And I'm still here...

Hi my babyblog. I'm back for now. I gotta write this one down. So that when "I'm still here again" next time, I can read it and reminisce those moments.

This year is the first year that I'm totally off any medication that is related to my panic attack. I shall write this down for my future self to remember how is the first year "being independent". The Struggle Is Real. The more I read about the experiences of other people, they all have something in common but not everything is the same.  I can see how each of them studying their own bodies and understand how the symptoms take a toll of them. And How they deal with it everytime. Some are much more terrible than what I have but still, during the "moment of agony" nothing bout that matters. Enduring each time is really a matter of "Will I still be here later?"

Why that question, u ask? Because it is just so terrible that all u think is "your last moment" on earth. Seriously. When your body starts to react to little pain and discomfort, as little as a small bruise or swelling that is purely physical, a world of Uncertainty just comes to your mind. Yeah your mind keeps playing all the tragedies u read of how someone suddenly Faint, and Go, and never comes back. Trust me the thought of the Uncertainties is one of the worst part of surviving the "attacks". But still, the worst part is when suddenly you don't hold the remote control to your body anymore. It just goes haywire for a bit, with your heart beating faster, with your mind gets foggy and sometimes you breathe faster, EVERYTHING, enuff for u to feel that it's really your last moments. 

But wait, after all said and done, I'm still here typing this. Feeling good and all. But a few hours ago I had those agony briefly. Even how many times I had it, I'm still terrified everytime that happens. On my way home from work, I was unsure how I'm gonna be when I reach home. But what happened was, I entered the house and right away went to the kitchen and cooked, and then had my dinner. OH MAN. What happened? 

Yes, let me say this. This is what usually happens. The agony does not last forever. Theoretically, the symptoms only last for 15 minutes and suddenly everything back to normal. But it could be longer for some people, and maybe shorter. The most important thing is The Distractions. The more distracted you are, the better. It could be gone before u know. But I had one terrible nite last month during my PMS, maybe the impact of sugar and other things too. Remember that any kind of anxiety has links with the guts. That day I had all the foods I like but yeah, just a bit more sugar than normal days. I usually allow that on Sunday, out of self rewarding after a long week at work. But I guess I ate variety of things out of normal and maybe it clashed with all the hormonal imbalances, I just got one of the worst symptoms in this whole year. That's how I know that when I first got it, and then recovered, it never really leaves my body. After that nite I know that it's part of how my body reacts to the external forces that I let in.  The worst symptoms can still anytime unleash. The difference now is that now I am aware what is happening to me. Unlike when I first got it and with no proper consultation from the specialist.

So my dear self, here you are again. Remind me when that happens, it will LEAVE. You'll be okay, dear self. After many "attacks", I'm still here feeling healthy and good, and filled with positivity and gratefulness. Well, this is my cross to bear but sthing up there reminds me that yes this cross is heavy, but I can lift it because I'm given that strength. I have to say this again... Alleluia to the Lord above. Without him I'm nothing. And thank you cos I'm still here living my life. Amen. 

 

Surviving The Insiders

Source from Google images

Hola. It's been a while. In fact only my second post in 2023. I will just let my fingers dance on the keyboard without anything clear in my head. Lets talk about my overview of 2023 so far.

Actually macam tahun2 sebelumnya, merenung kehidupan ni in a bigger picture is something that I do everytime I spend my quiet time alone. Fast forward to 2023, now that we are getting older, banyak benda yang boleh kita renung. Perubahan dari macam2 segi, alongside time yang terus bergerak detik demi detik. Berfikir pasal KEHIDUPAN and WHAT'S NEXT, itu memang nda lari dari fikiran. In fact makin jelas ke mana arahnya semua ni kan.

As a woman, entering new decade in my life, memang terfikir hari tua. I see that some people are doing it much earlier. They are really preparing for the old days even from 20 years earlier. It's always about - The Old Days. Me being a short term person, sia nda tinguk jauh. Sia lebih peduli pasal the nearest Next, instead of 20 years later, I'm a 1 month later kind of person. I'm sure there's no right or wrong sebab yang lalui hidup masing2 adalah diri masing2 juga. 

Of of the biggest highlights in my life so far is still me discovering when I first had panic attacks in 26 Feb 2020 - not that I have not moved on but I'm still observing how my body reacts eversince that day. As far as 2023 is concerned, maybe boleh dikatakan semakin In Control, cos only last year I remembered I popped Xanax a few times but only very little amount, but that time I was getting used to a new workplace and environment, so it was freaking challenging. Now things are doing much better. But I have to mention the recent incident where a few times I got a slight attacks, in fact I occasionally have them from time to time, tapi semuanya manageable. Tapi everytime that happens, I'm still terrified. Biarpun this time I know what's happening but I'm still not so sure about what's next. Sampaikan I tell myself this, "IF I'M STILL ALIVE AFTER THIS, REMEMBER THAT THIS IS JUST HORMONAL DISTURBANCES, AND I HAVE SURVIVED IT AGAIN."

Dear ladies, I don't know about you but my PMS days are the most unstable times of my month. It's when I understand my hormones go haywire, and since the days my body intruded by the sickness, I wonder if it would ever go away. So far, it hasn't. But remember, this isn't about an OUTSIDER. This is my own hormones, my own body, my own biological system, which are the INSIDER. I recalled the recent occurance, in one morning, I couldn't describe the feeling. Like Numbness of the upper part of my neck. I had to touch my face to feel it's there, sthing like that. Sounds scary right? Maybe the hormonal disturbances got even worse with certain food. I remember eating durian, something I watch myself closely when I eat it. Cos I know durians can be toxic. It happened only a few longest seconds in my life. I had the urge to give in - like say it out loud, HELPPPP, I'M NOT FEELING GOOD RIGHT NOW. Kamu tau ka tu feeling masa tu? Sia fikir sia mau JALAN sudah. Sebab unbearable tu feeling biarpun kejap ja. GILAA, so gila. Just extra strength yg kana top up entah dari mana, I got the courage to take another step and teruskan langkah. I got into my office and I said to myself, I Will have to fight this for a while. If I faint if I fall, at least it's at a proper place. Guys, sandi bahh. Tapi to my surprise, entah camana, sia duduk di chair sia terus sia buli mula fikir benda lain. Kerja yang mau dibikin, and sia still manage to do it. Before I know, tu feeling yg menggila tadi tu actually not there anymore. WHAT WAS THAT, I thought. Sia geleng kepala ja bila fikir. Cos I must remember during the early times when I first had the sickness, it was much much worse than this. SERIOUSLY. Pun sudah sia lalui. Dan I'm still here in one piece, still functioning as a human yg seadanya. So what I'm trying to say is, this sickness is so tricky. Cos it's an INTERNAL thing. 

Ok, so back to the topic. Banyak benda baru yang sia discover juga. Tapi terlanjur sudah sampai di usia ni, biarpun banyak benda kita bikin yg boleh dibikin lebih baik, cara yang boleh diubah ikut yg lebih mendatangkan manfaat, like I said, terlanjur kita bangun di usia begini and hidup dengan cara yg ada. Kita terima kekurangan kita tapi nda bermaksud inilah masa kita hentam diri kita dan semua kesilapan kita di masa lalu. Keputusan2 yang silap tu, Oh gosh, will I ever learn yang masa lalu tu cuma debu2 ja. Memang bodoh la kalau dihantui debu2. Biarpun cakap ja senang tapi biar kita JANGAN LUPA yg perjalanan kita ni adalah ke depan. GUYS, WAKE UP. Kita tau penghujung hidup kita, jadi setiap langkah kita menuju ke arah tu. Sisa2 hayat kita ni berbaloi ka isi dengan masa lalu? Biarpun in a way, memories tu HARTA bagi sia. Tu la sia suka ambil gambar dan menulis, sebab dari dulu sia tau apa meaning dia utk hari kemudian. Bagi sia memories tu mcm treasure yg sangat berharga, TAPI I should remind myself yg kesilapan dan kebodohan sia yang lalu, hanyalah debu. Macamana dorg try pun they can do nothing to my present time.

So I still agree satu benda - iaitu living the moments. Mengumpul happy points di setiap hari, setiap kesempatan dan setiap accomplishment. Kalau kita boleh becakap berapi2 pasal perkara gila yg kita bikin, nah ini kan pula bercakap pasal perkara bahagia. Sia masih tidak dpt ikut rentak org pasal the common standard yg society kita ada. Maybe sia nda dpt capai tu tapi MAYBE I JUST DON'T WANT TO. Garsh, people. Kenapa la kalau kita tidak sekaya dorg. Kenapa la kalau kita tidak berharta. Sia nda cakap yg it's okay to just hidup cukup makan tapi jangan la kita terlampau mengejar utk setaraf sama org lain ada impian yg nda sama mcm kita. Imagine la, sia dengan mindset sebegini pun masih boleh terbuai sama kepedulian pasal impression org terhadap life sia. At one point, I can overthink apa lah org cakap pasal sia, tapi kalau mau difikirkan, memang teda hujungnya, semua tu cuma andaian yg sia2 ja. Yang kau ada adalah diri kau seadanya. Baik kah, buruk kah, ada org yang nampak kehebatan kau,  dan sebaliknya, atas apa pun alasan. Jadi sesaat pun kau overthink pasal org yg pandang rendah sama kau, tidak akan mengubah apa2. You are still the biggest power dlm life kau. I suggest go ahead and walk tall. Life kau adalah pilihan  kau dan kau BERJAYA sejauh ini. Apa guna mau impress org yg kau terpaksa korbankan bahagia kau sendiri. GILA. I WILL NEVER DO THAT. So here I am seadanya. I'm sorry if you are those people who are meant NOT to like me. Ndapa. Kau go ahead dan teruskan kegemilangan hidup kau. Hayat kita ni terbatas. BIAR LAH. Kita teruskan hidup masing2 ja. BOLEH MACAM TU?

Ok, sia menulis totally ikut sukati jari2 sia ja ni. Langsung teda berlandaskan format apa2. Tapi u should know yg sia menulis ni utk diri sia jua di kemudian hari. Ini adalah jurnal hari ni yg akan merekod footprints kepala otak sia ni. Nda wajib utk ada tapi I WANT TO HAVE THEM. Ini salah satu cara sia hargai kehidupan sebab ingatan kita ni bukan permanent. I want to read them and smile as how far I have come.

So guys, kita teruskan perjuangan la kan? Almost mau habis setengah tahun sudah ni. Ekonomi yg lembab ni nda buli dinafikan tapi sudah lama kita survive dengan passion yg ada, so masih boleh bernafas. Kita masih sempat bikin magic. The word HOPE tu bah, sentiasa menyala. Hebat betul tu word. Bah Jom kita continue journey kita. Sia wish baik2 untuk semua ah. 

Kalau kamu buli baca sampai sini, sabas buatmuhhh. Harap2 ada la terdetik secebis dua ilham dari mana2. And Thank You :) Till next post.

Entering 2023 Like A "Diva"

Source: http://clipart-library.com/

Orang cakap semakin meningkat usia, kita makin matang dan makin bijak dalam apa juga tindakan kita. But I wonder, does it mean yang kita akan totally change? Will we ever change and be a different person completely from 5 years ago?

Entering the first day of 2023 today, while at the church, I did a lot of thinking before the mass started. I still have things unsettled brought from 2022. The situation that involved friendship, that made me look so immature and problematic. Suddenly I stopped talking and never answered back all the messages. This friend who I trusted, who I thought understands me the most, did something not in my favour. And she should know it but what she also has reason behind what she did. 

Terfikir juga, adaka kita semakin menDIVA dengan usia kita. Kita rasa makin entitled and semua benda kita mau ikut apa yg kita mau. If I say Yes to that, that's not true juga. Okay, lets make this clear. Back in school,  I had no choice. Sepa yg jadi my classmate, sepa yg jadi my dormates, I relied on my luck so I could avoid some names that I disliked. But I remember, luck was not always on my side. In fact, the top name that I disliked the most, became one of my dormates. As much as I hated it, I lived with it and all its consequences. Being many years younger back then, I might have better tolerance. But even that, I ended up arguing with the toxic person because I ran out of patience because she embarrassed me during English class. So remember that I always have this limit.

So selepas bertahun2 lepas school, I have more choices now. No more that I have to follow rules orang lain. Tapi that freedom bukan free. Besar harga dia. Tapi I chose it because I decided that I WANT PEACE in my life. If I don't like it, I will not do it. SIMPLE. Dan tiada sepa yang buli simply order sia do otherwise, unless I volunteer to do it. Maybe because of that, apa yang berlaku ni violated my freedom, and the person who did this is my closest friend. She always believe that we have grown up and should be wise enough to evaluate situations. She has always tolerated with this one toxic friend of ours, and in the name of maturity, she does that because that friend needs extra attention because of her toxic nature and we should be extra patient with her. I have tried my best and she got on my nerve quite a few times. So after many years not being in contact with her, it was this closest friend's effort who brought us all together in a group. Now in the name of friendship, she puts us in the same chat group where we got to see her toxicity everyday. And she left the group twice also out of her toxicity and my friend just couldn't wait to add her back. Despite knowing the issue that I and my other friends have with her, she just doesn't care about the rest of us. What's more important to her is she couldn't leave that friend alone because the history that they both shared. Now she's dragging everyone else so that friend has more company and feel accepted. Do you see how she violated us? That she never asks if it's okay with us. She just assumes we could cope - again because of the theory of maturity that she keeps saying. 

So right now, I enter into my silent mode. Maybe she got it that I disliked what she did but she still couldn't help it and hope that I could just cope and be okay again. You know what I hate? I hate it even more when someone uses our close friendship to put me in this awkward situation. That I will just accept and understand. Am I a Diva when I feel so wronged? But no, I can't just walk in and put on a I'm Okay mask. I'm not a good actor. I can't be like them, they badmouth her behind her back and in front of her, they use angelic words to make her feel better. I CAN'T. THAT'S NOT ME.

So I tried to talk myself down - 256, can you just forgive? But this is not about forgiveness. This is about going on with life, forcing things that I can choose not to. She can still have her way without me. I accept that the toxic trait is just part of her and I don't expect her to change. Just like all the people who don't like me, they can go ahead without me. Why now when I have to do it, I feel like I'm being accused a Diva? Maybe back then they laughed when I said I rejected certain customers, because to them that means I rejected Money, but like I said, I value my peace more than anything. If customers are problematic, I rather concentrate on those who know the value of my work. I have my reasons. 

Susah2 sia pilih ni jalan hidup, ni kelebihan yang sia ada. Some people cannot do it biarpun dorg hidup senang cos they need to accept orders org atasan. Tapi memang berbaloi sebab hidup dorg senang. My life is not sesenang dorg tapi kelebihan yang sia ada ni, when someone tries to take it from me, I have to enter defense mode. I deserve to react. I paid for that freedom dengan semua kesulitan yang sia ada sekarang. Bukan percuma ya.

After all said and done, bulikah sia serahkan ja sama yang yg di atas untuk guide sia? O God, rendahkanlah ego sia kalau inilah yang memblock banyak blessings. Sia sanggup untuk kebaikan. And God, 2023 ni, I may start it with a moderate mindset but it doesn't mean I don't want to achieve greater things. May God give ways for good things to happen in my life. And of course most important is for my loved ones to always be under Your protection. I'm still amazed by how God have made things possible in 2022. May this faith just grow bigger. Alleluia! Thank you God. Amenn!

A Woman Who Marries Two

Bila baca tajuk, mesti ada yang fikir cuma bahasa kiasan. Dari apa yang kita tau, hanya satu agama ja yang bolehkan kawin lebih satu. Itupun kalau kau lelaki, camana kalau perempuan yang kawin lebih satu? 

Akhirnya ada kawan sia yang berada dlm situasi awkward. Yang sekali dengar, memang salah, tapi bila faham apa yang dia lalui, sia terpaksa buka minda utk pecaya sama keputusan dia. Yang pasti, perempuan yang bahagia TIDAK MUNGKIN akan kena melalui ni semua. Sebab dia sudah lama mau keluar dari marriage yang actually kasi bazir 20 tahun life dia, dengan tiada apa2 pun di tangan dia. In fact, dengan laki yang sudah nda bekerja, dia yg kena tanggung semua kos hidup dia di sini. Itu sia nampak sendiri dan setuju. Kalau dulu dia keluar rumah dengan tiada apa2, kalau sekarang dia balik kampung pun exactly sama, still tiada apa2. Not assets, no kids, no nothing. Dia almost has nothing to hold on to marriage dia. Cuma seorang laki yang masih boleh manfaatkan dia ja. And sorry to say, sia agree juga. Sudah bertahun sia dengar dorg ungkit pasal cerai, tapi hakikatnya the husband memang tidak akan lepaskan dia. Cos she's only the second wife yang bekerja dan boleh tanggung diri sendiri. And he only needs to worry about first wife and anak2. Bukan first time kawan sia nangis pikir situasi dia tapi belum juga dapat keluar dari life tu. Macam la dia bukan mcm perempuan lain yg fikir pasal diri dia juga dan hari2 yang mendatang. Perempuan ni ada kesabaran yang panjang tapi tetap ada limit.

Suddenly seorang lelaki dari zaman silam dia, tiba2 datang balik dalam life dia. Lelaki tu pun ditakdirkan duda. Dengan tau situasi si kawan di perantauan, lelaki tu sampaikan hasrat utk bina masa depan dengan si kawan ni. Selain daripada kesian, dia memang sangat2 suka dengan kawan sia ni. Cuma beza umur yang besar yang menyebabkan lelaki tu terima jodoh pilihan org tua dia dulu. Sekarang dia duda, dan bila terjumpa balik dengan si kawan ni, dia rasa ini lah masanya untuk dorg bahagia bersama. Dalam keadaan dia tau yang si kawan ni sudah berkawin di negera seberang. I don't know kalau sah utk buat begitu dari segi hukum hakam, adalah sudah tidak terpakai kalau di lain negara. Cos right now, dorang sudah rancang untuk nikah di negara dorg, sedangkan si kawan masih lagi di sini, dengan lakinya ada di sebelah. Dia susun  rancangan macamana supaya laki dia boleh lepaskan dia balik ke kampung dengan baik2. Dia rasa kalau dia berkeras utk minta cerai, keselamatan dia mungkin akan terancam. Laki dia sudah balik2 cakap, dia tidak mau kasi cerai sebab dia masih mau tu perkahwinan. Masa ni juga la dia offer utk dapatkan rumah, kasi duit, kasi cari kedai, dan macam2 lagi. Tapi kawan sia sudah tawar hati sebab 20 tahun dia kasi peluang, dia nda bikin pula semua tu.

Sebagai kawan, sia actually harap dia usaha untuk dapatkan cerai. Cerai dulu baru fikir kawin baru. Tapi dia pula sudah give up utk  minta cerai. Dia cakap surat cerai tu tidak penting pun sebab tiada anak juga. Tapi sia terfikir, boleh kah kau skip tu proses atas sebab tiada anak semata-mata? Bukan yang DI ATAS tu nampakkah? I mean, ya la kita semua ni manusia berdosa, tapi benda2 macam ni mcm terlampau extreme utk dibuat oleh seorang perempuan. Terus sia cakap sama dia, Jadi kau technically akan ada dua laki ka? Lain terus muka dia. Sia ndamau juga sound like sia mau stop dia daripada kejar bahagia dia.

"Jadi mau tunggu sampai aku umur berapa? Masa tu masih ada org yg sayang aku ka? Aku mau bazir berapa banyak masa lagi dengan org yang tidak boleh kasi aku hidup yang baik?" Bab ni sia terpaksa setuju. Sebab lelaki yg satu tu sangat beriya-iya. Dia sudah kasi sedia macam2 untuk persediaan sambut kawan sia ni sebagai bini dia. Kawan sia tersentuh dengan semua tu. Sebab dia nda pernah kena bikin gitu oleh laki dia. Dia ada cakap, dia tidak juga begitu cinta lelaki tu tapi dia sudah lama tersiksa sama marriage dia, tiba2 lelaki tu datang dengan kesungguhan dia, dia nampak masa depan yg cerah. And most importantly, "256, begini pula rasa kalau kena sayang kan?"

Dia akan ambil tindakan berani ni hujung bulan ni. Laki dia tu seakan boleh menghidu ada yg nda kena sama bini dia. Dia mula rasa kehilangan dan balik2 suruh kawan sia janji utk tidak khianati perkahwinan dorg. Dia boleh rasa ada orang lain kan? Kenapa la selama ni dia nda treat bini dia betul2? Sebab bila disuruh kasi lepas, dia ndamau. Dia cakap dia sayang bini dia tu. Tapi kenapa tidak pernah bagi dia yg terbaik ? Kenapa biarkan bini cari nafkah dan tanggung byk beban kewangan? Jangan lupa yg kawan sia ni almost tidur di tepi jalan gara2 terpaksa keluar dari rumah sewa secara mengejut. Kawan sia tetap lalui semua tu biarpun ada masa dia nangis juga. Sia sokong juga yg DIA BERHAK UTK BAHAGIA.

Biarpun sia concerned dgn keputusan terburu-buru nikah sama org lain sedangkan status masih berkawin dengan orang lain, sia rasa dia pun sudah cukup dewasa. Dengan hubungan tu nda direstui oleh org tua kawan sia tu, dia tetap mau teruskan. Tapi sampai bila kan? Kita bukan tau umur kita sampai mana. Kadang2 apa pun nda jadi kalau dengar cakap org. Not at this age.

Sia wish dia baik2 ja. Sia mau dia bahagia. Biarpun ekstrem, please live happily ever after anyway.  And Yes, kau berhak utk bahagia. Harap semuanya dipermudahkan.

1 cm Coffee...& Me

Source: googles image

If you read my recent posts of FB, I mentioned about drinking only 1 cm of my coffee from yesterday and I was wondering if I could drink that coffee again today cos I know I was going to drink only 1 cm of it again. It's like I'm trying to avoid wasting it. The taste was good. Or should I buy again another cup just to drink 1 cm of it?

Coffee and I have a long relationship down the road. We were besties. I was coffee and coffee was me. Cos I always love Coffee, the smell, the taste, everything. I know how to appreciate good coffee when I taste one.

Let me write this down so I will remember. The incident of 1 cm Coffee is to describe that my body starts to have tolerance issue with coffee. Yes, a lot of times I didn't finish my coffee for a reason but all those times I could finish them if I just go for it. But sadly now, my body starts to react to coffee. I think, when I first get my panic attack back in 2020, it impacts me in the long run. I remember when I was still recovering from it, I avoided coffee because it made my heart beat awkwardly. If you have this illness, you should know that it has a lot to do with heart rhythm. It can go haywire when you are having symptoms. But fast forward to 2022, I drank lots of coffee, almost like normal, until I noticed in my last menstrual cycle that my body started to "reject" coffee if taken too much. How much is too much? That's why I come out with 1 cm. Cos it's the level of coffee that I could afford to drink. 

Today, I tried to break the 1 cm level, I drank more because I got carried away with enjoying the coffee. Guess what? A few hours later, my body started to act funny. At some moments, I thought I was going to collapse. I sat there in my office chair, trying to cool down. OH MAN, IT'S THE COFFEE. I broke the 1 cm rule today. What is happening to me? Do coffee and I have to break ways?

I want to know if I will ever get back to the old days when Coffee and I can be besties again. For now, I have to stick to maximum 1 cm only, or avoid it at all. It's kinda sad, isn't it? But I'm positive about it. Suddenly it reminds me about things in life. They don't last. If you ask me, No, I have no regrets with coffee. I have always defended coffee. I have spoken good things about it. I even made more people started to love coffee. So if you ask me if I have regrets now that I have to restrict my coffee intake? No dear, no. I have my best times with coffee in so many years. So that's how I'm going to do with other things in my life. I will treasure you so much until I have no more regrets if things fall apart. So much that in this context, should someone feel the loss, it's not me, it's coffee :) 

The LandLady & The Wheelchair

 

I know them for years, I mean they are familiar faces but we never talked or have anything going on to even talk. But I know them. Sia tau dorg ni sepasang laki bini, buat bisnes sama2. And they have expanded to a bigger premis. 

Dorang laki bini ni boleh nampak macam orang baik2. Jenis yang beradab, cakap lembut2 dan buat bisnes lurus bendul. We know kan ada chinese yang macam ni. Nda semestinya semuanya cakap kuat or rough or asyik pikir untung. So selepas begitu lama sia tau kewujudan dorang, akhirnya we have urusan. Sia berurusan sama bini dia, logik juga la sebab sia pun perempuan. So I signed tu agreement di bawah nama orang lain. It could be the husband. So logiklah juga kan memang husband yang boss. This lady, as I have expected of her, so soft-spoken, jenis yang senang senyum and tidak banyak songeh. Terkena lagi sama sia yang species lurus bendul jua bab2 macam ni. Sia rasa kalau dia terkena sama yang bengkang bengkok, buli urang take advantage of her. But don't. Jangan lah. Urang baik sama kita, kita baik la juga sama urang. 

So mau dijadikan cerita, baru sia sedar yang sia nda penah nampak tu husband. Sia pernah masuk office dorang pun sia assume ja tu husband ada dalam sana yang sia nda nampak. Until today. Masa sia rush balik, sia ternampak someone sorong wheelchair. To my surprise, it was her. The landlady. And the guy in the wheelchair looked familiar but I didn't look at him betul2. They were going to my direction. She recognized me in the mask, and awal2 lagi dia senyum lebar macam biasa. Sia sempat Hi sama dia and tepuk bahu dia before dia berlalu. Terus laju di pikiran sia, was that the husband ka? Kan kebetulan I never saw him for a while. Cara dia tolak wheelchair tu, penuh dengan kesabaran, kepasrahan dan... u can see tu Obedience di sana. I don't know apa cerita, I might ask or I might not when we see each other again atas urusan kami.

Dalam kepala sia teringat gelagat the husband yang dulunya aktif bergerak, keluar masuk bangunan utk bikin urusan. Dorang dua ni maybe years older ja dari sia, tidak begitu jauh beza. Cuma sia nda sangka sia akan nampak dia di wheelchair dengan usia begitu. Betul lah teda sepa tau apa akan berlaku di masa depan. Dan without making assumptions yang macam2, sia focus on the landlady. Sia rasa kita punya permintaan mencari pasangan hidup ni seribu satu macam. Benda seremeh-remehnya pun kita kira. Mau yang itu, ini, begitu begini. Tapi u know what, bila sia nampak tu landlady surung wheelchair, suddenly something hit me. Kamu buli jamin ka urang yang kamu gila-gilakan sekarang ni akan sanggup surung wheelchair yang kamu naik sekiranya ditakdirkan kamu terpaksa duduk di wheelchair?

Actually maybe berpuluh tahun, the husband would never know how much the wife loves him. Until the point where he can no longer function and move and has to rely on someone to move. Sia jamin dia sudah dapat jawapannya. Yes, dat same lady yang selalu sama2 dia, dia la juga yang sorong wheelchair itu tanpa segan di depan orang. U know what? Nda kisah la apa yang kita mau, but apa yang kita perlu adalah pasangan yang BETUL2 SAYANG bukan dari jasad ja tapi juga soul kita. Yang akan tetap di sebelah kita dan nda akan kasi tinggal kita. Mungkin dulu kau pernah jadi gagah, muda, dan berkemampuan, tapi bila kau bukan lagi macam tu, orang yang tepat sudah memilih untuk sayang kau tanpa syarat. Tiba2 muncul kesedaran yang begitu and merenung balik kehidupan sendiri yang serba kekurangan. 

Sia happy untuk kamu2 yang ada orang begitu di sebelah kamu. Tolong jangan sia-siakan. Tolong jangan lepaskan permata itu untuk sebutir kaca. Untuk yang masih tercari2, yes, yang kita mau adalah orang yang sudah MEMILIH untuk MENYAYANGI kita sampai hujung nyawa.  Tiada tapi, tiada kalau, tiada syarat sama sekali. Kalau kamu jumpa orang ni anggaplah matlamat hidup kamu tercapai. And kalau kamu lah jadi si pasangan setia tu, sia pray yang kamu diberkati dalam setiap hal kehidupan kamu. Amen amen.

Betul- Betul Kerja Tangan Ghaib

Source: https://ratkin442.files.wordpress.com

Kamu yang ada agama, yg sembayang selalu or sekali sekala, sia mau tanya, do you really believe in God's punya kerja dalam hidup kamu seharian? Adakah kamu sembayang sebab sudah diajar begitu dari kecil, or kamu memang expect untuk nampak God's participation dalam hari2 kamu? Maybe it's nothing surprising juga la bila sia tulis macam ni sebab mimang sia selalu mention pasal kerja "tangan ghaib" ni. 

Anyway, yes, sia pun pernah miss juga sembayang. Tapi bila sia sembayang, mesti sia mention about guidance. Sebab sia ni adalah insan yang lemah, selalu bikin silap. Sia harap yang sia akan dapat guidance yang God kirim melalui kejadian or orang2 keliling sia. So, now Januari 2022, guess what, terjadi sesuatu yg betul2 bikin sia terkejut dan slowly sia realize betapa besarnya blessing yang sia dapat.

Kamu besa dengar word Wind of Change ba kan tajuk lagu? Anggap la perubahan yang berlaku tu adalah Wind of  Change yang TIDAK SAMA SEKALI adalah perbuatan sia sendiri. Imagine la sia dalam ship yang bergerak di air yg tenang, yang sia sendiri selesa begitu. Begitu la lama sia punya keselesaan tu, suddenly datang ni Wind of Change yg bikin kapal sia telah menukar haluan tanpa sia mau or tanpa sia bersedia. YES. So it's not my own doing. It's si tangan ghaib yang di atas. Teda penjelasan lain lagi. 

Sia sempat takut dan cemas. Sia sempat kena serang panic attack lagi mau pikir pi mana ship sia ni akan pegi. Adaka dia akan pegi ke tempat yg lagi ok atau sebaliknya? Tanda tanya tu tetap ada. Tapi sia nda buli menafikan, semakin sia celikkan mata hati sia, semakin sia nampak ATURAN yang begitu cantik dia bikin. Sebab selama sia selesa tu, dia kasi sia masa untuk prepare. Now sia actually sudah more than prepared, cuma sia teda tu courage ja. Nahhh, ni kali lah. Dia kasi hembus tu Wind of Change, sia teda choice kan? Nahh itu maciam la cara dia kasi sia guidance yang selalu sia sebut dalam doa sia. Dia FORCE sia ubah haluan sebab itu caranya untuk sia buli grow. Not just grow, but SOAR AND ROAR!

Oh My Goodness. Sia betul2 in awe. Kagum dan terpaku. Jangan la kita manusia ni mau cuba2 la kan. Sepintar2 kita, sehebat2 kita, teda buli lawan campurtangan si tangan ghaib tu. Sebab kalau ikut batas akal kita, memang sampai mana ja kan. Sia betul2 bersyukur sebab not just me, tapi orang sekeliling sia pun buli nampak tu betapa semuanya berlaku pada timing yg ngam. Oh My God. Again, sia betul2 kagum o. And ini adalah satu permulaan yang hebat untuk sia. 

Thank you Lord. Thank you.

"...Biar Sampai Hujung"

Bila semakin berusia, makin cluttered fikiran kita kan? Semakin banyak happenings di keliling kita yang sometimes affect emosi kita. Life ni memang fragile dari dulu, tapi sekarang semakin kita rasa. Begitu rapuhnya kehidupan ni. So apa kita mau buat sekarang? Adakah kita mau duduk termenung bersedih? Atau masih mampu kah kita mencari warna2 indah di sebalik semua ini?

I know most of you don't know me personally. Even I myself, yang sepatutnya paling kenal diri sia sendiri, pun cannot help but say yang actually sia buli ja dilahirkan jadi macam kamu dan yg lain2 yang "normal"...tapi TIDAK. God pilih sia untuk jadi begini. Personality yang complicated ni sebenarnya "membebankan" sia juga, cos bukan senang untuk simply Be The Opposite. Mau nda mau sia kena layan ni nature yg dibagi sama sia. Sia ada banyak phobias yang orang ndatau. Bukan senang mau hidup sebagai diri sia oo. Tapi sampai bila mau kasi pecah tu benteng kan? Sampai bila? How long do we have left sedangkan life is so fragile?

So this post mengingatkan sia sometimes masa mengenang life punya uncertainties ni, huiyo buli tahan tu benda2 yang masuk dalam kepala. Kepala kita ni kena attack oleh macam2 pikiran yg buli bikin emosi down. Asyik fikir what the worst that could happen to us. Macam2 la scenario dalam kepala, sampai sendiri emo di pisuk2. Doi dogooo. Buli ka kita ubah mindset kita ni? Buli kah?

Masa sia kena Panic attack in 2020 (dia ni keluarga Anxiety juga) sia rasa oo camana fragilenya hidup sebab sia rasa sia almost di hujung nyawa biarpun dia bukan sakit yg dinampak dengan mata kasar. Dan sampai bila la mau melayan penyakit2 "kecil" macam ni, KECIL jika dibandingkan sama betapa BESARnya kehidupan ni. Even my sister pun, sakit sikit dia bercakap macam la penyakit tu la yang paling matters sekali di dalam hidup dia. Then guess what? Sia teringat ni cousin sia yang much younger, tapi sudah pernah terlantar sakit di hospital dan sejak tu dia kena pegi dialisis. Begitu mudanya dia sudah kena macam tu. Imagine la apa perasaan parents dia sebab satu2nya anak perempuan kena lalui tu semua di usia muda. Tapi parents dia nda melatah tau. In fact dia sendiri jauh sekali dari melatah. Dia terus positif. Selepas dia sudah mula dialisis, dia masih teruskan hidup macam orang lain. Dia bertunang and then baru2 tu kawin. Nampak kah semangat dia untuk HIDUP? Dia tidak berhenti sedetik pun.

Walaupun sia bukan ada di sebelah dia untuk tau exactly apa macam perasaan dia yang kena pegi dialisis sampai tangan and lengan lebam2, tapi cukup untuk sia nampak aktiviti2 dia macam orang sihat lain. Yang dia tidak perlu dramatik sangat pasal keadaan kesihatan dia sebab kenapa mesti bazirkan hidup kan? YESSS, that's the word. Sudah2 lah bazirkan hidup!!!

Sekarang ni jangan kita buat kerja Tuhan, si polan buli hidup sampai sekian2 lagi, or what if ada apa2 yang berlaku pada kita sedangkan kita masih mau hidup. Doiii, stop it! Then thats why la stop wondering and HIDUP LAH selagi kita hidup. Sebab itu bukan urusan kita dan sesaat pun kita cuba mau rungkaikan, di sana la pembaziran hidup mula berlaku. Sama sekali tiada formula apa macam pengakhiran kita semua. Sama ada pasal usia, pasal keadaan kesihatan itu semua tidak terpakai sama sekali. So please, just stop it.

Bulikah mulai sekarang jangan kita bazirkan hidup? Jom kita teruskan hidup sebaik2nya, sehappy2nya, dan kita hidup laa begini SAMPAI HUJUNG. Sampai Hujung. Come lets try it this year okay? 

The Biggest Lesson

 Today is the last day of 2021. Today is also the birthday of my 2 close buddies at work. Today is also the day I re-learn something that maybe I always know but ignore, and that lesson is a like a big slap in the face. Ok, hear this.

We have this jobless friend, who at times we thought was just a nuisance because she liked to bother us with her requests which I think she shouldn't; in her state of being unemployed. Sia sendiri selalu jadi mangsa permintaan dia yang sia rasa unnecessary and sometimes she needs perhatian kami juga dengan cara yg annoying. Maybe sebab dia banyak masa free, she has time to layan benda2 yang we don't have time for. Ada benda yang dia mau cakap, dia suka call2 and berkali2 call biarpun tidak diangkat and I especially sangat jarang angkat call dia cos I can guess, permintaan dia tu mesti yg remeh and buli dicakap di wasap. And dia jenis yang ada temper and benda2 yang kami nda terlayan dia tu mungkin ja bikin dia temper. So situasi tu buat kami rasa pissed juga dengan perangai dia. Tapi other than that, dia still adalah kawan yang baik dan kami ok ja sama dia until dia buat karenah. Another thing is, perkara selamba ja bagi dia untuk minta kirim barang, sedangkan we know she is unemployed, we thought that patutnya dia jangan terlampau terikut2 dengan kemahuan dia mau itu dan ini. Sebab kami risau dia akan membebankan orang keliling dia sebab dia akan suruh beli dulu dan bayar kemudian, tapi dia memang bayar. Cuma dia jenis yg tidak begitu segan utk susahkan orang dulu and fikir yang orang tu berkelapangan dan berkemampuan utk buat permintaan dia. Sangat opposite dengan concept sia yang segan mau susahkan orang macam tu. Ok u guys get the idea now?

So today. Finally God uses His way untuk membuka mata kami. One of the friends yang bday hari ni tu tanpa disangka-sangka terpaksa mengosongkan rumah yg dia tinggal selama 6 bulan atas sebab2 yang tidak boleh dielak. Kawan sia ni pun ada issue yg sama dengan that jobless friend. In fact, dia punya sentimen lagi teruk. She couldn't tolerate her as much as I could. She always tells me to not include that friend dalam out activity mansau sebab dia ada perangai yg tidak disukai and cannot mix with people. Sepa sangka? Hari ini dia almost teda tempat mau bermalam. Dengan sekelip mata. So guess what? Akhirnya jobless friend to juga yang jadi orang yg sangat2 diperlukan masa tu. 

Remember all her missed calls and unreplied whatsapp? Kali ni kawan sia mengadu whatsapp dia belum kena buka and it was almost dark and she got no where to sleep. Dia almost terpaksa pegi hotel and spend banyak duit untuk tidur ja. Luckily dat jobless friend sempat buka whatsapp and akhirnya suruh dia datang pi rumah dia ja kebetulan dia stay sorang di rumah kakak dia selama ni. So sia betul2 nda sangka, dalam banyak benda2 yang kami nampak, ada rupanyan benda yang kami nda nampak. Kuasa Tuhan telah menjadikan dia penyelamat kawan kami yang dalam kesusahan. Suddenly it doesn't matter if dia teda kerja. Dia ada ehsan untuk tolong kawan. Dia buli ja mengelak and membalas balik semua yg dia nda puas hati kan? Tapi nda. Pasal dia la kawan sia ada tempat tidur malam ni. Syukurrrr. 

Syukur juga sebab buat sia tersedar dari leka. Kadang2 kita kena rendahkan hati dan jangan terlalu menghukum kawan yang kurang bernasib baik, biarpun sometimes nda buli dielakkan, tapi jangan rendahkan taraf dia di mata kita just because dia teda kerja. Dia tetap sama di mata Tuhan and bila2 masa Tuhan boleh letakkan kita di position yg perlukan pertolongan dia. And God did just that. 

Satu lesson yang sangat besar. And again God tunjukkan kekuasaan Dia. Thank you, God. I take this lesson as a guidance to lead life as a better person.

Oh Lord. 2022 is coming real soon. Equip us with all the life lessons so far so we can do it much better this time. And help us through every obstacles. Amen amennn. 

Kau Akan Miss Semua Ini...

Source: Whisper.sh

Do you guys know, whatever that is happening in your life now, you gonna miss it one day?

Yes, read that again. You gonna miss each details of them. Read that again and digest it. 

I'm telling this to myself again to NEVER take anything for granted.

This thought bermula dengan perasan mengeluh when I spent too much time entertaining my friends at work, like my time wasted on empty talk while I should be doing works. Sia selalu mengeluh. Tapi syukur, sia tiba2 sedar balik. Kehadiran orang keliling kita tu satu privilege. Jangan cakap kau akan sentiasa ada kawan2 di keliling kau. No, you just never know. Biarkan dorang meriahkan hidup kau ketika masanya. Benda kecil2 like daily chitchatting, daily gossiping, daily backbiting, tersinggung sana dan sini, let it be, guys. Ini semua warna kehidupan. 

Remember those times you thought u wasted, just spending quiet times arguing over nothing,  munching on the cake and coffee with your sister, yes that too.  are valuable. All those small talks with ur parents, their small requests, those foods you shared, those little thoughts you spared each other, Oh Man, How valuable they are. 

Random Hai dari orang2 yang setakat lalu lalang, macik tukang kopi, pelayan kedai makan yg selalu dengar permintaan kau di tengah2 kesibukan, every smile you exchange with them, treasure that too. Not to mention every act of kindness dari siapa pun, percaya lah, semua itu berlaku sama kau bukan sebab kau hebat, tapi kau diberikan kesempatan untuk menjadi sebahagian dari hidup yang super hebat ini.

Di musim yang sangat mencabar ini, buat kita makin berpijak di realiti kehidupan. Tentang hidup yang cuma sementara. But guess what? Banyak kali kita bahagia kan? Not to mention, segala senyum dan ketawa. Kita si kerdil ni pun pernah jadi sebahagian dari cerita bahagia orang lain pada satu ketika. Punyalah best life ni kan. Macam2 perkara best yang kita lalui. For what, you ask me? Sebab benda2 tu semua telah melengahkan Misi Bahagia kita. Sometimes kita hurt orang yg kita sayang atas sebab2 yang cuma kasi menang ego. Macam la kita ada 100 tahun lagi untuk hidup kan? Bukan sudah cukup kah kita berlengah dan hidup dalam kesedihan dan kesakitan? Lepaskan lah dendam dalam hati. Kenapa mudah kita buang seorang kawan sedangkan kebencian dalam hati kita boleh tinggal dalam jiwa sampai begitu lama. 

Kalau la kita berpikir macam ni, mungkin ramai kita akan tukar cara kita sekarang juga. Mungkin kita akan lebih menghargai, kurang menghakimi. Terima kelemahan sesama manusia dan mencari ruang kemaafan. Hidupkan hal2 gembira supaya makin banyak perkara indah untuk dikongsi. Kita tetap adalah bukan manusia sempurna tapi persetankan semua ketidaksempurnaan itu. Kita raikan persamaan kita. 

Kalau sia mau cakap semua benda yang boleh sia regret, teda guna juga. Yang lepas tu tetap lepas. Sia mungkin ada reason di setiap perbuatan sia. Tapi untuk masa sekarang, sekurang2nya sia makin memahami. Setiap detik dalam kehidupan harus dihidupi dengan penuh rasa berbesar hati sebabbb... Hidup itu satu hadiah yang bukan semua ada. Banyak sudah kita dengar cerita sedih tentang dorang yg terpaksa kehilangan hadiah ini. Sedangkan kita masih memiliki hadiah ni.

Lets not sia-siakan dia, ok?

All the moments today, we gonna miss them one day...

Never take anything for granted again, ever.