I Tried Not To Cry

I bet she's the person my dad loves above everyone else in his life. I remember when I was small, I was the daddy's girl. I followed my dad wherever he goes. Even when I was so young, she was always my dad's priority. I remember my dad took me to kampung frequent enough. It was always me whose hand my dad held as she saw us walking towards the house. The little girl who knew nothing much about life, and yet she could innocently follow her dad without complaining. Maybe that's the reason why I was ONCE her favourite grandchild. I remember, during my time of being "the favourite grandchild", I mingled a lot with my first cousins who live not far from her. Yes, she's my beloved Moing; my dad's mom. It was from the season of being her favourite grandchild that I almost drown in the river because of one of my cousins. I have loadsa memories with those 2 cousins in my season of being my Moing's favourite grandchild. The elder sister was my goodfriend, and the other one was my enemy (and I decided so even before she almost made me drown) and don't forget, I had my revenge by pushing her off the ladders. Yeah, those were the old days when we were too young to even spell our name properly.

Today, I found myself sitting at the church. In the same row were again, the 2 cousins who were very close to me during my childhood. Years ago, I could not imagine in what situation that I could just sit beside them that close again after many years of minding our own business. Finally, the good sister was sitting exactly beside me, and the "bad" sister was just one person away from me. We were finally sitting together again. And where was my Moing? She was inside the casket, lifeless. Why could it be so bitter to be sitting together once again with my close cousins during the funeral of our beloved Moing?

2 days ago, I received a call from my mom. I could not guess what time it was. It was still quite dark. My mom said, "She's left." Then I went, "Ohh…When?" Then my mom answered, "About 4 AM". Then I looked at the clock at the top of my monitor, it was Almost 4 o'clock. Then I went, "Oh, you mean, just NOW?" Then I was shocked that my mom told me it was already 6.30 AM. Then I went, "What?" Nevermind about the clock. The battery could be dead. But…I paused and left my mind blank – Did I just lose my Moing?

I could not describe any emotion. The fact that her demise was not that shocking because she had put her children in "alert" mode for many years she had been sick. The day before that, my dad received a text message from my aunt about my Moing's critical condition. We are talking about my dad here, people. Do you remember when I tell you that my Moing is the person he loves above everyone else? Yes, we all should love our mother above everyone else, but not all could do that. But my dad could. He never failed to show his love for her even through my little girl's eyes.

I'm now a grown-up. My dad is even more a matured man. Everyone else is in the right maturity to see that Death is something that each of us must go through. Looking at my Moing during her final years, she was already very old. She didn't suffer from any chronic disease. She only had problems with her bones and fractures because she worked so hard for her kids since she was young. I tell you that my Moing was one very hardworking lady. It was very rare to see her sitting there doing nothing. She wasn't like some ladies who gossip and groom all they want. I just realized that I never have memories about my Moing being the typical lady. Unlike my other grandma (my Mom's mom; who left us last year) who had many fun and cute things to remember especially her laughter when she saw us dancing Poco-poco. But none of that fun memories involving my Moing. She must have worked all her life for her kids. Life was tough for them and no one knows better than my dad for being the first kid. So I will not sulk if my dad loves my Moing more than he loves me. I still remember when my Moing came to visit our house, I was looking for my little pillow pet and I found out my dad gave it to my Moing to use because he said the pillow was soft. I pouted and sulked because I was the kid and I should be given the advantage to have my OWN pillow. Who would have guessed that "the pillow moment" ensures me even more that my dad loves his mom so much. I remember that my dad silently took the pillow away and replaced it with another pillow without telling my Moing, afraid that she would think differently. My dad could not help but took the pillow because I was pulling a long face.

3 years ago, I was asked to bake my Moing's 80th birthday cake, and I did. I was mumbling at first because I thought that everyone wanted to save money from buying a big cake so they asked me to do it. Everyone thought it was too petty to spend big money on. Whatever it was, I was grateful that they gave me the chance to do something. Because without the cake, I might have done NOTHING for my Moing after leaving "the favourite grandchild season" for so many years. I forgot to tell you guys that when I left home to pursue my studies, I have become an estranged grandchild whose face she never saw for many years. I knew that my Moing must have reserved the spot "favourite grandchild" for me for many years but I never showed up. I understand if she has to replace it with any of the grandchildren who are around all the time. I knew my Moing was upset with "that little girl" who always pulled long face for the smallest reason. She was upset that she thought I have forgotten her. I could not give excuses for my deeds, but I was never proud of it. Although I knew that my dad loves her so much, he would do anything he could to take care of her. I thought that I was just a little hand that could do nothing much. Last year, I remember visiting her at the hospital bed. My auntie asked her, "Do you still remember her? *Pointing at me" And my Moing nodded. My auntie said, "Oh, dia masih ingat kau."

Earlier today was her funeral. I had not cried since the day I learnt about her demise. I went to see her lifeless body lying on the mattress, I almost couldn't recognize her. She looked so old. I tell myself that "It's timely for her to go. DON'T CRY." So I did not cry. Though I was worried that I break down in tears and embarrassed myself, I was even more worried with my dad. "Dad, YOU MUST BE STRONG for me. You're a big guy already so PLEASE DON'T CRY in front of me." I saw my dad was half-drunk. I know that it was the only way that he could pretend to be stronger. I needed his strength…cos I'm afraid I don't have it. Counting the hours to the day of funeral, I was collecting strength to NOT CRY during the final respect. No, I won't break down in tears again like I did during my other grandma's funeral last year.

Her death really portrays the process of a human lifespan who is not interfered by diseases of accidents. She was given healthy organs all her life. She survived her days until the last. She never gave up. I remember when her children were given false alarm when they thought she won't make it but it wasn't until a few more years before she finally laid to rest. I learnt something that we all wish for a long life. It's something that my Moing was blessed. But "long" doesn't mean forever. When you're old enough, your organs start to deteriorate naturally and there will come a time when they won't support you enough to breathe another breath. That's what happened to my Moing. She showed it to us that you can be healthy and all, but Death is still the end of your human life. She left us, leaving a wisdom behind. We shouldn't go AGAINST this flow of life. God has decided that there will be the end for every beginning and we must learn to take this in a positive way. She's in better hands, I know. Why should I grieve when my Moing is NOW whole again beside God. Why should I grieve that she has done her time on earth and it's time to meet the Creator. Why should I grieve that she is happier now that she has completed her cycle? I imagine that her soul was standing there smiling, with the holiest look, looking at us. She's happier, I know.

These thoughts gave me strength. As I walked going around her casket, I did not cry. Was I that strong? But I heard crying from my aunties and I even heard crying voice of my dad. I did not dare to look. I just bowed my head down and held back my emotion as much as I could. Yes, although they are wiser than me to know that Death is just the next thing for my Moing, but it doesn't mean that we can just go through with the funeral ceremony without crying. So I finally let myself cry some tears but I challenged myself that if I am really wiser than before, I must know how to get hold of my own emotions. Some tears and that's all.

Moing…I still remember what you said during the celebration of my good achievement in studies when I was 13. You said that "Mudah-mudahan kau macam naik tu tangga yang kau mula dari bawa dan pelan2 kau naik sampai kau di atas." That time I was surprised that she said that. I was already at the peak of my success, I thought. I could not go down. But SHE WAS RIGHT. I fell right at the bottom and before I know, I'm doing it…trying to climb the ladder again. I told myself, "Moing, why did you say something about climbing the ladder? It could be why I fell this hard and knock myself down. It was damn painful to start all over again." But though I have not reached there yet, but I cannot imagine how grateful I am to find myself climbing the ladder. And if I reach somewhere one day, Promise me Moing that you will be happy.

May Her Soul Rest In Peace.

Note: I don't know why I think that my clock that stopped at 3.59 is more than a coincidence.