A Heart Journal

Have you ever felt being ALONE but never feeling lonely? Like you enjoy the aloneness so much? You CHOOSE to be alone and because you can experience its beauty. Maybe you’re just tired of all the feelings that you can get when you have companies around. All the different ki nds of conflicts they could cause your mind. Alone but not lonely – is something that I realize I enjoy so much. I was just too tired to get into deep with someone so much that eventually leads to devotion of time and energy. I think I’m still tired of all that. I’ve told you guys all the time since I have this blog. I have been tired focusing my energy on certain people and feel the pressured every inch of distracting moves that these people do. I hate how to be emotionally involved could put me into a fragile situation. I just hate it.

I can’t count for how long I’ve been this way. I have turned into a human robot that sometimes – just Emotionless. I have missed the uniqueness of being a human being because my senses weren’t working so well. I can feel people’s warmness, but I could always put a gap so that I could never let them be part of my life. Maybe this is how I’m protecting the peace that I’m still not done enjoying. I thought no one could see anything strange with this. But recently a friend had a serious talk with me about this. She made me realize that I just let myself lost in this solitary. She told that I’ve been overdoing this. How could that be so? I said to myself.

Despite that, I am always lucky because my life is never lonely from nice people. There’s always a way that people can reach to me and tell me that I might think I don’t need them, but they need me. The last pieces oh humanness I have, makes me open a way of connection just to reassure myself that maybe I’m still after all, anything but a robot. I have feelings and I do feel real emotions. I realize that I’ve done many things that make people obey this distance and as painful as it is, maybe I do it all out of selfishness. Maybe I just want to protect myself. Maybe I’m just giving them a pinch of reality that I have a lot of issues with almost anything emotional with my life. Maybe I just don’t want people go there. Yet.

After all said and done, I am feeling a bit strange right now. Suddenly I feel that my shell is getting thinner. Suddenly I feel like crying. Maybe this is how it feels to get my senses back. I always know that I’m not going to enjoy this. I hate being fragile. Suddenly I miss the company that I always get even when I least appreciate it. A heart so dear that I always hurt. A heart that I always put in guilt and accept every bad thing that I offer and overloaded warm expressions that I receive without saying thanks. “We won’t know the value of something until it’s gone.” – Maybe that line is giving me a bite of reality. If yes, maybe I should be grateful cos in my case, it’s not totally gone but just a minor absence. But the absence makes me feel so lonely. Why after a long time, now I remember how it feels to miss someone. Suddenly I don’t even need to be alone to feel this loneliness. Suddenly I want to say sorry for everything that I say and do that might hurt. Suddenly I want to tell that with that kind of company, I can do away without the solitary.

Maybe it’s true when a good friend told me before. Maybe the problem is not with me. It takes one caring undemanding soul to knock all these senses into me. I don’t know if I actually bumped into that soul to finally be feeling this way. In a way, it gives me the creep. In a way, I just want to put my hands together and say a prayer to God cos I think that in a way, this is a heavenly thing I should be thankful for.

Lord, give me wisdom to understand this and may I find the way to handle this as You guide me through.