Today should be a good day. It's 10.10 of 2019. I have all the reason to feel extra good today. Spent my time chitchatting, completing some works, felt good actually. Until something came up, when my SIL asked my help to babysit my lil nephew and because of her request, I made a lil changes to my schedule, just for her to forget everything and made me wait for half an hour. I was getting impatient because she got too busy with church activity lately and she put her own kids at number two. I mean, church activity is a good thing but remember that the activities will still go on without her. TRUST ME, I KNOW. WE KNOW. I don't think God will be happy with her leaving her kids unmanaged just for she can be one of those people reading the prayers, knowing that there are many other people who are there to do it. For for her kids, she is their only mother.
I think my impatience grew after a while. But because my nephews are more important than what I feel, so I often forget my little grumbling the moment I saw my nephews. But then the fact that their mom left them behind so she could attend church activities at different districts, attending to fellow Christians who don't have access to modern facilities, while her kids are put somewhere where people could look after them. One thing I'm really sure of, I don't think God will be ever so mad if you put your little kids first and then only join activities when you are really free.
All this time, I am never mad of my SIL. I always backed her up, I always understood her situation, I even looked up to her cos she's one capable lady and I'm so glad that she's my SIL. Only lately that she became too occupied with her other activities and those activities are not free. She's been spending a lot of money that she claimed she didn't have money to help a party for my youngest nephew. And she just went back from getting a color braces for her teeth which cost 3 times the money she needed to make my nephew's small party in his pre-school. So maybe these things build up little by little and it doesn't take any longer for me this time to just show to her that I'm mad. It's the first time! Which means she really crossed the line.
It's also the first time ever that I didn't open her whatsapp text, and she could see that I go online and ignore her text. That's how I deal with my anger. I avoid "feeding" it. If I read her text saying sorry along with all the excuses, it's not gonna help. Maybe she thought I got mad for the smallest reason, but imagine how I have skipped all the big reasons because to me, nobody likes it when I'm angry. I can be very bad with words and I can treat like I don't know you. I don't hear your words, I don't see you pass by, stuff like that. I have never said sorry to those people who crossed my limit because it took a while for them to cross them so only when they did something really angered me that they received that kind of treatment.
You see how I write when I'm anger-oriented? You don't like how I sound, right? Anger is just a devil thing. They say, when you give in to anger, the devils are partying. Actually, it took me only like 10 minutes to rationalize and gain back my composure. I told myself how she could misunderstand my text that she understood wrongly. I should have been more straightforward with my words. I should this, I should that. Actually I was calm shortly after that. I thought, "I bet she must be praying hard right now, and God is working, that's why I became sensible. Someone is praying for this." Wow, awesome thought, right?
The Angry you is not the real you. I know it. But my human ego, I must give her time to ponder upon her own acts and mistakes. We are not perfect but it doesn't mean we can't correct our ways. I want her to reflect while I'm doing this silent treatment. I'm so weak myself. When I'm forced to show my anger, usually it will take time to go back to normal. That's why I will avoid getting angry so easily. But I understand, I will need this experience for a better familyship, better tolerance, better understanding - cos they are here to strengthen bonds (if we survive it).
I'm calling upon my adult-self to take charge during this time. I'm so tired right now. I want to sleep and wake up with no more anger. Oh God, speed up my recovery from this stupid anger. Remind me of the wisdom you already given to me. Can I just wake up and have more empathy. Tell me my share of wrong and let me correct it. I just want to live tomorrow awesomely. Just let this pass.
No comments:
Post a Comment