2020, Do Not Worry

Hi!! Anybody miss me yet? Hahahaha. Okay I'm back. So my last post was one month and one day ago. That's coincidence. I mean, July was such a busy month for me, like full for good stuff. Thank God for such a wonderful fav month. August kicked in a lil slower but that's okay. I still have my hands full. Always have something to do. Other than that, I'm a little bit more relaxed, I can nap in peace instead of waking up rushing to another undone task.

So begini cerita dia. This year nampaknya lebih ramai orang yg tau aktiviti sia sebab now sia sudah ada wasap group geng jalan2 dan wasap group geng my diamond frens yang selama ni cuma berteka teki ja about each other punya activity. So rupanya si 256 yang nampak silent di social media ni sebenarnya macam2 juga yang sia bikin and my old buddies macam baru tau yang rupanya sia macam ni dari dulu. Apa lagi lepas tempoh berkurung di rumah selama 3 to 4 months tu, memang almost every weekend sia ada activity. Sampai my friends thought I should open an Fb page sebagai guide tempat2 recreation and eateries yang sia pigi cos we like to try new places yg orang cakap best. 

Hari tu when we celebrated my birthday di satu tempat, my parents didn't get to join us because my bro ada activity lain yg dorang kena ada di rumah juga untuk help him. So I decided to organize another percutian di Kundasang just so my parents can join us. So sempat juga la sia serabut kepala memikir homestay yg terbaik, dengan consider facilities, location, dan sia book siap2 sebelum dat day. And guess what, the percutian berjalan lancar and my parents, and everyone else loved the place I picked.  Sia sangat happy tau sebab sia rasa kepayahan sia tu berbaloi. Sampaikan my friends cakap, Ui tiap minggu juga kau mansau ni? I said this, "I'm trying to overwrite the 3-month MCO yang kita berkurung di rumah". Kamu pecaya ka jawapan sia tu? Hahahaha. Kurang tepat kan?

Jawapan yang tepat adalah sia mau make 2020 ni awesome. I said this many times. Sebab kita tunggu lamaaaa betul untuk ni 2020. Tiba2 jadi macam ni. Kamu imagine kalau 2020 tu sejenis entiti, dia mau ja semua ni jadi sama kita? Dia mau ka Covid melanda dunia? Ramai orang jokingly said di FB yang as if 2020 ni screwed up punya tahun, and macam la 2020 tu a joke, a trick, a prank and memang berniat menyukarkan hidup kita. NO. Sia refused to think that way. Bagi sia, 2020 is innocent just like Tomorrow.  Dorang ndatau pun apa akan jadi. Dorang full of uncertainties but also, full of hopes and dreams. Tapi dunia berputar di orbit sendiri. Things happen. Tup tup, ni tahun pula wabak merebak. Sia imagine yg 2020 pun sedih sama apa yang berlaku. Tapi di awal tahun, kamu masih ingat kah apa dalam fikiran kita?

Masa kita berkurung di rumah tu, kita samar2 pasal masa depan. Percutian dibatalkan. Macam2 perancangan ditangguh. Majlis itu ini semua dibatalkan. Sampaikan kita berfikir, belum tentu lagi kita akan merasa hidup normal sampai tahun depan. Ada ura2 cakap sekolah tidak akan buka sampai habis tahun. Bila slowly industry dibuka pada bulan 5, satu kejutan untuk most of us sebab not sure if it was safe out there. Sampai sia masih continue work from home sampailah pertengahan Jun. Had our first mansau to Mesilou end of June. And another trip, and another. If you ask me, ya sia penat juga. Sometimes sia mau rest on Sunday tapi sia nda juga mau lepaskan peluang mau tambah experience, to create good memories. Sebab apa?

Sebab sia mau bikin everything untuk build balik ni 2020 yg sudah runtuh. Kita masih boleh overturn ni semua. Bila tengok balik, almost semua benda balik normal actually. Kita boleh pi kerja, boleh lepak, boleh jalan2, walaupun dengan limitation tertentu, tapi enuff untuk kita menikmati kehidupan. Jadi orang2 yang fikir kamirang ni nda takut Covid sebab selalu mansau, ask yourself SAMPAI BILA juga kau mau berkurung and pelihara stigma bahawa sepa yg keluar2 tu memang nda sayang nyawa. Be realistic. Ni virus ada di luar sana, itu kenyataan. Selagi kita ikut SOP, kita lebih dari 50% selamat dari virus tu. Cuci tangan, pakai mask, jaga kebersihan, silap2 maybe ada yang sudah terpegang tu virus tapi tidak dijangkiti sebab kita duluan cuci dia daripada tangan kita. So kita ingat tu ja. So kawan2 yang paranoid terlebih pasal Covid ni, last2 penat sendiri. Dorang pun pandai sudah jalan2 pi tempat awam sebab...Ya, memang life awesome bah di luar tu. Bila kau connect balik sama alam sekitar, connect balik sama diri kau, have more laughing moments, woww, indescribable.

Jadi, berbalik kepada tajuk ni post. I have this in mind. 2020, Please Do Not Worry. Despite all the odds, I WILL make you awesome.

Till next post, guys. Thanks for keeping up with me :)

"This Is Why They Like Me"

Okay, tajuk macam tapuji kan? Hahahahahaha. Nda, actually tu tajuk kesian sebenarnya sebab, seolah2 susah tul mau cari sebab kenapa orang buli suka kau, sebab yg kau comfirm sudah tau adalah kenapa orang tidak suka kau. Itu kau paling sedia maklum seantero dunia sudah. 

I speak dari kacamata customers sia la. Sometimes sia terfikir, dari banyak2 pilihan, kenapa dorang masih pilih sia sedangkan sia bukan offer harga yg paling murah walaupun kau buli try minta discount la, tapi sia ada prinsip and limit untuk permintaan kau tu. Ayat sia paling manang adalah, Cuba cari2 dulu tempat lain yg mana lebih murah. Kalau jumpa, terus bikin ja sana. Nahhh, itu ayat penamat laitu ertinya mimang kau inda dapat discount yg kau minta atau yg kau minta tu memang nda masuk akal. Hahahaha. So selepas semua tu, again and again dorang akan still come to me. Sudah la sia ni nda approachable, sumbung lagi, cakap laju lagi, kin panas lagi, jadi apa yg ada sama diri sia ni kunun? Hahahahaa. Lepas tu sejak PKP ni, selalu sia teda di ofis ah. Work from home kunun. Lagi laaa urg ada alasan kukuh untuk give up on me. Hehe. Jadi apa la kunun? Adehhh, macam masuk bakul angkat sendiri ni tapi cuba kunun sia try2 fikir apaa sebab kenapa dorang masih pilih sia. Dipersilakan untuk silap. Hahahaha.

1. Commitment - This one sia akun. Once sia akun bikin kerja kau, sia bikin laitu sebaik mungkin. To the point yg sia akan stress kenapa sia belum bikin kerja kau, or belum complete, to the point yg sia akan refer google untuk correct spelling kau, sampaikan sia terpaksa membaca definition or research lagi sebab ada customer sia yg sia faham dorang maybe tau sebut tu word tapi ndatau spelling dia. Contohnya, semalam sampai jam 12 sia masih berwasap sama customer yang lewat reply wasap sia dan kami berurus niaga lagi itu ini, dan sia layan juga apa yg dia cakap. Terus sia tinguk jam sudah pukul 12, I said, bukan semua urg akan bikin gini ooo. 

2. Sincerity - Ni sia pun nda sedar langsung and nda diniatkan langsung. Tapi bila sia sanggup kasitau customer sia yg sia rasa nda mampu dan nda tau mana lagi tempat yg lebih murah, sia akan kasitau dia di mana lebih murah dan suruh dia pigi sana supaya kurang dia kena spend duit. Dalam hati sia, sia mau urusan dia selesai dan sia mau dia save duit. Banyak kali yg sia buli ja victimize dorang dengan nda mengasitau option yg ada, tapi sia still kasitau sebab rupanya keutamaan sia bukan diri sia tapi keperluan customer tu. I know it doesn't take a genius untuk org lebih pentingkan keuntungan dan diri sendiri, jadi Sincerity itu RARE. Sia bukan kaya untuk bertindak begitu, jadi imagine kalau sia kaya? Haahahaha, ke situ la pula. I mean, keikhlasan ni bukan kau buli beli or pungut tepi jalan. Benda tu memang ada dalam diri kau selepas kau dibentuk oleh pengalaman kau dan penilaian kau terhadap baik buruk di sekeliling kau.

3. My Standard - Sia ada satu standard yang quite high untuk kerja2 sia. I mean, bukan yg paling up, tapi bukan juga low. Jadi customers yg faham style sia, dorang akan make use of this element untuk dapat something yg bagus dengan harga yg reasonable. I mean, walaupun sia cakap price sia mahal, tapi bukan yg paling mahal. Price sia mahal ada sebab. Tempat lain yg kasi murah tu pun ada sebab. Jadi bergantung kepada keperluan customer tu. Ada situasi yang dorang akan nampak sia adalah option terbaik dengan harga yg dorang kena bayar sebab tempat lain, dorang boleh dapat murah tapi ada service yg kurang, so bila dorang kira betul2, rupanya murah pula tempat sia dengan standard yg begitu. Tapi jangan silap ah, ada beberapa kali sepanjang pengalaman sia kerja, sia buat kerja teruk dan kena complain sampai kena minta buat baik atau kena minta refund. Sia masih careless dan buat kesilapan kecil yg sudah mendatangkan banyak kerugian untuk sia. I'm still learning but speaking of standard, customers yang biasa deal sama standard yg lebih low dari tu, biasanya akan appreciate sia. 

4. My Opinion - Ni pernah kena mention of beberapa customers, sebab sia akan sama2 brainstorming sama dorang if dorang unsure apa mau decide. Dorang cakap tempat lain tidak begitu. Apa yang kena suruh, dorang bikin ja buta2. Biarpun clearly tidak ngam. Biarpun tidak nice. Kenapa la, sudah kena suruh macam tu kan. Sia pun gitu juga tapi selepas opinion sia kena reject, selepas sia confirm dia memang mau begitu, baru sia akan proceed ja biarpun inda berkenan di hati sia. But kalau dorang betul2 ndatau, sia akan kasi dorang idea dan usually those yg kurang pengetahuan, dorang betul2 hargai dan for this reason la dorang will keep coming. Apa buli buat sia mimang jenis kuat cakap, kuat fikir, jadi nda susah sebenarnya membagi idea yg bukan selalunya bernas tu. Hahahaha

Bah sukuplahhh. I think those could be why they like me. Kadang2 sia terfikir juga, kalau sia di tempat dorang, sia akan suka juga "sia yang di tempat sia ni" sebab walaupun ada firmness dalam diri sia yg buat org rasa sia susah mau approach, tapi sia punya friendliness tu buli bikin kau lupa tu asalkan kau bagi sia chance ja. Kalau kau setakat judge sia dari jauh, confirm laaa kau akan sentiasa fikir sia si sumbung and nothing more. Ndapa, tak kenal maka tak cinta. Nda juga laa. Susah tu kalau kenal ja mesti cinta. Mataii. Hahahaha.

Anyway, July sudah limpas separuh bulan, it's a really productive month for me tapi sia masih ada masa mau mansau2 sebab priority sia still bukan work yg numbur satu. It's time with my loved ones. So I dedicate this post untuk customer2 sia yg awesome, walaupun ada yg bikin highblood juga. Hahahaha. Tapi biasanya after all said and done, sia ni pemaaf orangnya kalau hal kecil2 jangan seja langgar pantang larang sia yg janji terang bulan and then buat muka seposen tanpa keinsafan. Nahhh kalau tu maciam, kasi la berapa pun sia nda akan mau layan sudah. Seriously ah. Ada sudah beberapa sia blacklist gitu. Tapi masih buli sinyum kalau jumpa cuma sia ndakan deal lagi sama dorang. Biasalah, nobody's perfect tapii hidup kena berprinsip juga bah kan. Ndapa la everyone is learning. Sia pray semua customers2 sia pun murah rezeki dan semoga semua urusan kami berjalan lancar dan semua hubungan baik sesama manusia tu berkekalan. Dan sia harappp dorang akan keep on trusting me. Itu satu accomplishment yg besar dalam life sia as a human being. 

So kamu rasa ada betul juga kaitu tekaan sia or sia perasan2 sendiri? Hahahaha. Ok till next post, guys.

My Mom Said...

My mom nampak my kesibukan kerja, despite the new normal and me picking days when I will work from home, but the productivity is actually better. And then knowing that macam2 benda yang awful sudah berlaku this year, my mom can still say, "Wow, ada nasib betul kau ni 2020 kan? Macam semua benda yg kau bikin berhasil. Betul2 bagus rezeki kau ni tahun." Takajut sia. Hahahaha. You know why kan?

I said, "Ma, seriously bah? You call that lucky? I fall sick ooo." I thought my mom forgot. But my mom insisted, "But your business is good, kau buli afford juga bayar semua tu." I mean, WOW again. Bukan apa, sebab walaupun apa yang dia cakap tu Too good to be true untuk jadi sia punya description untuk 2020, walaupun STILL ada harapan, tapi at this point, sia punya kesembuhan tu masih in progress. Sia masih ada concern pasal getting attacks tapi memang getting better. Tapi sia masih always sentiasa alert pasal reaction badan sia and making sure it's always within my control. Tapi INTERESTING to hear my mom said that. Kalau any customer or kawan2 yang cakap, sia buli abaikan lagi. But my mom? She definitely knows something more than others. Dia pula bah yang kasi lahir sia. Jadi suddenly macam sinar HARAPAN yang selama ni sudah bersinar, tapi now bergemerlapan. At least my mom thinks I'm doing well walaupun she doesn't know exactly struggle sia tapi whatever she is thinking, her point is always strong. Itu kelebihan mama terhadap anak dia.

Ma, mudah-mudahan 2020 kita semua akan jadi hebat. Biarlah 3 bulan berkurung di rumah tu jadi satu issue yg kecil dan buli diabaikan sebab benda2 superhebat yg ambil alih kita punya HIGHLIGHTS of 2020. Sia percaya kepada Kehebatan yg boleh berlaku. Hopes itu bersinar dengan terang and rugi la kita yang tidak pursue sinar tu. Let us do our level best! The rest of 2020 is waiting for us to colour them and make the moments Our best yet. Amen to that!

How Much Would You Pay?

Secara normalnya kita mau berjimat. That's why kita suka discount. Thats why word Sales tu akan tarik perhatian kita. Itu pun sebab kita teda choice but to pay before we can own something. Imagine la kalau FREE? Jangan cerita la kan? Confirm la roboh tu pintu kita langgar untuk berebut benda yg free tu. Itu lah actually yg terbaik kalau ada pilihan. KITA MAU BENDA FREE! Urang gila ja ndamau benda free kan? Tapi realitinya, dunia ni gunakan matawang untuk pertukaran dengan barang atau service yg kita mau. Jadi mau nda mau, kita kena ikut juga aturan dunia ni kan. Ok berbalik kepada tajuk, Berapa yg kau sanggup bayar?

In the wake of my recent panic attack symptoms yang sia first dapat on February 26th (Now already July 10th, thank God I survive so far), actually sia punya mindset pun macam orang lain juga. Masa tu sia fikir sia ada highblood when sia rasa mau pitam, so sia pun pi la government hospital sebab I thought there was nothing to be urgent about sebab when sia balik rumah malam tu, sia ok juga lepas makan panadol. So selepas pi gov hospital, actually everything was okay, cuma memang tekanan darah up sikit which the doc agak memang due to stress. But STRESS is such a simple word to compare to the real thing that happened to me. I technically spent nothing much, result pun mostly ok cuma some issue here and there yg I could improve dengan changing sikit lifestyle. So ngam2 MCO selepas 2 minggu. I was getting better on my own tanpa medication pun except for some stress supplement Zembren. Masa start MCO tu I was totally normal for 2 weeks and then it started happening again. My body started acting weird walaupun sia tidak dalam keadaan stress or panic ok? I could feel the discomfort yang I could not explain.

But lepas 2 week sia endured it, sia okay again for 1 month. Masa tu la sia start doing my 3 virtual runs. I really enjoyed sweating doing from 1500 to 3000 steps everyday. And then after 1 month, I got my third attack masa at home. Almost mau pitam but it didn't happen sebab I distracted it. So start dari sana, my attack symptoms semakin bertambah. From lenguh badan, to numb, to palpitation dan degupan jantung yg jadi rapid, mood yg tidak menentu, and I could stop halfway in the middle of delicious meal kalau benda tu tiba2 jadi. I could not continue eating. Sia sempat pigi 2 clinic swasta out of urgency sebab I desperately needed medication but the doctors could not give me any. Sebab everything about my body was clinically normal. Masa tu memang some money spent on just consultation yg teda hasil sebab free2 ja bayar. Dr Helen in fact suruh sia Balik rumah and rest. 

Sampai satu tahap yang I had enuff. Sebab masa tu kerja sia pun tergendala sebab sia akan sit berjam-jam sampai sia rasa normal balik baru sia buli bikin kerja. I HAD ENUFF. Sia betul2 serik dan jera dengan abnormality yg badan sia bikin tanpa sia tau. Walaupun sia sudah tau yang sia sedang kena panic attacks, tapi sia tidak faham KENAPA sia buli kena dalam keadaan yang fikiran dan emosi sia sangat stable. Masa tu, sia sedar yg kalau sia jumpa 10 medical doctors pun dorang tidak akan buli kasi sia treatment sebab dorang bukan pakar. So I decided to meet the specialist walaupun sia kena tunggu dekat 2 minggu sebab the doc punya schedule memang full. Kamurang buli teka kan caj specialist berapa? 

So berbalik kepada norma manusia yg suka berjimat, ndamau bayar mahal and kalau buli mau semua benda free, akan tiba masanya ITU SEMUA TIDAK BERMAKNA sudah. Benda2 yg free atau murah tu tidak akan tolong kau fix problem  kau, so what's the point? Sia mau understand apa yang berlaku sama badan sia kenapa dia bertindak macam tu, so I got ALL MY ANSWERS when sia finally jumpa sama specialist doctor. Memang mahal la yang sia kena bayar. Dan I already had like 3 appointments so far and I spent almost RM800 sudah. Tapi sia langsung tidak kemahalan sebab sia sudah rasa macamana DUIT tu tidak bermakna kalau kau sakit dan tidak dapat menikmati kehidupan. Selama ni yang sia sihat dan berpeluang untuk rasa bahagia, memang sia betul2 tidak menyesal yang sia bersyukur setiap hari dengan hidup sia masa tu sebab YES I WAS RIGHT when I did that. Sebab bila kesihatan kita tu kena tarik balik, buli kau rasa kenapa la kau teda duit daripada kau sakit! Sebab kalau kau sihat, kau buli cari duit berapa banyak pun. Nda payah kau mau compromise duit sama kesihatan kau sebab almost teda nilai tu duit kalau kau simpan2 tapi kau sakit. 

Jadi baru sia faham kenapa parents sia jaga pemakanan dorang. Kenapa dorang nda suka makan sedap2. Sebab dorang pernah rasa sakit dan I'm sure dorang sudah lalui fasa yang sia rasa iaitu teda guna duit banyak kalau sakit. Masa sia sihat sia enjoy berabis life sia, sia makan apa yang sia mau. Dan again, what I did was right! Sebab masa sia sakit, sia masih buli "tap myself on the shoulder" sebab sia betul2 savour tu nikmat kehidupan yg buat sia happy. No regrets on that. Sebab my panic attacks happened to me lebih kepada benda2 semulajadi dalam nature sia yang dilahirkan begitu. Sia punya personality yg tertentu menjadikan sia vulnerable dengan benda ni and tu pun sia sudah hadap benda ni seumur hidup sia dan sia berjaya untuk shield myself daripada terkena benda ni lebih awal. Tapi body sia ada limit. 

Sia harap selepas beberapa post yang sia buat pasal this sickness, kamu faham how it works. Kenapa orang cakap jangan stress. Sebab stress tu baru bunga2 dia. Kalau kau let yourself stress selalu, semua benda kecil jadi issue, semua kau mau perfect, semua kau mau ikut plan, ikut system kau, ikut aturan kau, REQUESTS kau yg banyak dalam hidup ni akan membebankan minda kau. IMAGINE la dengan personality sia begini, biarpun orang cakap sia positive vibe and all, biarpun sia jadi pendengar setia utk ramai orang yang sia kenal, jadi counselor yg tulung dorang selesai masalah dorang, sampai dorang cakap sia stress therapist sebab dorang selalu feel better lepas bercakap sama sia, MAYBE itu kelebihan yang TUHAN kasi sia dengan personality yang sia ada ni, tapi personality yg sama tu juga bagi sia bebanan yang akhirnya sia punya minda nda buli tampung. Jadi bila sudah limpas tu level yg buli ditampung oleh otak sia, dia sudah jadi haywire. Dia send signal yang salah kepada badan sia untuk protect diri sia sebenarnya tapi benda tu sebenarnya menyakitkan sia sebab sia mindfully tidak pun sakit. Dia serang sia punya nerve system sampai sia yang sepatutnya sihat, terpaksa mengalami kesakitan badan macam tu. So ini yg berlaku kepada mereka2 yang terkena anxiety tu. Benda tu SAMA! Point dia adalah, KITA OK tapi badan kita dapat arahan yang salah dari otak kita untuk bertindakbalas sebab some hormones or chemical sudah tidak balance. Jadi benda ni kita mau fix balik supaya semua balance balik so badan kita pun akan mendapat signal yg betul sebagaimana rasional nya fikiran dan bagaimana stabilnya emosi kita. You guys get it now? 

So ada juga sia baca posts from kawan FB yang sia nda kenal but ada yang mengadu di FB everytime dia mengalami kesakitan begitu (sebelumnya memang orang ni selalu meluah pasal tertekan dengan orang sekeliling dia so maybe tu bikin dia kena symptom tu) tapi sia rasa dia pok mau handle sendiri benda tu, harap benda tu buli fix sendiri dengan berdoa (YES, this is a powerful tool, tapi ingat, ada reason why God makes hospitals and doctors). Sia faham maybe dia pun mau opt untuk tidak payah spend money, or spend minimal money untuk dia recover. Maybe dia sendiri belum faham apa yang berlaku sama badan dia. Sia baca pun sia tau sudah dia lalui benda yang sia lalui cuma symptoms kami nda exactly sama. Dia ni macam lebih teruk sebab dia kena sesak nafas yang jantung berdegup severely sebab dia mention benda tu yang utama sedangkan sia lebih kepada lenguh2 badan, kebas. Cuma beberapa kali rasa mau pitam tu yg sia considered PALING TERUK dalam symptom2 tu semua. Sia harap dia nda lalui tu benda la. Sia harap kamu semua tidak lalui benda tu. And sia harap dia pun pegi la at least jumpa gov doctor kalau dia rasa tidak mampu pegi jumpa specialist. Cuma kekurangan gov hospital ni, sebab dorang kan kena subsidi, akan terlampau ramai patients yg tunggu turn, dorang maybe tidak dapat bagi kau begitu delicate punya attention and dorang mostly doctor pelatih. Dorang pun masih eksperimen, kau akan jadi proses pembelajaran dorang sebelum dorang jadi mahir. So dorang akan suruh kau test ubat itu ini and ubat yg dorang kasi kau tu pun yg versi ekonomi juga. Sia cakap ni sebab sia ada bercakap sama kawan yg pernah dapat treatment anxiety dia di gov hospital. So ubat yg doctor specialist kasi tu tidak sama sebab dorang adalah hospital berbayar yang tidak kisah untuk caj kau berapa ja so dorang akan kasi kau ubat yg terbaik tanpa fikir untuk mau menjimatkan kau. Tapi layanan yg kau dapat dari specialist adalah berbeza sebab kau tidak perlu tunggu lama, dorang more systematic and kau ada lebih keyakinan sebab harga yg kau bayar tu. Itu maybe ada impact secara psikologi juga. It doesn't matter la. Just get some treatment kalau kamu rasa symptoms macam tu. Don't be afraid and don't feel strange sebab the world is a tough place. Jangan salahkan diri kamu. You can be cured. And healed.

So, after all said and done, jangan pilih DUIT kalau kesihatan kamu yang menjadi perjudian. Tubuh badan yg sihat tu adalah money making machine kamu, jadi SIHAT lah dulu baru fikir mau kaya. Itu duit guna dia untuk dipakai bukan untuk disimpan sampailah kau sihat, then only think about saving money or else tiada gunanya duit banyak tapi tu duit tidak boleh membantu kau. Bercakap pasal ni, sampai kita lupa pula yang benda2 yang PALING BERHARGA dalam hidup ni adalah yang tidak boleh dijual beli, TAPI  semua itu kita mampu nikmati kalau kita sihat kan? Love, trust, loyalty, family so on. I pray yang God will heal all our sickness and lend us health for a longer time. Life is not permanent but at least kita bahagia la for the rest of our life ni. Amen to that.

How Cerewet Are You?

Source: Agoda.com

Selepas experience sia pi staycation with my girl buddies (dorang ni bukan considered rapat pun sama sia but sia kenal all of them kecuali sorang yg sia baru jumpa on that day. Sebenarnya quite suprised yang sia setuju untuk pigi tu trip considering sia punya kecerewetan. But betul2 cerewet ka sia sebenarnya?

Selama ni, sia tau beberapa benda iaitu sia memang memilih kawan. Sia nda kisah kurang kawan asalkan kawan2 sia tu yg sia suka ja. Sia jenis yang nda suka share juga sebenarnya. I'm used to have my own space and sia prefer macam tu. Susah untuk sia imagine sia simply share room sama mana2 kawan walau camana pun rapatnya cos rapat kami pun bukan lah sampai level kau share katil or selimut. Definitely sia bukan gitu. Sia bukan jenis yg kalau sia terpaksa share my space, sia akan terus get used or get comfortable, melainkan sangat terdesak but that gonna make me feel awkward the whole time. So this idea to spend a nite with friends that I don't consider close (except for one of them yg selalu lepak at my office) was considered rare and macam satu challenge juga for me.

So apa verdict dia selepas dua hari spending time with these people? Sharing house, sharing bathroom, sharing bedroom and even sharing dining table and ate together. Rupanya sia ni considered "Very reasonable" sebab sia nda complain benda2 kecil. Dalam kami beberapa orang, ada yang lebih teruk daripada sia. Benda kecil sudah mau bisik2. Like, Eh sepa guna tu toilet tadi, entah ada siram ka teda. Hal macam tu bah. Imagine lahh. Dalam keadaan kamu semua adults yang buli berfikir, masih wujud juga satu dua antara kami yang mencari issue2 untuk dibangkit. Sikit2 geli, sikit2 pening, sikit2 bising, sikit2 cakap org membazir... Uishhh... sandi ehhh. None of the above yang sia bikin ooo. Punya bangga sia dengan diri sia sendiri yg cukup cewewet sudah nii. Rupanya ada pula yang lagii sandi dari sia. 

Level kesandian dia tu kan as if dorang pissed at anything that make sound or move. Tidak buli kalau teda benda yang nda kena bangkit. Macam something wrong kalau dorg akun semua ok. Katil di rumah tu pun kena check satu2. Nda buli ada stain sikit terus geliii ndamau guna terus katil tu. Di suruh pi tingkat bawah, takut ada hantu pula. Pi sofa, geli pula. Aduiiii. Lepas kena masak, ada yg geli mau makan sebab takut sakit perut or takut nda bersih sbab bukan tangan sendiri yang masak. Sedangkan sia? Sia ok ja dan enjoy every moment, banyak ketawa, banyak pot pet dan macam2 la sia cerita. Not to mention time kupi2, lepak2 makan junkfoods, leisure yang paling sia enjoyy. I was surprised yang nda payah pun my favourite people yg di depan sia. Sia decided to enjoy everything at the present moment dan tengok dorang melalui kebaikan dan kelebihan dorang yang sia nampak masa tu. 

Selepas balik dari trip tu, cerita2 la sama sorang kawan tu. Mula la dia bercakap yg dia nda happy sudah on the second day. Banyak benda2 mengganggu fikiran dia. Dia nda puas hati sama one of the friends yang bisik2 nda puas hati pasal bayaran. Lepas tu how dia mentioned that same friend juga yg kasi spoil mood dia. Tapi sia nda rasa pun semua tu. Sia okkkkk jaa. Tapi bukan sia nda sedar benda tu berlaku cuma bukan tu focus sia. Sia focus on benda2 yang sia sukaa and sia focus berabisss sampai teda sepa yang buli bring sia down masa tu. 

I loved the place. Sudah lah sejuk, ada gunung, ada bunga2, and meriah sama orang2 dalam suasana yang damai. Garsh. Cabin kami pun cantik. Sepa yang masih nda menghargai tu semua, memang rugi. Dan syabas untuk diri sia, actually maybe selama ni sia PERNAH begitu teruk tapi sia tidak selamanya begitu. Kebijaksanaan ni mengubah kita. Mustahil kita nda belajar tentang kemanusiaan dan mustahil pengalaman nda mematangkan kita. Sia pun tidak sedar sejak bila yang I tried to loosen up sikit sia punya kecerewetan tu. Ah, remind me how I love being an adult. Ni la kelebihan dia. 

Sampai bila mau cerewet kan? Kalau bangga sama diri yang serba cerewet tu, tolong stay sorang2 at home and jangan lagi fikir mau join trip2 macam ni. I mean, kalau kau rasa kau paling bersih, kau paling kemas, kau paling teliti, kau lah paling segala-galanya, tinggal la di Istana kau sendiri. Jangan lah mix dengan orang and pegi trip begini, buang duit hanya untuk cari kelemahan orang lain. How immature. Dorang ni kawan2 sia juga but maybe dorang pun akan lalui proses adaptasi kan pematangan juga. Anggap ja gitu la. Maybe sia dulu pun macam dorang ni. Si sombong yg cerewet. Apa untung dia? TEDA. 

Sia cakap2 gini macam la sia cukup bagus sudah kunun kan? Hahahaha. Inda. Sia masih juga cewewet sebenarnya tapi like I said, biar bertempat. Maybe sia lalui phase yang sukar dengan panic disorder sia, trust me sia beribu-ribu kali mau jadi normal macam orang lain. Sia akan grab itu chance untuk menikmati kehidupan sebagai seorang yg tidak perlu melalui simptom2 yang menyengsarakan sia. Or maybe "Pain" tu buat sia lebih appreciate life or actually memang sia appreciate life pun before that. So imagine jaa the amount of gratefulness that I have now. Kamu fikir sia mau sia-siakan dengan benda2 remeh gitu? 

Jangan mau rugi dalam hal2 menikmati pemberian Tuhan ni. Kutip benda yang indah2 sejaa sebab kadang2 yg nda indah tu dibagi juga sama kau walaupun kau nda mau. Cukup2 la rugi di sana. Biar benda yang kita atur sendiri, biar tiada lain melainkan untung2 belaka. Untung la dalam menghargai rasa bahagia dalam hidup ni.

Jangan biar sifat cerewet tu blok kebahagian tu. OK?

That's How Powerful Your Mind Is

Source: https://timeandthymecom.files.wordpress.com

Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend and he had Bipolar Disorder. When he told me, I was quite concerned if he could engage strange behaviours that might hurt other people. What did I know back then, right? He said Noo, it's not that kind of sickness. He had been taking medication since the age of 5, and I knew him when he was 19. IMAGINE THAT! We could not even stand taking Panadol every now and then and he popped pills since he was too young to even know about it.

So guys, unfortunately it wasn't destined to be. It must be really tough for him to deal with it. After a few years that we parted ways, I met him back on Myspace and he told me how he burnt all my photos. I felt really really sorry inside. But I could never understand how he went through every ordeals and Survived. He's also problematic in his relationships. He was good looking, he was so kind and gentle but he was not emotionally steady because his mood swings. Yeah that word Mood Swings play a big part in the patients of Bipolar Disorder. But please, that term often used to describe those in Cancer zodiac so don't tell me all the Cancerians have Bipolar Disorder! So okay, maybe there's just a bit more characteristic to be diagnosed with the disorder. Sometimes, my vulnerability made me wonder, did I too have Bipolar Disorder?

I remember back in February, I had a chit chat with my bestie and we jokingly said, I guess if we all meet a psychiatrist, we all have a kind of mental disorder. ALL OF US. Because there's always something that makes us weird to other people. And we know it but we couldn't help. Sometimes it's too much fear over something everyone is brave about, sometimes we find something normal too everyone, as offensive, or we overthink stuff that are just a tiny matter not worth a thought by most people.

Guess what, a day after I met my bestie, I got my first "attack". Please read back post that I wrote sometime in March. I managed to actually cured myself with self therapy, but it happened again after two weeks. And I was cured again. And it happened again after 1 month. And this time it was just "fighting back". My body started to react in ways I couldn't understand.  Even more than I have already described in that long post. My symptoms were now more severe than before. New symptoms were appearing like muscle ache, irregular heartbeat, gastritis, and the worst part was the feeling I was about to pass out. GARSH. Everything I told you in that post, it was just minor compared to the one I had in the last 2 weeks of May. One time, my upper body just went Numb, and I had to rush to the clinic cos I thought I could just faint anytime. The thing is, it was all okay when you reached the clinic. Again and again the doctors would say, "Everything is fine with you. I can't give you medication". I said, "DOC, NOOO. I don't think I can survive the night. I'm gonna faintttttt." She said, "NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FAINT."  I remember that clinic visit during first Raya, when I was really sure this time, it was a BATTLE with my own mind. How CAN I win it??? Can I even win it?

So when I meet the specialist, the doctor told me I actually studied my own symptoms very well before I decided to meet him. "You already know what you have," he said. Yeah, I got Panic Attacks. Almost all the symptoms matched mine. But Panic is in the same category with Anxiety. But those are really normal words, right? Who would have guessed that these words turn out MASSIVE enough to even turns your body system upside down. WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN when you are getting Attacks like that? The doc said, what happened to me started long ago because of my nature of wanting things to be in order, wanting things to be perfect, can't simply accept criticism and someone who likes to analyze and made me overthink. All those are wearing me out after all the years. And what happened when the healers went to my house was just a Triggering factor that blown out all the things that I thought I have kept well within my control. So what actually happened with all the uncontrollable things that my body did to myself? Yeah, as you can guess it, it's some of the chemical in the brain. They are now imbalance. All the happy, positive and rationale hormones, are all messed up now. So my brain is giving WRONG SIGNALS to my body as if I have a different disease so thats why parts of my body reacted in the certain way that I couldn't handle. Therapies can help but it will take a long road and you will have to stand getting "attacks by attacks" while you are on your recovery. 

I was the positive 256 you always knew. But since I started getting the attacks, my overworked brain just went haywire. At times, I couldn't even know what I was thinking, what I was feeling, it was all mixed up, "blendered" in one batter of cluttered brain. When it was happening, I felt struggling to get hold of the moment. Not to mention when suddenly my muscles started to ache everywhere (my arms, my shoulders, my neck, my back) and I could feel gases trapped in my stomach, and if I failed to control it much longer, I could start getting shortness of breath and the feeling of fainting, all at once. It was so so so so badddd and soo so soo awful. Please believe me. That time I said, I'd pay ANY PRICE to END THIS!!!!

So I've been taking medication to balance back the chemical in my brain. Do you believe they actually have this kind of medication? And then I learnt there are so many individuals who went through this phase in their lives too. And good news is, they are healed. The doc said, Yes you can heal but you want to make sure that you are healed forever. You don't want it to come back. Going to the 3rd weeks with the medication, I start to feel changes again. I do some tests to my mind like "trying to feed my mind with some fearful nonsense" just to see how it reacts now. But it does not react the same way anymore. There's just something in my brain is now changing. IT'S BLOCKING nonsense thoughts from getting in. Now it's even clearer to me how medication could help. All these chemicals balance can be achieved the natural ways too but it takes a lot of work and remember that you are currently A Patient, so you are busy with your sickness and might delay your natural recovery. 

The doc said, there's nothing wrong with my nature but it's making me sick. I should try to be calmer, learn how to slow down (even in talking cos it only shows how my mind struggles cos I like to rush things) and there are a few challenges that I have to take this year to prove that I can conquer my fears. I don't know but 2020 is already very tough with Covid-19, but what if I could make it up by accomplishing all these challenges. I really don't know yet. 

I actually wanted to write about this condition of mine much earlier but I was still not in the stable state to do that. Right now, I could write about it calmly cos you know I'm starting to be in control of myself again. Are you guys excited that you will see me again as the ever crazy 256? (It's not like you notice my absence right? Cos I've always been crazy you could not tell the difference. Hahahaha)

Guys, if ever that you experience things like I did, please calm down. Many out there are like us. There are effective treatments too so don't worry. Better yet, please always be in jovial and positive environment to minimize your risk of getting this. People like me are somewhat "cursed" because some of these stuff running in our blood so we are more exposed to it. But still, don't panic, don't worry. If the fragile-since-kid 256 can do it, I'm really sure you can do it much better. I have faith in you. Most importantly, have faith in YOURSELF. 

Have faith in God. If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.  AMEN!!

Jadilah Kawan Yang Begitu

About a month ago, I decided to help me 3 clueless friends. The help is considered big because it's a massive help for them. Sia punya decision untuk help dorang tu bukan satu keputusan yg begitu mudah. Sebab bukan senang dalam keadaan MCO masa tu. Sia perlukan banyak details dorang untuk tulung dorang isi form segala. Padahal dorang pun hari2 sama fon juga. Cuma tu lah, maybe nda so tech-savvy, sia faham juga lah. Or just lazy and refuse untuk upgrade skill masing2. I mean, dalam keadaan sia nda terjumpa dorang sudah 2 bulan masa tu, it was not my responsibility to even care welfare dorang knowing that they are also surrounded by people who could do it for them.

But entah lahh. I just thought. Eh, why not help them kan? Oh, I think I talked about it di post sia sebelum ni. Remember kawan yg kasi pinjam sia jaket jeans dia masa hujan? Yeah, that time lah. Tapi masa tu sia cuma tulung dia ja kan. I ended up tulung another 2 friends benda yang sama. Dengan begitu kepayahan dan reluctance nya sia tapi sia redahh juga. Reason sia adalah, KENAPA TIDAK? Maybe ada kesian dalam hati, ada rasa kemanusian, persahabatan dan akhir sekali, of course, kalau berbuat baik tu tidak sesusah mana, kenapa tidak? Sia mimang rasa itu conscience sia yg buat sia rasa mau tulung. Biarpun tiada reward.

Kalau diikutkan hati, buli ja sia highlight benda2 nda best yg pernah berlaku antara kami. Di masa si kawan tu backbiting sia di belakang, or di masa si kawan satu lagi tu tidak amanah dengan pegi guna duit yg customer kirim melalui dia. She also made me lose RM100 sebab idea dia and she didn't take responsibility at all. Sia ingat tu semua walaupun sia sudah forgive dorang. But I don't forget. Buli ja sia ambil peluang tu untuk jadi kawan yang tidak peduli. Just like kawan2 dorang yg lain yg tidak peduli pun. Kenapa pula sia yg kena peduli dorang kan? Nahh itu la thoughts yang berlegar2 di kepala sia. 

Selepas I decided to help the first friend, sia tanya2 lagi kawan kedua, dia pun blur. Sia nampak dia punya effort tapi dia just too blur to know what's next. Then ringan pula hati sia tiba2. BAHH, mari lah sia tulung! Ok done. And then the third one pun sia tau dia lagi la terkapai2. Sudahlah gaduh sama anak perempuan dia yg selalu dia harap untuk tulung2 dia. Then timbul lagi kesian. Walaupun dia ni musuh ramai org sebab mulut dan panas baran dia. Tapi sia masih pandang kebaikan dia walaupun sekecil mana. Then again, sia offer, Bahh marilah sia tulunggg.

So akhirnya, semuanya mendatangkan hasil. Syukurrrr. Dalam pada tu, ada lagi issue lain yg dorang bisingkan pasal si kawan ni pentingkan diri dan mau sendiri ja maju ke depan. Sia jadi mediator juga la kunun. Terus buat sia terfikir, Kalau la sia berfikir macam tu hari tu, mesti sia sorang2 ja yg dapat untung kan? Sia bilang ah. Mimang pedas juga ayat2 sia ni kadang2. Sebab sia geram. Benda kecil2 pun dorang mau berkira. Nampak mau sorang ja maju. Senang cerita, KALAU lah sia macam dorang, mudahnya untuk sia bikin. Petik jari ja. Tapi sia TIDAK. Jadi sia harap dorang buli fikir kalau ada kawan yg sanggup tolong dorang, patutnya dorang pun sanggup tolong kawan yang lain dengan nilai2 kemanusiaan yang sama!! 

So kawan yg pernah kasi pinjam jaket tu cakap sama sia tadi, "256, masa macam tu la kita tau sepa kawan yg sebenar!!!" Dalam hati sia, Noo, jangan tujukan benda tu sama sia. Sia bukan kawan yang begitu. Sia kawan yg biasa2 ja. Sia buli cakap Tidak sama kau berkali-kali tanpa rasa bersalah. Sia buli lukakan hati kau dengan kata2 dan perbuatan sia. Cuma sekali tu ja sia tulung. Jangan kasi sia award begitu senang. Sia ndamau pengikhtirafan begitu. Semakin kau kasi up sia, semakin kau akan terluka sama perbuatan sia di masa depan. Jadi anggap sia sebagai kawan biasa2. Cukup lah.

Kemarin kami sibuk plan a staycation with all ladies only. Plan punya plan, as usual sia mimang Tuan Director kalau di setiap plan yg sia terlibat. Especially kalau teda yg mau take charge atau teda yg better at doing that. Lagipun sia ndamau benda yang sia commit my time, org plan cincai2. I usually mau the best, or else kenapa lah sia nda ikut. So begitu la sia, kawan2. Bukan juga the best yg sampai susah urg mau ikut, but at least plan tu tersusun, bersistem dan tidak kelam kabut. Sia nda suka plan cincai2 lepas tu berserabut. Tapi jan kamu salah faham ah. Bukan bermaksud sia set standard yg tinggi untuk satu perancangan tu sampaikan org terbeban. No, tidak. Lets say pasal pegi trip or anything, at least sudah kena set semua tempat yg mau dipigi. Sudah buat research. Begitu la style sia. Sia nda suka main redah ja lepas tu masa terbuang gitu ja. Ndamau gitu. So tiba2 ada org mau join last minute yang kami susah mau tolak. But quota kami terlebih. Then suddenly sia ringankan hati untuk mau tarik diri. But kawan sia yang mulakan idea tu trip (iaitu the same friend yg kasi pinjam jaket) said to me, Kalau kau teda, kenapa la nda jadi ni trip!!! Ingat yg party Raya dorang bikin sebelum tu? Delay 2 kali gara2 sia. Kasi ke tiga tu kasi jadi sebab ada sia. Tapi kawan sorang tu pula teda, clash jadual dia. But my friend bersusah payah kasi jadi juga tu acara di office dia - then I figured out. Kenapa la yang lain tiada, yg penting si 256 ada! 

Jadi walaupun nda dicakap terang2, kita tau juga sepa yg betul2 appreciate kita kan? Sia bersyukur dalam keadaan mulut laser dan pedas sia ni kadang2, kawan2 sia sanggup hadap tu semua. In fact, semalam, masa berwasap2 sama one of the friends yang sia tulung tu tapi pasal hal lain, sempat dia panas sama sia sebab sia cakap terus terang yg idea dia sudah kasi rugi kawan2 kami yg lain sebab dia recommend someone untuk buat kerja yg harga RM100 tapi tidak berbaloi sama harga. Memang la dia panas. Hahahahaha. Tapi itu kebenaran. Berani kan sia cakap gitu sama someone yg 7 tahun senior dari sia? Hahahahahaa. Sia tau dia panas tapi sia lajak ja. Then sia tau juga last2 dia ndamau tersilap cakap sama sia sebab dia tau sikit2 hal pun sama sia juga dia bertanya dan mengadu. Sempat dia minta sorry sama sia kalau dia ada tersalah cakap, terkasar bahasa. Sia ketawa ja sebab sia tau sia sudah kasi panas dia. I said, Lucu juga tu cakap gitu? Malas sia mau bikin ayat emo. Ndapa, next time jumpa sia lepak makan kuih pisang sama sia pun anggap seja zero-zero balik. Ok ja tu!!

Sia ada byk hal lebih rumit dari tu. Tapi dalam masa2 gini, sia rasa tidak susah jadi kawan yg buli mendengar dan bercakap bila perlu. Kadang2 urg cakap apa guna kau belajar tinggi2 tapi kerja cikai2, well, ini la guna dia. Sebagai individu kau tetap ada kelebihan tapi teda guna kalau kau nda gunakan untuk kebaikan orang lain juga. Di sini la kau mau buktikan kebergunaan kau. Jadi lah manusia yg kawan kau akan pilih untuk selamatkan kalau dia cuma ada satu org ja yg boleh dia selamatkan selain diri dia. Nah, itu simbolik ja. Jan terlampau mengharaplah ok? Selesa lah jadi seorang kawan. Semoga lebih banyak baik kau daripada jahat kau. 

Jadilah kawan yg begitu. 

Bersangka Baik...

Bersangka Baik dengan Tuhan. Ni sia dengar quote orang Muslim but true, sia mau advice diri sia the same thing. Sebab kita semua pun actually menghadapi challenges yg seribu satu macam tahun ni kan. Memang ada cahaya harapan di setiap sudut selagi kita mencari, tapi so often kita tengok ke arah kegelapan tu juga dan berfikir, God, are you there? Seolah-olah meragui Dia. Membiarkan ketakutan menyelubungi kita seolah-olah kita nda pernah kenal Dia. Tuhan nda kecil hati ka tu ah kita bikin gitu? That's why la. Sekali sekala bila fikiran sia clear dan tenang, sia buli fikir dengan jelas, yang ini cuma sekerat jalan ja. Kalau sudah kita habiskan episode ni, masa tu baru kita nampak seribu satu macam jawapan yang kita cari. Jangan lupa untuk bersyukur, setiap inci anugerah di setiap nafas, di setiap langkah yg kita buat. Terus sia teringat pasal poem The Footprints. Buli2 sia lupa o kan? Poem pasal berjalan di pantai sama2 Tuhan. Orang tu bertanya, God, kenapa masa sia susah sia cuma nampak dua tapak kaki ja? Adakah Engkau meninggalkan aku di masa susah? God answers, No, those were my footprints. It was when I carried you. Bikin nangis kan kalau ingat?

Yes, bersangka baiklah dengan Tuhan. 

Love Till It Hurts...No More

Source: https://i.pinimg.com/

A Mystery Game Well Played?

Source: https://giphy.com/

My virtual friends...

I have associated with many great people I have met virtually mainly in the chatrooms. Actually, some of you already know that this identity is made specially for the virtual world only because that "rule of separation" that I made because virtual world to me is different from real world. They are just two different things. Like water and oil. They can never blend.

Lets say I actually know you in real world. And we both go to the virtual world. I rather that you become someone else I don't know so we could chat as our virtual identities regardless who you are in real world. That's the concept. Cos I come to virtual world for A Different Experience so I don't expect to still be talking to identities already known to be in real world. Because it will kill the thrill of the whole thing. For the record, I first came to mIRC when I was in my final year Uni, because I wanted to run from my messed up reality. I was really stressed out with my life that time. So going to virtual world was as an escapade. You get it now how I started the whole concept?

So to cut the story short, after many years and when the blog was created back in 2008, I was already surrounded by my virtual friends and they were the ones who made my blog known and known only to them cos my blog is not known to my real life people. So I already made it clear I've been following the rule since day one. But it wasn't so easy when the more time I spent online, the more good people that I met. Sometimes I wonder if they were just as good in real world and how good if they were. They might be a good addition to my real buddies. Yeah but then I don't feel like breaking my rules. If you become my real life buddy, and you read my blog, I lost my anonymity. One stupid rule is broken, but the question is do I still want to continue writing?

But then the world is getting older, so are we. What's with all these rules, right? Actually there will come a time when the puzzle is solved. So far I played a worthy game of mystery, don't you think? I mean, tho it was plotless, it was unplanned, STILL...sometimes I feel like I am a good mastermind like I have drafted everytime from day one judging from the curiosity that I have raised. So much that some would go extra mild just to solve it. Some even used cheatcodes! What else. I look back and wonder, What have I done?

Can I not be made a victim to my own puzzle? I mean maybe you don't get it. I didn't plot to play mysterious like this. I didn't attempt to create an image that doesn't exists, so the curious people can look up to me like I'm someone I'm not. It's not true. It's not like I'm tryna create a Perfect image in your mind that 256 is such a perfection, that's why it pays to go extra mild just to uncover her. That is not fair to me. 

I tell you what. Some time along the years, I did feel like I just want to change my own rule like lets just do it differently. Lets destroy this virtual vs real world shi**y rule or maybe just destroy this online identity altogether. Lets all go to the real world instead. Yeah I almost had that idea but maybe suddenly I noticed that it wasn't a good exit cos people made me think that I have a made a benchmark of expectation that I must fulfill to make them wait that long. Hahahahahaha.

Will continue this post some other time. I have more to say. Take care for now!