"The Lost Sheep"

Everyone made a big mistake once in their lifetime. I believe in that. I once made that mistake too. It’s whether you took a decision that made you pay for the consequences or you’re just not lucky enough.

This new friend of mine worked with a new company for only 2 months but she could have written 2 books of curses for her new boss. Everytime she dropped by she would bring a new story about the boss, each time to add more to the bad reputation of the boss. She discovered every time a new “bad thing” that the boss has been committing. She said that all the workers hate the boss. He is taking advantage by taking workers who have problems with IC so that he could pay them low enough without risking that they would quit. He is technically sucking their blood, according to this friend. My friend who was not having any issues with IC or anything, got to ask for high salary because she could secure new businesses for the boss using her contacts from the old company. The boss initially agreed to pay commission to her sales. But when it was time to pay, he made a lot of excuses. From 10%, she was only given 4% because suddenly the boss changed the policy. My friend was dead furious at him. She also found out later that the customers also hate him. He sold second hand computers at high price and almost all the customers came back swearing at him because most of the pc failed to work or start even only after a few days. Some even asked for cash refund. She also found out that the boss was using someone else’s name on the trading license because he is not a Sabahan. The person whose name he used for the license made a report at the district council to bar the boss from renewing the old license. My friend said that it could be that the boss didn’t obey the verbal agreement between them about paying a sum of money to the person whose named used in the license. Not to mention how the boss’ old business was closed down because he couldn’t survive competitions. The new business he ventures in is also new to him and without my friend, he could barely secure a single customer. She said that when the boss was not in, they were all talking about how immoral he is. That was not even after they learnt that the boss registers a new company every time to run from income tax. My oh my!

Listening to her, it made me thinking, “This man is in BIG MESS!” I found my way to pity him. I mean, all the elements related to him are nothing but negative. The history has it that he quit his job as a government servant because “he couldn’t get the respect from his workmates”. I mean, this man’s life is full of problems. I, as a stranger, shouldn’t judge him. But it made me wondering. I thought that MAYBE the rest about him that my friend didn’t know about is all the good and angelic things. I don’t believe that anyone on this earth can be totally screwed up like that. I mean, it can’t be. Then during her last visit to my place, I asked my friend this question.

“U think adakah orang yang betul2 unfortunate sampaikan dia buat semuanya lurus dan baik saja, but still terima nasib mcm boss kau? Like kena benci oleh staff dan customers, business nda maju dan macam2 lagi. You think adakah orang macam tu?

Sia tanya dia soalan tu sebab MANA TAU yang maybe boss dia tu tidaklah sejahat mana. But dia just MALANG sampaikan semua benda yang dia buat pun tidak menjadi. Dia sudah baik2 pun still juga screwed up. Ada jugakah sampai mcm ni?

My friend said, “Mustahil. Kalau sudah sampai begitu, mesti pun orang itu tidak lurus, berniat jahat dan berhati busuk. Tidak mungkin kalau dia baik, dia akan kena macam tu.”

Maybe she’s right. But wait. Kalau kita tengok di sekeliling kita – ada mereka2 yang sentiasa menemui jalan buntu, like things always don’t work out for them. Memang semua benda nda menjadi. Sia terpikir, adakah dorang ni sudah try berhabis-habisan, dengan niat yang baik dan sudah pray to God, still dorang punya life macam tu? Wujud kah macam ni? Or memang semua orang yang dilanda nasib MALANG yang nda henti2 ni memang ada buat something yang tidak betul dalam hidup dorang yang menyebabkan dorang deserve untuk dapat nasib macam tu?

I have had 2 years of bad luck in my life years ago. I call it 2 years of bad luck cos things were all screwed up masa tu. Apa yang sia try, semua nda jadi. And the people around me were skeptical about myself. Like my situation was “the worst case scenario” that I could ever imagine happened to me. If I could name one time was to be called “My Downfall”, that 2 years must be called “My Worst Downfall”. So sia masih ingat macamana kekuatan mental yang paling penting. Semua orang yang berada di tempat sia masa tu mungkin could not survive the pressure. But when u asked me, Did I not try enough? Was I a bad person? I could answer you NO. But memang ada mistake yang sia buat yang menyebabkan I deserved it. I think that it’s true – kalau sia guna rules yang betul dari mula lagi, Life Can’ t be That Cruel to us. Unless we did something yang sambil lewa atau we took a decision out of selfishness – Yes, then only those decisions could echo back in the form of “bad luck”.

Sia tulis ni sebab it has been in my mind lately. Ada orang2 yang dekat dengan sia pun mungkin sedang melalui hal ni dalam hidup dorang sekarang, iaitu … semua element dalam hidup dorang seolah-olah menentang dorang. What I can say is that…Sia sudah lalui tu semua. I don’t know la kalau macam boss kawan sia tu. Maybe dia memang teruk or what. But untuk mereka2 yang rasa diri tu tidaklah sejahat mana but life is not in good flow for you now, mesti ada something yang u guys buat yang menyebabkan benda tu berlaku. The good news is…Ini semua bukan satu verdict untuk kita. It’s just a warning signal that WE NEED TO CHANGE back to our good ways and FIX the bad luck. Dalam kes boss kawan sia tu, sudah puas ikut jalan bengkang bengkok, then try pula ikut jalan lurus kali ni. Mesti lain sikit experience dia. Sepa tau mungkin baru dia sedar bahawa ikut jalan lurus ni jauh ni sebenarnya sangat tenang dan tidak banyak pening kepala. Come to think about it, I realize it even more now yang ini semua cuma satu proses pembelajaran. Don’t ask why some people have it easier than you. You never know maybe they sacrifice so much more than you have so far, to deserve that easy road. We make mistake and God gives us the way to fix it. I truly believe in that.

Each of us might experience being The Lost Sheep at least one time in our lives. Now that you know that you are not going to be lost forever, don’t you just want to find the way back home? :)

NOTE: You have no idea how many hearts will cry tears of joy just seeing you making your way back home. Don’t wait for the aid when you can start finding the way home now :)

"You Must Have A Bad Day"

You guys sedarkah about something about this life? Tidak kisah la you sudah buat sebaik mungkin, sudah buat planning and serba sistematik, disiplin yang sangat tinggi – boleh dikatakan u did your part dengan baik sekali – still…Tidak mungkin hari2 you hanya akan lucky, happy dan penuh dengan senyum dan gelak ketawa saja.

Biarpun you baik, peramah, suka tolong orang, suka bersedekah or jenis yang happy go lucky, TRUST ME, ada masanya yang YOU MUST HAVE A BAD DAY. Sia pernah do my little study on this. Masa sia happy with my life – sia experience every moment and tanya pada diri sia – How on earth, that life gonna punish me with a bad day after this?

The answer is this. Masa kita sedang happy2 dengan life kita, MESTI ada satu ruang dalam hidup kita yang muat2 untuk sekurang-kurangnya satu masalah. Dan masalah ini la yang akan menjadikan hidup kita ni bertukar mood. Daripada ketawa2 gembira, now start sudah dahi berkerut. Pening, sakit kepala dan tidak menentu. Sedar nda sedar – hati kita risau, resah dan sedih. "My life sucks" Aha…then kalau mau dikaji, Kenapa juga masalah ni buat hidup kita teruk? How? Teruk sangatkah masalah ni? Kenapa time kita happy, seolah-olah masalah tu tidak wujud? Kenapa mesti masalah tu datang dan mengubah kegembiraan dalam hati kita?

Then I made another and another study on this. I mean, my little study is analyzing life sia sendiri. Sia mau tau apa yang sebenarnya terjadi pada ups and downs hidup kita. Sia lalui that bad day hari ni. Fikiran bercelaru sebab ada tujuan yang belum terlaksana. Fikir pasal deadline yang sia kena settle semua benda. Imagine la sia cuma ada less than one week untuk settle something yang has to be good for the rest of the year. Memang sounds like something impossible. Mau pikir pasal budget lagi. Mau pikir pasal orang2 yang terlibat lagi. And at the same time, mau pikir pasal jaga air muka sendiri dan mau settle ni benda sendiri. Nah…apa tidak my head almost jam. Sampai SMS pun sia tidak terlayan. Lepas tu, datang lagi sorang kawan ni yang kerjanya asyik meminta something ja tidak habis2. Ada2 saja yang dimintanya, and though benda2 tu semua make money, she's asking everything for free. Lagilah sia tension orang ambil kesempatan atas kebaikan sia. Whoaaa…Today is officially a bad day!!! Jalan pun macam zombie ja ni. Mau cari satu idea yg buat hati senang - How to settle this problem???!!! Yes, itulah yang ada dalam kepala sia tadi bila sampai rumah. Dekat mau termenangis pun ada oo. Like so stuck in this problem. Haiyaa!!!

Well, itu yang sia rasa tadi. Imagine la diri kamu dalam situasi masalah kamu sendiri. Actually ini yg terjadi. Our mind ni juga punya kerja yang kasi pusing sana, pusing sini. Telampau pintar punya kepala otak. Lama2 pandai makan tuan. Hehehe. Sebab, it's all a mind game ja ba ni. Kalau teruk di fikiran kita, teruklah juga jadinya. Jadi apa yang akan tolong kita? Hear it from me. That's why kita mesti ada faith sama a greater power. Kita tau yang someone is taking care of us. Kita mesti percaya that our prayer is heard. Element2 luaran ni la yang actually give us extra strength to Think Outside The Box. Sebab time sia dera diri sia cari2 solution, belok sana belok sini, Akhirnya…sia boleh terpikir satu penyelesaian kepada masalah sia, tapi penyelesaian ni betul2 lari daripada yang pernah sia pikir sebelum tu. Wow…buli juga macam ni ah?

Rupanya INIlah dia penangan masalah kita tu. Kalau kita dikalahkan oleh masalah kita, bukan sebab Takdir, tapi kita yang tidak mau berjuang cari penyelesaian. Dalam kes sia tadi, ini melibatkan hal serius so sia paksa diri untuk squeeze that solution yang terbaik untuk diambil. Sebab selagi sia tidak jumpa something yang gives me that relief, memang sia akan terus terperangkap dalam kemurungan ini. I need to find the way out!!

So when I finally hit it – sia smiled and cakap pada diri sia – “Begini pula rasanya bila kita akhirnya dapat cari satu titik di mana kesusahan kita tidak akan menjatuhkah kita. Sebab Memang Betul, akan sentiasa ada cara untuk menyelesaikan masalah tu. Bodohlah kita kalau dikalahkan oleh masalah, sebab kerja masalah tu cuma untuk kasi asam garam dalam hidup, kasi sia pengalaman dan bagi lebih banyak exercise minda – to test us, How good you are now. Dia cuma kuis2 sikit pun, sudah kita melatah dan overreact. Imagine lah problems tu pandai cakap, mesti dia pun tekejut. Ouch, I didn’t mean to make you lose hope in your life. Imagine that? Tu masalah pun buli nangis o tengok kita jadi nda tentu arah gara2 dia cuma main gurau senda ja. So the point is… Guys, apa yang kita mau takut? Kita ada kehidupan. Kita ada kewarasan. Kita ada anggota badan yang cukup. Kita ada kekuatan. Kita ada kelebihan. Masalah ni apa la juga berbanding dengan apa yg kita ada. Jadi…masih mau give up? Answer that to yourself.

And bothered about a bad day? Kenapa mesti kita melatah pasal satu hari yang malang dan tidak menceriakan. Hari begini akan datang sekali sekala. Cuma sekali sekala. The rest of it, you can always choose to have A Good Day :) Apa buli buat sudah peraturan hidup tidak mau kita asyik tersenyum – sebab apa thrillnya hidup kalau asyik ketawa saja kan. Ada masa kita down, then guess what…pasal Bad Day yang datang sekali sekala ni la…kita lagi tau menghargai the next Good Day yang kita akan tempuhi. And hopefully that time, jangan lupa daratan. Hargai Good Day itu, cos somehow, someday, You Must Have A Bad Day again :)

The One Who Gives You Life Or make You Stay Alive?

This is nothing new.

Bukan semua orang bertuah macam kita yang dipelihara oleh mama bapa kandung kita sendiri. I have friends yang lived with grandma dorang, or saudara mara dorang, atas sebarang reason yg menyebabkan parents dorang can't take care of them. Tidak kisah lah ada reason apa, whether or not it is atas kerelaan parents dorang atau tidak. But when benda2 ni terjadi…akan ada beberapa isu serious yang akan timbul.

First is – Emotion of the kid. Second is – The kind of life yang dia akan dapat jika berada di bawah jagaan orang lain and Third is – The things that the kid misses when he doesn't get to grow up with his real parents. – At least, those things come to my head spontaneously. I know I never do deeper studies on this but let's hear what I have to say dengan cuba untuk menyelami apa yang dirasai oleh mereka2 yang melalui ini.

Teda sepa dapat jamin bahawa our parents can give us the best life that anyone could offer to us. Secara fakta – bukan semua orang berada dalam financial situation yang selesa to afford anything they wish to. Some people they have so much to offer, but they don't have anyone to offer it to. Sedangkan parents yang susah dan anak pula ramai, memang tidak dapat provide sebaiknya untuk anak2 dorang. Ada pula parents yang memang mempunyai tuntutan hidup yang berbeza sampaikan anak tu bukan priority dorang. You never know. Ada macam2 reason why the parents tidak boleh jaga anak dorang. Then, syukur lah kalau ada orang yang take the kid and bring him up. Jaga makan pakai dia dan ajar dia macamana mau jadi orang.

Kalau Tuhan panjangkan umur, sedar tidak sedar…anak tu pun membesar macam anak orang lain juga. Ada pendidikan, ada perwatakan tersendiri dan sebagainya. Dalam ertikata lain – orang mungkin tidak perasan pun yang anak tu sebenarnya dibesarkan oleh orang lain. So apa bezanya?

Tapi siapa sangka – perkara yang bertahun-tahun tidak diungkit langsung…suddenly timbul pula selepas bertahun-tahun. Isu – Who's the biological parents suddenly diungkit dan What If…selepas bertahun-tahun…the real parents come in the picture and mula mencari balik hak dorang. "He's our son. He should be with us." And lebih dramatik kalau ditambah dengan ayat macam gini, "We don't get to raise him. We hope that we can still spend the rest of our lives as a family. He belongs with us. Don't ruin this family bonding that we have. Don't separate us anymore."

What do you feel now?

Banyak drama yang sia tengok yang bring forward issue ni – Dan confirm ada adegan air mata yang menyayat hati. Apa lagi kalau si penjaga ni tidak dapat berpisah dengan anak yang dia jaga tu gara2 parents sebenar datang menuntut hak. Apa lagi kalau diselitkan dengan macamana payahnya si penjaga kasi besar tu anak dari dia kecil lagi. Dalam kes tertentu, hidup si penjaga tu bukannya senang pun. Tapi sebab keikhlasan dia mau besarkan anak tu, susah pun dia harung juga. Sampaikan orang cakap, ibu bapa dia sendiri pun Belum Tentu lagi akan buat pengorbanan macam tu. So bila kasih sayang dan ikatan sudah dibina – tiba2 pula ada orang mau ambil tu anak balik dengan alasan paling kukuh di dunia – "I'm the one who give birth to him" Ya…perkataan "give birth" tu memang sangat strong. Imagine la mom dia kandung dia 9 bulan dalam perut, and kasi lahir dia dekat2 tercabut nyawa sendiri. Can you deny her right on the child?

Silap2, tajuk yang sia buat tu automatik tidak relevan. No question asked. Memang clearly The one who gives birth yang layak ke atas anak tu. It doesn't matter what the child thinks. It doesn't matter how, what, when, where, with what and so on…Nothing beats the bonding between a mom and a child. That's the general idea. So, can this one always be true?

If benda ni berlaku bila dia child sudah dewasa, I think the child Knows Better. Biarpun darah yang mengalir dalam badan dia tu adalah milik orang yang lahirkan dia, tapi bukan orang itu yang besarkan dia. Apa lagi kalau sebab parents dia tidak besarkan atas reason yang Selfish – like… "We were not ready yet to have a child" or "We have to achieve something first before we can give you a good life". Mungkin si anak akan lebih arif dan tau menilai siapa yang lebih berjasa dalam hidup dia.

Teda sepa cakap melahirkan anak tu senang, tapi lagilah teda sepa akan berani cakap yang membesarkan seorang anak tu sampai dia betul2 jadi orang tu senang. Cos memang pun susah!! Ingat saja macamana susahnya parents kita kasi besar kita. Kalau dorang nda sayang dengan kita, JANGAN HARAP dorang mau buat semua tu. Bila kita sakit, bila kita dilanda kemalangan kecil - silap2 dekat terbang nyawa dorang sebab kebimbangan. Pikir senangkah? Tapi itu semua memang diduga sebab dorang adalah parents kita. Imagine betapa besar hati orang yang membesarkan anak orang lain biarpun bukan darah daging sendiri.

If you want to know my answer – Bagi sia the real responsibility is to RAISE the kid. Di sini baru lah u tau sama ada u sendiri menghargai 9 bulan yang u spent dan kesakitan melahirkan anak tu – sebab if you lalui tu semua tapi u "SURRENDER" mau kasi besar dia, I don't think you still own that highest place in this little hierarchy. Suddenly proses 9 bulan itu jadi satu proses yang mampu dilalui oleh lebih ramai perempuan berbanding dengan proses untuk menjadikan anak yang dilahirkan itu seorang manusia yang betul2 manusia.

So if you are in this situation … Even if you think you have enough reason to reunite with your real parents, Jangan sekali2 kamurang lupa jasa tu orang yg kasi besar kamu. Apa lagi bila kamu jadi orang yang berkebolehan, berwawasan dan tau menilai kehidupan. Bagi sia, jasa orang yg membesarkan kita tu memang kita nda terbalas. Hanya Tuhan ja yang dapat balas.

Note: Tiba2 sia teringat bila orang cakap, To achieve something is not the hardest. How to pertahankan achievement tu yang paling susah. Maybe the concept is the same :)

Dare To Die!!!

Wahh…semenjak dua menjak ni…sia asyik bercakap tentang perkara2 yang motivate me. Ruginya kalau sia nda tulis benda ni kan. So here I am!

Hari tu…ada customer sia yang sempat borak with me. She’s my senior. Orangnya sempoi saja, tapi poket dia penuh. Dressing ala kadar. She runs a tourism agency with her hubby. Dia ni lah mama angkat kepada The Lucky Baby yang sia pernah cerita di post tahun lalu. Baru2 ni dorang satu family terbang pegi Hong Kong dan bercuti di sana hampir 1 bulan tanpa risau dengan business dorang. Dorang balik2 ja Sabah, sibuk buat persiapan bday that lucky baby yang ke 1 tahun. Bila sia tengok persiapan dia untuk majlis bercukur anak tunggal kesayangan dia tu – baju budak tu saja pun mau dekat RM1k, then sia tumpang tekejut saja la dengan big-spending dorang tu. Dalam hati sia… “Ini la ni kalau sudah lahir2 ja terus kaya.” Dekat setahun lebih sia beranggapan macam tu, until la sia akhirnya bercakap dengan dia dengan lebih detail.

Dia cerita dengan sia yang perjalanan untuk sampai ke tahap hidup senang yang boleh pegi holiday ni bukan cerita senang. Company tu dorang mula daripada Zero. And then, dorang pernah melalui kejatuhan yang kaw2 punya…sampaikan semua staff berhenti, bank call2 untuk tanya pasal installment kereta yang tertunggak. “Bunuh diri ja nda,” dia cakap. Bukan calang2 punya kejatuhan. And then, customer pun datang hentam dorang. Ada lagi accident yang berlaku yang menyebabkan reputasi company dorang bertambah teruk.

Masa dia sibuk bercakap, I was startled. Pandai2 ja sia assume yang dia ni kaya dari lahir. Kalau betullah apa yang dia cakap tu, dia sebenarnya sudah rasa macamana jadi susah. Dia bagitau pelaburan2 yang dorang sudah buat, ada yang tidak menjadi dan membawa kerugian. They took the RISK. Risk yang dorang ambil tu bukan alang2 punya. Sama ada kau terus hidup atau kau gulung tikar. Itu saja ending dia. But, sepa sangka, pasal dorang berani la dorang sampai ke tahap hari ni.

Then sia menyampuk, “Mesti mau berani mati ba kan?” sambil2 bergurau. She agreed with it right away. “Yess…betul. MESTI MAU BERANI MATI.” Uishh… serius ja bunyi dia tu ba. Hehehehe. Pikir buli hidup balikkah kalau sudah mati? Alaalalalala… Hehehehe.

Itu cuma kata kiasan saja. It’s about TAKING A HIGH RISK in order to move forward. Kalau sentiasa play it safe, sebenarnya teda apa juga yang kita dapat. Cuma “SAFE” itu saja lah reward dia, but SAFE only for the time being. Sama juga Safe yang tidak bekesudahan akhirnya tidak ke mana2. What For? That’s why la dengan bangganya dia nasihat sia supaya BERANI buat keputusan besar dalam hidup sia. Jangan asyik takut rugi, takut gagal… susah mau maju. Kalau jatuh tidak apa, asalkan bangkit semula.

Sia angguk paham. “Yes, Dare To Die, kan.”

Then she continued, “Dare To Die but YOU MUST LIVE.”

Then I paused for a while and say, YES!! Dare to die but Don’t Die, but Live!

Maksudnya, bila kita mau capai sesuatu, kadangkala risk yang diambil tu terlalu besar tetapi yang kita kejar tu pun sangat berbaloi. So, adakah kita akan terus memilih untuk tidak mencuba gara2 takut gagal dan rugi? You guys sedar kah yang Life ini memang adalah untuk kita sentiasa capai sesuatu dengan mengatasi kepayahan yang wujud di depan kita? Kenapa jua we make it sound as if benda ni “something new?” Kan memang inilah DEFINISI kehidupan? Jadi apa yang ada di depan sia ni adalah just a normal journey. If I freak out dengan hal2 mcm ni, memang I’m a loser before the battle is even begin. I’m alive and I’m healthy, apa lagi excuse sia nda mau take on this challenge kan?

Apa pun, I still ask myself, Do I Dare? Tapi thinking of that, memang betul2 interesting if sia just redah saja ni semua. Bila lagi kan?

Ingat tu… Dare TO Die --- But You Must Live!!

The Powerful Prayer

Do you guys pray? If yes, do you guys believe that your prayers are heard? If yes, do you believe that the heard prayers will be granted? If yes, do you believe that the prayers will be granted just in time? Ahaa…that’s a series questions for you to think of.

You guys know that I’m doing what I can to be a devout follower of my religion. But I am still a human being. I am just another weak soul on this planet Earth. I could read a lot of religious book, hear a lot of sermons and still be doubtful about many things that I can’t see and touch.

In my whole life, I have the experience when my prayers were not answered in time. I remember those times when I was so mad with everything around me because my life was screwed up just because I could not settle a problem in time. Those times, of course I was younger. I liked to blame just for the sake of having something to blame. I remember being mad at God too because I thought that He did not listen to my prayers. So maybe, those bitter times are more remembered than those good times when miracle happened. I couldn’t name how many of my prayers were answered, but I’m very sure they are quite a few of them.

Remembering the times when the prayers weren’t answered is very hurtful. It makes you feel sick to even pray. Cos when you pray, you put high hopes that it will be granted urgently. So when it doesn’t, you will feel so hurt inside. All your hopes just crushed and turned into dust. You hate that feeling. So the next time when you have a very serious problem that need to be solved as fast as possible, you would think twice, whether or not you should stop for a moment and pray?

Thinking of the times when your important prayers weren’t answered, it is bitter to even start a prayer. You hate to get hurt again if the prayer proved to be unattended. I feel this way to sometimes. I know it’s silly but I do it. Do you know the feeling when you have done everything you can and still things don’t happen the way you expect them to? Like everything is not in your control anymore. You have said some prayers of hope in your heart but nothing happens for months. What would you do?

It happened to me recently. I have been waiting for a problem to settle for months. This caused a lot of other problems that put me in a difficult situation. I have done my effort, but to no avail. I told myself, “[256], you should try and read that Novena prayer” but my heart was so heavy to even do the prayer. I was afraid that I put too much hope in it and still nothing happened. It might affect my faith. I don’t want that to happen. But I BELIEVE that Novena prayer is a Very powerful prayer beside Rosary Prayer. So finally I decided to read that Novena prayer using the prayer book of Novena for the Sacred Heart of Jesus. But again, I was too occupied with my activities, I could not find a quality time for it. I felt guilty because I delayed the prayer again and again. I just whispered silently in my heart that only God could help me with my situation. But I don’t know why I feel like God wanted me to read the prayer because He could send me an answer. I don’t know why I felt that way. So…after delaying it for so long, I finally forced myself to make time for it on the day of Christmas Eve. I woke up that early morning, and said the prayer with such devotion.

Yes, it was on the day of Christmas Eve. I went to work that day like usual. I planned to go back early from work because I wanted to prepare for the Christmas Eve Mass. Who would have guessed, that out of nowhere, I received a surprising visit from a representative who told me that my problem was almost settled? I mean, Yes, exactly what I was praying for during the Novena prayer only a few hours before that. The prayer that I’ve been delaying for months. This problem was bothering me for almost half a year already and who would have guessed that I received the answer on the day I said the Novena prayer? And it was a ridiculous day for a matter like that to happen because it was the day when most people were busy with holidays? But it happened!! My eyes wide opened in disbelief. “God, you answered my prayer, right?”

My infinite gratefulness to God is beyond words. What I was mostly amazed of not because I finally got what I wanted. I was amazed that God proved it to me that Yes, He listens to our prayer. He wants to help us but we are just too selfish to even pause and say a prayer. Well, maybe some of you will have something to say that you still say that your prayers were not answered. Maybe we should examine our ways. Are we too greedy? Do we ask for too much? Do we request something just for our own benefit? One thing that I have read and remember about this is…

God Doesn’t Give What You Think You Want, Instead, He Gives You What He Knows You Need.

Let’s not quit praying. Maybe it’s all God needs from you before he answers your prayer :)

Thank You Lord.

Give Till It Hurts

Janganlah Memberikan Sesuatu Sebagai Hadiah Dari Kelebihan Melainkan Berikanlah Sesuatu Sampai Anda Sendiri Merasa Sakit.

I saw this line from the bulletin for the Christmas Eve mass. When I read it, I thought that it could never happen to me. I mean, Who would want to give something when it causes them pain? As a matter of fact, we would not want to give at all if we can’t afford to give something. So it’s always because We Can Afford to give then only we give. But that line is suggesting that – it’s for the sake of giving – whether or not you can afford it. Iaitu kebesaran hati untuk memberi sesuatu kepada orang lain itu yang lebih penting.

Who would have guessed that I actually felt “that pain” for this Christmas? *giggles.

Buying a gift for our loved ones is not that hard. If you have the money, you can buy anything nice. But sometimes the concerns arise are – 1. Whether or not the gift is expensive enough to make them happy? 2. If Yes, will they actually be happy to receive the gift with the amount money that we spent on it?

But I’m not doing it like what others do. I don’t believe that the more expensive the gift is, the happier they feel when they receive it. I always know that it’s not like that. The best gift that people can get from me is my handwork. If I care enough to sacrifice my time and energy, it’s the best gift that I could give.

So here is the Christmas gift story for this year. Hehehe. I was planning to make a surprise. It’s a specially designed gift for my family members. So because I was so busy with other things, I delayed my plan until the last minute. Since that I could not make the gifts ready by Christmas Eve, believe it or not, I actually went to work on Christmas Day? Ouch! Not that I didn’t respect the holiday, but it was coincident that we only have a special dinner at nite. So I had to cancel going to some Christmas invitations that I received during the day. I had to tell them, “Sorry, I have something urgent to do”. Wasn’t that painful enough? I had to cancel my chance to meet my friends and relatives and eat variety of foods just to prepare the gifts. That’s one pain to count.

And then, the office was actually closed on Christmas Day. Nobody in the whole big building actually turned up. The security guards had told everyone to not come for any purpose because it would cause them extra work to look over the building if the building was opened. But because my equipments are all there, I HAVE to come. So it’s actually another pain to see the face of the security guard in charged when he had to stay there and watch the building since I was there. I spent almost the same hours in my workplace trying to make what I planned. So even my safety was at risk. Anybody would sneak into the building and do something bad. The guard had to be alert of that too just because of me. Did I just do that? I could not believe it myself. It was for the gifts.

Then here’s another thing. I found out that my equipment failed to perform. It was really a last minute malfunction that caused me headache. I had to run to find a shop that can do it for me, but most of the shops were closed. So I found a shop, and I thought I was lucky. Still, I was not lucky enough because the shop couldn’t produce exactly the quality that I expected. The time was running out. I must get everything ready in hours. But I came to the end of my wits. I could not do anything about it. I came back to the office and paused – “What should I do now?”.

My expectation was too high and must be met. I felt so upset inside. I wanted my family to be happy to receive something special from me after the Christmas dinner. It was gonna be a big surprise that would touch their hearts because they know, the whole year I was always giving the excuse that I was busy and set aside what they asked me to do since I always give my customers the priority of my time. So I wanted to take that time to show them that finally I have time to do what they want. But after all that I did that day, things were not working smoothly for me. I felt so stressed out and upset.

I suddenly remember the line that I took from the church bulletin. “Berikanlah Sesuatu Sampai Anda Sendiri Merasa Sakit.” Maybe it was what I was feeling that time. I pushed my effort to the limit. If I just buy anything to replace that gift, that means I could only give them the second best. I really felt it how my intention of giving got the better of me. I would not settle for the second best.

Finally…though I could not prepare the special gift yet, luckily I have other smaller gifts to give them and told them I have to delay the other gift. Guess what, they did not expect anything and they were still happy even I did not give them anything.

This Christmas, I learnt something very useful about Giving.

When you are very sincere about giving something to people, you would do anything even how hard, even how difficult, just to make it happen. Even if you know people would still be happy without the gift…Even if you know you are still loved the same even if you don’t give them a gift. It’s not about THEM. It’s about YOU. Cos you want to give and then you MUST give.

At the end of the day, I found out something else.

When you give something with all your heart, the most joy happens in the heart of the ones who GIVE, and not the ones who RECEIVE.

Now I understand what it means by The Pleasure Of Giving.

If you give something till it hurts you, it represents that your giving heart is bigger than what could be defined by your wealth. As beautiful as that :)

P/S – I will have a new year gift for my beloved readers :)

The Heart Of Christmas

Morning everyone. I am typing this is the dawn of Christmas. It’s never complete if I just leave the special day without writing down a meaningful thought for it.

Merry Christmas 2009 to all those who are celebrating it. As we know, the church will now will be overflowing with people again, unlike most of the Sundays throughout the year. Some people never turn up to Church unless they have a reason big enough to do so. And guess what, Christmas could be the reason for them to go to church. Even the non church-goers also know that this celebration means a lot to them that they should make time to spend at least an hour following the Christmas mass.

Aha…looks like everyone really waits for this day. But does everyone know WHY Christmas is such an important day?

Yup, let me get this right. Although I have emphasized that A Happier Christmas is by spending it with our loved ones, but actually – that’s still not The Heart of Christmas is all about. Christmas isn’t what most of the younger generation thought it was. Christmas is not Santa Claus, Rudolph the Rednosed Raindeer, Frosty the Snowman, Pine Tree decorated with running lights and miniature hanging deco – and as a matter of fact, Christmas is NOT about big food celebration where you spend your nite drinking till you pass out. That ISN’T what Christmas is all about.

Christmas is actually a VERY religious celebration because it’s celebrating the birthday of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ came into the world to save men from sins by getting Himself crucified at the cross. The sacrifice and sorrow that Jesus went through on the cross remain a very significant event for the Christians. Without the event on the cross, there might not be a religion called Christian. I belong to the oldest religion, that’s Roman Catholic. So now you know why we make the Sign of Christ to honour and remember how much the tragedy on the cross actually makes a different to the world. So, Christmas date is picked to remember the birth of Jesus. His birth is like the biggest blessing from God. He was sent to the people on this earth, because of God’s Love to the people. Christians believe that He is the Saviour who will save the believers and reward them with eternal life. So, it’s normal when you attend the Christmas mass, usually the priest will remind us what’s the Real Christmas is all about. Suddenly you realize that it’s far strayed from the real objective of Christmas. The whole world is excited about the celebration but not all really know or care why Christmas is even here to begin with.

Christmas has been commercialized that it’s now more about a general celebration where people decorate the house and street, playing Christmas songs, throwing big parties, buying gifts and making surprises. It’s the time where people wait to go home and spend time at home. I believe that some people even thought that Christmas is all about Santa Claus. The world has so much to bank from this celebration alone, because it becomes a time when people spend most of the money they make in the year. They all wait for Christmas to finally be able to do something special. Well, that’s why the Church is feeling upset with this because the world is losing touch with the Real purpose of Christmas. But at the end of the day, is it a bad thing at all? It’s not a bad thing. But please, to all the Christians, let’s not forget that this is the celebration of joy for the birth of Christ. We are all thankful because Christ’s birth is a symbol of love. Yes, let’s rejoice for this magnificent birth. Say the thankful prayers that this celebration brings a lot of meaning to our lives.

So… have I made myself be part of this commercialized Christmas? I have been telling my readers so much about the importance of spending time with loved ones. So, am I trying to make the lost people even lost about real Christmas? Nope. As you can see, maybe it’s easier for me because I am not really a materialistic person. I don’t have the pressure to really get ruled by HOW MUCH materials that I have to measure how rich I am. I keep emphasizing WHO we have in our lives, because that’s the real wealth to me. I think I am doing justice and playing my part well in trying to spread the essence of Christmas celebration. LOVE that is. Cos in today’s world, maybe it’s hard to let them know that Jesus Christ is the reason for this celebration. But when you talk about love, it isn’t SO HARD anymore. Because Love is a universal language everyone can understand.

At the end of the day, I think that even Christ is happy that we learn how to adapt love and let it rule our lives. I bet He’s happier because now we know what’s the essence of this life. It isn’t how big our cars and home are, or how much we can spend at a fancy restaurant for the best foods, or how expensive the gifts we can buy for them. It’s NOT that. It’s MUCH SIMPLER. Even those who don’t have all those could still experience the biggest joy. Maybe the real “correction” is in that. Maybe we should not get too obsessed with materials and money. If we can feel rich just by counting our blessings through our loved ones, maybe we already hit the right key. Maybe Christ would forgive us if we forget for a second why we celebrate Christmas in the first place. Because His teaching still rules our heart – LOVE that is. As a matter of fact, our biggest gift to Christ is when we can practice how to “Love One Another”. He’ll be happy when there’s no vengeance in our hearts. No more hatred and enemies. "Forgiveness" - is a big word. Just with that, I think we can present Christ the best gift. It’s not even about giving Him something. It’s as simple as sharing love among us. Practice Love.

And What Love is, again? Love is not in what your say, love is not even in what you feel. Love is in what YOU DO. When you do something nice to other people, that’s WHAT LOVE is. That’s a very meaningful church sermon that I remember until today. So much that we talk about love, finally that particular Rev. Father put it in the simplest words. So don’t say that you love until you are willing to show it in action.

I want to take this chance to thank the ALMIGHTY LORD for everything that I have. I thank Him because through the years, I have learnt so much about appreciating my loved ones. I might not do enough, but I know I’m getting there. I also want to thank Him because He gives me this heart. I can feel people’s love and affection for me. I can stop and stay thank you because I might be a very weak person, but suddenly my weaknesses don’t matter anymore because my loved ones will still love and accept me regardless who I am. I also want to say my infinite gratefulness because of the opportunities that life gives me to expand my little hands. Lord gives me the way to use my gifts. Lord, I might ask too much from You sometimes. You have been very patient with me. But if I have one thing that makes You happy, please show it to me through Your help and guidance during my times of trouble. And Please…if I deserve only a little blessing, I would want to share it with the people I love. Please use half of my blessing to lighten and ease their troubled heart when they face difficulties cos I don’t want them to be weaker than I am. I hope I don’t ask for too much.

Merry Christmas Everyone. Yes, we all need an excuse to do something nice. If that’s the case, I don’t think Christ will mind if we use Christmas as an excuse to finally show our love to one another. In fact…it’s all that He might ask for as a birthday gift. Happy Birthday Jesus Christ :)

God Bless Everyone.

Maybe It's Just Destiny...

You guys percaya sama takdir and ketentuan? It means perkara2 yang sudah ditentukan sejak azali. Something yang kita tidak mampu ubah even macamana pun kita wish kita boleh ubah.

It can be tough to understand. Sometimes you’re using your ultimate wisdom to see and calculate that yes, this sure gonna work. Science must work. Reasoning must work. If everything is in place, IT SHOULD WORK! Isn’t that how it works around here? If we have enough reasons for something to happen, plus with the right circumstances, it Must happen right then and there.

Tapi bolehkah kalau sia cakap, semua reasoning dianggap void kalau something memang sudah ditakdirkan? Ada benda2 yang memang kita tidak dapat ubah. Dan sekiranya something like that bump into our lives, dan it’s put in a position that it’s going to hurt us very badly, at least you know that this is what they call Ketentuan. This something is nothing new. This isn’t passed by the aliens from Mars the last nite when they landed secretly in your backyard. This is here even before we were born. So this is not just happen to teach you a lesson that You’ve been bad, this is your punishment. Nope. I believe that if you call that takdir, it doesn’t matter if you have committed your whole life for other people’s welfare, cos if it’s written in your destiny that this gonna happen, it will happen.

I remember when my boyfriend (now my ex) was so nice to me. He was so kind and loyal. His every day was dedicated to me. Like every morning when he woke up, he must talk to me first and before he went to bed, he must also talked to me and then only he considered his day complete. I became The Purpose in his everyday’s life. Everything he did, he always included me. If he talked to his workmates, he talked about me. When he saw a customer coming that has pretty much my resemblance, he thought of me. It was such a devotion. From this devotion alone, you know this guy did his level best to dedicate his life, his heart – for the only girl that he loved. From how he loved his girlfriend, he deserved to get the best respect any girl could ever give to a man. It was almost not found in this age of infidelity. So…does it take a genius to say, that this man deserves many good things in his life – but if life wasn’t generous enough, then at least, this man deserved to get the same affection from his girlfriend, agree?

I, as his girlfriend that time…what was I doing? Knowing that I have a boyfriend like that, don’t you think it’s like an answered prayer? I bet any girl would want to be in my place. He might not be so rich, but he was very good looking, he was very gentle and he was the kind of man who would stop and greet you, or help you with your stuff even if he didn’t know you. In other words, you don’t have to be his girlfriend to know that he’s very courteous and warm. But, it might be too much if we say that he deserved a place in heaven, but can I say that nobody would deny if he at least deserved to be Loved by me, just as much? He has been proving his worth. Not only to me, but to the people around him. So, using all our calculation, humanity virtues and theories of “what you give, you get back” – don’t you think AT LEAST he deserved to be loved that much too by his girlfriend? Yeah, it was like that.

Look at me that time. I wasn’t a bad girl at all. I could say that I was born to be loyal to my man. I never gave myself the option to have wandering eyes. For me, once I gave my word, I will keep it. That’s what I thought. I thought my parents thought me enough how to tell good from bad. And even if I failed as a learner, at least I was not stupid enough to not know that a guy like him was hard to find. Given the circumstances that I wasn’t demanded an extra sweat to love him – I should be in the right position to love him back. I give you guys enough reasoning how and why things should be as what we both planned. To be in love and fight our ways to prove that we were each other’s soulmate.

Yup people. Who would have guessed, even that was NOT good enough to Rewrite the destiny. Nothing is ever good enough to create a new version of destiny that we request. Because as most of us have accepted, Destiny is written before our lives even begin to unfold. So you can kill someone, or you can even kill yourself – to protest why Destiny is written in such a way that hurt you, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Because it’s written in destiny that he and I were not meant to be, suddenly life was giving me the excuse to stray from our mission. Suddenly life had pushed me to another direction so that I could start living that destiny. You thought I was insane to know that I shouldn’t betray my boyfriend? You thought I was heartless? No I wasn’t. But like I always tell you, life has a way to tell us when things are not meant to be.

Before I knew, I was in love with a new guy without the knowledge of the loving boyfriend. You thought I was a bad person? No I wasn’t. You thought I was purposely trying to fall in love with a new guy that has all the better qualities? You are wrong. My good judgment told me that this new guy wasn’t anything near my boyfriend. I could still name in many ways why my boyfriend was better than the new guy, but since this is Destiny, I could strangle or hang myself to near death, but still, you could not make me love my boyfriend back – even after you present to me all the reasoning you can list using your science theory.

My heart was crushed because THIS WASN’T HOW it should be. I knew it too. Something really screwed up because my good judgment told me I should be with my boyfriend, but WHY was I there, experiencing a totally greater experience being in love with a new guy without the knowledge of my boyfriend? So you know, I don’t care what logic you are using, but what I know my body and mind was in the opposite direction of what that logic could be.

So I recalled one nite, when both elements were claiming right over my body, I thought I almost exploded because I could not understand my action. “Why should I be in this situation? I could have been peacefully in love with my boyfriend.” And then I cried so so hard trying to express “My Frustration” because I knew it was not right, but it was still what I thought was the best for me to do. I thought that if I used only my humanly good judgment, I wouldn’t be there. But then I realized. I could only try so hard to do what’s best, but we don’t live totally on our good judgment alone. Sometimes the forces of nature do take part in this and our humanly weaknesses are sometimes just an excuse for some unexplained decision that we take. Destiny is that powerful.

I write all this, just to let you guys realize that when you fought so hard for something that you thought you deserve, and still you were not good enough to get it, this could be the act of Destiny. It’s not because you’re not good enough, it’s not because you have been bad before and karma is getting back at you, and it’s not because of all that…

Please don’t lose your battle if this happens to you. To be fair, something much greater is about to take place in your life, so something less good has to go. Just put it that way. I saw it happened to someone before, so I know if it could be a little too painful, but you’ll be thankful that it happened. Before you know, Destiny is written in way that God knows what’s best for you.

Or at least, that’s what I tell myself. Cos I can choose to grieve, I can choose to blame, I can choose to curse – but what for? Then I just find the magical purpose behind that Destiny. You guys should too.

Be Strong. And Trust in a greater power up there – He knows what He’s doing. :)

Don't Stop That Noise...

You guys read this post…I hope it would knock some senses into us. 

NOISE -- Nobody really likes it all the time. If you can pick a silent and peaceful environment, yes, you would pick this, anything away from the pollution of sound. 

I remember my parents were talking out loud about something funny and we were laughing our heart off. Suddenly my sister came from upstairs, wearing that upset looks and said to us, 

“Can you guys please tone down the volume cos I can’t sleep? Like I can listen to every words. I’m trying to get some rest!”
 

Yes, it was always noisy when the rest of the family are gathering in the house. It’s a normal view when the house where a family stays, would get even more silent each year – when the kids are growing and eventually have to leave the house to pursue their dreams. One child might be off to another state for studies, another one would get married and stay at the spouse’s place and one would be stay at a different place because it’s closer to his workplace. Yeah…for all the different reason, the family house would get really SILENT. If you were the parents, you would understand that this SILENT wasn’t there when the kids were still small; when they still need your protection and care. 

One day, you would cry alone hugging your pillow, missing this noise that you thought you hated just because you wanted to get some rest. That time then only you realize If Only you just let them do the noise. It’s the most heavenly noise that you can afford to have. But that time, it’s too late. Because that’s what most of us do. We only realize the value of something when it’s gone. Now I’m telling you so you APPRECIATE that noise that made them these people. They are the same people you call you loved ones. They are the same people you mention in all your prayers. 

 

So when I told my sister that That is SO SO Stupid to complain about the noise that we make. “Aren’t you enough of silence?!!!” I really mean it. Just put it this way. Just imagine that this life is CURSED with silence. So all the noises that come along the way are actually what give this life the meaning. Cos after the noises are gone, it’s going to SILENCE again. 

So don’t you think we have enough of Silence? Now think once again if you want to wait until you lose this noise forever or START appreciating it NOW. It’s not to late for most of us. Those who have lost this noise KNOW what I’m talking about. 

Yeah…I won’t curse this noise anymore. This is the most lovely noise to my ears. Let’s make some noise my dear loved ones. I will call myself very lucky if I can hear this noise as long as I breathe.

Please don’t stop that noise. I will tolerate all my beings for this heavenly noise. I don’t care about that stupid silence cos it’s gonna be there waiting for me when this noise runs its course.

 

Pleaseee…Don’t Stop That Noise….

I Am Stronger Than What You Think...

I had almost a heated argument with a customer a few days ago. It could have crushed my whole day if I let it. Though I am quite vocal and opinionated, I am actually a person who dislikes arguments. It shows one of my biggest weaknesses because I’m a crybaby, I hate criticisms, I hate when people get angry with me, and most of all…I HATE STRESS. When I got angry so much, I cry. I hate it when I cry.

I DON’T BELIEVE that something worthwhile is EASY TO GET. And for that matter, why am I wondering that someday, someone would come to my life and turn things upside down for me? I don’t believe that I won’t get the most difficult customer that she could make me want to smash something on her face. Yeah…that bad. Imagine.

I DON’T BELIEVE that even how good I am, how friendly, polite and gentle I am, nobody is born just to make the life of someone like me, into a living hell. Yes, I don’t have to look for long…I found one already.

But I BELIEVE, that after all…this difficult customer is there for a unique reason. I believe that without a difficult customer like her, I would not learn something more valuable. I would oversee my own weaknesses. Despite all the compliments that I have received my whole life, I am actually still very careless, clumsy and negligence. I sometimes take things for granted and I easily got distracted. And the worse thing is…I don’t know how dangerous those weaknesses can be. I NEVER intend to treat them. I never intend to improve. Because of the attitude of always looking at the POSITIVE SIDE, I forgot that it won’t change the negative sides. And that, I must do something.

There could be a few more other difficult customers like her, BUT I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Maybe if I were BETTER, they would not stand a chance to be THAT difficult. If I were the better Twofivesix[256], they might not be a bad customer. That’s a challenge for me. How do I know? I JUST KNOW.

I THANK LORD because He gave me strength. This strength gives me the courage to smile during my times of trouble, and one thing that amazes me about this strength, I find it even harder and harder to give up. And people don’t understand it, and they don’t have to. They don’t know that I am NOT faking it. I truly don’t feel even that close to giving up.

No, people don’t know how strong I am. I may show them how fragile I am. I am So So Fragile…that I scare my loved ones that I would got myself “broken in pieces” anytime. Because of me being fragile, people got even more afraid than I do, that when I face the hard time, I might not know how to handle it, I might not survive it. Omigawd. How wrong they are. It’s like, “Are you sure you’re okay?” And whatever that comes out from my mouth that tells them that I am doing VERY OKAY…they won’t buy it. They would simply nod to make me happy. They pretend to believe so that they don’t break my heart.

Once again…I tell you…I am OKAY, and I mean it. I have much much strength left in me and I am not even close to going down. I am VERY VERY strong and I don’t have to prove it, because as long as I know that I am strong, that’s all that matters. What if my strength runs out? No, I don’t have to worry at all. I HAVE GOD :)