How Cerewet Are You?

Source: Agoda.com

Selepas experience sia pi staycation with my girl buddies (dorang ni bukan considered rapat pun sama sia but sia kenal all of them kecuali sorang yg sia baru jumpa on that day. Sebenarnya quite suprised yang sia setuju untuk pigi tu trip considering sia punya kecerewetan. But betul2 cerewet ka sia sebenarnya?

Selama ni, sia tau beberapa benda iaitu sia memang memilih kawan. Sia nda kisah kurang kawan asalkan kawan2 sia tu yg sia suka ja. Sia jenis yang nda suka share juga sebenarnya. I'm used to have my own space and sia prefer macam tu. Susah untuk sia imagine sia simply share room sama mana2 kawan walau camana pun rapatnya cos rapat kami pun bukan lah sampai level kau share katil or selimut. Definitely sia bukan gitu. Sia bukan jenis yg kalau sia terpaksa share my space, sia akan terus get used or get comfortable, melainkan sangat terdesak but that gonna make me feel awkward the whole time. So this idea to spend a nite with friends that I don't consider close (except for one of them yg selalu lepak at my office) was considered rare and macam satu challenge juga for me.

So apa verdict dia selepas dua hari spending time with these people? Sharing house, sharing bathroom, sharing bedroom and even sharing dining table and ate together. Rupanya sia ni considered "Very reasonable" sebab sia nda complain benda2 kecil. Dalam kami beberapa orang, ada yang lebih teruk daripada sia. Benda kecil sudah mau bisik2. Like, Eh sepa guna tu toilet tadi, entah ada siram ka teda. Hal macam tu bah. Imagine lahh. Dalam keadaan kamu semua adults yang buli berfikir, masih wujud juga satu dua antara kami yang mencari issue2 untuk dibangkit. Sikit2 geli, sikit2 pening, sikit2 bising, sikit2 cakap org membazir... Uishhh... sandi ehhh. None of the above yang sia bikin ooo. Punya bangga sia dengan diri sia sendiri yg cukup cewewet sudah nii. Rupanya ada pula yang lagii sandi dari sia. 

Level kesandian dia tu kan as if dorang pissed at anything that make sound or move. Tidak buli kalau teda benda yang nda kena bangkit. Macam something wrong kalau dorg akun semua ok. Katil di rumah tu pun kena check satu2. Nda buli ada stain sikit terus geliii ndamau guna terus katil tu. Di suruh pi tingkat bawah, takut ada hantu pula. Pi sofa, geli pula. Aduiiii. Lepas kena masak, ada yg geli mau makan sebab takut sakit perut or takut nda bersih sbab bukan tangan sendiri yang masak. Sedangkan sia? Sia ok ja dan enjoy every moment, banyak ketawa, banyak pot pet dan macam2 la sia cerita. Not to mention time kupi2, lepak2 makan junkfoods, leisure yang paling sia enjoyy. I was surprised yang nda payah pun my favourite people yg di depan sia. Sia decided to enjoy everything at the present moment dan tengok dorang melalui kebaikan dan kelebihan dorang yang sia nampak masa tu. 

Selepas balik dari trip tu, cerita2 la sama sorang kawan tu. Mula la dia bercakap yg dia nda happy sudah on the second day. Banyak benda2 mengganggu fikiran dia. Dia nda puas hati sama one of the friends yang bisik2 nda puas hati pasal bayaran. Lepas tu how dia mentioned that same friend juga yg kasi spoil mood dia. Tapi sia nda rasa pun semua tu. Sia okkkkk jaa. Tapi bukan sia nda sedar benda tu berlaku cuma bukan tu focus sia. Sia focus on benda2 yang sia sukaa and sia focus berabisss sampai teda sepa yang buli bring sia down masa tu. 

I loved the place. Sudah lah sejuk, ada gunung, ada bunga2, and meriah sama orang2 dalam suasana yang damai. Garsh. Cabin kami pun cantik. Sepa yang masih nda menghargai tu semua, memang rugi. Dan syabas untuk diri sia, actually maybe selama ni sia PERNAH begitu teruk tapi sia tidak selamanya begitu. Kebijaksanaan ni mengubah kita. Mustahil kita nda belajar tentang kemanusiaan dan mustahil pengalaman nda mematangkan kita. Sia pun tidak sedar sejak bila yang I tried to loosen up sikit sia punya kecerewetan tu. Ah, remind me how I love being an adult. Ni la kelebihan dia. 

Sampai bila mau cerewet kan? Kalau bangga sama diri yang serba cerewet tu, tolong stay sorang2 at home and jangan lagi fikir mau join trip2 macam ni. I mean, kalau kau rasa kau paling bersih, kau paling kemas, kau paling teliti, kau lah paling segala-galanya, tinggal la di Istana kau sendiri. Jangan lah mix dengan orang and pegi trip begini, buang duit hanya untuk cari kelemahan orang lain. How immature. Dorang ni kawan2 sia juga but maybe dorang pun akan lalui proses adaptasi kan pematangan juga. Anggap ja gitu la. Maybe sia dulu pun macam dorang ni. Si sombong yg cerewet. Apa untung dia? TEDA. 

Sia cakap2 gini macam la sia cukup bagus sudah kunun kan? Hahahaha. Inda. Sia masih juga cewewet sebenarnya tapi like I said, biar bertempat. Maybe sia lalui phase yang sukar dengan panic disorder sia, trust me sia beribu-ribu kali mau jadi normal macam orang lain. Sia akan grab itu chance untuk menikmati kehidupan sebagai seorang yg tidak perlu melalui simptom2 yang menyengsarakan sia. Or maybe "Pain" tu buat sia lebih appreciate life or actually memang sia appreciate life pun before that. So imagine jaa the amount of gratefulness that I have now. Kamu fikir sia mau sia-siakan dengan benda2 remeh gitu? 

Jangan mau rugi dalam hal2 menikmati pemberian Tuhan ni. Kutip benda yang indah2 sejaa sebab kadang2 yg nda indah tu dibagi juga sama kau walaupun kau nda mau. Cukup2 la rugi di sana. Biar benda yang kita atur sendiri, biar tiada lain melainkan untung2 belaka. Untung la dalam menghargai rasa bahagia dalam hidup ni.

Jangan biar sifat cerewet tu blok kebahagian tu. OK?

That's How Powerful Your Mind Is

Source: https://timeandthymecom.files.wordpress.com

Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend and he had Bipolar Disorder. When he told me, I was quite concerned if he could engage strange behaviours that might hurt other people. What did I know back then, right? He said Noo, it's not that kind of sickness. He had been taking medication since the age of 5, and I knew him when he was 19. IMAGINE THAT! We could not even stand taking Panadol every now and then and he popped pills since he was too young to even know about it.

So guys, unfortunately it wasn't destined to be. It must be really tough for him to deal with it. After a few years that we parted ways, I met him back on Myspace and he told me how he burnt all my photos. I felt really really sorry inside. But I could never understand how he went through every ordeals and Survived. He's also problematic in his relationships. He was good looking, he was so kind and gentle but he was not emotionally steady because his mood swings. Yeah that word Mood Swings play a big part in the patients of Bipolar Disorder. But please, that term often used to describe those in Cancer zodiac so don't tell me all the Cancerians have Bipolar Disorder! So okay, maybe there's just a bit more characteristic to be diagnosed with the disorder. Sometimes, my vulnerability made me wonder, did I too have Bipolar Disorder?

I remember back in February, I had a chit chat with my bestie and we jokingly said, I guess if we all meet a psychiatrist, we all have a kind of mental disorder. ALL OF US. Because there's always something that makes us weird to other people. And we know it but we couldn't help. Sometimes it's too much fear over something everyone is brave about, sometimes we find something normal too everyone, as offensive, or we overthink stuff that are just a tiny matter not worth a thought by most people.

Guess what, a day after I met my bestie, I got my first "attack". Please read back post that I wrote sometime in March. I managed to actually cured myself with self therapy, but it happened again after two weeks. And I was cured again. And it happened again after 1 month. And this time it was just "fighting back". My body started to react in ways I couldn't understand.  Even more than I have already described in that long post. My symptoms were now more severe than before. New symptoms were appearing like muscle ache, irregular heartbeat, gastritis, and the worst part was the feeling I was about to pass out. GARSH. Everything I told you in that post, it was just minor compared to the one I had in the last 2 weeks of May. One time, my upper body just went Numb, and I had to rush to the clinic cos I thought I could just faint anytime. The thing is, it was all okay when you reached the clinic. Again and again the doctors would say, "Everything is fine with you. I can't give you medication". I said, "DOC, NOOO. I don't think I can survive the night. I'm gonna faintttttt." She said, "NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FAINT."  I remember that clinic visit during first Raya, when I was really sure this time, it was a BATTLE with my own mind. How CAN I win it??? Can I even win it?

So when I meet the specialist, the doctor told me I actually studied my own symptoms very well before I decided to meet him. "You already know what you have," he said. Yeah, I got Panic Attacks. Almost all the symptoms matched mine. But Panic is in the same category with Anxiety. But those are really normal words, right? Who would have guessed that these words turn out MASSIVE enough to even turns your body system upside down. WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN when you are getting Attacks like that? The doc said, what happened to me started long ago because of my nature of wanting things to be in order, wanting things to be perfect, can't simply accept criticism and someone who likes to analyze and made me overthink. All those are wearing me out after all the years. And what happened when the healers went to my house was just a Triggering factor that blown out all the things that I thought I have kept well within my control. So what actually happened with all the uncontrollable things that my body did to myself? Yeah, as you can guess it, it's some of the chemical in the brain. They are now imbalance. All the happy, positive and rationale hormones, are all messed up now. So my brain is giving WRONG SIGNALS to my body as if I have a different disease so thats why parts of my body reacted in the certain way that I couldn't handle. Therapies can help but it will take a long road and you will have to stand getting "attacks by attacks" while you are on your recovery. 

I was the positive 256 you always knew. But since I started getting the attacks, my overworked brain just went haywire. At times, I couldn't even know what I was thinking, what I was feeling, it was all mixed up, "blendered" in one batter of cluttered brain. When it was happening, I felt struggling to get hold of the moment. Not to mention when suddenly my muscles started to ache everywhere (my arms, my shoulders, my neck, my back) and I could feel gases trapped in my stomach, and if I failed to control it much longer, I could start getting shortness of breath and the feeling of fainting, all at once. It was so so so so badddd and soo so soo awful. Please believe me. That time I said, I'd pay ANY PRICE to END THIS!!!!

So I've been taking medication to balance back the chemical in my brain. Do you believe they actually have this kind of medication? And then I learnt there are so many individuals who went through this phase in their lives too. And good news is, they are healed. The doc said, Yes you can heal but you want to make sure that you are healed forever. You don't want it to come back. Going to the 3rd weeks with the medication, I start to feel changes again. I do some tests to my mind like "trying to feed my mind with some fearful nonsense" just to see how it reacts now. But it does not react the same way anymore. There's just something in my brain is now changing. IT'S BLOCKING nonsense thoughts from getting in. Now it's even clearer to me how medication could help. All these chemicals balance can be achieved the natural ways too but it takes a lot of work and remember that you are currently A Patient, so you are busy with your sickness and might delay your natural recovery. 

The doc said, there's nothing wrong with my nature but it's making me sick. I should try to be calmer, learn how to slow down (even in talking cos it only shows how my mind struggles cos I like to rush things) and there are a few challenges that I have to take this year to prove that I can conquer my fears. I don't know but 2020 is already very tough with Covid-19, but what if I could make it up by accomplishing all these challenges. I really don't know yet. 

I actually wanted to write about this condition of mine much earlier but I was still not in the stable state to do that. Right now, I could write about it calmly cos you know I'm starting to be in control of myself again. Are you guys excited that you will see me again as the ever crazy 256? (It's not like you notice my absence right? Cos I've always been crazy you could not tell the difference. Hahahaha)

Guys, if ever that you experience things like I did, please calm down. Many out there are like us. There are effective treatments too so don't worry. Better yet, please always be in jovial and positive environment to minimize your risk of getting this. People like me are somewhat "cursed" because some of these stuff running in our blood so we are more exposed to it. But still, don't panic, don't worry. If the fragile-since-kid 256 can do it, I'm really sure you can do it much better. I have faith in you. Most importantly, have faith in YOURSELF. 

Have faith in God. If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.  AMEN!!

Jadilah Kawan Yang Begitu

About a month ago, I decided to help me 3 clueless friends. The help is considered big because it's a massive help for them. Sia punya decision untuk help dorang tu bukan satu keputusan yg begitu mudah. Sebab bukan senang dalam keadaan MCO masa tu. Sia perlukan banyak details dorang untuk tulung dorang isi form segala. Padahal dorang pun hari2 sama fon juga. Cuma tu lah, maybe nda so tech-savvy, sia faham juga lah. Or just lazy and refuse untuk upgrade skill masing2. I mean, dalam keadaan sia nda terjumpa dorang sudah 2 bulan masa tu, it was not my responsibility to even care welfare dorang knowing that they are also surrounded by people who could do it for them.

But entah lahh. I just thought. Eh, why not help them kan? Oh, I think I talked about it di post sia sebelum ni. Remember kawan yg kasi pinjam sia jaket jeans dia masa hujan? Yeah, that time lah. Tapi masa tu sia cuma tulung dia ja kan. I ended up tulung another 2 friends benda yang sama. Dengan begitu kepayahan dan reluctance nya sia tapi sia redahh juga. Reason sia adalah, KENAPA TIDAK? Maybe ada kesian dalam hati, ada rasa kemanusian, persahabatan dan akhir sekali, of course, kalau berbuat baik tu tidak sesusah mana, kenapa tidak? Sia mimang rasa itu conscience sia yg buat sia rasa mau tulung. Biarpun tiada reward.

Kalau diikutkan hati, buli ja sia highlight benda2 nda best yg pernah berlaku antara kami. Di masa si kawan tu backbiting sia di belakang, or di masa si kawan satu lagi tu tidak amanah dengan pegi guna duit yg customer kirim melalui dia. She also made me lose RM100 sebab idea dia and she didn't take responsibility at all. Sia ingat tu semua walaupun sia sudah forgive dorang. But I don't forget. Buli ja sia ambil peluang tu untuk jadi kawan yang tidak peduli. Just like kawan2 dorang yg lain yg tidak peduli pun. Kenapa pula sia yg kena peduli dorang kan? Nahh itu la thoughts yang berlegar2 di kepala sia. 

Selepas I decided to help the first friend, sia tanya2 lagi kawan kedua, dia pun blur. Sia nampak dia punya effort tapi dia just too blur to know what's next. Then ringan pula hati sia tiba2. BAHH, mari lah sia tulung! Ok done. And then the third one pun sia tau dia lagi la terkapai2. Sudahlah gaduh sama anak perempuan dia yg selalu dia harap untuk tulung2 dia. Then timbul lagi kesian. Walaupun dia ni musuh ramai org sebab mulut dan panas baran dia. Tapi sia masih pandang kebaikan dia walaupun sekecil mana. Then again, sia offer, Bahh marilah sia tulunggg.

So akhirnya, semuanya mendatangkan hasil. Syukurrrr. Dalam pada tu, ada lagi issue lain yg dorang bisingkan pasal si kawan ni pentingkan diri dan mau sendiri ja maju ke depan. Sia jadi mediator juga la kunun. Terus buat sia terfikir, Kalau la sia berfikir macam tu hari tu, mesti sia sorang2 ja yg dapat untung kan? Sia bilang ah. Mimang pedas juga ayat2 sia ni kadang2. Sebab sia geram. Benda kecil2 pun dorang mau berkira. Nampak mau sorang ja maju. Senang cerita, KALAU lah sia macam dorang, mudahnya untuk sia bikin. Petik jari ja. Tapi sia TIDAK. Jadi sia harap dorang buli fikir kalau ada kawan yg sanggup tolong dorang, patutnya dorang pun sanggup tolong kawan yang lain dengan nilai2 kemanusiaan yang sama!! 

So kawan yg pernah kasi pinjam jaket tu cakap sama sia tadi, "256, masa macam tu la kita tau sepa kawan yg sebenar!!!" Dalam hati sia, Noo, jangan tujukan benda tu sama sia. Sia bukan kawan yang begitu. Sia kawan yg biasa2 ja. Sia buli cakap Tidak sama kau berkali-kali tanpa rasa bersalah. Sia buli lukakan hati kau dengan kata2 dan perbuatan sia. Cuma sekali tu ja sia tulung. Jangan kasi sia award begitu senang. Sia ndamau pengikhtirafan begitu. Semakin kau kasi up sia, semakin kau akan terluka sama perbuatan sia di masa depan. Jadi anggap sia sebagai kawan biasa2. Cukup lah.

Kemarin kami sibuk plan a staycation with all ladies only. Plan punya plan, as usual sia mimang Tuan Director kalau di setiap plan yg sia terlibat. Especially kalau teda yg mau take charge atau teda yg better at doing that. Lagipun sia ndamau benda yang sia commit my time, org plan cincai2. I usually mau the best, or else kenapa lah sia nda ikut. So begitu la sia, kawan2. Bukan juga the best yg sampai susah urg mau ikut, but at least plan tu tersusun, bersistem dan tidak kelam kabut. Sia nda suka plan cincai2 lepas tu berserabut. Tapi jan kamu salah faham ah. Bukan bermaksud sia set standard yg tinggi untuk satu perancangan tu sampaikan org terbeban. No, tidak. Lets say pasal pegi trip or anything, at least sudah kena set semua tempat yg mau dipigi. Sudah buat research. Begitu la style sia. Sia nda suka main redah ja lepas tu masa terbuang gitu ja. Ndamau gitu. So tiba2 ada org mau join last minute yang kami susah mau tolak. But quota kami terlebih. Then suddenly sia ringankan hati untuk mau tarik diri. But kawan sia yang mulakan idea tu trip (iaitu the same friend yg kasi pinjam jaket) said to me, Kalau kau teda, kenapa la nda jadi ni trip!!! Ingat yg party Raya dorang bikin sebelum tu? Delay 2 kali gara2 sia. Kasi ke tiga tu kasi jadi sebab ada sia. Tapi kawan sorang tu pula teda, clash jadual dia. But my friend bersusah payah kasi jadi juga tu acara di office dia - then I figured out. Kenapa la yang lain tiada, yg penting si 256 ada! 

Jadi walaupun nda dicakap terang2, kita tau juga sepa yg betul2 appreciate kita kan? Sia bersyukur dalam keadaan mulut laser dan pedas sia ni kadang2, kawan2 sia sanggup hadap tu semua. In fact, semalam, masa berwasap2 sama one of the friends yang sia tulung tu tapi pasal hal lain, sempat dia panas sama sia sebab sia cakap terus terang yg idea dia sudah kasi rugi kawan2 kami yg lain sebab dia recommend someone untuk buat kerja yg harga RM100 tapi tidak berbaloi sama harga. Memang la dia panas. Hahahahaha. Tapi itu kebenaran. Berani kan sia cakap gitu sama someone yg 7 tahun senior dari sia? Hahahahahaa. Sia tau dia panas tapi sia lajak ja. Then sia tau juga last2 dia ndamau tersilap cakap sama sia sebab dia tau sikit2 hal pun sama sia juga dia bertanya dan mengadu. Sempat dia minta sorry sama sia kalau dia ada tersalah cakap, terkasar bahasa. Sia ketawa ja sebab sia tau sia sudah kasi panas dia. I said, Lucu juga tu cakap gitu? Malas sia mau bikin ayat emo. Ndapa, next time jumpa sia lepak makan kuih pisang sama sia pun anggap seja zero-zero balik. Ok ja tu!!

Sia ada byk hal lebih rumit dari tu. Tapi dalam masa2 gini, sia rasa tidak susah jadi kawan yg buli mendengar dan bercakap bila perlu. Kadang2 urg cakap apa guna kau belajar tinggi2 tapi kerja cikai2, well, ini la guna dia. Sebagai individu kau tetap ada kelebihan tapi teda guna kalau kau nda gunakan untuk kebaikan orang lain juga. Di sini la kau mau buktikan kebergunaan kau. Jadi lah manusia yg kawan kau akan pilih untuk selamatkan kalau dia cuma ada satu org ja yg boleh dia selamatkan selain diri dia. Nah, itu simbolik ja. Jan terlampau mengharaplah ok? Selesa lah jadi seorang kawan. Semoga lebih banyak baik kau daripada jahat kau. 

Jadilah kawan yg begitu. 

Bersangka Baik...

Bersangka Baik dengan Tuhan. Ni sia dengar quote orang Muslim but true, sia mau advice diri sia the same thing. Sebab kita semua pun actually menghadapi challenges yg seribu satu macam tahun ni kan. Memang ada cahaya harapan di setiap sudut selagi kita mencari, tapi so often kita tengok ke arah kegelapan tu juga dan berfikir, God, are you there? Seolah-olah meragui Dia. Membiarkan ketakutan menyelubungi kita seolah-olah kita nda pernah kenal Dia. Tuhan nda kecil hati ka tu ah kita bikin gitu? That's why la. Sekali sekala bila fikiran sia clear dan tenang, sia buli fikir dengan jelas, yang ini cuma sekerat jalan ja. Kalau sudah kita habiskan episode ni, masa tu baru kita nampak seribu satu macam jawapan yang kita cari. Jangan lupa untuk bersyukur, setiap inci anugerah di setiap nafas, di setiap langkah yg kita buat. Terus sia teringat pasal poem The Footprints. Buli2 sia lupa o kan? Poem pasal berjalan di pantai sama2 Tuhan. Orang tu bertanya, God, kenapa masa sia susah sia cuma nampak dua tapak kaki ja? Adakah Engkau meninggalkan aku di masa susah? God answers, No, those were my footprints. It was when I carried you. Bikin nangis kan kalau ingat?

Yes, bersangka baiklah dengan Tuhan. 

Love Till It Hurts...No More

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