Is there actually a right way to love? How should it feel like? Suddenly I realize that I don't think I ever love properly. I don't think I ever feel the kind of affection that reaches the maximum volume that should be felt by someone towards a special person. Or am I just hallucinating that it exists? Cos maybe everyone else is just like me. But no, maybe not. I don't think so. I have seen love so much greater than I could have ever given. Love that is totally unconditional. Totally forgiving and non-judgemental. Love that makes big sacrifices feel like just a small favour. Love that worth-fighting for, worth dying for. Garsh, does a human being capable of giving that kind of love? Seriously I want to know!!
While talking to a friend just now, I realize that there's something about relationship and companionship that I like, but there's only so much that I can give. And it's not enough. I have a limit when it comes to love. The only way when I think I love too much is actually Not really so. It's just circumstances that put me in that situation where I thought I really give enough love. There's a longing to be loved deeply, to be appreciated, to be serenaded, to be pampered, and I have a way to return the favour but then when I reach my limit, I couldn't go further than that. Anything more than that starts making me feel so unsure, uneasy and unhappy. It's only when it reaches that far I come to realize that I suppose to love more than this, but I just don't. Don't I have the capability to love more than that? Again I ask, how does it feel to love that much? To love properly and completely?
Once I reach my limit, I start to feel like I just drag my feet where they take me. I'm not totally into it, it's halfhearted, it's unwhole, and it starts to feel insincere. When it's insincere, it's becoming a burden. I'm pretty sure there are a few more levels that others have reached. Because they can reach there, they become a GENUINE LOVER. They just love to the length, width and depth of it. That's why their love is just so big. They'll fight for the one they one. They stick and they stay no matter what. They make it work at all cost. I'm SO SO AMAZED!! Lovers like you guys exist, don't you?
Where is the justice in me? But look at me, do you know that I have a condition that I just CAN'T love properly? It's not like I don't want it. In fact, I don't even know I have this problem until I do a serious serious post mortem on my relationship behaviours from before. I know how I function but I don't totally understand why I just can't go that far. When you love someone with the same condition as mine, poor this person, right? Can you even spare some consideration towards this person. She wants and she tries. But she keeps coming to that limit. Will you ever accept this person's flaw?
So, if you love someone who is like this, you need to help her. Where she is not sufficient emotionally, you must provide and make her enough. When she falls short of your own expectation, you must lift her up and make do with whatever there is. Don't punish this human, it's not her will that she is just not that capable. Can you not play the ego game and give her space instead? Maybe this is too much of a request right. You must be super rare if you can accommodate this poor being. Who knows she'll learn from you and one day she'd be able to love properly, and completely. Who knows.
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