Tuesday, August 28, 2012

He, The Way I Like It And Why...

Yeah, attraction can just happen spontaneously. But most don’t last long. It can get so heated up really quick and gets cold just as quick. Can you explain? I never try to explain why. I just let it uncover on its own. I just watch as things slowly show their worth in my life. I saw how things are getting my extraordinary attention, but just for a short while. You realize that it’s not worth keeping. Somehow I thank God for it because I don’t wish to waste more time on things that don’t matter. 

Then there he is. Always there regardless the little unknown thing that was going on before. What he knows is he’s always there, putting himself in the zone that is prepared for him. Sometimes I wonder if he does get tired. Me being a person that is not so easy to handle, he has all the reason why he just can lose the fire any sooner than expected. But looks like he has his way of handling it. I saw that he means it all this time. He does. 

 And then…I realize something more. I notice that his specialty is that he doesn’t Burden me the way others do. He wants to be the one who gives attention instead of just getting mine. He wants to be the one who listens more than I do listen to him. He let me talk everything I want, even if he’s too sleepy, he’ll let me cos he wants me to know that he has ears for all that and more. Although he could not spare so much thought on every single words and I have all the right to nag and sulk – but in my own limited wisdom, I just feel his sincerity more than anything else. I feel that after all said and done, he actually treats me the way I always want to be treated. Some guys don’t get it. 

They might come to me cos they think I am the most reliable person around. They like to make me their confidante. Their counselor, and they want so much to tell me a lot of things so that I can feel how important I am to them. They want to remind me how special and talented and rare I am, that they keep highlighting it to me. They can even tell me again and again how attractive can I be in some guys eyes – just because of the so called rare qualities. Yeah, if u were in my place u can imagine how flattered u’d be. But then, coming to this point of my life, I wonder if it’s what I want. I don’t know if it matters to get people flattering me for the good things – and feel needed – and feel useful – Somehow I want to take a break. I realize that I’m not a Superwoman. I wonder if they think it’s cool for me to be doing all that.

Yeah, I’m glad that I do something for others. Just to be their ears mean a lot to them. But as a woman, I do want to be, simply a woman to a man. A woman who is fragile and whose heart need to be taken care of, instead of me taking care of his heart all the time. Now I get it…Now I know. This man does it exactly what I like and it took some time before I notice. He’s the only man who doesn’t make me feel like “an idol” that he can only admire from a distance, and think that I’m untouchable and that he can just watch from afar. No, he’s not. He’s determined that he can grab me and hold me like a man holds his someone dear. He makes me feel like a mortal human. That he can say something and hurt me and make me cry, and he doesn’t judge me by my tears. 

Now I know why he’s earns that space. I just cant explain it for such a long time. But I just let him occupy that space in my life. And I think he doesn’t expect too much from me. That’s one of his winning points. Cos others just put this kind of expectation that I know I can never achieve and will judge me for every wrong move just to unreign me from being a benchmark. I never want to be a benchmark in the first place. Why make me one? This is the thing that most guys don’t get it. But him…he just comes and he doesn’t need a guideline. He just does his things and only today I know he’s been doing all things right. He gives me comfort to be myself. I can just go ahead and play the lil girl and he will get entertained. He will let me. He will not need anymore proof that I am as smart as he used to think I am. He has done judging me for a long time. 

Now I know…Now I know… I can never think this post is as important as it is. But it is important. Cos never before that I put it so right into words The Way I Like It and Why. He just defines it all for me. Thanks, you are the man :) 

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Am I Forgiven?

My mind wanders at one chapter of my past. It doesn’t matter who I have become today, still my past is always part of me. No matter how many things I have shared with people, how many people I have helped with my words, and how many hearts I have soothed just by lending my ears – Still… I did some big mistake in the past. Whether I was fully or half conscious what I was doing that time. At the time when life was generous to me, I remember feeling grateful but how on earth I could take certain decision that was almost heartless and so out of this world; judging from my rationality. Was that even me? I browsed around Facebook and saw the page of my ex. He is using his full name so I bet he doesn’t mind to be discovered. My little thought said to me that he might consider the possibility that I might just come across his Fb and find out that he’s still alive – and yes, he’s having a good life. 

 I remember when things didn’t work out between us – how I have hurt this man so badly. The kind of hurt that he didn’t deserve to get. A man like him is just so rare. He’s really the type who will not have 2 ladies in his life. Just one and only one. Never once that I ever felt jealous – and what I did to him was totally the opposite. Whether he didn’t trust me enough or I did deserve the doubt. I was really different back then. I enjoyed having a relationship, but I didn’t want more than that. Whether I was not ready or maybe I thought he was not the man for me. I remember feeling so happy but why I couldn’t see him more than a loving boyfriend. I noticed his effort of keeping me happy and excited. I did realise feeling so much appreciation towards this man. And he was not just there to waste my time cos he really wanted us to be more than that – but why was I not ready for that. I let him wait too long just because I could not make my mind. I thought that I would be ready but I could not. Eventhough I have my sets of reasons why, still, he didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I broke his heart so badly. I just couldn’t be the lady of his life. This is how I understand why some women break their man’s heart by refusing to take it further. It just didn’t feel right back then. I could foresee that I won’t be happy with him in the long run. I wonder if I was too selfish. But didn’t I have the right to decide what’s best for me? STILL, he didn’t deserve that pain. Not from someone he thought was “The One” made for him. I deserved crying and traumatized by all this. I deserve having my tears falling from the pain of breaking his heart. I deserved feeling sorry and crushed. I just couldn’t get it why I didn’t just simplify the story and accepted his proposal. I would be a good ending for a mutual relationship. I could slap myself for that mistake, but still I knew I was deciding the best for me that time. 

Now that time has passed, he has moved on. I don’t know what he felt when I told him I WAS SO HAPPY that he found someone else. He never talked to me after that, ever. I thought I hurt him again cos he wanted me to feel hurt instead of happy. He wanted me to feel his pain so he put his relationship status and wife’s name for public to see, so I could click the wife’s profile too. I wonder if any one of my assumptions was right. As I browsed some pictures (which I thought are purposely made public), I could see his happy face with his spouse. I felt so relieved. I hope those are genuine and not just cover up. I remember praying to God so he could have a happy life after my episode. I have this guilt for so long already. Maybe I have received my punishment too. Not to mention how long I was being emotionless and unprepared for another relationship after him. I’VE DONE MY TIME RIGHT? Now free me from this guilt. I believe that he and I were not meant to be. I hope he has forgiven me completely cos it’s my turn to move on :) The right person at the right time. Maybe he was not destined to be with me. 



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