Orang cakap semakin meningkat usia, kita makin matang dan makin bijak dalam apa juga tindakan kita. But I wonder, does it mean yang kita akan totally change? Will we ever change and be a different person completely from 5 years ago?
Entering the first day of 2023 today, while at the church, I did a lot of thinking before the mass started. I still have things unsettled brought from 2022. The situation that involved friendship, that made me look so immature and problematic. Suddenly I stopped talking and never answered back all the messages. This friend who I trusted, who I thought understands me the most, did something not in my favour. And she should know it but what she also has reason behind what she did.
Terfikir juga, adaka kita semakin menDIVA dengan usia kita. Kita rasa makin entitled and semua benda kita mau ikut apa yg kita mau. If I say Yes to that, that's not true juga. Okay, lets make this clear. Back in school, I had no choice. Sepa yg jadi my classmate, sepa yg jadi my dormates, I relied on my luck so I could avoid some names that I disliked. But I remember, luck was not always on my side. In fact, the top name that I disliked the most, became one of my dormates. As much as I hated it, I lived with it and all its consequences. Being many years younger back then, I might have better tolerance. But even that, I ended up arguing with the toxic person because I ran out of patience because she embarrassed me during English class. So remember that I always have this limit.
So selepas bertahun2 lepas school, I have more choices now. No more that I have to follow rules orang lain. Tapi that freedom bukan free. Besar harga dia. Tapi I chose it because I decided that I WANT PEACE in my life. If I don't like it, I will not do it. SIMPLE. Dan tiada sepa yang buli simply order sia do otherwise, unless I volunteer to do it. Maybe because of that, apa yang berlaku ni violated my freedom, and the person who did this is my closest friend. She always believe that we have grown up and should be wise enough to evaluate situations. She has always tolerated with this one toxic friend of ours, and in the name of maturity, she does that because that friend needs extra attention because of her toxic nature and we should be extra patient with her. I have tried my best and she got on my nerve quite a few times. So after many years not being in contact with her, it was this closest friend's effort who brought us all together in a group. Now in the name of friendship, she puts us in the same chat group where we got to see her toxicity everyday. And she left the group twice also out of her toxicity and my friend just couldn't wait to add her back. Despite knowing the issue that I and my other friends have with her, she just doesn't care about the rest of us. What's more important to her is she couldn't leave that friend alone because the history that they both shared. Now she's dragging everyone else so that friend has more company and feel accepted. Do you see how she violated us? That she never asks if it's okay with us. She just assumes we could cope - again because of the theory of maturity that she keeps saying.
So right now, I enter into my silent mode. Maybe she got it that I disliked what she did but she still couldn't help it and hope that I could just cope and be okay again. You know what I hate? I hate it even more when someone uses our close friendship to put me in this awkward situation. That I will just accept and understand. Am I a Diva when I feel so wronged? But no, I can't just walk in and put on a I'm Okay mask. I'm not a good actor. I can't be like them, they badmouth her behind her back and in front of her, they use angelic words to make her feel better. I CAN'T. THAT'S NOT ME.
So I tried to talk myself down - 256, can you just forgive? But this is not about forgiveness. This is about going on with life, forcing things that I can choose not to. She can still have her way without me. I accept that the toxic trait is just part of her and I don't expect her to change. Just like all the people who don't like me, they can go ahead without me. Why now when I have to do it, I feel like I'm being accused a Diva? Maybe back then they laughed when I said I rejected certain customers, because to them that means I rejected Money, but like I said, I value my peace more than anything. If customers are problematic, I rather concentrate on those who know the value of my work. I have my reasons.
Susah2 sia pilih ni jalan hidup, ni kelebihan yang sia ada. Some people cannot do it biarpun dorg hidup senang cos they need to accept orders org atasan. Tapi memang berbaloi sebab hidup dorg senang. My life is not sesenang dorg tapi kelebihan yang sia ada ni, when someone tries to take it from me, I have to enter defense mode. I deserve to react. I paid for that freedom dengan semua kesulitan yang sia ada sekarang. Bukan percuma ya.
After all said and done, bulikah sia serahkan ja sama yang yg di atas untuk guide sia? O God, rendahkanlah ego sia kalau inilah yang memblock banyak blessings. Sia sanggup untuk kebaikan. And God, 2023 ni, I may start it with a moderate mindset but it doesn't mean I don't want to achieve greater things. May God give ways for good things to happen in my life. And of course most important is for my loved ones to always be under Your protection. I'm still amazed by how God have made things possible in 2022. May this faith just grow bigger. Alleluia! Thank you God. Amenn!
