"My Hero"

I told this guy once. “You’re my hero”. He said, “Hahaha, you’re being funny again.” He didn’t believe it. He thought that [256] has a heart of stone. There’s no where she could look at me as…what…a hero? Freaking kidding me. He thought so.

Actually, I was telling the truth. I couldn’t describe why I had this feeling of “awe” as if I just saw a being that makes me feel “strong” when I saw him around. If he wasn’t there, I would look all over for him, secretly. Just the feeling of having him around made me feel safe and good. Yeah, that was strange enough.

Maybe because he has a very strong character. I think that’s very important for me. People with strong characters attract me easily. These people can make me shut up and listen to them. He has that. Despite me being fragile, he could be tough and hard on me, and still I find the way to understand, accept and live with it, without making that a reason to turn my back on him. Although he needs other characters that are bad enough to balance this rare quality, I still look at his strong points. I couldn’t explain WHY besides all that, I still think he’s cool.

And maybe it’s lucky, that he thinks high of me too. Maybe he didn’t call me anything near “My Heroin”, but he always told me that I’m Rare. “I can live all this life and find only one person like you. If I lose you, I don’t know if I can find someone like you again.” He told me that many times. Despite his harshness, those are among the few good things that sounded almost like sweet-talking, but this guy sucks at sweet-talking. He doesn’t know how to sweet talk because he has plenty of rough bones in his body. He’s totally a winner in shooting swears and curses. It left me hopeless in wanting to hear sugarcoated words guys always say. But still, he never failed to mention that “this unplanned” meeting with me, changed his initial plan. In a short time, I became that influential in his life that he even has a “special name” for me when he spoke of me to other people. He didn’t want these people to know who I am, but he wanted them to know that “he has a special friend” and you people don’t have to know who she is. When I tried to be open to other people that he and I are goodfriends, he said, “I don’t want others to know. Just as long as we both know.”

When I became comfortable about being friends secretly, he broke the rule. Suddenly he changed his mind. He didn’t mind if others know. Could it be that he wanted to secure his position in this friendship? He didn’t mind if a certain group of people know about our friendship, and he even wanted me to show to them that “he’s special” to me. I didn’t mind to play his game just a little. In the name of fun, why not. One thing I wasn’t sure if he knew was that…yes, he was special to me. He might not be the most gentle guy I know, but still, he was special. I met a few other goodfriends after him, who have almost all the better qualities than him…I still reserve the “hero” place for him.

I tried to explain this. Others might be good and gentle, but they become “ordinary” to me. The normal charming guys love to speak what I want to hear. They talk with the tone that is soothing to my ears. They always say nice compliments to brighten my day. Suddenly everything becomes cliché to me. I start to doubt if they really mean it or not. I’m looking for something that stands out in the crowd. I want something REAL. As far as I recall, life is not so gentle to us too. Then maybe anything too nice or too gentle is only fake. This guy, with all the glory of his harshness, made me think for a second that, he’s indeed the “most real” of them all. I didn’t have to worry when or where I gonna see the worse side of him, because he’s been showing it forever. For all those reasons, so if I were to award someone “My Hero”, as history has it, he was once the winner of that award.

And all that happened after listening to all the bad rumours going around about him. Even the people that I care, requested me to stop making friends with him. But I didn’t comply. Because I am an adult. I don’t just walk in and walk out from a friendship just because “people don’t like him”.

But maybe, fate has a way of telling us when things are not meant to be. Something happened and I made a decision to end it there. He was shocked and he wasn’t ready for it. He even threatened to do something silly if I ended the friendship. So I fixed my words and left it hanged so instead of a FullStop, it becomes a QuestionMark.

I never told anyone that trying to let go off “a hero” was not that easy. But I always know, replacing him was quite simple. Loadsa other guys can effortlessly substitute “that hero” place, but if I wanted to do so, I would have done it long before. But I realize that I would leave that place empty. I won’t substitute it just for the sake of having someone. I decided I could live without someone to reign as “a hero”.

The most interesting part is that, he might jump into conclusions about many things, but he always thought I was kidding when it comes to “being my hero.” Maybe he knows I don’t seem to need his protection. I don’t even look like I’m gonna make use of his strong arms for comfort. For him I was just good in my place and – “she doesn’t need a freaking hero.”

But a decision has been taken…I gave myself time to accept this as the best decision and try to be happy with it. I managed to get over my mighty hero. But I’m not sure if that mighty hero is Over me? With that heart of steel and face to save, he didn’t want to come and beg me --- to solve this QuestionMark. He waited for the time that I come crawling back to him. But it never happened. He has to know his match in this game of “Whose heart is the toughest?” I’ve told you guys, I usually win that game. Not because I want to win to feed my ego, but in this case, I honestly think that he’s only good to be memorize “as a hero” I once had. Anything more than that would be too much for him. He couldn’t meet any expectation beyond that.

For months, I should have realized that some of the funny things happened for a reason. I finally found out “my hero” is never over me. He’s been “stalking” me, watching me from afar and finding out my updates without me knowing. Now he’s showing the tendency to come back and CLAIM something from me. Now he lost the “toughest heart” game. He lost it. He came back to me first. But it’s not the game that matter.

I am NOT into it anymore. I don’t want to open a closed book. I thought that the chapter of “My Hero” has passed its time. Just by trying to make ways for him again, my cortisol is pumping into my bloodstream. It’s never normal with him. It’s always like this. I have to deal with unbearable pressure and stress when he’s in my life. Maybe others have the reason to tell me to “leave” that goblin. Yeah, a monster or a goblin, anything they referred him as, but guys…he was once “My Hero”.

I’ll remember him as once “My Hero”, I promise. As long as he doesn’t do anything bad and destroy the last pieces of good memories I have of him, I will always remember the good things about him. But sadly to speak, the best word I want to say to him now is…

Leave Me Alone.

You were ONCE my hero, but Not Anymore.

So just let me go :)

NOTE: Kalau suruh si 256 tulis bunga2, mimang dia la hero…*Lols… Tatapzzz… Hahahahahahahahahaha