Yesterday was a torturing day for me. I supposed to be in the buffet lunch celebrating my dad's birthday, but the sickness suddenly got the better of me, I could not even think of going outside the house. I wanted to limit my communication, my activities, I just wanted to REST. My explanation was much needed for canceling my attendance in the last minute but I didn't even have the energy to do that. I just entered the Zombie mode. Heartless and Wordless. I expected that people could just understand.
The real struggle was I was not healthy. My head was spinning from last nite's sleep, my throat was sore, my voice box was aching, I could not even speak a word properly. My body was also aching everywhere. I could not walk for a longer distance. My legs were shaking. So I had to forget about going out for a meal fiesta. What I did the whole day was, BE QUIET. I spent time on youtube, watching videos but I did not react a bit. Behaving robotic for hours, suddenly I felt my life was really dull, and meaningless. My body getting too tensed like I held back too much inside for all the hours being quiet. Don't you remember I am anything but a quiet person? I just didn't want to drag anyone into the drama of my sickness. I know they have enuff problems on their own. Plus, my irritating nature, anything could piss me off so easily. So I tried to do others a favour too. I caged myself so "nobody gets hurt" because I could still hurt people with my ignorance. So the best is to just HEAL first.
So kemarin sia sedar all over again yang KESIHATAN tu bukan milik mutlak kita. Sia sudah makan Vitamin C selama berbulan, untuk deal with sia punya weaknesses towards flu virus tapi sia still kena. Walaupun proses penyembuhan dia cepat. Seriously cepat. Sebab walaupun seharian sia "in agony" sebab dalam keadaan yang sangat lemah, cannot think properly and couldn't even speak and supermoody some more, sampaikan sia rasa mau sambung cuti lagi Monday sebab feeling sia tu masa memang terrible. Macam sia totally disconnected sama world sia. Teruk eh feeling dia.
Kamu tau apa yang missing? LAUGHTER. Baru sia sedar time malam tu. Sebab sia memang suka ketawa jadi my whole system is used to laughter. The whole day sia teda ketawa until at nite then I realized what was missing. So dalam keadaan badan yang sakit2, sia tertidur juga sebelum jam 3 AM and woke at at 6 AM something. Guess what?
Tiba2 badan sia cergas balik! Sia try to speak and I could hear my voice again biarpun inda 100% normal. WOWWW... Tiba2 sia bangun dan jalan keluar bilik sia tanpa that shaking. Teda pun sia makan ubat except for Woods ubat batuk (utk clear my throat) and of course my Flavettes. Tapi confirm sia sudah kuarantine diri sia satu hari, biarpun penuh dengan penyeksaan juga lah. Dan penuh dengan keinsafan juga. So hari ni, sia pi kerja dengan "gagahnya". Walaupun masih ada rasa macam lemah juga lah sekali sekala masa sia jalan tapi sia lawan ja. Dan dengan penuh kesedaran, sia terus wasap SIL sia, kasi explain dia kenapa sia nda attend tu lunch kemarin. If you read my last post, you know I had a misunderstanding with her. Bila sia sudah rasa sihat, sia berbesar hati mau lupakan semua tu. Tiba2 fikiran sia clear balik dan sia sedar dia pun bukan manusia yg sempurna, macam sia juga, tapi dia tetap the best SIL yang sia buli imagine. Pelik kan camana mind kita ni kasi twist2 benda gitu sampai kita pun terbawa2.
My point in this post is...sometimes we NEED that quiet time juga. Walaupun hari tu tidak normal dan kau struggling secara emosi, apa lagi ngam2 kau sakit, kau yakin ja, akhirnya kau akan nampak cahaya di hujung tunnel tu. Biarpun sia layan juga negatif dalam kepala sia tu, tapi part of me knows yang "sia cuma saja2" buat gitu. Sometimes kita mau kena rasa apa feeling dia time orang tu sakit, jadi next time kita nda terlalu senang menghakimi. Biar keinsafan tu datang dalam diri kita, sebab... KITA PUN PERNAH RASA JUGA.
Kesembuhan dan...KEINSAFAN. So, dalam pada2 kita malas berdoa, kita sombong dan ego dengan kesenangan, tiba2 jatuh sakit, pun masih malas berdoa sebab layan sakit. Kali tinguk, esoknya kita sembuh juga. Terus kita fikir badan kita yang hero atau vitamin kita tu bagus. Sia tau juga bah jawapan dia apa. Sebab dalam pada2 sia berkurung, sia tau da manusia2 yang bertungkus lumus berdoa siang malam untuk kebaikan sia. Tuhan berbelas kasihan kepada dorang yg berdoa biarpun kita macam tidak layak kan? Apa pun syukur la buli sembuh dari sakit. Guys, hargailah kehidupan kita yg indah ni ok?
I know balik2 sudah sia cakap ni. But promise me you won't forget that.
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