A MakeOver For A Good Friend

The Prediction I Wish Would Come True

Earlier this year, I made a post about a prediction for my zodiac this year. Of all the things there, I’m only interested in one thing. If it predicts about my career, I know it’s all up to my own effort. I won’t buy it. If it says something about problems and difficulties that I would face, I just cross my fingers so nothing bad would happen. But what enlightens me is when it says something about the love thingy and the prediction that I am referring to said it in clear sentence that I AM GOING TO FALL IN LOVE this year. Hahahahaha. Omigawdd…do you guys think I’m kidding?

6 Months to go. I want to see if this prediction can come true.

*Lols.

P/S: Kidding!!! Hahahaahhaah

Harga Sebuah Gembira

When I was growing up as a teen, I had a few hobbies that were really a waste to other people. I loved making scrap books and collect magazines and even real pictures of my favourite singers. I also liked to buy foreign entertainment magazines that cost me so much for a student to bear. Looking at my collections, my dad told me once, “One day you’ll regret keeping all that stuff. You will see for yourself when the time comes.”

Since that day, I tried to think over what my dad said to me. Could I regret this one day? I tried to make that Regret come sooner so I didn’t have to wait. But I failed. I failed to regret. So after years of leaving those hobbies behind, I still have those collections kept safely in a box. Ask me again if I feel regret spending time and money over the hobbies that time. Ask me again, would u?

Guess what. NO, I don’t regret it still. Until this time. I’m sorry that I don’t regret FOR DOING WHAT I LIKE. When I was in that age, what I did made me so happy. It was how I experience life by exploring my interests. I’m sorry that I had to waste so much money and I’m sorry if my obsession with my favourite singers made me look like a freak. So sorry. But if u asked me, I TOTALLY enjoyed my life that time. If u ask me is it wise to spend money on things like that, I can answer you a clear NO. But please, it makes me so happy that time. I might spend the money I could use to buy books, but this is more than just that. If that’s the price of my happiness, then at least my happiness can be defined with material and I was in the capacity to meet that definition.

As we grow older, we change hobbies and interests. Now I tend to blog almost everyday. This hobby might not be as expensive. But it could consume time and the time that I consume for blogging could be a time for work – which appears to be more important. If you ask me, of course I know that work is on top but sorry that I still love to visit my blog even if I have to steal my work time. If u ask me why,..”Cos it makes me happy.” You don’t understand. This isn’t just about money. This isn’t about being wise on how to spend money and manage time. I could continue doing my job without distraction and gain so much more in terms of income and profit. But knowing that I restraint myself from doing something I like, what is the meaning of this life without that indulgence in what we like. Let me just steal some time and make myself happy with what I like to do. I’m sorry if this looks like I’m wasting my time. But you don’t know how happy it makes me. You can never know. I know there’s a price for this happiness. But let me pay the price. I just want my happiness.

So what my dad told me was not right in my case. Because my concept is always right to begin with. I do this not because I try to make people happy. I do this because it makes me happy. If wasting money buying vcd, magazines, tapes, pictures of my fav singers make me happy when I was 17, I could NOT REGRET that decision 5 years later when I get matured enough to think that my old hobbies only wasted money. NO, I could not. My decision when I was 17 was what made me happy that time. I already had the happiness. The happiness that I had that time contributes to my wellbeing today. So I could not regret anything. I’m only enjoying life. I did not disturb people’s life. I did not steal or kill or frame people just to get this happiness. So little reason to make me regret anything.

So if you get the concept right from day one, trust me you have a very little room for regrets. The challenge is that you have to indulge yourself “with manners”. You don’t just go break the rules and ruin people’s lives and claim that “This makes me happy.” No. If you play foul, trust me u will give your happiness a bad name and that, Regrets is just the next best thing for you. To play it fair doesn’t mean that happiness is for free. But make sure you pay the price that is worth it.

Make sure u gonna make that smile linger…. You paid the price, you claim the prize. And the prize is Your Happiness. No rooms for regrets :)

Nice Blouse Or...?

Today I’m wearing one of the latest favourite blouses. It’s not tight at all and very comfortable to wear. It doesn’t really show the shape of the body but I still think it gives justice to the womanly curve. Hehe.

A few weeks ago, I attended a family gathering. I wore this same blouse I’m wearing today. After the prayer session, one of the relatives came straight to get me. I was a bit shocked because she never talked to me before. The way she came to get me, I thought there was something really important that she wanted to tell me. Guess what…

“Nice oo baju kau. Di mana kau beli ni?” she asked me while she kept staring at “something”.

Then I thought, “Doii…pasal baju pula. Ingatkan apa tadi”

Then I answered her, “Err…This blouse ka…Di mana sudah sia beli tu ahh… Oh, this one sia beli saaaaanaaaaaaaaaaa Penampang, kalau nda silap laa..” (*Lols)

She added, “Jauh jugaaa. Ndakan la sia mau pigi sana mau beli baju ja kan.”

“Yaa jauh la juga…tapi memang sana la sia beli ni.” I said.

“Nice oo kan? Tinguk tu pattern dia di chest tu pun…cantik oo…”, while looking closely at my “chest”. *Lols. The blouse has a different pattern on the chest area. It’s very simple but gives so much difference to the whole presentation. The way she stared, made me think jokingly, Omigawd, did she mean the blouse of the boobs? Cos she kept staring at that area. Hahaahahahahahaha. Not trying to sound funny, but it happens sometimes. I remember I have this one friend who always look at other girls’ boobs as we went out together. She always commented on the boobs, whether the size is too small or too big – but enough for me to say that there are ladies who “appreciate” the view of other ladies’ breast. Whether they are not so happy with their own, or they are just sharing the happiness with giving remarks like “This blouse looks good on you.”

I am not sure if this one was one of those cases. Hahahahahahaha. But luckily she’s a female. Cos I imagine reacting differently if it were a guy who asked me that. So don’t stare too long at “u know where” cos she won’t buy it if you use the excuse of “wow…nice blouse”. If I get so nasty, I’ll say, “Jan la kau tambirang sana. You mean the boobs ba ni kan??” Hahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…nasty nasty…

Morning everyone! Heheheehe. I didn’t jadi take a break from my blog. Cos I sayang my babyblog so much ba.. *Lols (Padahal semalam ada ba ni urang tagih2 update di blog. Sampaikan kalau nda siap satu post, karang nda nyenyak titun. Hahahaahahaha)

The Goodnite Hug

What my friend told me made me thinking…

“Even how bad the day was, whether or not we have arguments or misunderstanding, the day must be ended with a hug. Before we sleep, I always turn to my husband and remind him about the hug. I would say to him, “What if today is our last night together? A hug could me A Clean Slate to everything bad that has happened earlier that day. A hug could mean, “We forgive and forget”. A hug could remind both of us once again that “We do love each other.” So that’s why she and her husband make it a habit to hug each other before they go to sleep. Oh, That’s So Sweet :)

She’s right about one thing especially. What if the nite is the last nite that we have with the person beside us? The goodnite hug for that nite could be the last hug and the most remembered gesture that we bring in the memory of the person we love so much. It’s whether You or Him/Her who would not there tomorrow for another goodnite hug.

“Never fail to let the person know how much you love and care for him cos none of us know if there’s another tomorrow for both of you.”

Kisah Si Penjual Kuih

Macam2 profession di dunia ni. Kalau budak kecil ditanya, Mau jadi apa? Yang biasa kita akan dengar adalah doctor, peguam, cikgu, polis dan lain2 lagi profession glamour. Speaking of “Profession pilihan” – usually based on what? Salary? Prestij?

But as bitter as it is, maybe bukan semua kita bernasib baik untuk dapat profession yang glamour tu. Bila sampai masanya, rupanya kita tidak pun layak untuk dapat jawatan yang kita sebut tu. Atau mungkin kita layak, tapi kita dapati yang minat kita bukan pada bidang tu. Macam2 sebab. Dan speaking of profession, sia teringat cikgu sia pernah cakap – Biarlah yang malas tu…Kalau semua mau jadi boss, sepa mau jadi kuli? Masa tu sia rasa cikgu sia jahat betul cakap mcm tu. Tapi memang betul pun apa dia cakap. Tapi speaking of Not becoming a Boss, jangan pandang sebelah mata dengan lain2 profession yg tidak glamour.

Kemarin sia spent sikit masa speaking with this lady – Guess what, dia punya kerja ni lain sikit dari most of us. Imagine la kita bangun awal, stuck di traffic and then terperap di ofis buat kerja nda siap2, tengok2 wallet makin nipis. Silap2 kena meminjam lagi dari mom or dad untuk pocket money sampailah next gaji. This lady punya jadual memang berbeza. Dia relaks habis2 dari Isnin sampai lah Jumaat pagi, dan hanya akan bekerja pada Jumaat petang sampai Ahad petang. Yes, dialah salah seorang penjual kuih dan makanan lain di tamu hujung minggu. Bila nampak muka dia ni kalau berlimpas, “Ah, yang jual kuih di tamu tu”. Confirm la keja dia tu nda glamour. Tapi sebelum cakap mcm tu, check dulu poket sendiri tu ada isi ka inda. You guys tau ka dia ni dapat pendapatan RM800 – RM1k seminggu? And guess what, hanya dalam masa full 2 hari yang dia dapat pendapatan mcm tu. Pendapatan Bersih here, people! Sudah tolak bahan2 mentah dan macam2. This amount is left to spend! Di tamu tu kamu tau la, bukan sorang dua ja jual makanan. Mau ada sampai 40, 50 penjual! This lady ni considered “not so famous” around sebab kedudukan dia di hujung dan sadly to say, sia sendiri pun tidak pernah beli makanan tempat dia ni kalau sia pegi tamu. Sepa sangka, dia buat loan RM10k daripada Amanah Ikhtiar pun dia bayar ngam2 satu tahun. Dan masa dia pegi buat loan tu, dia bukan guna pun duit tu. RM6k dia simpan ASB. Lain lagi masa ada carnival or pasaria di sekolah, dia boleh dapat lebih RM1k dalam masa sehari saja dengan hanya menjual minuman di cup. Lain lagi bulan puasa. Last year punya puasa, dia dapat pendapatan 1 bulan tu dalam RM8k. Dia, anak dan mama dia berhempas pulas. Dia bagitau sia reason dia tidak ambil pekerja adalah sebab dia sudah pernah kecurian dan one thing yang dia sempat share with me, “Kita tidak boleh tamak.” Means, dia berjual ikut kemampuan dia saja. Kalau rasa buat kuih tu nda larat, dia cuma jual minuman saja. “Kasi can sama orang lain.” Itu konsep dia. So satu bulan punya cerita, si anak sudah dapat beli handycam impian dia. Next puasa, dia sudah pok mau beli laptop pula.

Speaking of pendapatan, itu sudah dalam RM4k satu bulan, dengan 4 hari masa REHAT. What do you think? Dengan sewa di tamu tu cuma RM6, biarpun cuma berpayung dan bermeja. Tiadalah setanding ofis2 orang yang ada aircond dan carpet. Tapi sewa ofis pun sudah lebih kurang RM1k satu bulan. Pendapatan cuma berapa. Bayar lagi pekerja yang ada kelulusan dan lain2 belanja modal pusing, silap2 negatif lagi! Tapi confirm la menang gaya dan prestij. Tapi itu belum kira dalam hati tu happy atau tidak. Bila cakap pasal duit ja pun sebenarnya pendapatan untuk pegawai biasa pun sudah kalah dengan pendapatan penjual kuih tu. So jangan kita pandang sebelah mata profesion yang macam tu, sebab dorang ni lebih rasa kehidupan tu. Dorang dapat rehat, dapat rasa kerja berabis and merasa juga nampak hasil titik peluh tu, dapat simpan di bank lagi. Boleh dikatakan, perkara2 yang we wish we can do dengan profession impian kita, sebenarnya kita tidak dapat buat dengan kerja makan gaji kita sekarang, but surprisingly, mampu dibuat oleh seorang penjual kuih. Memang hidup ni penuh misteri. Sometimes, seeing is not enough. We have to spare some time and see how others live their lives then we can learn so much things that life is more than just the 7 colours of rainbow. Life is not as simple as grade A to D cos when we study closely, the D is actually A in terms of life quality. Wow… :) Another wonder discovered.

“I Will Never Fall For Ya”

You meet new people, from strangers to new friends—you can tell one thing. “I will never fall in love with this person.” Not necessarily because u think the person is not good enough, but it’s always because you have a certain criteria for your dream guy and decided that the new person doesn’t have it. So how well can u rely on this?

I have come across guys who initially believed that I am way out of the league. At least in my experience so far, whether they might think I talk too much, or I think too much, but they also found that I am intellectually intimidating, that they thought I was a little too smart. It’s individual’s opinion. Maybe it has something to do with their manly ego and stuff. But more than one case so far in my life, the guys actually broke their own word. The same guy who months ago told me that he would never fall in love with me, actually forgot that he said something like that. The next thing I know, he was saying words of love and suggest that we take it another step ahead. In one case, I actually brought up about it and the guy said, “Now it is different. Now I think smart girls are hot.” Or is that just an easy excuse?

So what happen? Are months long enough for you to remember something like that? How on earth that you guys change your mind so fast? I think it happens a lot to the girls too. The guy that she thinks is less favorable becomes the guy that she ends up falling in love with. It sounds a bit funny, isn’t it?

I have a new concept of “attractiveness” between male and female. I believe that you can never answer accurately what kind of person you could fall in love with. Maybe you can easily say that you like girls with long hair and skinny body. But wait a little while and see who you fall in love with. She could be totally the opposite!! I still believe that attractiveness seems to be very much the job of the eyes, but it’s more than that. It’s how connected you feel with the person, and how much joy the person can bring you when she’s around and stuff life that. Suddenly you don’t care if she has long hair or not. Suddenly you can tolerate with her bigger size. Eventually you have to admit that maturity and experience help you to evaluate people beyond their physical values. “There’s something else behind all this criteria thing. It just doesn’t work all the time.”

To me, I also would say something like that to certain guys. Like, I’m very sure this guy or that guy isn’t my type. No way I’ll ever fall in love with him. But at least, my way of evaluating someone is not the same as most people do. I think I am being realistic with my criteria. I won’t say that I won’t fall for the guy just by the way he looks. Nope. I already know that it’s not always about looks. But it’s not always the case for some people. They just randomly say to the person that, “I’m sure I’m going to love you as a friend and not more” just to find out that they forget that said it. So if I were the person who was the target in that case, I would just smile cynically and shake my head. Maybe it’s just how it works. It’s a work of Mr. Cupid that strikes the arrow straight to your heart. By the time you say, No! Don’t! , it’s already too late. You start to feel that tingle and overwhelming feeling that you want so much to tell the person how special he/she is to you. Sometimes the feeling is too much for you to bear.

So before you even say it confidently that You will NEVER fall in love with someone, you should slow down on that thought because that soft feeling is very strange. Sometimes you try so much to avoid it, but you still fail. You would have to surrender to the fact that you can never tell what the future bring :)

My Blessings…

Ntah why tiba2 terpikir pula mau merenung hidup sia pada ketika dan saat ini. Entah kenapa, I feel soo soo grateful dengan life yang sia ada ni. Bukannya pasal life sia ni bagus sangat pun. Ramai lagi di keliling sia yang ada life yang jauh lebih baik dan selesa dari sia. Looking at myself pun, I am not even at my best form. I still don’t wear what I wish I could wear, and I’m still not making as much money as my friends. Tapi entah laaa…kenapa pula sia rasa best betul dengan life sia ni. Ishhh…kenapa ba ni? (*Lols)

Well…pikir punya pikir kan... Maybe it’s true la kalau mau dibandingkan dengan orang lain, sia ni mcm semut api ja. Kici dan nda pun kana tinguk. But ntah la. In a way I think that benda tu semua tidak penting langsung. Sebab, dorang kaya ka atau tidak, hidup sia tetap hidup sia. So kamu nda rasa lucu ka kamurang sibuk mau banding2 and then feel down dengan diri sendiri? Doii…sia sudah lalui semua Mind Journey tu. Sia pernah rasa apa kamu rasa. But tiba2 sia nda rasa mcm tu lagi. Bukan sebab ada org nasihat sia supaya jangan buat gitu. Tapi sia sendiri pun boleh pikir. Sudah sia cakap kan di post sia yang dulu, kita ni BUKAN berlumba pun. Lain2 punya track. Kau lari bila kau mau, gitu juga dengan sia. So sia punya track, sia punya pasal la. Yang penting sia happy and enjoy. Mungkinkah sia sudah jumpa the formula? You know what, whatever it is, IT DOESN’T MATTER AT ALL!!!

Sia sangat bersyukur ada parents yang begitu baik hati dan begitu care sama anak2 dorang. I think my parents la parents paling cumil oo… Hehehe. Kin ketawa ba gaya dorang tu. Hahaha. Then I have my sister yang sangat generous dan tidak berkira dengan kami. Without her, banyak benda yang susah untuk sia. Then I have my 2 handsome brothers, one is very skillful and one is so brainy. Among the guys yang begitu bright, God picked 2 to be my brothers. God is soo good to me. And then, I feel sooo blessed with my work now. Biarpun work cikai2 saja, tapi entahlah why sia sangat happy dengan work sia. I love my new workplace…yang buat sia rasa sangat bertuah sebab sia boleh rasa kesungguhan dan semangat juang yang nda pandai padam. Wow… entah dari mana datang motivation ni. I always remember I was a very cengeng girl yang tidak boleh ditegur, mesti merajuk dan nangis. Tapi I’m still here oh. Macamana lagi sia nda rasa syukur sama God sebab diri dan hidup sia yang kecil ini, rupanya banyak keberkatan. Sampai I can’t say it enough with words ba.

And look at my life now…Sia sangat bersyukur biarpun sia ni banyak kelemahan, tapi God bagi sia peluang untuk berubah dan perbaiki diri sia. Maybe ada juga berkatnya keras kepala sia ni. Kalau tidak keras kepala, lama sudah sia patah balik. Sia bersyukur sebab ada kesilapan yang sia buat, yang boleh membawa masalah besar sama sia, but God tulung juga sia dgn menjadikan keadaan memihak pada sia. Syukur yang teramat sangat. Entah macamana lagi sia mau cakap. Beyond words sudah ni. Lepas tu God bagi sia kekuatan untuk tempuhi cabaran2 kecil sama ada secara emosi atau minda. Kalau nda, lama sudah sia biarkan cabaran2 tu melemahkan sia. Then sia sangat syukur juga dengan orang2 yang God let me meet. Biarpun kawan2 sia tidaklah ramai, tapi kawan2 sia yang ada ni betul2 menghargai sia. So grateful God bagi sia kawan2 yang sangat hebat mcm dorang. Sia terharu, dan sia sudah slowly learn how to express to my friends mcamana sia hargai dorang. And then, sia syukur yang tidak terhingga to God, sebab banyak benda beyond yang control yang He helped me untuk handle. Sia syukur sebab biarpun ada orang2 yang tidak hargai kehadiran sia dalam hidup dorang, ada juga orang2 lain yang betul2 make me feel that my presence matters in their lives. And also, biarpun sia seorang kawan yang tidak sempurna, I have friends who trust me with their secrets. These people make me realize even more how blessed I am.

Selain tu, sia juga sangat bersyukur setiap perkara dalam diri sia yang mejadikan sia diri sia sekarang. I thank you Lord atas setiap kelebihan sia dan juga kekurangan yang mampu sia perbaiki and most importantly untuk sia sekarang adalah MENGHARGAI semua perkara baik yang berlaku di dalam hidup sia. If I have a home to stay and foods to keep me going – I will be thankful for every piece that you give me God. And deep inside my heart, I keep this wish that semoga I will not stop appreciating my blessings. I want to love those who love me. I want to care for those who care for me. I want to be there for those who are there for me during my times of needs and please let me use this lifetime to use all my blessings to give something good to everyone who knows me and may those good things shine my life as it will keep my heart smiling until my last day.

By then and there I would know if I have lived a life that MATTERS. :)

Thank You Lord for my blessings.

The Hulk In You: How Bad Can You Become?

Hulk was only an ordinary guy until someone makes him angry. He would turn into a big green monster and take on the bad guy. Have you ever thought that Incredible Hulk is just the symbolic to each of us when we lose control of ourselves over anger? Could there be an Incredible Hulk in each of us? What do you think?

Last nite I had a chat with Consen about this. We spoke about the time when our anger got the better of us. It was a bit shocking to find out what he had done when some guys didn’t keep their word and I also told him how I chased out a salesman from my office, and how I scolded a bus driver because of being hours late and how I almost canceled a job deal with the guys who did not follow my time. Yes, sometimes we got embarrassed to even tell people what we did when we reach the limit of our anger. Suddenly we are not so sure if we were still the same person, wearing the same heart and mind. I mean, where are all those bad language and violence come from? Are they always there inside us or the Satan successfully injected them into us when we give in to our temper? Ouch!!

But when I told my side of story, I was not that embarrassed actually. Although my family would agree that I am a bit short-tempered but I have a very rational mind. I have face to save and I do believe in self-value. Once I give in to anger, I will have to give up SO MUCH things – even my principles are shaken. If you make me say bad words to you, you think it’s just you who get the punishment? I got punished too because taking out my anger is A LOST BATTLE between good and evil. Even if someone deserves you get that dose of punch-kick from you, but that’s a different story. This is about YOU and the battle inside you. Bad people will come and go. But do you gonna make them turn you into an Incredible Hulk everytime they do or say something bad? I have this thought that everytime I say something bad for revenge, it only makes me feel so stupid and embarrassed in the end. From a very cool and sensible person, someone just make me leash out my weaknesses by showing it IN PUBLIC that I am NOT that cool and sensible actually.

Losing our sanity over anger is really an act of immaturity. So before we even do anything that we gonna regret, THINK twice. I do agree anyway that some thugs do deserve Hulk treatment from us but this is MORE than just about other people. If you just let them pass u without them hurting your pride, That’s Bingo. You can’t let some stupid people successfully turning you into “one of them” by a little attempt to step on your toes. There are ways of “teaching people a lesson” and Violence is considered “almost out of the list” cos in this case, we want to do it With Honour. You speak the right word, you act the right way – they will get their lesson. That’s how I do it these days. No more turning into an crazy angry lion and embarrassed yourself. Hulk era is OVER people. Nowadays, people are using The Mind Game to get to others. Just like what I did to my old landlord last week. He violated the verbal agreement without my approval, I took my stuff out from his premis without telling him. He was trying to be a bad guy at one point, but I did not play that rough. Instead I showed him that he might unintentionally be a bad guy, but I am who I am. I want to do the right thing. He couldn’t simply trigger the Hulk inside me cos I proved that my Mind is stronger than my temper. So maybe he learnt a big lesson just by how I settled it. I even wrote him a cheque to "repay" him. It's Good Vs Evil and Evil lost. Try it guys…tell me how it feels to be able to be in control of your anger. Yes, there’s a Hulk inside you but he won’t come out if you don’t let him to :)

Help Me To Help You!!

I bet each of you has this thought before. You find all the reasons to look down on your own life. Everything you do just didn’t work. You thought you have tried enough, but in vain. You felt like the whole world was making fun of you. Another attempt to change your luck would only put you in a deeper emotional dilemma. You thought you have found a dead road. You’ve got nowhere to go. You were stuck there, crying silently, mourning over the cloud of bad luck that never leaves your way. You wanted to cry out but you felt like it won’t make a freaking difference. You’re cursed with a bad unfortunate life!! Ouch! Sounds famlliar?

Sadly to admit that most of the cases of unfortunate people are actually a result of their own doing. No kidding. They lied to people even about the smallest thing and they cheated people when they have the chance of playing rough, they borrow money by making fake stories and never pay, and they don’t pray, and they prefer spending hours sleeping than to wake up and do something – and the list goes on. Maybe you guys should do the checklist to examine whether or not you are THAT Unfortunate or you’re just UNGRATEFUL. I have relatives whose lives are like that. I feel so deep for them when I learn that whetever they touch, turned into stone instead of gold. It’s almost like a jinx. But when I go deeper into each case, I could see HOW and WHY things are starting to screw up from a point in their lives. No, they are NOT even unfortunate. These people are blessed with many things some of us don’t have. It’s so so unfair to see them end up mourning about their own lives. Do you get my point? You won’t even get to eat if you don’t put that food inside your mouth. The concept is the same. If you are blessed with many abilities but you are just feeling happy with what you have, this is gonna spell disaster. Blessings won’t make you blessed if you don’t use them!! These people are lazy, they want to get rich easy, they don’t play by the rules and they are not even honest with themselves. U want to reach the moon and stars with those attitudes?

In the other hands, I have relatives who work so hard and earn very little. They never find the stop to wake up everyday on time and rush to work just to chase a small amount of money just enough to not make them starved. These people work hard for every penny they mak. But they never stop trying. I know they gonna reach somewhere, someday.

That’s how I found this little concept. When I gamble with something whether or not it would work…I put ALL my heart and soul into it. I knew that maybe I was unfortunate in the things that I want, but the choice is to work hard and do it the right way. I believe that God always wants to help me. He wants to give me some luck. He wants to make things smoothly for me so I could get where I want to be. He will look at my heart, whether or not I have a good intention for what I’m doing. He will see how much I want something because I just can’t give up. I believe that God WANTS TO HELP US, but HE WANTS us to show him WHY He should help us achieve what we want. I always tell myself this, “I want to give God the reasons why He should help me.” Cos I believe that even if He loves me, it doesn’t mean that He will just give me anything without me earning it. So to those who are UNFORTUNATE because you choose to be Helpless, Hopeless and Lazy… Don’t blame other people for your bad life cos I could not help you, they could not help you, even GOD can’t help you because until you learn how to Help yourself first, others can’t freaking help you. You want to get out of that bad life? Then Help God to Help You!! Work hard and struggle! He will give His mercy on those who earn that Help. :)

Note: Then help yourself :)

Should Love End Friendship?

A friendship and chemistry that happen so beautifully doesn’t deserve to end. And what? The friendship ends because of LOVE?

Why people keep giving Love a bad name? Why people use Love to kill one of the most sacred and undemanding unions between human beings, called Friendship?

In the midst of people complaining that finding a true friend is very tough, people who have them are not making it so easy for themselves too. If a friendship is sooo good that tempt you to fall in love with your own friend, Ask yourself if you’re strong enough to face the consequences. Ask yourself if This is going to make your friendship better. Ask yourself if this Love isn’t going to put a bad label to a friendship that has blossomed and cheered the heart. Ask yourself if you can handle this without destroying what’s good. Ask yourself if you would put your friendship on the line just because you want more than just a friendship.

Guess what? From my experience, I could not bear another pain losing my friendship because someone breaks the rule of the game. I could not bear losing another friend just because Love knocks the heart. I could not stand another excruciating heartache because my friendship was thrown away just because Love could not fit well to replace the friendship. I DON’T want to lose another friendship because of some freaking emotion you people call Love. It must be something else cos it’s it’s love, it shouldn’t KILL a FRIENDSHIP!!! Don't you think??

If this is what you call love that kills the friendship, then we MUST SET THE RULE from here!! If you call someone a friend, then DON’T FALL IN LOVE with that friend. Just when you guys want to be greedy, you realize that you guys are only BEST as friends and not more. Maybe when we start to have a rule in friendships, we won't hear so much how friendships end tragically. And the reason is,...LOVE?? Freaking kidding me. I don't want this to happen again cos to me I could not exchange friendships with anything else. I want some people to know that my heart is aching very badly and I don't deserve to feel this way because I know how to differentiate Friendship and Love. I knew it that something bad is going to happen if this rule is broken. I just knew it. If people say Love gonna hurt so much, then we don't need another thing to add to the list.

It's strictly Friendship and nothing more. If that friendship is at stake, then the rule is, Never Fall In Love with your own friend. Yes, I'm crazy but I don't want to lose my friendship anymore, Not because of Love. *Sighs!!

Justice For You….

People always say, What you give you get back. People often speak of Karma. I don’t understand why people have to ruin their lives on the things that don’t work out for them. I don’t understand why we keep waiting for the people who don’t even care to come back. I don’t understand why we keep hoping for the love that has gone away and I don’t understand why we torture ourselves too much buy trying to give to those who don’t ask, and ask for things from those who don’t want to give. We need to change from here. Enough is enough. Let’s do ourselves justice. Justice should serve NOW!!

Why should trap our bird pet to stay in the cage when freedom is all it wants? Why do we have to wet our pillows thinking about the love that has gone when there are many worthy people who would appreciate that love? WHY?

Do I need to be on my knees to fight for what I want? To lose the last piece of my pride? To bring down my self value and be a beggar? Didn’t the history see it all already? Do we need more histories to be written that way? Are we people need to be looked like a pity when we keep bringing ourselves down when we can actually bring it up? WHY are we doing it this way??? WHY????

I bet you people also don’t understand. You don’t understand why is it so hard for other people to appreciate good deeds that you do for them. You people don’t understand why the people u love cannot see the value of your sacrifices. You people don’t understand why your heart has to be crushed like that when you give 110% of yourself to make them see how much you care for them. Don’t you guys realize how long we have been living in a world full of injustice?

Despite all that, I’m looking for a solution. I can’t let this happen again. If you guys have the guts to speak about Justice, then be the first one to practice it. If people treat you the way you don’t deserve, Fine…Just give them back the same dose. If people waste your love on them, Fine…then cease to love them. If people lie to you…Fine…Then don’t offer the truth. If people are disloyal to you…Fine, take back your loyalty.

I won’t beg. I won’t try to change anyone. This isn’t in the name of payback but take this as my last piece of love to teach you back How to live a life. If you want so much, you must be willing to give so much. If you want respect, give it first. If you want that love back, EARN IT!! I don’t see why I need to feel guilty when people don’t feel guilty doing it to me in the first place. Call me a robot, call my heart a stone – cos I’ll be more worried about the people who just expect things to unfold nicely for them cos “I sweat my soul out just to have one happy moment. Nobody is going to treat you like a baby. Make that freaking grown-up now and one day you’ll be happy someone told you so. And the next time you know, you’re telling someone the exact thing I’m telling you.

I believe in Justice. I just want justice for myself, as much as justice for the people I love and the people who love me. I just want you to get Justice for You. Make Justice Work for you. Do something good to get something good. As simple as that. :)

The Lurve Bites

Ada sorang customer sia ni selalu datang and lepak tempat keja sia. To describe her a bit – dia ni memang selekeh2 sikit. Owez in her t-shirt and loose pants. She’s happily married dengan her old time lover but nda berapa ngam dengan mentua dia. Ada2 saja yang dicakap oleh mentua dia tu yang buat dia kecil hati. So one day maybe dia overheard perbualan mentua dia yg complen pasal dia so dia ambil keputusan tinggalkan rumah tu kejap dan pulang tempat mama bapa dia. But dia punya kunjungan ke tempat keja sia ni nda pula putus. Mesti dia akan datang beberapa kali dalam seminggu time dia rest. So pada masa yang sama, masa tu dia ni sentiasa mengadu demam yang tidak pandai baik2. Sia heran kenapa dia buli tahan itu demam dan tidak pegi jumpa doctor. Sampaikan sia syorkan dia lagi doktor2 swasta yang memang bagus. Tapi ntah la…nda jua pandai dengar. Tahan juga dia ni demam mcm tu. But dia punya demam ni tidak la teruk sangat sampai bersin2. Cuma nampak muka dia nda bermaya ja.

So selepas lebih kurang 2 minggu…ada beberapa hari dia nda datang tempat sia. Then bila dia datang, muka dia masih pucat. Bertambah teda seri sebab she’s still selekeh as usual. Rambut pun tidak begitu kemas. So as usual, I was about to say something about keadaan dia yang demam dan tidak pandai baik2 tu…so I said, “Sia tinguk kau ni bertambah lagi pucat.” Then masa sia tengok muka dia tu, I saw merah2 di leher dia. Macam bertompok-tompok. Then sia terus cakap, “Uii…now sampai ada merah2 sudah di leher kau oooo” Sebab time tu I thought her fever sudah sampai tahap bengkak2 dan ruam ba. Then ntah why sepantas kilat juga suddenly sia sense something and said “Uh-Ohhh” dan pada masa yang sama jugalah dia bagi sia reaction yang spontan. Dia buat this face yang terkejut and sangat malu and terus kasi naik kolar baju dia tutup tu bekas2 merah. “Omigawdddddd” then sia ketawa berabis. Kenapa la capat betul sia tegur?

Then I asked her, “Wait, mana sudah kau stay ni? Kau balik sudah rumah mentua kau ka?” She answered, “Sudah baa, dua hari sudah,” dengan muka merah sebab malu2. Then I laughed…”PATUTLAAAAH” Hahahaahahahahahahahahha. Nasib la kita ni org dewasa ba sudah kan? Hehehehe.

Then sia stop tu topic di sana cos bagi sia itu hal peribadi dia. Esoknya dia datang lagi. Kali ni lagi la lucu. Dia pakai baju ada kolar, berbutang sampai atas. Sia kelucuan tinguk dia cos sampai gitu sekali dia mau cover tu bekas merah. Dia cerita sama sia yang dia pi complen husband dia pasal tu tanda2 merah. Hahahahaha. “Babi ba husband sia ni buat mcm ni,” dia cakap gitu. Sia yang sudah lali dengan cara dia bercakap rasa kelucuan pula. Berabis sia ketawa. “Adaka kau cakap husband kau mcm tuu…” Then she said, “Buli2 dia nda mengaku dia yang buat.” Hahahahahaaahahha. Bah sukupppp… sia nda mau dengar bedtime story orang.

Cuma sia mau cakap siiikit la pasal gigitan sayang ni kan. Bukan benda baru ba kalau kita ternampak leher tu merah2 sampaikan kita pikir org tu kena penyakit kulit yang tahap kronik. Ada yang sia pernah nampak the whole neck sampai belakang ba ada tu mark. Ish ish ishhh… Ada jua yang time hari pertunangan, tidak cukup dengan apa yang dinampak di mata, kena rakam lagi di gambar. Punya terang2 tu love bite di leher. Kalau mcm kes kawan sia tu, actually benda tu dipahami ba kan. Especially when she’s married and tidak pulang rumah selama 2 minggu, so maybe there’s a reason why it’s called Love bites ba kan? Dan kalau la jadi mcm kes kawan sia tu, dia malu pula dengan mark tu dan end up maki husband dia. Yang lelaki2 tu nda kisah ka kena maki di belakang sebab buat bini/gf kamu butang baju sampai atas? Hahahahahahahaha. Oh well, maybe u guys can find a better spot?

Hahahaahahahahahahaha…just a fun post to share with you guys…. Hehehe. Love bites…I’m yet to see guys with those marks. Hahahaahha.

Me Happy, You Happy…

We often think that when we get something good, that makes us happy and we keep the happy feelings alone. But do you notice that you can be so so much happier than that. You ask me How? Let me share with you.

Yesterday was a very good day for me. A few days before that, I had a problem with a landlord because he violated the verbal agreement that we had before. He put me in a difficult situation because of that. Not only that it would cost me a lot of money, but he also made me feel like a total fool if I continued with the agreement. So I was in big stress for a few days just to find a solution and Thank You Lord for helping me out. I found a very instant solution though it involved a Crazy decision to move out. It was the best decision although it might not be so cheap. But this decision was more than just about money. It’s a little bit of pride and a little bit of trying to teach someone a lesson, by using my right. But on top of that, I was very worried that I would hurt anybody (especially the landlord) with the decision. I don’t want hard feelings even if I knew it was his fault. I still thought he was a good man, but he made the last minute changes for his own reasons. So, to make things right, I thought that I should pay him for how long I’ve been using his premise although it was under no black and white agreement. Some would want to run away without paying. But as a human being who is trying to do the right thing, I would still want to pay him. So yesterday I met him and without much explaining, he understand the decision wholeheartedly, much easier than I thought. Suddenly a big burden was lifted off my shoulder. Then I politely asked him how much should I pay (without him asking for it first) and he actually cut RM400 from the amount I expected to pay. I was even delighted that my intention to make things right gave me something so good in return. That is a lot of amount to save. I even offered my help sincerely without getting anything back although I barely know him and he had made me a bit mad because he didn’t keep his word. I could tell that the landlord was so delighted because although things was a bit messed up, I still treated him nicely instead of bringing up his mistakes. I just feel that IT DOESN’T HURT to do something good to another person as long as it's still in our capacity. I feel that I have so much joy in my heart.I settled in a new place, made a good deal with the new landlord and ended it well with the old landlord. Plus, I got a few hundreds to save. It was almost gonna be a great fruitful day.

Later that evening, my brother came to help around the new office. If I were to hire a professional to do the work he did, it must cost me something. I should be happy that after the good deals, I still saved so much more with my bro's help. I could be a happy greedy person. After my bro finished the work, I actually handed him RM100 for helping out. He didn’t want to take it considering that he was just helping out. But I insisted that he takes the money as “a treat”. I knew I could just be happy with all the experience and thinking that I saved a few hundreds from a good deal and just keep the happiness alone. But when I decided to give my bro ¼ of the money because of his help, I was even HAPPIER because I knew my bro would feel so good inside because I valued his work and he has more to spend! My day was completed with the label – Today Is A Very Good Day. Thank You Lord!!

I’ve done all I can with the best manner and the best intention and then good things come to me. I thought I was happy enough if I could keep the happiness alone, until I learn to share it then only I know my happiness is doubled. So it’s true as what the saying goes, “Happiness is small when we put it in our little hand, until we learn to share it then only we realize how big and meaningful it is.”

Maybe you should try it too :)

"Kadazan Celup"

This is the traditional costume for Kadazan from Papar district. Ehem!! Hehe

Familiar with the term Kadazan Celup? Hehehe. Celup is a Malay word for dipped. They often use the term Celup to describe a person who appear to belong to a race but not really belong to the race. Like, they just admit or show it in a way that they belong to a certain race but the fact is, they don’t. They just want to be known as one who belong to the race.

Usually, Language is the main indicator of one’s race. When you hear someone talks in Kadazan language, automatically you guess that the person belong to Kadazan race. How about the Kadazans who don’t know how to speak the language?

I can say that I am one of the Kadazans who doesn’t speak Kadazan language. The reason for that is because my parents never really make it compulsory for us to learn the language. We are the City kids who don’t mingle with our cousins and relatives who speak the language everyday. My parents very much speaking the language to each other but they speak Malay to us. As a result, all of us in the siblings are very odd with our own mother tongue but we do understand the common phrases. Even how hard I try to speak, I could only end up getting laughed at because I could not even make the words sound right. Like I don’t belong to this race to be sounding like “an outsider who is trying to be friendly”… hehe.

Because of my language, strangers can’t always guess my race. According to one customer, I sounded anything but a Kadazan because I don’t have that distinct Kadazan “sound”. But I do have that slanted eyes that most Kadazans have. But we know that people don’t rely so much on looks to guess one’s race, especially in Sabah where people are mostly from mixed races. I also received very odd comments from my customers. After talking for a while, this customer told me, “You must be married to a white guy, right?” And I was like, “What? What makes you say that?”. She said something about my English. No no no… I am a Kadazan who doesn’t speak Kadazan but proud to become one. What do you call this category?

So everytime when I shocked people by telling them my race, I was not surprised because my mother tongue skill is very bad so I just jokingly told them, “Biasalah…Kadazan Celup”. I live with that because I’ve been this way forever. But I know it’s not good when we speak about the mission to preserve culture and traits of my race. We need more people who can speak the mother tongue and hopefully to pass it to the younger generations. I am not proud of myself for this. I have seen it long ago that I could be one of the Kadazan people who could not help to preserve the uniqueness of my race, especially if I marry a guy from a different race. I don’t speak the language, I don’t eat the traditional foods, I don’t follow their customs and traditional lifestyle – so now you understand why I just surrender to “Kadazan Celup” and admits my weaknesses.

But after all said and done, I do still wear the traditional conservative thinking about keeping the good names of the family, where quite a number of distinct Kadazans (who live at the village and who speak the mother tongue fluently) have stopped doing. I do care about becoming a talkabout of a village because of my misconducts so maybe that explains why I am very careful in my steps. Despite being a Kadazan Celup, I am not at all urban with lifestyle and thinking.

Celup or not, I am proud to be born as a Kadazan.

NOTE:I put one Kadazan/dusun number at the playlist upon the posting of this post. Hehe

Another Brunch

Do You Often Say “I’m Bored”?

I often hear my friends said, “Boringnyaaa”…and everytime they said that, I gave them this stare of, “I don’t get it.” I really don’t. Then it occurred to me, Why didn’t I get it? I’m surprised and wondering so much…Why these people keep repeating the same phrase over and over again? I mean, do they really mean it?

I realize something that it has been a long time since I last use the word “Boring” to complain about a dull day or to describe my inability to think of anything worthy to do. Ouch? Anything abnormal? Was it me, or you?

I have times when I just sit there and do nothing, entertaining my disappointment over something. Times like that are considered the worst I could ever think of. Even how bad those times are, I still couldn’t find myself slapping my forehead and running out of breath describing that this is my BORING time. I could not find myself complaining “Aiyooo punya boringggg” cos when there are so many things to do that are waiting for our time to do them, it’s such a violation of time justice to simply complain about feeling bored as if you have run out of things to do. When you actually speak of the How Bored you are at that time, it’s actually you surrendering to time-wasting. And the bad news is, you don’t actually have more time to waste considering all the incomplete and delayed tasks.

I remember recently when I told this friend, “Why are you always complaining about feeling BORED? When you have so many undone works waiting for you at the office or home? And look at you, you are here sitting and do nothing and telling people that you’re bored?” So the next time she came again, when something was about to come out from her mouth, she paused and said, “Oops, I won’t say I’m bored again cos when I say something like that, you would start nagging”. I laughed. Don’t you think you should thank me for that? If you can’t find anything to do or you’re just too lazy to do anything, using the word BORING is not going to help. In fact, you would start spreading that unmotivated spirit of surrendering to a total wastage of time and unutilized forces that could be use to make something big out of your day.

You heard people say that negative phrases that you say unintentionally are going to affect the energy around you. It isn’t going to make things better. I am just thankful I am not one of those who often say the word BORING cos that is not the right word to use if you really bear in mind that your days will never be silent from undone business. So maybe you shouldn’t use that phrase “I’m Bored” too much cos if you can see from other people’s eyes, maybe you would realize how HOPELESS that phrase make you.

256 <-- Cruel…but she has a point, don’t you think? Hehehehe

My Another First Times

I have done quite a few changes in the past 1 week and already I'm feeling the massive difference!

I have the aim to get closer to you guys so I put the chatbox and even the pingbox at my blog so u guys can be seen here and u guys can even chat with me privately. I know that most of my visitors are silent readers judging from the invisible sensor report for my blog. These changes only take place in 1 week and already I thought I’ve been this way for months! I also started adding friends into my Facebook friendlist and I could share their thoughts and experience daily. Although I use Facebook just to link to my blog, I also dropped comments on the interesting things that they wrote. I really feel I am a step closer to my online friends, which most of them are really happening people. Thanks for accepting me to be part of your little community :)

So far, I always make myself available at YM and IRC. Speaking of YM, I am also very new to this application. Tonite is written in the history because after all the years that people have started using YM, I have only started learning how to make voice call!! And then tonite was also the first time that I saw someone on webcam! Omigawd, so that’s how it works, right?

It all happened so fast when I pressed some button before I could actually see the face of the person I was chatting with. Since it happened so fast, I took a big gulp realizing that actually I have not explored a lot of facilities that cyberworld has in store for us. Many people have used this to really make the world smaller and get really close despite being miles away from each other.

I want to say my special thanks to this online friend who actually taught me this first lesson. Heheehe. Guess what? Because I was so “sakai2”about this YM, he actually caught my laughter on the YM voice messages and I got really embarrassed. Hehehe. And guess what, he officially the first person who got me on YM Voice call after many failed attempts and after we got through, we didn’t actually know what to speak about. We chatted more in written conversation. Hehehehe. This is a great experience I want to remember and I would surely remember the person who brought this experience to me. Thanks a lot to Consen for that..Pheww…why I feel relieved that my laptop doesn’t have camera? *Lols. I would hate to stupidly make unplanned appearance just like how I got my laughter on the voice messages just because I didn’t realize the application has started recording. My goodness!!! Hahahahahahaha. The funniest part was when Consen had to show me from the webcam what A HEADPHONE looks like...aha, that's the peak of my ke"sakai"an. Hahaaahahahahahha. Thanks Consen, you're so sweet. But with all the equipments I have, I wasn't such a beginner cos I could use my handphone's earphone and my walkman's mic to finally make the voicecall happened! Hehehe :PP

Thanks a lot for another First times that took place tonite. I really appreciate it. You people are just wonderful. I think, give me a month. I hope I could be equally good as you guys. No more blushing moments during more first times in the future! Hahahahaha. Thanks…muahss u all.

NOTE: There's always a first time in everything. So it's okay to feel like a kid who just started to learn how to walk cos everyone starts like that, agree?

It Is Going To Be Okay

Hari kemarin was one of those days yang quite teruk for me. I have this attitude that sometimes cannot take No for an answer. When I set a plan for something, and then the people involved didn’t give me the cooperation, I was so devastated. I was sooo devastated that I just stopped doing anything. Just sat there and feeling bad. I didn’t know what to do. I thought for a second that I was losing my mind. It was one of those tough moments to overcome the battle within yourself.

When things don’t fall in place as you expected, then you start to react to it. The kind of reaction you give sometimes gives yourself a hard time. Like what I had yesterday. I could not talk myself down, “Things are going to be okay.” I just wanted to snap and let anxiety wear me down. I felt my world was crushing down on me. I went out from my office grasping for oxygen. It was all messed up in my mind that time. I was going to land myself in complicated situation if people didn’t want to cooperate. And why did I need so much luck? Why do I have to hope that people can just be nice to me and understand my situation? One thing that I overlooked was that I was actually Very Lucky. When I first faced the situation, I was already given solutions. The door of answers was open before my eyes. I didn’t know why I could not see all that during that very difficult moment. I forgot that God has already helped me halfway. He gave me the best option that I could easily approach and the only challenge is for me to make it happen with my own hands and to cope with the little obstacles. The obstacles I had yesterday was when things were not under my control. I have to wait, I have to strive and struggle to get what I want. Sometimes I have to even lower my ego and pride and be seen like a beggar on the street who hopes for people’s sympathy.

Maybe I could stop being the daddy’s little girl who would cry when things don’t go her way. This is reality. I will face difficulties when I want something worthy. Maybe I should remind myself this is where to use my wisdom. Maybe it’s true that the biggest enemy is not the things or the people around you, but it’s YOU yourself. Luckily I didn’t do something silly just to coax myself. I gave myself good treat of meal so that I could slow down on negativity. As a result, the world suddenly looked differently when I gained my composure back. Suddenly the hope was shining again. We Must Survive that Battle within ourselves. If that happens, we can take down anything.

Today, I receive good news. Now it proves that all the negativity from yesterday didn’t mean a thing. I only need to be patient and leave the rest to God :)

So guys…don’t get beaten down by your own self ok? It’s the easiest yet the most difficult battle of them all. The good news is, it’s yourself. How hard can it be? :).

Note: Keep telling yourself that it's going to be okay, cos IT IS going to be okay :)

The Philosophy: "Don't Call It Love Until..."

Last nite I had a chat friend a guy friend. He asked me about my love life. I don’t usually answer questions about my personal life. I told him the story about my love life, my perceptions about love and stuff. I also shared with him my new philosophy on this love thingy. This philosophy is important to me because this is the reason behind how I handle things with the love element in my life.

You have experiences being in a relationship for years? Maybe you feel happy with sharing love phrases and expressions on every special occasions, sharing first and last greetings of the day with sweet kisses. Sometimes you guys argue just to make up. Laughter and tears come after one another. These will be the spices of the relationship. The more years you spend in it, the more memories you have. But after a while, you realize that your relationship is just for the sugar and spices of it and it’s not going anywhere. It’s whether both or either of you is not ready for a bigger commitment or there are difficulties that make you delay the next stage so you guys are stuck in that relationship for how many more years, none of you know of. The worst scenario is, you guys cannot imagine seeing each other as the lifetime partner. In other words, you guys are only good as lovers and not more. When the questions of financial stability, responsibility, and other vital elements in a marriage, you guys start to have a second thought. When you guys finally reach that point that you guys can’t go further from there, another story of broken hearted would take place. Then what happens to all the years? Does it matter how long you spend loving each other? Even if all the years just end in vain? The more years you spend together, the more hurtful it’s going to be when it ends. This is why I come with this philosophy so that I can stay in focus on what could work and I won’t waste so much time just to get hurt again.

If you have gone through something like that, I’m sure you would finally understand my philosophy. I’m done with words of love. I’m done with showing too much affection just to find out that that relationship isn’t heading towards marriage. What’s the point?? If you get attracted to someone just because the person has a lover quality…is that sufficient? At the end of the day, u need a realistically practical human being who can get the job done. Who has sensible mind and physical capability to make things happen when needed. The one that you can see building family with. Who you think can help u raise a family and most importantly, the one you can imagine growing old with. So if you walk into a relationship and go through all that without seeing the potential in the person to walk into marriage together with…Now just start counting the years you gonna waste, AGAIN. How many years do you have to waste?

So before you even want to get into one, do some observation whether or not you can see further than just a casual lovey dovey relationship with the person and whether or not the person could see you the same way. Most importantly is to share the same goal where do you want to relationship to go. UNTIL that happens, then only it’s worth it to give it a shot and work it out without years of delay. To me, if it’s not heading towards marriage, it’s NOT a LOVE relationship. Call it infatuation, call it admiration, but it’s NOT love. Cos no matter what your definition is, if it doesn’t end up with marriage, it isn’t worth all the years. A heart will be broken. A relationship is going to end. Only Marriage gives you the license to rightfully love each other and see that love nourished until your last breath. Only Marriage will give a proper destiny to something called LOVE.

So if anybody asks me what I feel, now you understand why it is so hard for me just to say the sweet words that you guys want to hear. Why to me good looks and physical impression are just a view I appreciate and nothing more. But if you want more, until we speak about the same DESTINY called marriage than only we can talk about Love. Now you know :)

Today's Mission

I am going to make an important decision today. With this decision, I am going to stand for justice. I also practice wisdom and I am going to prove a point that I will not let people step on me and if people can use my own doing to blame me for something, guess what, I can do the same thing too.

Because of this decision, I will free a few nice people from anxiety. I will stop hard feelings these people have towards me because of something that I don’t purposely do. I want to repay their good deeds what they deserve. I want to use everything that I have learnt to protect myself and to get the best of my interest because it’s all my rights.

And if this decision might be outrageous or too bold to some, but I will prove that I am brave enough to do it. I want to prove I am a grown-up that I will do something regardless people’s approval because no one knows better what’s the next best thing for my life and my work.

I pray that everything will go smoothly and may the Lord gives me the clear way to do it because as this is big and important for me, I find it difficult at first to talk down myself into it. But my situations give me all the green lights to go forward and the only boundary that I have now is myself.

Yes, it sounds a bit crazy when I go ahead with this decision but come to think about it, since when that 256 becomes like the typical ordinary? I have started little trends, I have even forced my own ways where people adjust themselves to accept them and believe in them and I have done many brave things that most people won’t even dare to imagine about because of the risk involved. Thinking of all that, maybe I should ask myself is this the time to back out? Is this the time to protect myself from more risks?

Once again I marvel at the fact that actually everything is in our own hands. It’s just a question of I Want or I Don’t Want. Now that we know how powerful we are, are we going to waste the power? I decide to use that power today.

Have Mercy on me Lord.

The Unfamiliar Daughter

A few days ago, I went to a nite family event held in my aunt’s house. We came a bit late. Many of the relatives were there, including my cousins, aunties, uncles and their relatives. But it was not really a big crowd because it was held on weekdays and not on holidays. Even my brothers were not there.

During the event, I was approached by a few faces that I recognize but I didn't know their names. They must be my relatives too. They stopped at me and said, “I don’t recognize your face. Very unfamiliar.” So I had to introduced myself by telling them I am my dad’s other daughter. I’m sure that my dad’s nickname is very familiar among my relatives, close or far. And the surprising answer was, “We know.” I mean, Ouch? They know I am my dad’s daughter and still said that I am unfamiliar? Erkss!!! Because of this, I got interviewed by a few of them who were really curious to know about me.

When my Moing passed away less than 2 months ago, finally the families and relatives have a vital reason to be reunited. Not even the festive seasons can usually make that happen. So during my Moing’s funeral, we saw faces that are once familiar but have not seen for a long time. Maybe to them, I am one of those faces. They know my existence. But I disappeared from family gatherings for many years. Some of them remember me as the daddy’s little girl and then that girl went missing. They only saw my sister and heard to, "The other one doesn't come."

So that was what happened when I finally came back and joined the crowd. Actually, I wasn’t that unfamiliar anymore. I have been attending many family crowds since last year. Just that, maybe I don’t stop and say Hi and do some ice-breaking for them to know that I was that missing daughter. The thing is, I wasn’t even missing. I’ve been minding my own business for a long time.

The feeling is kinda funny. I thought that I am not only the anonymous blogger and chatter, but I am quite anonymous to my own relatives. Hehehehehe. This is nothing to be smiling about. It’s not something that I do purposely. Maybe I am just like this. I am not so greedy when it comes to networking. I would not mind to have just a few close people and then they receive good treatment from me. Maybe I am not capable of sharing my life and my attention with so many people. I don’t know. Who knows I might want to do it differently from here. Maybe I don’t have to be anonymous anymore. Maybe I should just go and mix with people and look at this life from a different point of view. Who knows I’m gonna like it better. Who knows :) Until that, maybe I just have to accept being The Unfamiliar Daughter of my father to my relatives. I don't mind at all.

Note: In one way, I really love being the unfamiliar [256]. *winks *giggles

When You’re Not Loved As Much

I have come across friends who experience this. They feel so devastated when they feel so lacking in love from the person who they love so much. Like the person doesn’t love them as much as they love him/her, they don’t feel appreciated, they feel like they are hung by invisible rope that make them keep hoping that something is going to be better. In most cases, they just keep quiet and feel the sorrow whilst trying to fake a smile and laugh when their heart is suffering inside.

This is my personal opinion. The time will not stop even if anyone ceases to love us, to care for us or to miss us. Everything else will still go on like usual when if our heart in broken. We have all the reasons in the world to keep going – and the only one that stops us is our own self. I know it’s painful inside. It’s not your fault when someone else doesn’t appreciate you or doesn’t see how lovable you are. It’s not your fault when they can’t just see you as good as the person you are. It’s NOT your fault when some people are not grateful enough. It’s Really is NOT your fault!!

I believe that there is someone out there who has that much love that you need. I just don’t understand why you keep torturing yourself. I don’t understand why you keep suffering. I don’t understand why your heart continues to cry even after your tears have dried. I don’t understand why you waste your goodself and life over some soul who is not even made for you.

To all of you people who feel this way…Get up from this sad chapter and start a new fresh chapter. Don’t waste your blessings. Don’t waste your life. Don’t waste yourself. It’s the most pitiful situation that we can punish ourselves with. And guess what, when you’re not loved as much as you love, it’s not even your fault. Move on and see for a better tomorrow :)

“Masing-masing Cari Bahagia”

Translation: You Seek For You Own Happiness

I remember watching this series of Sehati Sejiwa on RTM1, a program where the host Misha Omar interviews celebrities husband and wife to share about their marriage life. In this particular series, the guests were Normala Omar and Zulkifli Zain – the veteran actors/actress in local films. What interesting about this particular series, they both looked so happy and opened about their marriage. As they went about the important points in their marriage life, I was surprised to learn that it was not even near a bed of roses. There was even this time when they went into a big tribulation in their marriage when the husband set eyes on another girl. Zul, the husband, spoke openly about what happened.

He said that men are like that. Sometimes they just got into affairs without really putting their heart and soul into it. They sort of just go with the flow just to get thrills in life and of course they make mistakes too when their manly natures take over their head and lead to actions that they might regret. He was about to marry that new girl. When his wife found out about that affair, she did not snap at it. She finally found the way to overcome her own emotions and just accepted what life has in store for her. She refused to make the situation worse, and what she did was she decided to accept the girl’s presence. She gave his permission for him to marry her. During the majlis akad nikah, he said that the wife was sitting at the front, making sure that everything was in place. She was the busiest person to arrange things so that everything went smoothly. That was the time when his heart was so touched, and then only he realized There will be NO another woman that can love him like that. He then realized that he already got The Best woman he could afford to have. And so…the wedding didn’t take place. I was called off.

I was amazed at the fact that they both could speak about it openly, how the guy admitted his wandering eyes and how the wife decided to give in to the husband’s intention instead of trying to fight it. They both taught me something about life. Sometimes life throws at us all the things that might not be favourable to us but it’s still up to us how to react and let these affect us in the good way or otherwise. It’s really a lesson to learn how TO CHOOSE not to destroy your own self and life by emotions that might just temporary be there to make things look worse. What is the most important thing is OUR ATTITUDE to face Life because life can sometimes be cruel the decision how badly can it turn our life to be, is STILL UP TO US!

From the way they spoke things…it really shown they have found the real formula HOW TO LIVE. I remember that both of them agree that “we must know how to make ourselves happy”. We must know how to react to circumstances in the way that we can go on with life with a light heart instead of giving up and make our lives go haywire. Yes, the decision to be happy is OUR decision, no matter how bad, how cruel life treats us sometimes.

Now that you know that Your Happiness Is Your Decision, Would You Decide To Be Sad?