Yes, As Egoistic As That

Are you guys familiar with the word EGO? In Google dictionary, I pick the meaning “An overly high opinion of oneself” cos this is the closest to the meaning that we always have in mind when we associate with this word. The question is always Low or High Ego. The problem always arises when one ego is said to be High. So how can I put it in the simplest language? Let me try. Someone with High Ego or Egoistic person related to the person’s approach of keeping things to oneself, Not saying what he feels, Not showing emotions or anything that make people read or see what’s the person’s thinking or feeling. It’s like the Egoistic person uses the high Ego to camouflage the true emotions so that one can appear less affected by something so one can be seen as one strong individual. Erks. I hope I get that right. *giggles.

Ok, lets go to the real purpose of this post. It knocked my senses when I watched clips that my Fb friends shared. I watched a few animations about How the person holds back her feelings not telling the guy that she also likes him and ended up losing him. I mean, what did the clips have anything to do with me to give a kind of impact to my senses? I mean, why the heck the clips made me ask myself,

“Am I an egoistic person?”

Whatever the answer is, I know myself. Years ago I’m sure nobody would associate the word Ego with me. Cos I have 2 humble parents who brought us up the best way possible for us to become “real human” who have the basic good attitudes. What do you think I would feel when someday, someone asked me “Don’t you think you are egoistic?” I’m sure nobody would ask if I showed no potential at all. In this case, the ego I was related to was about my attitudes in handling my encounters with people and not because of my achievements or anything like that. Why I thought that they do have a point? I remember dealing with this one guyfriend who even admits his high ego, but even this guy could not beat me in that arena. I remember we had a little misunderstanding and led into arguments. Gosh. For an egoistic rich braggart like him, it took him less than a week to come back to me and say sorry. I almost refused until he said something so terrible like “256 You’re a bad person if you don’t forgive others!!” Hahahaha. After that experience, he told me, “Oh my, it’s dangerous to argue with you. You won’t take back anything. It’s totally WAR all the way.” Of course I laughed. I never took it seriously . I thought that Nahh, there’s no where. He must be kidding. Not long after that, he teased me with another joke that I thought has something to do with my dignity and pride. I didn’t believe that he didn’t learn his lesson. This time I really declared WAR with him by stopping all kinds of contacts with him. He tried to play it my way but he still failed. I remember that he did many things to get my attention back but HE FAILED pathetically. Hahahahahaha. Omigawd. Is that Ego that I’m wearing on my forehead? *Lols. What am I now? A robotic 256 who is made of wires and steel? My oh my.

So I claimed this is something new right? Then what about back in college when I didn’t talk to a girl friend for more than a year after she jokingly accused me of something and then said sorry repeatedly till it pissed me off? What about much earlier than that back in secondary school when my friends had to send me orange filled with funny words just to say sorry to me and what about the friend who had to give me pictures of my favourite artists before she could talk again to me? Omigawd! Is that Egoistic? How come I didn’t notice much earlier than this?

Luckily I am watching my steps now. I DON’T WANT to be like that in the parts where I should show emotions but I don’t. Maybe I put too much shield to protect myself from getting improper treatment by others. Maybe I never pretend to be stronger just for people to see, but I do this for myself cos I know if I don’t force myself to be strong, I’m as weak as can be. I have had people stepped on my back, made a fool of myself and even disrespected me – when I was doing it the original way I was taught at home. I was taught to be humble and nice and always respect people. That was what I got. I think that Ego gives me strength against negative elements from other people. But I think I might go overboard sometimes. I must mend my ways.

I don’t want this ego to stop me from telling my loved ones that I do care for them, I do need them and I do love them. I want to say sorry if I fail to show my emotions when actually I am suffering pain inside. I’m sorry that I fail to show that I’m hurt so deeply when it matters to some people to indicate that they do mean something to me. I hope that you guys won’t wait and rely on my sweet words to judge what I feel. If I don’t say what u guys want to hear, don’t make conclusions that I don’t have feelings. If “Actions speak louder than words” can apply on this, I would like you to refer to that cos I can’t fake how I treat you. If you are special, you will know. Just use the heart of your eyes to see this. I will work on this Ego, promise :)

NOTE: You should too. Imagine how much we are losing just because of our ego. Stop losing more than this. :)