"If you are the thorn, you could hurt someone."
"But the thorn is to protect you."
"Yes, but you could mistakenly hurt an innocent finger. But nevermind, I would still let you be the thorn for a day and make sure you don't cause any finger to bleed."
Since I first came to IRC back in Aug 2008, I have been holding very strong on my online identity, Twofivesix[256]. Even it was just a nick popped out in a second . It was totally unplanned. Some people thought my online identity was a PLOT that I have done so perfectly well so that I could stay anonymous for a long time. NOPE. When I first logged in to IRC, I didn't even plan to stay. I was just looking around for the new ops and chatters. One thing led to another, here I am, still around after almost 2 years.
Since that day, I have some strong policies about my online encounters. I started off by separating online and offline worlds. That’s why it’s so hard to dig my details. It was really hard to make friends with me, said one of the guys. This isn't just about trying to play hard to get, or to build an invincible identity – which are among the things they used to accuse me doing at one time or another. I've told you, my guts brought me here. When I came out with this blog a few months later, I just got this address free to pick so I registered it. It was then seen as "a branding strategy" to me. Again, nope. It's just lucky that I can match my nick with my blog address. What most of you don't know is that even how tough the shell I'm building around my identity, a bunch of friends actually managed to penetrate that shell and get a step closer to me. I was bending my own rules and be a bit lenient when I finally gave my primary phone number to the first IRC friend and the mms-ed my picture. And then another and another guyfriend got access to me and I gave this "special treatment" to the few who got through. Whoever got to talk on the phone with me, actually has my picture(s), and I gave them the way to go out my blog. I made a few tribute pages for these friends – And now you know why :)
One thing that really stunned me with these bunch of guys, I could say that they all managed to keep it from others about their encounters with me. In the chatroom, we looked like we were so anonymous to each other and just sharing laughters and jokes, and some of them even lied to others about my gender to confuse the other chatters. And then, they learn how to respect my ways and STOPPED questioning. They accepted me and decided to go along with my rules. And guess what. It finally came to a point where they tend to treat the invincibility of my online identity more seriously than I do myself!!
I still remember when I first came, everyone spoke of Friendster and then after a year later, Facebook takes the toll. I stayed anonymous despite having those online socializing sites around. I did not take part. When I told one of them about my intention to join, some of them became a bit concerned. "Just stay with your blog. You won't have time to log in to Fs if you have one." I thought that it was just a way to talk me down. So I obeyed. And after a few times trying to avoid this possibility of joining the social sites, one of them even offered his passwords to all his social sites so that I didn't have to open my own. "You don't need to register. Just use mine." It was so sweet. And then when I finally decided to have my own Facebook account, another one of them said to me, "Maybe it’s okay to open an account, but remember never put your picture there." I also obeyed. They have a point. They just implement my own rules for myself. Seems like these friends care enough so that I stay anonymous. They tend to feel concerned when I start to open up about myself for others. Like they care enough to tell me… “It’s not safe to put picture in Fb.” When I asked, “Why not safe? Everyone puts picture there.” They are different. They reveal themselves from IRC. “Okay, then what’s the difference?” “256, they will know who you are if you put your picture there! If you want to put, you can show your ear, your shoulder, your hair, but never the whole thing. “ I smiled because I understand that these guys have perfectly understood my way and they thought it was almost a sin if I break my own rules. I mean, I was thinking of being a little bit more open with my online identity but they remind me that they prefer it that I am being this way.
It’s just so happened that I actually refer so much from them before I want to do something that has anything to do with my online identity cos they are like my confidantes here. Maybe they prefer that I treat some people special and feel awkward if everyone gets the same treatment. I am not sure. All I know from my side, Yes, I have done my best to make you guys feel special when you guys get a stop closer to me. And I really appreciate it because so far, this bunch of guys totally respect me and they have stopped pressuring me for being so difficult to get close to. And the most touching thing is when sometimes I think I’m treated as something fragile that THEY NEED TO PROTECT ME. Partly because I think they have grown to understand that it’s just part of the policy that I’m doing all this and they understand I am comfortable this way. Surprisingly, sometimes it’s them who remind me to be careful of my steps so that I don’t regret anything.
I still remember when they told me they were not comfortable if I make friends with certain people that they dislike. They also give me advice when I need, and comfort me when I need someone to talk to. They are also the friends who would stay up late just to accompany me do my work so I could stay awake. We shared banters, jokes and even did fun things together. They told me they feel lucky for everything that we have shared. Sometimes I asked them, Do you think you will still be happy that we are friend, if I were not [256]? I still remember that Ken said, “Yes, but maybe not this much.”
If Online world is a separate world, you guys are my best company. Thanks for “protecting me”. Thanks for appreciating me and accepting my ways. If I were the Rose, thanks for being the Thorns and make me feel guarded and secured.
Thanks for being My Thorns. :)
NOTE: Yes, also thanks for being concerned where I would put the tattoo. *giggles. Trust me, the tattoo or the hair colour won’t make me bad :) I am who I am and most of you know who I am already. Muahssss…
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