I Tried Not To Cry

I bet she's the person my dad loves above everyone else in his life. I remember when I was small, I was the daddy's girl. I followed my dad wherever he goes. Even when I was so young, she was always my dad's priority. I remember my dad took me to kampung frequent enough. It was always me whose hand my dad held as she saw us walking towards the house. The little girl who knew nothing much about life, and yet she could innocently follow her dad without complaining. Maybe that's the reason why I was ONCE her favourite grandchild. I remember, during my time of being "the favourite grandchild", I mingled a lot with my first cousins who live not far from her. Yes, she's my beloved Moing; my dad's mom. It was from the season of being her favourite grandchild that I almost drown in the river because of one of my cousins. I have loadsa memories with those 2 cousins in my season of being my Moing's favourite grandchild. The elder sister was my goodfriend, and the other one was my enemy (and I decided so even before she almost made me drown) and don't forget, I had my revenge by pushing her off the ladders. Yeah, those were the old days when we were too young to even spell our name properly.

Today, I found myself sitting at the church. In the same row were again, the 2 cousins who were very close to me during my childhood. Years ago, I could not imagine in what situation that I could just sit beside them that close again after many years of minding our own business. Finally, the good sister was sitting exactly beside me, and the "bad" sister was just one person away from me. We were finally sitting together again. And where was my Moing? She was inside the casket, lifeless. Why could it be so bitter to be sitting together once again with my close cousins during the funeral of our beloved Moing?

2 days ago, I received a call from my mom. I could not guess what time it was. It was still quite dark. My mom said, "She's left." Then I went, "Ohh…When?" Then my mom answered, "About 4 AM". Then I looked at the clock at the top of my monitor, it was Almost 4 o'clock. Then I went, "Oh, you mean, just NOW?" Then I was shocked that my mom told me it was already 6.30 AM. Then I went, "What?" Nevermind about the clock. The battery could be dead. But…I paused and left my mind blank – Did I just lose my Moing?

I could not describe any emotion. The fact that her demise was not that shocking because she had put her children in "alert" mode for many years she had been sick. The day before that, my dad received a text message from my aunt about my Moing's critical condition. We are talking about my dad here, people. Do you remember when I tell you that my Moing is the person he loves above everyone else? Yes, we all should love our mother above everyone else, but not all could do that. But my dad could. He never failed to show his love for her even through my little girl's eyes.

I'm now a grown-up. My dad is even more a matured man. Everyone else is in the right maturity to see that Death is something that each of us must go through. Looking at my Moing during her final years, she was already very old. She didn't suffer from any chronic disease. She only had problems with her bones and fractures because she worked so hard for her kids since she was young. I tell you that my Moing was one very hardworking lady. It was very rare to see her sitting there doing nothing. She wasn't like some ladies who gossip and groom all they want. I just realized that I never have memories about my Moing being the typical lady. Unlike my other grandma (my Mom's mom; who left us last year) who had many fun and cute things to remember especially her laughter when she saw us dancing Poco-poco. But none of that fun memories involving my Moing. She must have worked all her life for her kids. Life was tough for them and no one knows better than my dad for being the first kid. So I will not sulk if my dad loves my Moing more than he loves me. I still remember when my Moing came to visit our house, I was looking for my little pillow pet and I found out my dad gave it to my Moing to use because he said the pillow was soft. I pouted and sulked because I was the kid and I should be given the advantage to have my OWN pillow. Who would have guessed that "the pillow moment" ensures me even more that my dad loves his mom so much. I remember that my dad silently took the pillow away and replaced it with another pillow without telling my Moing, afraid that she would think differently. My dad could not help but took the pillow because I was pulling a long face.

3 years ago, I was asked to bake my Moing's 80th birthday cake, and I did. I was mumbling at first because I thought that everyone wanted to save money from buying a big cake so they asked me to do it. Everyone thought it was too petty to spend big money on. Whatever it was, I was grateful that they gave me the chance to do something. Because without the cake, I might have done NOTHING for my Moing after leaving "the favourite grandchild season" for so many years. I forgot to tell you guys that when I left home to pursue my studies, I have become an estranged grandchild whose face she never saw for many years. I knew that my Moing must have reserved the spot "favourite grandchild" for me for many years but I never showed up. I understand if she has to replace it with any of the grandchildren who are around all the time. I knew my Moing was upset with "that little girl" who always pulled long face for the smallest reason. She was upset that she thought I have forgotten her. I could not give excuses for my deeds, but I was never proud of it. Although I knew that my dad loves her so much, he would do anything he could to take care of her. I thought that I was just a little hand that could do nothing much. Last year, I remember visiting her at the hospital bed. My auntie asked her, "Do you still remember her? *Pointing at me" And my Moing nodded. My auntie said, "Oh, dia masih ingat kau."

Earlier today was her funeral. I had not cried since the day I learnt about her demise. I went to see her lifeless body lying on the mattress, I almost couldn't recognize her. She looked so old. I tell myself that "It's timely for her to go. DON'T CRY." So I did not cry. Though I was worried that I break down in tears and embarrassed myself, I was even more worried with my dad. "Dad, YOU MUST BE STRONG for me. You're a big guy already so PLEASE DON'T CRY in front of me." I saw my dad was half-drunk. I know that it was the only way that he could pretend to be stronger. I needed his strength…cos I'm afraid I don't have it. Counting the hours to the day of funeral, I was collecting strength to NOT CRY during the final respect. No, I won't break down in tears again like I did during my other grandma's funeral last year.

Her death really portrays the process of a human lifespan who is not interfered by diseases of accidents. She was given healthy organs all her life. She survived her days until the last. She never gave up. I remember when her children were given false alarm when they thought she won't make it but it wasn't until a few more years before she finally laid to rest. I learnt something that we all wish for a long life. It's something that my Moing was blessed. But "long" doesn't mean forever. When you're old enough, your organs start to deteriorate naturally and there will come a time when they won't support you enough to breathe another breath. That's what happened to my Moing. She showed it to us that you can be healthy and all, but Death is still the end of your human life. She left us, leaving a wisdom behind. We shouldn't go AGAINST this flow of life. God has decided that there will be the end for every beginning and we must learn to take this in a positive way. She's in better hands, I know. Why should I grieve when my Moing is NOW whole again beside God. Why should I grieve that she has done her time on earth and it's time to meet the Creator. Why should I grieve that she is happier now that she has completed her cycle? I imagine that her soul was standing there smiling, with the holiest look, looking at us. She's happier, I know.

These thoughts gave me strength. As I walked going around her casket, I did not cry. Was I that strong? But I heard crying from my aunties and I even heard crying voice of my dad. I did not dare to look. I just bowed my head down and held back my emotion as much as I could. Yes, although they are wiser than me to know that Death is just the next thing for my Moing, but it doesn't mean that we can just go through with the funeral ceremony without crying. So I finally let myself cry some tears but I challenged myself that if I am really wiser than before, I must know how to get hold of my own emotions. Some tears and that's all.

Moing…I still remember what you said during the celebration of my good achievement in studies when I was 13. You said that "Mudah-mudahan kau macam naik tu tangga yang kau mula dari bawa dan pelan2 kau naik sampai kau di atas." That time I was surprised that she said that. I was already at the peak of my success, I thought. I could not go down. But SHE WAS RIGHT. I fell right at the bottom and before I know, I'm doing it…trying to climb the ladder again. I told myself, "Moing, why did you say something about climbing the ladder? It could be why I fell this hard and knock myself down. It was damn painful to start all over again." But though I have not reached there yet, but I cannot imagine how grateful I am to find myself climbing the ladder. And if I reach somewhere one day, Promise me Moing that you will be happy.

May Her Soul Rest In Peace.

Note: I don't know why I think that my clock that stopped at 3.59 is more than a coincidence.

Maybe It's Just Destiny...

You guys percaya sama takdir and ketentuan? It means perkara2 yang sudah ditentukan sejak azali. Something yang kita tidak mampu ubah even macamana pun kita wish kita boleh ubah.

It can be tough to understand. Sometimes you’re using your ultimate wisdom to see and calculate that yes, this sure gonna work. Science must work. Reasoning must work. If everything is in place, IT SHOULD WORK! Isn’t that how it works around here? If we have enough reasons for something to happen, plus with the right circumstances, it Must happen right then and there.

Tapi bolehkah kalau sia cakap, semua reasoning dianggap void kalau something memang sudah ditakdirkan? Ada benda2 yang memang kita tidak dapat ubah. Dan sekiranya something like that bump into our lives, dan it’s put in a position that it’s going to hurt us very badly, at least you know that this is what they call Ketentuan. This something is nothing new. This isn’t passed by the aliens from Mars the last nite when they landed secretly in your backyard. This is here even before we were born. So this is not just happen to teach you a lesson that You’ve been bad, this is your punishment. Nope. I believe that if you call that takdir, it doesn’t matter if you have committed your whole life for other people’s welfare, cos if it’s written in your destiny that this gonna happen, it will happen.

I remember when my boyfriend (now my ex) was so nice to me. He was so kind and loyal. His every day was dedicated to me. Like every morning when he woke up, he must talk to me first and before he went to bed, he must also talked to me and then only he considered his day complete. I became The Purpose in his everyday’s life. Everything he did, he always included me. If he talked to his workmates, he talked about me. When he saw a customer coming that has pretty much my resemblance, he thought of me. It was such a devotion. From this devotion alone, you know this guy did his level best to dedicate his life, his heart – for the only girl that he loved. From how he loved his girlfriend, he deserved to get the best respect any girl could ever give to a man. It was almost not found in this age of infidelity. So…does it take a genius to say, that this man deserves many good things in his life – but if life wasn’t generous enough, then at least, this man deserved to get the same affection from his girlfriend, agree?

I, as his girlfriend that time…what was I doing? Knowing that I have a boyfriend like that, don’t you think it’s like an answered prayer? I bet any girl would want to be in my place. He might not be so rich, but he was very good looking, he was very gentle and he was the kind of man who would stop and greet you, or help you with your stuff even if he didn’t know you. In other words, you don’t have to be his girlfriend to know that he’s very courteous and warm. But, it might be too much if we say that he deserved a place in heaven, but can I say that nobody would deny if he at least deserved to be Loved by me, just as much? He has been proving his worth. Not only to me, but to the people around him. So, using all our calculation, humanity virtues and theories of “what you give, you get back” – don’t you think AT LEAST he deserved to be loved that much too by his girlfriend? Yeah, it was like that.

Look at me that time. I wasn’t a bad girl at all. I could say that I was born to be loyal to my man. I never gave myself the option to have wandering eyes. For me, once I gave my word, I will keep it. That’s what I thought. I thought my parents thought me enough how to tell good from bad. And even if I failed as a learner, at least I was not stupid enough to not know that a guy like him was hard to find. Given the circumstances that I wasn’t demanded an extra sweat to love him – I should be in the right position to love him back. I give you guys enough reasoning how and why things should be as what we both planned. To be in love and fight our ways to prove that we were each other’s soulmate.

Yup people. Who would have guessed, even that was NOT good enough to Rewrite the destiny. Nothing is ever good enough to create a new version of destiny that we request. Because as most of us have accepted, Destiny is written before our lives even begin to unfold. So you can kill someone, or you can even kill yourself – to protest why Destiny is written in such a way that hurt you, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Because it’s written in destiny that he and I were not meant to be, suddenly life was giving me the excuse to stray from our mission. Suddenly life had pushed me to another direction so that I could start living that destiny. You thought I was insane to know that I shouldn’t betray my boyfriend? You thought I was heartless? No I wasn’t. But like I always tell you, life has a way to tell us when things are not meant to be.

Before I knew, I was in love with a new guy without the knowledge of the loving boyfriend. You thought I was a bad person? No I wasn’t. You thought I was purposely trying to fall in love with a new guy that has all the better qualities? You are wrong. My good judgment told me that this new guy wasn’t anything near my boyfriend. I could still name in many ways why my boyfriend was better than the new guy, but since this is Destiny, I could strangle or hang myself to near death, but still, you could not make me love my boyfriend back – even after you present to me all the reasoning you can list using your science theory.

My heart was crushed because THIS WASN’T HOW it should be. I knew it too. Something really screwed up because my good judgment told me I should be with my boyfriend, but WHY was I there, experiencing a totally greater experience being in love with a new guy without the knowledge of my boyfriend? So you know, I don’t care what logic you are using, but what I know my body and mind was in the opposite direction of what that logic could be.

So I recalled one nite, when both elements were claiming right over my body, I thought I almost exploded because I could not understand my action. “Why should I be in this situation? I could have been peacefully in love with my boyfriend.” And then I cried so so hard trying to express “My Frustration” because I knew it was not right, but it was still what I thought was the best for me to do. I thought that if I used only my humanly good judgment, I wouldn’t be there. But then I realized. I could only try so hard to do what’s best, but we don’t live totally on our good judgment alone. Sometimes the forces of nature do take part in this and our humanly weaknesses are sometimes just an excuse for some unexplained decision that we take. Destiny is that powerful.

I write all this, just to let you guys realize that when you fought so hard for something that you thought you deserve, and still you were not good enough to get it, this could be the act of Destiny. It’s not because you’re not good enough, it’s not because you have been bad before and karma is getting back at you, and it’s not because of all that…

Please don’t lose your battle if this happens to you. To be fair, something much greater is about to take place in your life, so something less good has to go. Just put it that way. I saw it happened to someone before, so I know if it could be a little too painful, but you’ll be thankful that it happened. Before you know, Destiny is written in way that God knows what’s best for you.

Or at least, that’s what I tell myself. Cos I can choose to grieve, I can choose to blame, I can choose to curse – but what for? Then I just find the magical purpose behind that Destiny. You guys should too.

Be Strong. And Trust in a greater power up there – He knows what He’s doing. :)

“Ridiculous Years Spent With You…”

Do you believe that the longer the relationship is, the better?

We heard all the ridiculous years people spent being in relationship and in many cases, the partner in crime in that long relationship isn’t the one they walk the aisle with. I think it’s the right question to ask if all the years actually matter to a relationship that works? I mean, 1 year? That’s not long enough baby. You need more than that. 2 years? Aha, that sounds better. But try more. 5 years? Yup…that sounds like you guys are now totally connected to each other. Freaking kidding me. You’ve worked your bump off in the freaking 5 years, to make a relationship work, just to see it all come crushing down. How come? So cut the crap. Sorry to say, maybe you should slow down on the math. Maybe numbers don’t work around here people. What do you say?

People who have walked into a relationship with a big smile and walked out with tears, after spending so many years growing love and affection, understand what I’m talking about. Suddenly the numbers become irrelevant. To hell with 5 years! We are not here to race who can sustain to be in a relationship the longest – cos at the end of the day, if something goes wrong, the years are exactly how long you’ve been stupid. Erkss!!

Maybe there’s a reason why even the church suggests that the period of engagement should be around 1 year and then the couple should get married. From what I read, it’s to ensure that the love doesn’t fade away and logically, both are still so fired up with each other. Anyway, I find the way to agree that the first year of a relationship is actually the most beautiful. If you keep it longer, it will still sweet but not as much. So imagine if you reach to the 4th year, some part of the relationship might already be missing. What??? “After all the ridiculous years spent with you, all I got is a handicapped relationship??” *Lols.

So don’t buy the numbers, people. Do you believe when I say that a 6-month relationship could be more meaningful than a 6-year relationship? If both of you know what you want, and know how to cherish and spend every moment, you can reach the magic of feeling closely connected with each other even if 6 months are considered still early. Nothing is still too early if you know how to do it right, hit it right. If you are in a 6 years relationship, but 3 years spent being away, 2 years spent arguing, and 1 year spent cheating on each other – that’s how ridiculous it can be. All the large numbers don’t represent the time really spent with each other.

Do you hear cases where people spent in a relationship for even 11 years and when they finally got married, they divorced in less than 1 year. Omigawddd!!! Where all the numbers gone, people? So because I learnt from all this, I believe in Quality and not Quantity. I don’t believe that I need time to love and let my partner love me by giving each other years to really find “that kind of connection”. My style of doing it is getting more casual and simpler now. If you can’t connect with me in 1 month, you are off the hook. Real chemistry doesn’t take long to happen. We can’t force chemistry to happen. So if we find this kind of rare chemistry, we should cherish it. You don’t find it all the time, my friends. I tell you, I do my little study case all the time. My new encounter with people and why I treat them more special than the rest – I want to know the reason behind that. I believe that FATE put us in certain position, and others who come along the way might not fit in well. But when we find one who is also put in the position to match correctly with ours, this is when the magic happens. You find out that connection happens so fast. Not just because you guys purposely try to see if things can work from there, but everything about you just accommodate the other person’s needs, without even trying. Yeah, without even trying. You and your life, are just in right position to fit well with the other person. Now when this happens, something good will usually follow.

So people who have learnt the hard way about “years in the relationship is just a number”, don’t usually wait when they already find someone who they can fit it well. They don’t wait until the years do something bad to them. This could be the reason why you hear people who just got hooked up, got married months later and still be happy. Cos they know, to find one person who can accommodate you effortlessly, ISN’T easy. But there’s a wisdom one should wear in order to make this magic works. It must be done with the intention of finding the most ideal one – believing that although magic sparks do happen, both have the responsibility to sustain this magic.

Usually, fast love that fails always blame it on the word “fast”. Because they do it fast, it also leaves fast. That is because some people don’t have rules. You must have rules when you do anything. If it’s entirely on lust and physical, yeah, you can expect it to ruin as fast as it builds. Get the concept right before you proceed. If not, I tell you, it’s not the word “Fast” that you should blame, it’s YOU that you should blame. Because if you don’t get the concept right, you can spend all the ridiculous years with each other and still get the same result. Just that, this time you allow yourself to be stupid longer.

And one more thing. I still believe that we do find people that we like, we admire and we want to be with, but most of the time, they are not made for us. So all the years is like practically “forcing” the fate to make these people fit in to be with us. So can we force the fate? Maybe if we have this wisdom, we won’t have to feel stupid anymore. We won’t have to force the fate. Learn it on first hand if this should be given a go, or not. If not, move on. I surely don’t want to wait years just to accept that he’s not the one for me. Whoaa…that’s so tiring. No thanks. *Sighs.

So maybe you should listen to your heart, once in a while. But first, it must go along with wisdom. Anything without wisdom will cause stupid failure. So when I hear that people broke up from a long relationship, I learn it each time that this isn’t about how long, but how good. So if you find your match, go for it. You don’t need ridiculous years to give you security that he/she’s the right one for you. Just follow where that spark is taking you. It could take you to the love paradise of your dream in no time. I don’t know. You find out. *giggles.

"Kisah Kek Tiramisu"

Ternampak satu kontainer eskrim di esbok, tertulis perisa tiramisu, suddenly teringat this story. Kisah cinta2 zaman dulu kala milik seorang yang dikenali. Sepa sangka gara2 terjumpa ternampak perkataan Tiramisu tu saja pun, boleh terpanggil balik cerita dulu2. Memang unik betul kejadian Tuhan ni kan?

Ini cerita pasal satu couple. Kisah dorang ni sometimes cute, sometimes bikin meradang, sometimes bikin ketawa, dan sometimes mengharukan juga. Macam2 rintangan yang dorang kena tempuhi dari awal lagi. I could tell yang they fought so hard to make that relationship work. Nda disangka pula Tiramisu ni masuk dalam cerita dorang. Cakap pasal kek, mesti berkaitan dengan birthday ni kan? Ya, memang pun.

Perempuan tu cakap…birthday tahun tu adalah birthday yang ke-3 sejak dorang couple. Boyfriend dia ni jenis yang sangat2 loving dan romantic tahap gaban. Memang boyf dia ni one of a kind yang sangat sayang dengan girlf dia and memang seorang yang sangat giving. One of the tradition yg boyf dia set setiap tahun adalah dia MUST call girlfriend dia tepat jam 12 midnite, to be the first person yg ucap dia Happy Birthday. Whether it’s Valentine’s or Anniversary, memang boyf dia akan buat macam tu.

Speaking of the relationship…dorang ni pun menghadapi cabaran juga bila tempoh hubungan tu semakin meningkat. Biasalah kalau timbul persoalan sama ada perasaan tu masih sama or not. Dalam hubungan ni, biasalah lelaki akan full blast dulu and then slowing down semakin lama usia hubungan tu. Perempuan pula sebaliknya. Semakin lama semakin sayang. But dalam kes hubungan dorang tu, perempuan tu sudah biasa dimanja dengan macam2 acts of love dari boyf dia. Walaupun dorang kena berjauhan, but boyf dia ni betul2 committed dengan his girlf biarpun dia habis banyak duit untuk sentiasa make her felt loved and cared.

But biasalah kalau langit tidak selalu cerah. That girl pun paham juga dengan situasi boyf dia. She paham yang style boyf dia tu hanya akan menyusahkan diri sendiri sebab dia suka tunjukkan kasih sayang dengan guna wang ringgit, sedangkan secara realisticnya dia kena save up for future. So untuk tu, girlf dia ni selalu cakap dengan boyf dia yang dorang jangan bagi2 hadiah lagi. Enough dengan wish ja or just a nice card. So the 3rd year, dorang mulakan dengan tradisi tidak tukar hadiah. But girlf dia pastikan yang dorang masih rasa disayangi biarpun tanpa hadiah.

But girlf dia ni sentiasa concerned perubahan yang dialami oleh boyf dia tu. Dia mula nampak layanan yang tidak sama, tapi boyf dia tetap buat benda2 yang sama like calling her everyday. So girlf dia ni mau jadikan birthday dia tahun tu sebagai PENUNJUK or indicator sama ada boyf dia ni sudah berubah atau tidak. Dia tidak expect banyak pun. Asalkan boyf dia masih amalkan tradisi call masa midnite tu. So the girl cakap dia betul2 berdebar tunggu hari tu. Dia jadikan hari tu sebagai titik penentuan sama ada boyf dia masih sayang dia macam dulu atau tidak.

The day came…so the girl langsung tidak ingatkan the boyf tentang birthday dia tu. Dia mau tengok sama ada boyf dia ingat ka inda. So akhirnya malam tu, tepat jam 11 malam, boyfriend dia tu SMS dia. Dia finally wish Happy Birthday untuk girlf dia tu. Boyf dia cakap dia wish awal2 takut tertidur, nanti terlepas pula. Hepi bukan main lagi that girl. Dia confirm yang boyf dia ingat bday dia. But dia nda puas hati selagi nda sampai jam 12 midnite. And then, mana pernah setakat main SMS wish. Biasanya he akan call. So the girl assumed yang jam 11 tu bukan final. So dia tidak jawab SMS tu. Dia tunggu juga jam 12 tengah malam. Akhirnya jam 12 tengah malam tiba… dan berakhir begitu saja. No phonecall yang dinanti-nantikan itu.

That girl betul2 kecil hati. Sangat2 kecil hati. Dia tidur dengan hati yang merajuk. “He doesn’t love me the same anymore”, itu yg dia pikir. So esoknya, boyf dia call awal2 pagi. The girl tidak angkat. Hati dia betul2 merajuk. Dan yang lebih teruk, the girl actually menangis tengok that phone rang and saw nama boyf dia di screen. Dia mau angkat tapi dia betul2 kecil hati. Dia tidak dapat angkat the phone sebab she knew she wasn’t a good actress untuk hide perasaan dia yang terguris.

The whole day, the boyf asyik ring saja the phone and the girl langsung tidak angkat. The whole day untuk hari tu, iaitu hari jadi dia…dia langsung tidak bercakap dengan boyf dia tu. Sampai begitu sekali dia merajuk. Bukannya pasal tiada hadiah. Bukannya pasal apa2 pun. Dia cuma merajuk kerana panggilan 12 midnite yang dia tidak terima dari boyfriend dia untuk bday dia tu. Actually HANYA kerana itu!

So the second day after the bday, the boyf call2 lagi balik2 sampai the whole day. The girl langsung tidak angkat. Luka dia masih parah. Then berkali-kali la juga dia sms. “Why? Have I done anything wrong to you, dear?” But the girl jawab sekali ja, “It’s not about you, it’s about me. Don’t worry.” The boyf tidak puas hati. Dia call juga balik2. Maybe dia heran why girlf dia jadi mcm tu. Lagipun dorang sudah cakap yang tidak payah tukar hadiah untuk bday tahun tu. Memang dia sangat confuse masa tu.

Akhirnya, pada hari ke-3, esoknya ada delivery sampai di depan. It was satu kotak kek. The cake was bought from Hyatt sebab judging from the printing of the box. The girl terkejut separuh gila tengok kek tu. Pada tahun2 sebelumnya, memang boyf dia tu tidak lepas belikan kek untuk bday dia. So sepa sangka, biarpun dia tidak menharap or menjangkakan sebarang hadiah tahun tu, akhirnya ada juga kek yg datang.

Dia open the box, and saw a big lovely cake. Dia tau kek tu mesti mahal sebab design dia lain dari yg lain. The girl terus nangis dengan begitu hardnya sebab perasaan yang bercampur-campur dalam hati dan pikirannya. Dia nangis sebab sedih sebab dia merajuk dan kecil hati dengan boyf dia sedangkan boyf dia langsung tidak tau kenapa. Dan dia tidak dapat overcome perasaan tu biarpun puncanya adalah hanya kerana boyf dia wish dia guna SMS, 1 jam lebih awal dari yang dia expect. Dia potong kek tu dan dia makan main telan2 saja tanpa peduli kek tu sedap ka tidak. Perisa kek tu “weird” untuk dia sebab tu bukan kek yg dia biasa makan. And this time, dia paksa diri makan the cake, biarpun dia rasa kek tu tidak sedap. Yang dia tau, boyf dia susah2 beli kek tu untuk dihantar pada dia, sedangkan boyf dia berada beribu batu jauhnya. Imagine kesusahan yg dilalui oleh boyf dia hanya untuk make sure a cake akan dihantar ke tempat girlf dia tu secepat mungkin. Ternyata boyf dia pikir dia merajuk sebab tiada hadiah untuk bday dia tahun tu, so kek itu adalah untuk memujuk dia dan buat dia smile again. Sayu juga hati that girl bila pikir yang boyf dia anggap mcm tu. Sedangkan dia tidak pedulikan hal2 material. Dia cuma mau attention yg dia pernah dapat dari boyf dia tu.

Masa dia telan kek Tiramisu tu, dia tidak tau how to describe feeling dia. Dia dapat rasa boyf dia masih sayang dengan dia, tapi dia tidak deny yang boyf dia tidak layan dia sebaik dulu, sebab perkara PALING SIMPLE pun dia tidak larat mau buat, iaitu stay up sampai jam 12 malam untuk call and wish dia, seperti tahun2 sebelumnya. Dia tau feeling yang dia alami tu actually sangat silly. But that feeling of “not loved as much” yang betul2 dia tidak dapat overcome semudah tu. Biarpun boyf dia cuba deny dengan bagi dia kek tiramisu tu, dia tidak dapat sembunyikan kebenaran bahawa “it’s never the same” like before.

So kek Tiramisu tu la menjadi saksi kepada pergolakan perasaan seorang perempuan yang masih bercongak sama ada boyf dia tu masih sayang dia seperti dulu atau tidak. Dia cuma kasi tinggal a small slice untuk bagi dengan orang lain, yg selebihnya dia main telan ja sampailah kek tu akhirnya habis dalam masa beberapa hari selepas tu. Dia mau pretend yg the kek akan change something, but deep inside she knew, it didn’t. Dia kasi puas hati dia dengan makan sebanyak mungkin untuk show her appreciation to the boyfriend, and show to him yang she loved him so so much hinggakan dia susah mau accept kelukaan yg biarpun sekecil mana.

Lepas seminggu, barulah that girl ready sambut call boyf dia tu. "Did you like the cake?" The girl said, "Okay2 juga la. Strange oh rasa dia." "It's a Tiramisu my dear." She answered, "Oh okay. Nevermind. Biarpun the taste strange, I eat juga sampai habis." Lebih kurang macam tu la perbualan dorang. Masing2 simpan soalan yang tidak terjawab. The guy never brought up the question why the girl tidak angkat the phone for 1 week. The girl never explained. They just carried on sebaik yg mungkin, biarpun perkara tu sebenarnya mengubah banyak perkara.

Kek tiramisu itu adalah simboliknya adalah satu “perjuangan” cinta yang masih ingin diteruskan oleh pasangan ni, biarpun elemen2 luar yang dicipta oleh macam2 dugaan masa dan jarak yang menyebabkan kedua-dua dorang ni mencari2 sama ada hubungan dorang tu masih sama, atau pun bertambah kuat, ataupun sebaliknya. Ini yg mungkin dilalui oleh ramai pasangan bercinta di luar sana.

We try to hide the defects of our relationship by giving something meaningful to the person we love, thinking that we can use it to deny that things are not exactly the same again. One thing that we all should know is that… materials are something that we can see and buy using money, but the real thing happens here (/me points at where the heart is) so when love fades or gone, it’s not by a freaking diamond can change the fact, let alone a Tiramisu cake. But at least they tried and fought for it :)] After all said and done, Finally the couple separated anyway. With tears and bleeding heart. But then the Tiramisu cake will always remain in good memory to mark the very last attempt for them to save their relationship from running its course. To fight and lose is only the second best after fighting and win. :)

Which One Is Less Hurting?

I recalled one day when my bestfriend called me up. She wanted to ask for my opinion.

She said,

“A friend called me up and asked me, how do I cope with the lost of my dad. Is it still hurting after a year?”… “What I want to ask you is, which one is better, when your loved one fall sick for a long time, you get to visit him on the hospital bed and you are on his side until his last breath, Or when your loved one doesn’t show the sign of any serious sickness until the last minute that he just collapse and admitted to the hospital and gone before he says his last words?"

I went,

“Emmm…Actually the word “better” is not suitable. Nothing is ever “better” in the case involving losing our loved ones. “Less hurting” is more suitable.”

She continued,

“You know, I tried to compare my situation with that friend of mine, because recently her mom just collapse and went coma until her last breath. Before that she was totally healthy. She didn’t get to say final words because she never woke up from the sudden coma. Unlike my dad, we knew he was sick for a long time. He even got to speak about how he wanted his funeral to be done. – If I tried to compare, What For? In the end, it’s still the same. It’s the same kind of Unbearable Pain of losing. It doesn’t matter how it happens. That’s what I think.”

Then I responded,

“Okay, you’re right. But if you ask me, which one is less hurting. Of course your case is less hurting because you guys have enough time to Be Prepared for it, emotionally, spiritually and physically. You can do anything you want to do to cherish the last moments you have. Unlike the other case, there could be much regret because IF ONLY they knew they were gonna lose someone so dear, they could have done things differently. They would appreciate the times together much better than they did. You’re right, the dead will be gone, but it’s about US who are still alive, how to cope with the loss. I think that HOW you lose them helps how we cope with the loss.”

You guys get the idea?

Then I want to bring up the year 2012 which has been said to be the end of the world. Wow…isn’t it “great” that we know when the world is going to end? We know it’s going to end anyway, but to know WHEN it happens is something “very useful”. It’s the same with when you know you are going to live another 1 week, I bet you would do things differently. You won’t waste a freaking minute doing stuff that you usually do “to kill the time” cos the time you are killing now is not reaching to an end. It’s in fact an intriguing idea to KNOW your final time, because you can prepare for it. BUT…but…think about this for a moment. Do you agree when I say that by the time you learn about the final day, you would start to grieve and mourn silently for that coming day? I mean, you WON’T live your days the same anymore. Everything is dedicated to that final day. You will stop living without boundaries, you will forget about your ultimate dreams and all that. All you can do is reaching for what’s reachable. If you can reach only a handful, you would try to be happy with that handful that you can reach.

Emm…that’s sad right?

Suddenly, I want to entertain the other idea. MAYBE it’s just better if WE DON’T KNOW when it’s going to end. Maybe we can still live today as if we gonna live forever. Our emotion, our mental and physical are at the best freedom it can experience. We don’t put constraint. We gonna live thinking that this happiness is going to linger. I believe the feeling is so different. At least we get to ENJOY life until the end of it – without mourning for it before it’s time.

THINK ABOUT IT, my friends.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter what we think, cos when the final day comes, it’s going to take its toll anyway. But now, we are still breathing, right? Why worry so much about that final day when it’s gonna come anyway. We should worry more about how to live this life that we surely gonna leave one day.

:)