He, The Way I Like It And Why...

 

Yeah, attraction can just happen spontaneously. But most don’t last long. It can get so heated up really quick and gets cold just as quick. Can you explain? I never try to explain why. I just let it uncover on its own. I just watch as things slowly show their worth in my life. I saw how things are getting my extraordinary attention, but just for a short while. You realize that it’s not worth keeping. Somehow I thank God for it because I don’t wish to waste more time on things that don’t matter. 

Then there he is. Always there regardless the little unknown thing that was going on before. What he knows is he’s always there, putting himself in the zone that is prepared for him. Sometimes I wonder if he does get tired. Me being a person that is not so easy to handle, he has all the reason why he just can lose the fire any sooner than expected. But looks like he has his way of handling it. I saw that he means it all this time. He does. 

 And then…I realize something more. I notice that his specialty is that he doesn’t Burden me the way others do. He wants to be the one who gives attention instead of just getting mine. He wants to be the one who listens more than I do listen to him. He let me talk everything I want, even if he’s too sleepy, he’ll let me cos he wants me to know that he has ears for all that and more. Although he could not spare so much thought on every single words and I have all the right to nag and sulk – but in my own limited wisdom, I just feel his sincerity more than anything else. I feel that after all said and done, he actually treats me the way I always want to be treated. Some guys don’t get it. 

They might come to me cos they think I am the most reliable person around. They like to make me their confidante. Their counselor, and they want so much to tell me a lot of things so that I can feel how important I am to them. They want to remind me how special and talented and rare I am, that they keep highlighting it to me. They can even tell me again and again how attractive can I be in some guys eyes – just because of the so called rare qualities. Yeah, if u were in my place u can imagine how flattered u’d be. But then, coming to this point of my life, I wonder if it’s what I want. I don’t know if it matters to get people flattering me for the good things – and feel needed – and feel useful – Somehow I want to take a break. I realize that I’m not a Superwoman. I wonder if they think it’s cool for me to be doing all that.

Yeah, I’m glad that I do something for others. Just to be their ears mean a lot to them. But as a woman, I do want to be, simply a woman to a man. A woman who is fragile and whose heart need to be taken care of, instead of me taking care of his heart all the time. Now I get it…Now I know. This man does it exactly what I like and it took some time before I notice. He’s the only man who doesn’t make me feel like “an idol” that he can only admire from a distance, and think that I’m untouchable and that he can just watch from afar. No, he’s not. He’s determined that he can grab me and hold me like a man holds his someone dear. He makes me feel like a mortal human. That he can say something and hurt me and make me cry, and he doesn’t judge me by my tears. 

Now I know why he’s earns that space. I just cant explain it for such a long time. But I just let him occupy that space in my life. And I think he doesn’t expect too much from me. That’s one of his winning points. Cos others just put this kind of expectation that I know I can never achieve and will judge me for every wrong move just to unreign me from being a benchmark. I never want to be a benchmark in the first place. Why make me one? This is the thing that most guys don’t get it. But him…he just comes and he doesn’t need a guideline. He just does his things and only today I know he’s been doing all things right. He gives me comfort to be myself. I can just go ahead and play the lil girl and he will get entertained. He will let me. He will not need anymore proof that I am as smart as he used to think I am. He has done judging me for a long time. 

Now I know…Now I know… I can never think this post is as important as it is. But it is important. Cos never before that I put it so right into words The Way I Like It and Why. He just defines it all for me. Thanks, you are the man :) 

 

You Against The World

Am I Forgiven?

My mind wanders at one chapter of my past. It doesn’t matter who I have become today, still my past is always part of me. No matter how many things I have shared with people, how many people I have helped with my words, and how many hearts I have soothed just by lending my ears – Still… I did some big mistake in the past. Whether I was fully or half conscious what I was doing that time. At the time when life was generous to me, I remember feeling grateful but how on earth I could take certain decision that was almost heartless and so out of this world; judging from my rationality. Was that even me? I browsed around Facebook and saw the page of my ex. He is using his full name so I bet he doesn’t mind to be discovered. My little thought said to me that he might consider the possibility that I might just come across his Fb and find out that he’s still alive – and yes, he’s having a good life. 

 I remember when things didn’t work out between us – how I have hurt this man so badly. The kind of hurt that he didn’t deserve to get. A man like him is just so rare. He’s really the type who will not have 2 ladies in his life. Just one and only one. Never once that I ever felt jealous – and what I did to him was totally the opposite. Whether he didn’t trust me enough or I did deserve the doubt. I was really different back then. I enjoyed having a relationship, but I didn’t want more than that. Whether I was not ready or maybe I thought he was not the man for me. I remember feeling so happy but why I couldn’t see him more than a loving boyfriend. I noticed his effort of keeping me happy and excited. I did realise feeling so much appreciation towards this man. And he was not just there to waste my time cos he really wanted us to be more than that – but why was I not ready for that. I let him wait too long just because I could not make my mind. I thought that I would be ready but I could not. Eventhough I have my sets of reasons why, still, he didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I broke his heart so badly. I just couldn’t be the lady of his life. This is how I understand why some women break their man’s heart by refusing to take it further. It just didn’t feel right back then. I could foresee that I won’t be happy with him in the long run. I wonder if I was too selfish. But didn’t I have the right to decide what’s best for me? STILL, he didn’t deserve that pain. Not from someone he thought was “The One” made for him. I deserved crying and traumatized by all this. I deserve having my tears falling from the pain of breaking his heart. I deserved feeling sorry and crushed. I just couldn’t get it why I didn’t just simplify the story and accepted his proposal. I would be a good ending for a mutual relationship. I could slap myself for that mistake, but still I knew I was deciding the best for me that time. 

Now that time has passed, he has moved on. I don’t know what he felt when I told him I WAS SO HAPPY that he found someone else. He never talked to me after that, ever. I thought I hurt him again cos he wanted me to feel hurt instead of happy. He wanted me to feel his pain so he put his relationship status and wife’s name for public to see, so I could click the wife’s profile too. I wonder if any one of my assumptions was right. As I browsed some pictures (which I thought are purposely made public), I could see his happy face with his spouse. I felt so relieved. I hope those are genuine and not just cover up. I remember praying to God so he could have a happy life after my episode. I have this guilt for so long already. Maybe I have received my punishment too. Not to mention how long I was being emotionless and unprepared for another relationship after him. I’VE DONE MY TIME RIGHT? Now free me from this guilt. I believe that he and I were not meant to be. I hope he has forgiven me completely cos it’s my turn to move on :) The right person at the right time. Maybe he was not destined to be with me. 

NOTE: FORGIVE ME :)

256's July Journal Day 31: My July Reflection, A Wrap

July is such a wonderful month. It has a lot of memories, good and bad, but I take with me the goods. Maybe my outlook in life just made everything look presentable. Yeah, we and our expectation. I learn a lot from that. I started my 30 days caffeine free since 14th July, and it’s like a breakthrough to any kind of challenges that I had before. Not even a day that I go weak enuff to break it. I like “my persistence”, and it is like never before that I am so determine to change my habit. I know that if I can handle this, I can handle a lot more. A little more on the downside…I still can improve a lot. I don’t think I maximize my time as much as I can. A work need to be done on that… Also, July is the month I start to go back to the kitchen. Seriously! I bake and cook for my family and I love it everytime they finish it and tell me it’s tasty. Something that I have not done so much for the past 5 years! Oh gosh. With just a little more thoughts, it can actually bring family closer. You guys must try that :). All in all, July is such a sweet thing. I take it as a beginning of the wondrous things that will happen in the months to come. Second half of the year. Lets gear up, guys. We gonna achieve missions. 2012, you gonna be awesomely marvellous. 

Have faith and do your best :))

256's July Journal Day 30: 7 Things I Love About July 2012

1. My favourite number is 7, always! 

2. Hey, It’s my birth month! 

3. I started my “once was impossible” no caffeine challenge this month…*grins 

4. Is the most hydrated month so far in 2012, 2 bottles of mineral water per day. How’s that? 

5. Had one of the worst argument and made up in a day – Thank God 

6. A lot of sweet things happened this month, you people pick a good month to start! 

7. It’s a beginning of marvellous things in the months to come. God willing :)

256's July Journal Day 29: OMG, You Can Cook?

Hahahaha. Whatta title. Known as an unknown blogger for years, you reading the stuff that I write here, maybe I show too much of my best side. I mean, it’s like, writing is all I can do okay. Wrong. Do you guys know that I am the family chef too? Hard to believe, maybe. Because to the people who just notice that I do have other skills, they go, Nahhhh, u can’t be that multitalented. Hahahaha. Okay. Not in the sense that I do it really good but at least I have the heart to expand my horizons. LOLS. Yeah, as dramatic as that. Hehehe. 

*giggles... 

I cook this for my family to enjoy too. So doesn't matter if your cooking is not so perfect, you will be appreciated if you have a heart so big to even do all the works. Plus, I love feeding these people I love. And psstt...they do taste better than they look. Have to trust me on that. LOLS :))

256's July Journal Day 28: Birthday Clues

 

I'm not to generous to share more. *giggles. The best things are kept inside my heart :))

 Thank you Lord for the gift of life... :) 

256's July Journal Day 27: No Time? Make It

I know that as time goes, we get busier with things. If you complain not having enuff time for everything back in college, imagine now. More and more stuff need to be taken care of. What if the most important stuff you have, have less time to squeeze in your life? What if you find yourself always busy, that you always don’t have time, not even for family, not even for your spouse, then where all the 24 hours go? Does it mean something when you are too busy even to the closest people in your life, and I bet, at work you also claim you are too busy to take care of everything that you overlook stuff. Then, go ahead and wonder, what is it that occupy your time the most cos you keep saying that you are too busy. Reality check, there’s nothing that you do properly – always claim you have no time. Then what is that? THAT’S WHY we need to do something about it! MAKE TIME. Stop making excuses. You are losing all the treasure every moment hold everytime you are “too busy” for it. Before you know, your most precious jewels are slowly going away from you. So speaking of priorities, YOU MUST know what to put first. Those things, at least won’t get “Oh SORRY, I have no time” from you. It’s not acceptable. Please. Don’t lose your life from “getting busy for nothing”. Life is just temporary. Materials, money, luxury, they don’t last long. These bunch of people in your life now, it’s THEM… who have a heart that is beating. They are there for you. They can feel hurt if u hurt them. They can feel happy when you are for them. They are the human beings God chose to be in your life. You can’t just make their existence unappreciated. They are those who will define YOUR LIFE when you don’t have all those materials. So never be too busy with stuff that are not alive. You gotta make time for your loved ones. Go spend time with them. Have some laugh. Make them happy. Trust me, at the end of the day. They are the reason for your Happy Days. Never be too busy for them. :) God Bless.

256's July Journal Day 26: Close Enuff But Not Too Close

It’s the way I do it. I pick my friends. I don’t just get close to anyone. I can talk to people the whole day, without them knowing my full name and where I live. You wonder why I do that? The friends that I hang out with, they are with me since Uni days. We went through laughter and tears, we argued and made up, and most importantly, they know me inside out. How can they not be my best buddies? They might not always be there for me during my times of need, they might miss wishing me on my bday, they might say something that hurt me… STILL the history doesn’t change. We have learnt to tolerate each other. We have learnt to cope with our shortcomings. And we have commitment for our friendship until now. How can they not be my special friends? The older we get, we do meet loadsa people. We do find some who are good to click with. But then it’s just too raw because the amount of time spent together is just limited. Should they come back in college days, they might be one of your treasured friends. The environment has changed. Goals have also changed. Same goes to priorities. In the job world, everyone can be competitors. Only a few are there for real friendship. That’s why. We are aware of this and we can’t expect much from others. If most people think this way, yes, we can sit in one table and talk and have coffee, have some laughs and share story, still it’s a long way to understand each other’s true colours. From this complication, it’s just safer to have casual friends as companion, but the good friends are reserved for those who have gone through the journey. Cos you don’t have to freaking explain yourself to them. They will find a way to understand. That’s why I always have a special place for them. Unfortunately, that’s the barrier that is always there when we meet new people. As much as they wa nt to be close to us, we can only get close enough, but never too close. Should we become more, let time tell the rest :)

256's July Journal Day 25: The Unavoidable Temptation

We always blame the guy who still lays eyes on other woman, when he already has one loving woman by his side. It’s just so easy to point fingers, calling the guy all the freak names, especially when you become that other woman…and it’s you who have to leave, and get hurt. That’s the risk of being the third person. Have you ever thought that one day, you might just be in the guy’s place? 

You have someone you love, and another person comes in the picture, totally aware that you already have someone, and then he just does his things, impressing you and then you just…simply attracted to him. That tingle of budding attraction, is something that you identify as the best stage in the beginning of a relationship. And you had that with your man, but then you have left that stage. Although it’s now a more stable and steady stage, the feeling of how it started is just – among the best and most treasured. And then, the feeling appears again. Totally out of place. The man by your side is there for you, but you just don’t know how tricky it can be sometimes. When your occupied time is still enough for someone to just make you feel that funny feeling again. Maybe it’s just some elements that make it so abstractly unexplainable. It is pleasant, and the other person’s existence is just giving you a boost of cheerfulness. 

You can’t explain that how on earth, in such a loyalty you have for your man, you still do find another one attractive male, which if you are not in your sane mind, your mind wanders how would it be if your destiny is with the other one. Yeah, you even have that option that what if the other man is better than the man by your side. Maybe only when you feel all this, you would understand your experience with a man who was taken, whose relationship you almost ruined, how he could get attracted to you, and would even think of dumping his own woman because of you. Maybe you would stop blaming that guy for doing that. It feels so real and so surreal. At this point, your heart is really tempted. Your man has no fault. He’s doing his part without fail and he doesn’t know that something has taken place, and does he have to know? This is when your wisdom will determine what’s next. It’s whether you want to risk it, or keep your composure and don’t jeorpardize what’s sure yours. You can’t have both. If you screw, you gonna lose both. Choice is yours.