I Tried Not To Cry

I bet she's the person my dad loves above everyone else in his life. I remember when I was small, I was the daddy's girl. I followed my dad wherever he goes. Even when I was so young, she was always my dad's priority. I remember my dad took me to kampung frequent enough. It was always me whose hand my dad held as she saw us walking towards the house. The little girl who knew nothing much about life, and yet she could innocently follow her dad without complaining. Maybe that's the reason why I was ONCE her favourite grandchild. I remember, during my time of being "the favourite grandchild", I mingled a lot with my first cousins who live not far from her. Yes, she's my beloved Moing; my dad's mom. It was from the season of being her favourite grandchild that I almost drown in the river because of one of my cousins. I have loadsa memories with those 2 cousins in my season of being my Moing's favourite grandchild. The elder sister was my goodfriend, and the other one was my enemy (and I decided so even before she almost made me drown) and don't forget, I had my revenge by pushing her off the ladders. Yeah, those were the old days when we were too young to even spell our name properly.

Today, I found myself sitting at the church. In the same row were again, the 2 cousins who were very close to me during my childhood. Years ago, I could not imagine in what situation that I could just sit beside them that close again after many years of minding our own business. Finally, the good sister was sitting exactly beside me, and the "bad" sister was just one person away from me. We were finally sitting together again. And where was my Moing? She was inside the casket, lifeless. Why could it be so bitter to be sitting together once again with my close cousins during the funeral of our beloved Moing?

2 days ago, I received a call from my mom. I could not guess what time it was. It was still quite dark. My mom said, "She's left." Then I went, "Ohh…When?" Then my mom answered, "About 4 AM". Then I looked at the clock at the top of my monitor, it was Almost 4 o'clock. Then I went, "Oh, you mean, just NOW?" Then I was shocked that my mom told me it was already 6.30 AM. Then I went, "What?" Nevermind about the clock. The battery could be dead. But…I paused and left my mind blank – Did I just lose my Moing?

I could not describe any emotion. The fact that her demise was not that shocking because she had put her children in "alert" mode for many years she had been sick. The day before that, my dad received a text message from my aunt about my Moing's critical condition. We are talking about my dad here, people. Do you remember when I tell you that my Moing is the person he loves above everyone else? Yes, we all should love our mother above everyone else, but not all could do that. But my dad could. He never failed to show his love for her even through my little girl's eyes.

I'm now a grown-up. My dad is even more a matured man. Everyone else is in the right maturity to see that Death is something that each of us must go through. Looking at my Moing during her final years, she was already very old. She didn't suffer from any chronic disease. She only had problems with her bones and fractures because she worked so hard for her kids since she was young. I tell you that my Moing was one very hardworking lady. It was very rare to see her sitting there doing nothing. She wasn't like some ladies who gossip and groom all they want. I just realized that I never have memories about my Moing being the typical lady. Unlike my other grandma (my Mom's mom; who left us last year) who had many fun and cute things to remember especially her laughter when she saw us dancing Poco-poco. But none of that fun memories involving my Moing. She must have worked all her life for her kids. Life was tough for them and no one knows better than my dad for being the first kid. So I will not sulk if my dad loves my Moing more than he loves me. I still remember when my Moing came to visit our house, I was looking for my little pillow pet and I found out my dad gave it to my Moing to use because he said the pillow was soft. I pouted and sulked because I was the kid and I should be given the advantage to have my OWN pillow. Who would have guessed that "the pillow moment" ensures me even more that my dad loves his mom so much. I remember that my dad silently took the pillow away and replaced it with another pillow without telling my Moing, afraid that she would think differently. My dad could not help but took the pillow because I was pulling a long face.

3 years ago, I was asked to bake my Moing's 80th birthday cake, and I did. I was mumbling at first because I thought that everyone wanted to save money from buying a big cake so they asked me to do it. Everyone thought it was too petty to spend big money on. Whatever it was, I was grateful that they gave me the chance to do something. Because without the cake, I might have done NOTHING for my Moing after leaving "the favourite grandchild season" for so many years. I forgot to tell you guys that when I left home to pursue my studies, I have become an estranged grandchild whose face she never saw for many years. I knew that my Moing must have reserved the spot "favourite grandchild" for me for many years but I never showed up. I understand if she has to replace it with any of the grandchildren who are around all the time. I knew my Moing was upset with "that little girl" who always pulled long face for the smallest reason. She was upset that she thought I have forgotten her. I could not give excuses for my deeds, but I was never proud of it. Although I knew that my dad loves her so much, he would do anything he could to take care of her. I thought that I was just a little hand that could do nothing much. Last year, I remember visiting her at the hospital bed. My auntie asked her, "Do you still remember her? *Pointing at me" And my Moing nodded. My auntie said, "Oh, dia masih ingat kau."

Earlier today was her funeral. I had not cried since the day I learnt about her demise. I went to see her lifeless body lying on the mattress, I almost couldn't recognize her. She looked so old. I tell myself that "It's timely for her to go. DON'T CRY." So I did not cry. Though I was worried that I break down in tears and embarrassed myself, I was even more worried with my dad. "Dad, YOU MUST BE STRONG for me. You're a big guy already so PLEASE DON'T CRY in front of me." I saw my dad was half-drunk. I know that it was the only way that he could pretend to be stronger. I needed his strength…cos I'm afraid I don't have it. Counting the hours to the day of funeral, I was collecting strength to NOT CRY during the final respect. No, I won't break down in tears again like I did during my other grandma's funeral last year.

Her death really portrays the process of a human lifespan who is not interfered by diseases of accidents. She was given healthy organs all her life. She survived her days until the last. She never gave up. I remember when her children were given false alarm when they thought she won't make it but it wasn't until a few more years before she finally laid to rest. I learnt something that we all wish for a long life. It's something that my Moing was blessed. But "long" doesn't mean forever. When you're old enough, your organs start to deteriorate naturally and there will come a time when they won't support you enough to breathe another breath. That's what happened to my Moing. She showed it to us that you can be healthy and all, but Death is still the end of your human life. She left us, leaving a wisdom behind. We shouldn't go AGAINST this flow of life. God has decided that there will be the end for every beginning and we must learn to take this in a positive way. She's in better hands, I know. Why should I grieve when my Moing is NOW whole again beside God. Why should I grieve that she has done her time on earth and it's time to meet the Creator. Why should I grieve that she is happier now that she has completed her cycle? I imagine that her soul was standing there smiling, with the holiest look, looking at us. She's happier, I know.

These thoughts gave me strength. As I walked going around her casket, I did not cry. Was I that strong? But I heard crying from my aunties and I even heard crying voice of my dad. I did not dare to look. I just bowed my head down and held back my emotion as much as I could. Yes, although they are wiser than me to know that Death is just the next thing for my Moing, but it doesn't mean that we can just go through with the funeral ceremony without crying. So I finally let myself cry some tears but I challenged myself that if I am really wiser than before, I must know how to get hold of my own emotions. Some tears and that's all.

Moing…I still remember what you said during the celebration of my good achievement in studies when I was 13. You said that "Mudah-mudahan kau macam naik tu tangga yang kau mula dari bawa dan pelan2 kau naik sampai kau di atas." That time I was surprised that she said that. I was already at the peak of my success, I thought. I could not go down. But SHE WAS RIGHT. I fell right at the bottom and before I know, I'm doing it…trying to climb the ladder again. I told myself, "Moing, why did you say something about climbing the ladder? It could be why I fell this hard and knock myself down. It was damn painful to start all over again." But though I have not reached there yet, but I cannot imagine how grateful I am to find myself climbing the ladder. And if I reach somewhere one day, Promise me Moing that you will be happy.

May Her Soul Rest In Peace.

Note: I don't know why I think that my clock that stopped at 3.59 is more than a coincidence.

The One Who Gives You Life Or make You Stay Alive?

This is nothing new.

Bukan semua orang bertuah macam kita yang dipelihara oleh mama bapa kandung kita sendiri. I have friends yang lived with grandma dorang, or saudara mara dorang, atas sebarang reason yg menyebabkan parents dorang can't take care of them. Tidak kisah lah ada reason apa, whether or not it is atas kerelaan parents dorang atau tidak. But when benda2 ni terjadi…akan ada beberapa isu serious yang akan timbul.

First is – Emotion of the kid. Second is – The kind of life yang dia akan dapat jika berada di bawah jagaan orang lain and Third is – The things that the kid misses when he doesn't get to grow up with his real parents. – At least, those things come to my head spontaneously. I know I never do deeper studies on this but let's hear what I have to say dengan cuba untuk menyelami apa yang dirasai oleh mereka2 yang melalui ini.

Teda sepa dapat jamin bahawa our parents can give us the best life that anyone could offer to us. Secara fakta – bukan semua orang berada dalam financial situation yang selesa to afford anything they wish to. Some people they have so much to offer, but they don't have anyone to offer it to. Sedangkan parents yang susah dan anak pula ramai, memang tidak dapat provide sebaiknya untuk anak2 dorang. Ada pula parents yang memang mempunyai tuntutan hidup yang berbeza sampaikan anak tu bukan priority dorang. You never know. Ada macam2 reason why the parents tidak boleh jaga anak dorang. Then, syukur lah kalau ada orang yang take the kid and bring him up. Jaga makan pakai dia dan ajar dia macamana mau jadi orang.

Kalau Tuhan panjangkan umur, sedar tidak sedar…anak tu pun membesar macam anak orang lain juga. Ada pendidikan, ada perwatakan tersendiri dan sebagainya. Dalam ertikata lain – orang mungkin tidak perasan pun yang anak tu sebenarnya dibesarkan oleh orang lain. So apa bezanya?

Tapi siapa sangka – perkara yang bertahun-tahun tidak diungkit langsung…suddenly timbul pula selepas bertahun-tahun. Isu – Who's the biological parents suddenly diungkit dan What If…selepas bertahun-tahun…the real parents come in the picture and mula mencari balik hak dorang. "He's our son. He should be with us." And lebih dramatik kalau ditambah dengan ayat macam gini, "We don't get to raise him. We hope that we can still spend the rest of our lives as a family. He belongs with us. Don't ruin this family bonding that we have. Don't separate us anymore."

What do you feel now?

Banyak drama yang sia tengok yang bring forward issue ni – Dan confirm ada adegan air mata yang menyayat hati. Apa lagi kalau si penjaga ni tidak dapat berpisah dengan anak yang dia jaga tu gara2 parents sebenar datang menuntut hak. Apa lagi kalau diselitkan dengan macamana payahnya si penjaga kasi besar tu anak dari dia kecil lagi. Dalam kes tertentu, hidup si penjaga tu bukannya senang pun. Tapi sebab keikhlasan dia mau besarkan anak tu, susah pun dia harung juga. Sampaikan orang cakap, ibu bapa dia sendiri pun Belum Tentu lagi akan buat pengorbanan macam tu. So bila kasih sayang dan ikatan sudah dibina – tiba2 pula ada orang mau ambil tu anak balik dengan alasan paling kukuh di dunia – "I'm the one who give birth to him" Ya…perkataan "give birth" tu memang sangat strong. Imagine la mom dia kandung dia 9 bulan dalam perut, and kasi lahir dia dekat2 tercabut nyawa sendiri. Can you deny her right on the child?

Silap2, tajuk yang sia buat tu automatik tidak relevan. No question asked. Memang clearly The one who gives birth yang layak ke atas anak tu. It doesn't matter what the child thinks. It doesn't matter how, what, when, where, with what and so on…Nothing beats the bonding between a mom and a child. That's the general idea. So, can this one always be true?

If benda ni berlaku bila dia child sudah dewasa, I think the child Knows Better. Biarpun darah yang mengalir dalam badan dia tu adalah milik orang yang lahirkan dia, tapi bukan orang itu yang besarkan dia. Apa lagi kalau sebab parents dia tidak besarkan atas reason yang Selfish – like… "We were not ready yet to have a child" or "We have to achieve something first before we can give you a good life". Mungkin si anak akan lebih arif dan tau menilai siapa yang lebih berjasa dalam hidup dia.

Teda sepa cakap melahirkan anak tu senang, tapi lagilah teda sepa akan berani cakap yang membesarkan seorang anak tu sampai dia betul2 jadi orang tu senang. Cos memang pun susah!! Ingat saja macamana susahnya parents kita kasi besar kita. Kalau dorang nda sayang dengan kita, JANGAN HARAP dorang mau buat semua tu. Bila kita sakit, bila kita dilanda kemalangan kecil - silap2 dekat terbang nyawa dorang sebab kebimbangan. Pikir senangkah? Tapi itu semua memang diduga sebab dorang adalah parents kita. Imagine betapa besar hati orang yang membesarkan anak orang lain biarpun bukan darah daging sendiri.

If you want to know my answer – Bagi sia the real responsibility is to RAISE the kid. Di sini baru lah u tau sama ada u sendiri menghargai 9 bulan yang u spent dan kesakitan melahirkan anak tu – sebab if you lalui tu semua tapi u "SURRENDER" mau kasi besar dia, I don't think you still own that highest place in this little hierarchy. Suddenly proses 9 bulan itu jadi satu proses yang mampu dilalui oleh lebih ramai perempuan berbanding dengan proses untuk menjadikan anak yang dilahirkan itu seorang manusia yang betul2 manusia.

So if you are in this situation … Even if you think you have enough reason to reunite with your real parents, Jangan sekali2 kamurang lupa jasa tu orang yg kasi besar kamu. Apa lagi bila kamu jadi orang yang berkebolehan, berwawasan dan tau menilai kehidupan. Bagi sia, jasa orang yg membesarkan kita tu memang kita nda terbalas. Hanya Tuhan ja yang dapat balas.

Note: Tiba2 sia teringat bila orang cakap, To achieve something is not the hardest. How to pertahankan achievement tu yang paling susah. Maybe the concept is the same :)

"...To Be A Better Man"

Tu apa hal lagi benda kuning tu trip masuk gambar tuu? Eiii...ada2 ja dia tu. *Lols
 

You guys know my adik kesayangan kan? My youngest brother. It's not fair pula if you guys think that since he's my youngest brother, then terus automatik jadi my adik kesayangan. That's not true. This kid memang betul2 deserve jadi my kesayangan. Sebab dia memang adorable. Dia ni tidak attend tadika sebab terlampau staring. Suka2 ja dia request dengan my mom dia nda mau masuk tadika, terus kena dengar kunu ba. My mom cakap otak dia ni sharp so that's why my mom dengar ja cakap tu budak kici tu. (Padahal sekarang besar sudah ba dia ni Hahahahaha) 

Tapi memang maybe cos otak dia tu terlampau sharp la, dia kreatif betul. Pantang dengar apa2 lagu, when dia tidak dapat tangkap lirik that song, dia pandai2 pi buat lirik sendiri. Selamba ja dia ni. Terkena lagi dengan kakak yang kuat ketawa macam sia, apa lagiii... mimang riuh rendah la alam semesta ni kan. Hehehehehe. 

Sia masih ingat, sudahlah sia kekiutan tinguk muka dia, and then suka lagi buat lawak macam2, padahal masih kici ba dia tu masa. Lagu2 hit masa tu adalah macam lagu Vengaboys yang Boom. Tu pun kena juga oleh dia. Kan lagu tu punya lirik "Boom boom boom boom, I want you in my room" Tapi dia tukar pegi "...I want to sweep the room" sambil2 dia pegang penyapu. Berabis sia ketawa. 

Dan sia ingat masa tu, katun Pokemon tu memang femes. Mimang adik sia nda miss tengok ni pokemon. Masa tu, sia nda berapa paham sangat pokemon ni apa barang. Nampak mcm monster2 berlawan. Tapi that pikachu memang kiut gila. Hehehehe. I think my bro ni memang obsess dengan katun pokemon tu.
And another lagu hit yang selalu kena main is lagu Robbie Williams - A Better Man. Sia nda suka sangat lagu ni, balik2 dengar. Lama2 sia layan la juga. Mimang feeling jugalah si Robbie Williams nyanyi that song. Jiwang habis. Memang sah la dia ni memang mau jadi A Better Man mengikut tajuk lagu dia tu, iaitu seorang lelaki yang lebih baik dari dulu. Kira sampai jua laa meaning lagu dia tu. 

Sampailah satu hari tu, layan lagu tu lagi di radio... "Send someone to love me...I need to rest in arms...Bla Bla Bla si Robbie nyanyi. Yang we know, confirm climax that song is, dia akan nyanyi, "To be a better man." Tiba2 ada satu suara yang lagi kuat ni pigi lapis tu suara si Robbie, iaitu si budak kici tu. Tapi lain... Selamba ja dia nyanyi... "To be a Pokemon"...

 

Punya pecah ketawa sia sebab penat2 c Robbie nyanyi mendayu-dayu dari awal, merayu2 dan memujuk2... Rupanya mission dia adalah hanya untuk menjadi seorang Pokemon ba guys...Apa nda dekat gila sia ketawa dengan idea adik sia yg nda abis2 ni. Hahahahahaahahahahaha.
 

Kalau ya pun kesukaan betul dengan katun pokemon tu, sampaikan berangan-angan mau jadi pokemon, janganlah sampai urg pun dikasi jangkit juga. Nasib la kau Robbie Williams...nda pasal2 kau berhajat menjadi pokemon ahhh...kau akur ja la dengan ubahsuai lagu kau tu ahh...
 

(HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA)

Note: Layan ja la si [256] punya lawak ni ahh...kalau nda pun, biar dia tawa sana sorang2. *Lols

Biarkan Sajalah!

“Jangan kau naik tu, nanti jatuh!!” Begitu la yang biasa diteriak oleh ibu bapa kita kepada kita when we were still too small to know what’s dangerous. Especially when kita too curious nampak tu tangga yang tinggi…"Macam best pula kalau naik ni, tau…” Sama ada kita ni memang curious, atau memang kita rasa kita ni kuat dan sedia dengan sebarang perkara yang mungkin menimpa kita, or kita ni memang berpikiran pendek dan tidak mau pikir banyak. Well, dalam situasi kalau kita ni masih kecil, semua perkara tu adalah normal. Kadang2 when bapa kita teriak sampai tebangun tu ayam itik di kandang, sama jua degil. Inda mau dengar. Mau juga naik. Degil eh!

“[256], jangan kau naik tu tangga…nanti kau jatuh, silap2 bedarah lutut kau,” bilang bapa sia. Terus sia inda naik sebab dia tinguk sia. But bila dia teda sana, nahh…sana la sia teruskan mission sia. “Sia mesti naik itu tangga!” sia cakap dalam hati. Degil. Keras kepala. Kali tinguk, tiba2 muncul bapa sia di belakang, “Sudah sia kastau jangan naik tu tangga kan? Kenapa juga nda mau dengar ni? Kalau jatuh nanti macamana?” Then sia kasi biut muka merajuk kana marah. “Can you stop me?” RIGHT, You can’t freaking stop me. Kalau sia sudah determined mau buat something, I will do it. If you tie me di pokok kayu pun, ada jua cara sia mau lepas dan akhirnya naik tangga itu!! Sebab manusia memang macam ni. Kalau kepala otak dia mau, dia bukan dengar apa kau cakap. Apa lagi bila dia rasa excited and thrilled to try something yg dia rasa seronok.

Percaya atau tidak…Inilah yang kita hadapi dalam menjalani hidup kita. Kita ada kemahuan melakukan sesuatu, kita rasa kita boleh, and then kita rasa cara kita untuk mendapatkan sesuatu tu adalah betul. Yup…read that again. Contohnya kamu ni seorang cikgu, kamu sudah terlebih dahulu makan garam dari students kamu. Then kamu nampak students kamu ni asyik masyuk bercinta masa masih sekolah. Umur baru setahun jagung, sudah tau main cinta monyet. Kamu sudah lalui tu semua. Kamu buat satu sesi lecture di kelas. Kamu bagitau students kamu yg confirm dorang akan menyesal kalau cinta awal2 sebab semua cinta pada masa sekolah macam tu mesti tidak akan ke mana-mana. Silap2 paper fail, lugai2 putih mata. Apa pun nda dapat. Berbuih mulut kamu lecture students kamu supaya jangan main cinta2 monyet. Aha…kamurang pikir dorang mau dengar ka? Dorang sudah hanyut dengan perasaan yang di awang-awangan tu…dorang rasa happy dan bahagia dengan cinta monyet dorang, dan mau dibandingkan dengan kamu yg setakat pot pet teda hujung pangkal – entahkan betul entahkan tidak … kamurang pikir dorang mau dengar ka?? Yes, correct!! Dorang tidak akan mau dengar!!!

Jadi, apa macam? Kamu baca tu topic balik. Iaituu…BIARKAN SAJALAH! Ini saja cara yang terbaik. Bukan kerana kamu surrender tidak mau tolong orang lain supaya dorang tidak jatuh atau gagal, tapi memang THERE’S NO WAY yang dorang akan dengar cakap kamu sekiranya dorang expect ada sinar victory yang menunggu di hujung tu. BIARKAN saja dorang tu. Kalau si [256] telampau karas kepala, kasi biar dia naik tu tangga, kalau dia jatuh nanti, bedarah lutut…Nahhh, baru dia sendiri sedar apa yang bahaya. Daripada kau kasi kempunan dia. Biar la dia naik. Tapi kau pasang la tilam di bawah cos nda juga kita mau kepala dia yang landing dulu kan. Palis2. (*Lols).Eiii sampat lagi ba!

Ini cuma satu perumpamaan. Sampai hari ni pun, kita sentiasa dinasihat itu dan ini oleh orang yg TAHU dan berpengalaman. Dorang tau if kau ikut tu jalan yang kau pilih, kau akan susah. Tapi kau degil. Kau mau juga ikut. Then? Biar saja la! Kamurang tunggu ja dia patah balik kasi biut muka. “Baru sia tau oo itu jalan tidak bagus.” Nahhh, ini la yang kita tunggu. Biar dia find out sendiri. Sebab kalau mau harap kita yang bagitau orang, dorang tidak akan paham dan terima. Dorang kena find out sendiri.

Begitu juga la dengan sia. Bukan teda orang nasihat, bukan teda orang tau…Tapi apa buli buat kalau sia degil? Then now bila sia find out yang apa yang dorang cakap tu Memang Betul, dan sia telah memperbodohkan diri sia selama ni dengan mengikut sia punya kepala otak yang nda berapa buli pakai, Nahhh…PADAN DENGAN MUKA SIA KAN? Guess what… as a matter of fact, sia baru saja sedar sia melalui proses itu. Dan apa jadi dengan sia? Sia masih boleh berdiri dan bercakap macam awal2 dulu before sia buat kesilapan itu. Tapi kali ni, bahasa sia lain sikit sebab sekarang SIA TAU, dulu sia NDA tau. Sekarang sia buli becakap and analisis kesilapan sia. What when wrong and all that. Dan apa yang lebih best lagi…selepas sia jatuh sendiri dan bangun kembali, sia jadi orang yang lebih pintar. At least sia sudah buktikan teori yang sia ragui dan sia boleh jadi BUKTI itu sendiri kepada satu perkara yang orang lain susah mau percaya. Sometimes, memang macam ni. Kau kena terhantuk, terduduk dan almost tersungkur dulu barulah kau tau. Jadi… now that I made a mistake, sia teda masa mau hantuk kepala sia di dinding or mau gigit lengan sia sendiri untuk lepas geram. Sebab bagi sia, INILAH KEHIDUPAN. Mimang sia PERLU buat kesilapan itu untuk jadi orang yg lebih baik.

Now sia nampak sekali lagi, macamana God does it. Biarpun sia masih rasa sakit akibat terjatuh, tapi sia masih terasa mau senyum sebab sia pikir dari mula lagi…seolah-olah benda ni direka sedemikian rupa supaya sia boleh lakukan satu kesilapan dan bangkit semula. Entah dari mana pikiran ni datang bahawa, Success itu ada price dia. Bukan MURAH itu Success tu. I think, secara logiknya, God pun nda mau kita berjaya dengan mudah sebab takut2 kita tidak tau apa NILAI sebuah kejayaan. Tadi sia bercakap dengan my mom’s friend about perkara ni – I WISH I had someone yang becakap di tempat sia sekarang and sia berada di tempat my mom’s friend supaya sia tidak perlu kerugian masa dan wang ringgit dengan kesilapan yang boleh dielakkan. Tapi tidak apa juga. Yang paling best sekali adalah… KESILAPAN itu kini berada di belakang sia. Apa lagi sia mau takut? Benda tu sudah lepas. Sekarang adalah masa untuk MAKE UP for it and sia mau ONE DAY sia akan rasa mau hug2 itu kesilapan – sampai gitu sekali kan. Sebab sepa tau…kesilapan itu lah permulaan kepada sesuatu yg indah pada masa depan.

Dengan my stubbornness… Dad, thanks for letting me fall off the stairs. I need this one time experience so that I don’t have to fall again. A Fall…suddenly it sounds too simple to compare to what’s waiting for you. Wow… :)

Purnama Yang Merindu Dan Dirindui…

If I ask you guys one question…entah u guys boleh jawab ka tidak. Do you find yourself to be in the place Who Miss or Who Is Missed? Merindu atau dirindui? Ahaa…Most likely, you guys never find out pun. You guys mana tau berapa ramai orang rindu kamu. Kamu cuma tau berapa ramai yg kamu rindu, itupun bukan kamurang kira juga kan? Hehehehehehe

Well, one thing for sure…Merindu ni sesuatu yang quite memedihkan. Especially merindui sesuatu yang dulunya ada, and then lepas tu tiada. Biarpun ketiadaan itu cuma sementara saja. Tapi asalkan namanya merindu, tetap juga pedih.

The other day, my youngest bro was sent off the airport, taking flight back to where he studies. Memang suddenly the house terasa a bit sunyi. But my bro made it easier for us cos he was not noisy enough to make us miss the noise that he made during the holidays. My sister said that nite, “Sunyi pula o kan?” – Aha…from the sound of her voice, I knew my sister missed my little brother’s presence in the house. Memang biasa macam tu lepas family members leave the house lepas satu holiday yang panjang. Kita miss dengar footsteps dorang turun tangga, or bunyi dorang memasak di dapur, or just bunyi the shower yang menunjukkan dorang sedang taking bath. All the simple things yg they did to make the difference in the house. Suddenly on the first day dorang suddenly tidak spend masa at the house, kita akan rasa sunyi dan seolah-olah something is missing. Kalau mau dilayan sangat perasaan tu, buli juga mengalir air mata ba kan. Hehehe

Then teringat satu kenangan masa kecil. I was very close with my sister when we were small. Like belangkas. Di mana ada dia, di situlah ada sia. Gaya kami pun lebih kurang sama, sama2 hyper. But my sister ni much adorable than me masa kami kecil. Sia teringat, ada sekali tu, she purposely ketuk2 tu kayu di batu and made a sound. She said that she wanted to make the sound so people remember her when she wasn’t around, for example when she pulang kampung, orang akan rindu dia. *Lols. Kici2 lagi sudah pandai saiko oo kan. Hahaahahahaha. Then, satu hari tu, my mom bawa dia and my bro balik kampung. So when sia bangun tidur, I saw a note my sister wrote. Dia letak di tempat tidur dia. Dia cakap “Babaii…sia pulang kampung dulu.” Masa tu sia nangis berabis teringat my sister. Hehehehe. Padahal balik kampung ja ba. Rasa rindu dan rasa kehilangan dan kesunyian tu ba. So not cool la the feeling. Bila tulis balik pun terasa mau keluar juga air mata. Biarpun cuma kenangan masa kecil saja and my sister now berada cuma di sebelah bilik ja. Hehehehehe.

My point is…Oleh kerana kita ni ada perasaan, memang kita nda akan lepas daripada merasa rindu. Dan merasa kepedihan perasaan rindu tu. Kadang2 macam kena hiris nipis2 ja tu hempedu kamurang that. *Lols. The feeling memang tidak best. Tapi, feeling tu menunjukkan yang hati dan jantung kamu berfungsi dengan baik. Hehehehe.

Sia sendiri pun banyak kali miss dengan orang. Sia lagi ni yg si tukang nangis…sikit2 rindu pun mau nangis. Pedih. Memang pedih. Then pasal tu la…sia rasa sia nda mau terlampau sangat layan kerinduan dengan orang. Paling senang adalah build A GAP supaya jangan sampai diri tu menjadi hamba dengan kerinduan. Yes, I know that missing someone is not a bad thing. But gara2 merindu, kerja pun boleh terbengkalai. Asyik melayan rindu. Kerja pun tidak terbuat. I don’t like that. Suddenly I started to see “missing someone” as satu weakness. The more you let yourself miss someone, the weaker you are. Sebab suddenly your emotion is ruled by the person that you miss. Tiba2 orang tu call you, u baru dapat energy you. If dia tidak call you dalam seminggu, silap2 u jadi macam tu sotong kering ba guys. U jadi tidak bermaya. Muka nda berseri. Asyik biut ja muka u guys tu. Hehehehehe. Rupanya dalam hati terasa rindu yang teramat sangat. It’s a weakness, agree?

I have to learn to be a little heartless. Bukan sia nda sayang, but sia memang anggap “kerinduan” tu cuma melemahkan sia. My emosi akan terganggu. My work banyak help me untuk tidak melayan perasaan rindu2 macam tu. Sebab menjadi seorang yang cengeng ni memang mencabar. U kena buat extra work untuk put a shield supaya u are stronger. Sebab once the tears keluar, memang itulah segala-gala kelemahan yang cuba disembunyikan selama ni. It makes me feel as if kematangan tidak memberikan sebarang hasil pada sia kalau sia tidak boleh get in control of my emotion. So untuk tidak terbawa-bawa dengan kerinduan adalah satu petanda yang bagus. Sia anggap bahawa how we handle perkara ni adalah menunjukkan yang kita boleh mengawal perasaan, dan kalau kita boleh kawal perasaan, banyak benda yang kita boleh buat dengan baik. Sebab, hal2 emosi ni yang biasanya yang menjadi gangguan utama kita ba kan.

Apa pun…Rindu merindu ni best juga ba. Cos when you rindu, u sure akan lebih hargai kehadiran orang tu the next time he’s around. Maybe juga dengan perasaan rindu ni, manusia akan lebih menghargai sesama sendiri dan tidak ambil lewa saja masa2 yang dorang spend with each other. And actually Rindu ni sebenarnya mengeratkan lagi ikatan yang ada tu kan. Heheheehehehe. So, sekali sekala menjadi Purnama yang merindu, apa salahnya.

Tapi yang lebih best adalah bila menjadi Purnama yang dirindu. Sebab when ada orang bagitau you that dorang miss you, baru kita tau yg kehadiran kita dalam hidup dorang ni sebenarnya ada kesan juga. If someone tells me that, walaupun sia tidak akan percaya sangat, tapi I feel good inside. Apa lagi kalau orang ingat semua gelak-ketawa kau, lawak jenaka kau –sedangkan kau rasa benda tu semua seimbas lalu ja.

Suka atau tidak, RINDU is satu perasaan yang menghubungkan sesama manusia. Walaupun pedih, tapi sekali sekala layan rindu pun best juga. Tambah kita rindu, tambah kita sayang. Betul ka tidak? So sekali sekala merindu tu apa salahnya kan. Heheheehe. Layan ja laaa…

Note: Kalau rindu sampai nangis2 tu, pandai2 la lap air mata sendiri ah guys… *Lols

The Heart Of Christmas

Morning everyone. I am typing this is the dawn of Christmas. It’s never complete if I just leave the special day without writing down a meaningful thought for it.

Merry Christmas 2009 to all those who are celebrating it. As we know, the church will now will be overflowing with people again, unlike most of the Sundays throughout the year. Some people never turn up to Church unless they have a reason big enough to do so. And guess what, Christmas could be the reason for them to go to church. Even the non church-goers also know that this celebration means a lot to them that they should make time to spend at least an hour following the Christmas mass.

Aha…looks like everyone really waits for this day. But does everyone know WHY Christmas is such an important day?

Yup, let me get this right. Although I have emphasized that A Happier Christmas is by spending it with our loved ones, but actually – that’s still not The Heart of Christmas is all about. Christmas isn’t what most of the younger generation thought it was. Christmas is not Santa Claus, Rudolph the Rednosed Raindeer, Frosty the Snowman, Pine Tree decorated with running lights and miniature hanging deco – and as a matter of fact, Christmas is NOT about big food celebration where you spend your nite drinking till you pass out. That ISN’T what Christmas is all about.

Christmas is actually a VERY religious celebration because it’s celebrating the birthday of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ came into the world to save men from sins by getting Himself crucified at the cross. The sacrifice and sorrow that Jesus went through on the cross remain a very significant event for the Christians. Without the event on the cross, there might not be a religion called Christian. I belong to the oldest religion, that’s Roman Catholic. So now you know why we make the Sign of Christ to honour and remember how much the tragedy on the cross actually makes a different to the world. So, Christmas date is picked to remember the birth of Jesus. His birth is like the biggest blessing from God. He was sent to the people on this earth, because of God’s Love to the people. Christians believe that He is the Saviour who will save the believers and reward them with eternal life. So, it’s normal when you attend the Christmas mass, usually the priest will remind us what’s the Real Christmas is all about. Suddenly you realize that it’s far strayed from the real objective of Christmas. The whole world is excited about the celebration but not all really know or care why Christmas is even here to begin with.

Christmas has been commercialized that it’s now more about a general celebration where people decorate the house and street, playing Christmas songs, throwing big parties, buying gifts and making surprises. It’s the time where people wait to go home and spend time at home. I believe that some people even thought that Christmas is all about Santa Claus. The world has so much to bank from this celebration alone, because it becomes a time when people spend most of the money they make in the year. They all wait for Christmas to finally be able to do something special. Well, that’s why the Church is feeling upset with this because the world is losing touch with the Real purpose of Christmas. But at the end of the day, is it a bad thing at all? It’s not a bad thing. But please, to all the Christians, let’s not forget that this is the celebration of joy for the birth of Christ. We are all thankful because Christ’s birth is a symbol of love. Yes, let’s rejoice for this magnificent birth. Say the thankful prayers that this celebration brings a lot of meaning to our lives.

So… have I made myself be part of this commercialized Christmas? I have been telling my readers so much about the importance of spending time with loved ones. So, am I trying to make the lost people even lost about real Christmas? Nope. As you can see, maybe it’s easier for me because I am not really a materialistic person. I don’t have the pressure to really get ruled by HOW MUCH materials that I have to measure how rich I am. I keep emphasizing WHO we have in our lives, because that’s the real wealth to me. I think I am doing justice and playing my part well in trying to spread the essence of Christmas celebration. LOVE that is. Cos in today’s world, maybe it’s hard to let them know that Jesus Christ is the reason for this celebration. But when you talk about love, it isn’t SO HARD anymore. Because Love is a universal language everyone can understand.

At the end of the day, I think that even Christ is happy that we learn how to adapt love and let it rule our lives. I bet He’s happier because now we know what’s the essence of this life. It isn’t how big our cars and home are, or how much we can spend at a fancy restaurant for the best foods, or how expensive the gifts we can buy for them. It’s NOT that. It’s MUCH SIMPLER. Even those who don’t have all those could still experience the biggest joy. Maybe the real “correction” is in that. Maybe we should not get too obsessed with materials and money. If we can feel rich just by counting our blessings through our loved ones, maybe we already hit the right key. Maybe Christ would forgive us if we forget for a second why we celebrate Christmas in the first place. Because His teaching still rules our heart – LOVE that is. As a matter of fact, our biggest gift to Christ is when we can practice how to “Love One Another”. He’ll be happy when there’s no vengeance in our hearts. No more hatred and enemies. "Forgiveness" - is a big word. Just with that, I think we can present Christ the best gift. It’s not even about giving Him something. It’s as simple as sharing love among us. Practice Love.

And What Love is, again? Love is not in what your say, love is not even in what you feel. Love is in what YOU DO. When you do something nice to other people, that’s WHAT LOVE is. That’s a very meaningful church sermon that I remember until today. So much that we talk about love, finally that particular Rev. Father put it in the simplest words. So don’t say that you love until you are willing to show it in action.

I want to take this chance to thank the ALMIGHTY LORD for everything that I have. I thank Him because through the years, I have learnt so much about appreciating my loved ones. I might not do enough, but I know I’m getting there. I also want to thank Him because He gives me this heart. I can feel people’s love and affection for me. I can stop and stay thank you because I might be a very weak person, but suddenly my weaknesses don’t matter anymore because my loved ones will still love and accept me regardless who I am. I also want to say my infinite gratefulness because of the opportunities that life gives me to expand my little hands. Lord gives me the way to use my gifts. Lord, I might ask too much from You sometimes. You have been very patient with me. But if I have one thing that makes You happy, please show it to me through Your help and guidance during my times of trouble. And Please…if I deserve only a little blessing, I would want to share it with the people I love. Please use half of my blessing to lighten and ease their troubled heart when they face difficulties cos I don’t want them to be weaker than I am. I hope I don’t ask for too much.

Merry Christmas Everyone. Yes, we all need an excuse to do something nice. If that’s the case, I don’t think Christ will mind if we use Christmas as an excuse to finally show our love to one another. In fact…it’s all that He might ask for as a birthday gift. Happy Birthday Jesus Christ :)

God Bless Everyone.

"Explain That Feeling..."

Feelings are complicated. And Strange too. Sometimes, you can only feel something and not able to put it into words. Or are feelings actually NOT meant to be described by words? I mean, if feelings are meant to be described by words, why not everything we feel can be explained in the best possible meaning using our best vocabulary?

This always happened. Even back in schooldays. There was this boy who I didn’t care so much about. I always knew he was one of my classmates. Not famous enough to be a favourite of any girl that time. But suddenly when someone came to us, telling us that the boy just moved to another school, I was shocked. I felt sad inside. “At least he should have said farewell to the rest,” I thought. I couldn’t explain why would I stop and felt heavy for someone I didn’t even care so much to know about.

I remember, back in college. My room was just beside my friend’s room. A friend whom I didn’t like that much. I knew that she was dating a new guy. Although I could name you many reasons why I didn’t like her as so much, but I felt so down when I saw that her room was dark. I knew that she must be spending time with the new boyfriend, but I didn’t care why she wasn’t there. I just wanted to see the light from her room so that I knew she was there. I just thought that it made me feel a little happier with the knowledge that she was there, doing something in her room. I couldn’t explain that feeling. Strange right?

Let’s say, you and your guyfriend. When you think that just because you guys are just friends, you can’t feel jealous when he’s going out with other girl, you might be wrong. It happens a lot. You can’t see the other person as more than a friend, but yet you still feel jealous when your friend is dating someone else. This becomes normal the longer you live. But when you learn that someone feels jealous, does that mean the person have feelings for you? Aha, that might be the popular belief. But I personally don’t think so. Sometimes we know the boundary of our friendship, and we are clear about it, but still we feel jealous when each of us starts dating. Or do you still believe that this awkward feeling tells you something that “you try to deny that you feel more” for the person? I don’t know. Maybe that’s also not accurate.

I talked to my big brother yesterday. We sensed that even both of us also experienced something like that. We felt a bit of awkward when we learn about each other’s encounter with different girl/guy. Like although we know that we love each other as brother and sister (and we mean it), but why do we feel that way? I remember when I pouted when my bro replied my sms late and he told me he was having a guys-nite-out with his friends. I disliked the feeling. And then when I saw my bro was joking with other girls, I pouted like a little girl. When I asked him about this lady friend of his, and he said he forgot, I pouted again as if I thought he purposely didn’t want to tell me. I still felt that way even though I was currently engaging myself in a courtship with another guy. It’s fair though. My bro also felt the same way. When I was making friends with some new guys, and talked about how sweet a guy was, and how cute he was, and what they did for me, I somehow sensed some uneasiness in him. He admitted it. I asked him, “Why is that? Can you explain that?” He said, “It’s normal.” I asked because want to find reasoning behind this. Then we found the answer. It could be the answer. I suggested, “Could it be because we feel like we are losing each other?” Then he said, “Yes~!! That’s the word. The feeling of losing.” My bro has a perfect happy family and still he feels like something is missing when he learns that I’m dating a new guy, and even though I always let him know that I love him. Strange right?

Maybe this is just about us being humans. As long as we have feelings, we will always have something happening in our heart although we can’t always explain why. Maybe something more is hiding beneath that, or maybe not. Wow…isn’t that complicated? But we have to accept the fact that feelings don’t always necessarily mean hate, love, angry jealous…to mention a few. I think there are empty spaces in between these feelings that we human don’t have the proper words for. So if you can’t explain why you are feeling a certain feeling, just accept it that it’s normal. Maybe it’s true that not everything is meant to be explained with words. It’s just meant to be the inhabitant of our heart. They come and they go. All we do is just let it happen, and if it’s going to do something to us, make sure it’s anything but a bad thing :)

Note: A note to Kennedy, 16th December 2009 – this was your offday. Remember that. It was a sweet offday to remember I hope. *Lols

“I Do Care For You My Old Ones, But…”

Suddenly isu warga emas di kalangan keluarga kita ni timbul di celah-celah kesibukan orang bercakap pasal macam2 hal dunia yang nda berkesudahan selagi jantung masih berdegup.

Biasalah kita sebagai manusia, kita akan concern pasal how long we gonna live, and how healthy we are as long as we live. Yup…Hayat and Health. Semua orang tau, hidup ni cuma sementara. I remember this one line from Kyle XY, Why are you guys celebrating birthday when it’s actually another year nearer to death? Ouch. Reality bites. But inilah satu fact hidup yang nobody can deny. You can deny that this earth is actually round, but no one can deny that every living thing will eventually die. Walaupun begitu, tiada rules yang cakap bahawa kau hanya akan tinggalkan hidup ni semasa kau sudah tua. Mungkin juga ajal orang masa dia masih kecil or baru lahir, but kepada mereka yang panjang usia ni, what else can we say? Mereka sudah melalui hidup yang panjang, dan sekarang adalah tempoh dorang akan slow down cos energy dorang semakin kurang, keupayaan fizikal dorang pun semakin lemah, begitu juga dengan minda, kebolehan berkomunikasi dan berinteraksi dengan orang…semua ni akan menurun dengan banyaknya.

Siapalah yang tidak sayang dorang ni? Dorang ni mungkin boleh jadi ibu bapa kita, datuk nenek kita or saudara mara kita yang kita sayang. Menjadi warga emas is something that we will go through when we live long enough. Biarpun dorang tua, tapi kita tetap sangat sayang dengan dorang. Kita mau dorang hidup lagi panjang dan kalau buli, sampai kita tua pun kita harap dorang masih lagi hidup dan sihat.

Zaman sekarang, product health and beauty adalah product terlaris, I can say. Sebab manusia mau hidup lama, dan dorang mau preserve their youth, kalau buli, umur 60 , 70 tahun masih lagi cantik dan macho. Dan apa lagi di zaman yg banyak penyakit ni, apa saja jenis ubat yang dikatakan mujarab, semua pun orang mau try. Biar la kikis tu duit di bank. Yang penting kesihatan tu yang paling utama. Okay…then we go into the real issue. Mungkin ada di antara kita yang melalui kesukaran untuk membuat keputusan berkaitan dengan “pengorbanan” yang kita perlu buat untuk warga emas kesayangan kita.

Last nite, I received SMS from a goodfriend. “[256], cuba dulu kau check 1 juta tu ada berapa kosong?” Then sia takajut dengan SMS macam tu daripada kawan sia yang memang kerja dia adalah ajar Maths sama budak2 sekolah. Hahahahahahahaahhaha. Biar betul. Nda payah pikir2 panjang, sia SMS dia balik, “ 1 juta got 7 digits, so got 6 zeros.” Then she said to me, “Mati la sia ni!! Sia kena buat loan sebanyak 1 juta untuk menampung ubat bapa sia. Macamana sia mau buat loan begitu banyak???” Then sia takajut ni ba. Alaalalalaalala. Dia cakap abang2 dan kakak dia yang suruh dia buat tu loan sebab dia ja belum ada tanggungan. Logik kah? Then sia SMS her back. “Uii banyak ba tu. Bagus kau pikir betul2 la.” If personal loan RM100k pun, dia kena pay back more than RM1k permonth. “Betul2 I cannot plan for my own life ohh macam ni,” she said to me. Terus sia sangat simpati dengan my goodfriend tu, sebab everytime jumpa dia, dia mesti cakap orang asyik minta duit dengan dia ja. She said, “Sia sudah pun pikir masak2 ni, tapi memang ubat bapa sia tu mahal. Memang dia minum ubat tu sekarang. Kena bayar cash lagi tu.” Then sia pun timbang2 juga situasi dia, so sia tidak mau suka2 nasihat nda tentu2, then sia cakap la macam ni…

“If your heart is that big, to fund your dad punya medication, wang ringgit tu apa juga ba tu kan?”

What do you guys expect me to say? Sia tidak buli cakap sama dia yang bagus lagi dia simpan tu duit dia dan bina hidup dia, daripada dia hutang macam tu hanya untuk bayar ubat bapa dia. Apapun, sia tetap percaya, byk lagi ubat yang mampu dibeli yang boleh ubat macam2 penyakit. That's why sia rasa biarpun kita sayang dengan warga emas kita tu, kita mesti juga pakai otak. Kena realistic juga. Jangan sampai sendiri yang susah nda bertempat. Tapi macam kejam pula kan? Mentang2 la bapa dia sudah tua, then anak2 pun cakap, “Alaa…ubat macamana pun, sama juga ba tu. Tiada juga orang yg buli hidup sampai bila2.” Emmm…Reality bites.

Macam juga kes adik beradik saudara sia ni. Mom dorang ni memang tua sudah. Teda penyakit kronik, cuma sebab sudah tua, so asyik terlantar di katil and wheelchair. Dia tidak mau makan nasi or anything. Just air. Jadi memang dia jadi sangat kurus. So bila baru2 tu ada orang jual dorang ubat harga beribu-ribu – yang kununnya boleh kasi sihat apa juga jenis kesakitan pada badan, one of them ni suggest yg dorang beli ubat tu untuk mom dorang yang sudah tua tu. But yang suggest ni pun bukan mau keluar duit, dia tukang cakap ja. Yang dia harap keluar duit tu adalah abang dorang. So si abang ni mengeluhlah… “Bukan sia tidak mau beli ni ubat2 semua…tapi si mama tu sudah memang sakit tua ba. Apa ubat pun bukan buli kasi bagus dia.” Betul juga. Kadang2 kita pun serba salah orang tuduh kita ni kedekut or berkira duit, tapi kalau cakap pasal product ni, sampai tahun depan pun tidak habis cerita. Tapi ubat tu tidak akan buat mama dorang tu muda balik dan dapat balik semua hormon dan tenaga dia yang buatkan hidup dia betul2 sihat balik. Keadaan dia sekarang adalah berpunca daripada “lumrah kejadian manusia” yang akan menjadi tua selepas muda. Jadi no freaking medicine can reverse that, true or not?

If kamu dalam situasi tu, adakah kamu akan tetap berhabis wang ringgit untuk buat hati kamu tenang dan selesa bahawa “at least I’ve done everything I can” dan dengan tu, u tidak akan menyesal if warga emas tu akhirnya meninggalkan kamu. Or should we just be realistic about the reality of life that every living thing will die? So dalam keadaan hidup kita yang perlu bercongak dengan kewangan masa depan sendiri yang masih samar2, and at the same time sayang dengan warga emas yang berada di bawah tanggungjawab kita, kita cuma buat apa yang logic, spend at certain amount yang reasonable – and leave the rest to God?

I don’t know. Cakap pasal ni saja pun rasa begitu payah kan? Seolah2 ditelan mati emak, diluah mati bapa. Maybe masing2 punya kes, situasi dan penilaian kan? Mungkin betul ada kejadian alam yang kita tidak boleh stop, but maybe lagi ngam if kita tukar focus kita kepada perkara yang berada di dalam kemampuan kita. Iaitu…focus kita bukan kita mau hidup selamanya…Tapi kita mau mampu untuk jadi sebahagia mungkin selagi kita masih ada kehidupan ini. Maybe we should concentrate more on a happier life, rather than macamana make sure kita masih hidup umur 100 tahun. Come to think about it…most rational people don’t want to live that long :) They just want a happier and meaningful life. :)

Lord, bless our old ones.

Don't Stop That Noise...

You guys read this post…I hope it would knock some senses into us. 

NOISE -- Nobody really likes it all the time. If you can pick a silent and peaceful environment, yes, you would pick this, anything away from the pollution of sound. 

I remember my parents were talking out loud about something funny and we were laughing our heart off. Suddenly my sister came from upstairs, wearing that upset looks and said to us, 

“Can you guys please tone down the volume cos I can’t sleep? Like I can listen to every words. I’m trying to get some rest!”
 

Yes, it was always noisy when the rest of the family are gathering in the house. It’s a normal view when the house where a family stays, would get even more silent each year – when the kids are growing and eventually have to leave the house to pursue their dreams. One child might be off to another state for studies, another one would get married and stay at the spouse’s place and one would be stay at a different place because it’s closer to his workplace. Yeah…for all the different reason, the family house would get really SILENT. If you were the parents, you would understand that this SILENT wasn’t there when the kids were still small; when they still need your protection and care. 

One day, you would cry alone hugging your pillow, missing this noise that you thought you hated just because you wanted to get some rest. That time then only you realize If Only you just let them do the noise. It’s the most heavenly noise that you can afford to have. But that time, it’s too late. Because that’s what most of us do. We only realize the value of something when it’s gone. Now I’m telling you so you APPRECIATE that noise that made them these people. They are the same people you call you loved ones. They are the same people you mention in all your prayers. 

 

So when I told my sister that That is SO SO Stupid to complain about the noise that we make. “Aren’t you enough of silence?!!!” I really mean it. Just put it this way. Just imagine that this life is CURSED with silence. So all the noises that come along the way are actually what give this life the meaning. Cos after the noises are gone, it’s going to SILENCE again. 

So don’t you think we have enough of Silence? Now think once again if you want to wait until you lose this noise forever or START appreciating it NOW. It’s not to late for most of us. Those who have lost this noise KNOW what I’m talking about. 

Yeah…I won’t curse this noise anymore. This is the most lovely noise to my ears. Let’s make some noise my dear loved ones. I will call myself very lucky if I can hear this noise as long as I breathe.

Please don’t stop that noise. I will tolerate all my beings for this heavenly noise. I don’t care about that stupid silence cos it’s gonna be there waiting for me when this noise runs its course.

 

Pleaseee…Don’t Stop That Noise….

Which One Is Less Hurting?

I recalled one day when my bestfriend called me up. She wanted to ask for my opinion.

She said,

“A friend called me up and asked me, how do I cope with the lost of my dad. Is it still hurting after a year?”… “What I want to ask you is, which one is better, when your loved one fall sick for a long time, you get to visit him on the hospital bed and you are on his side until his last breath, Or when your loved one doesn’t show the sign of any serious sickness until the last minute that he just collapse and admitted to the hospital and gone before he says his last words?"

I went,

“Emmm…Actually the word “better” is not suitable. Nothing is ever “better” in the case involving losing our loved ones. “Less hurting” is more suitable.”

She continued,

“You know, I tried to compare my situation with that friend of mine, because recently her mom just collapse and went coma until her last breath. Before that she was totally healthy. She didn’t get to say final words because she never woke up from the sudden coma. Unlike my dad, we knew he was sick for a long time. He even got to speak about how he wanted his funeral to be done. – If I tried to compare, What For? In the end, it’s still the same. It’s the same kind of Unbearable Pain of losing. It doesn’t matter how it happens. That’s what I think.”

Then I responded,

“Okay, you’re right. But if you ask me, which one is less hurting. Of course your case is less hurting because you guys have enough time to Be Prepared for it, emotionally, spiritually and physically. You can do anything you want to do to cherish the last moments you have. Unlike the other case, there could be much regret because IF ONLY they knew they were gonna lose someone so dear, they could have done things differently. They would appreciate the times together much better than they did. You’re right, the dead will be gone, but it’s about US who are still alive, how to cope with the loss. I think that HOW you lose them helps how we cope with the loss.”

You guys get the idea?

Then I want to bring up the year 2012 which has been said to be the end of the world. Wow…isn’t it “great” that we know when the world is going to end? We know it’s going to end anyway, but to know WHEN it happens is something “very useful”. It’s the same with when you know you are going to live another 1 week, I bet you would do things differently. You won’t waste a freaking minute doing stuff that you usually do “to kill the time” cos the time you are killing now is not reaching to an end. It’s in fact an intriguing idea to KNOW your final time, because you can prepare for it. BUT…but…think about this for a moment. Do you agree when I say that by the time you learn about the final day, you would start to grieve and mourn silently for that coming day? I mean, you WON’T live your days the same anymore. Everything is dedicated to that final day. You will stop living without boundaries, you will forget about your ultimate dreams and all that. All you can do is reaching for what’s reachable. If you can reach only a handful, you would try to be happy with that handful that you can reach.

Emm…that’s sad right?

Suddenly, I want to entertain the other idea. MAYBE it’s just better if WE DON’T KNOW when it’s going to end. Maybe we can still live today as if we gonna live forever. Our emotion, our mental and physical are at the best freedom it can experience. We don’t put constraint. We gonna live thinking that this happiness is going to linger. I believe the feeling is so different. At least we get to ENJOY life until the end of it – without mourning for it before it’s time.

THINK ABOUT IT, my friends.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter what we think, cos when the final day comes, it’s going to take its toll anyway. But now, we are still breathing, right? Why worry so much about that final day when it’s gonna come anyway. We should worry more about how to live this life that we surely gonna leave one day.

:)

"Family Comes First"

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People often speak about the importance of FAMILY. People speak of it way too often that you start to get tired and sick of it. It’s almost overrated, you thought. FAMILY consists of your mom, dad and siblings. But not all families are in the right category to be “praised” or lifted to that height that it’s almost an invincible institution. In fact, there are terms dedicated to describe that breakdown of this institution that people can even come up with terms like “Broken family. So Family doesn’t always bring the “good thing” to someone’s mind. Some families DON’T work.

I am not here to preach about why or how a family can meet the criteria of a wrecked family, cos you see, you don’t perform a ceremony to announce people that, “Hey, this group of people and myself are officially a family!” Nope. Familyship isn’t like wedding. When two people got married and have children, they are FAMILY from day one. So, when you don’t actually have a legal formality to follow just to “be a family”- then do you agree with me that this is a bond that is UNBREAKABLE?

Straight to the point. I want to tell you guys something. Actually, Family Comes First – isn’t overrated at all. It’s actually the purest thing that holds the most naked truth about us being alive. Keep reading. I have a point here.

We saw how some people are putting their families above all else. You thought these people are overreacting. You thought that people should sometimes put their ambition first, or their romantic love, or their hobbies first. Anything but FAMILY. Why is that? Because they thought that chances for other things don’t come always. And why should you give too much priority to your family when they will ALWAYS AND STILL BE THERE after you are done pursuing other matters in your life? Yes, that thought is predictable. I once had that kind of thought too. But here I am, mending my ways and I want to spread this news to all of you.

Sometimes we got too obsessed with our lovers or certain friends that keep us excited – to the extent that we forget our family for a while. Maybe because you thought they will ALWAYS BE THERE. Imagine when you were alone and very lonely, hoping that at least one special person would ring or SMS you and make you smile again. You waited and waited like forever, to no avail. You felt so devastated. You felt like nobody wanted or loved you. Nobody is thinking about you. They might be very busy enjoying their own lives. You waited for the whole day and your phone never rings. Finally, your phone rang. You looked at the screen, it’s either your DAD or MOM. That little magic would tell you that when you get so obsessed with your relation with other people, they don’t actually care or think about you that much. In fact, they don’t even think you’re worthy of a single SMS or call – And when this thing happens again and again- it’s always your Mom and Dad who keep appearing on the phone screen. That time, you would realize that thought you are so fond of abandoning them from your priority, they never abandon you. My point is – FAMILY IS THE BEST COMPANION YOU HAVE in this life.

This is my most important point in this post. Please read. The most loss that you can ever be responsible for is when you choose NOT to be with your family, thinking that they will always be there for you. You are too busy pursuing your career, and when you are done and ready to go back to your root, you realize that your full happy family isn’t full anymore. You might have lost the BEST figures in your family along the way. Then you look at their pictures, you realize that “How come I have not spent so much time with them when they are still here?”

You guys know that since I was in secondary school, I lived away from home. I know what I’m talking about. I wasn’t a family person – even my friends thought so. I enjoyed being away from home actually. I thought I got my freedom. I was right. But I shouldn’t be too obsessed about it. It brought me only nothing much. But until last Christmas, finally I got to spend the Christmas nite eating together with my family. That time I realize that NO WONDER I never felt happy during my Christmas. I never realized that spending time together, eating and laughing, watching each other’s face – is actually the moments that make your heart smiling. That moment, I felt so silly to never spend all the Christmas experiencing that moment. It’s only with them that I get to experience the FULLNESS like never before. There’s nothing like family bond.

My readers… If you have a choice to be near your family, DO IT. Don’t opt to stay away from family just because you think you want to prove something or be a hero. NO. Unless it’s an obligation, then maybe you have to go with a heavy heart. This world is just temporary. Don’t miss your chance to “look” at your family, WHO ARE the people in it and HOW they look like. These people LOVE you regardless your looks, wealth and manners. And THEY DON’T LAST FOREVER. They are also like you. Their lives are only temporary. YOU MUST…YOU MUST…experience this FAMILY that God gave you.

It’s one of the greatest pleasures we can give ourselves. Trust me.

You Can Lose A Friend and get a replacement anytime. But You can never substitute your family for anyone ever. Family Should Come First.

NOTE: That’s why when I heard someone is always finding the excuse to work miles away from home, or pursue studies overseas when they can do it here – I always PITY them. Cos your family susah senang, sakit sihat, u langsung tidak tau. U tidak nampak bila dorang melompat kegirangan bila dapat satu kejayaan, or you tidak dapat ketawa dengar joke dorang yg paling funny. Teda orang pernah bagitau sia ni semua. But now sia bagitau u guys so you now know. Diorang ni la HARTA kita yg tidak boleh ditukar ganti.

A Call To, "Slow Down, You Twofivesix[256]!"

Semalam I got a signal from my brother Jojon, that maybe I got too hard on my writing. It keeps on getting heavier each day. Terus kedapatan yang my mind is working overtime. He cakap, “Kadang2 kalau pikiran ni simple, hidup lebih mudah.” Mimang all over again, I sedar my kelemahan. If brains give me kelebihan, mungkin juga itu yg give me kelemahan.”Talampau kana pakai sudah ba kepala utakmu tu,” bilang abangku si Jojon. *Lols.But then, I don’t call him brother for nothing. He’s right. But I’m sure, he doesn’t want me to change because of him also. He wants me to think of the best way to settle from here, by letting me know that maybe instead of me telling others that “Hey, I think you take it too hard on yourself”, I actually should say that to myself too. Sometimes I take it too hard on life subjects that I have not even been there yet, and for him who has been there, he knows better that Life Is No Bed of Roses. Yes, another thing that he emphasized during the brainwash yesterday. Hehe, (Yes laling, I call it, The Brainwash). Yes, Maybe I Expect too much from this life. Maybe I should read again one of the articles I posted yesterday that, sometimes our expectation is not realistic – and I proudly say that I should get a taste of that lesson for myself too. Yes, I won’t change my way of writing. Eventhough sometimes I get too hard and tough on the subjects. All I need to do is to “find balance” and I will try to not let you readers get drown in deep thoughts that you might not spare energy for. Let’s go for something lighter. Short thoughts that comes from intriguing ideas. I want to try it once in a while. To My Bro…if you don’t sayang me, you won’t advice me. And if I don’t sayang you, I won’t take your advice in a good way. And the good news – we sayang each other, that’s why. *Lols. (Bersinar ba mata si ulal ku terus.) Hahahahahahaha. Okay, let’s settle for something lighter once in a while. Bear with me guys. Thanks.

P/S – I perasan2 ja pikir my brother JoJon is among my blog's biggest fans. *Lols.

My 2008 Christmas Experience

Christmas Tree

I set up this Christmas a month earlier. A Christmas tree is A MUST to bring the Christmas mood. Like what I told some of my friends, the keyword is LOVELY. Anyway, I don't put much effort in decoration this year. As long as it looks good enough, that's all that matters.

Christmas Mass (Eve)

All the years before, we sometimes came too late that sometimes we got to stand the whole mass. This year, we set the record for being the first one to enter the church yard. We almost thought the church didn’t have a mass because there was NO one there other than us. Than you imagine how early we got there. *giggles. We were so happy because we got to sit where we wanted and the choir was pretty good too. Most importantly, the Father gave a very good sermon that made me think so so deep. Thanks for the sharing, Father. It gave a lot of meaning to my Christmas.

Christmas SMS

As soon as I got in the car after the mass and turned on my phone, the SMS started to come in. I was like, wow…is this a sms marathon or what? I read each SMS and I didn’t reply right away. I told my sister that I would reply after getting the 15^th Christmas wish through SMS. I got confused because there are numbers that I don’t recognise – thanks to my lost phone. They could be an old friend, customer or relatives…who knows? I usually demand to know who the sender of the sms before I reply so I know what to reply. Anyway, if anyone of you who sent me sms and didn’t get a reply, I’m really sorry. I must have lost you from my phonebook! Try sms me again this New Year and don’t forget to include your name, okay? Muahsss…thanks anyway!

Christmas Cake

This is only the normal fruit cake with fresh cream. I didn’t like it that much because I was more to chocolate. Anyway, thank God we have a cake for Christmas!

Christmas Dinner

After a day at home eating many kinds of foods, we had very less space for another big dinner. It was a big dinner because the foods taste good to our tongue but we really couldn’t take them anymore after a few servings. Luckily “tapau-ing” is very common in the restaurant so they tapau the foods for us. We brought with us 6 tapau with 2 containers of shark fins soup.

Christmas Gift

This is the kind of gift that someone would give me if the person knows WHAT I LIKE. *Lols. It must be cute and maybe funny too…something that tickles me from inside. This is one of the gifts that I like the most for this Christmas. And the best thing about this is that let it be damn cute and I don’t care how cheap it costs!! I will still love it so so much! *giggles.

My Conclusion:

Guys…I think I’m getting closer to the MEANINGFUL CHRISTMAS that I always wish for. Honestly speaking, all the Christmas before, I tried so so hard to make the Christmas a happy one, but I always failed. I always ended up feeling so empty and thought that my Christmas was over before it even began.

This year…I discover a few things…

We don’t have to try so so hard to make sure the Christmas is going to be a happy day cos the more you try, the higher your expectation is, and that’s how you get farther from reaching it. You can’t force happiness to appear cos happiness is NOT a material that you can touch or buy. It’s felt by the heart and after all, happiness is a DECISION..

This Christmas, I initially cared so much about the superficial things – clothes, hairdo etc. I did it for me because I wanted to feel good about myself. But I don’t put too much thoughts on them on how they can affect my Christmas. I was really letting loose of myself from the expectation to get the best Christmas. I just went with the flow and enjoy what was in front of me. And I can tell you that, as I am writing this, I have this delight inside my heart. The simple Christmas that I mostly spent watching a few Christmas movies on Hallmark channel, eating the favourite dish that I would cook on normal days, took a short nap and had chats and laughs with my family – YES, you get me. “The little time that shared with the family” is what brought the delight that I almost couldn’t explain. Taking pictures and commenting on each other’s clothes, exchanging jokes and teases, and most importantly, THE TIME THAT YOU GUYS CAN SPEND LAUGHING TOGETHER.

Realising ONCE AGAIN that you have these wonderful people with you is actually the magical moments that can happen anytime IF YOU CARE enough to appreciate their presence in your life. The people who never leave your side even during the hard times when your own bestfriend or lover dumped you for the silliest reason. THEY ARE THE BLESSINGS in our lives.

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS and you will experience LOVE and if you can do all those, the magic will unfold itself to you and before you know, that HAPPINESS is already happening inside you.

It's The Thoughts That Count...

I’m wishing everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS and to all the Christians, don’t forget to attend your Christmas mass, okay?

By the way, have you guys bought something for your loved ones? Remember, Christmas is a season to share blessings so why not spare a little of the fruit of your labour? If you can throw a nice party, then do it!

As for me, we won’t be having a Christmas party this year since that we are celebrating it at a different house this year and imagine the hassles of cleaning the house after the party. Well, that shouldn’t be an excuse right? Anyway, my mom bought hampers to give to her siblings since that we don’t have party we used to have every year. My family and I will be celebrating our Christmas dinner at a particular restaurant.

As far as Christmas gifts are concerned, remember that IT’S THE THOUGHTS THAT COUNT. Give from the heart and you’ll feel happier than the person who you give the gifts to. That’s the magic lies in the hands that give. Anyway, I took a snap of the gifts I bought for my family. I should have bought 5 gifts but since my first brother won’t be at our home this Christmas, so I ony bought 4.

Again, wishing everyone A WONDERFUL AND BLESSED CHRISTMAS and remember, it’s the thoughts that count. Make someone happy and you’ll be twice happier. See ya guys around ya. Muahsss.

The Lost Of The Very Pearl

Reflect this: Remember the loved ones who have left us.

Christmas is around the corner. I miss that feeling of excitement. I miss that feeling of anticipation. Why…why does it feel so empty this Christmas? I remember for all the years before, when I asked my parents about where to do our Christmas party, and when to do it…I asked it with a lot of delights in my heart. The fact that I am the one who my parents can rely the most when it comes to our family party, I have my own source of delights to be happy to take that responsibility. But why…why does it feel so different this year?

I don’t have to look far for the answer. I know it already. Suddenly my heart is feeling so heavy right now. I now remember clearly what caused my heart jumping with excitement thinking of what to cook for Christmas and how would I decorate our house. My heart was delighted cos I knew someone would be saying something nice about how the house was decorated. I was delighted because I knew someone was going to eat what I cook and at least made me feel good when she ate certain dishes more than the others cos it would be the sign that she loved those foods. It was the feeling that I always had for all the Christmas before this. Although she thought that she was not loved and not cared enough, then explain to me why I’m feeling such a big lost when she was not anymore around to do all that. I promise that she won’t have to say anything good to make me feel happy…just by seeing her cute smiling face walking towards our door was actually the only thing that explained why all of us are feeling so joyful inside.

God showed us the miracle 2 years ago. I still remember my mom came from the hospital telling us that the doctor asked us “to prepare for the worst” that we were going to lose our grandma. My heart skipped a beat. I remember shouting in my heart, “No!!! I’m not ready yet! Anybody is not ready yet to. No, we can’t lose her. ” I remember praying to God in our journey to the hospital.

“God, please don’t take grandma yet. She’s only starting to know You. Please give her time to know You well and experience Your love in her life as a new Christian. We are very sorry for not doing our best to be the people that should care and love her. Please let this be a lesson for everyone especially her own children so that they can do something to make her feel more loved and appreciated. Please give us the time to make up for all our mistakes. We promise to love her more and make her happy. Please have mercy on us Lord. Have pity on us and please give grandma more time to experience the beauty of this life that You give us.” God listened to my prayer. The next day, my grandma was conscious again. It was a miracle. I believe that everyone prayed so much for her recovery. God does listen to our prayers, people.

Were 2 years enough? It should be. We don’t need a damn 2 years to show our love and care for the people we love. We don’t need to wait until the person’s last breathe to tell her that we love her. But God gave us 2 years to make up for all the things we should make up for, like I said in my prayers. God gave a perfect life to my grandma after the incident that nite. She woke up like she never had gotten sick. She laughed and smiled like she had been healthy forever. She even asked my mom, “How was I the nite I passed out?” (She didn’t even remember, people.) And we were almost scared to death of losing her.

Did everybody do their best to make up for things we should have shown our grandma? Like it or not, we have this weakness that we don’t know how much we have until we lost it. We take things for granted until things are gone. God took my grandma for good at the time when we were so busy with our daily things; we didn’t get to say the prayer we said the last time. Why did we have to wait until the critical moment to say the most devoted and meaningful prayer? The last time, my grandma was taken by ambulance while she was unconscious. This time, my grandma requested to be sent to the hospital because she was feeling so restless at home and thought even the hospital bed was a better place for her since that everybody was so busy with their own lives. Did we think that we have forever to make up for our mistakes? God showed to us that He could give us forever, but if He gives forever, we want something much longer than forever. Maybe we are never grateful of we what have. We have to change in this regard, people. WE HAVE TO! Stop right there and PLEASE PLEASE appreciate WHOEVER, WHATEVER that we have in our lives NOW! Don’t wait until we are that close of losing them, cos sometimes we don’t have a second chance like we had when we were losing our grandma for the first time. Even after the second chance, still we were not doing our best to appreciate her. WE COULD HAVE DONE MORE AND MUCH BETTER.

Now we realize it much more that life would never be the same again WITHOUT her. It has been months after she left us, and we get on with our lives anyhow. But now that Christmas is approaching…I really feel her lost. Why I feel like I have no one to show off my new clothes anymore? Why I feel that I don’t feel the hype of dancing together anymore? Because she’s not there to see it all. No more shines from her eyes that tell a thousand things from her little heart – Grandma, I don’t mind if you tell me that you don’t like my loose pants, I don’t mind if you say my make-up doesn’t match my complexion, I don’t mind if you say I put on weight, or my cooking is not that tasty… I really don’t mind. I want you to know that I really really miss you. And Thanks for letting me bake your birthday cake on your big birthday party 2 years ago. Without you insisting me, I’m afraid I won’t have given you anything meaningful your whole life. Thanks For Being My Grandma and now that you’re with God, I know He will take care of you much much better than we could have ever done.