I went shopping for lingerie earlier today. When I was in the fitting room, my phone rang. It was from an office phone. I didn’t pick it up. It rang again. I let it go unanswered. I couldn’t understand why I felt so heavy to pick the call. I know the phonecall is from a guyfriend, the one who I once called a bestfriend. I mentioned about this guy many times in this blog alone. And since I was at the shopping mall, I supposed to be rushing back to my workplace, but I didn’t. I had this funny guess that he could be there waiting for me at my workplace. Why I couldn’t explain my reluctance to speak anything to him. Let alone, meet him and chat like the old days.
The last phone call he made was a nice one. Nothing bad happened. He told me that he missed me. I didn’t tell you guys that he also wrote me a long e-mail telling me just about the same stuff he talked about on the phone. One extra thing he said that he wanted to visit my workplace and make up for the times we have not met and talked. I remember replying the mail in such a hurry, and I remember the feeling that “Hey, there’s no need to make up for anything.” I feel that the times we didn’t contact each other is something normal. He’s busy and I’m busy too, he has no responsibility over me and me over him. We are only friends. I didn’t like the feeling when he told me that he wanted to make up. Hey, he doesn’t owe me the time lost from the friendship and I don’t like that feeling ba. The problem is, I don’t know why. Actually, I have this strange unexplained attitude. There are certain people that I don’t want to have anything to do with, for at least a certain period of time. I will avoid contacts with them, or when they try to be in touch with me, I will respond hesitantly.This time, it happens again, and this time, this guyfriend is the victim. I don’t like it when I can’t explain why.
Could this be just the outcome of a long evaluation that I accidentally did on him.
Or, let’s just put it this way. Let’s put a temporary and spontaneous explanation to my behaviour. Do I question his sincerity? Do I think that he only comes to me when he needs me? If yes, maybe I know why I am reluctant to respond to him. On the surface, this friendship is looking just nice. When we met each other, he was just a normal officer. After the last call, I got to meet his friends and they told me that he got promoted to a higher post, in fact, the highest post in that department. I realize that I can call him “a somebody” with the post that he’s holding. I felt a bit humble and small when I had to learn that from his friends, and not from him. I feel that he certainly doesn’t have a reason to still be “stalking” an old friend when he has more new people to associate. He doesn’t lose anything by NOT trying to put me this in funny situation that as if he’s forcing to “reunite” with me in the name of – old time sake. If he knows what I’m feeling now, it’s best for him to just let me be. If he shows up anytime in front of me, he would be getting the funny spontaneous reaction from me. I can’t fake my emotions. I’m not feeling comfortable with this friendship with him anymore. And maybe it’s true that I can’t explain why, but it’s best not to make it look more complicated. I’m glad that he’s doing great with his work now. But as far as friendship with me is concerned, I prefer that we draw a distant. He owes me nothing and I definitely owe him nothing.
It’s one uncool thing that happens in this life that could have turned out to be better. Friendship should be treasured, right. I hope that this doesn’t happen all the time cos I know for sure, that eventhough I might not be call “my bestfriend” by many, but I always think that friendship is something I treasure so much. Lets keep our friendship alive, as much as we can, ok? :)
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