My Dear Ex...

Many years have left, I have nothing but dumped memories about this guy. To recall back, I deserved all the heartbreak. Only a week ago, I thought of going back to some of the files I saved in my cd. It has many memories of him that I have made peace with. Guess what, then I remember what a great guy he was to me. I remember quoting being treated like a princess by him. Suddenly I decided he was still the best guy among them. It took me days to reminisce the happy things and maybe try to recall if I were really that stupid to let a guy like him go. Wow, really. I was drowned in good thoughts of him. What a really really awesome guy he was to compare to some of the guys after him. And guys like him was definitely near extinction. 

Then only after the few days, I remember the bad things. His bad temper. His smoking habit. His bad money management. Then I remember I had my reasons why I said I was not prepared for the next level. And those flowery thoughts of him suddenly start to fade now. Fade and tasteless. But I'm glad I had the few days of awesome thoughts of him cos it doesn't last that long. I'm glad that I have that tribute for him. For once I thought the feeling gonna stay, but hell no. It's disappearing like the morning fog.

I even dreamt of him last nite. I dreamt that he and I are in touch once again. We are in each other's desk, and we type something in our pc like we are writing for each other. I said to myself, oh, now I'm a grown up woman, there's no harm in this friendship. Then I woke up shaking my head. It was after the dream that I felt that I had enough for this guy's memories. I'm sure I'm still a painful memory to him too. I'm not sure if he has forgiven me but I hope he has. Oh, I remember one dream I had when I was still in a relationship with him. That he came to my house wearing his tuxedo. He came to pick me up. I was also in my white wedding dress. But surprisingly, I felt so bitter about going with him. I Refused. He left in anger, and I had no single regrets. But that time, I always knew I was never prepared for that commitment with him. The dream didn't surprise me but I still thought the outcome of reality could be better. But sadly, nope. 

My point is, revisiting memories is not bad at all. But they gonna last really short so just take what's good while you are at it. My dear ex, thanks for "visiting". May God bless you always.

If We Live Longer...

I remember this friend. Many years ago, back in Uni, we were next-door neighbours, But our rooms were only separated by a wall. So I could know if she was in her room or not. And that time, she was dating this one guy who kept her time occupied. We were not really in good terms back then because of our different social values, different lifestyle, so she wasn't my favourite friend, but strange enough, there were times when I felt so lonely when I knew she wasn't in her room. I could see from my window if her room was dark, I knew she must be somewhere with the guy. I dislike the idea that her room was empty.  I remember the feeling. Though I was not consumed by that loneliness, but still there was a little sadness. But isn't life like that? Eventually we would all be separated to lead our own lives, and speaking of a friend who I don't like, it must not be hard to never see her again after we graduated. That's what in our simple thought, but not exactly.

As I examine my life now, after so many years leaving Uni days, today, that friend is still around. In fact she is the one who needs my attention that sometimes I ignore her because I am too busy with my other work. Then she has no choice but to come to me because I am the only one who could do it for her. Of course, at the present, things are going well in our lives respectively, but it does go a long way how we are still being around each other, needing each other despite our differences. When she looked like she is the one who needs my presence, I could not help but smile, and thought if she had any idea she did make me feel lonely when she was not in her room when we were neighbours back in Uni days. And it is as if she reacts to me that "I am here and you will see my face often, now you can't say you are lonely anymore". Hahahaa. Funny silly, but that's life. I'm still glad we all live this far to experience all this.

If we live longer enough, we will get to see more hatred turns into love. Revenge into forgiveness. Rejection into acceptance. Heartache and failure are the biggest contributors to our wisdom, and our stupid decisions are what making us experienced. For now, it's pointless to think when will our journey end, because one day we could reach 70 and realize we waste so much time thinking we may not make it to 50. It's not our Job. Our job is TO LIVE WELL while we still alive. Lets do that :)