Sometimes it’s unfair. Memang unfair. Sia yang terlalu banyak kekurangan ni, sepatutnya sia tanya, Apa kelebihan sia untuk balance kekurangan ini? Tapi bila sia jumpa even satu kelebihan pun, sia pula jadi begitu anxious apa pula kekurangan baru yg sia belum tau sia ada; untuk balance kelebihan ini?
All my life kan, I always find out what love is. Macam2 cara sia cuba find out. Dalam blog ni alone pun sia sudah berkali2 tulis pasal love. What do I know about love? When I thought I love, my loved ones never thought they are loved enough. When I thought I have given everything I could offer, my loved ones thought that I never give exactly what they expect. But I thought I had given enough. I thought I had done enough.
When I thought I have started to love, and sure that this love is unconditional, I still find the reason why I should un-love these people. That isn’t unconditional love. Their weaknesses that I just learnt always weaken my feelings for them. Leaving me on an emotional pedestal that I created myself. And then, when I do something quite not right, I always thought, that alone would make my loved ones cease to love me. I ask the question, “Will it be the same again after this? Will you still love me?” And surprisingly, they answered the answer that never cross my mind – After everything I have learnt, I have written, I have read – EVERYTHING people, everything.
After everything that I went through…
I never thought that people would still love even if they have just learnt that I am not that good actually. They never thought I was perfect to begin with. They always knew I could be worse and worse than I am today. Cos they know I’m just like them, a human being. I also know that but I never make use of that knowledge that THEY have weaknesses too. Why should I punish them for being a human being. I can’t expect them to be righteous all the time, all the way, just to make me believe that it’s worth it to love them. Love isn’t about evaluation anymore. That’s what they taught me. Once they have decided to love, that’s gonna stay as long as possible. There ain’t gonna be a freaking weakness that gonna change that. My ground where I start to love is already very weak. I am ashamed of myself :(
Again and again I’m amazed that maybe I should remember that Love is nothing like what I thought it was. Love is just acceptance and understanding. I felt so bad when I learnt I did something not quite nice to the people I love. I could give a lot of reasons why I did something but I still feel it was not quite right. I still feel that IF I KNOW HOW TO LOVE properly, I will find my ways of doing it better.
Maybe I’m right. My problem is… I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.
That’s why it’s just hard to really get into my life. That’s why it’s really hard to share everything. That’s why I suck at commitments. That’s why, when I thought that I have given 100%, they thought they could only get 20% at most. I thought that people ask too much, but actually it was me who never give enough.
I can’t believe that after everything that I said and done, I still don’t know how to love properly. I feel so bad.
Teach Me How To Love :( ...
Note: I want to write a note to someone so dear to me. You have taught me a lot before you know it. You open my eyes about a lot of things. This world is not lived by angels, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be someone’s angel in its own unique form. And it doesn’t mean that if we are not angels, we are only as good as the devils. We can still practice humanity in the form of loving the special people in our lives. This has touched my heart so so deeply. Thank you dear and forgive me for my mistakes. Forgive me for not being there. *hugsss
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