One-Fine-Day

Actually mau mencari inspirasi ni, tidak semestinya kita tengok ke arah orang2 yang sudah terkenal dan berjaya atau yang sudah billionaires. Inspirasi tu ada di mana2. For me sendiri, sometimes my own customers sendiri pun adalah satu inspirasi.

This one customer of mine, I know her for a long time. Daripada dia kerja accountant di satu company yg ended up tidak bayar her gaji, sampai dia keluar dan kerja di company jual makanan import. And selepas beberapa tahun, dia quit tu company sebab tidak puas hati dengan kegiatan perniagaan yg dibuat oleh bos2 dia.  Dia quit dan mula berjual nasi lemak di Gaya Street time hari minggu, and then buat cod makanan tapau, which masa tu pendapatan tidak menentu, mau ikut sambutan dan kerajinan. Masa tu sia nampak dia a bit hilang arah, sebab marketing FB dia pun dia tidak begitu push, cuma harap pakai wasap ja dengan orang2 yang dia kenal. Market dia limited. Masa tu sia nampak dia sangat memerlukan satu "anjakan paradigma" kalau dia mau pegi jauh. Not long after that, akhirnya dia cari kerja juga. Dia kerja sama this legal office yang ada boss pangkat Datuk yang kuat memaki. Sampai makian tu jadi rutin dorang sehari-hari. Tapi dia tahan juga beberapa bulan. So setiap perkembangan life dia dari masa ke semasa, sia tau sebab selama tempoh tu juga dia tetap jadi my loyal customer. So I can't help but nampak struggle dia dlm life. 

Dan akhirnya dia quit tu legal office, dia bikin satu biz baru bikin kuih lapis. Time tu sia skeptical about the new venture sebab sia sendiri pun bukan penggemar kuih kukus ni semua, so sia wish dia good luck ja la. Sebab sepa tau kan? I still remember dia bikin FB dia, sia lah liker pertama dia. And then dia dapat nda sampai 10 likes di Fb page dia tu. Cos banyak strategi dia belum tau and dia start sangat humble and tidak begitu menonjolkan diri. Bukan jenis suka ambil gambar produk dan lain2. Sia pun fikir percubaan dia kali ni mungkin bukan yg terbaik, sebab nampak betapa slownya dia dalam marketing kuih dia tu. But this was 2 years ago. Sekarang ni, WOW, friendlist dia sudah 5K, sampai dia terpaksa mau delete supaya yang baru boleh masuk. Satu kali dia upload pic, dia akan dapat berpuluh2 likes dari customers yang berpuas hati sama kuih dia. Actually dia teda strategi yg luar biasa. In fact dia teda strategi langsung! Still dengan passive marketing yg kalau sempat upload, sempat lah. Dan if you ask me, apa kelebihan kuih dia, I can't really say it. For me kuih lapis ni kan biasanya terlalu manis dan bukan selalu kita mau makan. Kalau terasa mau makan, ada juga dijual di tamu. Ada yang jual RM2 - 5 biji, ada yang RM1 - 3 biji. But this customer jual kuih dia price yang sangat jauh lagi mahal. Satu biji RM1. Ada sekali tu sia beli satu jenis kuih dia dengan price RM10, masa tu tekejut juga sebab slice dia tu macam yang harga RM2.50, but dia memang letak harga RM10 utk satu bekas. If we buy swiss roll gebu tu pun baru RM7-RM8.50, rasa a bit nda berbaloi juga la masa tu. Masa sia beli tu, sia terfikir apa yang customer dia lain akan rasa dengan harga dia yg sangat mahal. But still, surprisingly, customer kuih dia, adalah mereka2 yang penggemar tegar kuih lapis. Yang tau menilai kualiti dan kesedapan, dan terbukti kualiti kuih customer sia tu adalah menepati citarasa dorang. So biasanya dia dapat tempahan daripada organisasi korporat yang mementingkan kualiti berbanding harga. Hari tu, dia ada join satu jualan di shopping mall, masa tu sia risau juga sebab my other customers ada cakap yang jualan dorang bukannya bagus pun kalau join pesta2 macam tu, sebab terlampau banyak pilihan dan apa lagi kalau ngam2 bulan tua. Sia risau dengan price kuih2 dia tu, dia akan tenggelam dan kuih2 dia tu bukan tahan lama sangat sebab kukus dan ada yg guna santan. But again to my surprise, kuih dia nda sempat sampai di tapak jualan sebab sudah kena pajak time di bonet kereta lagi. Whoa!

So sepa la kita yang mau menilai dan merendahkan usaha orang lain kan? Even sia sendiri pun tidak terkecuali dengan rasa ragu-ragu dengan percubaan baru dia tu. Sia tidak risau juga sebab sia tau dia tidak akan berhenti kalau dia gagal, tapi sepa sangka, dia akhirnya jumpa juga yang betul2 MENGENA sama lubuk rezeki dia. Di sebalik kuih lapis idaman ramai tu, dia sebenarnya invest juga untuk masuk kelas. Dia bayar beratus2 untuk ikut berapa level kemahiran kuih lapis, so dia sedar yang setakat mau harap apa skill yang dia sedia ada, memang susah mau maju. Cuma sebagai someone yg nampak progress kehidupan dia, sia salute betul sama dia ni. Dia berjaya mematahkan keraguan orang sama kemampuan dia. Dan guess what, satu inspirasi yang sia dapat daripada dia ni. Kau buli try berapa banyak bidang pun, tapi mesti ada satu yg betul2 adalah tepat pada sasaran, iaitu suddenly semua akan berjalan lancar selagi kau konsisten dan determined untuk bikin. So pokoknya, kau kena teruskan percubaan demi percubaan. Orang yg give up and suam-suam kuku ni besanya tidak akan sampai tahap ni. Silap2 they won't jumpa tu lubuk rezeki yang mengena sama dorang. I tell you, dalam 10 tahun pun kita cuba, belum tau jumpa, tapi if you stop looking for it, confirm tidak akan jumpa, confirmmm tidak akan jumpa! 

Sia sendiri percaya sama One-fine-day. Benda ni sia pecaya dari mula sia start kerja. Konsep One-fine-day is when kau mau capai something tu, berapa banyak attempt kau bikin pun mungkin kau masih belum capai. Tapi sia anggap ini campurtangan dari Tuhan sebab journey tu sangat berharga. Kalau kau terus capai dengan senang, sesuatu yg kau betul2 mau, mesti impact dia tidak seberapa. Sia percaya, boleh berlakunya pertembungan Keinginan + Peluang + Luck yang akan berlaku secara SERENTAK dan masa tu, benda yang kau hanya akan capai dalam masa 20 tahun dengan usaha yang sedia ada, kau akan dapat dengan TING! Sekelip mata. Maybe you meet the right person or the right opportunity dan yang menjadikan kau layak untuk terima that One-Fine-Day adalah kerana YOU ARE PREPARED for it. Maksudnya, sekarang ni adalah tempoh persediaan. Sebab One-Fine-Day tu akan muncul bila2. Dia akan teased you a bit, sebab sometimes kau rasa dia mau sampai sudah, but sebenarnya tidak. So when it happens, Pastikan Kau ADA DI SANA untuk terima. I tell you, anggaplah semua yg stubborn, tubal, tahan tukul, jiwa kental dalam usaha dorang tu adalah sebab they are simply preparing themselves for that One-Fine-Day. Silap2, mungkin ini yg berlaku sama jutawan2 macam dorang Mark Z, Bill G and Jack M. They bumped into their One-Fine-Day and they just exploded with fortunes. Nda kisah la what you call it, but you gotta believe in that day. A Day When All Things Will Make Sense. Believe in your own One-Fine-Day. One day I'm sure you will have a story like that to inspire the young souls. So guys, this year might just be it. Keep going!

The Storm is in His Hands

I always remember this little story.

 A man just got married and was returning home with his wife. They were crossing a lake in a boat, when suddenly a great storm arose.

The man was a warrior, but the woman became very much afraid because it seemed almost hopeless. The boat was small and the storm was really huge, and any moment they were going to be drowned. But the man sat silently, calm and quiet, as if nothing was happening.

The woman was trembling and she said, “Are you not afraid ? This may be our last moment of life! It doesn’t seem that we will be able to reach the other shore. Only some miracle can save us; otherwise death is certain. Are you not afraid? Are you mad or something? Are you a stone or something?”The woman was trembling and she said, “Are you not afraid ? This may be our last moment of life! It doesn’t seem that we will be able to reach the other shore. Only some miracle can save us; otherwise death is certain. Are you not afraid? Are you mad or something? Are you a stone or something?”

The man laughed and took his sword out of its sheath. The woman was even more puzzled. What he was doing?

Then he brought the naked sword close to the woman’s neck, so close that just a small gap was there and it was almost touching her neck. He said, “Are you afraid?”

She started to laugh and said, “Why should I be afraid? If the sword is in your hands, why I should be afraid? I know you love me.”

He put the sword back and said, "This is my answer: I know God Loves me, and the storm is in His hands. So whatever is going to happen is going to be good.

"If we survive, good; if we don't survive, good. Because everything is in His hands and He cannot do anything wrong.

Credit to: https://www.littlethings.com/husband-wife-drowning-story/1

To Have or Not To Have Kids

Years ago, I first read that Sammi Cheng, the Hong Kong famous actress, decided not to have kids.  Does anyone react to this with "Really?? That's just stupid!" I wonder what's your take on this.

Quoting the news on her decision:

The actress said that she knows what suits her personality and being pregnant is not it, adding, "Taking care of a child requires heart and determination. The world now is not as simple as before. We are lacking in resources and the food and air quality is already poor.

And this is not the first time that I read or heard someone said it. I remember this guyfriend of mine. He said he didn't want to procreate because he doesn't want to pass his traits to his kids and make their lives difficult. Of course I thought he was kidding. But because I know his issues, I think he has a point.

But then try and look around us. Not all kids are given the chance to be raised well by the people who brought them into this world. The adults are getting distracted by issues revolving cost of living, problems dealing with debts and money management, not to mention marital problems that are getting worse in the new era where people have more options to cheat through the technology of social medias. Then look at the crimes today. It's worsening with kids as the easy target. Abuse by the people you trust to take care of them. Then we have Pedophilia, kids of both genders are not spared. The rising of LGBT - they are slowly becoming a new normal. Not to mention, Incest. Horrifying if you ask me! Not to mention the pollution  everywhere! In the air that we breath, the water that we drink, the food that we eat -- toxins everywhere. Oh, even before you go that far, look at the both parents themselves. Sometimes you see the families that are really struggling to even provide food on the table. See how many wives are suffering to be the bread winner of the family, ignorant husbands who are jobless and lazy. Even during pregnancy, wives are going through it alone. But some parents just continue to have another and another kid without family planning. It's our purpose to procreate, Yes, but please also be rational - those little humans ARE HUMAN BEINGS. They are not dolls or toys, a present you give or get to make you happy for a while. NO, THEY ARE NOT. Once you give birth to them that's another soul right inside that tiny body.

I really salute parents who made it. I REALLY DO. That's including our own parents. You guys have successfully carried out a mission given by God. You raised your kids well, you sent them to school, you guided them through their teenage years and saw them grow as sensible adults who can carry out the same mission for their next generations. You defy all the worldly challenges and prove that no one should make Excuses when it comes to giving the best for your children. For the love of God, I really salute you guys. It's not fair to say that You're just lucky. I know you did everything you can to make this world bearable for them. Thank God that you defy your physical, mental and emotional issues from stopping you from your responsibilities towards these little humans that you bring to this world. Thank you for raising us well, our parents.

But not all are fit and capable to do it. As we are now adults, the world is getting older. It's getting too polluted and tainted. The uncertainties that we gonna fail them, even the just thoughts are too much to accept. These little humans are too precious. Sometimes I wonder, if I have my own kids, I'd be constantly worrying about them. If you are a perfectionist like me, it's even more difficult to deal with your expectations. When I say, I only want the best for my kids, I mean it and I must do it. But the reality is I'm not even that secured with this world myself. I always have to be extra careful with all my steps to just secure my own safety. I mean, the possibility of failing the little angels, I just can't brain even just a little thought of it. You can't take chances with this. You can't say, it's either I can raise them well or not. If I can, okay la, if not, what to do lah? And then, look at the way I think, imagine if I pass this kind of difficult personality to my kids, I don't know how they gonna survive this rough world. Oh garsh the thoughts almost choke me. LOLS

Ah, so I decided to make it a laughing matter in the end. But at least did I raise some arguments why some people decide not to have kids? Lets not judge them on their decision. It doesn't sound good, it's not that normal, but it's very rational. This kind of decision is made with proper planning. These people are still thousand times better than those who go ahead with their way and then only think that they don't want the kid when it's too late and then resort to abortion or baby dumping. Stop that stupidity. You don't own that life to end them that way, you understand??

Kids deserve the best. Invite them to this world only when you are fully determined and don't ever back out from that mission cos I repeat, KIDS ARE NOT DOLLS OR TOYS; a present that you give and get to make you happy for a while. Please take the decision seriously cos they are a mission from above. To all parents, please continue to do your best. May God bless all of you!

That Faceless 3-Digit Number

Since I first come up with this pen name, I'm like a Number without a face. People don't know how I look like. From chatrooms, to blog and then FB, there's only a lot to read but nothing much to see. Maybe this is just a lil exaggerated cos I didn't actually plot all this carefully like some of you think. "Sis, you have a well-planned internet personality". Heck, I did not plan it. At least you know my gender. Or could some of you think there's a plot twist in my gender too? Hahahahaa

I did upload a few photos before, incomplete photos but still  real photos. Actually, you guys come to the point that you thought there's nothing you can get from me, so some of you would thought it was some random pics that I put there. Actually those are all the pieces of my real pictures. Hahahaha. What do you think of me? That I'm playing a game? Who am I to even cause that much hype. With and without face, who am I to actually be questioned, Hey 256, damn you, why do you do that? I mean, now it reminds me of K-o-k-o-l  E-l-f. They are being slammed for posing high entrance fee but why do people get mad over that? It's their place, they build it, they fund it and we are not even involved in any of the procedure and guess what, we can go all over the world and just go ahead and skip that place. No one's getting harmed right? It's the same with me here. Lets not be bothered about this 3 little digits over here. If you like what I write, hooray! Thank you! and lets just come and read but please don't let my internet identity steal your sleep. I fricking don't deserve that! Please don't be bothered that much bah! LOLS

Let me tell you more. This is me going with the flow. Nothing about this is planned and plotted nicely. Even in real life, I'm actually a low key kind of person. Because I love my peaceful life, away from unnecessary attention. Let me just remind you, I pick this nick twofivesix[256] in MIRC back in 2008 was because I thought it wouldn't get easy attention. Even the people in my surroundings where I work now, do you believe when I say that they maybe familiar with my face, maybe we have exchanged smile and even short chats, but there's really nothing much that they know about me. To best describe this, the cashier in this stationery shop that I often go, she saw me coming to the shop buying all kinds of stuff, the boss recognized my long hair, we even wave to each other when we pass by, but guess what, they are still guessing, Where do you work? Some of them thought I was a clerk at an office somewhere in the building, judging from what I bought. Then one day, when I asked the cashier a question, she actually referred to a certain place she knows. "You go there la, I think you can find it there". You know what? She was actually referring to my workplace!!Technically she's introducing me and promoting to me my own place bah! My point is, I'm still using the same privacy concept in the real world. I'm still mysterious, unknown and they still need to solve some puzzles, if they care. But good, they just accept that much and not become too curious. Hehe

This is just the way my life is and I enjoy the peaceful nature of it. I have no pressure to let people know who I am to do my work well. Because my customers know me. My closefriends and families, and the relatives, they know me. Most importantly they know what I do, what I can do, and they will go to me when they need me. Even on the other side of the world where I am not 256, I still keep that mysterious side because I don't roll the drum or hit the gong everywhere I go. My U-mates don't know what I'm doing with my life after graduation. They saw me on Fb, they add me, but they are still doubtful if that's really me. Heck, they even saw my phone number there but they still don't go and find out. Maybe they just respect the privacy. I still remember last year, when the 4 of my closest buddies met up at a mall, and took pictures and one of us actually posted them to FB, we got many reactions to the pics. Like WHOAA, is that 256? Omigawd where is she now? Send my regards to her. I saw a few comments particularly mentioning me. All from the friends I know back in school. I'm touched when I read the comments because it was like they cared to know about me and have good memories of me, but I did not speak up and say  hi to them back when I could just do that. They asked my friend, Tell me her fb! Tell me her phone number! All that happened on the comment box where I could read them myself but I really didn't respond anything. LOLS. And my friend actually link to my Fb so the rest can click, but they were doubtful cos I was not using my name in that Fb so only a few clicked and sent a friend request. I accepted them all. It's enuff that I see their updates but I don't necessarily want to talk. Trying to be friendly to everyone is just taking too much energy for me. They will ask me questions, and I will have to write and talk. Same thing over and over again. These few friends of mine that I feel free to meet, are the people who don't have questions. They are there every step of the way. They know how things progress. They know where I live, where I work, and they fricking don't need any long explanation from me except for a few situations when they were curious about some guys I was dating and stuff. Hahahahaa.

This life is just awesome. I love this kind of life. Like I rather have people underestimate me hundreds of times if they want, cos I  will still be doing my thing. I don't want to care what kind of conclusion they have in their mind, as long as they keep it in their heart, and they still smile when we meet; so who cares what they are thinking. Cos I don't have the power to control all that and I don't want to do that job. One day when they have the chance to really get to know just a bit more, maybe they'll change their mind. That I'm actually not that terrible. My unpopular life is actually awesome because I deal with much much less unnecessary stress coming from people that don't matter. That's why, the people who meet me everyday, they know I live my life everyday with a purpose and responsibility, they know I want to achieve excellence in my daily tasks.  When I heard my friend said, "Bestnya jadi kau kan?" Ah, at least one person thinks so and she is the one who talks to me everyday, that's enough for me.

So with this understanding, please just let me be this way. Trust me I still deal with wrong people despite all these privacy thing. I still loved the wrong guy, I still got cheated, I still made mistakes, I still hurt and break hearts, so trust me I have enough sugar and spice just by staying this way. But the rest, lets just leave it to chance. Who knows right? 

Thank you guys. Luv ya all.

Clarity

I first heard this song Clarity (originally by Zedd) from Angelica Hale, 9 years old that time in America's Got Talent 2017. I thought the song was so awesome and then when I listened to the original song, I didn't like it. Looks like it was Angelica's talent that brought that song to a new height. If you look at the latest videos from her, she's a little grown up now since the Clarity days. I'm sure she will grow up to become a front row singer, but still, her image of lil-girl singing this song at the AGT will always be the most memorable ones. For a second, I thought that if only she didn't grow up that fast. Who can stop time, right? It's for the good of everyone. When I saw people like Angelica with such a gifted talent which most of us don't have, I thought that there must be something that God gave us that actually is the same level as Angelica with her singing talent. Not all of us are meant to go on stage and share that talent with the world but we all have our own platform to shine. No stage, no problem. You can be a silent poet that touch the hearts of many with your beautiful poems. Find that gift and don't waste it  :)

You Can't Touch A Woman Who...

Hi people! Happy New Year 2019!!! I'm so glad that I have my mind Not too excited about new-year-new-me kinda thing, Nah, I don't do that nonsense. At least not anymore. I will continue being myself from 2018. My version of 2018 is actually my favourite. I'm clear about many things in my crowded head. When I plan, I put into action, and not sure why, but there are just luck elements that come in my favour. Yess, works of God. Apart from that, it's just Me who is doing my thing, just going a year older and forcefully wiser (No choice! LOLS). So this year, I will fix my 2018 bugs. I will prove that I have time for everything, including my blog. I want to write more this year. Yes, this is still me, the same writer who wrote all the junks in this blog since 2008.

So about the Title, it grabs my attention when I read it in someone's Fb bio. From my understanding, when it says You Can't Touch A Woman, it doesn't mean physical touch. It's about the woman's strength and durability to face anything. I'm not sure if I am that woman since it sounds like she has dealth with hell and comes out alive. I think we women have different battles. Some are physical but mostly are mental and emotional. Not to mention our individual traits that make some of us more vulnerable than the others. A simple occurrence can impact some women more severely than the others. So our life journey is like the experiments to uncover all the contents in our DNA. So no matter what we have to deal, we still have to deal with them successfully. Leaving all the wounds and scars behind, after crying ocean of tears, and still standing tall. So, to all the women who walk to this 2019, we can't help but be brilliant in every decision. We bend rules but we have principles. This isn't just about merely surviving but surviving with Great Honour. Come to think about it, why not lets just try and be a good reference to that quote. We deserve Happiness. Full stop. So lets conquer our 2019 goals, make more memories and add another awesome chapter in our book of life. God bless!

My Dear Ex...

Many years have left, I have nothing but dumped memories about this guy. To recall back, I deserved all the heartbreak. Only a week ago, I thought of going back to some of the files I saved in my cd. It has many memories of him that I have made peace with. Guess what, then I remember what a great guy he was to me. I remember quoting being treated like a princess by him. Suddenly I decided he was still the best guy among them. It took me days to reminisce the happy things and maybe try to recall if I were really that stupid to let a guy like him go. Wow, really. I was drowned in good thoughts of him. What a really really awesome guy he was to compare to some of the guys after him. And guys like him was definitely near extinction. 

Then only after the few days, I remember the bad things. His bad temper. His smoking habit. His bad money management. Then I remember I had my reasons why I said I was not prepared for the next level. And those flowery thoughts of him suddenly start to fade now. Fade and tasteless. But I'm glad I had the few days of awesome thoughts of him cos it doesn't last that long. I'm glad that I have that tribute for him. For once I thought the feeling gonna stay, but hell no. It's disappearing like the morning fog.

I even dreamt of him last nite. I dreamt that he and I are in touch once again. We are in each other's desk, and we type something in our pc like we are writing for each other. I said to myself, oh, now I'm a grown up woman, there's no harm in this friendship. Then I woke up shaking my head. It was after the dream that I felt that I had enough for this guy's memories. I'm sure I'm still a painful memory to him too. I'm not sure if he has forgiven me but I hope he has. Oh, I remember one dream I had when I was still in a relationship with him. That he came to my house wearing his tuxedo. He came to pick me up. I was also in my white wedding dress. But surprisingly, I felt so bitter about going with him. I Refused. He left in anger, and I had no single regrets. But that time, I always knew I was never prepared for that commitment with him. The dream didn't surprise me but I still thought the outcome of reality could be better. But sadly, nope. 

My point is, revisiting memories is not bad at all. But they gonna last really short so just take what's good while you are at it. My dear ex, thanks for "visiting". May God bless you always.

If We Live Longer...

I remember this friend. Many years ago, back in Uni, we were next-door neighbours, But our rooms were only separated by a wall. So I could know if she was in her room or not. And that time, she was dating this one guy who kept her time occupied. We were not really in good terms back then because of our different social values, different lifestyle, so she wasn't my favourite friend, but strange enough, there were times when I felt so lonely when I knew she wasn't in her room. I could see from my window if her room was dark, I knew she must be somewhere with the guy. I dislike the idea that her room was empty.  I remember the feeling. Though I was not consumed by that loneliness, but still there was a little sadness. But isn't life like that? Eventually we would all be separated to lead our own lives, and speaking of a friend who I don't like, it must not be hard to never see her again after we graduated. That's what in our simple thought, but not exactly.

As I examine my life now, after so many years leaving Uni days, today, that friend is still around. In fact she is the one who needs my attention that sometimes I ignore her because I am too busy with my other work. Then she has no choice but to come to me because I am the only one who could do it for her. Of course, at the present, things are going well in our lives respectively, but it does go a long way how we are still being around each other, needing each other despite our differences. When she looked like she is the one who needs my presence, I could not help but smile, and thought if she had any idea she did make me feel lonely when she was not in her room when we were neighbours back in Uni days. And it is as if she reacts to me that "I am here and you will see my face often, now you can't say you are lonely anymore". Hahahaa. Funny silly, but that's life. I'm still glad we all live this far to experience all this.

If we live longer enough, we will get to see more hatred turns into love. Revenge into forgiveness. Rejection into acceptance. Heartache and failure are the biggest contributors to our wisdom, and our stupid decisions are what making us experienced. For now, it's pointless to think when will our journey end, because one day we could reach 70 and realize we waste so much time thinking we may not make it to 50. It's not our Job. Our job is TO LIVE WELL while we still alive. Lets do that :)

If You Can't Find It In Your Heart...

Counting days to Christmas, I am not as excited that I ever was because I'm putting my mind on some "Reality issues" that have happened this year. How my cousin got "paranormal" experience on Good Friday, how she suddenly spoke like she was possessed by the Holy Spirit, asking her father (my youngest uncle) to "come back to Him" which we thought it meant "to repent". Then a few months after that, that uncle of mine was called to eternal rest without a warning. He died in sleep at the age of 46. We act like we have moved on, no we have not. And then another uncle and another, have different health issue like a curse. That's how affected they are by the loss of the youngest brother. They wonder if they also "go" without seeing the next sunshine. Sometimes I wonder maybe all my tears that I don't cry, they have to express in a different way.

I think this Christmas has to be the time when we become alive again, not just literally, but means to really really be alive again in every possible meaning. We can't continue wasting it. We can't continue planting hatred and watering grudge. It's unfair to those who go untimely, they would do anything to still be alive another day, and yet here we are still "not" be exactly alive. Sometimes it's devastating to think that Why do we come to life to feel all this love and magnificent experience on earth and after all that, we have no choice but - to die. It's so devastating that our loved ones have to face it too. The thought is so hurtful.

And yet here I am still not being my best. Still saving it for tomorrow to become better. I am still not good for everything that I have conscience for, and everything that I'm actually capable of. These thoughts are too heavy that this Christmas has to be about recollecting. If I haven't started it already, now I have to. Darn it, stop saving the best for later. The best is for today. The best is for now. I hate having awesome celebrations just to walk the same person into the new year and giving myself all the false hopes again. When the fact is that I just want to remain the same.

I want to give and love more than I ever did. Like seriously. I don't want to regret any second. I don't believe that God gives us all this wisdom just so we could just ask Him for anything we want. I don't believe this is all we can do. We can do more than this. We can love more. We can achieve more. We certainly can be more alive than this.

So that's Christmas 2017 for me. A Christmas of recollection. I am big enough to figure out and I will not waste an inch of this conscience to bring to 2018. I am officially over my immature years, I must start to act likewise. So that's Christmas for me this time. And that's the kind of meaning that Christmas will have in my heart. It's not about the material anymore. If there's something I could offer is just how I love them deeply and sincerely.

As the saying goes, if you can't find Christmas in your heart, you won't find it under the tree.

My Stress Pair - A Pepsi & Nips

Just about a week ago, I faced a difficult situation. A sudden shock of challenge that came without warning. It got me really really down instantly. I realize that the reason I was like that is because I've been too comfortable for way too long. If I start looking for Pepsi and Nips Peanut, you know that I am struggling emotionally. These two are my Stress Pair.

I remember I could not see Nips Peanut around. It was out of stock. I searched in 3 different shops, NONE. I had to buy a different package, the one that has 16 smaller packs inside it but it's fine as long as it's Nips Peanut. I had to console myself. A mixture of embarrassment, pity, challenged, threatened - roll all into one. I must say it's been a while since I had a Pepsi and a Nips Peanut cos I always have my emotion under control. But this one, I was a bit beaten up.I swore to myself that I was gonna regain my sanity just after I had my Pepsi and Nips Peanut but first I must have them. They helped me to cool down. Imagine that I left only a few small packs of that Nips. I ate them like a monster. I was deeply deeply sunk in my cortisol.

The next day I woke up better. And then the next day. And a week went by. Finally, Today comes. I finally SAW the whole picture of my stress episode. The thing that triggered my stress level a week ago, IS OFFICIALLY NEUTRALIZED today. Only a week ago I was totally defeated and today I'm back on the battle ground. Looks like my threats are not BAD AT ALL. The new competitor turns into my biggest comfort of help, and as friendly as possible. I was totally wrong. My stress came from easy conclusion. Should I wait a little longer, I could have avoided from shooting sugar intake from the Pepsi & Nips. But still, some things are meant to be. I had to go through that difficult hour of becoming my own biggest enemy to see things clearer. One that thing I'm glad anyway, as bad as I described it, I only had a Pepsi & Nips and not anything more extreme, more foolish, more childish than that. Hehe