"Please Remind Me"

When my days are down, the world seems to crush down on me. I see darkness. I see sadness. I see hopelessness.

Yes, times like that do come occasionally. I’m just a normal human being. Sometimes I do feel very lacking and so insufficient. Sometimes I do feel like I’m the most unfortunate person I know. Sometimes I feel like I’m just another laughingstock to the world. Sometimes I feel like whatever I’m working for is just a-total-loss of time.

During those hard moments, suddenly I feel loneliness despite being inside a big crowd. Sometimes I feel like the most awkward person in the universe. Sometimes I feel like my life is loveless. Sometimes I feel like nobody cares what’s going to happen to me. I don’t even believe that anybody would ever spend a second missing me.

But only those times that all the thoughts come to me. Where were the thoughts come from?

Cos other than those times, I feel that I have the life that I want. I feel that I am surrounded by great people who appreciate me. I feel that I have used all my talents and abilities to make a living. I feel that I have a worthy life that I should have paid for all the regrets and mistakes I had in the past. So just in case the days are down again and all the negativity starts to take over my being, I hope that I have people who can remind me that those thoughts are not real. I am just temporarily blinded by the evil element of my brain. It’s just so funny when something is still the same, but the way we see them differs in a split second. This tells us even more that when we see things as they are, then only they become so. If we know we have a choice of making our life more meaningful, maybe we don’t waste our time and energy grieving over things that are actually blessings in disguise.

This is why I write this to remind myself once again that despite feeling that my life is empty and meaningless during my bad days, I want to declare that at this moment, in my totally sane mind without the influence of hormonal imbalance and evil whispers – I want to remind myself that...

I Love The Life I Am In and all the shortcomings in my life now are caused by my weaknesses and once I manage to overcome them, maybe I can consider myself living my most wondrous dream :)

Please remind me that … Thanks :)

Penat Jadi Jahat

Hari tu sia bual2 dengan my friend(yang selalu bad-mouth pasal boss dia tu). Ada this guy tiba2 masuk and then pass kami this leaflet about a motorbike. Then memang gelagat that guy mencurigakan. Tiba2 dia tengok2 macam cari something, as if lah teda orang di sana. Gelagat dia buat kami terpaku dan tunggu what’s next. Luckily dia “sedar diri” and left. So I continued talking to my friend. Suddenly kami dengar orang cakap2 di luar. I saw muka2 familiar including the security guard. Then nda lama tu, tu guard masuk and told us, “Ada orang kecurian handphone” and he referred to the clerk just beside my office. And he was referring to the guy who gave the flyers. Omigawd! So the guy was a thief?

Speaking of kecurian di tempat kerja, especially handphone yang diletak di atas meja and then tiba2 ada orang datang and ask something, and next thing you know, Oh I lost my handphone!! In that particular building alone, memang kerap sangat kes macam tu. Jangankan cakap orang luar yang datang dan pergi, the suspect could be the ones who you thought were a friend. Then I raised a topic – We never know if the person’s intention is TO STEAL something. Maybe he just came and saw an opportunity to steal and he took it. It’s like, “If I don’t take it, someone would”. Something like that. So it sounds like I’m backing up these thieves…but NOPE. For your information, I had it worse. The whole handbag was taken in front of me, in my own office, by a so-called customer. But after I examined my situation that time, it could be ME at fault. I was being so careless like I could trust everyone. I just left my handbag opened on the floor where everyone could see and I was busy with the pc. Then it occurred to my mind, whether or not the guy came as a thief By Choice or By Chance? If your situation was anywhere giving a green light for A Normal Guy to turn into a thief just because of the chance that you put in front of him, maybe you should partly be blamed.

I remember asking my friend, “Let me ask you. If you jalan2 and jumpa duit, you ambil ka tidak?” She said, “Ui, kalau teda nama dan alamat,memang la ambil. Buduh la kalau nda ambil. But itu tidak sama dengan pencuri handphone tu.” I know, but the concept is the same. If you want to practice the righteous way, you would just walk away because it still doesn’t belong to you. Then I kasi cerita her pengalaman kawan2 sia yang pernah jumpa duit di jalanan. Ada yang jumpa RM10 and terus guna pegi makan and then sakit perut, sampaikan kepada kawan sia yang jumpa dekat RM500 and terus shopping barang2. Apa lagi bila kejadian tu semua berlaku masa masih sekolah. So memang mcm bulan jatuh ke riba ja bila “tertendang” duit di jalanan. Heheheehe. Pokoknya, biarlah RM1 ka, RM10 ka, asalkan duit, memang ringan ja tangan kita mau ambil. Jangankan barang2 yg mahal2 yg kita nda mampu mau beli. Apa lagi kalau masa sedang susah dan sesak. Memang ada saja desakan yang menjadikan kita si Pencuri or si Jahat yang mencari peluang. Pada pendapat sia, naluri manusia untuk memiliki sesuatu dengan mudah tu sesuatu yang quite predictable. Then bila kita mula bercakap pasal prinsip hidup dan nilai2 murni yang kita jadikan pegangan, barulah naluri itu dapat dihalang. Jadi sepa yang kuat moral dia, akan berjaya menepis cubaan2 untuk menjadi Si Jahat By Chance.

Then my friend mencelah dengan cakap, “Mama sia pernah ba jumpa RM10k di jalan. Dalam dompet lagi tu. Datin yg punya. Kau tau apa dia buat? Dia nda sentuh satu sen pun dan terus hantar pegi balai. Betul2 la mama sia tu oo. Buli tahan juga dia.” When I heard that, it was nothing new to me. I still remember the rare case of the taxi driver whose passenger left a suitcase stuff with RM30k cash. Yes, he actually sent the suitcase to the nearby police station and they found the owner who at the same time, made a police report on the lost suitcase (which was all his own mistake). Of course the guy was so pleased and overwhelmed by the good-heart of the taxi driver. I mean, in this world of greed and materialistic, we do actually have people like this still around? What I could remember from the newspaper report, I caught some interesting words coming from the taxi driver. Of course he was asked Why did he return the suitcase? Let me guess, you guys must think that he was just trying to make the headline and be known as ‘The Righteous One” and get instant popularity, or maybe he would preach about it was Sinful to take what belongs to others which sounds absurd (like people don’t know it and still spend years in jail for stealing. Hehehe). He actually said something quite simple. He said something like “Biasanya orang mesti akan ambil, tapi kali ni apa salahnya pulangkan saja barang yang dijumpa tu kepada pemiliknya.” You guys get it?

Like we heard TOO MUCH of bad things already. We already know all the bad rituals most people do. Oh, he found the money and took it and spent it. Like, Hey!! ENUFF!!! Like you wake up one morning and decide that you had enough of all that. When something bump into you, your crazy mind just pops out and -- Hey, why don’t we do it differently this time? Haahahahahahaahahahahahahaha. Isn’t it funny that Too Much Of Bad Things can eventually lead people to Good Things? I mean, you would never guess in a million years that Too Much Badness just makes you tired and then Oklah…now I decided to be good.

Oh well, How Cool Is That?

NOTE: Bahh…if adalah kelibat si pencuri2 or penyamun2 yang terbaca post sia ni…Are you sure you’re not tired yet ka? Hehehehe. Tired la baa… banyak pahala tu geng.*Lols. Mungkin masih ada harapan ba dunia ni kan guys? Hehehe. Bijakk…bijak…

"The Lost Sheep"

Everyone made a big mistake once in their lifetime. I believe in that. I once made that mistake too. It’s whether you took a decision that made you pay for the consequences or you’re just not lucky enough.

This new friend of mine worked with a new company for only 2 months but she could have written 2 books of curses for her new boss. Everytime she dropped by she would bring a new story about the boss, each time to add more to the bad reputation of the boss. She discovered every time a new “bad thing” that the boss has been committing. She said that all the workers hate the boss. He is taking advantage by taking workers who have problems with IC so that he could pay them low enough without risking that they would quit. He is technically sucking their blood, according to this friend. My friend who was not having any issues with IC or anything, got to ask for high salary because she could secure new businesses for the boss using her contacts from the old company. The boss initially agreed to pay commission to her sales. But when it was time to pay, he made a lot of excuses. From 10%, she was only given 4% because suddenly the boss changed the policy. My friend was dead furious at him. She also found out later that the customers also hate him. He sold second hand computers at high price and almost all the customers came back swearing at him because most of the pc failed to work or start even only after a few days. Some even asked for cash refund. She also found out that the boss was using someone else’s name on the trading license because he is not a Sabahan. The person whose name he used for the license made a report at the district council to bar the boss from renewing the old license. My friend said that it could be that the boss didn’t obey the verbal agreement between them about paying a sum of money to the person whose named used in the license. Not to mention how the boss’ old business was closed down because he couldn’t survive competitions. The new business he ventures in is also new to him and without my friend, he could barely secure a single customer. She said that when the boss was not in, they were all talking about how immoral he is. That was not even after they learnt that the boss registers a new company every time to run from income tax. My oh my!

Listening to her, it made me thinking, “This man is in BIG MESS!” I found my way to pity him. I mean, all the elements related to him are nothing but negative. The history has it that he quit his job as a government servant because “he couldn’t get the respect from his workmates”. I mean, this man’s life is full of problems. I, as a stranger, shouldn’t judge him. But it made me wondering. I thought that MAYBE the rest about him that my friend didn’t know about is all the good and angelic things. I don’t believe that anyone on this earth can be totally screwed up like that. I mean, it can’t be. Then during her last visit to my place, I asked my friend this question.

“U think adakah orang yang betul2 unfortunate sampaikan dia buat semuanya lurus dan baik saja, but still terima nasib mcm boss kau? Like kena benci oleh staff dan customers, business nda maju dan macam2 lagi. You think adakah orang macam tu?

Sia tanya dia soalan tu sebab MANA TAU yang maybe boss dia tu tidaklah sejahat mana. But dia just MALANG sampaikan semua benda yang dia buat pun tidak menjadi. Dia sudah baik2 pun still juga screwed up. Ada jugakah sampai mcm ni?

My friend said, “Mustahil. Kalau sudah sampai begitu, mesti pun orang itu tidak lurus, berniat jahat dan berhati busuk. Tidak mungkin kalau dia baik, dia akan kena macam tu.”

Maybe she’s right. But wait. Kalau kita tengok di sekeliling kita – ada mereka2 yang sentiasa menemui jalan buntu, like things always don’t work out for them. Memang semua benda nda menjadi. Sia terpikir, adakah dorang ni sudah try berhabis-habisan, dengan niat yang baik dan sudah pray to God, still dorang punya life macam tu? Wujud kah macam ni? Or memang semua orang yang dilanda nasib MALANG yang nda henti2 ni memang ada buat something yang tidak betul dalam hidup dorang yang menyebabkan dorang deserve untuk dapat nasib macam tu?

I have had 2 years of bad luck in my life years ago. I call it 2 years of bad luck cos things were all screwed up masa tu. Apa yang sia try, semua nda jadi. And the people around me were skeptical about myself. Like my situation was “the worst case scenario” that I could ever imagine happened to me. If I could name one time was to be called “My Downfall”, that 2 years must be called “My Worst Downfall”. So sia masih ingat macamana kekuatan mental yang paling penting. Semua orang yang berada di tempat sia masa tu mungkin could not survive the pressure. But when u asked me, Did I not try enough? Was I a bad person? I could answer you NO. But memang ada mistake yang sia buat yang menyebabkan I deserved it. I think that it’s true – kalau sia guna rules yang betul dari mula lagi, Life Can’ t be That Cruel to us. Unless we did something yang sambil lewa atau we took a decision out of selfishness – Yes, then only those decisions could echo back in the form of “bad luck”.

Sia tulis ni sebab it has been in my mind lately. Ada orang2 yang dekat dengan sia pun mungkin sedang melalui hal ni dalam hidup dorang sekarang, iaitu … semua element dalam hidup dorang seolah-olah menentang dorang. What I can say is that…Sia sudah lalui tu semua. I don’t know la kalau macam boss kawan sia tu. Maybe dia memang teruk or what. But untuk mereka2 yang rasa diri tu tidaklah sejahat mana but life is not in good flow for you now, mesti ada something yang u guys buat yang menyebabkan benda tu berlaku. The good news is…Ini semua bukan satu verdict untuk kita. It’s just a warning signal that WE NEED TO CHANGE back to our good ways and FIX the bad luck. Dalam kes boss kawan sia tu, sudah puas ikut jalan bengkang bengkok, then try pula ikut jalan lurus kali ni. Mesti lain sikit experience dia. Sepa tau mungkin baru dia sedar bahawa ikut jalan lurus ni jauh ni sebenarnya sangat tenang dan tidak banyak pening kepala. Come to think about it, I realize it even more now yang ini semua cuma satu proses pembelajaran. Don’t ask why some people have it easier than you. You never know maybe they sacrifice so much more than you have so far, to deserve that easy road. We make mistake and God gives us the way to fix it. I truly believe in that.

Each of us might experience being The Lost Sheep at least one time in our lives. Now that you know that you are not going to be lost forever, don’t you just want to find the way back home? :)

NOTE: You have no idea how many hearts will cry tears of joy just seeing you making your way back home. Don’t wait for the aid when you can start finding the way home now :)

Does Your Name Define You?

Hi peeps. Sorry for the delay. I’ve been very busy fixing something with my workplace. Still ongoing, but I need to steal some time to write this. Ok, let’s go.

Today is the first of February, we are only 2 weeks away from Chinese New Year. 2 days ago, in the middle of my busy work, I received a text message from Mark, asking me – “Have I told you the meaning of your nick in Chinese?” Then I said, “Oh, you haven’t. Let me know what it is.” Then he sms me this.

2 = Senang 5 = Tidak 6 = Datang

Then he added, "but that’s a Chinese belief, not ours, right? Just be positive". *Lols

Hehehehehehehe. Well, I am thankful that a friend is willing to find out the meaning of my nick in Chinese despite not being Chinese. But it’s just a translation, right? Oh well, that’s so thoughtful. Do I buy meanings and predictions? I’m just too tired to answer. Because all these things become like a joke to me now.

THE MEANING behind your name doesn’t DEFINE you.

Your parents can name you the holiest name, but it’s just a name that people use to call you and doesn’t make create your characters. Maybe it could help psychologically, but not more. You go ask anyone who live a bad lifestyle and maybe you’ll be surprised to learn that his real name means “Sacredness”. Oh well, now, can that name change anything? Heheheheehe

So this is what I told Mark. If anything like that does work – Trust me, I should already be a millionaire by now. I have heard a lot of “nice meanings” behind whatever that people have the meaning for. It’s almost the same with prediction, but at least prediction is something that people do “with effort”. Meaning is something less serious than that. It’s like they simply refer to a dictionary and “punish” you if you have a name that doesn’t mean good. Hahaha…No No, it doesn’t work that way.

This is what I told Mark to end the little conversation. If that’s the Chinese meaning for me nick, I take it as a challenge to prove otherwise. It’s your own hands that make things happen. Trust me if my life is miserable, it’s almost a little to nothing that it has anything to do with my nick/name. It’s must be because I am incompetent, lazy, greedy and others.

If only it’s as simple as putting a name with a good meaning can make you LIVE that meaning. IF ONLY people, IF ONLY. Unfortunately, it’s NOT so. :)

Do You Know Your Value?

I listened to a guyfriend arguing with someone on the phone. "He shouldn't say something bad about my work in front of my customers" The tune was rather harsh to come out from his mouth. I could feel the tension and anger. The next day I got to ask him, What's with the phonecall yesterday? Were you arguing with someone or what?

He told me that a friend complained about his work in front of his customers. The customers felt bad about it because they "had a second thought" whether or not this guyfriend really gave them the best service that they expected. But after hearing opinion from someone who is also in the same field (photography, that is), the customers told this guyfriend what the other person said. The guyfriend felt so upset that someone belittled him, looked down on him and his capability.

I told him a very useful knowledge that I learn from a motivational book.

"If you build your self-esteem on other people's approval, then it only take ONE bad comment and already you're down. But if you build your self esteem on yourself; that you believe in your strength regardless what people think about it, then people can say 100 bad things about you and you will still standing strong."

Ask yourself, do you need other people's good comment to think that you ARE really good in something?

You must understand, that Life is an Art – it's subjective. I can come to you and say that your hair sucks, but the other person says your hair is gorgeous. And have another 10 persons- you will be fed with different comments from different perspective. Some might say that your hair is too thick for your face, or long hair doesn't suit you – hell, people stop at nothing. You look at the mirror and ask yourself what do you think? Maybe it all that matters in the end. WHAT YOU FEEL about yourself.

The other day, a good guyfriend dropped by at my workplace. He used to be my bestfriend; the friend I discussed a lot of issues with. One thing about this guy, he's quite particular about things. The first encounter that we had years ago was that he thought I was someone to look up to. He admired many things about me. He officially admitted that he was really a fan of mine. I was flattered because he wasn't so generous with compliments. He likes to analyze people and criticize. That's him. So it's normal that when we occasionally meet, he always notices changes in me. He would complain if I gain weight, or when he saw pimples on my face, or if my hair is messy – he would say it straight. I hated it. I hated it when he comes and he always try to find something to complain about. The recent visit to my workplace was a bit different. He was happy to see me. And I was starting to talk like a train – trying to tell him many things about my plans. He smiled – I thought that he must miss my train-talk. The talk that can go on and on speaking of ideas and motivations that you don't always hear. He smiled. Despite knowing that he's a very judgmental person, I cared very little. I know that he might complain about my new haircolour that looked so striking, or maybe he complained about my shirt. But neither did I care about. Yes, maybe I gained some weight from the last time that we met, he complained about it. "[256], do you actually find pleasure in putting more weight, or what?" Hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahhaah. Dammit. He pointed at the pictures that I put on the wall. "Look at those pics. If you maintain those weight like in the pictures, I think it's much better." I just laughed at him. I don't know why his opinions don't matter anymore. I mean, I DON'T CARE!!

Maybe I always have it in me. When people say something bad about myself, it made me feel down, but…I have to say sorry to them because still it doesn't change what I feel about myself. I don't know what's wrong with me. Even if people's bad comments can make me cry or sad, but still I DON'T buy them. I know deep inside that I am "something else". If they say I'm bad, I always know that I'm not that bad. If they say I'm good, I also know that maybe I'm not that good. But I know in the areas where I'm good in, yes I am good. And I don't ask people about that. I come a long way to realize my strength. You can't come to me and say something bad to me and make everything collapse in a second. No, no. You can't do that.

So maybe this is what the motivational books means about Building your self-esteem on yourself instead of on other people's approval. I think I'm a little bit there, if not completely there. So what my guyfriend thought about me gaining a little weight (for example) – is so so little to bring me down. It's just WEIGHT, people. Do you know MY VALUE as a human being? It's not on weight. I can keep gain a little or lose a little, but MY VALUE as human being is not affected. I can still feel very valuable because I still have the capabilities that I appreciate having. All these physical things are just a pinch of salt of who you are. But if you're handicapped inside, you can wear the fanciest gown, wear the most expensive make-ups and still it doesn't change your real value as your human being. That's why I don't worry so much what people say about my physical or anything they can see. If they say something bad, I just know that I'm better than that. If they say something really good, Uh-oh…Maybe I'm not that good yet but thanks, maybe one day I can be that good. Value is not what's physical. Someone can like you because he think you have a cute face, you have a nice body and all – but if that's all that you have, it's like an EMPTY can. And all those physicals are not there to stay. We need to have something else to put our value on. Now, don't you feel silly that you always care so much to be called beautiful, sexy, hot and all the bla bla bla – those values are vulnerable. They are not even a value at all. They are just – Add-ons.

I can't tell you what your value is – that's your job to find out :)

"You Must Have A Bad Day"

You guys sedarkah about something about this life? Tidak kisah la you sudah buat sebaik mungkin, sudah buat planning and serba sistematik, disiplin yang sangat tinggi – boleh dikatakan u did your part dengan baik sekali – still…Tidak mungkin hari2 you hanya akan lucky, happy dan penuh dengan senyum dan gelak ketawa saja.

Biarpun you baik, peramah, suka tolong orang, suka bersedekah or jenis yang happy go lucky, TRUST ME, ada masanya yang YOU MUST HAVE A BAD DAY. Sia pernah do my little study on this. Masa sia happy with my life – sia experience every moment and tanya pada diri sia – How on earth, that life gonna punish me with a bad day after this?

The answer is this. Masa kita sedang happy2 dengan life kita, MESTI ada satu ruang dalam hidup kita yang muat2 untuk sekurang-kurangnya satu masalah. Dan masalah ini la yang akan menjadikan hidup kita ni bertukar mood. Daripada ketawa2 gembira, now start sudah dahi berkerut. Pening, sakit kepala dan tidak menentu. Sedar nda sedar – hati kita risau, resah dan sedih. "My life sucks" Aha…then kalau mau dikaji, Kenapa juga masalah ni buat hidup kita teruk? How? Teruk sangatkah masalah ni? Kenapa time kita happy, seolah-olah masalah tu tidak wujud? Kenapa mesti masalah tu datang dan mengubah kegembiraan dalam hati kita?

Then I made another and another study on this. I mean, my little study is analyzing life sia sendiri. Sia mau tau apa yang sebenarnya terjadi pada ups and downs hidup kita. Sia lalui that bad day hari ni. Fikiran bercelaru sebab ada tujuan yang belum terlaksana. Fikir pasal deadline yang sia kena settle semua benda. Imagine la sia cuma ada less than one week untuk settle something yang has to be good for the rest of the year. Memang sounds like something impossible. Mau pikir pasal budget lagi. Mau pikir pasal orang2 yang terlibat lagi. And at the same time, mau pikir pasal jaga air muka sendiri dan mau settle ni benda sendiri. Nah…apa tidak my head almost jam. Sampai SMS pun sia tidak terlayan. Lepas tu, datang lagi sorang kawan ni yang kerjanya asyik meminta something ja tidak habis2. Ada2 saja yang dimintanya, and though benda2 tu semua make money, she's asking everything for free. Lagilah sia tension orang ambil kesempatan atas kebaikan sia. Whoaaa…Today is officially a bad day!!! Jalan pun macam zombie ja ni. Mau cari satu idea yg buat hati senang - How to settle this problem???!!! Yes, itulah yang ada dalam kepala sia tadi bila sampai rumah. Dekat mau termenangis pun ada oo. Like so stuck in this problem. Haiyaa!!!

Well, itu yang sia rasa tadi. Imagine la diri kamu dalam situasi masalah kamu sendiri. Actually ini yg terjadi. Our mind ni juga punya kerja yang kasi pusing sana, pusing sini. Telampau pintar punya kepala otak. Lama2 pandai makan tuan. Hehehe. Sebab, it's all a mind game ja ba ni. Kalau teruk di fikiran kita, teruklah juga jadinya. Jadi apa yang akan tolong kita? Hear it from me. That's why kita mesti ada faith sama a greater power. Kita tau yang someone is taking care of us. Kita mesti percaya that our prayer is heard. Element2 luaran ni la yang actually give us extra strength to Think Outside The Box. Sebab time sia dera diri sia cari2 solution, belok sana belok sini, Akhirnya…sia boleh terpikir satu penyelesaian kepada masalah sia, tapi penyelesaian ni betul2 lari daripada yang pernah sia pikir sebelum tu. Wow…buli juga macam ni ah?

Rupanya INIlah dia penangan masalah kita tu. Kalau kita dikalahkan oleh masalah kita, bukan sebab Takdir, tapi kita yang tidak mau berjuang cari penyelesaian. Dalam kes sia tadi, ini melibatkan hal serius so sia paksa diri untuk squeeze that solution yang terbaik untuk diambil. Sebab selagi sia tidak jumpa something yang gives me that relief, memang sia akan terus terperangkap dalam kemurungan ini. I need to find the way out!!

So when I finally hit it – sia smiled and cakap pada diri sia – “Begini pula rasanya bila kita akhirnya dapat cari satu titik di mana kesusahan kita tidak akan menjatuhkah kita. Sebab Memang Betul, akan sentiasa ada cara untuk menyelesaikan masalah tu. Bodohlah kita kalau dikalahkan oleh masalah, sebab kerja masalah tu cuma untuk kasi asam garam dalam hidup, kasi sia pengalaman dan bagi lebih banyak exercise minda – to test us, How good you are now. Dia cuma kuis2 sikit pun, sudah kita melatah dan overreact. Imagine lah problems tu pandai cakap, mesti dia pun tekejut. Ouch, I didn’t mean to make you lose hope in your life. Imagine that? Tu masalah pun buli nangis o tengok kita jadi nda tentu arah gara2 dia cuma main gurau senda ja. So the point is… Guys, apa yang kita mau takut? Kita ada kehidupan. Kita ada kewarasan. Kita ada anggota badan yang cukup. Kita ada kekuatan. Kita ada kelebihan. Masalah ni apa la juga berbanding dengan apa yg kita ada. Jadi…masih mau give up? Answer that to yourself.

And bothered about a bad day? Kenapa mesti kita melatah pasal satu hari yang malang dan tidak menceriakan. Hari begini akan datang sekali sekala. Cuma sekali sekala. The rest of it, you can always choose to have A Good Day :) Apa buli buat sudah peraturan hidup tidak mau kita asyik tersenyum – sebab apa thrillnya hidup kalau asyik ketawa saja kan. Ada masa kita down, then guess what…pasal Bad Day yang datang sekali sekala ni la…kita lagi tau menghargai the next Good Day yang kita akan tempuhi. And hopefully that time, jangan lupa daratan. Hargai Good Day itu, cos somehow, someday, You Must Have A Bad Day again :)

The One Who Gives You Life Or make You Stay Alive?

This is nothing new.

Bukan semua orang bertuah macam kita yang dipelihara oleh mama bapa kandung kita sendiri. I have friends yang lived with grandma dorang, or saudara mara dorang, atas sebarang reason yg menyebabkan parents dorang can't take care of them. Tidak kisah lah ada reason apa, whether or not it is atas kerelaan parents dorang atau tidak. But when benda2 ni terjadi…akan ada beberapa isu serious yang akan timbul.

First is – Emotion of the kid. Second is – The kind of life yang dia akan dapat jika berada di bawah jagaan orang lain and Third is – The things that the kid misses when he doesn't get to grow up with his real parents. – At least, those things come to my head spontaneously. I know I never do deeper studies on this but let's hear what I have to say dengan cuba untuk menyelami apa yang dirasai oleh mereka2 yang melalui ini.

Teda sepa dapat jamin bahawa our parents can give us the best life that anyone could offer to us. Secara fakta – bukan semua orang berada dalam financial situation yang selesa to afford anything they wish to. Some people they have so much to offer, but they don't have anyone to offer it to. Sedangkan parents yang susah dan anak pula ramai, memang tidak dapat provide sebaiknya untuk anak2 dorang. Ada pula parents yang memang mempunyai tuntutan hidup yang berbeza sampaikan anak tu bukan priority dorang. You never know. Ada macam2 reason why the parents tidak boleh jaga anak dorang. Then, syukur lah kalau ada orang yang take the kid and bring him up. Jaga makan pakai dia dan ajar dia macamana mau jadi orang.

Kalau Tuhan panjangkan umur, sedar tidak sedar…anak tu pun membesar macam anak orang lain juga. Ada pendidikan, ada perwatakan tersendiri dan sebagainya. Dalam ertikata lain – orang mungkin tidak perasan pun yang anak tu sebenarnya dibesarkan oleh orang lain. So apa bezanya?

Tapi siapa sangka – perkara yang bertahun-tahun tidak diungkit langsung…suddenly timbul pula selepas bertahun-tahun. Isu – Who's the biological parents suddenly diungkit dan What If…selepas bertahun-tahun…the real parents come in the picture and mula mencari balik hak dorang. "He's our son. He should be with us." And lebih dramatik kalau ditambah dengan ayat macam gini, "We don't get to raise him. We hope that we can still spend the rest of our lives as a family. He belongs with us. Don't ruin this family bonding that we have. Don't separate us anymore."

What do you feel now?

Banyak drama yang sia tengok yang bring forward issue ni – Dan confirm ada adegan air mata yang menyayat hati. Apa lagi kalau si penjaga ni tidak dapat berpisah dengan anak yang dia jaga tu gara2 parents sebenar datang menuntut hak. Apa lagi kalau diselitkan dengan macamana payahnya si penjaga kasi besar tu anak dari dia kecil lagi. Dalam kes tertentu, hidup si penjaga tu bukannya senang pun. Tapi sebab keikhlasan dia mau besarkan anak tu, susah pun dia harung juga. Sampaikan orang cakap, ibu bapa dia sendiri pun Belum Tentu lagi akan buat pengorbanan macam tu. So bila kasih sayang dan ikatan sudah dibina – tiba2 pula ada orang mau ambil tu anak balik dengan alasan paling kukuh di dunia – "I'm the one who give birth to him" Ya…perkataan "give birth" tu memang sangat strong. Imagine la mom dia kandung dia 9 bulan dalam perut, and kasi lahir dia dekat2 tercabut nyawa sendiri. Can you deny her right on the child?

Silap2, tajuk yang sia buat tu automatik tidak relevan. No question asked. Memang clearly The one who gives birth yang layak ke atas anak tu. It doesn't matter what the child thinks. It doesn't matter how, what, when, where, with what and so on…Nothing beats the bonding between a mom and a child. That's the general idea. So, can this one always be true?

If benda ni berlaku bila dia child sudah dewasa, I think the child Knows Better. Biarpun darah yang mengalir dalam badan dia tu adalah milik orang yang lahirkan dia, tapi bukan orang itu yang besarkan dia. Apa lagi kalau sebab parents dia tidak besarkan atas reason yang Selfish – like… "We were not ready yet to have a child" or "We have to achieve something first before we can give you a good life". Mungkin si anak akan lebih arif dan tau menilai siapa yang lebih berjasa dalam hidup dia.

Teda sepa cakap melahirkan anak tu senang, tapi lagilah teda sepa akan berani cakap yang membesarkan seorang anak tu sampai dia betul2 jadi orang tu senang. Cos memang pun susah!! Ingat saja macamana susahnya parents kita kasi besar kita. Kalau dorang nda sayang dengan kita, JANGAN HARAP dorang mau buat semua tu. Bila kita sakit, bila kita dilanda kemalangan kecil - silap2 dekat terbang nyawa dorang sebab kebimbangan. Pikir senangkah? Tapi itu semua memang diduga sebab dorang adalah parents kita. Imagine betapa besar hati orang yang membesarkan anak orang lain biarpun bukan darah daging sendiri.

If you want to know my answer – Bagi sia the real responsibility is to RAISE the kid. Di sini baru lah u tau sama ada u sendiri menghargai 9 bulan yang u spent dan kesakitan melahirkan anak tu – sebab if you lalui tu semua tapi u "SURRENDER" mau kasi besar dia, I don't think you still own that highest place in this little hierarchy. Suddenly proses 9 bulan itu jadi satu proses yang mampu dilalui oleh lebih ramai perempuan berbanding dengan proses untuk menjadikan anak yang dilahirkan itu seorang manusia yang betul2 manusia.

So if you are in this situation … Even if you think you have enough reason to reunite with your real parents, Jangan sekali2 kamurang lupa jasa tu orang yg kasi besar kamu. Apa lagi bila kamu jadi orang yang berkebolehan, berwawasan dan tau menilai kehidupan. Bagi sia, jasa orang yg membesarkan kita tu memang kita nda terbalas. Hanya Tuhan ja yang dapat balas.

Note: Tiba2 sia teringat bila orang cakap, To achieve something is not the hardest. How to pertahankan achievement tu yang paling susah. Maybe the concept is the same :)

"Special Treatment"

You guys tau kah antara sedar atau tidak, kita ni sebenarnya sentiasa mengamalkan double standards? Kununnya kita ni sangatlah mengecam tindakan boss kita yang "pilih bulu" dengan bagi layan istimewa untuk workmates kamu yang tertentu, sedangkan sebenarnya mungkinkah perkara ni satu tindakan luar sedar yang each of us buat?

Sia terpikir topic ni after a lady who worked next door my office greeted me dengan bunyi yang sangat sopan sekali. Time kerja, I could hear her voice from my office. Dia ni mulut mcm loose canon sikit. Tidak tapis2 bahasa. Daripada "Kenapa juga kau pigang2 punggung sia ni, kau pikir masih virgin ka ni?" sampailah kepada, "Rimas sia tinguk muka kau ni tau." Haa, benda2 tu yang sia dengar keluar daripada mulut dia. Memang laser abis. Tapi laser dia ni kadang2 melucukan. Orang2 sekeliling dia kadang2 jadikan mulut laser dia tu sebagai hiburan. Kadang2 sia pun ketawa juga dengar percakapan dia tu. Hehehehehe.

Sia ni tidaklah boleh dilabelkan sebagai Friendly sama orang2 keliling sia, apa lagi kalau setakat main limpas2 saja. I always mind my own business so bila sia tau perangai thatl ady macam tu, sia lagilah don't want to have anything to do with her. I don't like orang mulut laser yang suka sakitkan hati orang. Mulut laser main sindir2 macam sia selalu buat tu (lain ceritalah…) *Lols. But that lady always treats me differently. Bila dia datang and tanya2 sia tentang hal tertentu, dia sangat rational dan tidak cakap nda tentu2. Macam dia jaga betul percakapan dia. Sampaikan sia pun tinguk dia lain macam, "Dia ni ok ka?" Hahahahaahahahahaha. Well, thankful juga la cos I don't have to deal with mulut laser yang tidak bertempat.

I still remember dulu time college years. Ada sorang budak ni, which was one of my ex- schoolmates from secondary school. Dalam banyak2 geng budak samseng, dia ni antara yang "digeruni" oleh kawan2 baru sia, sebab biarpun dia tu kecil, tapi brutal sikit. Memang terkenal dengan kesamsengan dia yang suka break the rules. Padahal muka bukan main kiut lagi. Mungkin the fact yang dia ni anak orang kaya, yang menyebabkan dia ada satu gaya yang menunjukkan her so-called status. Dia ni pernah satu bilik dengan sia dulu, but tidak lama. Cos she got expelled from school cos masalah disiplin. Memang tidak percaya. "Jahat betulkah dia?" Sia masih ingat, sia ni selalu pasang my small radio biarpun masa tidur. Then masa sleeptime to, my other roommates bercakap, "Buli kamu tulung diam ka? Sia mau tidur ni." She said to them. Sia pun kasi palan my radio (tapi tatap don't want to turn it off ba kan…hahaahahaha) Then she said, "[256], bukan kau. Sia cakap sama dorang ja tu. Kau pasang la tu radio." Yup, she said that. Mesti my other roommates pun heran. But I never really thought about it. That was during secondary school.

Time our first year in college, after my new friends kenal dia ni sebagai satu figure yang "dorang mau elak kalau boleh" (*Lols), then one day, kami just duduk2 masa petang time riadah. Geng2 dia ni datang la join kami. Bagi sia ok ja, but my other friends start rasa nda selesa. She sat beside me and we started talking macam biasa. Sepa sangka, kawan2 sia yg lain terasa gerun tinguk kami bercakap. Cos they thought sia akan kena maki or what oleh that girl. After we talked, my bestfriend came to me and said, "Wow, dia cakap bagus2 o sama kau kan?" Then I said, "Aiks, jadi mau cakap macamana lagi?" Then she said that she thought that girl akan brutal sama semua orang. Rupanya tidak. Well, mungkin ini tindakan refleks or what?

Macam juga dalam family. Ada yang your mom or dad akan treat lebih special dari yang lain. Sama juga dengan adik beradik. Ada yang dorang akan lebihkan daripada yang lain. Persoalan yg timbul adalah…Kenapa kita treat orang tertentu lebih baik daripada yang lain? Dalam kes yang sia pernah lalui, sia tidak pun mempunyai kepentingan dalam hidup orang2 tu. Like my friend yang brutal tu, she gains nothing from treating me nicely. I wasn't in her league at all and she always knows that. Or is there something about how we bring ourselves that we get special treatments from certain people?

I think memang we have this intuition how we evaluate people, and how we think they deserve to be treated. Maybe kita pun tidak tau yang our mind process the evaluation like that. Biarpun sia ni banyak cakap and suka buat joke nda tentu2, tapi my bestfriend yang selalu kena "Gete oo ni perempuan" oleh sorang lagi kawan baik kami yang owez lepak together. Sampaikan lain sudah muka bestfriend sia tu. Sedangkan me and my bestfriend pun lebih kurang juga tahap kegilaannya. *Lols. Kadang2 sia pun tersedar juga. Tapi ada juga people who treat me a little worse than they treat others. So I think penilaian orang ni tidak sama. So what we can do from here is…if we want to get other people's respect, maybe the key is only one. Respect them and treat them the best and when they get it, they will appreciate it by returning the same respect. If we still don't get the treatment we think we deserve, then there's very little we can do. Bottomline is, asal kita jangan saja2 mau jahat dengan orang lain pun cukup sudah tu.

But jangan silap. Getting someone's respect doesn't mean that you let them step on your back. Itu lain cerita. I've been there too. Silap2…pasal sia sudah lalui tu semua la then only I learnt how to earn people's respect dengan cara yang betul. Actually, I didn't try so hard juga. Tapi if Special treatment ni berpihak kepada diri kita, it's actually a boost kepada self-esteem kita. Baru kita sedar yang dalam kita sibuk mengutuk diri sendiri, orang lain pun tidak kutuk kita seteruk tu. So maybe we can use that untuk lebih menghargai diri sendiri. Yes, memang ngam advice tu untuk diri sia sendiri. Sia rasa sia pun belum cukup sayang diri sendiri lagi ni. Hehehehe. Well, baguslah if orang lain ble help me make me see myself more worthy kan :) Memang menarik betul bonding sesama manusia ni kan guys...

Hope we have everything to gain from it! :)

"The Dirty Pants"

I remember when I was much younger, accidentally kicking something that made me slip to the floor could be a very embarrassing experience. I would blush and hide myself – surviving that humiliation. Ouch? How terrifying could it be to actually slip on the floor and knock yourself down?

I hope I don't have to answer why I'm into high-heels, but I'm into those and it's not anything abnormal. Do I have the time to worry about what I wear on my feet, Anymore? I mean, the girls are sometimes too fussy over the petty things like – Oh, I'm wearing a pink dress, I must find a pair of cute heels with pink ribbons. Yeah, but maybe those days are going to be over someday too… for them, for anybody for that matter. Well, I realize that I'm not anymore into "the best matching" of what I wear on my body and what on my feet. I mean, is it even worth it to fuss over small matters? Or was it just me?

With serious matters that we have in mind now, I'm sure that we gradually letting go one by one the matters that were once bothering us. Yeah, finally we can tell which one is petty and with one is important. More and more responsibilities and commitments are claiming rights over our mind. Suddenly, we don't care so much about the little things anymore. I will tell you this experience of "The Dirty Pants".

I went out from a supermarket and I was on my way to the opposite road. I remember that I had to walk on a bumpy, stony undone road, which clearly needs extra alert especially for someone like me who cannot go without my high-heels. But I think that the stony road was just nothing. Why would I care that much, it's just a bumpy road that I had to walk a few steps and that's about it," as my mind would say. My hands were busy looking for something in my handbag, I was looking for my handphone, about to call my mom. It happens a lot when I could not find a freaking anything in my handphone whenever I need it! Omigawd! So I was re-acting the normal view of digging into my handbag looking for a hidden treasure that is nowhere to be found. Dammit. I needed to make that call to tell my mom that I was done shopping. And as I was on it, my feet haven't stopped walking, and did I say I care about the bumpy small road? *Lols. My heels actually slipped while I was stepping on a stone or maybe anything I didn't have time to examine, but enough to make me lose my balance and landed my knee on the ground. Wearing the pants that are very close to white, the knock down caused some dirt on my pants and it could clearly be seen in that colour. You guys know what I did? My hands kept digging into my handbag and it didn't change a little even when after the slipping incident taken place. A guy who was sitting not far from there saw it and he made that look, "Omigawddd!" Yeah, something like that. If he's allowed to say more, he might say, "Why didn't you be a little more careful?" Hehehe. Oh well, his face explained it all. *Lols.

That looks in his face tells me that he thought it was a terrible incident for someone to slip on that bumpy road and got her pants dirtied. I just got up and turned my face to him and smile, "Hahaha, Ouch! Sorry that it happened." I glanced very quickly to my pants and saw the dirt on the knee. "Nevermind." The guy, still with that panicked looks, told me, "See your pants got dirty". I smiled at him and said, "Don't worry about my pants." And then I just kept looking for my handphone and finally found it and made that call. Without even care to wipe the dirt from my pants. I just walked and managed to cover it with the jacket that I was holding. The view of the man made me smiled. He took it more seriously that I did. It was my pants who got dirt on, not his. It was me who slipped, not him. But it's about how you see things, you get me?

To me, it's just a small matter. I slipped, my pants got dirty, so what? I think my detergent can take care of that dirt. It will be clean again the next time I wear it. We have more serious matters in hands, remember? But actually, I was surprised too with myself. Because you guys should know that I do care about the small things. But this incident tells me that I have evolved to something else too. I don't believe that I go through day by day without taking something and put it to heart. I don't believe that I survive difficulties without learning something. I don't believe seeing life in its truer form, as I age, don't turn me into a better person. And that dirty pants incident tells me that I can't be the same person I was 5 years ago. This is the new me. I can stop and still care about the teddybear that got abused by the tailors next door but I can't spend another hour grieving on what's gonna happen on the teddybear if the abuse continues. (Hahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha Kidding guys.)

Let's worry on more serious stuff, ok guys? So dirty pants? Say Bring it on, bebeh. *Lols

Dare To Die!!!

Wahh…semenjak dua menjak ni…sia asyik bercakap tentang perkara2 yang motivate me. Ruginya kalau sia nda tulis benda ni kan. So here I am!

Hari tu…ada customer sia yang sempat borak with me. She’s my senior. Orangnya sempoi saja, tapi poket dia penuh. Dressing ala kadar. She runs a tourism agency with her hubby. Dia ni lah mama angkat kepada The Lucky Baby yang sia pernah cerita di post tahun lalu. Baru2 ni dorang satu family terbang pegi Hong Kong dan bercuti di sana hampir 1 bulan tanpa risau dengan business dorang. Dorang balik2 ja Sabah, sibuk buat persiapan bday that lucky baby yang ke 1 tahun. Bila sia tengok persiapan dia untuk majlis bercukur anak tunggal kesayangan dia tu – baju budak tu saja pun mau dekat RM1k, then sia tumpang tekejut saja la dengan big-spending dorang tu. Dalam hati sia… “Ini la ni kalau sudah lahir2 ja terus kaya.” Dekat setahun lebih sia beranggapan macam tu, until la sia akhirnya bercakap dengan dia dengan lebih detail.

Dia cerita dengan sia yang perjalanan untuk sampai ke tahap hidup senang yang boleh pegi holiday ni bukan cerita senang. Company tu dorang mula daripada Zero. And then, dorang pernah melalui kejatuhan yang kaw2 punya…sampaikan semua staff berhenti, bank call2 untuk tanya pasal installment kereta yang tertunggak. “Bunuh diri ja nda,” dia cakap. Bukan calang2 punya kejatuhan. And then, customer pun datang hentam dorang. Ada lagi accident yang berlaku yang menyebabkan reputasi company dorang bertambah teruk.

Masa dia sibuk bercakap, I was startled. Pandai2 ja sia assume yang dia ni kaya dari lahir. Kalau betullah apa yang dia cakap tu, dia sebenarnya sudah rasa macamana jadi susah. Dia bagitau pelaburan2 yang dorang sudah buat, ada yang tidak menjadi dan membawa kerugian. They took the RISK. Risk yang dorang ambil tu bukan alang2 punya. Sama ada kau terus hidup atau kau gulung tikar. Itu saja ending dia. But, sepa sangka, pasal dorang berani la dorang sampai ke tahap hari ni.

Then sia menyampuk, “Mesti mau berani mati ba kan?” sambil2 bergurau. She agreed with it right away. “Yess…betul. MESTI MAU BERANI MATI.” Uishh… serius ja bunyi dia tu ba. Hehehehe. Pikir buli hidup balikkah kalau sudah mati? Alaalalalala… Hehehehe.

Itu cuma kata kiasan saja. It’s about TAKING A HIGH RISK in order to move forward. Kalau sentiasa play it safe, sebenarnya teda apa juga yang kita dapat. Cuma “SAFE” itu saja lah reward dia, but SAFE only for the time being. Sama juga Safe yang tidak bekesudahan akhirnya tidak ke mana2. What For? That’s why la dengan bangganya dia nasihat sia supaya BERANI buat keputusan besar dalam hidup sia. Jangan asyik takut rugi, takut gagal… susah mau maju. Kalau jatuh tidak apa, asalkan bangkit semula.

Sia angguk paham. “Yes, Dare To Die, kan.”

Then she continued, “Dare To Die but YOU MUST LIVE.”

Then I paused for a while and say, YES!! Dare to die but Don’t Die, but Live!

Maksudnya, bila kita mau capai sesuatu, kadangkala risk yang diambil tu terlalu besar tetapi yang kita kejar tu pun sangat berbaloi. So, adakah kita akan terus memilih untuk tidak mencuba gara2 takut gagal dan rugi? You guys sedar kah yang Life ini memang adalah untuk kita sentiasa capai sesuatu dengan mengatasi kepayahan yang wujud di depan kita? Kenapa jua we make it sound as if benda ni “something new?” Kan memang inilah DEFINISI kehidupan? Jadi apa yang ada di depan sia ni adalah just a normal journey. If I freak out dengan hal2 mcm ni, memang I’m a loser before the battle is even begin. I’m alive and I’m healthy, apa lagi excuse sia nda mau take on this challenge kan?

Apa pun, I still ask myself, Do I Dare? Tapi thinking of that, memang betul2 interesting if sia just redah saja ni semua. Bila lagi kan?

Ingat tu… Dare TO Die --- But You Must Live!!

Biarkan Sajalah!

“Jangan kau naik tu, nanti jatuh!!” Begitu la yang biasa diteriak oleh ibu bapa kita kepada kita when we were still too small to know what’s dangerous. Especially when kita too curious nampak tu tangga yang tinggi…"Macam best pula kalau naik ni, tau…” Sama ada kita ni memang curious, atau memang kita rasa kita ni kuat dan sedia dengan sebarang perkara yang mungkin menimpa kita, or kita ni memang berpikiran pendek dan tidak mau pikir banyak. Well, dalam situasi kalau kita ni masih kecil, semua perkara tu adalah normal. Kadang2 when bapa kita teriak sampai tebangun tu ayam itik di kandang, sama jua degil. Inda mau dengar. Mau juga naik. Degil eh!

“[256], jangan kau naik tu tangga…nanti kau jatuh, silap2 bedarah lutut kau,” bilang bapa sia. Terus sia inda naik sebab dia tinguk sia. But bila dia teda sana, nahh…sana la sia teruskan mission sia. “Sia mesti naik itu tangga!” sia cakap dalam hati. Degil. Keras kepala. Kali tinguk, tiba2 muncul bapa sia di belakang, “Sudah sia kastau jangan naik tu tangga kan? Kenapa juga nda mau dengar ni? Kalau jatuh nanti macamana?” Then sia kasi biut muka merajuk kana marah. “Can you stop me?” RIGHT, You can’t freaking stop me. Kalau sia sudah determined mau buat something, I will do it. If you tie me di pokok kayu pun, ada jua cara sia mau lepas dan akhirnya naik tangga itu!! Sebab manusia memang macam ni. Kalau kepala otak dia mau, dia bukan dengar apa kau cakap. Apa lagi bila dia rasa excited and thrilled to try something yg dia rasa seronok.

Percaya atau tidak…Inilah yang kita hadapi dalam menjalani hidup kita. Kita ada kemahuan melakukan sesuatu, kita rasa kita boleh, and then kita rasa cara kita untuk mendapatkan sesuatu tu adalah betul. Yup…read that again. Contohnya kamu ni seorang cikgu, kamu sudah terlebih dahulu makan garam dari students kamu. Then kamu nampak students kamu ni asyik masyuk bercinta masa masih sekolah. Umur baru setahun jagung, sudah tau main cinta monyet. Kamu sudah lalui tu semua. Kamu buat satu sesi lecture di kelas. Kamu bagitau students kamu yg confirm dorang akan menyesal kalau cinta awal2 sebab semua cinta pada masa sekolah macam tu mesti tidak akan ke mana-mana. Silap2 paper fail, lugai2 putih mata. Apa pun nda dapat. Berbuih mulut kamu lecture students kamu supaya jangan main cinta2 monyet. Aha…kamurang pikir dorang mau dengar ka? Dorang sudah hanyut dengan perasaan yang di awang-awangan tu…dorang rasa happy dan bahagia dengan cinta monyet dorang, dan mau dibandingkan dengan kamu yg setakat pot pet teda hujung pangkal – entahkan betul entahkan tidak … kamurang pikir dorang mau dengar ka?? Yes, correct!! Dorang tidak akan mau dengar!!!

Jadi, apa macam? Kamu baca tu topic balik. Iaituu…BIARKAN SAJALAH! Ini saja cara yang terbaik. Bukan kerana kamu surrender tidak mau tolong orang lain supaya dorang tidak jatuh atau gagal, tapi memang THERE’S NO WAY yang dorang akan dengar cakap kamu sekiranya dorang expect ada sinar victory yang menunggu di hujung tu. BIARKAN saja dorang tu. Kalau si [256] telampau karas kepala, kasi biar dia naik tu tangga, kalau dia jatuh nanti, bedarah lutut…Nahhh, baru dia sendiri sedar apa yang bahaya. Daripada kau kasi kempunan dia. Biar la dia naik. Tapi kau pasang la tilam di bawah cos nda juga kita mau kepala dia yang landing dulu kan. Palis2. (*Lols).Eiii sampat lagi ba!

Ini cuma satu perumpamaan. Sampai hari ni pun, kita sentiasa dinasihat itu dan ini oleh orang yg TAHU dan berpengalaman. Dorang tau if kau ikut tu jalan yang kau pilih, kau akan susah. Tapi kau degil. Kau mau juga ikut. Then? Biar saja la! Kamurang tunggu ja dia patah balik kasi biut muka. “Baru sia tau oo itu jalan tidak bagus.” Nahhh, ini la yang kita tunggu. Biar dia find out sendiri. Sebab kalau mau harap kita yang bagitau orang, dorang tidak akan paham dan terima. Dorang kena find out sendiri.

Begitu juga la dengan sia. Bukan teda orang nasihat, bukan teda orang tau…Tapi apa buli buat kalau sia degil? Then now bila sia find out yang apa yang dorang cakap tu Memang Betul, dan sia telah memperbodohkan diri sia selama ni dengan mengikut sia punya kepala otak yang nda berapa buli pakai, Nahhh…PADAN DENGAN MUKA SIA KAN? Guess what… as a matter of fact, sia baru saja sedar sia melalui proses itu. Dan apa jadi dengan sia? Sia masih boleh berdiri dan bercakap macam awal2 dulu before sia buat kesilapan itu. Tapi kali ni, bahasa sia lain sikit sebab sekarang SIA TAU, dulu sia NDA tau. Sekarang sia buli becakap and analisis kesilapan sia. What when wrong and all that. Dan apa yang lebih best lagi…selepas sia jatuh sendiri dan bangun kembali, sia jadi orang yang lebih pintar. At least sia sudah buktikan teori yang sia ragui dan sia boleh jadi BUKTI itu sendiri kepada satu perkara yang orang lain susah mau percaya. Sometimes, memang macam ni. Kau kena terhantuk, terduduk dan almost tersungkur dulu barulah kau tau. Jadi… now that I made a mistake, sia teda masa mau hantuk kepala sia di dinding or mau gigit lengan sia sendiri untuk lepas geram. Sebab bagi sia, INILAH KEHIDUPAN. Mimang sia PERLU buat kesilapan itu untuk jadi orang yg lebih baik.

Now sia nampak sekali lagi, macamana God does it. Biarpun sia masih rasa sakit akibat terjatuh, tapi sia masih terasa mau senyum sebab sia pikir dari mula lagi…seolah-olah benda ni direka sedemikian rupa supaya sia boleh lakukan satu kesilapan dan bangkit semula. Entah dari mana pikiran ni datang bahawa, Success itu ada price dia. Bukan MURAH itu Success tu. I think, secara logiknya, God pun nda mau kita berjaya dengan mudah sebab takut2 kita tidak tau apa NILAI sebuah kejayaan. Tadi sia bercakap dengan my mom’s friend about perkara ni – I WISH I had someone yang becakap di tempat sia sekarang and sia berada di tempat my mom’s friend supaya sia tidak perlu kerugian masa dan wang ringgit dengan kesilapan yang boleh dielakkan. Tapi tidak apa juga. Yang paling best sekali adalah… KESILAPAN itu kini berada di belakang sia. Apa lagi sia mau takut? Benda tu sudah lepas. Sekarang adalah masa untuk MAKE UP for it and sia mau ONE DAY sia akan rasa mau hug2 itu kesilapan – sampai gitu sekali kan. Sebab sepa tau…kesilapan itu lah permulaan kepada sesuatu yg indah pada masa depan.

Dengan my stubbornness… Dad, thanks for letting me fall off the stairs. I need this one time experience so that I don’t have to fall again. A Fall…suddenly it sounds too simple to compare to what’s waiting for you. Wow… :)

My Serious Goodbye To 2009

2009 is conclusively a BAD year for me as a whole. Although I have sweet memories that happen this year, but luck was always not on my side. And the tests and challenges that I have to survive have tested my strength to the max. I almost lost my drive and energy. My big decisions were proved to be wrong. I was forced to make a U turn for the biggest decisions that I have made from last year.

Do you think it’s easy? I have to recollect my sense and strength – I have to tell myself again that I was just the victim of circumstances. I have done my best but still I ended up regretting a few things. I hate feeling regrets. I know that maybe I was not that smart but at least smart enough to decide. I still failed. 2009 showed it to me that I was STILL FAR from getting there. Sheittttt… *Lols.

Well, I don’t want to write much. I seriously want to leave this year and I don’t want to turn back. I don’t care about New Year resolutions. I don’t care about counting down to the year transition on 12 midnite. I don’t care all that. I just don’t want another bad year. I have ENOUGH of all that. I don’t care about formality. I don’t care about welcoming the New Year with a friendly smile because 2010 doesn’t even recognize a warm smile. Cos by any chance, 2009 could recognize a warm smile, it won’t end up like this…me saying a harsh goodbye and waiting impatiently to leave this year.

Anyway, just to be fair. Maybe it’s true that 2009 showed me my bad decisions. But maybe I don’t know how many new opportunities and good people that I have met this year that actually brings me happiness for the rest of my life. I never know cos maybe 2009 is just the beginning of many wondrous things for me. I don’t know yet.

2009, although it has to be harsh now, but it’s not too late for me to change my label on you. I can imagine that when good things happen to me in 2010, I will have to refer back to you because it’s you that saw how everything started. You know what? Maybe I just have to leave so much space for that “reunion” with you cos who knows, your name might keep playing back as I recall all the things that I don’t know would turn big. Maybe it’s meant to be that you have to be this humble for now, 2009. One thing I can do for you is…I’m not giving up on you yet.

But for now, I need to move on. I need to give you a serious goodbye. Yes, you may come again back in the picture, but please hold something good in your hands when you knock. Until that, I just don’t want to turn back. I have to leave you here.

2010…I don’t know about you. But I speak of you too many times I thought I have already coming to the end of you, but actually, you have not even started yet. I’m glad though. Because maybe I can still decide what I want to do with you. I want to decide that you gonna be a wonderful year for me. I keep my fingers crossed.

Yeah, finally [256] can say it straight to be point. *Lols.

NOTE: Actually I have so much works delayed for my blog, so I have to keep my new posts sweet and simple… (at least for now). Hahaahahahaha :P

Give Till It Hurts

Janganlah Memberikan Sesuatu Sebagai Hadiah Dari Kelebihan Melainkan Berikanlah Sesuatu Sampai Anda Sendiri Merasa Sakit.

I saw this line from the bulletin for the Christmas Eve mass. When I read it, I thought that it could never happen to me. I mean, Who would want to give something when it causes them pain? As a matter of fact, we would not want to give at all if we can’t afford to give something. So it’s always because We Can Afford to give then only we give. But that line is suggesting that – it’s for the sake of giving – whether or not you can afford it. Iaitu kebesaran hati untuk memberi sesuatu kepada orang lain itu yang lebih penting.

Who would have guessed that I actually felt “that pain” for this Christmas? *giggles.

Buying a gift for our loved ones is not that hard. If you have the money, you can buy anything nice. But sometimes the concerns arise are – 1. Whether or not the gift is expensive enough to make them happy? 2. If Yes, will they actually be happy to receive the gift with the amount money that we spent on it?

But I’m not doing it like what others do. I don’t believe that the more expensive the gift is, the happier they feel when they receive it. I always know that it’s not like that. The best gift that people can get from me is my handwork. If I care enough to sacrifice my time and energy, it’s the best gift that I could give.

So here is the Christmas gift story for this year. Hehehe. I was planning to make a surprise. It’s a specially designed gift for my family members. So because I was so busy with other things, I delayed my plan until the last minute. Since that I could not make the gifts ready by Christmas Eve, believe it or not, I actually went to work on Christmas Day? Ouch! Not that I didn’t respect the holiday, but it was coincident that we only have a special dinner at nite. So I had to cancel going to some Christmas invitations that I received during the day. I had to tell them, “Sorry, I have something urgent to do”. Wasn’t that painful enough? I had to cancel my chance to meet my friends and relatives and eat variety of foods just to prepare the gifts. That’s one pain to count.

And then, the office was actually closed on Christmas Day. Nobody in the whole big building actually turned up. The security guards had told everyone to not come for any purpose because it would cause them extra work to look over the building if the building was opened. But because my equipments are all there, I HAVE to come. So it’s actually another pain to see the face of the security guard in charged when he had to stay there and watch the building since I was there. I spent almost the same hours in my workplace trying to make what I planned. So even my safety was at risk. Anybody would sneak into the building and do something bad. The guard had to be alert of that too just because of me. Did I just do that? I could not believe it myself. It was for the gifts.

Then here’s another thing. I found out that my equipment failed to perform. It was really a last minute malfunction that caused me headache. I had to run to find a shop that can do it for me, but most of the shops were closed. So I found a shop, and I thought I was lucky. Still, I was not lucky enough because the shop couldn’t produce exactly the quality that I expected. The time was running out. I must get everything ready in hours. But I came to the end of my wits. I could not do anything about it. I came back to the office and paused – “What should I do now?”.

My expectation was too high and must be met. I felt so upset inside. I wanted my family to be happy to receive something special from me after the Christmas dinner. It was gonna be a big surprise that would touch their hearts because they know, the whole year I was always giving the excuse that I was busy and set aside what they asked me to do since I always give my customers the priority of my time. So I wanted to take that time to show them that finally I have time to do what they want. But after all that I did that day, things were not working smoothly for me. I felt so stressed out and upset.

I suddenly remember the line that I took from the church bulletin. “Berikanlah Sesuatu Sampai Anda Sendiri Merasa Sakit.” Maybe it was what I was feeling that time. I pushed my effort to the limit. If I just buy anything to replace that gift, that means I could only give them the second best. I really felt it how my intention of giving got the better of me. I would not settle for the second best.

Finally…though I could not prepare the special gift yet, luckily I have other smaller gifts to give them and told them I have to delay the other gift. Guess what, they did not expect anything and they were still happy even I did not give them anything.

This Christmas, I learnt something very useful about Giving.

When you are very sincere about giving something to people, you would do anything even how hard, even how difficult, just to make it happen. Even if you know people would still be happy without the gift…Even if you know you are still loved the same even if you don’t give them a gift. It’s not about THEM. It’s about YOU. Cos you want to give and then you MUST give.

At the end of the day, I found out something else.

When you give something with all your heart, the most joy happens in the heart of the ones who GIVE, and not the ones who RECEIVE.

Now I understand what it means by The Pleasure Of Giving.

If you give something till it hurts you, it represents that your giving heart is bigger than what could be defined by your wealth. As beautiful as that :)

P/S – I will have a new year gift for my beloved readers :)

"You've Changed Me"

A few days ago, I had a talk with a guyfriend. Out of nowhere, he brought up this matter. He said to me that, “I think I’ve changed.” And the way he said it, he was happy with the changes. Then I remember asking, “In what way?” He said he couldn’t explain.

Though I was curious to know in what way that he thought he has changed, but it was the least that I thought it has anything to do with me. Until he finally said,

“It’s you that changed me.”

That’s the sweetest part. *giggles.

I don’t know if he knows what I feel when he said something like that. So because I didn’t recall telling him, so I’m telling now.

I associate with people at the level that I’m comfortable with. You can’t say that I try very hard or I don’t try at all – to make a friendship work. It’s always just as much as I’m capable of giving. You want to talk, I talk if I have the time. You want ears, I’ll lend mine. You want to discuss something, I’ll sit down and discuss with you if I can spare some time for it. It’s always about how much we can freely give way to the other person for friendship. So from this, you know that I can’t be trying too hard to be Miss Friendship in someone else’s eyes. I also have my day job, I also need my rest, and I also have my problems to take care of. I can’t dedicate myself to be the best friend my friend could wish for. I can only do so much at my level best. So knowing that I have all that limitation and still someone thinks that I am a lot more than just a passer-by in a friendship, I feel so honoured. I feel like although how hopeless or helpless I feel sometimes, who would have guessed that actually I do matter to some people. If some people could still think of me, miss me or even remembering my little ways – then I ask myself – if people can appreciate me, how far hopeless or helpless that I could become? Suddenly it’s another reason for me to love myself.

Then when it comes to the question when people get inspired by you, to the extent that they think they change to better because of you, imagine how rewarding is that.

It’s after all, what being friends should be right? We make each other a better person. If you can put that as an aim, imagine what world would we make.

Now I agree all over again that it’s sometimes through our friends’ eyes that we can see what a worthy human being we are.

I might not see what my problems make me. I might not see what my bitter experiences teach me. I might not see if crying over something does give me something else more than pain and sadness – but finally it’s a friend that would tell me that all those makes me a better Friend…as a reflection that I am now a better person because I have survived the hardship. And surely stronger to survive many more in the future.

Keep changing for the better, my dear friends :)

“Don’t Steal My Ideas, He said”

Are you in the field that you got scared people steal your ideas? Actually, it’s not just about ideas, but also other things like machines and equipments that help you to make money.

Sia ada sorang kawan ni yang mengadu dengan sia hari tu. Since he has a photo studio, so asset dia is his camera, printer, backdrops and other things yang berkaitan dengan how to he makes his products better than competitors. Sia faham apa dia rasa bila competitors dia datang and tanya, “What printer you use?”

Just because he was freaked out that they know about his printer, dia sanggup angkut2 printer dia pulang rumah. I mean, mimang inilah yang kita buat untuk dapatkan ketenangan fikiran. Nanti kalau org tau, silap2 dorang tiru pula kan? Nanti kalau org tau dia pakai printer apa, for sure dorang pun boleh hasilkan result yg sama. Itu yang dia takut. Nasib baik printer dia tu portable. Macamana pun kalau printer dia tu besar yang perlu dua, tiga orang angkat sekali? Hehehehehee.

And then, dia cakap pasal camera dia pula. Printer dia boleh tapuk, tapi macamana dengan camera? Memang dia tidak dapat tapuk, sebab tu yang dia guna untuk ambil gambar. But then dia cakap, “I’m not worried people see my camera. Cos what they see is only my camera. They won’t know perkara2 details yang I set with my camera to produce pictures yang bagus.”

Ahaa…finally!!! That’s what I was about to tell him. Hal2 equipment ni, apa juga. Dia boleh beli benda yang sama. Tapi percaya atau tidak, belum tentu dia akan hasilkan product yang sama bagusnya. Dia buli curi idea tu, but still result tidak sama bah. Dulu sia pun pernah jadi macam dia. Sia worry mau bagitau orang apa barang yang sia guna untuk produce my work. For example, when they saw my graphics…they asked me, Eh [256], apa kau guna untuk buat ni graphics semua?” Dulu sia pun ragu2 mau bagitau. Tapi sekarang tidak lagi. Tapi sia bagitau juga. Dorang pikir sia main2, sebab sia list at least 3 software. *Lols. Ui, ketara abis la si [256] ni nda mau kastau. Hehehehe.

Actually, apa la ba juga kalau setakat mau kasitau orang apa yang kita guna untuk buat certain work. Sebab benda2 tu semua memerlukan skill. And then, dia kena ada citarasa yang ngam dengan kerja yang mau dihasilkan. And then, kerja2 yang memerlukan creativity ni bukan senang ba. Bukan u can simply main tiru2 orang.and then buat another duplicate of the work.

I went to satu computer course on a tough multimedia subject. Kami kena ajar guna satu software untuk buat animation. Semua yang dia ajar ikut tutorial ja. Macamana mau kasi gerak object A ke B. Itu ja yang dia ajar kami. How to buat the movement cantik dan kemas, itu dia tidak mampu ajar kami. Sebab ini adalah manipulation of the software only. If you know the basic of how to use the timeframe, you can buat macam2 benda. Asal you tau basic ja. I bet yang tukang ajar kami tu pun tidak la tau sangat macamana mau buat. Dia cuma ajar ikut teori saja. Then, bila kami check kerja kawan kami sorang ni, dengan teori begitu pun dia sudah mampu buat satu animation katun berjalan dengan smooth sekali. Memang mengagumkan. Imagine, satu kelas tu diajar benda yang sama, tapi bukan semua dapat buat animation. Ada yang langsung nda tau apa benda. So, if you pikir betul2, it’s the same out there. Kita punya talent, kemahiran, kecepatan minda ni tidak sama. Idea pun tidak sama. Kalau orang curi idea kita, apa kau mau risau? “Kilang” penghasilan idea tu masih bekerja dengan baik ba, iaitu otak kamu, diri kamu!

Ada orang suka menyanyi, tapi bila dia menyanyi, langsung tidak ngam tune. Padahal kalau orang tanya dia, dia dengan berapi-api cakap yang dia minat menyanyi. It’s sometimes like that. Sometimes minat kita tidak selari dengan kebolehan kita. So memang kamu akan excel dengan bagusnya kalau kamu berkebolehan dalam bidang yang kamu minat. So kalau kamu berbakat dalam bidang yg kamu minat, lagilah susah untuk orang beat kamu. Sebab bukan semua org berada field yang ngam dengan kebolehan dorang. So…berbalik kepada persoalan di atas… No need la to freak out berlebih-lebihan takut orang curi your idea, sebab perjalanan masih jauh lagi untuk meniru keja kamu. Sia yakin hasil tangan kita memang berbeza. Unless dorang ciplak your work bulat2 and tulis signature there. Even if that happens pun, benda tu semua sementara ja ba. Orang yg buli tiru kerja kita ni bukan senang mau jumpa. Itupun kalau dia teda kehidupan untuk dihidupi, then maybe dia akan ada banyak masa untuk truly imitate hasil kerja kita.

Sia teringat satu masa dulu. I did a work for an organization. It’s mostly about designs. Tapi my work is to modify the whole thing. So everything sia buat dari scratch. Teda yang sia main ambil dari kerja orang. Since that I have a little bit of skill for that, sia pun buat la. Then dorang plan mau assign someone else to do the maintenance just in case of any update or changes, but mimang I cannot commit my time for that. So dorang hired someone else to take care of that. So…sia sure dorang hire a person yg bukan alang2. But then, sia pun tekejut dorang masih datang tempat sia tanya, “[256], mana kau dapat itu material untuk your design hari tu?” Sia tepikir kejap la. Baru sia ingat, since that sia buat semua dari scratch, memang ada payah sikit kalau someone else mau modify. Tapi dorang insist juga untuk guna apa yg ada. Jadi, the next time sia tinguk tu benda kan, sia senyum geli hati bila nampak “kecacatan” yang dibuat oleh orang baru tu bila dia cuba modify my original work. But sia nampak juga kehandalan itu orang sebab I knew “he tried his best”. *Lols. Kalau tu benda bukan keja sia, maybe sia nda akan sedar. Di sana la sia terpikir something. Kerja orang lain ni, biarpun camana pun u bagus, tetap akan cacat if you tried to make it looks like yours.

And pernah juga I was concerned – if anybody use any of my work and claim sama urg yang tu kerja dorang – apa perasaan sia? Well, if orang dapat outcome yg bagus, mungkin dorang akan diminta produce something like that, but for sure, dorang tidak akan dapat buat. Maybe I still win cos even berapa banyak hasil kerja sia kana ciplak or kena curi, tapi selagi sia masih hidup, sia akan boleh produce lagi banyak benda mcm tu, dan mungkin lebih baik lagi. Tapi palis2 la if something goes wrong with blogspot and tiba2 my post yang sudah 300 lebih ni hilang. Sia rasa sia akan paning selama 1 bulan, sia akan merajuk sama ni blogspot selama 1 tahun dan sia akan mogok tidak mau blogging lagi at least 10 tahun – dan mungkin ada maju sikit tu business panadol actifast tu masa. Hahahahahahahahaha. Kidding!! Touchwood…palis2!!!!

Apa pun…kalau boleh buat sendiri, buat la sendiri. Jan buat someone else tidak tidur malam pikir periuk nasi dorang kana curi oleh orang yg mau shortcut. Nanti sia2 you punya kepala otak nda kana guna. The feeling bila u achieve something because of your own sweat…is Very different and indescribable. You should try it :)

Don't Stop That Noise...

You guys read this post…I hope it would knock some senses into us. 

NOISE -- Nobody really likes it all the time. If you can pick a silent and peaceful environment, yes, you would pick this, anything away from the pollution of sound. 

I remember my parents were talking out loud about something funny and we were laughing our heart off. Suddenly my sister came from upstairs, wearing that upset looks and said to us, 

“Can you guys please tone down the volume cos I can’t sleep? Like I can listen to every words. I’m trying to get some rest!”
 

Yes, it was always noisy when the rest of the family are gathering in the house. It’s a normal view when the house where a family stays, would get even more silent each year – when the kids are growing and eventually have to leave the house to pursue their dreams. One child might be off to another state for studies, another one would get married and stay at the spouse’s place and one would be stay at a different place because it’s closer to his workplace. Yeah…for all the different reason, the family house would get really SILENT. If you were the parents, you would understand that this SILENT wasn’t there when the kids were still small; when they still need your protection and care. 

One day, you would cry alone hugging your pillow, missing this noise that you thought you hated just because you wanted to get some rest. That time then only you realize If Only you just let them do the noise. It’s the most heavenly noise that you can afford to have. But that time, it’s too late. Because that’s what most of us do. We only realize the value of something when it’s gone. Now I’m telling you so you APPRECIATE that noise that made them these people. They are the same people you call you loved ones. They are the same people you mention in all your prayers. 

 

So when I told my sister that That is SO SO Stupid to complain about the noise that we make. “Aren’t you enough of silence?!!!” I really mean it. Just put it this way. Just imagine that this life is CURSED with silence. So all the noises that come along the way are actually what give this life the meaning. Cos after the noises are gone, it’s going to SILENCE again. 

So don’t you think we have enough of Silence? Now think once again if you want to wait until you lose this noise forever or START appreciating it NOW. It’s not to late for most of us. Those who have lost this noise KNOW what I’m talking about. 

Yeah…I won’t curse this noise anymore. This is the most lovely noise to my ears. Let’s make some noise my dear loved ones. I will call myself very lucky if I can hear this noise as long as I breathe.

Please don’t stop that noise. I will tolerate all my beings for this heavenly noise. I don’t care about that stupid silence cos it’s gonna be there waiting for me when this noise runs its course.

 

Pleaseee…Don’t Stop That Noise….