Monday, September 3, 2018

My Dear Ex...

Many years have left, I have nothing but dumped memories about this guy. To recall back, I deserved all the heartbreak. Only a week ago, I thought of going back to some of the files I saved in my cd. It has many memories of him that I have made peace with. Guess what, then I remember what a great guy he was to me. I remember quoting being treated like a princess by him. Suddenly I decided he was still the best guy among them. It took me days to reminisce the happy things and maybe try to recall if I were really that stupid to let a guy like him go. Wow, really. I was drowned in good thoughts of him. What a really really awesome guy he was to compare to some of the guys after him. And guys like him was definitely near extinction. 

Then only after the few days, I remember the bad things. His bad temper. His smoking habit. His bad money management. Then I remember I had my reasons why I said I was not prepared for the next level. And those flowery thoughts of him suddenly start to fade now. Fade and tasteless. But I'm glad I had the few days of awesome thoughts of him cos it doesn't last that long. I'm glad that I have that tribute for him. For once I thought the feeling gonna stay, but hell no. It's disappearing like the morning fog.

I even dreamt of him last nite. I dreamt that he and I are in touch once again. We are in each other's desk, and we type something in our pc like we are writing for each other. I said to myself, oh, now I'm a grown up woman, there's no harm in this friendship. Then I woke up shaking my head. It was after the dream that I felt that I had enough for this guy's memories. I'm sure I'm still a painful memory to him too. I'm not sure if he has forgiven me but I hope he has.

My point is, revisiting memories is not bad at all. But they gonna last really short so just take what's good while you are at it. My dear ex, thanks for "visiting". May God bless you always.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

If We Live Longer...

I remember this friend. Many years ago, back in Uni, we were next-door neighbours, But our rooms were only separated by a wall. So I could know if she was in her room or not. And that time, she was dating this one guy who kept her time occupied. We were not really in good terms back then because of our different social values, different lifestyle, so she wasn't my favourite friend, but strange enough, there were times when I felt so lonely when I knew she wasn't in her room. I could see from my window if her room was dark, I knew she must be somewhere with the guy. I dislike the idea that her room was empty.  I remember the feeling. Though I was not consumed by that loneliness, but still there was a little sadness. But isn't life like that? Eventually we would all be separated to lead our own lives, and speaking of a friend who I don't like, it must not be hard to never see her again after we graduated. That's what in our simple thought, but not exactly.

As I examine my life now, after so many years leaving Uni days, today, that friend is still around. In fact she is the one who needs my attention that sometimes I ignore her because I am too busy with my other work. Then she has no choice but to come to me because I am the only one who could do it for her. Of course, at the present, things are going well in our lives respectively, but it does go a long way how we are still being around each other, needing each other despite our differences. When she looked like she is the one who needs my presence, I could not help but smile, and thought if she had any idea she did make me feel lonely when she was not in her room when we were neighbours back in Uni days. And it is as if she reacts to me that "I am here and you will see my face often, now you can't say you are lonely anymore". Hahahaa. Funny silly, but that's life. I'm still glad we all live this far to experience all this.

If we live longer enough, we will get to see more hatred turns into love. Revenge into forgiveness. Rejection into acceptance. Heartache and failure are the biggest contributors to our wisdom, and our stupid decisions are what make us experienced. For now, it's pointless to think when will our journey ends, because one day we could reach 70 and realize we waste so much time thinking we may not make it to 50. It's not our Job. Our job is TO LIVE WELL while we still alive. Lets do that :)

Saturday, December 16, 2017

If You Can't Find It In Your Heart...

Counting days to Christmas, I am not as excited that I ever was because I'm putting my mind on some "Reality issues" that have happened this year. How my cousin got "paranormal" experience on Good Friday, how she suddenly spoke like she was possessed by the Holy Spirit, asking her father (my youngest uncle) to "come back to Him" which we thought it meant "to repent". Then a few months after that, that uncle of mine was called to eternal rest without a warning. He died in sleep at the age of 46. We act like we have moved on, no we have not. And then another uncle and another, have different health issue like a curse. That's how affected they are by the loss of the youngest brother. They wonder if they also "go" without seeing the next sunshine. Sometimes I wonder maybe all my tears that I don't cry, they have to express in a different way.

I think this Christmas has to be the time when we become alive again, not just literally, but means to really really be alive again in every possible meaning. We can't continue wasting it. We can't continue planting hatred and watering grudge. It's unfair to those who go untimely, they would do anything to still be alive another day, and yet here we are still "not" be exactly alive. Sometimes it's devastating to think that Why do we come to life to feel all this love and magnificent experience on earth and after all that, we have no choice but - to die. It's so devastating that our loved ones have to face it too. The thought is so hurtful.

And yet here I am still not being my best. Still saving it for tomorrow to become better. I am still not good for everything that I have conscience for, and everything that I'm actually capable of. These thoughts are too heavy that this Christmas has to be about recollecting. If I haven't started it already, now I have to. Darn it, stop saving the best for later. The best is for today. The best is for now. I hate having awesome celebrations just to walk the same person into the new year and giving myself all the false hopes again. When the fact is that I just want to remain the same.

I want to give and love more than I ever did. Like seriously. I don't want to regret any second. I don't believe that God gives us all this wisdom just so we could just ask Him for anything we want. I don't believe this is all we can do. We can do more than this. We can love more. We can achieve more. We certainly can be more alive than this.

So that's Christmas 2017 for me. A Christmas of recollection. I am big enough to figure out and I will not waste an inch of this conscience to bring to 2018. I am officially over my immature years, I must start to act likewise. So that's Christmas for me this time. And that's the kind of meaning that Christmas will have in my heart. It's not about the material anymore. If there's something I could offer is just how I love them deeply and sincerely.

As the saying goes, if you can't find Christmas in your heart, you won't find it under the tree.

Monday, August 7, 2017

My Stress Pair - A Pepsi & Nips

Just about a week ago, I faced a difficult situation. A sudden shock of challenge that came without warning. It got me really really down instantly. I realize that the reason I was like that is because I've been too comfortable for way too long. If I start looking for Pepsi and Nips Peanut, you know that I am struggling emotionally. These two are my Stress Pair.

I remember I could not see Nips Peanut around. It was out of stock. I searched in 3 different shops, NONE. I had to buy a different package, the one that has 16 smaller packs inside it but it's fine as long as it's Nips Peanut. I had to console myself. A mixture of embarrassment, pity, challenged, threatened - roll all into one. I must say it's been a while since I had a Pepsi and a Nips Peanut cos I always have my emotion under control. But this one, I was a bit beaten up.I swore to myself that I was gonna regain my sanity just after I had my Pepsi and Nips Peanut but first I must have them. They helped me to cool down. Imagine that I left only a few small packs of that Nips. I ate them like a monster. I was deeply deeply sunk in my cortisol.

The next day I woke up better. And then the next day. And a week went by. Finally, Today comes. I finally SAW the whole picture of my stress episode. The thing that triggered my stress level a week ago, IS OFFICIALLY NEUTRALIZED today. Only a week ago I was totally defeated and today I'm back on the battle ground. Looks like my threats are not BAD AT ALL. The new competitor turns into my biggest comfort of help, and as friendly as possible. I was totally wrong. My stress came from easy conclusion. Should I wait a little longer, I could have avoided from shooting sugar intake from the Pepsi & Nips. But still, some things are meant to be. I had to go through that difficult hour of becoming my own biggest enemy to see things clearer. One that thing I'm glad anyway, as bad as I described it, I only had a Pepsi & Nips and not anything more extreme, more foolish, more childish than that. Hehe

Monday, February 27, 2017

"Cuma Kawan Tunggu Bas Ja Pun"






Hi peeps! Since my title is in Malay, maybe I should blog in Manglish. Why Not!

Actually this phrase came out today, time sedang kongsi some pandangan sama my friend who is so brokenhearted sebab kena ignore oleh her whatsapp crush. Ironinya, the whatsapp guy is someone she never meets, and is NOT interested to meet or have any relationship with in reality. The reason is because my friend is MARRIED herself, but she plans to get a divorce soon and while she is still actively whatsapp-ing that guy every day and nite, in reality she is waiting for A REAL GUY who she can build a stable life with. However, this whatsapp guy is the only guy (apart from her own husband) whom she talks and shares her daily updates with. She says that he makes her happy whenever she's lonely. But she also admits that the guy is not her dream man material. He's jobless and lebih banyak habiskan masa in social media, making new friends, chat siang malam dengan banyak kawan online, sedangkan he should be building his life kan? So reason dia nyata dan jelas. Kalau this guy kena bungkus dalam kotak hadiah pun, dia tidak mau ambil tu hadiah. You get the situation?

So kejadian dia meroyan gara2 dia call dat guy and his phone engaged, dia suspect the guy bercakap sama perempuan lain. Then dia ring berpuluh-puluh kali sebagai tanda protest. The guy pula sengaja tidak sambut sebab tidak mau gaduh with her. Last2, the guy blocked her number supaya dia stop ringing. Now kawan sia ni pula yang dilanda kesedihan sebab dia rasa kehilangan. Kalau dia layan sedih sorang2 ndapa juga, ini dia keep bothering me to make her feel better. So that's why the phrase came out. Secara spontan.

I said, "Kenapa ba juga kau sampai macam ni sampai satu hari tidak dapat bikin kerja sebab terlampau sedih. Sepa juga tu lelaki sama kau? Prince Charming kau kah? Bukan kan? In fact, kau jadikan dia tempat untuk meluah dan bercerita, untuk bikin kau ketawa, untuk kasi teman kau time kau sunyi, SETAKAT ITU JA PUN". Umpamanya kau sedang duduk tunggu bas, dan dia ni happens to be the guy sitting beside you and kasi kawan kau tunggu bas. Adilkah kau suruh dia untuk jangan kasi tinggal kau sorang sedangkan kamu duduk di sana sebab tunggu bas masing2. It's like, dia tidak buli naik bas dia selagi bas kau belum datang. TIDAK SELFISH ka tu? Sebagai seorang kawan tunggu bas, kau expect hak ekslusif. Yang hanya kau yg dia buli pandang, dan hanya sama kau ja yang dia buli bercerita. Ngam ka gitu? In other words, KAU TIDAK BERHAK meminta semua itu daripada seorang Kawan Tunggu Bas kau. Jadi kau tidak berhak meroyan, mengamuk atau cemburu hanya sebab dia cakap dengan orang lain. Sedangkan kau pun ready mau babai dia ja bila bas kau datang. You get me?

Secara nda langsung, sia sendiri teringat kisah diri sia sendiri. I was worse than her. I got close to a guy, invested some of my time in him just for the fun of getting some attention, exchanging sweet words and stuff, just to realize that I didn't want more than that. Awal2 tu bukan sengaja. It's like I tried to see if I could find some potential in him and after a while, I found out he didn't have it, I continued just out of convenience but not planning to go to the next level; tanpa bagitau dia pun. Sia nda pun fikir yang dat guy pun ada impian dia sendiri. Dia pun mau ada pasangan yg dia mau. So apa yg sia bikin? Sia macam blocking that guy sebab I made him believe that I could be that girl for him. Sedangkan sia sudah tau He is just my Kawan Tunggu Bas, sementara "Bas" sia belum sampai. Sangat stupid dan selfish. And guess what, I did it berkali-kali to different guys. Biarpun I didn't cheat on them during "menunggu bas", but I already know I didn't want to go further with them. "Cukup setakat sampai bas sia sampai ja karang." Gila kan? Ladies, maybe kamurang pun bikin macam ni dalam tidak sedar. My advice is, JANGAN LAH. Kau akan dihantui oleh guilt yang cukup panjang. Cukup2 la membagi false hope dengan orang lain. Biarkan dorang naik bas yang dorang tunggu dan jangan tahan dorang kalau dorang tu cuma setakat kawan tunggu bas ja. Kadang2 kau mau rasa bikin silap ni sendiri baru kau tau. Then Be my guest! Guilt kau tu akan cukup untuk "cover" kau punya karma!

Kalau kawan tunggu bas, buat la macam cara kawan tunggu bas. Sepa bas dia duluan datang, wish dia farewell dengan baik2 saja :) Lepaskanlah kawan tunggu bas kamu untuk pergi ke destinasi yang dia tuju, sebagaimana kau sendiri dengan senang hati mau naik bas kau untuk ke destinasi yang kau tuju...Adil kan:))

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Red Carpet for February!

I'm so excited because this is only the first 1st of Month after the New Year. On the last 1st January, I was considered unprepared to really welcome the new air. I'm glad that I did so much stuff to finally feel like it's really New Year this time. Maybe I prefer to follow the Chinese calendar this year cos it feels perfectly awesome after all the changes take place. My personal spaces at home and office, are looking new and I've done quite noticeable changes. Why Not, right? I believe that we can boost our progress twice faster. I feel good about 2017 and I'm gonna Give My Best. Let's do it!

Friday, January 27, 2017

WHAT I WISH WOULD GO AWAY...

F E A R

The older I get, the more fears I have. I'm tired of it and I wish that all my fears could just disappear. NOW. 

Thursday, January 12, 2017

The Butterfly Visit

Hi guys. Second post in 2017. 

I've done office makeover for so so many times. I can choose not to, but this year is just too special, I want to do something extra to welcome all the good lucks. Sounds superstitious, right? Hahaha. No, not really. Everything good comes from God, This is how I prepare. 

I have a visitor while the office makeover is still ongoing. A Butterfly. It's so rare to see a butterfly in that area. Of course from the old folks tale, seeing a butterfly visiting your place represents someone that will come to your life. It's often related to relationship. I actually saw the butterfly and took picture of it first and forgot about it, until when my 2 friends were around and they saw the butterfly again. One of them actually noticed the colour of the  butterfly and said, Look!The Butterfly is in your favourite colours! I saw some distinct black and yellow colour. But the excitement in my two friends distracted me. The funniest thing is when they say, Hey Butterfly, Ask your friend to come to my place too! I also want to get married lah! I burst out laughing. Like they are so sure the butterfly visit means that a life partner will come soon. LOLS, If only it's that simple, right? I mean, there's a half joke half truth. Nobody wants to believe in superstitions but once in the bluemoon, you just play along with it hoping that Who Knows, it might just get real this time. Still, who actually rely on superstition at this mature age? To me, it's still a delight to receive the butterfly visit during the office makeover. It adds more emotion to the -getting-a-new-air behind all the rearrangement. 

I feel good that I use my free time to make changes. My old ways won't get me anywhere. I need to work harder. To put plans into actions. I can't let all my creative ideas gone unattended. 2017, I have a big mission and I will do my best. I repeat my most popular thought.

I'm not meant to get things easily. I'm meant to earn and achieve my missions and goals through lessons, failures, bad decisions, bad mistakes - which I have accumulated a lot already. I'm here today because I survive them all. I believe that God is preparing me for bigger things. There is a reason why I have to go through all this, Most importantly, when the blessing comes, I want to be there to receive it. 

Thank you Lord for your guidance. Lets do this, guys!

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Welcome, 2017!!




Happy New Year, guys!! Who among you feel that this is gonna be an awesome year? Come on! Not the cliche faking your positivity, Haha...But seriously, do you feel that there's something about 2017 that is so special. Guess what. I feel it! Other than the fact that 7 is my favourite single number, I just have a hunch that we gonna click and have good times together! Of course, this could just be my wishful thinking but I still gonna go ahead with my days, right. So Why Not? Why not go for it with a lot of good faith!

Guys, I'm here writing this without any expectation. I don't even expect to still have my readers around. I just want to continue writing because once a while when I get to visit this blog and read back my previous posts, I'm so delighted that I wrote all those. I have forgotten most of the feelings. What's left with me if I forget everything? At least I have some records of how I feel at the current situation. So thank God, 2017 feels easy for me to start writing again. I just want to get in touch back with some of the elements in my life, that is WRITING. Hope we gonna see each other more often this year. If you are reading this, Thank you! God bless all of you! Lets do it!

Monday, May 16, 2016

A Phone With A Warrior Spirit

 

 
As far a remember, my phone is one durable one that endured all the smashing, throwing and not to mentioned, being charged a few times a day. I could feel its suffering. Many times I thought I wanted to give it up and look for something better, but it's still here with me and I know that it gives me everything I need in a phone. Good camera, good sound, never jam, not even once! I still thought a slightly bigger phone with higher battery capacity would be ideal for my need.

This morning, I woke up with my phone dead. I got really panicked. It never happened in more than 2 years. I tried to restart it, and it continuously stuck at the start-up. I thought, maybe finally it has given up. So I brought the phone to work - with the thought of a replacement soon. But at the same time, I tried whatever to make it alive. (Like a CPR version of phone lah). I was prepared to lose it. Then...one thing after another, I could feel that the phone was responding to my attempt to fix it. I could feel that when it was dying, but my attempt to turn it on; removed the battery, removed the sim, everything, and it's like it could feel that I still want it be there. I almost lost hope when I saw that during start up, the colours went haywire, something like what we see when our pc is about to break down. All the apps were not responding. I know that after all the rough handling, it must be having some hardware problem. It did has IC network problem from time to time but it was still under control.

I forgot what I did, but suddenly phone "woke up" from its sickness. It allowed me to reset it, it allowed me to download back all my fav aps, it allowed me to groom it with nice theme and then when I check other things, suddenly everything is working again. In fact, the signal reception that used to be a bit poor (because of the IC thing) suddenly is back to full efficiency. I don't know how long this is going to last but for now, I am appreciating the sight of it, looking like it's brand new. No kidding, guys. Not being a technician makes this experience a quite emotional one. Hahaha. It's not advisable that you get too sentimental with your phone, but if you have a phone that endured all the hardship with you, and for you, I'm sure you will somehow understand that sometimes "a thing" does have affection too.

My phone, thank you for coming back. Without letting me waste money on you, you come back to life. I can feel "a warrior spirit" that my phone has. For this, you will not change hand and you will be with me until it's really time for you to say goodbye. Thank you again for giving me another happy day...:)))

Hitleap

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