Did I Just Hurt Someone?

My goodness. What have I done?

I was trying to get a quality tv time just now. But I left my phones upstairs. I could actually hear the signal sound coming from my phone that I have unread messages. Dammit. It was distracting me. I needed only 1 hour and I couldn’t even get it peacefully? Then after the show was over, I quickly went upstairs with a little unnecessary anguish, “This better be good or I might smash this phone” (*Lols). Yeah, I was talking to myself because the signal sound really pissed me off. I was really struggling to watch my session of Gossip Girl having to withstand irritated stares from the rest who thought the show was dull. *Lols

It was SMS from my bestfriend. I SMS her earlier telling her I would drop by nearby her workplace tomorrow, I used the line, “Just to inform you, ok?” So her reply came too late. Her first SMS said, “What time will you be there?” Since I was downstairs, that she has to wait for a reply. Then maybe she got tired of waiting for an answer, plus the impression that I was just informing her, she sent another SMS making conclusion, “Oh, you just inform me and doesn’t actually expect me to join, right?”

Ouch! I can feel the little tension. She might feel upset just because it was like I was just informing her but didn’t expect her to join. The thing is, I was concerned because it could clash with her worktime so I didn’t want to sound like I’m forcing her to make herself available. Actually bestfriend sia ni got issue with our hangout time since weeks ago. Kami sudah balik2 plan mau jumpa but sia keep on canceling it. Last week should be the week we finally spent time during lunch, but again, I canceled it because “I want to save time”. I didn’t think much how she would react. Maybe because I have serious business to think of, I don’t have time to entertain my thoughts that she might get hurt because I canceled the hangout. But she made the effort to come to my place so we actually hanged out anyway. Masa tu dia bagitau sia dia betul2 frust yang sia cancel tu hangout as we planned. Sia dapat rasa dia memang kecil hati but dia tidak besar-besarkan hal tu sebab still we got to see each other juga cuma dengan plan yg berbeza.

Emm…I don’t know if you guys get this or not. But macam ni pula pergeseran yg kecil-kecilan berlaku kan? I mean, bukan sia tidak thoughtful atau selfish, but sia anggap sia berada dalam keterdesakan yang menyebabkan sia terpaksa take certain decision yang “ringan”. Sebab canceling lunch doesn’t sound like much ba kan? But kita tidak tau bahawa benda2 macam tu actually hurt hati2 yang terlibat. Kita rasa benda tu remeh, tapi dorang rasa tidak.

Dulu masa school sia ingat bahawa sia selalu jadi orang yg terluka. Kawan sia lupa save satu seat untuk sia masa lecture, kawan sia lupa wake me up, or benda2 macam tu la. But now, sepa sangka, sia pula berada di tempat dia yang melukakan tanpa sengaja.. Now, even benda2 macam ni pun akan hurt her. It left me wondering. Apa sudah jadi ni? I know yg she is going through a difficult phase sorting out her life. Walaupun life dia jauh lagi bagus dari life sia, tapi dia sedang mengalami crises emosi cos she saw nothing but the bad points of her life. I know she needs the time to hangout and share her burden with a friend like me. Itu sia paham. Dan dalam pada sia sendiri pun ada kerja mau buat, sia cuma react the way yg sia rasa sesuai dan sia kena pikir pasal diri sia sendiri juga. Sepa sangka, dalam proses tu, sia actually hurt orang2 yang I care so much not to hurt, and in this case, my own bestfriend.

You guys sedar one thing? Ini lah actually yg berlaku dalam sehari-harian kita. Benda2 yg kita buat secara rutin tu, kita tidak tau when or how it’s going to hurt the people around us. Kadang2 kita berada di tempat org yang dilukai tanpa sengaja, and before you know, kau pula di tempat org yg melukai tanpa sengaja. Masa2 begini yg buat sia terpikir, “Adakah tangan dan kaki sia betul2 bersentuhan dengan realiti hidup sia?” I mean, kenapa sia boleh buat satu benda tu dengan tenang sedangkan ada hati2 yang terluka?

Sia tulis post macam ni untuk ulas perkara ni sebab sia bukan Heartless punya orang. Cuma ada situasi2 yang kita mungkin terlepas pandang, and entah why just now, tiba2 bunyi SMS bestfriend sia tu macam knock my head. Tiba2 sia dapat balik semua deria sia. What have I done? Adakah kawan2 sia tengok sia sebagai seorang kawan yg sudah “hilang sentuhan”? Sia tidak mau jadi macam tu. Sia masih mau jadi diri sia yang dorang kenal, just a much better version.

I know you guys akan pening baca this post. You guys tidak akan dapat apa point sia. Anggap saja sia tulis post ni untuk sedarkan diri sia sendiri bahawa sia perlu lebih IN TOUCH dengan hidup sia, dengan orang keliling sia – instead of just pikir tentang diri sendiri. Padahal performance sia bukannya bagus sangat pun dengan cara macam ni. Jadi sia tidak rugi kalau sia CONNECT dengan element kehidupan sia ni – jangan sia main redah saja dan hanya tau bila hati sendiri rasa sedih, bila hati sendiri rasa tersinggung – semua tentang “hati sendiri” saja. Jangan sampai sia lupa, ada juga hati2 yang care enough for me to get hurt because of me.

Let’s share some advice here. Kalau sia hurt someone secara sengaja, at least sia puas hati. But sia tidak dapat accept bila I thought I’ve done what’s good what’s right, I still hurt the people I care about. I hope it won’t happen again and I sure need to do something. Get In Touch back with my reality life. :) Maybe you should too :)