Saturday, December 16, 2017

If You Can't Find It In Your Heart...

Counting days to Christmas, I am not as excited that I ever was because I'm putting my mind on some "Reality issues" that have happened this year. How my cousin got "paranormal" experience on Good Friday, how she suddenly spoke like she was possessed by the Holy Spirit, asking her father (my youngest uncle) to "come back to Him" which we thought it meant "to repent". Then a few months after that, that uncle of mine was called to eternal rest without a warning. He died in sleep at the age of 46. We act like we have moved on, no we have not. And then another uncle and another, have different health issue like a curse. That's how affected they are by the loss of the youngest brother. They wonder if they also "go" without seeing the next sunshine. Sometimes I wonder maybe all my tears that I don't cry, they have to express in a different way.

I think this Christmas has to be the time when we become alive again, not just literally, but means to really really be alive again in every possible meaning. We can't continue wasting it. We can't continue planting hatred and watering grudge. It's unfair to those who go untimely, they would do anything to still be alive another day, and yet here we are still "not" be exactly alive. Sometimes it's devastating to think that Why do we come to life to feel all this love and magnificent experience on earth and after all that, we have no choice but - to die. It's so devastating that our loved ones have to face it too. The thought is so hurtful.

And yet here I am still not being my best. Still saving it for tomorrow to become better. I am still not good for everything that I have conscience for, and everything that I'm actually capable of. These thoughts are too heavy that this Christmas has to be about recollecting. If I haven't started it already, now I have to. Darn it, stop saving the best for later. The best is for today. The best is for now. I hate having awesome celebrations just to walk the same person into the new year and giving myself all the false hopes again. When the fact is that I just want to remain the same.

I want to give and love more than I ever did. Like seriously. I don't want to regret any second. I don't believe that God gives us all this wisdom just so we could just ask Him for anything we want. I don't believe this is all we can do. We can do more than this. We can love more. We can achieve more. We certainly can be more alive than this.

So that's Christmas 2017 for me. A Christmas of recollection. I am big enough to figure out and I will not waste an inch of this conscience to bring to 2018. I am officially over my immature years, I must start to act likewise. So that's Christmas for me this time. And that's the kind of meaning that Christmas will have in my heart. It's not about the material anymore. If there's something I could offer is just how I love them deeply and sincerely.

As the saying goes, if you can't find Christmas in your heart, you won't find it under the tree.

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