"I Want A Gift From You..."

All my life, I have my good guyfriends who actually asked for a gift from me. Actually, you guys know that I’m one stubborn homo-sapien. Hehehe. I dislike it when I do something feeling like I’m taking orders. You will only spoil my intention of giving you something the moment you actually “request” for a gift from me. It’s strange that I act this way, right guys? When I was still at school, I remember that this new friend of mine, he’d been calling me and engaged me in long conversations once in a while. He even came to whe my hostel that time, and left “a gift” at the Student Affairs office – claiming that, “Tell 256 that her brother comes and give her this.” It was a purple bead handbag. So cute. And So sweet. But since I didn’t ask for it, I expected that he gave the gift without asking something in return. But he actually asked for “a gift from me” for his coming birthday that time. Since that he asked, I didn’t feel like giving. I don’t give people something because they ASK. Hey, that’s strange, but that’s me. Yes, I didn’t give him anything for his birthday. “Hey where’s my gift?” I just said, “Opps sorry, I forgot your bday.” Hehehehe. Yeah, when he stopped asking for it, I finally gave him something for Christmas. *Lols.

Actually, something like that happened to me again. Someone made the same request again. I was surprised because I never asked for a gift from other people, and still people could get the idea of asking something from me. Hehehehe. I mean, I actually find it very cute when a guy asked for a gift from me. This latest request that I get, is actually the most interesting one. Of all the things he could ask for, he actually asked for something “not so popular” in the list. You could ask for a date, a shirt, a pair or shoes – anything familiar like that. But this guy actually asked for something – that could not be found at any shop. I was startled for a while and said, “Wow…what a request.” He just asked me for something – which is the most valuable material that I ever given to someone in my life. At least I thought so. Because the gift could only be produced if you use a lot of time, and most importantly, you would not do it if it were not for someone you Love so much. Without any of those, it is impossible to make it. The last person who received the gift from me – I thought he was the first and last person to receive it from me. And although now I know it isn’t so, I don’t think I could ever make another one like that. It takes too much of my time to do it.

Most importantly, if I were to give something like that, it’s my decision, not yours. You know why the gift request is so interesting when it comes from this person? Because he predicts that we won’t be there in each other’s life that long, only this gift is the best token that will remind him that we are once, friends. That time when he made the request, I didn’t know how to answer him so that I won’t hurt him. I remember making funny jokes just to change the topic, but he insisted to hear that I said Yes, I will make the gift for you. But I couldn’t say it, because I don’t want him to keep hoping,

Then I had the urge of asking him this.

“Why do you ask for this gift?”

He said this, “Because I made one for you too.”

Wow. I was so surprised.

He continued, “From this, you will know everything. Even the unsaid. That’s why I want something the same from you. So that I can keep it.”

I felt quite touched actually. Hehehehe. But if he wants something like that from me, I need a better excuse. Anyway, now that his bday has passed, I don’t know why I feel a bit guilty. Maybe because I know it would mean so much to him and I was never serious enough to really make it matters to me.

I think it’s better than we don’t ask for anything from anyone. Just let the person give something voluntarily, because that’s “a gift” really means, right? The last time I asked for a gift from my boyfriend, I caused him a lot of troubles. I stopped requesting since then. Hehehehe. And another stupid rule that I follow; unless he’s my boyfriend, I only give a guy a gift to “reply” his gift - so I will never give first. Not sure if I have broken this rule too. Hope not. Hahahahahahaha.

Anyway, don’t you want a sincere gift that comes from the heart? If yes, then stop asking for one. You will get one if people think you deserve it :)

Kena Sebiji!!

Ohoo…you guys ingat si Batu Api hari tu?

Now sia sudah build resistant secara diam2.

Tadi dia datang lagi pi tempat sia, dan buka lagi cerita tentang orang yang komplen sia dulu tu, iaitu boss dia. Hubungan kami baik2 saja kalau bukan pasal mulut staff dia ni. And pada masa yang sama, dia ni pernah hire cousin sia kerja sama dia, tapi ada masalah payment lambat. So issue sia yang berkaitan dengan dia, lebih daripada setakat dia komplen belakang, tapi juga pasal dia ada buat silap sikit dengan my guy cousin ni. So staff dia yang Batu Api ni, tau the whole story.

Masa dia datang tempat sia tu, dia kasi kait la pasal cousin sia tu. Dari memek muka dia, sia tauu yang sia expect sia kasi keluar ketidakpuasan hati sia dan cakap something bad tentang boss dia tu. Dia berabis mau jack2 sia supaya cakap something bad – macam kasitau la keburukan2 boss dia tu yang make me say something bad to get back at her. It’s so so predictable.

Terus sia cakap la dengan muka yang sangat2 innocent… “I think apa juga yang dia buat, dia mesti ada reason untuk buat apa dia buat. Mungkin kalau sia di tempat dia pun sia buat mcm tu juga, so sia paham situasi dia. Hal dia sama cousin sia, biarlah dorang settle sendiri. Sia langsung nda tau menau tu hal.” And then sia smile sama dia, smile yg teda menyimpan sebarang isi tersirat. Heheeheh

Terus you guys know what….lain ba muka dia terus. Macam sakit hati dia sia nda cakap something bad pasal boss dia tu. Macam la sia nda tau yang kalau sia cakap apa2, dia akan pegi kasi sampai dengan boss dia tu supaya boss dia tu cakap lagi something nda baik dan dia kasi sampai lagi sama sia, dan who’s clapping hands again?? AHAAA…kalau dia pikir dia buli trap sia sama mulut BATU API dia tu, minta maap laahh…Enuff is enuff!! Sia banyak lagi mau pikir, bukan perangai dia tu pula sia pi layan.

Sudah la macam tu…dia asyik cakap pasal rambut sia ja. Tu hari dia buat muka tekejut yg nampak sia sudah get a new haircut and then yes, memang la I lost my long hair, tapi so far all cakap my new haircut nice. Dia sorang ja yang cakap lain sikit. Macam dia mau make me feel so bad losing my long hair and dia cakap, “Alaaa… terus sia pun nda jadi o pigi minta gunting kalau macam ni.” Tekejut juga sia dia cakap begitu, as if la rambut dia tu panjang mengurai. Padahal pindik ba guys!! Yang sia pun tidak tau dia mau putung jadi apa lagi kalau sudah gitu pindik hair dia. *Lols. Terus kelucuan sia ni ba. Nda abis2 ooo. Terus tu, tadi dia ternampak sia, dia cakap lagi something pasal my hair. Sia cakap, “Don’t worry about my hair”. Sia anggap ja dia tu an upset fan of my long hair. Heheheheheheheheehehehehhe…:P

Kalau ada orang mcm ni tempat kamu, you guys how to get to them back. It’s very rewarding tengok reaction di muka dorang, bila kata2 hasutan dorang tu tidak diresap oleh otak kamu. Kotohhhh bilang tu odu2. (Hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha)

Jangan lupa kita cermin diri sendiri, jangan sampai kita pula yang jadi batu api orang. Teda faedah tu and bikin malu lagi kalau orang boleh baca semua pergerakan dan niat kamu tu. Ok guys? Ok set!! 

Less Smarter Boyfriend, Anyone?

First, sia tulis ni sebab sia mau make it clear to everyone. Speaking of smart ladies tu semua…actually ini bukanlah double standard terhadap lelaki yg tidak berpelajaran tinggi. NO NO NO! Tidak sama sekali. So let me explain ah.

Sia harap kamu sudah baca my post “How Do You Define Intelligence?” – nahh…di sana sia sudah tulis apa yang membuatkan seseorang tu intelligent bagi sia. Bukan tahap pendidikan dia, bukan sama sekali. So if you ask me, when it comes to picking who to date and marry, mestikah dia lebih pandai? I would still say YES. But definisi pandai tu bukanlah dia mesti ada Master atau PHD. Yes, SPM pun buli!!! (Ya, termasuklah yang nda sempat2 ambik result SPMnya tu!! *Lols. /me capat2 tapuk)

Senang cakap la…If you guys ada baca my older post pasal intelligence, you will understand yang sia tidak pernah amalkan double standard sama org yang pendidikan dia lebih rendah. Tidak payah cakap banyak. All I need is a CONVERSATION and from there I can know if they person is intelligent or not. It’s from how he speaks, what he speaks about, the ways he perceives things and so on…HERE, is where intelligence lies. So if you have a degree but you talk like some stupidas, your freaking certificate won’t change it.

I always believe in someone’s gifted ability. They might be a good thinker but they don’t excel in science and maths, so they could become school-dropouts. That’s not where they shine the most. I truly believe in that. So now, speaking of a partner (boyfriend) who is less smarter, it comes back to the girl, how she defines intelligence. I remember my mom asked me about the qualification of my boyfriend that time, I said that he’s a Diploma holder. My mom was giving “not a so good reaction” through her face. Hey, diploma okay what? Biar la SPM, I will still go out with him kalau sia sudah suka, nda kisahlah apa my parents cakap. Erksss!!

Let’s not rely on the superficiality or good impressions alone. I don’t gamble with my life just to put “a good cover”- Oh, I’m dating a PHD holder wooo… Padulik apa kan? Kalau sia dengar ada kawan2 sia cakap mcm tu, sia sikit pun nda peduli. Apa guna juga tu semua kalau teda keserasian. Kalau tidak talk the same language. Susah la kan? I am a person who loves to talk and talk and talk. But I also like to listen and listen a lot. It’s only fair if I find a boyfriend yang macam tu juga supaya he can keeps me company. Tapi nda kisah la apa kelulusan dia, tapi kalau kau mau bincang pasal hal2 semasa, dia cakap benda2 yang bodoh. When kau minta pendapat dia, dia cakap, “ENTAH LAHH…” (Nahh, jan kamurang tidak tau ahh, sia nda suka org cakap I don’t know secara berleluasa. *Lols) And then, bila tanya kita mau pi mana, dia cakap, mana2 ja la, ikut kau ja. Bila tanya dia something, dia cakap, “Alaa…biar la ba tu.” You see? Untuk orang mcm sia, lelaki mcm ni memang tidak ngam. Sebab dia tidak dapat buat sia improve diri sia. He won’t make me a better person. What’s the point?? Di sini la sia boleh label dia sebagai Less Smarter sebab dia less informative, tidak suka belajar, tidak mau perbaiki diri dan jenis yang “malas mau ambil tau” hal sekeliling dan tidak ada pendirian. In my case, that’s bad news. Sebab characters mcm ni bertentangan dengan sia – we won’t be helping each other. So it’s more on keserasian ba tu. Sijil2 tu semua nda ble pakai la at this stage. You must Walk The Talk, bebeh!!

Apa pun guys…tahap pendidikan ni bukan percaturan kita sebab bukan sijil kita yang menentukan kebijaksanaan kita. Boleh jawab exam paper, maybelah. Tapi hidup ni bukan mcm exam paper. Kena bijak bertimbang dalam buat keputusan. If you ask me, I would want a smarter guy…sebabnya… senang ja.

Sia ni perempuan, dan sia mau jadi perempuan dalam satu perhubungan tu. Sia tidak berminat mau jadi leader kepada partner sia, sebab dia yang dilahirkan untuk pegang tugas tu. Jadi secara logiknya, dia tidak boleh lead sia kalau dia sendiri less smarter than me. Okay la, let’s make it less complicated. Kalau pun the guy feels that I’m smarter than him, tapi he has a fighting spirit yang mau maju dan orang yang ada principles, sia yakin yg org mcm ni is good enough. Untuk sia yang banyak kelemahan ni, bukan susah mau cari org mcm tu. Sebab walaupun mungkin sia lebih banyak membaca dan mendengar, but maybe the guy more on hands-on experiences. So sia tetap banyak mau belajar dari dia. Tapi honestly speaking, I met a few guys who think I’m too smart for them- awal2 lagi sudah akun kalah ba. So bagi sia, it’s not a question whether or not I want him to be smarter, but he MUST be smarter baru la sia pun dapat maju. Betul ka tidak?

Nahhh...apa pun sia yakin lelaki pun mencari criteria tertentu juga dari segi ni. Kalau inda pandai pun dorang rasa kau boring, kalau telampau pandai pun dorang rasa tergugat. Jadi… ingat tu lagu Iwan tu… carilah yang “sedang2 saja” baa. *Lols. I mean, yg lebih tepat lagi, tepuk dada tanya selera. Masing2 punya permintaan, pandai2 la cari yg bersesuaian ok? Ok set!

The Dangerous Emotion Trap

Sia ingat2 balik perkara yang berlaku hari ni…

I feel good with my work.

I’ve done a lot of good jobs. I’ve used my time wisely. I had some laughing moments exchanging sms. I went to IRC and talked for a bit and had fun. A guy acquaintant came to my place and complimented me something about my looks. I paid for something and the person gave me a discount rate though I didn’t ask for it.

But when I reached home just now… I was feeling down.Baring di katil, still feeling down. Something is bothering me. Kenapa ni ahh? Why feel mcm ni?

Something is NOT right. Sebab kalau ingat2 sepanjang hari ni, it was more on the good things. Something Very Wrong is going inside my mind.Something that is starting to affect me. Kalau sia layan2 ni feeling, sia boleh rasa yg life sia ni worthless. Wow. Just like that?

Suddenly I start to look at the negative elements of my life. I found out that the friends that I treasure – are actually less than I thought they were. Suddenly I feel so worthless- So all this while I’m making friends with people who are not making things better for me? Suddenly I feel like I’m just wasting my time. And suddenly I feel so bad because I let go off the people who wanted to be in my life. And I now imagine how many worthy hearts that I hurt – and then choose to mingle with a group of friends who eventually prove themselves unworthy. Suddenly I feel so bad about my work. I think my work is so slow and I made a lot of wrong decisions. Whoaa…the thoughts were killing me. Gila kan guys? You read it, you pun rasa benda ni crazy. Tapi itu lah yang actually bothering me. Ntah dari mana tu pikiran datang.

Sedarkah kamu bila benda ni berlaku dengan kamu? Life kamu bukan main bagus lagi serba serbinya. Bukankah itu yg kamu mau? But suddenly your own EMOTIONS start to ruin everything dengan berpikir benda yang bukan2. Sedar tidak sedar, ini lah yang berlaku pada kita bila emosi kita mencapai kestabilan, pikiran kita sendiri yang cuba merosakkannya.

I know this very ideal married couple since last year. Life dorang cukup best. They are both good looking people, married for 10 years, dua2 pegawai tinggi, drive kereta mewah, rumah besar – Cuma anak saja yang belum ada. But dorang dibagitau dorang teda masalah dapat anak. Cuma belum rezeki. Sia envy the lady because her handsome and well built husband sayang betul sama dia. Walaupun sudah kawin gitu lama, still her husband treats dia as if dorang baru juga kawin. Sia pun tekejut bila tau dorang sudah 10 tahun kawin – memang blessed. Sepatutnya the lady sudah capai tahap kestabilan emosi dia at this stage. But guess what? Assistant dia datang tempat sia tadi dan cerita yang boss perempuan dia tu baru2 tu menangis2 mengadu sama dia sebab dia rasa life dia betul2 teda makna. Dia rindu sama family dia di Semenanjung dan dia mau tukar kerja pegi sana but husband dia nda suruh. Orang lain menangis2 sebab husband dorang main kayu tiga, tapi dia ni pula, husband ampai2 sana love habis sama dia, dia cari “hal baru” untuk feel bad about life dia. You guys see that? Dia sudah tinggal di Sabah begitu lama, but now baru dia rasa memberontak mau tukar tempat kerja when everything is stable. Out of nowhere ba ni hal. Teda angina teda rebut, kau cari conflict baru dalam life kau.

Ini la yang sia baru saja namakan sebagai Emotions Trap. Sia baru terpikir the best word to describe it sebab this could be the thing that explains WHY hidup manusia tidak pernah senang lama. Mesti ada2 saja yang bikin dorang sedih dan sakit hati. Semua dari kepala sendiri saja. Kalau semalam your hubby tidak pukul u, hari ni pun sama juga, but hari ni u rasa sakit. Why? Nahh…teda sepa pukul kau tapi kau cari reason lain untuk rasa sakit. Sia boleh cakap I go through something like this just now. Things are still the same but suddenly I saw some elements are going against me. T since sia berabis cari reason “what to call this” – then automatik sia slow down sia punya proses “perangkap emosi”. Kalau sia tidak sedar “keganjilan” ni, confirm sia sedang depress ni sekarang.

Heran betul. Bukan element sekeliling kita yang buat kita mcm tu. When the world has stopped hurting you, you find an excuse to hurt yourself. It’s true, guys!! Think about it. Actually, masa sia jumpa my bestfriend hari tu, dia pun sama juga. Dia suddenly mengadu sama sia yang dia betul2 tertekan. Padahal dia sudah dapat kerja yang dia mau, dan dia happy sama family dia. Masa dia sibuk bercakap tu, terus sia pun sibuk menganalisis “Apa kena sama dia ni ah?”. Then lepas dia habis cakap, sia cakap gini. “Begini pula manusia ni kan. Memang habit dorang untuk cari conflict when everything else in place.” Buli2 dia terpikir, “I would love to quit my job and stay di rumah saja.” Padahal selama ni dia yg betul2 tergila-gilakan kerja dia tu, sampai terpikir mau buat company engineering sendiri. Ntah dari mana pikiran dia tu datang, nda pasal2 menjejaskan kualiti hidup dia.

Now sia paham satu perangai luar-sedar manusia ni. The good thing about realizing this is you don’t get carried away with it. Your Life Is How You See Things. Don’t get into the Emotion Trap, guys…If you entertain your stupid unexplained thoughts, you’re actually lured to get in the trap. DON’T go there, guys. You never know what it is going to do to your life.

Say NO to Emotion Trap.

How You Can Be Good Enough To Date but Not Best to Marry?

Hey ladies. Do you ladies realize something? Let me tell ya. Lets say you go for an interview and failed to get the job, what do you think? You think you’re not qualified? Think again, my friends. I learnt about my friend who was rejected for a job, despite knowing English and Mandarin so well which was the job main criteria. The only reason is because she asked RM50 more than what the company offered for the job!! Seriously!!! She learnt about it because one of the interviews was a friend to her friend. So, a potential candidate like her got rejected, just like that~!! And it was for RM50??? Whoaa… now you tell me. Is it enough reason to grief? Of course No!!!

So let’s apply this in what is seemingly more challenging than to get a freaking job. It comes down to romantic relationship and --- to tie the knot!! Why is it so hard to find the right man to match the picture of the Prince Charming in our mind? Most importantly, why the guys who date you never actually bring up the question of marriage? Why? Why you have a lot of fans who want to cling with you but never even imagine you become their future wife?? Yep…let’s see what I can spontaneously compile here for ya guys, especially the ladies.

1. You’re Too Brainy

Some guys are not a fighter. They are always insecure. If you’re that hot and always get attention, this will put him on fire. One is jealousy because the other men are tailing you, the other type of jealousy is when you make him feel inferior because he doesn’t get that much attention from other women. Like, it’s not a fair game. He doesn’t get the chance to make you feel like what you make him feel. This is definitely a point-out for their ego. If their losing on their ego, Ah-ah…he might not be able to handle this pressure too long. He’ll date you but silently look around for a lady who could give him the security – to be the one to become his wife. Yes, and she might be less hotter than you! *giggles.

3. You’re Too Friendly

Some guys would kill because of their jealousy. They could not get over it. They hate it when you make too much friends, especially the blokes. And in extreme situation, he actually hates it even if you are with your female friends, when you’re spending so much quality times with them instead of with him. At one point, you could be listening to his explosion, “Do you think you are marrying her, or me?” He might prefers someone who put him as priority and nothing else. I mean, now you know why less outgoing ladies could have a lot of fans too!!

4. You’re Too Independent

Whoa…this one is VERY serious actually. Well, not to count to the losers who are depending on their wife’s money. I’m talking about the real typical guys who actually believe in becoming the leader of the family. I found quite many of them still, so don’t think that this species is already extinct. One of my good guyfriends told this to me, “I want the girl to need me. I want her to call me in the middle of the nite so I could take her to the hospital to visit a relative, or something like that. I want to feel useful and needed. I want that there are times that she couldn’t go on without me.” That says it all. So if you’re already very independent, again, it hurts his pride and he might not think you’re the best person to be his wife. Ouch!

5. You’re Too Strong In Characters

You’re very well-spoken and confident – your characters become noticeably a lot stronger than him. You’re a better decision maker than him. Leaving him feeling stupid and useless, again. This also contributes to insecurity, hurt of pride and ego and you’re not helping him building his self-respect- especially when you are very opinionated and thinks that whatever comes from your mind is true and his is just second class (which could be true!) so when he feel so unreliable when he’s with you, I think he would settle for someone who listen to what he says and follow him around without further disagreement.

6. You’re Too Career-Driven

A lot of women these days are educated. It scares the heck out of the single guys out there. Especially the old fashion lads who want to be the boss, inside and outside the house. Yes when he’s dating you, you can have your job, but when it comes to marriage, he might want you to stay at home and look after the family alone. The educated ladies might not agree with this because they don’t want to waste their abilities on becoming a housewife. Why they don’t want you to work? Because you’ll be exposed to affairs with the men you associate with. (Other reasons are only excuses, such as, I’m worry about your safety, I want you to concentrate on our home and the children we are going to have…and bla bla bla… all excuses only that!!! /me capat2 tapuk sebelum mendapat sebarang bantahan Hahahaahahahahaha)

7. You’re just TOO GOOD for him!!!

Oh well, here’s the real issue actually!! *Grinzzz. Hahahahaahaha. You’re too good for someone like him that he thinks that he’s not your match. When you’re too good, there’s a chance of the marriage to get shaky because you have much larger options than him, and he has everything to lose if he marries you. He prefers to pick a lady who is still a long way behind him so that he feels in control. He doesn’t want to lose you to someone better and that gonna end him up in disaster.

Oh well, what do you guys think??? (HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Okay, let me make this very clear to you. I write this to boost the confidence of the ladies who think they are NOT good enough just because nobody speaks of marriage to them yet. I tell you, the guys reject you as a wife NOT like what you normal think. Not because you’re not good. It’s all the question of security, ego and pride – which to us, are tolerable. But not to them.

So ladies….please don’t ever feel down just yet, cos a man who is good enough to lead you and make you ever better, is out there. :) Remember, it’s not because you’re no good enough, it’s because you’re just TOO good. :)

Blame It On The Wet Floor!!

I think it happened last week. My bro Jojon knows about this hal because I told him just after that. *Lols.

Yes, actually I just came out from the ladies, holding my handwash in a bottle. I noticed that the cleaner was mopping the floor, but she was mopping at the other side. So I assumed the floor I was about to walk on, was not wet and slippery. Actually my only concern was I didn’t want to make her job harder by walking on the floor she just mopped. So thinking that the floor I was about to walk on had not been mopped yet, so I just walked without hesitation. And then, I don’t know how one of my shoes suddenly slipped and I lost my balance and fell to the floor, I hit my knees and my handwash bottle got smashed and the pump was disconnected from the bottle. I could see that some of the foam was all over the floor. It was not such a bad falling drama actually. It was a light one. But since I wasn’t ready for it, I felt like the floor deserved my cursing my swearing from me. Yes, I blame it on the floor. The cleaner saw it because she was mopping. She said, “Licin tu lantai tuu”. When I got up, I made a face that I was so angry “with the floor”. Hahahaahahahahaahahahahahaahahaha.

Ouch!! Did the cleaner think otherwise? Actually, I don’t plan to write about my slipping incident in this blog, but I think that the little incident actually affected someone else more that it has affected me. I just learnt about it just now. Actually, that particular cleaner was not seen around here since that day. Ouch! What happened? I notice it day to day. Where is she? I thought that the worst it could be is she was afraid that I blame it on her, so she didn’t want to work on the floor where I am, and changed floor with her other friend. Ouch! It could not be because of the slipping incident right? But guess what…she didn’t actually just change floor, but…

She actually quits her job!!!

I overheard someone asked her friend just now. Omigawdddd…just because I fell on the floor she mopped and then she quits??? Or is this coincidence??

I have reasons why I thought that it could be the reason why she quits. Some of the inhabitants of these lots are fussy complainers. They complain about small things. The last time one of the cleaners expelled was because she was caught doing “sexual acts” with his boyfriend in public. Someone made a complaint and then she was fired. Now… did the cleaner actually thought I was going to complain that I slipped the floor because of her? Ouch!!! Sia bukan puteri raja ba sampai tergelincir sikit pun mau complain. *Lols. And mind you, I never made any complaint so far. I have been this Very nice, and gentle, and friendly, and very courteous one, (HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. Ok, I’m kidding!!!)

Duii giaaa. Kenapa la ba juga kalau sia tergelincir kan? Buli juga sia bangun balik kan. Bukan apa juga ba tu. It’s just a minor one. It was an accident ba tu kan. Kesian pula sia rasa. Anyway, I will talk to her when I find her around. Remind me to wear the sweetest smile so that she gets the message straight. I slipped the floor, it was not your fault, it’s the floor’s!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Note: 256, please be careful with your heels or you gonna cost some people their job. Erkss! Sorryyyy… /me buat muka inesen. (*Lols) Bagus kau buang la tu kasut kau tu 256!! Itu kasut kau baitu kali!!! *Lols. (/me pingsan ketawa). Yeah right, sia buang tu kasut sia, tapi kasi bili sia baru!!! Hahaahahahahahaa. Mulau, cakap sama diri sendiri. *Lols

Does First Love Matter To The Guys?

First skali sia mau muahsss Ulalku sebab inspired me tulis ni post tanpa disengajakan olehnya. *Lols

If you guys have read about The Captain’s Story – how he mentioned about his first love…although it could be just an ice breaking to get in a deep conversation with me, but I actually believe that First Love DOES mean so much to some guys.

After associated with different kind of guys, Yes, dorang memang sukakan perempuan – memang women (AND sex) are their favourite subject- but then boleh sia katakan yang maybe ITU SAJA yang sama. Lain2 hal tu berbeza. Ada yang kuat nangis, ada yang tidak pandai nangis…ya know, you are all different ba.

Ada juga guys ni jenis yang betul2 more on the physical saja…tapi emosi dorang keras. Dorang date habis2 mcm2 perempuan, tapi dorang suka2 ja untuk dapat kepuasan. Dorang tidak ada perasaan pun dengan perempuan2 tu. Dorang tidak mudah untuk memberikan perasaan tu sama perempuan. Ha, kalau jenis mcm ni, sia confirm la itu FIRST LOVE memang antara ada atau tiada. Sebab First Love tu punya definition pun buli mixed up juga, contohnya …Apa itu first love? The first girl I dated? Or first girl I kissed? The first girl I had sex with? Nahh…if soalan2 begitu keluar, memang you cannot name it. I define First Love as the first time itu “crazy emotion” taking you over. Macam hati kau sudah terpaut sama dia the way it never hit you before. Sampai mau tidur sama gambar dia, sampai mau dengar suara dia hari2, sampai gila bayang laa senang cerita! *Lols. Bagi sia, masa tu baru kau rasa yang “begini pula kalau emosi kau sudah tersentuh” dengan seseorang. Yes, it’s emotions. It doesn’t matter you dated berapa banyak perempuan, tapi kalau something like that has never happened to you, then sinang cakap la! Confirm itu first love belum terjadi pada kau.

Orang cakap semua lelaki ni memang ada ciri2 “buaya darat” – sia setuju. Tapi mcm yang sia cakap tadi, itu saja persamaan dorang. Benda2 lain tu tidak sama. Even tahap kebuayaan dorang tu pun actually tidak sama! Tahap kenakalan, tahap keberanian dan mcm2 lagi. Itu bukan semuanya sama. So ini yg memungkinkan bahawa walaupun lelaki kebanyakannya mau pok perempuan atas sebab2 fizikal, tapi ada lelaki2 ni sangat menitikberatkan soal emosi dorang. Bila dorang fall in love, dorang terus berubah. Ini menunjukkan dorang sudah dikawal oleh emosi dorang. I mean, Yes, you thought that benda ni happen sama perempuan ja, tapi sebenarnya lelaki pun boleh mendapat effect yg sama!

Sia pernah dengar beberapa cerita tragis juga pasal Love ni. Actually, Tidak kisah la love ke berapa kali punya. Tapi untuk mereka yang “bertuah”, mesti ada satu chapter kisah cinta dorang yang betul2 meninggalkan kesan di hati dorang. So bagi sia, benda tu masih dikira sebagai First Love – iaitu first time la emotions to betul2 overwhelming. Cerita ni tentang seorang lelaki yg betul2 sayang sama girlfriend dia. But girlfriend dia ni jenis demanding ba. Masa tu lelaki tu baru juga kakai2 mau buat duit, but perempuan kesayangan dia tu mungkin not that excited with the relationship. Lelaki tu cakap, dia sudah sayang dan jaga tu perempuan baik2. Apa dia mau semua dia cuba kasi sedia. Tapi akhirnya, perempuan tu lari sama lelaki lain yg lagi kaya. Then masa tu betul2 luka hati lelaki ni sebab dia rasa tidak adil dia diperlakukan mcm tu. Dia rasa diri dia teda guna sebab kana reject. Dia rasa mcm sampah sebab tidak dihargai. Dia betul2 kecewa tahap maksimum. Then start dari sana la, dia mula sudah jadi seorang lelaki yg liar. Kerja dia tiap malam MESTI pegi clubbing dan main sama GRO ni sudah makanan dia. Bah, nama pun bujang, then kerja jauh dari family, sepa mau larang kan? So main perempuan ni sudah sangat common sama dia – tiap2 kali pulang nite club, mesti dia cerita apa thrill terbaru dia. Perempuan macamana, bangsa apa, dan sebagainya. Bila sia dengar cerita dia tu, I remember saying, “Uiyoo, kasi rusak perempuan ja kerja dia ni.” Lepas tu, dari sana la sia kena kasi cerita pasal frustration dia yang sudah mengubah diri dia. Dia rasa kalau dia buat gitu, dia dapat balas dendam sama perempuan. Dia berazam dia mau “f*ck around” saja tanpa ada perasaan sama mana2 perempuan. Dia sudah give up mau jatuh cinta ba. Dia cakap, dulu dia cinta mati2 tu perempuan, tapi tu perempuan “ludah” sama dia. So, u guys imagine la, gara2 satu perempuan kasi kecewa dia, dia screw up life dia. Cos apa yang dia buat tu actually teda arah ba. You guys know that jiwa dia kosong. Now sepa berani cakap yg Love tu teda effect sama lelaki?

One of my ex boyfriends pernah said this to me. Although I was not the first girl who came into his life, he felt like I was his first love. Sebab he said baru kali ni dia rasa betul2 mcm “floating” di cloud 9. Yes, macamana pun u guys describe la. But at least, in my ex punya case, that’s how he label his first love. It’s when the satu ombak emosi yang tiba2 hit kau ba tu. Ishhh, punya la susah mau describe. *Lols. Sampaikan ombak segala pun masuk ba. Hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

So if sia came across guys who said dia masih sayang first love dia, sia akan percaya apa dia cakap. Sebab maybe you date with 10 perempuan tapi tiada ikatan perasaan pun bah, so when you finally rasa perasaan tu, you know “this could be love”. Nda kisah la apa benda tu sebenarnya, yang penting perasaan yg terjadi di hati kamurang tu yang buat kami rasa best betul. Perasaan ni yang kamu ingat selama yang mungkin.

So buaya macamana pun lelaki ni, sia tetap percaya yang dorang ada perasaan cinta yang real sama perempuan tertentu dalam life dorang. Sia tidak akan perlekehkan keupayaan lelaki untuk betul2 jujur dalam mencintai pasangan dorang, walaupun orang sibuk becakap yg mulut lelaki ni nda ble pecaya. Nda pa guys, sia TATAPS pecaya sama kamurang tu!!! (*Lols). Cuma dalam kes captain dalam post sia yang lepas tu, I don’t appreciate it la if kau buat sia panat2 dengar cerita kau and then kau cakap inda tentu2 sama sia. Lain kaliii…kalau mau cakap nda tentu2, don’t take too long. Cakap terus so sia nda buang masa.sia tulung pikir solution problem kau tu. Deiii…

Tapi kalau sudah kawin dengan orang lain, jangan la ba susah2 mau pikir cinta yang sudah berlalu tu, biar pun tu first love yang betul2 bertapak di hati kamu. Takut2 nanti yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran. Betul ka tidak, kawan2? Ada2 saja ba life ni kan guys…hehehehe. Pandai2 la kamurang handle dilemma yang mengugat jiwa dan raga kamurang tu ahh…Muahsss all. (Panat sudah sia muahhhh kamurang daripada post yang dulu2 lagi ni…eiiiii. *Lols)

Ada Discount Kah?

Sedar nda sedar, “Ada diskaun ka?” is satu line yang sangat sinonim dengan sesetengah orang. Kadang2 satu barang tu dijual dengan harga yang tinggi, so logic jugalah kalau pembeli tu mau minta kurang. Tapi benda ni sudah habit, sampaikan yang harga murah, dorang akan still tanya “Tidak boleh kurang lagi kah?” *Lols. Sia rasa funny betul. Actually, when I was still in school, I was also like that. Suka minta kurang. Even masa beli baju pun, kalau harga dia ada .90 di hujung, kira syukur la dia kasi kurang tu .90 tu!!! Hahahaahahahahahaha. Actually, it’s initially about saving some money as much as you can, so you can use it to buy more things. But come to think about it, it could be more than just saving. It becomes a habit just to get the thrill of getting lower price.

Dulu masa sia student, I think it’s stupid to just agree to pay the price when bargaining looks possible. Unless it’s in the supermarket, or restaurant, it’s different. But I think I wasn’t as bad as it could get, cos I have a friend who minta kurang harga masa dia pegi ambil gambar passport!! Hahahahahahahahaha. Sia dekat nda pecaya, sampai benda2 mcm tu pun dia terpikir mau minta kurang. It’s quite unheard of kan? And surprisingly, itu lelaki Cina naik kesian juga dengan kawan sia tu…so dia kasi kurang juga RM1. *Lols. Masa student, you don’t really feel about saving face, right? I’m curious if that friend of mine still do it now that she’s a high rank officer. Hahahahaahahaha.

I just learnt that I have stopped bargaining for cheaper price…especially services. I went in a random saloon, asked the person how much they are charging for rebonding, and she said, RM180 for your hair – using Wella products. Considering that the place is quite silent and clean, I said, OK. And then, considering that my hair was going to cause them a lot of work, then I saved myself from asking for a lower price. The main reason for that was because I didn’t want a second class service from their hands. I know that I could save RM30 if I go to other saloon. But I also have to consider my time and my energy to reach that other saloon. My time and my energy do cost something.

Another thing is, people would understand if students ask for a cheaper price, but people find it annoying if you wear decent office clothes and still you’re asking for a cheaper price for something that is already very cheap. Kalau sebagai tukang jual, mungkin kau akan yang rasa yang orang mcm ni cuma menunjuk-nunjuk saja, tapi benda kecil2 pun mau tawar menawar. Hahahaahahahahahaha. Well, it all makes sense ba kan? Doing what I do now, sia jumpa mcm2 karenah customer. If I were to set a price, boleh dikatakan my price is average dan sangat berpatutan – looking at the value of art behind the service or goods. But kalau dibandingkan dengan hal2 lain, memang the price is considered high. Contohnya, if you bandingkan my price dengan harga 10kg beras yang you boleh pakai sampai 1 bulan, haa…memang my price mahal. Hehehe. But terpulang sama org la kalau mau banding my artwork dengan harga beras. Hahahaha. These days, I will still ask for cheaper price, but only IF I buy something in large quantity. If I want to buy only one and think it’s expensive, then leave it. Kan memang adat membeli macam ni? It’s not like, you have RM1 but you want to buy something with the price RM2, then you paksa2 tu penjual kasi kurang 50% dengan alasan, “Sia cuma ada RM1!!” Hahahaahahahahah…ridiculous. Please don’t make me laugh, ok? My concept is quite simple – if you can’t afford something, don’t buy it.

So when sia face customers yang ada habit minta kurang ni…awal2 tu sia selalu lembut hati. But then I learn that I must be professional. If it’s too costly, then go find someone else. I have to do that because I understand the value of my work and I know some people who are doing the same thing would call me stupid to charge that low. I have to be firm to preserve the value of my work. As buyers, we must understand that. The choice of buying is yours. If you think she’s charging too high, then go find someone else. You must consider the availability and accessibility of the service or product. Like, why Pearl can be costly though it’s something natural found in the deep sea? It’s not like they’re using all the high-tech machine to make each of the pearl, right? Until you know that it takes years for the quality pearl to be produced naturally. And not everyone could make the effort to look for them.

So once you understand ni hal semua…maybe you can evaluate how people put price on their service or product – and why you cannot compare dengan barangan yang not belong to the category and sentimental value. It took a while for me to understand value kerja orang, and now when sia sudah paham, sia usually tidak akan tawar menawar especially when benda tu sia susah mau jumpa- I will just ask, If I could get special price if I buy in large quantity- It’s very fair, right? Ada satu benda tu orang buat sampai 2 minggu, dia jual dengan harga RM20, kau minta kurang lagi sampai RM10, iaitu ngam2 cover harga material saja. Ada kamurang pikir value tu tenaga dan masa dia – and artwork dia? Ahaaa…u guys kena tau how untuk nilai kerja orang.

Dengan pemahaman sia tentang hal ni, explains my reaction in this situation. This service/product biasa kena charge RM12 di kedai lain but I put the charge only RM5 – terus ada tu customer pigang2 anak2 dia, susah2 pegi tempat sia hanya untuk tanya, “Teda kurang lagi ka tu?” Instead of jawab dia, terus sia ketawa geli hati – Mau juga sia try taruh RM1, dan tinguk adakah orang tanya, “Ini kalau 50 sen, boleh kah?” (HAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA).

Ada lagi satu…Price display taruh yang this one item costs RM5 each, but for quantity 100 and above RM3 each, and 300 and above is RM2 each and 500 and above is RM 1.50 each – so you guys know what? Ni betul2 bikin ketawa. Ada tu customer cakap, “RM 1.50 ja kalau 500 kah?” “Yes, but cheap kan. But you must order banyak lah.” Dia betul2 excited dengan tu price, sia pun heran. Cos walaupun murah, tetap juga you kena order begitu banyak baru dapat that price. Last2…rupanyaaa customer tu pikir RM1.50 ja untuk 500 biji ba!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAA. Logik la ba sikittttt. Satu biji kena jual RM 5, tiba2 500 biji ja RM1.50 hahaahahahahahaahahahahah. I mean, you guys see ka? Even if you silap baca tu price tag, u boleh pikir ba kan sama ada benda tu logic ja tidak. Adoiiiiii…nda abis2 ba sama karenah manusia ni. So nda pasal2 customer tu malu sendiri.

Bahhh…kalau mau tawar menawar harga tu pun, kena lah berpada-pada…jangan kamurang kana lecture balik oleh tu tukang jual la…iaitu, “KAU PEGI BUAT LA SENDIRI TU BARANG DENGAN HARGA 50 SEN LEPAS TU KAU JUAL SAMA SIA. SIA PAJAK DALAM 1000 KEPING, APA MACAM??”

(Hahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaha /me pingsan ketawa)

Muahsss all.

Tarikan Seorang Perempuan Di Mata Lelaki

Sia tulis subject ni berkesinambungan daripada previous post Guy Talk. Baca komen2 my loyal readers yang tidak asing lagi tu hehehe…it made me thinking…I need to write another post. Actually I don’t have a clear thing to write about as I’m typing this. I’m waiting for the magic to happen again. Hahahahahahaha.

Well, dalam kesibukan lelaki bercakap pasal sifat2 fizikal seorang perempuan – dan how most obviously tarikan seorang perempuan adalah pada fizikalnya…I think you guys tidak go case by case basis bah ni. I have to write this to defend my fellow friends, The Eve Generation. Bukan semua perempuan dikurniakan kecantikan fizikal – not to mention that Kecantikan itu terletak pada mata yang memandang. If kecantikan tu terletak pada bentuk badan dan kekiutan muka perempuan tu…Are you sure? Cuba kamurang pikir betul2 ahh. Are you sure that’s what you guys are looking for?

Seumur hidup sia sebagai seorang perempuan, serba sedikit sia paham sudah apa tarikan perempuan di mata seorang lelaki. You guys have to take into account tentang citarasa manusia yang berbeza. Kalau si Wine cakap tu perempuan A tu tidak menarik, mungkin juga si Ulal rasa perempuan tu cukup menarik. Itu baru dengar dari 2 orang. Belum lagi dengar 20 orang dan seterusnya. You guys kena mengaku juga yang as much as you want to hear what your eyes are saying, sebenarnya bukan mata kamu tu saja yang ada pendapat dia tersendiri. Kalau kamu tengok tu gambar satu perempuan, maybe it’s easy to decide, if she’s attractive or not. But it’s not final. Kau kena kenal tu perempuan sebagai seorang manusia, at least bercakap dengan dia – dan barulah u can decide apa pendapat kau tentang perempuan ni. Banyak benda yang membuatkan seorang perempuan tu menarik, dan banyak yg membuatkan dia tidak menarik. Mungkin dari jauh perempuan tu nampak sombong, tapi bila cakap dengan dia, baru kau tau dia actually seorang yang sangat menghiburkan.

Dan element2 sampingan ini yg actually “define” that woman more accurately. Element sampingan ni terlalu banyak! Sampaikan kau sedar rupa fizikal dia tu yang paling uncit sekali. Cara dia bercakap, apa yang dia cakap, senyuman dia, style dia respond to you, how she listens to you…semua tu actually mendatangkan lebih banyak impact lagi pada orang lain, particularly men. Sebab element2 ini yang menghubungkan seseorang tu dengan orang lain. Kalau setakat dia cantik dipandang saja, tapi itu saja quality dia yang paling menonjol, tarikan tu cuma sementara saja.

You guys kena give chance to the ladies to prove themselves beyond looks and physicality. Whoaaa…sounds like begging pula. Hahahaahahahaha. No, sia bercakap ni supaya kamurang jangan simply pandang perempuan yg kurang tarikan fizikal tu dengan sebelah mata saja. Mentang2 la ada satu perempuan tu yang lebih menonjol, automatic kena pandang sebelah mata ja perempuan yg tidak sebegitu menonjol. Belum lagi kamurang kenal dia betul2, pun sudah kena lempar diskriminasi. “Dia inda cantik ba…malas sia mau kawan sama dia.”

For the ladies…actually kamu tidak perlu terlalu terbawa2 sama obsesi mau cantik saja. Sebenarnya kamu lupa yang tarikan seorang perempuan – PERCAYA ATAU TIDAK – terletak pada keyakinan diri dia. Kalau dia ada strongwill dan bijak guna akal – ini lah tarikan sebenar kamu. Sebab kalau setakat mau cantik di muka, kamu hantam la tu mekap. Pegi belajar macamana mau mekap, pakai tu kiob palsu, mascara – haa!! Tampal sana sini…cantik juga tu. Kalau muka dia naturally cantik tapi tidak terurus, tidak berhias barang sedikit pun, automatic kecantikan tu malap. Tapi lain2 element tu kau tidak boleh buat2 macam tu ja. You can’t fake it. Daripada kamu sibuk2 mau pikir, “Alah sia nda cantik baa”, bagus lagi kamu lengkapkan diri kamu dengan kualiti2 yang tidak boleh dijual beli. Cari kekuatan tu dalam diri kamu semua and unleash it. Perbaiki mana yang boleh.

Ada lelaki ni betul2 ada masalah keyakinan diri. Dorang pun tidak sedar dorang mcm tu sampailah dorang jumpa perempuan yg ada keyakinan diri yang tiada pada diri dorang. Jadi bila dorang bersama dengan perempuan mcm ni, dorang rasa satu bahagian dalam diri dorang tu sudah terisi. Dorang rasa dorang memiliki keyakinan itu kalau bersama-sama dengan perempuan tu. Dan bila ada kualiti tertentu yang mengisi kekurangan diri kamu and make you feel better, kamu tau yang kualiti itu lebih penting daripada setakat rupa fizikal dia. Dan mind you, kamu boleh jumpa 10 perempuan cantik tapi tiada satu pun yg ada keyakinan diri yang kamu cari. Masa tu la kamu rasa kecantikan tu actually “kosong” sebab mau cari perempuan cantik ni, BERLAMBAK ba!! Dorang tidak akan hidup dengan kecantikan saja. Mesti ada strong points yg lain baru la orang actually iktiraf kecantikan dia tu sebagai cantik.

Speaking of you guys duduk lepak2 dan tengok2 perempuan yg limpas2… Kalau perempuan tidak menarik dan kamu tidak terasa mau tinguk dia…well, anggap ja la perempuan tu sudah selamat daripada mata keranjang kamu tu. Hahahahahahahaha. Apa juga kan? Teda hal ba tu. Apa juga kalau rugi satu satu dua pandangan mata. Teda jadi hal. Yang penting diri kamu tidak terjejas. Honestly, sia sendiri TIDAK SUKA kalau ada mata yang tengok kalau sia limpas dorang. If ada lelaki2 duduk satu meja, confirm mesti mata melilau tengok perempuan. Kalau sia ada pilihan, sia tidak akan lalu dekat dorang. Sia akan pusing jalan jauh sebab sekiranya dorang tengok tempat sia, sia rasa awkward betul. Ntah apa la yang dorang tengok sangat tu. Apa lagi kalau dorang siul2 atau buat2 bunyi, sia rasa mcm mau umban sesuatu pi tempat dorang suruh diam! Hahahaahahahahahaahahahahahaha. So if now you ask me, apa pula rasanya kalau sia limpas, langsung tu lelaki2 nda tinguk? Waahhh…kan sudah bagus tuu?? Sia buli lalu dengan senang hati, no issue berbangkit. So untuk mengelakkan sia terpikir buat benda2 bodoh tu, sia prefer tidak lalu depan dorang. Actually untuk buat lelaki memaling muka dorang ke arah kita (perempuan) ni senang ja baaa. Tidak payah mau cantik mcm tu Miss Universe. Pakai seksi sikit pun dorang tinguk sudah tu. Teda juga dapat apa2 ba tu kalau kena tinguk. Hehehehehe. Buat penat mata kamu ja ba tu guys. Hahahahahahaahaha. (Tu diaa, nasihat si 256 *Lols)

Jadi? Apa kesimpulannya ni? Tidak payah mau pikir2 sangat sepa akan terpikat dengan kita, sepa yang tidak terpikat dengan kita. God is fair ba. Confirm setiap kita ada magnet tersendiri, yang akan menarik orang2 yang tertentu. Tidak payah pun itu Brad Pitt yang tertarik sama kita, cukup la kita punya Prince Charming yang suka dengan kita. Hehehehe. Apa juga guna kau mau kumpul ramai2 peminat, bukan juga kau terlayan semua tu, kan? So jangan penat2kan diri untuk mendapat perhatian lelaki. Buat saja apa yang terbaik kau buli buat. Jadi la diri sendiri. Kalau si Ulal atau si Wine tidak terpikat sama kamu, belum tentu lagi si Nantung pun tidak terpikat sama kamu. *Lols So jangan susah2 kan diri mau sedih2 kenapa laaa dorang tidak suka dengan sia sedangkan sia suka sama dorang. Haiyaa!! Mesti the right one is still out there ba tu

So men, now you know yang walaupun ada perempuan ni montel ka, overweight ka, terlampau kurus kering ka, or flatchested ka, teda punggung ka – RILEKS saja baa geng!! Kalau tu lelaki mau cair sama kau, dia akan cair juga tu walaupun kau semontel mana. Kau jua dia kejar tu, walaupun ada tu Angelina Jolie limpas depan dia. Hahahahahahaha.

Okay, now pandangan peribadi sia sendiri. Sometimes you think it’s tiring sebab attraction ni random ba. Satu masa tu kamu mau sangat ada lelaki tergila-gilakan kamu, but satu kali kena, kamu rasa sakit jiwa pula. Masa tu baru kamu sedar yang BUKAN ITU yang kamu mau. Kamu cuma mau org yang kamu sayang tu dapat sayang kamu balik. That’s all. Buat apa mau kumpul ramai2 peminat tapi dorang membebankan kamu kan? BUT… kalau la kamu ni jenis bertuah yang ramai peminat, syukur juga la ba sikit. Bukan senang. Bukan kamu ada masuk tv or keluar debut album- tiba2 ja ada peminat ramai. Nahhh…kan best tu? So apa pun kejadiannya, jan susah2 kan diri kamu tu. Buat yang terbaik saja dan YAKIN bahawa nda kisah la apa orang cakap, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL in your own way. Until you see that, then only you are good enough to be loved.

And as for the guys…we are not afraid of kekurangan kami di mata kamu. Kamu jangan lupa yang kamu pun ada kekurangan juga di mata kami. *Lols (:PPPPPPP Hahahaahahahahahah) Okay, next time sia tulis pasal tarikan lelaki di mata perempuan. Itu pun kalau got free time la ahhhh guyssss (/me pingsan tawa. Just teasing you guys ba. Hahahahahahahahahahaha)

Yang baik dijadikan tauladan, yang jahat dijadikan sempadan.

Muahsss

A Captain's Story

This has something to do with the post “It’s Never Too Late For Anything”, I mentioned about “the man with speeds” – and here he is.

He bumped into me last year. It was a brief encounter and we got to talk a bit. What dragged us into further conversation was when we found out that we were graduated from the same institution. We opened story by story, question by question. Maybe from there, he was feeling comfortable talking with me and started to get into his personal stories. He’s married with a Sabahan lady, with 3 kids now. He mentioned about his daily work as a Captain – he said it’s almost meetings and he has to put up an act that he’s actually enjoy his job. The way he described it, he was doing the job as a source of income and nothing else. It’s his qualification that entitled him to secure the position. With the income of handsome 4-figure, moving around with a driver at his service, he has pretty much nothing to worry about.

Then he went into his colleagues’ afterwork activities. They would party all they like. The masculinity in their job sort of giving them the green light that it’s their nature to party with karaoke-ing and girls, of course. He said that some of his friends would line up 3 GROs for one nite, especially for single men. He said jokingly that he envied his single friends, because they could get girls easily. It’s not the same with him because he found it hard to get the girls because of his married status. Well, I would describe this man as handsome, tall and dark Malay man. He is decent and well-mannered, but wait until you hear more.

He started to get into his marriage life. Admitting that he was the famous Casanova back in college years – he dated girls from all races. He dated one girl after another just for the fun of it. That’s what he did. He said there’s only one girl that he actually truly loved, and he knew the girl for 13 years already. The girl was once his girlfriend but then she dumped him because she couldn’t stand him being a womanizer. So he had to let her go. He thought he could get over her but he failed. So moving on with his life, he set a target that he MUST get married after graduation. So after graduation, he was looking for a girl to marry to meet his target. The girl he loved was seeing someone else that time and then there was another girl who loved him. Without much thinking, he picked the girl who loved him. He married her – thinking that he would learn to love her eventually. What’s most important is, HIS TARGET to get married. After 3 kids, he said his heart was still with the girl he loved. “I thought I could get over her now that we have 3 kids. I’m wrong. I went to see psychotherapist for counseling, tried anything just so I could forget the girl, but I couldn’t. I’M SUFFERING INSIDE.”

“There’s no way I can let people know what I’m feeling inside. I have this unfulfilled longing feelings because I feel that my heart is empty. Yes I do love my wife but it’s just different. She’s my wife, of course I love her. But my heart feels so empty.”

After listening to him, then I asked…

“Why did you marry the girl you didn’t love?”

“Because she’s the only one there for me, that time. I needed to get married because I set the target that I MUST get married after I graduated.”

“Why didn’t you wait for a little while until you are settled with the best choice? What’s with this target thing anyway? Why it was such a hurry to get married after graduation?”

“You don’t understand. When a man sets a target, he MUST fulfill it. Otherwise, he’s considered a loser. It’s important for men to reach their target in time.”

“Oh really. So why are you here regretting about “ a fulfilled target?” To me it makes no difference. It still ends you up quite pathetically. Feeling empty and lost in this seemingly good life you’re having. So is the target worth it, or not?”

“If only I knew I was going to end up like this, I could have waited for her. I regret it that I get married in such a hurry.”

“Try to forget her. You have your wife. Make your wife fill that empty space.”

“You don’t understand. A man will never forget his first love. Men can look strong and all, but you don’t know what they are feeling inside. And it’s not easy to make my wife fill that empty space because my heart is with someone else”

“Where is she now?”

“She’s married as second wife. I want to marry her if she could get a divorce.”

Enough. I ask you again, there’s nothing wrong in setting target about when do you want to achieve something – but if it’s not a matter or life and death, you can always adjust your target so that you could settle for the best. I mean, in his case, it’s pity that after doing everything to achieve his targets, he still feels empty in the end. I just feel that he makes the targets to fulfil the community expectation. He wanted to be looked successful because he’s following the standards that people set. I want to say, Poor him, because he must be feeling very empty to speak to a stranger like me and pour out his grievance- that he could not even say it to his own wife. I could see the pressure in his tone as he spoke. It was pity to be in his shoes.

I proved my theory right that when you do something because you want to put a good mask just to buy impressions – you could end up like him. To me, the best should happen in the heart. If the best is for other people to see but you’re feeling all wrecked up inside, you’ll end up like him. You need help.

And after the conversation, maybe he felt a sense of relief. He said that he had not laughed for a long time, until he met me. He felt like he enjoyed my company and that’s when he asked ask me, “Can we be friends?” Then I went, “Errr…well. No problem. If I have free time like this, I think we can talk a bit.” He said, “No I mean like we go out together after work, I take you to dinner, all that stuff. If you don’t mind. If you want “more”, I don’t mind.”

What??? He said it directly that he would want me to be his “secret companion”. That’s when he actually lost a bit of respect that I had for him, if I had any. Not enough with being “proudly” pathetic, he is officially A DESPERADO!! *Lols. Wearing nice working outfit, people would easily get fooled by his impressions. Impressions and nothing else.

I gave excuses because I was not interested. He made a decision he wasn’t happy of, bumping into me and I lent my ears, now you gonna drag me to “slow down that process of emptiness”? *Lols. NO WAY. I’m not a guardian angel who is there at your service, when you make a wrong move, you will have to pay for it. The moral is, try to listen to your heart and guts instead of listening to others. Don’t make a fool of yourself.

Another aspect of this story is --- Even if you are trapped like that, at least spare yourself some pride and value. If I were a real counselor, I would already feel sorry for you. Don’t burn the last piece of respect that I spare for you by making stupid invitation like that. Actually, this captain came to my place for the second time and made a really obvious “invitation” to “spend” time with me (with the remark, “but my wife shouldn’t know about this”). It was so stupid to end up the encounter like that – because instead of giving it a good farewell, he received a clear rejection. He came again the next time, I pretended I never saw him. Luckily he was A Captain who has face to save, so he still acts decently and understands my reactions.

You can be handsome, you can have a lot of money and power, but if you do something indecent like that, You Are A Loser in my eyes. So, want to speed so much, people? Up to you. Just that, don’t end up like him.

Note: I actually feel very pity to his wife. The last person who should know that his wife doesn’t own his heart and doesn’t make him feel happy, is a stranger like me. Hope they can make up for it.