Hola. It's been a while. In fact only my second post in 2023. I will just let my fingers dance on the keyboard without anything clear in my head. Lets talk about my overview of 2023 so far.
Actually macam tahun2 sebelumnya, merenung kehidupan ni in a bigger picture is something that I do everytime I spend my quiet time alone. Fast forward to 2023, now that we are getting older, banyak benda yang boleh kita renung. Perubahan dari macam2 segi, alongside time yang terus bergerak detik demi detik. Berfikir pasal KEHIDUPAN and WHAT'S NEXT, itu memang nda lari dari fikiran. In fact makin jelas ke mana arahnya semua ni kan.
As a woman, entering new decade in my life, memang terfikir hari tua. I see that some people are doing it much earlier. They are really preparing for the old days even from 20 years earlier. It's always about - The Old Days. Me being a short term person, sia nda tinguk jauh. Sia lebih peduli pasal the nearest Next, instead of 20 years later, I'm a 1 month later kind of person. I'm sure there's no right or wrong sebab yang lalui hidup masing2 adalah diri masing2 juga.
Of of the biggest highlights in my life so far is still me discovering when I first had panic attacks in 26 Feb 2020 - not that I have not moved on but I'm still observing how my body reacts eversince that day. As far as 2023 is concerned, maybe boleh dikatakan semakin In Control, cos only last year I remembered I popped Xanax a few times but only very little amount, but that time I was getting used to a new workplace and environment, so it was freaking challenging. Now things are doing much better. But I have to mention the recent incident where a few times I got a slight attacks, in fact I occasionally have them from time to time, tapi semuanya manageable. Tapi everytime that happens, I'm still terrified. Biarpun this time I know what's happening but I'm still not so sure about what's next. Sampaikan I tell myself this, "IF I'M STILL ALIVE AFTER THIS, REMEMBER THAT THIS IS JUST HORMONAL DISTURBANCES, AND I HAVE SURVIVED IT AGAIN."
Dear ladies, I don't know about you but my PMS days are the most unstable times of my month. It's when I understand my hormones go haywire, and since the days my body intruded by the sickness, I wonder if it would ever go away. So far, it hasn't. But remember, this isn't about an OUTSIDER. This is my own hormones, my own body, my own biological system, which are the INSIDER. I recalled the recent occurance, in one morning, I couldn't describe the feeling. Like Numbness of the upper part of my neck. I had to touch my face to feel it's there, sthing like that. Sounds scary right? Maybe the hormonal disturbances got even worse with certain food. I remember eating durian, something I watch myself closely when I eat it. Cos I know durians can be toxic. It happened only a few longest seconds in my life. I had the urge to give in - like say it out loud, HELPPPP, I'M NOT FEELING GOOD RIGHT NOW. Kamu tau ka tu feeling masa tu? Sia fikir sia mau JALAN sudah. Sebab unbearable tu feeling biarpun kejap ja. GILAA, so gila. Just extra strength yg kana top up entah dari mana, I got the courage to take another step and teruskan langkah. I got into my office and I said to myself, I Will have to fight this for a while. If I faint if I fall, at least it's at a proper place. Guys, sandi bahh. Tapi to my surprise, entah camana, sia duduk di chair sia terus sia buli mula fikir benda lain. Kerja yang mau dibikin, and sia still manage to do it. Before I know, tu feeling yg menggila tadi tu actually not there anymore. WHAT WAS THAT, I thought. Sia geleng kepala ja bila fikir. Cos I must remember during the early times when I first had the sickness, it was much much worse than this. SERIOUSLY. Pun sudah sia lalui. Dan I'm still here in one piece, still functioning as a human yg seadanya. So what I'm trying to say is, this sickness is so tricky. Cos it's an INTERNAL thing.
Ok, so back to the topic. Banyak benda baru yang sia discover juga. Tapi terlanjur sudah sampai di usia ni, biarpun banyak benda kita bikin yg boleh dibikin lebih baik, cara yang boleh diubah ikut yg lebih mendatangkan manfaat, like I said, terlanjur kita bangun di usia begini and hidup dengan cara yg ada. Kita terima kekurangan kita tapi nda bermaksud inilah masa kita hentam diri kita dan semua kesilapan kita di masa lalu. Keputusan2 yang silap tu, Oh gosh, will I ever learn yang masa lalu tu cuma debu2 ja. Memang bodoh la kalau dihantui debu2. Biarpun cakap ja senang tapi biar kita JANGAN LUPA yg perjalanan kita ni adalah ke depan. GUYS, WAKE UP. Kita tau penghujung hidup kita, jadi setiap langkah kita menuju ke arah tu. Sisa2 hayat kita ni berbaloi ka isi dengan masa lalu? Biarpun in a way, memories tu HARTA bagi sia. Tu la sia suka ambil gambar dan menulis, sebab dari dulu sia tau apa meaning dia utk hari kemudian. Bagi sia memories tu mcm treasure yg sangat berharga, TAPI I should remind myself yg kesilapan dan kebodohan sia yang lalu, hanyalah debu. Macamana dorg try pun they can do nothing to my present time.
So I still agree satu benda - iaitu living the moments. Mengumpul happy points di setiap hari, setiap kesempatan dan setiap accomplishment. Kalau kita boleh becakap berapi2 pasal perkara gila yg kita bikin, nah ini kan pula bercakap pasal perkara bahagia. Sia masih tidak dpt ikut rentak org pasal the common standard yg society kita ada. Maybe sia nda dpt capai tu tapi MAYBE I JUST DON'T WANT TO. Garsh, people. Kenapa la kalau kita tidak sekaya dorg. Kenapa la kalau kita tidak berharta. Sia nda cakap yg it's okay to just hidup cukup makan tapi jangan la kita terlampau mengejar utk setaraf sama org lain ada impian yg nda sama mcm kita. Imagine la, sia dengan mindset sebegini pun masih boleh terbuai sama kepedulian pasal impression org terhadap life sia. At one point, I can overthink apa lah org cakap pasal sia, tapi kalau mau difikirkan, memang teda hujungnya, semua tu cuma andaian yg sia2 ja. Yang kau ada adalah diri kau seadanya. Baik kah, buruk kah, ada org yang nampak kehebatan kau, dan sebaliknya, atas apa pun alasan. Jadi sesaat pun kau overthink pasal org yg pandang rendah sama kau, tidak akan mengubah apa2. You are still the biggest power dlm life kau. I suggest go ahead and walk tall. Life kau adalah pilihan kau dan kau BERJAYA sejauh ini. Apa guna mau impress org yg kau terpaksa korbankan bahagia kau sendiri. GILA. I WILL NEVER DO THAT. So here I am seadanya. I'm sorry if you are those people who are meant NOT to like me. Ndapa. Kau go ahead dan teruskan kegemilangan hidup kau. Hayat kita ni terbatas. BIAR LAH. Kita teruskan hidup masing2 ja. BOLEH MACAM TU?
Ok, sia menulis totally ikut sukati jari2 sia ja ni. Langsung teda berlandaskan format apa2. Tapi u should know yg sia menulis ni utk diri sia jua di kemudian hari. Ini adalah jurnal hari ni yg akan merekod footprints kepala otak sia ni. Nda wajib utk ada tapi I WANT TO HAVE THEM. Ini salah satu cara sia hargai kehidupan sebab ingatan kita ni bukan permanent. I want to read them and smile as how far I have come.
So guys, kita teruskan perjuangan la kan? Almost mau habis setengah tahun sudah ni. Ekonomi yg lembab ni nda buli dinafikan tapi sudah lama kita survive dengan passion yg ada, so masih boleh bernafas. Kita masih sempat bikin magic. The word HOPE tu bah, sentiasa menyala. Hebat betul tu word. Bah Jom kita continue journey kita. Sia wish baik2 untuk semua ah.
Kalau kamu buli baca sampai sini, sabas buatmuhhh. Harap2 ada la terdetik secebis dua ilham dari mana2. And Thank You :) Till next post.
