What Can You Expect From A Man?

Had a conversation with a friend (a divorcee with 3 kids), who recently got married secretly to a married man of 3 kids. I wrote about her situation before. Anyway, she just got back from London where the husband was. After she came back to Sabah, the first wife and the 3 kids's turn to go to London. I bet they had no idea that there was a lady who came first before them and stayed at that  same house room with the husband/father.

The guy told my friend to avoid checking out on the first wive's Fb to avoid seeing any happy photos of them that might make her feel unhappy. But my friend still does it. She showed me one pic she took from the first wife's Fb, of a happy family in London, all wearing big smiles. She told me, "Tipu la kalau sia nda jeles".

I told her repeatedly that she has that strength. You seriously have that strength. But she confessed to me that, Everyday she tells herself to not feel bad with her situation, to not feel jealous. But sometimes she fails. It hurts the most thinking that her husband will touch another woman the way that they touch. But then she realizes it was her who comes second. She only saw the husband like once every few months. Because she is the secret wife. He spends most of his time at the first home. But she likes it that she has all the freedom and still have someone to call a husband without doing her wifely duty everyday. In case you wonder why the husband marries another. He claimed that the wife gives all the attentions to the kids and he feels distanced. They no longer share the same bedroom. The wife actually mentioned about divorce but her terms mean the kids must for with her. The guy doesn't want that. 

To my friend, she is number 1 to the husband. She believes when he tells her he never touches the first wife anymore. That he doesn't love her anymore. That they stay married for the kids. Could be true. But when she was at London the other day, she checked his phone and saw a lady's picture that her husband took secretly. Maybe he saw the lady somewhere and he took her candid picture. My friend was so mad. The husband said, it was a friend's friend and all the bla bla bla. Finally he admitted that he took the picture before he liked to see her body shape. My friend was so mad that the husband actually went to his knees to beg for forgiveness.

Our conversation comes to the point, "What can you expect from a man, anyway?" Hahahahaha. I mean, everything comes out from the man's mouth, sometimes they are sweet to hear but you know they are not likely to be true. Sometimes you have to close your eyes and tell yourself all the lies you want to hear. Again, what can you expect from a man? That he will love you alone for the rest of your life? That he will never look at other girls anymore? That's impossible. I think the conversation got her to the hurtful facts. I saw her face changed a few times. Because I kept dropping the honest bombs about men. Sorry to say but if they have 10 girls offering themselves to him, most men will accept all.

I told her, You have chosen to be in his life. You are married to him. To protect yourself, stop checking on his personal belongings. Don't insist to know everything. You will not like what you find out. I'm sure that after this, you will avoid from knowing too much. Because men are not created the same attributes women are created. I mean, we are very much different. Whatever that is wrong for women to do, we can't expect men to think the same. They function differently. They see female - as many things that bring them excitement. They can be a wife, a friend, an entertainment, a good time, and each woman for different task. For them, tt's not wrong for them to feel this way towards women. As for us, we can't do the same because - like I say, we are just born different from men. So they can never be what we dream of because we dream of the impossible. We can never solve this problem of how to make a man stick to one woman only. If we can't accept the way of their creation, we will forever suffer. I tell her to just carry on, focus on the happy points of her life and her choice of being the secret wife to the guy that she loves. No one can tell her that it's wrong. It's her decision and she will find her happiness from there.

If you ask me, I myself still wonder how can a man love his kids but take the mother of the kids for granted? How can a man love more than one woman and still feel and act like he's the most sincere lover in the world? Men don't deserve that much research. Just accept their creation. That's how they are. Full stop. But it doesn't mean we will accept and agree with anything they do. We know how to retaliate but what can men do? Nuthin. LOLS. Men are selfish. They will let the women fight for them and then as long as one of them wins, it's okay for him as long as he's not the losing part. He will still come home with one woman who manages to beat the other. He will never be empty handed. That's good enuff for him. How selfish. But guess what, don't ask them that they will never admit. They will prove you by their act so no sweat. LOLS.

I write this without thinking. If I read this again sometime and regret something, I'll take this down. LOLS. Well, I have to write something in case anybody misses me kan...:PPP Hahahaha

5 Nites In Penang

I went on a 5-nite vacation in Penang started from last week and went back yesterday. I was already planning since July because I wanted it to be worthy for all the money and time spent on it. Teda la lagi sia mau bikin something and waste it. You may get all the money back but not the time. Agree?

So what did I get from the trip this time? That sebaik-baik perancangan, there's no guarantee that it's gonna happen like what you expect it, and then I began asking myself if I was just too perfectionist, or was it all just greed? Sempat lagi sia self-reflect diri sia sendiri, cos everything that didn't go my way made me feel frustrated inside, like it was already incomplete before it was even done. But sia thankful yang sia still rational juga untuk fikir and adjust myself with the uncertainties and possibilities. 

If something doesn't go our way, it doesn't mean we should just bow to it and call it a failure. Why don't we make it a bit more exciting by anticipating better surprises to unfold. It made me think how I handle things in life. Walaupun I hate failure but I was never a stranger to it. Entah berapa kali mistakes yang sia bikin, yg lame, yg repeated, but still sia nda jera pun. Sia masih terus melangkah ke depan. Actually, when I thought I could not take No, I was underestimating myself ja selama ni.

Like this Penang vacation, banyak tempat yg sia mau pegi. Initially, bagi sia, kalau semua tu sia bikin, baru la trip sia successful. Tapi since it was a family trip, we have to adjust to masing2 punya plan juga. Ada yang more to exploring malls and shopping, which to me is a waste of time because malls are nothing new in Sabah pun. Bila pegi state yang top macam Penang ni, jan kita expect di setiap celah pun jauh lagi advance dari tempat kita. In fact, the first shopping mall yg kami pegi di Komtar, I was surprised tengok building yg begitu outdated, reminded me of dulu2 punya building time sia masih kecil. Not sure if it was done purposely since Penang has Unesco World Heritage sites kan, or maybe memang Komtar is among building yg getting old but never gets a makeover sebab it's partly offices of government departments di bahagian atas tu mall. But it was old bahh. Kalau check di google, Komtar sentiasa kena list antara shopping mall yg famous and must visit di Penang. Seriously sia rasa terkejut juga sebab macam sia balik pi zaman sia kecil2, round2 shop yang suasana macam tu. And then Prangin Mall was a bit better. And then Queensbay mall and Gurney Paragon Mall definitely Imago punya standard, which means bukanlah terlampau canggih sampai kita rasa kerdil. We have seen things like that in our beautiful land of Sabah.

One more thing yg sia upset is tempat2 makan yg kena cakap2, kena viral, kena suggest di google and social media, mostly Overrated bah. We went to Deen's Nasi Kandar, kedai tu walaupun baru buka masa tu tapi barisan sudah panjang. Itu tempat boleh dikatakan bukan di lokasi yang luas dan strategik. Tempat orang baris tu actually adalah jalanan motor, and selepas sempat berbaris di bawah panas, sampai ja tempat makanan tu, I dekat ndatau apa mau pilih sebab choice tidak banyak, sayur2 pun cuma ada satu dua, teda pun nasi briyani yang sepatutnya what Indian stalls are famous for, and I had to pick 3 lauk yg asal ada, untuk mau rasa ja camana masakan dorang. I'm not a fan of Indian eateries sebab makanan2 dorang jarang yg ngam di tekak sia. Signature dish macam curry pun usually rasa tidak mengena. So expected la nasi kandar ni won't impress me that much dengan nasi kuah banjir begitu but rasa statik ja. I prefer Malay and Indo foods yang more variety, ada masa merah, masak kicap, masak sambal, sayur macam2 jenis, ikan, daging, semua dengan macam2 variety masakan. That's my kind of foods. 

Ada satu tempat roti canai famous and recommended at Jalan Transfer, guess what, it was not even a proper outlet. Di tepi kaki lima ja dorg bikin. Orang yg makan pun asal2 kena taruh meja yg muat  di kaki lima tu. But orang berbaris juga gara2 viral dan selalu kena recommend. I stayed at a hotel nearby on the 3rd day and managed to walk there to buy the roti canai. Adeiiii. Sia tapau ja la sebab suasana di sana not inviting at all. Roti canai dia pun sembarang ja dorg bikin asalkan jadi. Teda sudah shape dia. Kalau di sini, order2 di restoren pun sikit2 kita complain liat la, keras la, at least shape dia nampak macam sedap, yg ni totally tidak peduli tu semua. Hahahaha.  So sempat tapau 4 roti kosong, 2 roti telur, 1 roti daging (roti yg kena simbah dengan daging curry yang cawir yang amat...Hahahaha). Kuah kari dia pun cawirrr la amat juga, macam kena simpan2 air untul refill ni. Uina, cewewet juga ka dat kemon? Hahahaha. Actually, even di Sabah pun kita buli jumpa juga makanan2 yang not up to our standard, tapi sia yakin tu tempat indalah kena viral, siap dikasi recommend sama tourists yang datang. Macamana la sia nda frust kan? Penang is famous for the foods bah urang bilang. Nda salah kalau sia expect high sama makanan dorg esp yang kena recommend. Ada sekali tu ja kami dapat visit ni street food hawkers di New Lane street food dekat Sunway hotel at Macalister road. Sana makanan dia ok, tapi semua Chinese lah. Dan kalau minta kuey teow, mesti mix sama pork and prawn ja. Chicken pula teda. Sia yang bukan pemakan pork ni ada limitation la, but still ok juga. At least buli makan walaupun not enuff untuk dapat pujian melambung dari sia lah. Hahahaha. Beli sana, beli sini, duduk makan di meja, pun lebih juga RM100 sebab drinks dorang mahal, like satu juice RM6 to RM7.50. Jangan expect anything cheap in Penang lah kan? Hahahha. One grab driver told us, tempat2 makan yang betul2 sedap, yang senyap2 dan bukan yg kena viral. So anggap seja u need to stay longer in Penang to find out mana yg betul2 ngam sama selera kau. Sepa2 yang claim that Penang has the best street foods may have better arguments to back up their claim la. Maybe they find the right spots and tested enuff foods everywhere. 5 hari tu sangatlah tiada untuk experience tu semua. Inikan lagi yg sehari dua? Atukoi.

Yang menarik pasal Penang ni, dia ada pulau dan tanah besar. They have bus ferry yang beroperasi macam ala-ala bas, means dia akan bawa kau seberang pi Penang mainland (Butterworth, Bukit Mertajam etc) ikut timing dia jalan, bukan tunggu penuh. Tambang pun baru RM1.20 tu pun time balik baru bayar. Means kalau kau pi mainland dan stay di situ, kau jimat lah RM1.20 tu. Hahahaha. Sampai di Butterworth, buli ambil KTM pegi destinasi macam2. Ke KL ka, ataupun pegi Perlis terus di Padang Besar yang dekat sama Thailand sudah. Kalau kamurang mau cuci mata and cari pengalaman, buli juga tapi jangan expect kamu buli shopping sakan di Padang Besar. Barang2 di sana mostly sama ja sama barang2 yang kita jumpa di sini. Baju2, beg2, except for dorang ada jual tshirt yg print Padang Besar and Thailand punya lah. Price pun macam lebih kurang sini ja. Sia betul2 ndatau apa mau beli sana sebab sia sendiri pun hari2 ni shopping mall di sini, dan memang kaki tegar Shopee. Almost teda benda yang menarik di situ untuk sia beli. Kami makan di satu kedai makan sana, dengan rasa makanan yang ala-kadar, bill dekat rm250. Kalau makan di KK, standard seafood sudah tu. But ya lah, orang cakap it's all experience. Sometimes selagi benda tu kau nda find out sendiri, kau akan sentiasa curious and anxious untuk tau. So begitu lahh realitinya.

One more thing, Penang definitely tapping on dorg punya status as tourism spot. Ala2 di luar negeri sudah when ada tukang ambil gambar yang akan snap gambar kau tanpa kau suruh, and dorg print sedia gambar tu dengan harapan kau akan pegi claim dan bayar. Dorg charge bukan murah tau, RM60, RM70 (RM70 at Penang Hill for 2 photos yg sudah kena edit background). Dorang sudah prepare equipments yg canggih, yang produce printouts dengan cepat dan berkualiti, and they store the pics di satu website and they give you the code untuk claim tu gambar later on. I wonder if Sabah akan mula bikin gini soon. Remember we have Mt Kinabalu, dorang teda kan? Hehehe. I still don't fail to appreciate our motherland even more selepas pigi tempat urg. Everytime sia upset with tempat yang sia lawat tu, sia akan terfikir, mesti dorang rasa awesome kalau pi tempat kami kan? Hahahaha. Sebab banyak benda yang memang awesome lagi tempat kita bah! Kompom!

Last but not least, tempat tinggal we booked online. At least sia tau and confident sudah mau book online selepas tengok reliability tu websites yang handle booking ni. Nda juga sia mau generalize but tempat2 yang kami pegi tu memang kebersihan tip top, security pun tip top, and walaupun orang sana fikir kami orang Indon, tapi they are used to outsiders dalam tempat dorang so dorg akan layan baik2 juga. One more thing, there's something about Penang yg buat sia rasa it's quite a safe place juga. One of the grab drivers pun cakap jangan takut jalan malam di sini sebab safe lagipun banyak tempat makan lebih rancak sebelah malam. One bitter fact about us Sabahans visiting Penang adalah ada yg tidak tau pun Sabahans are considered Malaysians. The first grab driver yg ambil kami dari airport pun sudah doubt yg we would be entitled to the free bus service Rapid CAT sebab "itu untuk orang local saja, yang ada Mykad". Sandi kan? Hahahaha. It's ok, we still get all the special price for Malaysians juga di mana2 kami pegi (from tambang to entrance fee) asalkan kasi tunjuk MyKad ja. Sia fikir minority ja kes orang2 seberang sana yg ndatau pasal status Sabah Sarawak as part of Malaysia bila kena viral di FB. Rupanya ramai lagiiii yang macam dorang cuma tidak diviral ja. Hahahaha.

So ok lah juga, camana pun, jauh perjalanan luas pandangan. Biasalah la tu kalau ada pro and cons. Tak kenal maka tak cinta kan? Next time will be better I'm sure. Lets travel more next year!

Dia & Kisah Lampau

Hayat manusia ni cuma sekali. Dia cuma sekali ja umur 1 tahun, sekali ja umur 18 tahun, dan kalau dia bertuah, dia merasa la umur 50 tahun. Tidak akan terjadi umur yang berlaku selama 2 tahun. Jadi kau suka atau nda, umur kau akan tetap bertambah setiap selagi kau masih ada.

Biasa lah dalam kehidupan ini, stage2 dalam kehidupan manusia. Looking for a partner is sesuatu yg common, though tidak wajib, but most likely it's just the next thing for every single person. Kalau kau jumpa someone you like at 18 years old, most probably the person only has his childhood and teenagehood story to tell. Depending on how adventurous the person is, how brave he was and stuff. But average person doesn't have that much of big stories to tell yet at 18 years old. But kalau kau ditakdirkan jumpa dat person di usia 20 ke 30 tahun kemudian, kau nda buli expect the same thing sama partner kau tu.

There's something crucial that you have to deal with. His past. His scars, both invisible or not. Of course it's easy to just mention his achievements, but what about his history? Adalah kawan sia sorang ni yg memang ada plan kawin sama lover dia. Both janda and duda. So kawan sia ni terjumpa satu album di rumah lelaki tu. Ada semua gambar2 lelaki tu sama bini lama, gf lama walaupun bukan semua. Terus kawan sia tanya dengan berang, kenapa ada album tu? Lelaki tu explain yg dia nda tau pun pasal album tu. Kawan sia nda pecaya. Dia lempar macam2 tuduhan, What if begitu, What if begini? So lelaki tu sudah abis fikir camana mau bikin dia pecaya. If you ask me, sia sendiri pun doubt juga if the guy was saying the truth, cos I was not there but dari apa yang sia tau, the guy was quite a womanizer juga dulu. My friend punya concern is dia takut tu lelaki diam2 masih ada hati sama ex dia. Manatau kasih dorang bertaut semula. So my friend came to me, Kalau kau la di tempat sia, apa akan kau buat?

I said, "Kak, memang ini lah yg kita kena hadap kalau masuk dalam hidup orang di usia matang. Dia sudah ada masa lampau. Kalau kita mau fikir apa yang sudah dia bikin, mesti kita sakit hati tanpa batas. Imagine, lelaki tu pernah kawin 3 kali. Tidak masuk lagi gf dan scandal yang tidak sempat kawin. But u told me once, "Yang lepas tu, lepaslah". Sebab dia pernah gaduh sama dat guy and lose contact sampai dekat 2 tahun despite the guy sudah pernah mention niat mau kawin. Dalam 2 tahun tu, banyaknya soalan yg tidak terjawab. Did you date anyone that time? Who is that woman? Dari mana kau kenal dia? Sejauh mana hubungan kamu? So selagi kawan sia tu berkeras mau cari jawapan kepada semua soalan dia, memang diri dia akan diselubungi kemarahan, kesangsian dan kesedihan.  Selepas dorang hook up semula, dia actually penat sudah mau tanya soalan2 lalu. Dia biarkan ja la, yang penting dorang happy dapat hook up balik. So I thought ok sudah dorang. Rupanya buli pula timbul balik kisah lampau.

Sepa la yang teda kisah silam kan? What about dia sendiri? Dia sendiri mengaku dengan sia dia banyak kisah silam yang memalukan. Rasanya kalau lelaki tu pun mau bongkar semua, adakah ada keamanan dalam hidup dorang? Ngam ka timing dia untuk hukum satu kesilapan yg urang bikin berpuluh tahun lalu? Well, it's cliche sebenarnya bila kita dengar yang jangan hukum seseorang berdasarkan kisah silam dorang BUT kalau kita cermin diri kita, bagus betul ka kita kan? Thats why dorang cakap, just because We sin differently, doesn't make you better than me. 

Guess what, you don't have a choice. Umur kita entah sampai bila jadi rationalnya tidak buka kisah lampau tu sebab diri kita yang hari ni, BUKAN orang yg sama macam yang dulu tu. And we simply don't have enough time to waste dengan benda2 yang sudah di belakang kita. Sibuk2 kita bercakap pasal cerita 20, 30 tahun lalu, jam tetap berdetik. Kau mau dia balik pi zaman silam untuk ubah sesuatu dalam life dia masa tu supaya hati kau senang? You know that's stupid to even have the idea. It's not do-able. Sibuk2 mengungkit kisah silam urang, sepa tau partner kau pun pun terang-terang nampak ketidaksempurnaan diri kau but still accept kau seadanya, bukannya pasal kau memang awesome secara semulajadi. Harap kau nda perasan la kan? LOLS. Sia ni senang ja tulis gini, sedangkan sia sendiri pun ada problem mau deal with kisah silam org. Mesti semua benda pun mau tau sebab ya la, kisah silam tu mungkin sudah di belakang. Tapi ada echo dia lagi. Mana la kita tau ada surprises2 dari masa silam yang tiba2 muncul dan menghantui. Garsh. Sudah2 lah tu. Tidak akan habis the blaming game kalau gini kan? Tengok ke depan dan cari lah kebahagiaan di setiap sudut hidup sebagai siapa diri kita hari ni. Jangan sia-siakan masa. Time is ticking, my friends. Lets find nothing but happiness. 

To My Front-Liners...

One stage in your life, you thought that you wanted to impress everyone, including the strangers you meet at the street. You wanted to answer every questions people ask you. You wanted to say something nice so that people would smile. During that, we actually tried so hard to just Be Likeable. We wanted everyone to love us or at least say something good about us. The down side is that, when we fail, we fall flat. Just one person against us, we feel like we lost the battle of being liked by everyone. That's once upon a time.

After we experienced so much rejection, hatred, misunderstanding, disapproval, and the likes, we sort of getting a grip of reality. So one day we wake up, WE DON'T CARE that much anymore. We just admit that We can never be liked by everybody.  We quit trying. Maybe we realize, the only people we care to please are those front-liners. I call the front-liners people are those WHO ALREADY decide to just believe in me. Not that I deserve it but they just found a comfortable point to just trust me that much that I can somehow deliver. Maybe they are just tired of looking everywhere else. So these people, I will answer them, I will listen to them, I will tell them, I will show them and I will do what they request. Of course time to time, I could just get new addition to my front-liners but if you need that much convincing, I may just let it go. I'm thru with the chapter where I will beg you to trust something in me. If you can't find the reasoning, you are free to move on. Find something else you don't need convincing. You are meant to be in someone else's front-liners. Not mine.

I remember I saw this very impressive IG selling stuff that I like. Then I took the number. I contacted that number with a very basic question like, Do you do this? How much are you charging? And I only received one reply and never again. At first, I thought the business owner was so inefficient. How could you market your products everyday, putting your number in public welcoming people to just text any question but then you just don't reply.  I didn't get it. Until one day when I was in the same situation. I received texts with very basic questions like they read nothing of what I already posted.  Like they just found your number and decided they wanted to give you a try and see how are you gonna impress them enough to make a purchase. Guess what. I ignored it. Maybe the person feels what I felt before when my message was ignored. Do you get it why I did that? Because I already get the sign that the person is not likely gonna be my front-liners. They need too much convincing. They don't do homework or extra reading. In other words, they are not likely gonna be "my people". If they are, they will go around and find information that is already available. They will even call me directly and cut all the intro. My people won't have to waste our time for all the intro. My people will make the effort because they think I deserve it. 

To my front-liners, you are who I should care to please and do my best. Because you are my believers and I am given the chance to prove my worth because of YOU. I will not care the majority who will just pass me by and I don't mind to be invisible to them. They don't have time to appreciate my potential, to value my skills, to care about what I feel, but they have time to do the same to someone else. Then they are that person's front-liners. So quit arguing. If you are not, you are not. I only care about the those who ARE.

To my front-liners, THANK YOU. 

"Kawan Yang Sempurna"

I consider myself a peace loving person to the people in my surrounding. Either they are my friends or I don't talk to them at all. I don't like enemies. I rather Not know you than make you my enemies. So biasanya, pergaduhan antara kawan2 ni sia jarang terlibat. Sia biasa jadi orang yg di tengah. Lets say two of my friends are having cold war, they both are in terms with me knowing that I'm in good terms with the friend they are having cold war with. So that's me. 

Recently, something happened. This friend did not go to my place anymore for 2 weeks. It never happened before. So I learnt from another friend, that she was actually offended by something I said. WHATTT? Of course I was shocked. So she was offended about a comment I made about her relationship with her lover. I told her, "Kak, bagus kamu kawin cepat lah." I said that because she has been going to the guy's house and this caused argument between her and her daughter. I knew they are planning to get married anyway. Why not wait until they are married before she begins going to the guy's house and cause suspicion? Or else, just get married already so she'll be staying with the guy legally. Wasn't my comment obviously the best solution? She was offended, according to this other friend thats why she refused to talk to me for 2 weeks. After that, it was fixed on its own because she has stuff to talk to me about work and it was already behind us the moment I learnt that she was once offended. Seriously I'm not used to this.

Wujudnya kawan2 yang Batu Api di kalangan kita. Kalau situasi yang terjadinya pergeseran macam tu, ada golongan yg bertepuk tangan. That other friend tried to api-apikan. Something yg sepatutnya secret, iaitu luahan hati kawan yg offended tu, dia simply pegi tell kawan kami yang satu lagi, and kawan tu tell me. The other day dia ada try untuk buka topic tu di whatsapp, but sia dapat rasa bad aura dari style dia tulis, so I did not entertain it. So dia pi bagitau kawan yang satu lagi before kawan tu akhirnya bagitau sia. You know what I said to that friend yang bagitau sia? "Next time u hear anything bad about me, keep it to yourself. I don't want to know."

Betul. Sia tidak berminat mau tau benda yang orang bawangkan pasal sia. Begini bah aturan dia. Kalau la ada kawan yang meluah rasa dengan kita, pasal si polan dan si polan, benda tu kau keep sorang ja cukup lah. Bukan benda baik pun. FAHAM? Selepas hal tu, baru sia sedar berapa banyak benda macam tu yg sia keep sendiri ja. Sia kan tempat kawan2 meluah, so sia biasa dengar macam2 cerita Terkecil hati, Tersalah cakap, Tersinggung, but remember this, ITU SEMUA PERKARA BIASA dalam kehidupan manusia. Kau tidak payah treat benda tu macam hal sensasi. So bila sia warning yang STOP TELLING ME STUFF yg negative, which then I told her this, "I heard so many bad stuff about you guys too, but did I ever tell you?" Kenapa mesti menyemai kebencian. Luahan hati is peristiwa singkat. Dia akan berlalu dengan masa. Treat them dengan hati yg ringan. Sebab apa sia cakap gitu?

Sebab banyak lagi benda yang best untuk kita share dengan kawan2. Kalau sia tersilap cakap, anggap sia beruntung kalau kamu faham niat sia bukan jahat. Mungkin sia salah pilih intonasi or perkataan, but Who is perfect among us, again? So kepada orang2 yang suka bikin kerja BATU API tu, actually kamu kawan yg toksik. Kamu boleh kasi gaduh satu komuniti, satu kampung and so on. Hidup kita ni sudah penuh dengan masalah, kita mau happy2 ja dengan kawan2 and family. Jangan buang masa kumpul kebencian. Kalau kau buli tukar tu kebencian pakai DUIT, sia pecaya juga lah. Tapi nda buli kan? What do you get? NUTHIN.

Bagus lagi kita cari duit buli pi melancong happy2. Kita semua manusia lemah. TIADA KAWAN YG SEMPURNA. Don't expect them to be. 

Rezeki Tidak Salah Alamat

Biasa sudah kita dengar orang cakap gitu kan?  Baru2 tu, sia jumpa balik sama satu customer veteran sia yg sorang ni. Lama sudah nda jumpa dia. So kami cerita2 la sikit. Entah camana buli keluar dari mulut dia benda ni. "Syukurlah sudah rezeki kau. Selama ni kau selalu kasi free, kasi biar orang bayar ansur2, Tuhan kira semua tu. Pasal tu la dia kasi kau rezeki yang banyak." Actually sia terkejut kejap bila dia cakap gitu. Sebab sia nda ingat pun bikin benda2 tu semua. Only sama customers yang veteran2 mcm dorang, memang sy lebih sikit sabar dari biasa. Sia punya kesabaran dari segi accommodate dorang. Trying to understand apa yg dorang mau dan maksudkan. I have to do it somehow sebab sia rasa bukan semua akan give customers that much attention. If sia nda bikin, mungkin dorang akan terkapai2 mencari di mana yg sudi. So sia selalu anggap benda tu challenge sebab they needed special attention. Tapi sia buat semua tu bukan sebab sia memang ada kesabaran tu. No. Sia buat atas dasar sia kena juga complete tu task. Ada beberapa kali sia try reject, dorang berkeras mau sia bikin. Sebab tempat lain definitely tidak larat mau layan dorang. Maybe ada a bit of perikemanusiaan juga di situ. But I am not really a patient person. It's so easy to get on my nerve. So sia bukan layak kena ingat sebagai the most considerate. I don't always give discount or free gifts. Only when situation yg sia ringan hati. Ataupun sia rasa sudah cukup mahal yang dorang kena bayar, sia sengaja kasi free or kasi ikut one item tanpa kira harga. I mean, my price is already mahal dari biasa, so at least dorang rasa ringan sikit kalau sia bikin gitu. Secara spontaneous ja ikut gerak hati. So sia nda begitu ingat sangat. Until la dat makcik cakap, then baru sia terfikir. Ada juga la kebaikan yg sia bikin kan? Memang kalangan customer yg veteran tu juga, sia bagi kelonggaran dorang bayar dulu apa yg ada. Ada juga yg pernah datang ambil ja tanpa bayar satu sen. Pun sia sabar juga. Entah la, rupanya ada kesabaran "simpanan". Tapi tu cerita lama. 

Is it pasal some kebaikan masa silam, yang memungkinkan kita dapat kesenangan di masa kini? Tapi pada masa yang sama, kita sentiasa bikin benda yang salah juga. Kadang2 kita berkira, mau orang bayar semua hutang, selagi orang nda bayar, selagi tu la kita bising dan mengaus. Cos life ni short, but susah kalau teda rules. Kau kena ikut aturan2 yang ditetapkan. Kau berhutang, kau kena bayar kan? So jangan dulu kita kira jahat orang kalau kita yg menyebabkan dorang jahat. Setakat ini, sia tidak juga mau rebut hak orang. Sia masih mau ikut rules. So, remind me, maybe I'm still in the right way. Biarlah sia masih si lurus bendul yg bikin panas. Anyway speaking of rezeki, actually sometimes kau kena "claim" rezeki tu, baru dia jadi kau punya. Kau nda buli just duduk ja sana and hairan why tidak kau dapat. Or camana pun, jangan lupa. You are nothing, and you are not even great on your own, if's it's not for the mercy of God. Ni sia percaya juga camana pun sia faham yg sia perlu berusaha untuk dapat something. But pernah kan kau usaha camana pun still nda dapat? Thats why it's easier to believe there's another element yg kau perlu. He has to will it before it become yours. 

Syukur apa yang ada dan teruslah melangkah ke depan. Nikmati kehidupan dan explore life dengan cara yang sebaik-baiknya. Hopefully more and more rezeki akan datang sama kita. Amen to that!

Blissfully BLESSED

Sia pernah bercakap pasal "one fine day" kan? Banyak kali idea pasal ni sia tulis di sini. Something yg kau impikan tapi susah mau dapat, but then sia percaya yang Akan tiba harinya yang kau akhirnya akan berpeluang untuk dapat. Tapi teda sepa tau bila. Jadi dalam pada menunggu hari tu, kau teruskan hidup dengan struggles kau. Pokoknya, adakah kau percaya yang One Fine Day tu wujud untuk kau? Teori sia adalah, BE PREPARED for it. Supaya bila dia datang, kau sudah ready untuk grab dia. Remember I wrote that?

Actually, a "one fine day" finally happened to me a few months ago. Sangat tidak disangka2. Tapi sia tidak melatah atau terlalu excited, sebab I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED. Sia manusia yg percaya kebesaran Tuhan dalam life sia. So bila dia buat benda ni, sia tidak buli cakap sia terkejut, sebab sia tau Dia memang hebat. Cuma he really got me cos I didn't expected it that time. Camana  pun, mungkin sebab sia sudah biasa dengan kesusahan struggles sia sehari2, sia berpijak di bumi yg nyata. Seolah2 doa2 yang bertahun2 tu God suddenly kasi sia pada hari tu. Sia kagum camana dia bikin jalan di tempat yg tiada jalan. Benda yang mustahil, dia kasi jadi ikut kemahuan Dia. Itu yg bikin sia kagum sebab bukan selalu kita nampak benda ni. Kau fikir kau si pendosa yang nda dipeduli. Si kerdil yg berdoa, tapi selalu dia kena kasi sikit2, dia wonder juga itu fluke atau memang satu rencana. God ada masa tengok sia ka dalam lautan manusia2 yang jauh lebih bagus dari sia?

Hari tu sia dapat jawapan. YES, God sebenarnya memang selalu perhatikan sia. I already know this tapi mana la tau yg sia perasan ja. So dalam blessing yg besar tu, God still challenge sia juga. Can you handle it? Sia pun berkakai juga masa tu. Rupanya bukan percuma setiap blessing God tu. Dia still kasi kita kerja juga. Kau lalai ja, maybe kau buli hilang tu blessing. I'm careful walaupun sia terbabas juga sekali sekala. So okay, that's the one fine day that finally happened.

Suddenly, I got another one. Like WOWWW. Betul bah ni?? Terus sia rewind beberapa tahun yg lalu, exactly about the same thing yg sangat memalukan sia, tapi sia hadap juga walaupun sia rasa orang keliling sia kasi ketawa sia. Tapi sia berfikiran positif ja dan kuatkan hati. Kerdilnya sia rasa masa tu. Malu dia tu sampai sekarang sia rasa. Tapi entah, kenapa masa tu sia buli terfikir, One day mungkin hari sia. Tapi entah bila. Entah kenapa sia pandai2 fikir yg benda yg berlaku masa tu "cuma selingan". Ada lagi climax yang sangat awesome menunggu sia. Tapi tahun demi tahun, teda juga. Sia nda juga give up, cuma sia terlupa sudah. Mungkin ada cara lain yg sia akan tebus tu semua. FINALLY, it happened. Sia nda habis fikir camana buli terjadi semua tu. Seolah-olah, I said to God, "God, I want that one." And u assumed memang kau nda akan dapat semua sebab God usually ada cara dia sendiri mau kasi kau. Tapi instead, "Nahh, I give you what you want. Take it" Then I went, BETUL BAH NIII??? Seriouslyyy???

So walaupun lately mood sia on and off  dengan kesihatan yg nda berapa ok, tapi kamu jan silap. Dalam hati sia melompat kegembiraan, dipenuhi dengan bunga2 yang warna warni dan ceria. Mungkin semua distraction ni bikin sia relax, dan jangan terlalu excited dengan semua tu. Ya, it helped! So dalam pada ni semua, I still want to say not even one time yg sia lupa BLESSINGS yang besar yang sia terima ni. Teda makna tu ucapan thank you sebab terlalu kecil untuk represent sia punya gratefulness ni. Satu ja sia harap. I hope I can be given kebijaksanaan yang setimpal untuk blessing ni semua. 

Thank you Lorddddd!!!

Isn't Our Time Running Out?

Sepedih-pedihnya satu kebenaran tu, dia tetap fakta. Same like hayat manusia. Life ni begitulah bestnya kan? Tapi rupanya sementara ja. Sometimes just the thought of it hurts enough. Sakitnya untuk terima yang each and everyone of us will never escape this. Pernah juga beberapa kali sia terfikir, Kenapa lah sia kena lahir di dunia ni? Now I have to experience quitting it. O man it hurts.

Biarpun masih optimis dengan hari2 yang mendatang, tapi kepedihan tu slowly kita telan. Saban tahun, umur meningkat, bukankah bermaksud kita MENGHAMPIRI masa tu? Every birthday celebration is just, Yeahh, you are a step closer to your ending!! Sakit kan? Sakit bila fikir terpaksa kau tinggalkan awesomeness of this life and the people that you love. Fuh, better don't go there.

My point now is, Get realistic. Stop acting like you don't know it. Evaluate dengan cara yang practical. Like this hoarding habit of mine. Berapa lama lagi sia mau simpan semua benda2 tu? Yang one day I might wanna use them but I have not used them for the past 8 years (for example). Should I allow things from dat 8 years ago to occupy more space in my life? Simpan habuk dan menyumbang kepada timbunan kesemakan dalam life sia yang obviously needs more space untuk benda2 baru. This used to be heartless but maybe not anymore. Tomorrow I will let go a lot of stuff from my hoard habits. They are losing their values. Shall I need them one day, I will have to take the risk and just believe that I know where to find. I can no longer rely untuk "one day" that has not come at least in 8 years ago (just putting a number to describe some of the stuff I've been keeping can be that old or even older). Worse is, I don't even remember I have them. I just know there is a clutter of old stuff at the backyard but I can't recall what are they. Terrible, isn't it?

Maybe sia terima kenyataan yang The rest of my life is what I have left. Sia sudah lalui zaman budak2, zaman remaja and sudah merasai tahun2 di zaman dewasa. My time shouldn't be that long compared to the random kids yang sia nampak berlarian di padang sekolah. I cannot think like them. Thats why sia ambil satu plastik hitam, stuff my baju2 yang sia suka tapi sia tidak pakai lagi. Ada yang sia masih muat tapi sia ndamau pakai lagi sebab banyak lagi baju sia yang baru dan belum dipakai. So sia paksa diri untuk isi tu plastik tanpa fikir panjang. You know why? Sebab sia realistik yang sia belum tentu ada another 50 years untuk pakai tu baju2 semua. Lagipun sia sentiasa beli baju baru. Kenapa begitu clingy dengan benda2 silam, right?

I just want to remind myself once again that, this is how it's done. Jangan terlalu fikir BILA, tapi stop ignoring the fact that we have done our Alpha, and the law says we must have our Omega. If you ask me how do I feel about it? Not necessarily bad. At least tidaklah sia terlalu berlengah. At least sia happy bila sia spend extra time at work. Remind myself again, this is what I love. I pick this and God gives it to me. And di umur-umuran sia sekarang ni, dengan banyak2 little studies or social experiments yang sia bikin, kita nampak macamana Things Change. Jangan pelik, jangan gelabah, dan JANGAN expect semua benda akan sama. Sama macam diri kamu sendiri. Kamu fikir kamu masih sentiasa cool macam dulu? No way. Tettt. Silap. What I mean is kamu cool dengan cara yang berbeza sekarang. Embrace it. Quit meracau kenapa semua keliling kamu tidak sama. Ada kamu say thanks sama benda2 awesome yg baru dalam life kamu? Itulah pampasan dia. 

Bah buli kah kita pandang ke depan ja mula dari sekarang? Ada juga sia terfikir mau quit this blog and maybe do something else masa sia free. Itupun sia sudah cukup bertahan o kan? Semua kawan2 bloggers yang lain sudah give up on blogging. Why am I still here? Hehe :PP  Well, I'm preparing myself to do something bigger in my life next. Mau push lebih and mau achieve lebih. Diri sia yang kerdil ni, sometimes sia terfikir juga, sia larat kah? I think I do :)

Note: Who knows one day sia akan tired jadi si 256, kan?

One Quiet Day

Yesterday was a torturing day for me. I supposed to be in the buffet lunch celebrating my dad's birthday, but the sickness suddenly got the better of me, I could not even think of going outside the house. I wanted to limit my communication, my activities, I just wanted to REST. My explanation was much needed for canceling my attendance in the last minute but I didn't even have the energy to do that. I just entered the Zombie mode. Heartless and Wordless. I expected that people could just understand.

The real struggle was I was not healthy. My head was spinning from last nite's sleep, my throat was sore, my voice box was aching, I could not even speak a word properly. My body was also aching everywhere. I could not walk for a longer distance. My legs were shaking. So I had to forget about going out for a meal fiesta. What I did the whole day was, BE QUIET. I spent time on youtube, watching videos but I did not react a bit. Behaving robotic for hours, suddenly I felt my life was really dull, and meaningless. My body getting too tensed like I held back too much inside for all the hours being quiet. Don't you remember I am anything but a quiet person? I just didn't want to drag anyone into the drama of my sickness. I know they have enuff problems on their own. Plus, my irritating nature, anything could piss me off so easily. So I tried to do others a favour too. I caged myself so "nobody gets hurt" because I could still hurt people with my ignorance. So the best is to just HEAL first. 

So kemarin sia sedar all over again yang KESIHATAN tu bukan milik mutlak kita. Sia sudah makan Vitamin C selama berbulan, untuk deal with sia punya weaknesses towards flu virus tapi sia still kena. Walaupun proses penyembuhan dia cepat. Seriously cepat. Sebab walaupun seharian sia "in agony" sebab dalam keadaan yang sangat lemah, cannot think properly and couldn't even speak and supermoody some more, sampaikan sia rasa mau sambung cuti lagi Monday sebab feeling sia tu masa memang terrible. Macam sia totally disconnected sama world sia. Teruk eh feeling dia. 

Kamu tau apa yang missing? LAUGHTER. Baru sia sedar time malam tu. Sebab sia memang suka ketawa jadi my whole system is used to laughter. The whole day sia teda ketawa until at nite then I realized what was missing. So dalam keadaan badan yang sakit2, sia tertidur juga sebelum jam 3 AM and woke at at 6 AM something. Guess what? 

Tiba2 badan sia cergas balik! Sia try to speak and I could hear my voice again biarpun inda 100% normal. WOWWW... Tiba2 sia bangun dan jalan keluar bilik sia tanpa that shaking. Teda pun sia makan ubat except for Woods ubat batuk (utk clear my throat) and of course my Flavettes. Tapi confirm sia sudah kuarantine diri sia satu hari, biarpun penuh dengan penyeksaan juga lah. Dan penuh dengan keinsafan juga. So hari ni, sia pi kerja dengan "gagahnya". Walaupun masih ada rasa macam lemah juga lah sekali sekala masa sia jalan tapi sia lawan ja. Dan dengan penuh kesedaran, sia terus wasap SIL sia, kasi explain dia kenapa sia nda attend tu lunch kemarin. If you read my last post, you know I had a misunderstanding with her. Bila sia sudah rasa sihat, sia berbesar hati mau lupakan semua tu. Tiba2 fikiran sia clear balik dan sia sedar dia pun bukan manusia yg sempurna, macam sia juga, tapi dia tetap the best SIL yang sia buli imagine. Pelik kan camana mind kita ni kasi twist2 benda gitu sampai kita pun terbawa2.

My point in this post is...sometimes we NEED that quiet time juga. Walaupun hari tu tidak normal dan kau struggling secara emosi, apa lagi ngam2 kau sakit, kau yakin ja, akhirnya kau akan nampak cahaya di hujung tunnel tu. Biarpun sia layan juga negatif dalam kepala sia tu, tapi part of me knows yang "sia cuma saja2" buat gitu. Sometimes kita mau kena rasa apa feeling dia time orang tu sakit, jadi next time kita nda terlalu senang menghakimi. Biar keinsafan tu datang dalam diri kita, sebab... KITA PUN PERNAH RASA JUGA. 

Kesembuhan dan...KEINSAFAN. So, dalam pada2 kita malas berdoa, kita sombong dan ego dengan kesenangan, tiba2  jatuh sakit, pun masih malas berdoa sebab layan sakit. Kali tinguk, esoknya kita sembuh juga. Terus kita fikir badan kita yang hero atau vitamin kita tu bagus. Sia tau juga bah jawapan dia apa. Sebab dalam pada2 sia berkurung, sia tau da manusia2 yang bertungkus lumus berdoa siang malam untuk kebaikan sia. Tuhan berbelas kasihan kepada dorang yg berdoa biarpun kita macam tidak layak kan? Apa pun syukur la buli sembuh dari sakit. Guys, hargailah kehidupan kita yg indah ni ok? 

I know balik2 sudah sia cakap ni. But promise me you won't forget that.

Dealing With Anger

Today should be a good day. It's 10.10 of 2019. I have all the reason to feel extra good today. Spent my time chitchatting, completing some works, felt good actually. Until something came up, when my SIL asked my help to babysit my lil nephew and because of her request, I made a lil changes to my schedule, just for her to forget everything and made me wait for half an hour. I was getting impatient because she got too busy with church activity lately and she put her own kids at number two. I mean, church activity is a good thing but remember that the activities will still go on without her. TRUST ME, I KNOW. WE KNOW. I don't think God will be happy with her leaving her kids unmanaged just for she can be one of those people reading the prayers, knowing that there are many other people who are there to do it. For for her kids, she is their only mother. 

I think my impatience grew after a while. But because my nephews are more important than what I feel, so I often forget my little grumbling the moment I saw my nephews. But then the fact that their mom left them behind so she could attend church activities at different districts, attending to fellow Christians who don't have access to modern facilities, while her kids are put somewhere where people could look after them. One thing I'm really sure of, I don't think God will be ever so mad if you put your little kids first and then only join activities when you are really free. 

All this time, I am never mad of my SIL. I always backed her up, I always understood her situation, I even looked up to her cos she's one capable lady and I'm so glad that she's my SIL. Only lately that she became too occupied with her other activities and those activities are not free. She's been spending a lot of money that she claimed she didn't have money to help a party for my youngest nephew. And she just went back from getting a color braces for her teeth which cost 3 times the money she needed to make my nephew's small party in his pre-school. So maybe these things build up little by little and it doesn't take any longer for me this time to just show to her that I'm mad. It's the first time! Which means she really crossed the line.

It's also the first time ever that I didn't open her whatsapp text, and she could see that I go online and ignore her text. That's how I deal with my anger. I avoid "feeding" it. If I read her text saying sorry along with all the excuses, it's not gonna help. Maybe she thought I got mad for the smallest reason, but imagine how I have skipped all the big reasons because to me, nobody likes it when I'm angry. I can be very bad with words and I can treat like I don't know you. I don't hear your words, I don't see you pass by, stuff like that. I have never said sorry to those people who crossed my limit because it took a while for them to cross them so only when they did something really angered me that they received that kind of treatment. 

You see how I write when I'm anger-oriented? You don't like how I sound, right? Anger is just a devil thing. They say, when you give in to anger, the devils are partying. Actually, it took me only like 10 minutes to rationalize and gain back my composure. I told myself how she could misunderstand my text that she understood wrongly. I should have been more straightforward with my words. I should this, I should that. Actually I was calm shortly after that. I thought, "I bet she must be praying hard right now, and God is working, that's why I became sensible. Someone is praying for this." Wow, awesome thought, right? 

The Angry you is not the real you. I know it. But my human ego, I must give her time to ponder upon her own acts and mistakes. We are not perfect but it doesn't mean we can't correct our ways. I want her to reflect while I'm doing this silent treatment. I'm so weak myself. When I'm forced to show my anger, usually it will take time to go back to normal. That's why I will avoid getting angry so easily. But I understand, I will need this experience for a better familyship, better tolerance, better understanding - cos they are here to strengthen bonds (if we survive it).

I'm calling upon my adult-self to take charge during this time. I'm so tired right now. I want to sleep and wake up with no more anger. Oh God, speed up my recovery from this stupid anger. Remind me of the wisdom you already given to me. Can I just wake up and have more empathy. Tell me my share of wrong and let me correct it. I just want to live tomorrow awesomely. Just let this pass.