Friday, June 24, 2011

“Duit Boleh Dicari Tapi…”

I have a little situation just now. I asked a jobless friend to do something for me since everyone else in my department was busy with something. If I were to do it myself, it would take the whole sleepless night for me. The job was simple, but it became tough because of the time constraint. I was being selfish because I did not want to engage in the petty stuff since I have more important thing to do, so I called a friend who needed extra income. I actually paid for the work prior to handling it to her.

She came this morning, and said to me she finished it all in one night. She woke up at 4 AM just to continue with the work. She was concerned about my deadline too. And she even asked her family members to help her out. She came to the office bringing all the work, I noticed that the job that she did in 1 night, was not even half from what we both could do in all the day hours. She must have doubled her intensity, and not to mention that she got lack of sleep and even injury, stress and anything – just to complete the task for me. While she was out to take her lunch, I was thinking again, Have I paid for that hardwork? Of course I remember. I did pay for it already. But the little voice inside me saying that…what I paid was NOTHING compared to what she did. I could never complete the task, I would still be pressured by counting every minutes that pass. I suddenly realize that, yeah, it could be a simple work that anyone could do, but not anyone would do it, especially with the little amount of money. I thought that “I should pay her more.” Maybe the amount that I paid for her was enough for the kind of work but something was not feeling right. She deserved more. 

This is what I did.

When she came back, I took out my wallet and pulled out a few notes and put it on the table near her. She saw it and I noticed she was surprised because she knew I have paid the day before but I pretended I FORGOT that I have paid her. She always know that I am a person who has my mind all over different stuff so I might overlook things – in the worst case scenario I could possibly forgot to pay or even pay double – I mean, Yeah, Thanks that I could make people think that I could be that careless. Hehe. Anyway, she did not say to me that, “Eh 256, I thought you have paid me yesterday?” Of course she didn’t dare to say it because I know she needed the money and yet she knew the effort that she did was beyond any amount, especially when she made it on time. She helped me to make it on time. My evil side told me that I could spend the money on something else. I didn’t have to double pay her since she put such a low value to her energy and time. I mean, from our other conversations, I learned that she didn’t expect to get paid much.

Then my angelic side told me that…Whatever that I have paid her, I could earn it all back. It wasn’t even a lot. The commitment that someone showed, and how I appreciate a friend who did something for me, it was beyond any value. I could underpay her and get away with it, and I officially take advantage from someone who is less fortunate than me. So my angelic side won. I paid with a light heart. She deserved it. Money is just money. It’s NOTHING compared to the good bond between humans; especially friends. If I want to find the right time to be kind and nice, THIS IS THE TIME. I do it to the deserving friend. Like people said, “Duit Boleh Dicari…” Life is just temporary. Money is not our master. If we have a little more than others, we share it. It might not be much, but the little joy that we bring to them, will go a long way. One day we might be the one in need, and we understand that the good conscience in someone in my position now, means A LOT. And that day, you know that you would be saying, “Only God could repay her.” The heaven must be smiling. :))

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Tribute To Father's Day 2011: "This Man..."

If we are asked who we love the most, many would mention their mom first. Of course, the dad will come after that. He should. Or if you can put him in one line as your mom, do it. This person that you call your dad, is partly the reason how you can be here. While our mom was in labour to give birth to us, This man was the most excited person waiting outside. He could be the most worried person in the world. He could also be the most prepared person he would start thinking about saving up for your schooling and even imagine you wearing your graduating cap. This guy that I mention, isn’t just any guy. He’s our dad.

I am really in the right position to write something about him because I’ve been the daddy’s girl since I was kid. I was remembered by most of my relatives as “that little girl” who followed her dad around. My dad was always patient with me because of my difficult nature. I remember everytime I woke up from sleep and found out I was alone in the room, I cried and my dad would come to pat me until I stopped crying. Maybe there’s a reason behind me being the daddy’s girl. It could possibly be traits that I inherit from my dad. Yeah, I get some of my nature from him. My temper. I also inherit my dad’s talkativeness and I am not sure if I also have that “natural comedian” in me cos my dad has it. When he mingles with our relatives, usually the little group would be full of laughter because of the funny things that my dad says. Hahaha. It’s cute to recall. I realize that if it isn’t for a special day like this, I would just let all the little details pass.

Speaking of growing up, not all are lucky to have parents who make sure that we have good faith in religion. My dad, made it a routine for us to attend church every week since we were kids. Even when I was too young to understand what was going on there, or understand English (since my dad always attended English mass), he would just let me sit there beside him even when I was busy sleeping or playing with the kids sitting behind us. As a result, we find church as a peaceful place. Even when we have struggle in our faith as we grow older, and even get lazy to attend the weekly mass, we never “make enemies” with the church as always get back to the lifestyle of “if your life is doing good, means you should have time for weekly mass”. Dad, thanks for this. It helps a lot in living a life with virtues.

My dad is always very strict. Maybe because he had to work in a very young age to earn for his family, and then helped his siblings, he didn’t have much space for himself. He quit school very early because of financial problem and then he started building life. He has reasons why he put all his hopes on us. I understand that, dad. I remember that he first taught us ABC, he canned my fingers with ruler because I just could not get the learning right. He also rewarded us with coins if we finished doing our workbook. He was also the person who pulled my hand forcing me to get up on my first day at school. I also remember that after PMR, I told my dad I wanted to move to another school because I could not bear the pressure being in the elite school and my dad did everything I asked. This is not to mention that he would rush to clinic if any of us got fever, even in the rain. He could not compromise on his children’s health. I remember when I was at the hostel, I had this strange illness on my stomach, that went on for a week, and I called my dad “I want to go home.” My dad was so panicked because of the phonecall cos he thought that I would not ask to go home unless it was so terrible. He went out from home very early to go to the chapel to pray before we went to the clinic. As I was being examined by the doctor, I could see the panic in my his face. Luckily it was just gastric. I feel so touched as I write this, and I think that my dad has done A LOT for us. I could not mention all here because there’s NO WAY I could be able to do it. As I write, I realize even more that I have not done much to repay him.

My dad is just a normal man who had struggled to overcome his weaknesses and luckily, he has changed a great deal when alcoholism almost ruined the marriage. When I was 16, there was this big argument between my mom and dad when my dad was drunk and I cried so hard. It was my dad’s fault so I thought that I should do something. I came out and took out my anger and said to my dad, “If you end up like this then you should never teach us to go to church because you are not doing what you preach. What you taught us about being good and doing good was all USELESS until you show us in example that you can do the same first, and then only expect us to do the same.” My dad went silent. It was a day when he decided to change a great deal. It took the incident to make a big shift in his life. 

I saw it in my dad that a man could have all that flaws but if they are the men with values, they would not make anything ruin their most precious treasure. Not all men able to do this. So I’m thankful that my dad is one of them. My mom is lucky because my dad is not like the modern dads out there, who have social life issues that could lead to bigger problems. Apart from the problem with alcohol, my mom still knows that he’s still the best father to us. My dad is the type who is so conventional that he only lives his life for his family. Call him the most unsophisticated dad but as a result to that, my parent’s marriage is sturdy. I’m thankful for that.

One thing that I can see is that what our dad wants is not for us to give him back all the money he spent. No. What he wants is for us to be human, who could build our own life, and we do good from there. If we have a job that can secure us a good life, it’s all the relief that he wants. He wants to see us be a successful and useful person. If we can stand on our own, I think that’s when he thinks that his effort and sacrifices finally pay off.

I have let my dad down many times but the love of a father to his kids is just beyond the ordinary kind of conditional love. Just like our mom, our dad would just find a way to forgive us, and never abandon us when we are in trouble. Like I said before, we could have men come and go in our lives, but This Man, will stay and never leave. Most guys we know would only come to us because they want something from us and always make us a subject of evaluation, are we pretty enough, smart enough or kind enough. Our dad, in the other hand, know us more than any of these guys would and would still stay with us even if we are the ugliest girl around. Even when we have hurt his heart, along with his prayer that he wish that we would change, his love for us will never change.

To all my friends, spend a moment today to think how much have we done to our dad. Be thankful that we still have him around and it’s never too late to make him happy. Without him, we will not be here today. Say a prayer so that God will always put him under His care – at least, for everything that he has done for his kids. Fatherhood is the most challenging task for a man and some of the men, have successfully pull off this mission. The rest of the men who are still looking around “for the value”, look at these fathers. And until you become one, then only you realize that your manly nature is never bigger than your fatherly responsibilities. 

Thanks for being my dad. I could never ask for a better father. You are the Best of the Best. *giggles. God bless you, dad :)

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Joke or...The Jewel

Hiya all. I miss you guys too…*LOLS. Now I am stealing time to write cos I know I am bad with time management. If I delay, I would leave another day without a new post…OK guys, I’m here now. Come let’s talk about something that everyone can relate to. It’s about Being You. Yes You.

Everyone wants to be “All the good things”. Smart, good looking, sexy, macho – you name it. You look at the mirror and see someone. I know that many of us go out there and looking for approval that, Yes, the person they see in the mirror is “someone the person who is looking at the mirror can be proud of”. Do you do that? Are you one of them? Hehehe.

From my experiences, I am nothing new to compliments and even sarcastic remarks and even criticism, for whatever reasons. I have felt how people’s hurting words hurt me till it made me cry but on the other hand, I have received compliments that made me feel like a priceless irreplaceable jewel. So, if you really care about people’s opinion, which do you plan to be? The joke or the jewel? If you pick to be the Jewel, what about those who dislike you or keep finding fault with you? Don’t you think you should take into consideration their opinions too? Aren’t you one of them who build lives on people’s approval? Or are you Not?

Look, ladies and gents. Maybe I am cursed with hyperthinking. I could never get enough of doing it. I WAN T TO KNOW WHO I REALLY AM. If people say I am bad, AM I THAT BAD? If people say I’m good, do I deserve it?

Since small, I saw my sister won all the comparisons between us. I have learnt to be happy as someone who lost to someone better. As we grew up, I overtook my sister. Suddenly my relatives saw me first instead of my sister. It made me thinking, Hey hey…so has my sister really becoming worse that what she was when everyone was praising her? I finally found the answer. The answer is NO. My sister will always be “herself” and all her winning points, just that the judges have changed , so sometimes I could be seen as a winner, instead of her.

After all said and done, don’t you feel tired? Don’t you want to retire and call it a quit to all this games of evaluation which results keep changing. Everyone has their own say. Subjective. Suddenly you come at a point where you wonder, HEY, SO HOW THE HECK I SHOULD THINK OF MYSELF? Silly. Don’t freaking ask that!!! Hahahahaa.

I know that I have surpassed that stage when what people think about me doesn’t really linger in my mind. Not that I don’t care. Not that I don’t appreciate. If people flatter, I’d say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Just that, I SHOULD know something MORE than other people know about me. At least, something that is not subject to changes. So maybe I have found a few points to that list, so when I have my guyfriend come to me and say, “256, lose that hair. It doesn’t work on you”. I just won’t bother. I FAIL to bother. I even have people criticizing on my work and how I do my work. They just meet me in 10 minutes and already they have a full set of personality analysis. I could only laugh back. I spend my whole life learning myself and you learn me in 10 minutes and claim you know everything?

I speak this way to give you guys a kickstart on HOW to SEE yourself BEYOND all the watching eyes. You can never be smart and beautiful and sexy and handsome TO EVERYONE! I bet my life on this. So BELIEVE in who you see in the mirror and what you feel about the person, cos when you go out there and listen to everyone, trust be you’d think you don’t know who you are anymore! Same thing when people flatter you. You know better that you are just as B level but people say you are A scorer, it will keep you on the ground. You say thanks to them, and it boosts your confidence, but you know that you are just at B level. MY point is very simple. YOU ARE SO PRICELESS. How many cells and tissues and organs come together to form YOU, and blessed with abilities and talents, TELL ME GUYS, TELL ME HOW COULD YOU NOT BE A JEWEL? Self value is VERY IMPORTANT. When you reach a certain stage, you know that no matter what people think, YOU KNOW YOURSELF BETTER.

It’s okay if you think you are over praised for something that you have or you do, but then use your Jewel quality to knock yourself back that you know regardless what people say, whether it’s too good or too bad, IT WON’T CHANGE WHO YOU ARE. You are still with your glory and obscurity. You might not be good in writing, but maybe you are a fast practical thinker. Be happy for other people for their Jewel qualities, but never leave yours wasted. You know what is so good about all this??

You can simply experience the miracle of your creation. You are strong and you are weak. And you know it all. This is your weapon to maximize yourself so you can make full use of everything you have and how you avoid yourself from succumbing to your weak points. Most importantly, who do you see in the mirror is YOU, regardless what people might think of “that” person. You can still go around and feel you are on top of the word although you are not be Albert Einstein or Aiswarya Rai. You could be a joke to many, but to you, you know you are that Jewel. Never waste it :)

Friday, June 10, 2011

DePreSSion: My Side Of Story – PART II

It must be a little piece of heavenly pity to keep me alive. With the routine of locking myself in the room, doing a lot of things without having heart and mind involved, I felt like a walking corpse. Sometimes I just cried so pathetically. I FORGOT about the word “blessing” or “grace” or anything that are positive. I forgot what are my real treasure. When nothing was left, maybe I still have my parents to thank because I could be having so many wars inside my head, but I COULD NOT LOSE values that my parents taught me. Maybe it was the only thing that was still working in me. My Good Sense. It delayed my stupid plan another day, to another day, to another day, UNTIL I SAW THE LIGHT

Waiting the days for my graduation, I enrolled a course at an international college, doing a course totally different from university, and I gave it shot. Since it was funded by the government, I was just using the chance. I finally came out of my shell and MEET PEOPLE again. I was a little awkward at first. I found out that I was really outdated in many things but something happened. I GOT UP FROM SLEEP. In the course, I was AGAIN, the brightest student. From the first day, our lecturer really spared special kind of treatment for me, unlike how he treated others. Maybe it was my slightly better English, or my talkativeness that made him not want to mess so much with me. Or maybe it was my determination to learn. I used the course to brush up my brains. All the students there were among the Diploma and Degree holders, some of them took Accountancy to Business Study. I remember that I used the computer lab session to chat on IRC, just like some other friends, but he directly scolded them but just let me do my thing. I remember writing some wrong answers in the quizzes, but he simply put the correct mark, because if he didn’t, I had to do the correction and submit it back to him. I think that he didn’t want that to happen. He wanted to put my case to rest and let the rest do the correction. I even told my friends, Hey, I got this wrong but he still put correct!!! I had a full mark in every evaluation. I didn’t know why he did that, but just put it this way. I remember talking session with him and he said, "You are very qualified to get any job you want, especially teacher/lecturer. Use your skills and knowledge to help more students at school." After I had a session of heart to heart with my friends there, they shared their first impression about me. I remember one guy said that he was terrified on first day because "That girl is really smart." even during the ice-breaking session. *LOLS. I mean, after what happened to me, it helps when people say something good so you remember that you are NOT that unfortunate. 

God has taken something from me in a strange way, he sure has a strange way of giving it back to me too. Don’t agree? :) Surprisingly, the course helped me gain back my self-esteem. I was slowly becoming The Girl who I was once proud to be. I picked up the pieces from there, entertained less and less stupid thoughts and the next thing I know, I WANTED TO LIVE. The journey ahead of me was starting to look interesting again. Now the question is, how are you going to end your ordeal? A bad ending or a good ending like mine??

I did a lot of THINKING when I was alone. Let say, if that season never took place in my life, can I be in this position of writing this to all of you? Could I understand your pain? Could I even deserve to have my word? NO, right? I’ve been listening to people’s problems since schooldays. The pains of the people are increasing with age. I could not stay with the glory of my schooldays and expect to help people who are with increasing emotional troubles in their heart. There would be more cases of more mature things that people might share with me and of course, DEPRESSION itself. How could I even give view if I never been through it? If God pitied on me and cut my sorrow into half, would it be enough for me to understand the suffering? It was planned, since I was small, so that when I grew up I could face major setback and have a very challenging time with my senses.


There MUST BE a cause to your depression. Don’t come to me and tell me IT JUST HAPPENS. It could be that you feel upset, ashamed, rejected, lonely and insecure. Don’t hide behind “I’M HAPPY” cos when you are depressed, that means YOU ARE NOT HAPPY and something is bothering you. YOU MUST KNOW the cause of your depression to be able to tackle it from the root. I’m not a psychologist, but I just speak from a human to another human. Maybe you can understand my language better. Forget about all the terms. Go Soul-Searching and find out the things that are lacking in your life. There’s something TOXIC that is lurking there and will remain there until you do something. If you are in an environment that makes you feel like “a mouse”, FIX IT. If you can change to a new one, do it. Be The Lion. There’s NO need to give in to all the negative elements in your life that are sucking your energy away.

You want my suggestion?

A) Find a reliable person to talk. IT WORKS. You are never too strong or too smart of your own, no matter how much money you have. You need a person who can listen and share your burden.

B) FIND YOUR STRENGTHS. You will see the glass as half empty when it’s also half full. Choose to look at the handsome/pretty you instead of the short or the fat you. You need to collect all the elements that feed to your self esteem and build yourself back. Nothing can be a better back up than having your own pride. Remember that it’s all about your own perception, YOU ARE YOUR OWN WEAPON towards making your own life the way you want it to be.

C) HAVE FAITH. When you don’t have faith in A Greater Power, then the greatest power is YOU? That means you think that no one is going to help you when you are helpless. Faith is for you to have HOPE that there’s something more powerful than you are, and everything else on this earth. It’s so much easier to tackle things when you have faith. It doesn’t matter what religion, Believe that something up there is in control. You are never alone. Open your heart and you will see His help. TRUST ME.

D) CHANGE AIR. Do new things. Meet new people. You will find more possibilities in life and maybe get rid of the “bad energy” that will keep you stuck. You need to have strength for a big move and it will pay off well in the end. DO IT.

E) COUNT BLESSING. You forgot that you have people who love you. You forgot that you are good in a few things and you never tap on them. IT’S TIME to start acknowledging these elements of joy and lucky in your life. Remember all the compliments that you kept getting. You are WORTHY of so many other things than just to lock yourself up and feel miserable. Start it now. NOW!!

Depression is ALL ABOUT THE MIND and we are tested this way to make us stronger and to live life better in the future. The only thing you need to do is to Survive it. One day you’ll understand, God gives you such experience because He knows you can handle it, and you must live to be the living proof that Depression is not that scary. Now when you have survived it, an attempt to make you feel depressed again will be in vain. 

I am here, standing strong, smiling, and I’m a survivor of Depression. Hope you can say the same too, help your friends to get over theirs and give bad news to Depression. It will not take over us.

Surprisingly, I want to thank Depression for making me not only stronger, but smarter. Join The League, Guys! Good Luck!!! :)))

DePreSSioN: My Side Of Story - PART I

This Life is tricky. It’s not always a bed of roses. Sometimes it is in the form of the worst nightmare, but you notice that you ain’t dreaming. Familiar with that?

I realize that I have not really disclosed my real story of Depression to really be giving something for my readers to read and relate to their lives. Maybe it’s time to do so. I saw that a lot of people in my surroundings suffer from this. Oh man. Is it that hard? I look at you guys from where I stand, I could only say, “I’ve been there, done that.” But wait, was I really saying the truth or was I only pretending to understand when the fact is that I was totally clueless about what’s going on in your head?

If you think that I am a cheerful person, a positive person – some of you might think that “Ah, she’s just lucky. Life must never been harsh on her as much as it is on me.” WRONG. I even labeled my ordeal as “2 Years Of Bad Luck”. How long have you been having this tough situation in your life? One month? 2 months? 6 months? How hard is it so far? Suffocating enough? I had it for 2 FREAKING YEARS. So don’t think I don’t know what you guys are going through.

I summarize how it all started. I’ve been a bright kid at school. The best scorer for both Maths and English. I gained respect from teachers and friends despite not coming from a rich and influential family. My parents were always strict. They have high expectation on us and they did everything they could for our education. They were quite happy with our performance at primary school. My parents became the talkabout in the village, for having children who all excelled at school. The expectation was getting higher. Our every moves was judged by our relatives, and some unhappy people might even wait for our downfall. It wasn’t easy to keep “the throne”. For being the straight As achiever, I was offered a place in an elite school; a school for all the selected kids. I got culture shock because of the freedom not having to listen to my parents and did everything under their supervision. I realized that 13 years old was too young to handle my own life. Peer pressure, puppy love - distracted my attention away from books. I started to lose my invincibility. I was not unbeatable. I skipped reading, my mark dropped without pity. From the best Maths student in my class, I finally saw myself getting the lowest mark in my class. I was slowly losing my reputation. I was gradually seen as “average” and to some, I was one of the “nobodies” there. Life was tough throughout secondary school. Boy, it was tough.

I was given a new chance to turn a new leaf after secondary school. So when I finally entered university, I started off well. I vowed to set a good record and make up for my failures. It wasn’t easy at all. After I struggled with revisions, libraries and burning the midnite oil, NOTHING WORKED. I hardly achieved 2.5 for the first semester. It was nothing until I reached my second year, where I LOST INTEREST in my course. It was the most challenging thing for me because I found a new passion which I grew very much to like and I spent so much time doing self-learning the new skill. I started to lose the relevance of doing my course but I thought it was too late to pull back so I continued. I paid a hell of a price for my newly founded passion. I started to fail my papers. It was still under control when I got short semester to retake the exam. Unfortunately, it was so unlucky for me when my class lecturer, a prof, did not mention to me that I need to retake 2 papers instead of 1. So I thought I was going to graduate on the same year until I found out about the other paper that I should retake. It was a shock to me when A silly mistake from our prof cost me my timely graduation. I WAS SO MAD at my prof that time. I wrote him an e-mail of disappointment, thinking that he would do something to make up for it. It was an embarrassment to my whole education life to end up like that. From a bright student, to a failure, and when I was trying to get up, I kept slipping. It was BAD. It was soo BAD. And because of someone’s mistake, I delayed my graduation. IT WAS UNTHINKABLE. My life was so screwed up when I had to take a long semester to redo my 1 paper and I paid for the fee as if I HAD TO BEG to get a certificate. I felt like I was a reject student who paid under the table to graduate. IMAGINE. IMAGINE what this did to my self esteem. I thought I LOST EVERYTHING I HAD.

What do you think my parents would say? I got the “hardest slap” from them, actually. Not only that I have disappointed them, I crushed the pieces of hope left they had of me. I was already moving home when I was doing my extra semester. IT WAS HELL. I LOST direction. I thought of giving up. The pressure was too much for me. I heard my parents talked every morning, like it was the loudest voice in my ears. I was used to living away from them and followed my own mind so I again faced difficulties trying to readjust myself to listen to my parents once again. My stressful mind was so bad that I refused to pick up the phone. I closed all contacts from THE WORLD. I was having grudges to EVERYONE in my life that time. I could not tolerate or cope with anyone anymore. I LOST IT. I TOTALLY LOST IT. When you saw me that time, I bet you won’t recognize me because I was not myself. I TRIED to FIGHT. I used my “rebellious half” to do the fighting. I wanted to go out from home and apply to stay at the hostel but my parents didn’t let me. I was stuck at home where I thought was almost A HELL for me that time. I tried to apply for partime work so I could escape from that cage but AGAIN, NOTHING WORKED. None of my applications were answered. NOTHING AT ALL. My Prof was making my life harder too because he kept bringing up about my mistakes and made me feel like a joke everytime I had to meet him. Imagine that. Every hour was lived with vengeance in my heart. I thought I HATED EVERYONE. If my parents spoke any word that I didn’t like, I just fired back using the harsh language. No more the soft and cheerful me. It was as pathetic as can be.

I have stopped praying. I even blamed God. I thought that He had something to do with my miserable life. I WAS SO MAD AT GOD. Whenever I could not hold it anymore, I just spoke to God out loud WHY He let it all happen to me. I felt like tearing “A Letter To God” that I have written in my first year in university, because it didn’t matter what I wrote there. I felt like He gave me back all my Thank You in the form of bad luck!! I had nothing left. I stopped going to church and my faith had disappeared. I couldn’t believe that with the existence of GOD and what people claimed Him to be, my days were only getting worse. I remember crying so hard and asked God, Whyyyyy, whyyy did you do this to me????

You know what was in my mind that time? I felt like RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME. My deepest thought screamed that I wanted to go out the house, I wanted to vanish so people would start to appreciate me instead of making me feel like a rubbish. What was it that stopped me? Since I did not have enough courage to run away, then it led me to this. SUICIDAL thoughts. That time, I didn’t know that I was having DEPRESSION. I didn’t know what to call it. What I knew was, everytime I wrote something (as you know, I’ve always been writing my mind out) , it was ALWAYS about committing suicide. I wrote a fiction story, and it was how a girl committed suicide and how the rest in her life grieving for her lost. I didn’t realize I was doing this. It was always about SUIC IDAL. Of course I thought of how to end my life in the most tragic way, without having to suffer or bleed. I even thought of where to get certain poison that could make myself get killed instantly. I thought of cutting my wrist, hell, I thought of everything I could think of. I MUST BE CRAZY. Imagine that.

To Be Continued in Part II

Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Heartbreaker You Think You Are Not…

This post is about speaking from the side of the party who is seen as “ cruel” or heartless for hurting the other person when a relationship doesn't work. Have you ever been in this position? To those who say No... Are you SURE? Think back and think again. When you are busy blaming someone whom you know breaking the heart of some other people you know, you don’t realize that actually, you have been doing the same thing and who knows how many people have cursed you behind your back for what you did. Just that, you were never aware that something like that happened. WHAT IF, you have been labeled as “The Heartbreaker” by a lot of people and you are the last to know?

How many hearts you broke so far? Just when you thought you have been compassionate enough towards other people, let alone the people who have affections for you, you have been breaking their hearts, you made some people cry because of your decisions and you keep moving on with your life without knowing the damage that you have done and what kind of scar you left in some people’s heart. It knocked me on the head when I tried to think about my own deeds. I could not believe that actually I’ve been hurting people. How many times that I’ve been selfish enough to not see my own fault because I was busy blaming the other person when something didn’t work out. The scariest part is to finally see that you were the reason that most of your past relationship didn’t work. Not your partner. Darn…tell me that it won’t feel this bad.

I remember it now that I have been in a relationship without feeling “it”, thinking that I was only doing him a favour by staying; thinking that I was doing a good thing. In the end, I left him without words when I found someone else who I thought I was more connected to and made me feel happier. I always thought it was destiny that caused me to do what I did and that I should be helpless. I forgot to give enough thought to the guy that I hurt thinking that It Was Not My Fault anyway. I just couldn’t force myself anymore. That was what I thought. When I found him back years after, he told me he suffered so much, he quit his job and stayed at home crying, fixing his heart and how he burnt all my pictures and gifts. I was like, “Oh man… that bad?” For other people who know him, I was surely labeled as The Heartbreaker who toyed with the guy’s feeling. They have a point to call me that, but darn, how come I wasn’t aware how much damage I’ve done.

What about all the other short flings that I had, when I ended up blaming theguy for being coward and a loser for not trying hard enough. Come to think about it, I could be the one to blame. I hardly show any reactions that he wanted to see or say the word he wanted to hear. I gave him no security at all. I was there in his life – just to fill some space. I thought I was doing good enough by doing that. I thought he should be thankful that I wanted to be in his life, but I just realized that what I did was selfish because I only thought of myself and I never really thought about him. He might feel like a puppet, who could be left by me anytime I want because I never showed him COMMITMENT that I would want to stay in his life for a long time. It felt like a slap around the face when I remember that this scenario has happened to me for a few times and I never woke up. I forgot how many times I refused to talk about more serious stuff – while the guy never stopped trying to make me understand that he wanted my commitment and no matter how good I was, it was still the girl that loves him that he would rather stay with. “What’s the point of dating 256 when she doesn’t love me back, and she never gives her commitment of staying in my life, and hell, she doesn’t even care to tell others that I am suppose to be the most special guy in her life?” - -- Could that be what the guys were thinking that time? So when things didn’t work out, I have my own twist of story so make me look innocent and it was all the guy’s fault. Now I know…Now I know.

How could I forget the cruelest thing that I did to this one ex of mine. This made the rest of them look less serious and minor. I remember how good he was to me. He did everything for me and he did nothing lack in anything that a girl would ask for. He thought that he had done enough. Although to me he was the first guy that I’ve really loved , Still, he was the only one who was working in the relationship. I failed to tell him that I was still not ready to get tied and I made him wait for a long time thinking that I could be ready soon. If only I was a little thoughtful, I should let him go earlier and not giving him false hope. He wasted his time for me just to find out I was still not ready and I never felt guilty because I thought I’ve tried hard enough but still failed. I have seriously hurt him…Oh God, now I realize it even more. 

Suddenly I look in the mirror and saw a person who has broken many hearts. Given them hopes I could not fulfill, leaving my footprints just to drop by and never meant to stay. How could I be more heartless than that. After so many years, I didn’t know that I’ve been The Heartbreaker, for whatever reasons that I have. The feeling of remorse is in my heart but saying sorry to them is not enough. I have to clean my act and start improving. I must stop blaming and do my part instead. I hope if I have fixed my mistake in this, although they are not the one to gain anything; I hope I really proved that I might hurt them but it was not my intention and I hope they find a way to forgive me.

Guys and Girls…How about you? :) When your relationship is always in trouble and you keep breaking up, that is a sign that It Could be You who are with problems. Whether it’s in your attitude, in your ego and how you handle things, or just simply because you don’t get it to the point of the relationship. Yet, still the scariest part is you are the cause of all your breakups. I write this post, calling myself the heartbreaker, because I’m bold enough to admit my mistake. Only by doing that, that I can improve. I’m going to be a better person now, I Promise. :)

To All HeartBreakers Out there...It's Time to Clean your act. Love for the right reason, vow to never break another heart again.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

[256] The Chatter: Who Is She?

I know that after a few years being in IRC, people are still curious about me. In the case where I was very new in the channel and already I was given advantage or priority to be in the operator list, it made most of them even more curious about me. At the same time, I am an  active chatter. Unless it's worktime, I don't just be there to watch people chat. I come to IRC to chat and share some good laughs, info, knowledge and experiences. 

Although I have chatted so much, I have written so much in blog and in Fb, still...people who I think are close to me as online friends, also feel they still very curious about me. Hahahaha. So, what can I expect from the newer friends? Of course I've done a lot of explaining on WHY I pick this number to be my nick, and it's funny that since 2008 that I've been here, I thought people would stop asking. They don't. The new ones keep asking like the early days I  came to IRC. I made a joke that I wish I could have an answering machine to play everytime I got asked that question again! Hahaha. No, I'm not going to do explaining here AGAIN! OMG, don't tell me you still don't know?! :PP

You guys have been chatting with me. Some of you might think I know too much about many things and always have opinions on different matters. They also said something about my type of English who is not quite like the common Manglish they often use. Sometimes I even got people questioning my nationality since I was not familiar with some Malay words they use in the channel. Hahaha. So there goes the question, 256, Are you even Malaysian? *LOLS!! Some of you even ask my age because of my Maturity and knowledge – but then they get a little confused when I can be very childish and irritating. Hahahahaa. Ok, so? Who the heck I am? *LOLS

I first came to IRC earlier than 2008, before I retired for years. I joined chatroom when I was still at school. I chatted with many group of ages, from those around my age, up to many years older, even a 40 years old who constantly pm me for a chat. I remember those people told me that I was a good chatter and I was very smart that was why they like chatting with me. I said that nothing to brag about because I know who I am. I am not that good but I appreciate people’s opinions. So logically speaking, if I got comments like that way before, how do you expect me to be when I come back? Of course I should be better now I am more matured to handle my emotion when people pull my legs in chatrooms, I was not anymore overemotional or easily intimidated. Yes, maybe I am maturing through all the years. We all are. Plus, if you are curious why sometimes I have info on topics like Gays – how they have 2 types, whether you are the top guy or the bottom guy…then they were like, Gosh, 256, I didn’t know you know all that? So? What do you think? That I have become a Gay once in my life to know all that?? Hahahahahahaha. 

Let me tell you this…

[256] is an entity who likes to read, and she was once spent a lot of time watching and listenening to talkshows and interviews. She reads a lot of magazines and Q & A columns on social problems,  motivational books and for someone like her who likes to think and ask a lot of questions – she even calls herself the hyperthinker (as she is also hyper in writing and talking!), so what do you expect? That entity is me!! Hahahaha.

Let’s put it this way. Who I am in chatroom is THE BEST way for you to get impressed by me and my skills because I have writing talent, and this is nothing to brag about, I learnt about it after I have many people telling me so. I thank God for every gift but the point is. [256] in the chatroom is the best version of me because you can make friends with me without having to stand my talkativeness which can be annoying and non stop, and what you can share with me is only the things that I able to express thru writing, and most of them are positive things. You don’t have to see how easily I got annoyed or other things; Just me and my fingers at work. 

I can relate to many life topics is because I’ve been this part time “counselor” or stress therapist to those who come to me. I’ve been doing this since schooldays. People just find it comfortable talking with me and spill out their troubles. I'm always a good listener, and although being a fragile person is a curse, it helps me when it comes to this part. I easily feel for other people and so with their experiences plus with my own, I can usually give my views on people's situation.  So when I share my views in the chatroom, you know it's something routine to me. I've been asked about this a few times, Are you a Psychologist? (Counselor). The answer is, NO. This is not my official job. I don't try to chat like I know everything or pretend to sound like I have ideas on everything. It's not true. What I share and what advice I give comes from the indirect counseling experiences that I do very often. I have accepted this "task" that I considered "my purpose of creation" because I believe that God gives me some capabilities to carry out some duties that can benefit others. I am just one who realizes that I shouldn't waste all my gifts. I never ask people to come to me but they just come. Whether they are my customers, or strangers that I meet for the first time, friends and even relatives - some of them find in me the person they can rely on sharing their mind burdens and even secrets. If you ask me what I feel towards this...Sometimes it's bothersome to my time because I have my work to attend. Sometimes I made a sacrifice  just to hear a new customer spoke about her sadness on her love life. Everytime I do it, I sincerely want to listen. I want to know what's bothering the person, who knows I could help. It's from experiences that I tackle issues faster and give better opinions. So don't think that I have reached a certain level better to be doing this. Just my humble self who has been Learning life the hard ways. My achievements in this are; getting them going back to me and said, "Thanks for your advice, 256. It works."(I have written in a post before that  through counseling, I have saved my uncle's wife from trying to commit suicide while they were having a big trouble in their marriage :) )

So I hope you know who is [256] The Chatter is. I am just one person who appreciate Life and who is trying to give my very best because I want to give LIFE all the reasons why it should give me all the good things in return. That's how I make use of my positivity. How I chat reflects my intention going to the chatrooms. I don't find enemies, I don't make enemies and I won't associate with those who have the wrong intentions because Life outside there is HARD ENOUGH, chatroom should be a peaceful place to take a break and have a laughing good time.

Those who don't like my ways, I'm sure you guys have done what's necessary to never make contact with me. We are grown up people. This is a free world. *giggles. As for those who like my way and how I  chat, Please take only the good things.THANKS for being my chatroom friends. You guys are superb :))

NOTE: I will post my voice soon so if you find it hard to visualize my humanness, I hope it would help a bit. Coming soon...:))


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