10 Reasons Why [256] Is UNReal

OMG, Why am I writing this? *Lols. It’s like trying to burn the place where you take shelter. Oh come on, why would I do that? Actually I was about to write the topic without the “UN” (Check the topic) and suddenly my crazy mind told me that, ok, let’s have some fun and ridicule yourself. Erks?? This topic is easier to write because I can ask anyone among my chatfriends and they have something to say about me being unreal. It’s like, [256]? Who’s that? Is she even a human or just a bunch oh 3-digit number? Hahahaha.

What makes this an issue is because some people might doubt that “I EXIST” because my online identity is considered “very strong” even after more than 2 years. After all the years, they still think I am mysterious and anonymous. They barely know anything about me that are proven to be true or real. So here are the freaking reasons why people think [256] is Unreal.

1. They never saw [256]’s full length picture

6 people from among the people I know from cyberworld have seen my full picture(s). Ouch! And they never complain later when they saw only parts of my pictures that I use on my blog and Fb because the pieces of pictures are consistent with the full pics they have. They all get those pics direct from me :)

2. They never know [256]’s full name

Most of you should know my real name cos some even call me with it in chatrooms and Fb. That’s my name in the IC! Why, you want to know my full name? I don’t even know yours! Hahahahahahaha

3. They don’t know exactly what [256]’s job is

Everyday in Facebook and many times in Fb, I gave a lot of hints already. You even saw the work of my hands. Those people who are analytic and observance should at least get the idea of the field I’m in. hehehe. Ouch…what’s your job again? See? I also don’t know!!! Hahahahaa.

4. They don’t know exactly where [256]’s location is

Not true. I keep telling people in public where I am. They all know which district I’m at and that’s where I was born. Why, you say you don’t know my home address hence saying I’m not real? Guess what, for security reason I also don’t want to ask your exact home address because there’s no need to do so until we have the need to go to each others house and so you don’t have to feel scared getting visitors in odd hours. Hahahahaha.

5. They don’t even know [256]’s Age

Hahahahaahaha. Of course I won’t tell directly because I have told TOO MUCH about myself already. I am giving you something to find out when you finally meet me in person. They said I am TOO SMART to be below 25…and speaking of “online intellectuality”, when I was 20, a 40 year old guy regular chatter told me “I like you because you are smart” so if you think I got comments on the “smart thing” when I reach a certain ripe age, you are wrong. You could be 40 and still not impress a 20 year old enough to say something about your intellectuality, so I’m messing a bit with your wild guess. Hahahaha. Uh-Oh… My age is not a secret to some of them. One of them has even verified my IC number from a third party that keeps my reports from JPN. Aha…you heard me right. Hehe.

6. No One Has Ever Admitted Meeting [256] In Flesh

Maybe true! But until I tell you, I bet most of you don’t know that some of these guys actually have my full pictures and even spoke to me on the phone, right!! I was the one who made the effort of telling it in public because most of these guys like to keep things to themselves and even if they share, they share it with those who also don’t spread around. Yes, more than one of them have met me in person. The question is, WHO are they? Hahahahaha. That’s not my problem. To me, My Realness is now verified. Hahahaa. Erks...:P

7. No Real Friends and Family In [256]’s Fb/Blog

Yes, painfully yes. Most of my family members don’t have Fb and those who have are following my other Fb for the company. The other account is only for work purpose but most of my customers and relatives are in the list. I don’t do any personal sharing in that account. My only personal Fb that is very close to my heart is the one most of you already add, TwoFive Six. Those daily sharing from me, do I even look like someone who has that much time doing all that for a fake Fb account? If you are one, tell me how you do it cos I DON’T HAVE THAT MUCH TIME!! Hahahaha. I am a stick-to-one kind of person…it applies in many things in my life. Bear with it, guys. *Lols. As for my blog, yes it’s also not known to my family and real friends – this is part of the price I have to pay to build a strong online identity and in the name of blogging freedom. I am a person with an odd taste maybe. Or assume anything you like. But those almost 800 posts, those come from real fingers and real times – I can try anything to stay anonymous but the reward for loyal readers, I am very readable from my blog. You sure have ideas about my good and bad points, my work, my family and even my personality from my blog alone. Tell me if you do all that just for a fake self. So my answer is…even if my friends and family are not in my Fb and blog, those accounts are real anyway!!! *Lols…I feel so cunning right now…hehehe

8. Is it even true that [256] is a Female?

 

10 of them have spoken to me through the phone, and 2 of them have spoken to me ONCE and the rest spoke to me more than 5 times each. I keep saying in my blog that I am a train-talker, I talk so fast, non-stop…They are my proves! I don’t have cousins who have the same ability to do the “stand in” or double body even on the phone conversation. Most of them told me, YOU DO SOUND THE SAME LIKE [256] IN MIRC/FB!” I mean, from how I talk, I am as hyper as I write. If you can mistaken me for a guy after talking with me, I think one of your ears might get stolen, FIND IT!! Hahahahaa. Kidding.

9. [256] Doesn’t Have Alibis Of Existence

This one sounds a bit like No. 6. But I’m sure you won’t regret. (*LOLS!!)

Did anyone know who your ex-boyf of many years ago? I bet they didn’t. But how come they knew mine? My “realness” was first leaked when a chatter said the real name of my ex-bf on the phone!!! My existence is in some people’s record because they have met my ex-boyf personally that’s why they remember him and they even knew I have broken up with him. OMG, you don’t go telling me I am in control of faking more than 1 person’s identity when they are all verified to be humans by the other friends who also attended gathering where these people attended. And they were my alibis. As a matter of fact, some of my secrets are already on some people’s mouth that even a newer chatter heard about it and you are here complaining about my existence!!! Hahahahaahaaha

10. No One Knows [256]’s Real Marital Status

Oh yeah, I like this. Hahahaha. It’s easy to guess. I make it very simple, no riddles at all. Married People are easily detected, but this is not a fair game for us because you say I don’t have alibis about my marital status, UNLIKE most of you. Wondering, Why [256] uses more than 1 handphone? Is she hiding it from her spouse or what? Hahahaha. What time most of you called me? IT’S LATE NIGHT till morning. I don’t take calls during the day cos I say it’s strictly work. Wait, the married people ban nighttime for phonecall because it’s family time (or afraid to get chopped by their spouse…*Lols), what kind of spouse do I have to be giving me such opposite rule? Hahahahaha. Anyway, most of you who knows about my status, actually seldom ask if I am hitched. I wonder about it too!! *Lols. And even if some of you did ask, you don’t know which one I’m going out with…only have a few names in mind…could be None of the above. Don’t Gofigure. Hahahaha.

The price I have to pay is “your doubt” of my existence, but this is to me, is like the test of keeping a hidden treasure intact. After this long being anonymous, I sure deserve a Nobel Prize for that. Hahahaha. Now that I take some time to answer your doubt, I’m not proving anything. You can continue thinking that I am nothing but a bunch of 3 numbers or a cute chubby-cheeked avatar with fancy clothes in my Facebook. So if you don’t know what to do with your doubt, maybe just let it go away…Hahahahaha. Have fun all…muahss…

Why I Never Get Through 256’S Number?

This is the answer. The sim card should be put inside the phone in order for it to function… but look, this is where the sim card is!! *Lols.

Some of you guys have my Maxis number. Yes I have told some of you that you guys could get in touch with me any time of the day because I planned to put all my numbers on. Yes I have 1 line for each network. I don’t use a dual sim phone yet so I have to turn on 3 handphones at once. I could not keep up with charging all the phones so I started to only use 2 phones when 1 phone died and I never got to find the charger. 

So because I always misplace my things, I found this ring box and put my Maxis sim in it so that I won’t have to look all over the desk and racks for this sim card when I need it. So just in case you guys have been wondering why it was so hard to get through my line ( especially to those who have only my Maxis number), yeah…wait until I buy a dual sim phone and I’ll keep my word! I know that some of you got so irritated with this and asked for my Celcom number (which used to be my primary number) but I have good news to you that I will abandon my reigning Celcom number very soon so No Sweat if you don’t have my Celcom and have my Maxis. This Maxis is going to be mine at least for the next 2 years so don’t worry, you guys actually have the number that could become my primary number soon. 

For now, unless you guys buy me a new dual sim phone sooner, you will have to bear with this. As long as it’s still there at the ring box, I doubt any of your call or sms can get through. IF they still get through, OMG it SURE is an act of GHOST. *Lols. 

Note: To those who have been on the phone with me through my Maxis, I miss talking with ya guys but do stop trying to ring or sms this number for now yeah, unless you don’t mind the credit. *giggles. Muahss all.

"Me, The Gossip Girl"

Do you guys know that I lurvee gossips? Gossips are defined by Google as "casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true". So gossips means speculations. Could be true and could be not. If they are not true, no one should snap cos Hey, we are talking about gossips here! Even raw hearsay and plain rumours can be big gossips too. I'm sorry to the celebrities whose lives are subject to gossips because being public figures do come with a price. People want to know about you. People like to speculate and tell something sensational. The bad news is that a lot of people's lives depend on gossip - yeah because it's gossips that make their magazines and newspapers sell like hot cakes. So you know GOSSIP is not a small industry. It's as big as can be. I don't know why I like gossips. Like I tell you before. The kind of website or blog that I first visit when I have the time is Entertainment Gossips. I like to read gossips about the famous people's private lives and how they are behind the scene. Although I might not know about the latest movies or songs, but I do read gossips about them. Maybe I take one funny way to learn something. It's just me that like to analyze people. I do it everyday. And I just can't stop. I want to do it on the celebrities too. *Lols. Maybe because gossips are very interesting. The thoughts they lead to then how anxious and curious you become to know and guess what the truths are. Yeah, that's if you will ever get lucky to get hold of the TRUTH. Hahaha. I make this little announcement here because from now on I will share with you "This Side Of Me" that any gossip that I feel interesting, whether they are new or not, I will put in my blog. I am not sure if you guys gonna like it, but please remind me that this is my blog so pretend to like it even if you don't. Hahahaha. Thanks for visiting. Muahss.

"Kadazan Celup"

This is the traditional costume for Kadazan from Papar district. Ehem!! Hehe

Familiar with the term Kadazan Celup? Hehehe. Celup is a Malay word for dipped. They often use the term Celup to describe a person who appear to belong to a race but not really belong to the race. Like, they just admit or show it in a way that they belong to a certain race but the fact is, they don’t. They just want to be known as one who belong to the race.

Usually, Language is the main indicator of one’s race. When you hear someone talks in Kadazan language, automatically you guess that the person belong to Kadazan race. How about the Kadazans who don’t know how to speak the language?

I can say that I am one of the Kadazans who doesn’t speak Kadazan language. The reason for that is because my parents never really make it compulsory for us to learn the language. We are the City kids who don’t mingle with our cousins and relatives who speak the language everyday. My parents very much speaking the language to each other but they speak Malay to us. As a result, all of us in the siblings are very odd with our own mother tongue but we do understand the common phrases. Even how hard I try to speak, I could only end up getting laughed at because I could not even make the words sound right. Like I don’t belong to this race to be sounding like “an outsider who is trying to be friendly”… hehe.

Because of my language, strangers can’t always guess my race. According to one customer, I sounded anything but a Kadazan because I don’t have that distinct Kadazan “sound”. But I do have that slanted eyes that most Kadazans have. But we know that people don’t rely so much on looks to guess one’s race, especially in Sabah where people are mostly from mixed races. I also received very odd comments from my customers. After talking for a while, this customer told me, “You must be married to a white guy, right?” And I was like, “What? What makes you say that?”. She said something about my English. No no no… I am a Kadazan who doesn’t speak Kadazan but proud to become one. What do you call this category?

So everytime when I shocked people by telling them my race, I was not surprised because my mother tongue skill is very bad so I just jokingly told them, “Biasalah…Kadazan Celup”. I live with that because I’ve been this way forever. But I know it’s not good when we speak about the mission to preserve culture and traits of my race. We need more people who can speak the mother tongue and hopefully to pass it to the younger generations. I am not proud of myself for this. I have seen it long ago that I could be one of the Kadazan people who could not help to preserve the uniqueness of my race, especially if I marry a guy from a different race. I don’t speak the language, I don’t eat the traditional foods, I don’t follow their customs and traditional lifestyle – so now you understand why I just surrender to “Kadazan Celup” and admits my weaknesses.

But after all said and done, I do still wear the traditional conservative thinking about keeping the good names of the family, where quite a number of distinct Kadazans (who live at the village and who speak the mother tongue fluently) have stopped doing. I do care about becoming a talkabout of a village because of my misconducts so maybe that explains why I am very careful in my steps. Despite being a Kadazan Celup, I am not at all urban with lifestyle and thinking.

Celup or not, I am proud to be born as a Kadazan.

NOTE:I put one Kadazan/dusun number at the playlist upon the posting of this post. Hehe

A Heart Journal

Have you ever felt being ALONE but never feeling lonely? Like you enjoy the aloneness so much? You CHOOSE to be alone and because you can experience its beauty. Maybe you’re just tired of all the feelings that you can get when you have companies around. All the different ki nds of conflicts they could cause your mind. Alone but not lonely – is something that I realize I enjoy so much. I was just too tired to get into deep with someone so much that eventually leads to devotion of time and energy. I think I’m still tired of all that. I’ve told you guys all the time since I have this blog. I have been tired focusing my energy on certain people and feel the pressured every inch of distracting moves that these people do. I hate how to be emotionally involved could put me into a fragile situation. I just hate it.

I can’t count for how long I’ve been this way. I have turned into a human robot that sometimes – just Emotionless. I have missed the uniqueness of being a human being because my senses weren’t working so well. I can feel people’s warmness, but I could always put a gap so that I could never let them be part of my life. Maybe this is how I’m protecting the peace that I’m still not done enjoying. I thought no one could see anything strange with this. But recently a friend had a serious talk with me about this. She made me realize that I just let myself lost in this solitary. She told that I’ve been overdoing this. How could that be so? I said to myself.

Despite that, I am always lucky because my life is never lonely from nice people. There’s always a way that people can reach to me and tell me that I might think I don’t need them, but they need me. The last pieces oh humanness I have, makes me open a way of connection just to reassure myself that maybe I’m still after all, anything but a robot. I have feelings and I do feel real emotions. I realize that I’ve done many things that make people obey this distance and as painful as it is, maybe I do it all out of selfishness. Maybe I just want to protect myself. Maybe I’m just giving them a pinch of reality that I have a lot of issues with almost anything emotional with my life. Maybe I just don’t want people go there. Yet.

After all said and done, I am feeling a bit strange right now. Suddenly I feel that my shell is getting thinner. Suddenly I feel like crying. Maybe this is how it feels to get my senses back. I always know that I’m not going to enjoy this. I hate being fragile. Suddenly I miss the company that I always get even when I least appreciate it. A heart so dear that I always hurt. A heart that I always put in guilt and accept every bad thing that I offer and overloaded warm expressions that I receive without saying thanks. “We won’t know the value of something until it’s gone.” – Maybe that line is giving me a bite of reality. If yes, maybe I should be grateful cos in my case, it’s not totally gone but just a minor absence. But the absence makes me feel so lonely. Why after a long time, now I remember how it feels to miss someone. Suddenly I don’t even need to be alone to feel this loneliness. Suddenly I want to say sorry for everything that I say and do that might hurt. Suddenly I want to tell that with that kind of company, I can do away without the solitary.

Maybe it’s true when a good friend told me before. Maybe the problem is not with me. It takes one caring undemanding soul to knock all these senses into me. I don’t know if I actually bumped into that soul to finally be feeling this way. In a way, it gives me the creep. In a way, I just want to put my hands together and say a prayer to God cos I think that in a way, this is a heavenly thing I should be thankful for.

Lord, give me wisdom to understand this and may I find the way to handle this as You guide me through.

What does your day of birth say about you?

I took this test on Facebook and this is the result.

TwoFiveSix[256] was born on a Tuesday.

Charming and graceful. Love to indulge in creative stuff. Joyful attitude towards life. Unpredictable at times. Peace lover. A good motivator. Sympathetic. Trustworthy. Very generous.

NOTE: Not bad. At least there are elements which are very true about me. Maybe you guys should do it too just to see if it's enough to know your characters from your birthday alone.

"Please Remind Me"

When my days are down, the world seems to crush down on me. I see darkness. I see sadness. I see hopelessness.

Yes, times like that do come occasionally. I’m just a normal human being. Sometimes I do feel very lacking and so insufficient. Sometimes I do feel like I’m the most unfortunate person I know. Sometimes I feel like I’m just another laughingstock to the world. Sometimes I feel like whatever I’m working for is just a-total-loss of time.

During those hard moments, suddenly I feel loneliness despite being inside a big crowd. Sometimes I feel like the most awkward person in the universe. Sometimes I feel like my life is loveless. Sometimes I feel like nobody cares what’s going to happen to me. I don’t even believe that anybody would ever spend a second missing me.

But only those times that all the thoughts come to me. Where were the thoughts come from?

Cos other than those times, I feel that I have the life that I want. I feel that I am surrounded by great people who appreciate me. I feel that I have used all my talents and abilities to make a living. I feel that I have a worthy life that I should have paid for all the regrets and mistakes I had in the past. So just in case the days are down again and all the negativity starts to take over my being, I hope that I have people who can remind me that those thoughts are not real. I am just temporarily blinded by the evil element of my brain. It’s just so funny when something is still the same, but the way we see them differs in a split second. This tells us even more that when we see things as they are, then only they become so. If we know we have a choice of making our life more meaningful, maybe we don’t waste our time and energy grieving over things that are actually blessings in disguise.

This is why I write this to remind myself once again that despite feeling that my life is empty and meaningless during my bad days, I want to declare that at this moment, in my totally sane mind without the influence of hormonal imbalance and evil whispers – I want to remind myself that...

I Love The Life I Am In and all the shortcomings in my life now are caused by my weaknesses and once I manage to overcome them, maybe I can consider myself living my most wondrous dream :)

Please remind me that … Thanks :)

It's Not Always Like What You Think

The Scenario: I was stuffing my pets inside a bag (that isn’t just any bag, it’s my mom’s bag. I only carry specially-treated things inside that bag) and so I captured the moment of stuffing them inside it, trying to get them in so that their other “friends” could fit it too. Some people who stopped and saw me doing it might think that I was technically abusing those pets by the way I forced them to get inside. But little did they (people) know that I did it because I wanted to bring these pets home so that they won’t just left abandoned at the side of my desk at work. So you know I did it because I CARE and I know that they will get the attention they deserve when they are at my room. I’m sorry that it has to look a bit rough from the way I pushed them in. But it’s only after considering that they are not alive and what makes them alive is the memories of how they end up being in my possession. Oh yeah…how spontaneous is that crazy mind of [256]’s. *Lols

Moral of the story: When we need to do something that we think is the best option, the people involved in it might not get it. They might think we are selfish and heartless, ironically, we do it all thinking about nothing else but them. Get in touch with your senses in the right place. If misunderstanding makes it look like hate instead of love, don’t jump into conclusions cos you might not get the real story until you really understand the whole thing.

I Tried Not To Cry

I bet she's the person my dad loves above everyone else in his life. I remember when I was small, I was the daddy's girl. I followed my dad wherever he goes. Even when I was so young, she was always my dad's priority. I remember my dad took me to kampung frequent enough. It was always me whose hand my dad held as she saw us walking towards the house. The little girl who knew nothing much about life, and yet she could innocently follow her dad without complaining. Maybe that's the reason why I was ONCE her favourite grandchild. I remember, during my time of being "the favourite grandchild", I mingled a lot with my first cousins who live not far from her. Yes, she's my beloved Moing; my dad's mom. It was from the season of being her favourite grandchild that I almost drown in the river because of one of my cousins. I have loadsa memories with those 2 cousins in my season of being my Moing's favourite grandchild. The elder sister was my goodfriend, and the other one was my enemy (and I decided so even before she almost made me drown) and don't forget, I had my revenge by pushing her off the ladders. Yeah, those were the old days when we were too young to even spell our name properly.

Today, I found myself sitting at the church. In the same row were again, the 2 cousins who were very close to me during my childhood. Years ago, I could not imagine in what situation that I could just sit beside them that close again after many years of minding our own business. Finally, the good sister was sitting exactly beside me, and the "bad" sister was just one person away from me. We were finally sitting together again. And where was my Moing? She was inside the casket, lifeless. Why could it be so bitter to be sitting together once again with my close cousins during the funeral of our beloved Moing?

2 days ago, I received a call from my mom. I could not guess what time it was. It was still quite dark. My mom said, "She's left." Then I went, "Ohh…When?" Then my mom answered, "About 4 AM". Then I looked at the clock at the top of my monitor, it was Almost 4 o'clock. Then I went, "Oh, you mean, just NOW?" Then I was shocked that my mom told me it was already 6.30 AM. Then I went, "What?" Nevermind about the clock. The battery could be dead. But…I paused and left my mind blank – Did I just lose my Moing?

I could not describe any emotion. The fact that her demise was not that shocking because she had put her children in "alert" mode for many years she had been sick. The day before that, my dad received a text message from my aunt about my Moing's critical condition. We are talking about my dad here, people. Do you remember when I tell you that my Moing is the person he loves above everyone else? Yes, we all should love our mother above everyone else, but not all could do that. But my dad could. He never failed to show his love for her even through my little girl's eyes.

I'm now a grown-up. My dad is even more a matured man. Everyone else is in the right maturity to see that Death is something that each of us must go through. Looking at my Moing during her final years, she was already very old. She didn't suffer from any chronic disease. She only had problems with her bones and fractures because she worked so hard for her kids since she was young. I tell you that my Moing was one very hardworking lady. It was very rare to see her sitting there doing nothing. She wasn't like some ladies who gossip and groom all they want. I just realized that I never have memories about my Moing being the typical lady. Unlike my other grandma (my Mom's mom; who left us last year) who had many fun and cute things to remember especially her laughter when she saw us dancing Poco-poco. But none of that fun memories involving my Moing. She must have worked all her life for her kids. Life was tough for them and no one knows better than my dad for being the first kid. So I will not sulk if my dad loves my Moing more than he loves me. I still remember when my Moing came to visit our house, I was looking for my little pillow pet and I found out my dad gave it to my Moing to use because he said the pillow was soft. I pouted and sulked because I was the kid and I should be given the advantage to have my OWN pillow. Who would have guessed that "the pillow moment" ensures me even more that my dad loves his mom so much. I remember that my dad silently took the pillow away and replaced it with another pillow without telling my Moing, afraid that she would think differently. My dad could not help but took the pillow because I was pulling a long face.

3 years ago, I was asked to bake my Moing's 80th birthday cake, and I did. I was mumbling at first because I thought that everyone wanted to save money from buying a big cake so they asked me to do it. Everyone thought it was too petty to spend big money on. Whatever it was, I was grateful that they gave me the chance to do something. Because without the cake, I might have done NOTHING for my Moing after leaving "the favourite grandchild season" for so many years. I forgot to tell you guys that when I left home to pursue my studies, I have become an estranged grandchild whose face she never saw for many years. I knew that my Moing must have reserved the spot "favourite grandchild" for me for many years but I never showed up. I understand if she has to replace it with any of the grandchildren who are around all the time. I knew my Moing was upset with "that little girl" who always pulled long face for the smallest reason. She was upset that she thought I have forgotten her. I could not give excuses for my deeds, but I was never proud of it. Although I knew that my dad loves her so much, he would do anything he could to take care of her. I thought that I was just a little hand that could do nothing much. Last year, I remember visiting her at the hospital bed. My auntie asked her, "Do you still remember her? *Pointing at me" And my Moing nodded. My auntie said, "Oh, dia masih ingat kau."

Earlier today was her funeral. I had not cried since the day I learnt about her demise. I went to see her lifeless body lying on the mattress, I almost couldn't recognize her. She looked so old. I tell myself that "It's timely for her to go. DON'T CRY." So I did not cry. Though I was worried that I break down in tears and embarrassed myself, I was even more worried with my dad. "Dad, YOU MUST BE STRONG for me. You're a big guy already so PLEASE DON'T CRY in front of me." I saw my dad was half-drunk. I know that it was the only way that he could pretend to be stronger. I needed his strength…cos I'm afraid I don't have it. Counting the hours to the day of funeral, I was collecting strength to NOT CRY during the final respect. No, I won't break down in tears again like I did during my other grandma's funeral last year.

Her death really portrays the process of a human lifespan who is not interfered by diseases of accidents. She was given healthy organs all her life. She survived her days until the last. She never gave up. I remember when her children were given false alarm when they thought she won't make it but it wasn't until a few more years before she finally laid to rest. I learnt something that we all wish for a long life. It's something that my Moing was blessed. But "long" doesn't mean forever. When you're old enough, your organs start to deteriorate naturally and there will come a time when they won't support you enough to breathe another breath. That's what happened to my Moing. She showed it to us that you can be healthy and all, but Death is still the end of your human life. She left us, leaving a wisdom behind. We shouldn't go AGAINST this flow of life. God has decided that there will be the end for every beginning and we must learn to take this in a positive way. She's in better hands, I know. Why should I grieve when my Moing is NOW whole again beside God. Why should I grieve that she has done her time on earth and it's time to meet the Creator. Why should I grieve that she is happier now that she has completed her cycle? I imagine that her soul was standing there smiling, with the holiest look, looking at us. She's happier, I know.

These thoughts gave me strength. As I walked going around her casket, I did not cry. Was I that strong? But I heard crying from my aunties and I even heard crying voice of my dad. I did not dare to look. I just bowed my head down and held back my emotion as much as I could. Yes, although they are wiser than me to know that Death is just the next thing for my Moing, but it doesn't mean that we can just go through with the funeral ceremony without crying. So I finally let myself cry some tears but I challenged myself that if I am really wiser than before, I must know how to get hold of my own emotions. Some tears and that's all.

Moing…I still remember what you said during the celebration of my good achievement in studies when I was 13. You said that "Mudah-mudahan kau macam naik tu tangga yang kau mula dari bawa dan pelan2 kau naik sampai kau di atas." That time I was surprised that she said that. I was already at the peak of my success, I thought. I could not go down. But SHE WAS RIGHT. I fell right at the bottom and before I know, I'm doing it…trying to climb the ladder again. I told myself, "Moing, why did you say something about climbing the ladder? It could be why I fell this hard and knock myself down. It was damn painful to start all over again." But though I have not reached there yet, but I cannot imagine how grateful I am to find myself climbing the ladder. And if I reach somewhere one day, Promise me Moing that you will be happy.

May Her Soul Rest In Peace.

Note: I don't know why I think that my clock that stopped at 3.59 is more than a coincidence.

Can You Tell If It's Dust Or Bra?

Suara hati kamu berkata: Bra? Bra apa lagi si [256] cakap ni. Indakan bra yang "itu"?
 

Jawapan sia kepada suara hati kamu adalah...: Jadi bra apa lagii??? Itu la ba tuuu!! 

Hahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (Erks!!)

Tadi masa baru sampai rumah, sia pegi dapur and then cook something. Bila sia mau buat something sia buka ka tu bekas sampah di dapur. Terus nokotigog my heart. "Macam kenal!!"That dark pink thing...I could not go wrong. But I SHOULD and MUST go wrong because macamana itu benda boleh ada di tempat sampah??? Then I tengok closely, MEMANG DIA!!!!

Luckily tempat sampah tu diletak dengan plastik baru yg kering dan isinya kebanyakkan DUST iaitu habuk2 yang maybe kena sweep dari lantai bilik. Then I picked up the bra and luckily dia tidak terkena kotoran yg basah, just habuk2 saja...Then I said..."Sepa yang buang ni?"

My sister ja yang ada di sana untuk menjawab and memang ngamlah sebab MEMANG PUN KERJA DIA!!! Aiyooooo. First thing yang sia terpikir, sepa yang sakit ati betul dengan bra sia ni sampai dia pi buang? I know for sure my Mom TIDAK akan berani sentuh my barang2, apa lagi mau buang. Tapi ada this one pokemon yang DATANG SEMANGAT JUANG dia mau membanteras sampah dan habuk abis-abisan ni kali. Pantang apa barang yg dekat dengan tu penadah sampah, dia sweep terus masuk and dengan tenaga yang begitu banyak diguna untuk turun tangga dan jalan ke dapur dan buang!!!! Sampai gitu sekali semangat juang dia ni hari.

(HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA) 

"Sia pikir kau mau buang sudah tu. Sebab dekat dengan penadah sampah jadi sia sapu terus la pi buang." Dakat tekeluar hempedu sia dengar my sis cakap mcm tu ba. (/me berabis ketawa sampai runtuh tu dinding) Cos inikah orang yang sama teriak2 mengeluh, marah2 bila terpaksa angkat barang sia naik bilik, iaitu barang yang ada guna. Kalau sudah barang yang ada guna pun dia sakit jiwa mau angkat sebab barang tu BUKAN barang dia, imagine la pula SAMPAH orang lain. Kalau sia tinguk ada beberapa plastik sampah lagi yang belum sia buang dan sia letak di bilik bro sia yang kosong sementara ni. Itu plastik memang ketauan adalah plastik sampah sebab kertas2 nda guna yang diisi di dalam. Dan berapa lama sudah tu plastik di sana? Berbulan-bulan sudah teda sepa peduli. Kalau mau harap my sis yg kasi turun, memang dia akan jadi pokemon versi burung pipit yang membebel sebab terpaksa buang sampah orang. 

Jadi sia ada reason why sia rasa SANGAT terkejut when sia boleh nampak my bra yang langsung teda cacat celahnya tiba2 kana masuk di sampah. Alasan dia sebab dia nampak tu bra dekat dengan penadah sampah, but sangatla terang2 itu penadah sampah (yang diguna untuk sapu habuk di bilik ja so dia kering dan tidak kotor) terletak dekat dengan bakul besar tempat sia simpan sia punya baju2 kotor. Dan sia letak baju2 kotor tu pun secara tidak teratur sebab sia biasa test sia punya kebolehan sharp-shooting bola keranjang dengan umban baju2 sia tu dari bilik. Heheheheehehehe. Jadi kalaupun jaringan sia tu tidak mengena, TIDAK MUNGKIN anybody akan tersilap atau tidak boleh pikir yang asal ja namanya baju, TIDAK MUNGKIN baju itu untuk dibuang apa lagi kalau betul2 sebelah dia adalah satu bakul berisi baju2 belum cuci. I mean, MUSTAHIL la kau buli TERSILAP sama ada itu baju adalah "sebahagian daripada habuk2" yang mau disapu. MUSTAHILLL!!! 

Jadi apa lagi sia pun membebel la...Sampah yang betul2 sampah ditinguk ja dari jauh biarlah sampai berbulan2.Tiba2 tu bra yang hanya dekat dengan tu penadah sampah pun dia bukan main lagi gembira pigi buang. *Lols. Punyalah sia geram. Suka2 hati ja pigi buang. Sia memang geram sebab itu bra adalah di antara my new collection yg belum pun sampai 1 bulan sejak sia beli. Geleng kepala ja tu pokemon mengingatkan yang buli pula wujud kekeliruan sama ada benda tu adalah suku sakat habuk juga yang HARUS DIHAPUSKAN!!!! 

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHA :PPPPP 

Sia mau test taruh pula barang2 lain yang "ternyata bukan habuk' dan kalau sia berani, sia taruh barang yg berharga sikit. Mau tinguk sama ada simptom ni baru di peringkat anak2 or what. (*Lols) Kalau pun barang2 tu tiba2 teda sudah dekat dengan penadah sampah, alaa...paling2 pun pigi ja tinguk sana bekas sampah di dapur, kan. Hahahaahahahahahhaha 

Sia mau kasi pindah tu sampah betul2 kasi keliling tu penadah sampah, dengan ucapan...kalau yang bra tu ari kau buang, ndakan la yang betul2 sampah ni kau nda buang pula?? 

hahahaahahahahaahahahahahhahaa. Kena sebiji ba kan my sis today. Nasib laa dia dapat sister yang ada mutan pokemon dis. *Lols

Hahahahaahahahahahhaahahhaha...have fun all!

A Parasite Forever?

Ahaa…ini satu scenario yg banyak berlaku di keliling kita. Silap2, u guys pun pernah jadi mangsa or pernah menjadikan orang lain mangsa. Orang lain yg susah payah buat kerja, orang lain pula yang mendapat pujian atas kerja tu. Sounds familiar?

Memang satu perangai manusia yang sukakan pujian dan penghargaan. You can’t blame anyone for that. But sudah tau begitu, pandai2 la cari jalan tengah. Susah juga kalau menceburi bidang yang u sendiri tidak begitu mahir. Maksudnya, u cuma gunakan peluang yang ada dan gunakan akal u untuk maju dalam bidang tu sedangkan orang lain yang bertungkus lumus buat kerja untuk u. You ada duit, orang lain ada kemahiran – dan bila bergabung, jadilah hubungan simbiosis? Dalam ertikata lain, win-win situation. Or is it actually Parasitism?

I know a few people who do that. Dorang run a business yang dorang kurang mahir dan berharap sepenuhnya dengan staff dorang. Contohnya business pembuatan batik. Ada sorang senior ni yang run the business. Dia hire beberapa pekerja. Sia pernah bercakap dengan one of the staff yang jadi “tulang belakang” kepada kenalan sia ni. Daripada gaji RM350, dilonjakkan kepada RM1,000 gara-gara dia berhasrat mau berhenti kerja. Dia cakap, semua kerja dia yang buat. Bengkel dorang tu macam rupa2 bangsal ja. Langsung tidak glemer dan tidak selesa. Tapi di sana lah batik2 tu dilukis. Boss dia jarang2 pijak bengkel tu. Boss dia pijak tempat2 yang orang nampak, contohnya pentas runway di majlis yang dihadiri artis2 terkenal tempatan, dan diperkenalkan sebagai one of the Designers of Batik. Sepa tau, semua ke-glamour-an itu sebenarnya berpunca dari sebuah bengkel buruk dengan pekerja2 yang tension yang merasa diri tiada kehidupan sebab tidak mix dengan orang dan asyik terperap di bengkel siapkan kerja. Apa lagi bila si boss sediakan rumah yang dekat dengan bengkel tu supaya dorang mudah. Lagilah dorang tidak mix dengan orang luar. Hidup dorang cuma di antara rumah dan bengkel itu ja. Bila staff tu bercakap dengan sia, I felt something deep inside her. Dia rasa tertekan dengan kerja dia. Tapi sepa sangka, dia ni la sebenarnya Nafas kepada business boss dia. Bukan senang mau cari orang yang boleh lukis free hand batik dan tidak pula mengomplen bila tiada caruman EPF. She said to me, “She knows nothing about Batik,” which she refers to her boss. I imagine that the girl won’t stay there forever. She will eventually look for a greener pasture. By then, what is going to happen with the business? I bet the boss would not rather think about it. “Nanti2 sajalah pikir.” Sia tidak mau salahkan the boss why dia tidak pandai buat batik tu sendiri, but itu tidak bermakna yang dia tidak setuju bahawa dia akan dilanda kesusahan bila staff dia tu berhenti. Bukan untuk blame sesiapa, tapi terpikir juga…memang susah kalau bergantung pada orang lain. For example, do you guys opt for machine pernafasan kalau kamu mampu bernafas sendiri? Isn’t it good to be able to breathe sendiri? Aha…something like that.

The other day, my sister asked for my help. Her superior asked for her favour for his coming presentation. The thing is, the last time, my sister asked for my help to do the same type of work for her. So after her workmates and superiors saw the work, they liked it. So when there’s a job like that, they just hand it to my sister. So my sister has to ask for my favour again. It’s not exactly a favour. She put a certain price so I would want to do the job. But this time, the timing was bad. I was busy with my new place. My sister gave me 2 days to do it and she assumed that I agreed. Only after less than a day, she called me. “I need the work in 1 hour”. Then I was like, “Whatt???” She said his superior had an urgent call for the presentation. So my sister came to my office and indirectly “forced” me to do the work. That was crazy. You know the likes of [256] gonna snap on something like that. This isn’t Symbiosis. I didn’t have anything to gain from the job and I didn’t want the money, and I didn’t have the freaking time!!! And to be a compassionate sister, the work wasn’t even for her! It was for her superior, who is a more experienced man who should KNOW something how to do the job on his own. Anyway, I did the job anyway and asked my sister to do the double-check since that she was rushing and I had a lot of job to do too. At least, she must spare me My Time after I had sacrificed my time. But my sister was like stuck there and said she couldn’t do it because she was slow on that and she didn’t have much time left. My goodness!!! “Kerja kamu ni macam kerja budak2 saja. Just hope itu budak sekolah rendah tidak tau taip macam ni.” *Lols. Because of their lack of creativity, their work looked like mess. And I had to sit there fixing their work…My goodness!!! You guys are so-called reliable people and don’t even know how to do this?? I was kinda mad because I knew my sister wanted some compliment from her superior for presenting the work, and the superior wanted to get compliments from other people for having a “well-touched-up” work. Everyone seemed to have something to gain but who’s doing the work again? Yess, ME!!! I was so pressured because of this chain of compliment-chasers and nobody would know it’s [256] who did all the job. No thanks for the recognition but PLEASEE, can you guys not be too much of a Parasite? TRY to be good in the skill you want to be recognized for. Equip yourself with the necessary knowledge. You guys can’t just turn someone’s life upside down just because you are too lazy and too dependent on others. If they want my help, they must Follow my time, agree? Do I have to cancel my schedule just because you don’t know how to do your own work properly and I have to sit there and fix all the little mistakes? This is crazeeeyyy!! You can multiply the payment 10 times, I still don’t want jobs like that again. I have the pressure of my existing job and now I have to share the burden of other people’s work too? This is wrong!!! My goodness! At least, you excel in the job you are assigned to do, right? Until when that I could stand in and do the work behind the scene when others get the compliments for it? Don’t you guys want to earn the compliment on your own? I tell you that you gonna land yourself in trouble if you prefer to resort to Parasitism – I’m talking about human beings who have no constraint to do anything they want. It’s only either you want or you don’t want. Or maybe you’re just plain lazy. So do you prefer to be a Parasite forever?

Challenge yourself. Never ever be that dependent as you were last year. I am still doing it too. I rather sweat extra sweats just because I don’t want to drag people in my own mess. Do you have forever to start and be responsible with your own life? It’s time, guys. Start now!!!

Note: You guys jangan heran…my sister used to having me membebel inda tentu and she has to tahan telinga cos the job that I could do for her is more important than my laser-talk. Hahahahaahahahaahahahahahaahahahhaaahahaha :PPPPPPPP

Where Are You, 256???

Hehehehehe…Hi guys…I want to say thanks for still dropping by although I have skipped a few days from blogging. This week is a busy week for me because I have changed my workplace so I need a lot of adjustment to make. Most importantly, a makeover so that I can keep my high-spirit to go back to work again.

With these little changes in schedule and stuff, I almost run out of things to write about. I have started a few topics and I always got disturbed or lost direction in the middle of typing, so that explains why I have been silent in this blog for days. I even have had this crazy thought yesterday that IF this thing going on longer, isn’t it possible that I might just LOSE my drive to blog?

I’m so pressured because Time Management is still an issue for me. And if I don’t schedule my time wisely, my leisure time (which I would happily spend on blogging) would chip into my work time. I don’t mind to break the rules but this could make me feel bad in the end. I should have found a better formula so I have a time for everything and still have my work in tip top condition. Wow…after years and I’m still talking about formula? Where have I really been all this time? Ouch! That hurts! Hehehehe :P

I know you guys are supporting me (in silence...hehehe) I’m so thankful that this life gives me a way to connect with you and I do appreciate you guys SO MUCH! Be around for me…I might lose myself in this hassle.

No, I can handle this. Hehehe.

Stay with me, ok? *Winks

Muahssss

Are You A Big-Hearted Donor?

Do you know how to measure the price of one’s sweat?

I’m not used to “giving price” to one’s sweat, that’s why I always ask, “How much do you ask for if I ask for your favour?” The main reason I ask is so I know how much the person is expecting so that I know how much I’m going to pay. It’s like a fair trade. But there are times when the people you ask for favour from are not bold enough to name the price. They tend to say, “It’s Up To You.” Or “Ikut kau saja”

Doii!! Punyalah sia nda suka bila orang cakap macam tu. I actually prefer it to be professional. I ask for your favour, I should pay a certain price that you think equivalent for the task that you do for me. So lately I needed a lot of work to be done. I needed a lot of people to do tasks for me. It’s even harder when your family members offer to do the job – and usually if you pay them, they will feel embarrassed to accept the money. Of course usually we prefer our family or relatives do the job for us thinking that we could save money because they won’t ask you as much as the what other people would. But if this is what you’re after, you might be wrong cos sometimes you could end up paying more, thinking that you have to be compassionate with your family members. “Jangan terlampau berkira sama sodara sendiri” orang cakap. Hehehe. Well, what do you say?

Tomorrow I’m going to ask for some “helping hands” to move my stuff to my new workplace. So I asked my mom just now, how much should I pay these guys?

My mom said, RM 50 sounds like a good amount. I asked, “Tidak terlampau banyak ka tu?” Cos all they need to do it lift the furniture downstairs, that’s all! Then my mom said, “Kira macam kau tulung2 juga ba dorang tu. Lain kali besar hati dorang mau tulung kalau ada apa2.” Then I was thinking – I thought that RM50 was too big for the task. But the same guys helped me before, I actually gave them RM 100 for helping me to move my stuff into another room and to disconnect the electrical appliances. “Sepa suruh kau kasi banyak sebelum ni,” said my mom. Then I went pening sekejap. For tomorrow, the job is much easier. I thought that it is a large amount for them, and it won’t be so much task for them because lifting the heavy furniture is just nothing to them. But I spare them compassions knowing that it would be a big amount for them and it would mean so much to them because money doesn't come easy. Like my mom always say, “Macam sedekah juga ba tu.” But then, look at me, am I in the position to be a big-hearted donor? Now that I will need to use a lot of money to arrange things since I move to a new workplace, is this the time to be generous? Hahaahahaha.

I agree with my mom that it would mean a lot for the people if I can be a little generous to them. I know that it’s gonna make them happy. I know that God will be happy too. But what I have in my mind is I should be in a very good financial situation before it’s proper for me to “donate”. Erks. But the question is, is it just an excuse? Will there be a time when we have Enough to share a little portion of what we have with others? Or are the people who use this excuse are just plain stingy? Like so kedekut like Haji Bakhil? *Lols

I remember having my brunch at a nearby restaurant. It has been many mornings that I eat there. Biasanya akan ada ni apek tua yang datang dari meja ke meja untuk minta derma. Macam sudah jadi satu jadual untuk dia yang dia akan datang restoren tu setiap jam sebab biasanya dalam tempoh tu memang orang yg duduk di meja tu sudah bertukar. Awal2 tu, memang sia tidak akan bagi. Sebab masa sia mula selalu datang makan di sana, sia sentiasa pikir my problems so memang sia rasa yang sia sendiri pun lebih banyak problem daripada tu apek. *Lols. So maybe kebanyakan orang di sana pun pikir mcm sia cos jarang yg mau bagi. That apek memang sedikit disabled dan dia memang sudah tua. So adakah orang2 di sana memang ada cukup2 duit untuk bayar makanan saja, or dorang rasa tu apek malas berusaha or dorang takut tu apek akan sentiasa minta dengan dorang bila dorang bagi sekali? Ahaa… macam2 sebab.

But until one morning. Hati sia hepi sikit. Sia tengok keliling. Sia cari itu apek. “Mana tu apek ah?” Hahaahahahaha. Then betul2 panjang umur dia. Nda lama tu, dia datang lagi dan mula lah pegi dari satu meja ke satu meja. Yang funnynya, oleh kerana mood sia bagus tu hari, sia memang mau derma sama ni apek. So lucu juga sia rasa cos biarpun dia sedang menuju ke arah meja sia, dari jauh lagi sia ready untuk bagi dia. Itu apek pun takajut tu kali sebab “uii…bersemangat jua ni urg mau kasi derma,” dalam hati tu apek. Hahaahahahahahahahaha.

Pernah juga dulu. Masa sia keluar lepak dengan kawan2 sia. Ada ni org pekak/bisu yang datang and jual that red bean yg ada tulisan, dorang minta RM5 untuk setiap tu. It’s like menderma and get a gift. Tapi ganjil pula kan sebab dorang yg tentukan jumlah derma tu. Heheehe. So masa tu sia terus kasi keluar duit and bagi. Dalam hati sia, “Dapat berkat juga ba tu.” But then, my friends mcm sembunyi expressi terkejut dorang. Maybe dorang pikir yg, ndakkanlah si [256] nda pandai pikir yg dorg tu semua lengkap anggota badan, cuma bisu dan pekak saja. Tapi kejanya cuma minta derma. Tangan dorang buli buat byk keja yang layak untuk dorang digaji. Then…the question is…

Adakah kejadian “memberi derma” tu adalah berpandukan kepada keikhlasan tangan yang memberi atau “kelayakan” orang yg menerima derma tu?

Bagi sia, biarpun sia tau org tu sangat susah dan layak menerima derma, tapi kalau sia sendiri pun rasa diri sia sendiri pun tidak berkemampuan untuk bagi apa2, still I don’t give. Tapi kalau rasa diri berkemampuan, biarpun orang tu bukannya susah sangat, tetap ringan juga tangan memberi. Pokoknya, memang bagus dapat share something dengan orang dan buat dorang senyum. Kalau rezeki kita murah, inilah masanya bila kita tidak payah berkira berapa yang kita mampu bagi dengan orang sebab kita nda tau bahawa apa yang kita bagi tu mungkin dapat menyelamatkan satu nyawa atau menyebabkan kebahagiaan dan kegembiraan. Mungkin kita tidak tau pun yang ada orang bersyukur dalam doa dorang “for sending me an angel” dan angel itu adalah kamu. Pikir punya pikir, like my mom said…itu harta bukan bawa pigi dunia sebelah. Kalau mampu, share2 la dengan mereka yang kurang bernasib baik :) Sepa tau, esok lusa, masa kamu pula :)

Note: Mudah-mudahan Tuhan kasi banyak rezeki boleh share2 dengan orang yg baik hati...and hopefully dorang get inspired by it and dorang pun akan share2 juga dengan orang lain bila dorang senang nanti :)

Twofivesix[256] Going Green?

Hahahahaahaha…My oh my, what’s with the topic?

People always know that I’m not easy to get close to. But I think I have changed mode recently.

Recently I think I’m going Green a.k.a Mesra Alam (*Lols) cos I got a step closer to my online friends – maximizing my off-days with chatting with them on IRC and on the phone.(What?? Mesra Alam that has nothing to do with plants? *Lols) Although I don’t pick many names – but I’m sure I picked the most worthy ones. They are all nice guys. Hehehehe.

What makes me laugh so much is their maneuver to dig my details. I mean, after hours talking, maybe I look like I’m kinda generous with my neverending train-talk, but still maybe I think they hope I can be more generous than that. Hehehehehe.

I think last nite was a record-breaking in the history of phonecall-length that I ever received in many years. Hahaahahahahaahaha. I want to thank Wine for the long chat and I know that he tried so hard to stay awake and kept pace with my train-talk that he had to sip for tea and I even heard his mom questioning him about who he talked on the phone with. I’m smitten by the fact that Wine won’t end the conversation and I’m sure he waited hour by hour for me to finally say, Okaylah…I think we should end here, but it never happened. Hahahahaahahahahahahahahaha.

I have warned you guys that I am a Hyper talker and it must take really a big heart to stand talking and pretending to enjoy the conversation. *Lols.

Without IRC, I won’t know you guys. So knowing people like you from IRC is among the pleasant things that won’t make me regret all the times that I have spent online. It’s totally worth it.

You guys are all charming in your own way. Definitely worth it for me to go Mesra Alam once in a while. Who knows this can contribute to the betterment of the ozone layer for our mother nature. Hahahaahahahahahahahahahaha. So Twofivesix[256] going Mesra Alam again? I don’t think it’s healthy to do it always. Enough doses of Twofivesix[256] for now, right guys?

*giggles.

Thanks :)

Si Brutal Yang Manja

I have this funny little thing to share with you guys today.

I always think that I am sometimes hot-tempered, and I do speak bad language when I’m mad. Yes, I do swear. And yes, I like to get into arguments especially when I think I’m right. I would raise my voice just to emphasize that Hey, I have a point and you’ll see I’m right all along. Yup, I am this type. Some people even refer me, si 256 yang tidak mau kalah. *Lols

I have seen girls who are soft and so polite, like you won’t hear their high pitch voice in a million years. Definitely I’m not one of them. I’m the type who wear pants daily, and no one can force me to wear baju kurung again since after college years. That tells you I'm not so much into "ayu2" appearance. So I think my points femininity is running thin the more I tell you guys about what I’m like. Hahaahahahaahaha. The only thing that looks so friendly in me is my Smile. I realize about it too. People got fooled by my smile thinking that Oh she’s soo friendly. Yeah, maybe sometimes I am. But I think I’m quite harsh when it comes to the words that come out from my mouth. I always expected to gain that reputation of being somekind of a sharp tongued person, but matched with some okay manners that save me from the title Miss Monster. *Lols. [256] and her neverending bla bla bla. My oh my, she talks a LOT! Hahaahahahaha

I remember when I was in secondary school, I received some comments from the new friends. “Soft betul o suara kau ni,” then I was like, “Ya ka?” Then I thought, Oh, she must have caught me in the low mood when my voice was translated into a rare chord. *Lols. But as I grew up, my language got even harsher. Maybe I was once a softie too, but not for long. I tend to be more vocal and opinionated. (Nothing new to my blog readers. Hahaahahaha)

So I always think that I am The Vocal one among my friends. So I remember during the college holidays, when we spent our time at home, I received a phonecall from a closefriend of mine. She was also my course mate and my housemates in the hostel. She was among the friends who know so much about me.

Her: Kau ada call ka tadi?

Me: Tadi? Teda. Why?

Her: Bro sia cakap ada kawan sia cari sia tadi.

Me: Ohh…nah, bukan sia la tu. Teda dia kasitau nama?

Her: Teda pula, but my bro cakap, “suara dia manja maaanjaaa.” Jadi tu la sia tanya kau tu.

Me: *terdiam kejap. Isshh bukan laa. Kalau sia jadi kau, sia terus pikir tu orang si F. Cos setau sia, suara si F yang manja2. (Kenyataan cuba mempertahankan reputasi brutal *Lols)

Lepas ja dia call tu, sia terus rasa lain ni ba… Sia nda tau pula biarpun sia ni banyak cakap and sometimes tu memang berbisa juga, rupa-rupanya kawan2 sia anggap sia ni tidak lebih daripada si suara Manja yang suka membebel. Hahahaahahahahaahahahahahahaha. So I’m not brutal enough ka pula all this time? Doiiii…sampai hati dorang kan…Bah ya laa…ku terima seadanya.

/me pingsan tawa

So now you guys paham why I always refer my voice as “my doremon voice” and whatever funny expression that I made turn me into a pokemon cos I have to accept the fact that because of my small voice, I can’t as brutal as I thought I could be. Hahahaahahahahaha. Have fun all :)

Will You Miss Me After Three Christmas & Two Valentine’s?

Do you have any idea how many lives you touch as you go by with your days?

How many faces smiled because of the sound of your laughter?

How many hearts were delighted just to have your company around?

I bet you have no idea. I bet you wouldn’t care so much, or even if you do care, You wouldn’t know how much difference you make just by being there in a certain crowd of people.

“[256], this place will never be the same again without you.”

Something in their eyes that shouted at me,

“[256], Don’t Leave”

It made me realized that my presence did mean something to these people. I never really took my effort to connect with them, nor did I ever try to be accepted – cos that’s not part of my agenda. It’s logic however, that nothing is perfect. I might have hurt some heart along the way. I might piss some people off along the way. And I might make them gossiping or swearing at me behind my back. But…when I finally decided to leave this place…it all doesn’t matter anymore. Cos today I learn that...

After 3 Christmas and 2 Valentine’s, when I thought that I had enough, now they realized that it doesn’t matter if there are bad memories all the time I was here, cos what they know for sure is…It’s kinda painful to see me go.

Yes, I’m going to leave this place.

My phone kept ringing for days, “256, Where Are You Moving To?” “256, you’re not here anymore. Where Are You Now ?” “256, don’t forget to let me know when you’re are settled with the new place” or the most I can hear is… “256, WHY do you have to leave?”

I was startled at the fact that until something is coming to the end, then only all the worthwhile things are coming to the surface.

3 Christmas and 2 Valentine’s – they are behind me but because of them, I gain these people’s affections and friendships. This move will only make us closer. Trust me :)

Yes, after 3 Christmas and 2 Valentine’s … finally I’m leaving :)

Does Your Name Define You?

Hi peeps. Sorry for the delay. I’ve been very busy fixing something with my workplace. Still ongoing, but I need to steal some time to write this. Ok, let’s go.

Today is the first of February, we are only 2 weeks away from Chinese New Year. 2 days ago, in the middle of my busy work, I received a text message from Mark, asking me – “Have I told you the meaning of your nick in Chinese?” Then I said, “Oh, you haven’t. Let me know what it is.” Then he sms me this.

2 = Senang 5 = Tidak 6 = Datang

Then he added, "but that’s a Chinese belief, not ours, right? Just be positive". *Lols

Hehehehehehehe. Well, I am thankful that a friend is willing to find out the meaning of my nick in Chinese despite not being Chinese. But it’s just a translation, right? Oh well, that’s so thoughtful. Do I buy meanings and predictions? I’m just too tired to answer. Because all these things become like a joke to me now.

THE MEANING behind your name doesn’t DEFINE you.

Your parents can name you the holiest name, but it’s just a name that people use to call you and doesn’t make create your characters. Maybe it could help psychologically, but not more. You go ask anyone who live a bad lifestyle and maybe you’ll be surprised to learn that his real name means “Sacredness”. Oh well, now, can that name change anything? Heheheheehe

So this is what I told Mark. If anything like that does work – Trust me, I should already be a millionaire by now. I have heard a lot of “nice meanings” behind whatever that people have the meaning for. It’s almost the same with prediction, but at least prediction is something that people do “with effort”. Meaning is something less serious than that. It’s like they simply refer to a dictionary and “punish” you if you have a name that doesn’t mean good. Hahaha…No No, it doesn’t work that way.

This is what I told Mark to end the little conversation. If that’s the Chinese meaning for me nick, I take it as a challenge to prove otherwise. It’s your own hands that make things happen. Trust me if my life is miserable, it’s almost a little to nothing that it has anything to do with my nick/name. It’s must be because I am incompetent, lazy, greedy and others.

If only it’s as simple as putting a name with a good meaning can make you LIVE that meaning. IF ONLY people, IF ONLY. Unfortunately, it’s NOT so. :)

Part II: Online Identity: WHY?

Continuation from Part I

And then, not long after that, someone else smashed me in public channel – the least that I expect this figure was also tired of seeing my secrecy? And said, At least you let me know your job ba. Why do you have to pretend? (That it not to mention that he said I shouldn't be too cunning and playful) – Suddenly something knocked me, I almost burst out laughing – I’m Under WHAT LAW that I must tell you my job? And Why people are sometimes TOO UPSET when certain people are not generous about their personal details? I mean, ASK YOURSELF “WHY” are you upset in the first place. If you are one of my relatives or the person that I walk the aisle with, you HAVE the right to be upset why you still don’t know my job or my last 4-digit IC number. But we are talking about the Freaking CYBER so called –virtual world here, people. Think again if it’s even right to react how you have reacted towards these anonymous figures.

And I should mention this earlier that, on Dec 2008, I received another phonecall coming from a person I know from virtual world, who was the first one who got access to me. Maybe he got too excited to show off to other chatters that he got what other chatters don't, so he said this “[256], We are going to go out.” I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “I’m going to Expose you, and also me for the chatters to see.” Then I said, “Why do you have to include me? I’m not part of you guys.” He said, “Yes [256], you’re one of us!” Then I said, “I’m not giving my permission. What, do you think this is a political association or something? We are just an IRC community here. Which law from which planet are you using? Enuff! If you want to expose yourself, go ahead. Don’t decide for other people.” I hate it when someone is using my friendship to show others that he's the hero. And then blackmail me something like "You make one wrong move, I'm going to expose you." Sheittt laaa! (Hahahahaha :PPP. Okay, I said that while I'm using pokemon mask. *Lols)

Suddenly this cyberworld is making another stress-demon for me. WHY? A recent chat that I had with a chatter who first knows me from my blog – said to me. “I’m not hiding [256]. It’s you who are hiding.” I don’t know why I feel that it’s not quite right. I said to him, Geez, why people think I’m hiding? Look, I had enough of this. Do you guys realize something?

It’s because of your freaking expectation that makes it look like I’m hiding. Do you see that??? Only when you expect TOO MUCH from me that you think I’m hiding. Only when you expect to KNOW EVERYTHING about me that you think I’m being secretive. It’s your right to feel “Oh, I wish she could open up more about herself” but you have no right to smash me that you want to know This Much and I only offer you That Much. I mean, you and your rights – me and my rights. Or is it only you who have rights?

Why people make it look like I’m doing something wrong because I’m using my freaking online identity? As far as I know, some people enjoy chatting with me, some people enjoy my blog, EVEN IF they only know me by my nick. Cos now you realize that in this virtual world, WHAT I can offer and share with you guys in the boundary of virtual world (that if, If I go offline, I’m back to reality) is ALL and THE BEST that this virtual world can give to us. We are here to have fun and rest from our reality stress. You don’t have to CARE or GET HURT why that stupid [256] is not sharing people her house address? Damn, care about your spouse or your in laws or your brother or your mistress or ANYONE you want – but don’t bother and spend sleepless nite BLAMING and CURSING me – damn that girl…At least she tell me her last name!!! I think she should go to hell for using such an irritating online identity!! Ouch, you guys didn't just curse at me, did you? (*Lols)

Come on…I’m trying to correct something. This isn’t just about me. I’m taking myself as an example only cos I think I have received the side impact of using online identity. As a matter of fact, I’m sorry to say that I am NOT that anonymous actually. Stop this hype as if I am a mystery to be discovered. Some people know my name and they have confirmed that whoever behind this nick [256] does exist. Don’t you guys feel guilty making me feel like I’m a cyber criminal? I am a real human too, ya know. I don’t have time to recreate another long list of DETAILS to mislead the people I know from cyberworld. You’ll be surprised that when you finally know me, you’ll realize that I hide very little about myself. Especially after I release this blog. I tell my real experience and the experiences of the people I know.

So if you come to me and complain, Why that chatter is telling others that her gender is a male? Look…If the person makes you believe that she’s a male and THAT’S IT, please stick to your day job, take care for your family or what to cook for dinner – don’t spend a freaking time worrying WHY? WHY? WHY? did she lie about her gender. *Lols. Unless you’re a girl and you fall in love with “her” after believing that she’s a male, cos she sounds so masculine and caring during the chat sessions, promises you the world – and makes you write down your dream on a paper that “I’m going to marry this guy and 1 year from now, we are going to have kids” …Aha, that’s when you should feel alarmed. Because the person is using her online identity to HURT and FOOL someone and stop someone’s life clock from ticking normally…Oh yeah, that one is different. I hope we have Cybercops to arrest her – Please don’t lie about your gender next time – maybe put behind virtual bars? or got hanged using virtual gallow?. Ahaa…ridiculous right? Maybe you people just have to be extra careful before you FALL for lies coming from this freedom that the unlimited virtual world offers us. Cos sorry to say – this is the risk that you face when you decide to be here.

On the contrary, if an online identity brings you NOTHING but smiles and laughters, why EXPECT more? If that online identity doesn’t disturb your life, why do you still feel disturbed? You get what I mean? And if you tell me, Can you expect anything from virtual world to switch to your reality? YES YOU CAN!! I mean, don’t forget that a cartoon character like Pikachu can’t be doing all the typing for this blog right? It has to be a real human, right? So behind an online identity, there is still a human being. So yes, anything reality can start from the virtual world. I believe that A LOT of people here have honesty to offer. They also won’t stop a virtual connection or chemistry from going to reality, but they don’t expect too much or they don’t force things to happen. Just let it happen on its own. One thing leads to another and if this is DESTINED, yes, we will thank this virtual world for letting us meet. But if you ask me, are Online Identity users are playing tricks, bluffs and lies? NO. This isn’t about which virtues they use, this is about HOW safe and comfortable they want to appear in this unpredictable world of internet.

Just RESPECT how they do it, people.

Especially when they don’t disturb your life.

Isn't life short enough to have time to stop having more and more fun because of small matters like this? So you know the answer. Respect each other and this world is going to be a much better place for us. :)

Online Identity or not, the person behind that Nick has a heart too. Remember that :)