Hello, I Am Imperfectionist, and You?

Of all the time I thought I was a perfectionist, it turns out that I am totally the opposite? Hahaha. Ask me how I find out! 

I saw that the world is getting more competitive everyday. People find competition in almost every aspect of life. A perfectionist should be part of that, right. Cos it should be easier to win when you have it all set at a good level. But apparently I have less desire to compete. Maybe I hate losing, but who doesn't? I guess there's something else. I just quit getting approval. Having a perfectionist mental but far from being perfect, is already a torture. Aging makes me realize more and more that - I want to happily be ME!

It's not possible if I keep competing. What if what's good for them is not what I want. What if I don't care if I'm prettier or sexier, or smarter. Then why should I try so hard? Competing means I am trying to be at someone's level, when I don't necessarily desire it. I have figured out what are the things that I want. At the same time, I will have to live with a few facts that I am always imperfect no matter how hard I try. Not everyone will like me, or accept me, no matter what I do, or no matter how good I can become.

Me and all my imperfections, what should I do with them? Should I beat them and get rid of them? Maybe I could do something about it. But it ain't free. It gonna cost me a lot of fun and comfort from my life and you tell me I'm doing it all for other people? No Way. That's why, I have decided to just be an Imperfectionist instead!!! I am gonna make peace with my imperfection, not because I can't improve, but I have decided, I will never gonna impress people, their way. I'm not gonna do what they like, not gonna dress how they want me to, I'm not gonna get their affection by some angelic acts that I never have to begin with!! 

You know what the fun part of this? I want to keep the fakers away. I don't want to conspire with the wrong people to manipulate virtues just to be in my life - just for me to find out that they are not worth it. I only want the right people to be here. The people who will accept me just this way, without me having to show my best yet. Call that some lessons I get from life. So have you decided something similar? Time to figure it out! :))

Does KARMA care?

Karma. We hear this word a little too often sometimes. Well, does the Bible mention anything about Karma? I don't think so. In fact, I first hear this word, related to Hindu. But this word has been accepted by others from different religion too, as a general word to refer to the cycle of - What goes around comes around - or What you give, you get back. 

In my case, it happened before that Karma happened on me immediately after I did something bad. Maybe it was coincidence but I just knew it was karma because what happened to me was kinda related to what I did. If I laughed at people for something that they wore, then I was laughed at shortly after that. Right away I knew that it was Karma. Or at least I thought so. I didn't know the word Karma was back then. I just knew that if I did something wrong, I must be punished. Sound a bit scary there.

What about now? After so many years living this life. Have I stopped believing? Nope. It's not the word, but it's the Cycle. Like it or not, I still prefer to believe it. Cos it is like a -police- that will fine me if I ever do bad. Does it mean that I never do anything bad now? Wrong. I still sin everyday, but At Least, I don't sin out of cruelty. If I make someone sad, it's not my intention. It's just my weakness that disallow me to become kinder or more polite just like what people expect. Who is the executor of Karma? Is it God? Probably right? But I always bear in mind that God has so much love for us, I rather say that it's the system that God creates to give us lesson so that we learn and be nicer. 

This year alone, I associate with people - who made me wonder if they know Karma. Do they hear anything about it, at least? Seriously, I doubt they do. Cos they wouldn't dare to do what they did - like running away with someone's money and never complete the deal. I did my best to - think positive - till the end. Till they completely destroyed the doubt and made sure that they actually did it fully consent and with intention. I still could not believe that anyone, who live to an adult age, can still act like that. Call me a child. I seriously can't believe. I officially have not seen much of the world, right?

Somehow, I move on and look ahead. I have a little concern. In fact, I'm kind worried that Karma gets to them in the way they have to deal twice the trouble they caused me. I'm afraid they couldn't handle it. I don't wish for anything bad to happen to these people, at the same time I also don't want them to think it's okay to do it. I only hope that God will send them some lesson, but may they not suffer - only learn. The question to ask is - Does Karma care what the victim thinks? What if Karma doesn't then it will continue to torture these people until they regret. 

Yes or no, can we please Not victimize people with the evil of our flesh? If it's so hard, at least think of KARMA. "Do not do to others what you do not others to do to you". Lets start fresh today. Lets clean the karma with good deeds. Lets clean the karma with making up for our mistakes. On the way, we surely make God happy. Amen to that. :))

Why Must I Fear?

Hello guys! I miss you guys too. Pardon me for being away from blogging for quite a while. I'm always around but I often missed the chance to blog. Here I am again!

The question is, Why Must I Fear? They say, Fear is the absence of Faith. But what about those who actually have faith, and know exactly what they believe, in one divine God, that is. So, does that mean these so-call faithfuls can't or shouldn't have fear? Or by having fear, is their faith not real?

Let me get this straight. The older I get, the more fears I have. Not to mention the existing ones. Fear of heights, and now I think I'm starting to get phobias - because the more we know about this world, the more fragile we are. I start to miss the younger days when I did not have the knowledge about so much filth of this world. The world is just more than just uncertainties, it's just out of this galaxy kind of uncertainties. I wish I could pick which part of the world I want to know and remember. The crimes that people do, greed, inhumane, insanity, I am not sure anymore if there's really anything that can reverse all that. But then, don't we have God? Yes we have. Is God enough? Yes, He is. But why do we still fear? I think I have the answer.

My faith is one thing. I believe in God. I believe that He listens, He protects, He gives mercy and He guides. He does all that, and He will not abandon the believers. But I also believe that God gives us power to decide what to do with our lives. Remember the times when we did so many mistakes and they happened anyway? Despite getting guidance from God, we still very much listen to our flesh instead of our spirit. Or even if we try so hard to get guided by our good conscience, things can still go wrong. God certainly let things happen as a consequences from our decision. And He certainly will let us make the mistakes, no matter how many times - as long as we decide to still make that mistake. So you understand where Fears have place around Faith? The fear that we still got it wrong, whether we are led by our desire or God just purposely wants us to learn. That's why, despite my faith, my fears are still around. As a matter of fact, my fears are bothering me everyday. I wish they could just go away. I still believe that I am lacking in the kind of faith that really can make all the fears go away. Lets just put it that way for now.

Somehow, it's just worse without the presence of Faith. I accept this as a learning process. Looking at the brighter side of it, I must have my battles to keep growing. Once I can overcome this, I will know why God allows them to be in my life for now. It's with them that I will watch my steps closely, that I will never feel safe without God's protection. In fact, my fears make me rely on Him much more than before. Guys, if you face the same thing, pick that road with God in it. We'll be safe anyway...:))

And That's What Maturity Is...

I come across positive people in my life, a lot of them, that I often only hear words of encouragements, compliments, good feedbacks- despite my not so perfect self, despite my not so perfect works, they managed to highlight only the good things in my memory. 

I seldom come across customers who give me a hard time. The last time was years ago. Heated argument, which caused by my mistake, but approved by her - and then I ended up to be the person who had to pay. Maybe we do need bitter experiences, or really tough customers to really come clean with our acts. Imagine that, years after that, which is recently, I have another heated argument with a customer, which is all about the same mistake that I did years ago. Many times that I did this mistake but it was always tolerated and forgiven. Not this time. This time I really have to face the music. 

Considering the losses that I have to bear, and the attitude of trying to find someone to share the blame with, no matter how rational I am, but the customer actually highlighted that - as someone who is sitting in my chair, I could Not make a single mistake. Not someone with my kind of experience. So I tried to resist taking the blame, until...I had to come to a silent moment seeking for God's assistance. I only asked for peace to have the wisdom to see the solution, and the puzzle was shortlived. I got my answer immediately. 

Suddenly I don't care about the losses anymore. I said I only wanted to fix this, get this over and done with, I said that no matter if I feel that I was "bullied" and "victimized" trying to bear all the cost without seeking a bit of responsibility from anyone who have led me to that mistake, I step up and champion that mistake by taking all the responsibility. 

I am naturally stubborn and hard-headed. As long as I can find reason winning, I don't think I deserve losing. So being me, if I have to go against that, I am tempted to just hate the person who puts me in that trouble, but instead of doing that, God let me see that this person is just another human who is trying to do something right. Then I'm reminded that humans are all kind to begin with. We just don't know them enough to love them. So I give my customer the benefit of the doubt and reward myself the peace. Yes, I am going to handle this right. For this Lenten season, I feel it's so timely to do the right thing, instead of being right. 

Thank you Lord for always being there for me :)

Show Them It's First Class

I am not a good salesperson. I can never talk someone down to buy something. So it's far from my qualification to advise someone in this field. But a customer, who is doing this job, is having big trouble with his way of thinking. He keeps assuming that his work is not good enough, so his customer might give him a lot of trouble. It's just so wrong.

Out of nowhere, I came up with some advice. "You can't let yourself do that, you know? What you have in your hand now is A FIRST CLASS work, don't walk and talk like it's Not. If you only have half the confidence that you are submitting the first class work, don't expect that your customer will think of it any higher than that. If you speak with your voice shaking, your customer might think there's really something wrong with your work, no matter how good it is. They'll find the reason why you are not confident and find fault in your work. That's psychology, man. You gotta learn that. You are dealing with another human, who have errors, who are careless too, so if you are slack a bit, forgive yourself. You can still bring with you this first class work and everyone will like it because it's that damn good."

There are things you don't learn in classroom. You learn from meeting with people. You can't help but pick a bit of lesson from everyone and the next thing, you know how to use psychology to get the better side of them. 

That's how they know that you might not do it perfectly, but they will still like it. The next time this guy comes, I will know if he learns it or not. I'm sure sooner or later, he will...:)) 

How An Apology Saved My Day

It was just a normal day until I got a call from my customer, using a high tone of voice, saying her dissatisfaction about the timing I set for her to pick up her order. I was quite shocked because I totally forgot that I actually agreed to the time that she has set a few days earlier. Oh gosh. It felt like getting caught redhanded doing something embarrassing. That's the feeling. So I kept my cool anyway, asking her, "So what time you can come?" She said, "4 PM". I straight away answered, "Okay, no problem." I don't think it helps if I try to compromise so I rather not. If she'd say 5 or 6, I'd comply. I tried to undo the damage I've done.

When she came, I saw her face. I knew she was mad. The first thing I said was, "I'm really really sorry for all the troubles." It was when she used a lower tone to speak to me. I tried to cover myself too by saying "If only I knew the timing was so crucial for you, I would make it happen. If only someone reminded me earlier." She agreed right away. I deserved some scolding too because I forgot something I have agreed. This is not so normal, but it was a really busy week for me. I had to forgive myself.

I don't suggest that you fake your apology to get away from someone's tantrum, No, you have to mean it. Your ego isn't important. Nothing else is more important in that very moment, except for your apology. I humbled myself, and something told me that she wasn't a bad person herself. All she needed to hear is that word Sorry. So in the end, she smiled - followed by my breath of relief. Thank you God!

Note: As long as you are dealing with another human being, chances are the person knows what it's like to be in your place and will consider your circumstances. They will accept your sorry.

Did You Just Waste Your Answered Prayer?

Have you ever been in a situation where you prayed hard for something. Which looked impossible at first, but with your big faith, again, you've seen the magic. Finally God gave it to you. But...

After a while, you realize that it's not enough. You're thankful, but things can be better. You can have it with better specifications and details. But what you get is just -- simply what you prayed for.

I am not the person who experienced this. I am a person who sees a friend with this experience. I tried to study his situations on why he did not accept the answered prayer the way he should.

I don't mean to be judgmental, but this is my finding. I wish it was something else, but it's purely LACK OF GRATEFULNESS. He could use his situation to heighten his life to a new level, but he chose to be coward and back out from his own wish that has been answered. I did my part as a friend to help him see that, but I guess some people just don't have that much courage in them. They are not a fighter enough to give a good fight to their situation. They become a fighter today, and a loser tomorrow, Just like that. I am nobody to speak like I am a fighter my whole life. Nope. I was a failure for so many times. But to be here today is part of my good fight, so I know what it feels like to be at the edge of backing out. I was almost there too BUT to be here today is because I beat that loser in my that time. 

Living is not easy, right, we all know it. Sometimes we don't know what we should do when we face difficulties. It's pity if you don't know what you want, to begin with. You can wonder at it at 17, but as you get older, you should find out about it already. You should have solved some part of the puzzle already. If we are always torn between our Godly desire and our fleshly desire, if you turn your back on an answered prayer, you know you are answering to which desire. We can't play childish to our prayers that we want this today, and we want that tomorrow when we get what we ask for. If we don't give our best shot at solving our current situation, that means that's not God's problem for answering your prayer, it's your problem for not doing your best. 

Come back to God during your difficult times. He has done much greater things, including creating this universe, He can help you out. Don't be a loser yet. As many of us would agree, our success begins with an answered prayer. Know its value and show your gratefulness towards it. Do not give up on it unless we give our best fight. Please... :)

God Bless.

My Conscience, The 7th Year! Never Retire, You Bloggers!

Hi peeps. Thanks for still checking out from time to time. Hope it's not too late to wish Happy New Year to you all, my dear readers. I read some of your comments, and I'm surprised that some of the topics I wrote actually did help some of you on a few issues. I may not reply to the comments yet but I read them. Thanks a lot and hope to see you more often, yeah, you may read silently but do keep my blog close to your heart. Hehe.

Guess what? My blog is turning 7 this year. 7, my favourite single number ( my fav 3-number you already know what...haha. Clue: My nick!) And I'm still around watching my blog closely, despite not having to update it frequently. Again and again I'm so thankful that I went blogging-crazee on the first year of blogging that I blogged everyday!! It was fun doing it when I was still so fired up and excited about having a place where I could write and share! Despite all this, if you notice, sometimes I write something with the thought that I am the only one who is gonna read that. Just when you wished I was more thoughtful, more watchful with my words - aha, those were the posts I totally sunk in my own world. Shame on me yeah...hahahaha

I notice that a lot of my blogger friends are not anymore actively writing their blogs. Some of them have actually announced their retirement from blogging world. It made me wonder, why would anyone actually "retire" from blogging? I mean, is blogging a task you do out of force? Or a painful season you must endure that you can't wait to walk out from it? My oh my, that's not the case, is it? To me, you do not have to announce retirement from blogging unless you gonna leave internet forever, which I don't think you would. It's just like a hobby that you can always go to, since it only requires you to type and not more physical than that. It won't hurt your muscles, I swear. Hahaha. So, why retire? Just take a break and feel free to come back. 

If you ask me, I am still in love with my babyblog My Conscience, cos I can never possibly say goodbye to writing as long as I am still alive, and still have these two marvellous hands to help me do it. Let me wish something for that matter. I wish that I will blog more this year, no matter how busy I am, I want to write more! Lets see if I can make it happen or not. Hehe. Thanks guys. Bear with me.

Love,

256 

"Not That I Didn't Try"

I've been observing this one personality - been following his updates and stuff. From the way he behaves in his Ig, I can tell that he is not the friendly type. He pick friends and he can't pretend to be in good terms with everyone he knows. So I read that he's said to be boasty, arrogant and doesn't mix with people. Work wise, he's very talented. But outside set, how much can a person act to be someone he isn't? 

I somehow relate to his situation - the part where "not that I don't try, but I'm born like this."  I've been in the situation where I constantly try to be what I think people like me to become. It was damn tiring. It felt good to be liked for that. But how far can I go becoming that person? I can't. I got tired and let it be. Maybe I just understand myself better, and I learn to accept my nature. Being called sombong is nothing new to me, but I just know, it's because we don't have the chance to know each other in a comforting manner. Maybe our roads don't cross, maybe we just never bump and have quality talks. I'm glad that the community where I work, they don't spend too much time judging. They have reached an understanding that, if I behave in a way - I might have something going on, and whatever I do, if anyone get hurt, they know I don't mean it. My ignorance can sometimes be a bit rude, but they know I am not a bad person. Maybe that's good enough for me. I still can't expect them to talk only good things about me, just as long as they know I don't bother their live with my problems. They can rest assured I won't disturb their privacy, and I'm much into my own things that I don't even have that space to badmouth about them. So these people, have accepted me this way. If you think I don't want to be better than this, I do. Who doesn't want to be called all the good names? But it feels better to just be this way, despite the fact that you won't be that likable. That's why some people just insist to do it their way, and lose many friends. That's why, I stop hoping too much that everyone will like me, but at least, if one day they can accept me, understand me, and still find a way to respect me, I hope I will have the chance to personally thank them for that. 

So when you meet someone who is not friendly and hard to approach, remember that deep inside them, they do wish they can be everything you expect, and I'm sure they tried it before and they decided they rather just be themselves. Yeah :)

"The Shop Of My Dream"

Are you one of those who dream of owning a really lovely shop where you can decorate it with all the lovely furniture, paint it with your favourite colours, and imagine having people going in the shops buying things you sell. When I look at some of these lovely eateries in town, that thought crossed my mind. These people are among those who have the same dream. You totally understand. They way they decorate it, you know it's every favourite items they can think of. The theme, the fabric on the sofa, the colour of the chairs, totally one of the things you normally want in the shop of your dream.

I entered a few of these eateries with that "dream shop" concept. They are really lovely, You gonna love what you see. But...suddenly I wonder, is it enough to just materialize the dream shop into reality, which gonna cost a fortune, but How practical that dream shop is in reality? In reality, you don't have a fairy godmother to magic wand that dream shop to simply appear before your eyes. Some of them sold a land, even work for years to have enough fund to afford that shop. So, do you think you make your dream shop just as an exhibition for people to pass by, to drop by and compliment the shop? Is it enough? IT'S NOT. 

Shop is where you do a business. A business means you expect profit to come from your investment. That investment is gonna be your source of income. That income you gonna use to afford your life necessities as well as your family's. So in reality, a dream shop will be your nightmare if you simply invest without return. Eventually you gonna lose that dream shop to the premis owner when you can't afford the monthly rental. You might gonna lose more when you start sacrificing your asset to save your dream shop. You get my point here? That dream shop must make money to continue to exist!

From my observation, some of these dream shop owners, they think profit with come as long as they manage to make the dream shop come true. When they realize that business is more than just how beautiful their premis is. They don't have enough worker, they simply being hasty about the foods they sell, they don't care if they have a special recipe, they think anything will be good enough as long as the place is lovely. NO. Not true. I sat at one dream shop last weekend and they made the shop so exclusively lovely but they talked to each other like they were at the wet market. They were some non-apron young girls handling the foods and orders, and they were too busy talking and laughing, they forgot the orders. No wonder, they were busy with their phone too. Oh man. The owner sat there talking out loud, bragging about the shop being the loveliest around, and spoke about his plan opening at a bigger premis. But as he was talking, the few customers in the shop were not even served well. Some of the foods arrived half an hour later after we reminded them, they said they didn't know about the order. Goodness!! How?? You plan to open in a bigger premis when you can't even manage a small premis! No, don't do that please. Don't do that to your dream shop. 

I am not here to just criticize, cos I know and I can feel the kind of achievement to finally have your dream shop. But don't stop there. You guys are doing alright, but don't take it lightly whatever the business activities in the shop. That is the "heart" of the dream shop. It is what makes money. It's a big mistake to simply open one and treat it like "a haunted shop" instead. Like this other dream shop I went to, he got NO worker!! He said he would prepare the food alone, and we would have to wait if we order a lot. A beautiful restaurant like that, and he could not even have one assistant! He thought he could run it alone? Oh gosh, don't do that lah! We asked him why he got no worker? He said, not easy to find workers. He was right but he must know about this before he decided to make that restaurant. Don't act like he only learn about some obvious reality in life after spending so much. 

Deep in my heart I hope that they can continue! I want them to continue. I love seeing people achieving their dreams, cos it can inspire me and a lot more other people. But they might just in the learning process, so I hope they won't give up. Please continue building more dreams from that dream shop. May you achieve more and more dreams from there.

Note : I know you have your dream shop too :))