When The Words Hurt...

One of my closefriends lost her dad last year. When she sms-ed me about that, I was shocked. I got to meet them during an event a few months before that and the father looked healthy to me. I took my time to write the sms to reply her back. I was careful in what I typed. I must type the right words because I could feel how sad she was that time. I reread the sms a few times before I sent. I definitely did the right thing.

But one of our closefriends did not do that. Maybe when she got the news, she was in the middle of something so she rushed herself to write and ended up writing something that hurt my sad friend. I didn’t know about this story until a few months after. That ignorant friend went to meet me and we hung out like always. That was when the story popped out. She said that the friend (who lost her dad) never replied her sms or even answered her call since the demise of her father. I was surprised myself because that friend frequently sms-ed me. So I didn’t make any speculation. I just told that friend of mine that “She must be very sad so she doesn’t have much to say for now.” My ignorant friend agreed with my suggestion. One sad heart is bad enough to me. It’s better that she doesn’t know for now. Even if she’s gonna learn about it soon, I don’t want to be the person who tells her.

Not long after that, I got to sms that sad friend of mine and she finally explained to me everything why she never answered sms or call from that ignorant friend. She was deeply hurt because that friend of ours replied her sms (about her dad) like it was some unimportant everyday thing – Her sms sounds something like, “Oh ok. You take care okay.” Yeah, it doesn’t sound so bad, but at least show some grief or emotions. I get what my friend meant. What made it even worse, that ignorant friend sms-ed her again days after, “If you are free to hang out, just give sms or call me.” –And that was during the funeral day of her dad!

I pity that ignorant friend of ours because until now, she doesn’t know the damage that she has done. This is serious to the grieving friend because I still remember she said, “I still can’t forgive her.” I have tried to tell her that maybe she shouldn’t think so much about that, especially when the ignorant friend doesn’t even know that she did something wrong. I even told her one incident back in university, which also involved that ignorant friend. I remember that I lost my wallet (not sure whether I dropped it or someone snatched it) but I remember feeling so sad that time. Especially because I lost my IC. So I remember meeting 2 of goodfriends at the library, and I wanted to share my grief – so I told them that I just lost my wallet and I was feeling so down. That ignorant friend really didn’t know how to react. Instead of giving that sympathetic looks, she reacted as if she just heard some good news. She gave that shocked look and then laughed in joy. I mean, even if she thought it was funny of me to be so careless, it’s still NOT the way to express it just so I could learn something. No, it’s totally not the way to react. It was the moment that I realize that something like this is a “thorn” in a friendship. We thought that our closefriends who have been through sadness and joys for years, would at least be compassionate and be a listening ear to lighten your troubled heart, but come to think about it, maybe we expect too much from a friendship. I told that to my sad friend so that she would at least find a way to forgive the ignorant friend. Maybe “she’s just like that. Maybe she didn’t know how to express herself. Let’s not forget that she has lost her mom too much earlier so maybe she looked at this differently.” I was trying to talk my grieving friend down so that she won’t look at it worse than it already is.

I realize that my two closefriends were having “cold war” without the knowledge of one of them. This is still ongoing. I never open my mouth. I don’t want to make things worse because I know, none of them are bad. One of them made a mistake and the other one was hurt. Our friendship of many years is still more important than that small dissatisfaction. I tell myself, “This will pass for sure.” I love both of them. Although the ignorant friend did a few silly mistakes like that in the past, I have forgiven her entirely. Yeah, isn’t this essential to friendships? We can’t live by counting all the mistakes and make sure our friends pay for their own mistakes before you can forgive and forget. Is that the way to go? No, right? Even if you remember that your closefriends borrowed some money from you back in college and never paid, do you want to bring up the small matter and say, “Hey, where’s my RM20? You guys don’t remember ka you borrowed my money to pay the photocopied notes. Now that each of you has a job already, better pay up now. Bikin malu saja RM20 pun tidak buli bayar ka.” (Hahahaahahahahahahahaahha. More likely it’s me who should feel ashamed because I bring up about RM20 after years. Haiyaaa...kasi halal saja la ba kan?)

Actually, we have many rude things to say to our friends. The more times we spend with them, the more issues we can talk about. It’s just the matter of putting the friendship first. So in the sensitive case like my friend who lost someone she loved, the rest of us must know how to say the right words so that she won’t feel hurt. Although she knows that we might only try to sound that we care, but at least it makes her feel good inside. As a matter of fact, speaking for myself, I really do care because she’s my friend and I know how much she loves her dad. I remember in the sms that I sent her, I mentioned that “I know you’re much stronger than I am. I’m sure you can go through this hard time. Remember that your dad is in a better place up there so just pray to God to look after him.” I remember she replied to be with the word Thanks. It might sound like nothing but I’m sure, some soothing words will be much appreciated by our dear friends during difficult times like that.

So, be careful of what you say especially during difficult times. It doesn’t hurt to just be compassionate and thoughtful. They don’t ask for money or anything. Moreover, we are speaking of A Dear Friend here, not just any stranger you meet on the street. Trust me, you won’t lose anything if you just say something nice.

True friend is so hard to find. A lot of people don’t even have anybody worthy enough to call A True Friend. If you can go through years – lived in the same house, waited the college bus together, even shared the same bed – can you still at least use these excuses to treat them a little nicer than you would do to normal friends?

Let’s not ruin a dear friendship because of our insensitivity. A friendship that stand the test of time is not easy to find. And speaking of Life being short, we might not have long enough to make new friends just to see if she can turns out to be “that friend” you can still call a friend on your last day. So, let’s not look far. Those who are they on your side after all the years – make these people the friends for life.

Say the right words to your friends, cos I’m sure you also want your friends to say the right words to you. :)