A Captain's Story

This has something to do with the post “It’s Never Too Late For Anything”, I mentioned about “the man with speeds” – and here he is.

He bumped into me last year. It was a brief encounter and we got to talk a bit. What dragged us into further conversation was when we found out that we were graduated from the same institution. We opened story by story, question by question. Maybe from there, he was feeling comfortable talking with me and started to get into his personal stories. He’s married with a Sabahan lady, with 3 kids now. He mentioned about his daily work as a Captain – he said it’s almost meetings and he has to put up an act that he’s actually enjoy his job. The way he described it, he was doing the job as a source of income and nothing else. It’s his qualification that entitled him to secure the position. With the income of handsome 4-figure, moving around with a driver at his service, he has pretty much nothing to worry about.

Then he went into his colleagues’ afterwork activities. They would party all they like. The masculinity in their job sort of giving them the green light that it’s their nature to party with karaoke-ing and girls, of course. He said that some of his friends would line up 3 GROs for one nite, especially for single men. He said jokingly that he envied his single friends, because they could get girls easily. It’s not the same with him because he found it hard to get the girls because of his married status. Well, I would describe this man as handsome, tall and dark Malay man. He is decent and well-mannered, but wait until you hear more.

He started to get into his marriage life. Admitting that he was the famous Casanova back in college years – he dated girls from all races. He dated one girl after another just for the fun of it. That’s what he did. He said there’s only one girl that he actually truly loved, and he knew the girl for 13 years already. The girl was once his girlfriend but then she dumped him because she couldn’t stand him being a womanizer. So he had to let her go. He thought he could get over her but he failed. So moving on with his life, he set a target that he MUST get married after graduation. So after graduation, he was looking for a girl to marry to meet his target. The girl he loved was seeing someone else that time and then there was another girl who loved him. Without much thinking, he picked the girl who loved him. He married her – thinking that he would learn to love her eventually. What’s most important is, HIS TARGET to get married. After 3 kids, he said his heart was still with the girl he loved. “I thought I could get over her now that we have 3 kids. I’m wrong. I went to see psychotherapist for counseling, tried anything just so I could forget the girl, but I couldn’t. I’M SUFFERING INSIDE.”

“There’s no way I can let people know what I’m feeling inside. I have this unfulfilled longing feelings because I feel that my heart is empty. Yes I do love my wife but it’s just different. She’s my wife, of course I love her. But my heart feels so empty.”

After listening to him, then I asked…

“Why did you marry the girl you didn’t love?”

“Because she’s the only one there for me, that time. I needed to get married because I set the target that I MUST get married after I graduated.”

“Why didn’t you wait for a little while until you are settled with the best choice? What’s with this target thing anyway? Why it was such a hurry to get married after graduation?”

“You don’t understand. When a man sets a target, he MUST fulfill it. Otherwise, he’s considered a loser. It’s important for men to reach their target in time.”

“Oh really. So why are you here regretting about “ a fulfilled target?” To me it makes no difference. It still ends you up quite pathetically. Feeling empty and lost in this seemingly good life you’re having. So is the target worth it, or not?”

“If only I knew I was going to end up like this, I could have waited for her. I regret it that I get married in such a hurry.”

“Try to forget her. You have your wife. Make your wife fill that empty space.”

“You don’t understand. A man will never forget his first love. Men can look strong and all, but you don’t know what they are feeling inside. And it’s not easy to make my wife fill that empty space because my heart is with someone else”

“Where is she now?”

“She’s married as second wife. I want to marry her if she could get a divorce.”

Enough. I ask you again, there’s nothing wrong in setting target about when do you want to achieve something – but if it’s not a matter or life and death, you can always adjust your target so that you could settle for the best. I mean, in his case, it’s pity that after doing everything to achieve his targets, he still feels empty in the end. I just feel that he makes the targets to fulfil the community expectation. He wanted to be looked successful because he’s following the standards that people set. I want to say, Poor him, because he must be feeling very empty to speak to a stranger like me and pour out his grievance- that he could not even say it to his own wife. I could see the pressure in his tone as he spoke. It was pity to be in his shoes.

I proved my theory right that when you do something because you want to put a good mask just to buy impressions – you could end up like him. To me, the best should happen in the heart. If the best is for other people to see but you’re feeling all wrecked up inside, you’ll end up like him. You need help.

And after the conversation, maybe he felt a sense of relief. He said that he had not laughed for a long time, until he met me. He felt like he enjoyed my company and that’s when he asked ask me, “Can we be friends?” Then I went, “Errr…well. No problem. If I have free time like this, I think we can talk a bit.” He said, “No I mean like we go out together after work, I take you to dinner, all that stuff. If you don’t mind. If you want “more”, I don’t mind.”

What??? He said it directly that he would want me to be his “secret companion”. That’s when he actually lost a bit of respect that I had for him, if I had any. Not enough with being “proudly” pathetic, he is officially A DESPERADO!! *Lols. Wearing nice working outfit, people would easily get fooled by his impressions. Impressions and nothing else.

I gave excuses because I was not interested. He made a decision he wasn’t happy of, bumping into me and I lent my ears, now you gonna drag me to “slow down that process of emptiness”? *Lols. NO WAY. I’m not a guardian angel who is there at your service, when you make a wrong move, you will have to pay for it. The moral is, try to listen to your heart and guts instead of listening to others. Don’t make a fool of yourself.

Another aspect of this story is --- Even if you are trapped like that, at least spare yourself some pride and value. If I were a real counselor, I would already feel sorry for you. Don’t burn the last piece of respect that I spare for you by making stupid invitation like that. Actually, this captain came to my place for the second time and made a really obvious “invitation” to “spend” time with me (with the remark, “but my wife shouldn’t know about this”). It was so stupid to end up the encounter like that – because instead of giving it a good farewell, he received a clear rejection. He came again the next time, I pretended I never saw him. Luckily he was A Captain who has face to save, so he still acts decently and understands my reactions.

You can be handsome, you can have a lot of money and power, but if you do something indecent like that, You Are A Loser in my eyes. So, want to speed so much, people? Up to you. Just that, don’t end up like him.

Note: I actually feel very pity to his wife. The last person who should know that his wife doesn’t own his heart and doesn’t make him feel happy, is a stranger like me. Hope they can make up for it.