2019 Bukan Tahun Yang Mudah Tetapi...

2019 adalah tahun yang super hebat untuk sia. Bukan hebat yang biasa2. Dia lain macam sikit. Dia hebat yang sia mau "hadam" dulu dan selepas tau dia hebat, sia still kena hadam kepahitan dia. Sebab kalau sia banding sama 2018, 2018 tu seolah-olah suka sama sia. Dia betul2 bagus sama sia sebab sia rasa friendliness dia tu. 2019 tidak macam tu.

2019 ibarat Professor yang bikin panas, yang selalu torture sia sampai sia tercabar, and then time sia duduk2 di pisuk2, dia pandai kasi sia hadiah. Hadiah dia besar and mahal ooo. Tapi cara  Professor 2019 layan sia ni, dia nda mau berlembut sama sia bah. Jadi sia masih ndatau camana mau accept hadiah dia. Dalam hati macam mau melumpat kegembiraan, tapi memandangkan dia masih garang, sia terpaksa bersyukur ja banyak2 dalam hati. Sia cakap sama Tuhan terus lahhh sia bilang sebab sia tau Tuhan yang atur tu hadiah untuk sia menggunakan si Professor 2019 ni. Sebab kalau mau cakap sama Professor 2019, dia masih garang sama sia biarpun sudah kasi hadiah. Hahahaha.

Tapi sia masih struggling juga walaupun sudah dikasi hadiah. Bila2 masa pun masih dimarah dan dirotan kalau silap. Jadi everytime sia deal sama Professor ni, sia nda buli cakap pasal hadiah yg dia kasi tu sebab dia macam nda ambil pusing pasal tu. Macam dia buat sia rasa dia bagi sia barang mainan ja tapi sedangkan bagi sia macam sia terima intan permata ja bah. Mesti kamu blur ni kan. Biar lahhh. Hahahahahaha

So, banyak quotes yang sia nampak kena share di FB, seolah-olah tahun 2019 ni penuh kepahitan dan keperitan. Inda juga guys. Dia mimang macam gitu. Sia sendiri yg kununnya sudah dikasi hadiah ni pun macam masih rasa dia punya garang. Kalau 2018 tu tahun yg awesome when I think I got my internal strength and power, 2019 ni macam bukan kesinambungan kepada 2018. Dia ni lain. Dia punya "keras" tu macam mau shape kita or polish kita. Seolah-olah dia mau cakap sama sia, Jangan Manja mentang2 2018 bagus sama kau.

Jadi entah camana sia mau simpulkan. Dia bukan tahun yg calang2 untuk sia. Buat sia terfikir, adakah 2020 akan ikut 2018 atau ikut dia? Sebab sia actually quite prepared untuk jumpa Professor yg ala-ala si 2019 ni. Ya jangan la berlembut sama sia sangat. Jadi la Professor yang garang di luar tapi sebenarnya penuh dengan kasih sayang. Sia akan babai kau 2019 dengan ingatan yang bukan biasa2. Ibaratnya kalau sia berusaha mau dapat ikan selama ni tapi selalu inda cukup, dia kasi beli sia pancing yg canggih, terus dia cakap Kau polish sendiri cara kau memancing!, dia blang dengan garangnya. Kau pikirrrr nda sengsara ka belajar memancing kalau memang bukan bakat semulajadi? Tapi camana juga terpaksa la sebab mau dapat ikan. Hahahahaha. 

Thank you 2019. Thank you God. Syukur. Alleluia Puji Tuhan.

Si Sang Penyeri

Manusia ni pelik. Sometimes you cannot explain why but you just know. Ada benda2 yang kau buat hari demi hari, "sebab it makes you happy" and you can't explain it. Teda sebab yang betul2 nyata.

Mana kau tau kan bila nampak muka si polan, mesti kau happy. Mesti ada somekind of kegirangan dalam hati kau. Kelegaan. Tapi you cannot explain why. Teda juga tu urg bikin apa2 yang buat kau happy. Kalau di zaman IT ni, buli jadi kau stalk socmed tu urang hari2. Check apa update dia hari ni. Ada gambar baru ka. Ada dia tulis apa2 kah? Mesti hari2 kau mau check. Seolah2 itulah PANADOL kau. Tapi dia bukan sepa2 pun. Silap2 kau sendiri sudah berbini, beranak pinak, or at least ada someone special, tapi entah, adalah something yg bikin penyeri kepada hari2 kau. Kalau kau nda nampak orang tu, hari kau nda lengkap. Kalau mau cakap kau ada crush sama tu org pun, nda juga. But you just feel your day is complete after you check out on the person.

Sia ni, well, memang sometimes sia ada funny mind. Dalam pada sia punya pot pet nda henti2, tapi sia lucu juga actually. LOLS. Ok kidding. I mean, fikiran sia ni pun lucu2. Beberapa bulan kebelakangan ni, or even more obvious in the recent weeks, ada this guy from the office nearby, yg teda pun urusan kerja sama sia. But asal dia masuk dari pintu tu, dia mesti tinguk pi ofis sia. Kebetulan tempat duduk sia tu memang buli nampak direct dari pintu masuk building. Office dia sebelah sana, so dia teda reason untuk lalu depan ofis sia melainkan mimang dia berniat untuk saja2 mau limpas. So balik2 I caught the view of his legs walking towards my office. Sometimes dia just make up something silly untuk tanya sia, something like, Sini ada ATM ka? or Kalau datang rumah kau Christmas, ada angpau ka? Soalan2 gitu yang mimang bikin sia react muka hairan. Of course he tried to make a joke la ba tu kunun. Of course he did say more serious things like he thought I was so skillful and he could learn a lot from me. A few times he made a silly suggestion like, We should do a join venture, sedangkan bidang kami berbeza. Sudah balik2 dia bikin gitu, buat sia terfikir, Kenapa sama ni urang ah? The fact that he is married and he sometimes mentions about his wife juga and how he even asked his wife to meet me, sometimes sia rasa dia macam look up to me, but sia pun nda faham why, sebab sia ni biasa2 ja pun. Teda pula sia menampakkan apa2 kehebatan di depan dia setakat ni. Hahahahahahaha. Sampaikan sia fikir lucu2 dalam hati, sebab everytime dia masuk building, most of the time dia mau singgah tempat sia dulu, so sia terfikir, dis guy rasa happy ka tinguk muka sia ah? Sia bikin dia rasa bersemangat ka apa ni ah? LOLS. Hahahahaha. Sebab sia teringat juga kawan indon sia sorang tu yang selalu highlight macamana POSITIFnya sia dan she's been telling everyone why she likes to be around me is because of the positive vibe kunun. Entah la kalau dia sudah ubah fikiran dia selepas 3 tahun kenal sia. Hehehehe.

So, the guy ni actually quite confidential juga sebab nobody knows pun full name dia walaupun ramai orang kenal dia sana. Dia ni jenis yang sempoi and memang suka loyar buruk sama orang2 keliling tapi untuk dia selalu singgah2 tempat sia tu bukan something yg normal to see kalau sudah balik2 and kerap. Buli menimbulkan salah faham juga actually sebab sometimes he sat there sampai sejam dua jam bercerita hal teda2 yang tidak menyumbang kepada kemajuan kerja kami masing2. Tapi dia suka tanya2 sia soalan and sia kan sometimes si-256-knows-all so sia layan juga la soalan2 dia tu. O ya, kamu percaya ka, ramai2 kawan2 sia kan, dia sorang ja yg berani call sia time sia bercuti di Penang. Ngam2 dia call sia tu, sia sedang duduk2 di satu cafe di Gurney Paragon Mall. And a KK number called me, I thought urusan formal. Dia menyamar lagi jadi macam pegawai kerajaan or what. You know what? Hanya untuk tanya sia if I could teach him how to buy from Lazada. I mean, WHAT? Dia beriya-iya mau call sia hanya untuk cakap benda tu? LOLS. I mean he had the guts to even press my number time sia on vacation o kan? Nda pelik kah? Time sia menulis ni baru sia teringat pasal dia call sia tu. 

Actually kemarin, he finally opened up about his life story. I was surprised la sebab sia pun actually nda kenal pun dia ni or latarbelakang dia. I just know dia run a contractor firm that he co-owns with his siblings. He told me dia ni dulu category casanova juga, perempuan keliling pinggang. Kaki pub lagi. Ada gf sana sini. Dia pernah jadi cikgu and dapat surat2 secret admirer dari students2 dia. LOLS. Macam la dia sudah tua kerepot kan style dia cakap pasal kisah silam. He's not even old pun. Tapi memang ada ciri2 good looking juga la. In fact right now pun dia masih ada tu physical attraction juga cuma dia bukan jenis miang2 yang ketara. Cos I know guys yg memang ketara miang tidak buli selindung lagi. But dia tidak. So for me he's harmless. Until yesterday, when he told me a bit about his past, I wonder if he became a bit more comfortable with me that he could just say though I didn't ask. Bila dia mengaku pernah jadi Buaya, I wonder if a Buaya will ever retire or not. LOLS. I wonder if kebuayaan dia tu mau keluar balik or what bila dia jadi terlampau friendly sama sia. Tapi itu just my funny thought. Sia nda buruk sangka sama dia pun tapi sia terfikir ja. Apa yang dia nampak sama sia sampai dia menampakkan interest untuk singgah tempat sia balik2. Macam description yg sia cakap awal2 tadi. Adaka dia rasa hari dia complete kalau dia singgah tempat sia dulu and at least say something walaupun benda yg teda2? Cos I know kepelikan itu wujud. Kepelikan yang we can't explain why something makes us happy or cheerful. I wonder if dia alami benda tu, sebab he seems to never run out of idea when he drops by. Dia mau sia tinguk dia and react or at least ketawa, and then either he leaves or sit there tanya macam2. Sia kepelikan. Apa kena sama ni urang ah? Sia tanya dalam hati sambil tinguk muka dia. LOLS. Sampai sia lucu2 fikir, Dia suka tinguk baju sia ka ni? Ka rambut sia? Kalau mau cakap sia cumil, ndakan la kan. Hahahahahaahhaahaahaha. 

Sebab sia pun ada Sang Penyeri juga bah tapi bermusim. Tapi mostly personality yg dikenali ramai la. Sia suka stalk and follow update dorang, contohnya si MK. Sia suddenly kejap2 check IG dia dulu. Pegi check semua youtube pasal dia. Asal ada masa free, sia check pasal dia walaupun time kerja. Tapi limpas sudah. Sia jadi bosan tengok performances dorang yg lebih kepada berdiri dan bergerak atas pentas, and less singing and rapping sebab mesti pasang background song. So benda2 Penyeri ni bersifat sementara. Kalau sia lah. Kalau buli bertahan bertahun2 tu sudah luarbiasa. It's ok. I don't want that. I rather have penyeri yg bertukar2 sebab sia memang jenis yg cepat bosan juga. Tapi nda pula sia bosan2 menulis ni blog kan? Mau 11 tahun sudah blog sia ni. Makasih la sama yang menjadikan blog sia ni penyeri hari dorang. 

Whatever and whoever your Sang Penyeri is...asalkan untuk benda yang ke arah kebaikan dan tidak memudaratkan. But janganlah to the point yang over sampaikan hidup kau terjejas. Serikanlah hari2 anda secara berhemah. Cuma yang happy2, yang funny2 and yang bagus2 seja la hendaknya yer. Hahahahahaha

Tukang2 Kesian Sekalian...

Kelucuan juga sia tinguk ni netizen sometimes overacting siiikitt. Nampak tu Foodpanda rider tertidur tunggu makanan pun dorang pi share. Dapatlah reaction emoji Muka sedih Kadang2 sia duduk2 lepas makan pun buli tertidur juga di kerusi. Mesti kalau ada urang ambil gambar sia masa tu, silap2 mengundang sebak juga tu kan? LOLS. Nampak tu lelaki hantar makanan dukung2 anak pun snap gambar dan share, maka bermasukan la emoji muka sedih, komen bersimpati dan sebak. Kan anak kecil, biasa la kena dukung oleh bapa. Siap buat kesimpulan lagi itu la bapa mithali. Bapa bayar handphone untuk anak pakai duit syiling pun sebak. Berduit juga pula dia tu ada bikin bayar biarpun syiling. Hahahaha. Dan banyak lagi yg kena share2 dan kena viral2 yang orang panjangkan cerita sedangkan apa yang dinampak tu semua cuma "mentah" dan setakat luaran ja.

I mean, nda salah bah mau sebak dan kesian tapi sia rasa scenario gitu adalah NORMAL sangat2. Di sana sini kita nampak macam2 ragam manusia menjalani hidup sehari-harian dorang. Yang pakai seluar kuyak pi kerja, kasut belumpur, ada yang kau nampak di pisuk2 makan nasi bekal telur goreng. Belum lagi kau nampak masa hujan, urang harung banjir, seluar basah, air sampai lutut padahal dia pi kerja bukan main smart2. Ada yang jalan kaki masa awal pagi gelap lagi mau pi stesen keretapi untuk pi kerja. Kalau kita sibuk perhati ragam sekeliling kita, konfirm si tukang kesian yang buat emoji muka sedih tu akan sayu ja sepanjang hari mengenangkan nasib orang2 yang dia nampak dari jauh tu. Yang bukan pun dorang kanal. Tapi kau punya kesian tu sudah panjang riwayat dia sampai ke negara China.

Don't get me wrong ah. Bukan sia kunun2nya rasa kau nda patut kesian urang. Tapi benda2 yang sia nampak di FB ni, yang dapat beribu komen dan reaction, buat sia terfikir betapa gullible nya netizen2 ni. Satu gambar punya cerita pun jauhhh imaginasi dorang. Tafsiran dorang seolah2 dorang berada dalam life orang tu dari awal sebelum kejadian yang menyebakkan tu berlaku. Hahahaha. Ok, you still don't get my point. Sia masih jahat ni kan di mata kamurang at this point. Hahahaha 

Sia ni pun observer juga walaupun luarannya sia macam inda berapa peduli pun kewujudan kau di depan sia kalau sia nda kenal kau. But I'm the type who observes. And I listen and read a lot. And sia suka susahkan diri untuk fikir dan tanya macam2 soalan dalam kepala sia. Kenapa begitu ah? Kenapa jadi begini? Tidak la bermaksud yang sia terer menilai orang atau situasi. Tapi observation sia tu at least tells me a few things about people. 

That you simply don't know people and who they really are behind the scene. Macam sia rasa a waste of your compassion and reaction (sia rasa kesimpatian kau dan your assumption about someone berdasarkan satu gambar - is already taking some of your precious time and energy) sedangkan bukan kau plan mau really help the person pun or do anything yg buli mengubah "kesusahan" hidup orang tu. Kesian kau tu cuma setakat di komen box or di emoji ja. And the worst case scenario is, the story with the picture not even true pun! Kesian is for people yg betul2 susah, berlapar dahaga teda rumah. Sia mimang nda heran kalau kau kesian dorang2 ni sebab dorang memang realitinya sedang susah. Tapi, seorang bapa bayar handphone pakai duit syiling pun berderet emoji sedih. Silap2 yang tukang kesian tu pula teda duit gitu banyak. Itu cuma satu contoh. Berapa banyak kesian kau yg actually tersilap bagi? Setakat rider Foodpanda tertidur masa tunggu makanan, still you can't tell for sure if tu rider betul2 kurang berharta compared to you. Bukan kau tau pun cerita hidup dorang. Kau waste one kesian yang harus diberikan kepada yang betul2 sah perlukan pertolongan dan belas kasihan.

Sia percaya yang setiap kita ada struggle dan pengorbanan yang harus dibuat. Level kita mostly sama ja. Cuma masa kau perhatikan orang tu, kau rasa kau up dari dia tapi ada time2 kau yg kau pun layak dikesian dengan level yang sama. Hahahaha. Sia ni jarang juga kesian orang kalau setakat benda2 yang selalu kena sebar2 di Fb ni sebab sia cuma tau sebenar2nya adalah selayak mana diri sia sendiri patut kena kesian. Kalau sia guna style dorang berfikir, buli juga nangis 10 hari 10 malam mau layan kesebakan akibat kesiannya diri sia ni. Hahahahaha. Sebab life sia sangat besederhana dan suka ikut kepala sendiri. Bukan semua kegembiraan sia tu orang akan tau kalau setakat tinguk dari jauh. Sometimes sia angkat kertas tebal sebelah tangan, sebelah tangan lagi pegang mineral water, lain lagi beg yg bersandang di bahu, muka berpeluh-peluh, mesti penuh satu perigi sudah airmata kamurang. LOLS. Aduiii kelucuan pula sia. Ya la, secara amnya, mana la ba sia mau buat tu semua kalau sia bukan urang susah kan? Ya la tapi sesusah mana hidup sia, jauh untuk kau tau sebab bukan kau kenal sia pun, kau cuma terbelimpas ja atau nampak dari jauh. Jadi senang hidup sia pun kau tidak tau. Better kau simpan kesian kau untuk yg betul2 memerlukan bahh. Seriously. Untuk orang yg berkudrat lagi macam kami ni, trust me kami masih okay. Kau pula camana, ok juga? Hahahaha

Biar lah. Maybe dorang2 ni masih dalam proses menimba pengalaman dalam penilaian dorang sama manusia sekeliling. Bukan isu besar pun just terdetik di hati sia berkali2 sebab kenapa la dorang suka kasi attention benda yg tidak2. Bukan apa, jan ja terlalu tengok orang lain sampaikan diri sendiri inda tertinguk. Sama2 ja hidup kita ni mempunyai sisi yg tidak indah di mata orang lain. ITU NORMAL. Kalau sia la jadi kamu, nda la sia mau kesian2 orang yg sia nda kenal tu semua. Better sia happy2 ja and positif ja di setiap benda yg sia nampak. Semoga semuanya baik2 dan teruskan perjuangan dalam hidup. Jangan fikir sangat mata orang yg memandang. Bahagia kita cuma kita yg tau. 😃

Do It Sincerely, Or Not At All

We have been brainwashed since childhood. We have been told how to live. We have been tortured about the society standard. We were "formatted" to follow that direction. How did it feel? 

I'm at the stage of my life where I wanted to rebel and get out of that system. It could mean disobedient. It could mean insolence. But I'm done being robotic. I'm done being run by a system. You know what? Deep inside me I long for something. I want to be sincere with myself. It's not fair for everyone or everything else that I associate with, to receive anything less than sincerity. If it's that bad, at least I'm sincere. AT LEAST.

That explains why I stop doing things. It could be one of those that I was formatted to do. I don't think anything deserves my insincere self anymore. I've done so many insincere things in my life. Anything I should be proud about? Those were part of my mistakes. I want to leave it with my past.

So the result of this, though I might look like I change to worse, it's not really the case. But I can't explain to everyone. I just want to do things sincerely from here. This life deserves that side of me. If maturity doesn't give me that, I don't know what else. Lets break this pattern of following the flow that doesn't fit us anymore. We learnt too much to ignore this. So 2020, I guess I will continue with that direction. No regrets. Do it sincerely, or do not do it at all. Fullstop.

2019...How Awesome Are You?

Camana tahun 2019 kamurang? Actually, semasa sia menjalani 2019 ni dari awal tahun lagi, sia sudah dapat sign yg dia ni confirm nda sehebat 2018. Sebab 2018 tu hebat dia lain macam. Sia ni jarang la begitu bertuah untuk dapat tahun yg hebat secara berturut2 so sia sudah jangka yg 2019 adalah tahun suam2 kuku. 

Tetapi siou lah, nda betul ah! 2019 ni perintis kepada banyak benda dalam life sia. Urang cakap Anjakan yang drastik. I mean, the routine I had for the past 10 years, akhirnya pecah rekod di 2019 sebab sia break sia punya routine tanpa dirancang. Kan sia ni suka plan siap2 before I do something big, but ada blessings yg datang tanpa diduga dan sia almost not prepared. Tapi sia tidak la level terkejut sampai inda tau camana mau accept, sebab in fairness, mungkin ada benda yang sia buat for the last 10 years yg melayakkan sia untuk dapat tu semua. And I thought I've already got rewarded last year for all that. Buat sia terfikir, berapa ramai yg buli tunggu 10 tahun untuk mendapat reward? Dalam tempoh tu, kau kena consistent, persistent dan tidak buli give up sekali pun. Kamurang buli kah? 10 tahun bukan singkat. Kalau baby, dia sudah jadi budak darjah 4. Kau buli jamin ka kau nda kan breakdown, kau ndakan putus asa, kau ndakan hilang drive, hilang passion, hilang haluan, and terus terang cakap, Kau yakin ka kau masih percaya kepada impian kau biarpun kau balik2 lalui jalan yang samar dan gelap? Sandi kan bunyi dia. Yg lagi teruk, kau no idea pun ada reward menjelma selepas 10 tahun. Seolah-olah teda bah actually reason untuk kau bertahan kalau kau jenis yg sikit2 give up. Kompom kau sudah give up beratus kali dalam tempoh tu. Jadi kau rasa senang ka susah ni keraja?

So bila finally dapat reward, sia berfikir balik, sia ni bertuah kah atau, memang sia layak dapat? Tapi sia nda lah besar-besarkan perkara tu. Sia bersyukur ja dan buat bagus2. Sebab ni bukan macam kena loteri. Kau dapat duit ja terus kau pi enjoy nda payah fikir banyak. Yang sia ni pula, sia rasa responsibility sia bertambah. Sia kena level up sia punya target. Tapi sia sudah prepare untuk tu sejak 2018 sebab kehebatan 2018 ni sia rasa sia gain power dan keluar dari kepompong limitation yg nda habis2 tu. That rupanya sia buli capai lebih dari ni. Ada rasa sikit sayang sama tahun2 yg berlalu yg sia nda sedar benda tu semua. But then you never know if it took all the lesson from the years to finally get you there. No need untuk pandang belakang. Setiap benda yg lalu adalah membantu dan menyumbang kepada siapa kau hari ni.

Jadi 2020 ni sia plan untuk conquer lebih banyak, break more of my constraints dan maybe lebih banyak jawapan yang sia akan dapat tu masa. Kenapa sia perlu lemah. Kenapa sia perlu takut. Kenapa sia perlu fobia. Kenapa sia masih ragu. Sebab kalau sia nda lalui semua tu, teda la struggle sia yg betul2 bermakna. Sia akan jadi si 256 yg hebat yg tidak langsung memerlukan orang lain. Sia akan angkuh di dunia sia sendiri. Maybe one day sia bersyukur yg sia pernah selemah ini sebab ada sebab untuk tu semua.

So kamu pula camana? Syok kan life ni! Goshh, I never change my mind about this. We are living a gift. Kita buat la yg terbaik. Promise?

Habis Manis, Sepah Dibuang

Macam menjadi2 pula cerita orang putus tunang. My friend who is planning to get married next January, pun on the verge of cancelling the wedding gara2 gaduh besar sama dat guy. Yang peliknya, isu pergaduhan dorang tu bukan benda baru. Benda yang memang ada masa dia walk in into that guy's life. Suddenly now jadi issue besar yang nda buli bawa bincang. Sebelum ni kawan2 lain ada juga komen2 pasal dia ni, sebab nampak macam dia terlampau excited mau kawin sama boyfriend on-off dia yang akhirnya menunjukkan kesungguhan mau kawin setelah lama cuma cakap2 ja. Tapi dalam masa beberapa bulan, dia jadi macam di awang-awangan. Nampak hati berbunga2. To the extent mula pegi rumah dat guy and tolong masak, tolong kemas, tolong kasi bersih dan macam2 lagi. Sampaikan dia selalu ponteng kerja sebab terlampau penat dan nda cukup masa. If you guys remember, ada sia mention dia ni di post sebelum ni. Sempat dia kecil hati sama sia pasal sia cakap suruh dorg kawin cepat2.

Guess what? After a while dia bikin routine baru dia tu, dia sudah sick of it. Dia rasa macam "orang gaji" sebab lelaki tu dan anak2 perempuan bujang dia memang jenis penyemak dan pemalas masak. Awal2 tu dia beriya-iya mau pi rumah lelaki tu buat semua tu tapi sekarang dia meluat. Baru berapa minggu ja pun dia mula sudah mengungkit. She begins to demand macam2 dari dat guy and the daughters and memberontak kalau nda diikut cakap dia. Yeah, logik juga bah. Dia berhak gitu. Sepa la sia untuk bagi opinion sebab she's clearly more experienced sebab pernah went thru divorce before. My friend yg nda berapa ngam sama dia, cakap gini, "Jangan ja nda jadi kawin gara2 habis manis sepah dibuang". Masa tu sia confident cakap, "Nda lahh. Confirm jadi tu."

I'm conservative sikit when it comes to this matter. Ya la kita ni sudah dewasa tapi bukan semestinya semua tindakan kita betul. Bukan dorang cakap, Darah manis ka tu? So for me, kalau memang mau kawin, kawin ja la dulu. No need la ke hulu ke hilir honeymoon duluan macam kau tidak kesabaran. Sebab, apa lagi mau ditunggu kalau sudah awal2 kau honeymoon? Setakat sain surat kawin dan panggil orang makan? Seri orang baru kawin tu nda kisah? Well, in my friend's case, memang teda sudah benda baru selepas sain surat kawin. Malah dia nampak lagi camana dia akan lebih diperhambakan sebab she thinks she gives too much. So maybe ada bagus juga kalau dorang slow down dari mula benda2 macam tu sampailah semua sah. Sekarang ni suddenly mencari kesalahan dan membesarkan hal kecil. Semua jadi gaduh. Sia pula jadi risau kalau dorg cancel nikah. Sia mau dorang teruskan sebab alang2 bah kan? Harap2 semua akan jadi ok.

Bila sia nampak ada artis2 yang beriya tayang ke-sweet-an boyfriend dorang, bikin risau pula. Sebab during relationship, memang sweet ja ba semua especially the first one year. Entah kenapa sia jadi geleng kepala bila nampak macam terlampau mengagungkan boyfriend dorang. Entah, sia pernah buat gitu ka sampai sia ada dis feeling? Maybe pernah oh. Masa tu sia mau semua org tau betapa sweetnya dat guy macam la dia teda cacat celahnya. Nda juga silap sebab dia memang sweet. Tapi akhirnya sia still think he wasn't the one. Akhirnya sia yang malu kalau ingat balik camana la kena canang tu ke-sweet-an. Semua tu nda penting pun kan? Bagus lagi yg suam2 kuku tapi menjadi, dan berkekalan. 

Mudah-mudahan menjadilah semua perancangan kamu yg baik2. Manusia cuma merancang kan? Yang di atas yg menentukan. 

I Could Say No

Actually, we have choice. We always have a choice. I am in the position to say No when my customers make a request. 256, can you do this tomorrow? Sometimes, they don't even deserve to ask me that because I don't owe them anything when they pay no upfront payment (most of the time is because I don't ask for it). Sometimes I'm not sure if I could do it on time so I put it on hold by not asking for any deposit, which means they could risk getting an excuse from me for not being able to get the job done. Which means I'm still contemplating and see how my schedule goes.

But my customers, most of them know that I can do all that but they kind of know that I have empathy. I will not let them go in vain. They know I won't send them go that way. Especially when they say Please. Especially when they say "256, I beg you". Like today, I'm tempted to just reject these few tasks because I have many other things to do in my own schedule and taking a new task will just delay me. I said No without much thought. But that desperation gives me the idea that they really don't know who else could do it in that given time. While on my side, I only need to sacrifice a bit of my time, or maybe forcing myself to be in the mood to do it. Tell you what, maybe Empathy is the word. It feels easier when you have that in your heart.

I could say that I felt used when these customers rushed me and they still get my leniency. I usually did it without extra charge. Not because I couldn't ask for it. I Could. But again, Empathy tells me that they have enuff troubles and I lose nothing if I just do it at normal charge. Because I have it all on my fingertips and I know it. It's just either I want to do it or not.

Yesterday, a customer told me about she wanted to help a friend selling some authentic silver tray, and also she wanted to look for a buyer for this piece of land in KB. I was not interested in those. But today I told that to another friend and that friend was interested. I contacted that customer to ask for some details and she sounded so thankful for me that I actually tried and ask around for her. "Semoga murah rezeki kau" she said. I was like, Ops, what did I do? I did nothing lah. I just ask a friend because she might be interested. I don't think I'm doing anyone a favour. It's like an info that should be shared, so why not?

There's a reason behind everything. You are here for a purpose. God doesn't just give you intelligence so you could put it at the corner for display. He wants you to use all your ability for the things that benefit. But I still think the choice to say No is still up to us. Our conscience of right and wrong. Eventhough I will continue to struggle with every choice of whether or not someone deserves me favour, in the end it's still up to me. "256, you can say No," I imagine God says that. "Yes God, but it's okay. I'll do this just this time". And I keep repeating it. Why is it so hard? What did I lose? Pride? Ego? 

Blessings yang besar this year, sometimes I wonder if those little things I've been doing especially when I wanted so much to say No but I still did it anyway, I wonder if those are the reason for these blessings. 

Whatever it is, I'm on my way to not waste them. 

  

Did it make me a Santa Rina?

Years ago, I think could be around 5 years ago, this lady often came to my place for a chitchat. Sometimes I just couldn't entertain her because I was busy with my work and she just sat there looking at me awkwardly. Shortly after that, she left. That happened so many times. I didn't know what to call her, a customer? or a friend? I couldn't hardly categorize her because most of the time she came there to sit. One day I remember she SMS-ed me, "Take me to work with you." "Pay me a little, I don't mind." I calmly told her, "Sorry, I don't need assistant at the moment. But lets say if I ever need one, I'd let you know". She wasn't offended because she still came and did her routine. Hahaha. Sometimes when I was free, I actually entertained her for a long conversation too. So maybe that kinda built somekind of a friendship although I didn't give much thought about it. 

Then I learnt she landed a job at an early-learning institute for maybe 2 years, and changed to another place, doing something similar. I didn't hear from her after a while because her workplace was quite far from my place. Occasionally she dropped by during her off-days. We updated each other about current happenings and I lost count of what I have told her, what I have not told her, because conversation just flowed without much thinking on my side. She was usually the listener.

So, finally she decided to resign from her job. It didn't go well with her and her workmates. She hated the politics and she felt that she was bullied by them by cutting her pay and stuff. So, she goes back to her own environment. She has more free time to drop by at my place. I did help her find job at my customer's place, but nothing work out. She wanted office hours job and somewhere nearby her house. Without much skills, it was hard for her to get to get a good job actually. She could cook but she didn't want to do it anymore. She wanted something else.

So finally, in 2019, believe it or not. I actually offered her a job at my place. Although just as a partime assistant, she's still the best for the work. You know why? Because all the times when she went to my place and we talked, she actually remembers a lot of things. I was so surprised when she told me about my old tv I used to put at the rack, about the break-in in my office, and many more old stories of mine, like I only told her yesterday. I kept saying, "I told you that? Oh, you know about it? Oh, I did tell you that story right?" This person, has come to know me, and sort of understands me without any effort from my side. For someone who used to drop by, I must lose count how many times she came that she actually knows a lot about my life. Hahahahaha. And today, she finally works for me. I wonder if she had been wishing that since the day she first asked me to hire her.

Actually, it's more interesting than that. Life actually "forced" me to hire her.  I mean, I really can't deny anymore that I need an assistant and there she is. But what got me in this extra busy situation, is also her. She helped me with something, although it was not much effort from her side too but it turned out to be a very massive help to me. Now I have more work to do and I need someone's help, someone that I can trust and understand me. Again, there she is. I can find a few suitable people for the job but they are not in the right position because of their own commitment. But she is very much available and she fulfills all the criteria. Look at how the universe conspires to get us here today and finally I can finally answer her request. Interesting, right?

I don't know, but since Christmas is approaching, I feel like a Santa Rina when I thought I have fulfilled her wish. *giggles.

What Can You Expect From A Man?

Had a conversation with a friend (a divorcee with 3 kids), who recently got married secretly to a married man of 3 kids. I wrote about her situation before. Anyway, she just got back from London where the husband was. After she came back to Sabah, the first wife and the 3 kids's turn to go to London. I bet they had no idea that there was a lady who came first before them and stayed at that  same house room with the husband/father.

The guy told my friend to avoid checking out on the first wive's Fb to avoid seeing any happy photos of them that might make her feel unhappy. But my friend still does it. She showed me one pic she took from the first wife's Fb, of a happy family in London, all wearing big smiles. She told me, "Tipu la kalau sia nda jeles".

I told her repeatedly that she has that strength. You seriously have that strength. But she confessed to me that, Everyday she tells herself to not feel bad with her situation, to not feel jealous. But sometimes she fails. It hurts the most thinking that her husband will touch another woman the way that they touch. But then she realizes it was her who comes second. She only saw the husband like once every few months. Because she is the secret wife. He spends most of his time at the first home. But she likes it that she has all the freedom and still have someone to call a husband without doing her wifely duty everyday. In case you wonder why the husband marries another. He claimed that the wife gives all the attentions to the kids and he feels distanced. They no longer share the same bedroom. The wife actually mentioned about divorce but her terms mean the kids must for with her. The guy doesn't want that. 

To my friend, she is number 1 to the husband. She believes when he tells her he never touches the first wife anymore. That he doesn't love her anymore. That they stay married for the kids. Could be true. But when she was at London the other day, she checked his phone and saw a lady's picture that her husband took secretly. Maybe he saw the lady somewhere and he took her candid picture. My friend was so mad. The husband said, it was a friend's friend and all the bla bla bla. Finally he admitted that he took the picture before he liked to see her body shape. My friend was so mad that the husband actually went to his knees to beg for forgiveness.

Our conversation comes to the point, "What can you expect from a man, anyway?" Hahahahaha. I mean, everything comes out from the man's mouth, sometimes they are sweet to hear but you know they are not likely to be true. Sometimes you have to close your eyes and tell yourself all the lies you want to hear. Again, what can you expect from a man? That he will love you alone for the rest of your life? That he will never look at other girls anymore? That's impossible. I think the conversation got her to the hurtful facts. I saw her face changed a few times. Because I kept dropping the honest bombs about men. Sorry to say but if they have 10 girls offering themselves to him, most men will accept all.

I told her, You have chosen to be in his life. You are married to him. To protect yourself, stop checking on his personal belongings. Don't insist to know everything. You will not like what you find out. I'm sure that after this, you will avoid from knowing too much. Because men are not created the same attributes women are created. I mean, we are very much different. Whatever that is wrong for women to do, we can't expect men to think the same. They function differently. They see female - as many things that bring them excitement. They can be a wife, a friend, an entertainment, a good time, and each woman for different task. For them, tt's not wrong for them to feel this way towards women. As for us, we can't do the same because - like I say, we are just born different from men. So they can never be what we dream of because we dream of the impossible. We can never solve this problem of how to make a man stick to one woman only. If we can't accept the way of their creation, we will forever suffer. I tell her to just carry on, focus on the happy points of her life and her choice of being the secret wife to the guy that she loves. No one can tell her that it's wrong. It's her decision and she will find her happiness from there.

If you ask me, I myself still wonder how can a man love his kids but take the mother of the kids for granted? How can a man love more than one woman and still feel and act like he's the most sincere lover in the world? Men don't deserve that much research. Just accept their creation. That's how they are. Full stop. But it doesn't mean we will accept and agree with anything they do. We know how to retaliate but what can men do? Nuthin. LOLS. Men are selfish. They will let the women fight for them and then as long as one of them wins, it's okay for him as long as he's not the losing part. He will still come home with one woman who manages to beat the other. He will never be empty handed. That's good enuff for him. How selfish. But guess what, don't ask them that they will never admit. They will prove you by their act so no sweat. LOLS.

I write this without thinking. If I read this again sometime and regret something, I'll take this down. LOLS. Well, I have to write something in case anybody misses me kan...:PPP Hahahaha

5 Nites In Penang

I went on a 5-nite vacation in Penang started from last week and went back yesterday. I was already planning since July because I wanted it to be worthy for all the money and time spent on it. Teda la lagi sia mau bikin something and waste it. You may get all the money back but not the time. Agree?

So what did I get from the trip this time? That sebaik-baik perancangan, there's no guarantee that it's gonna happen like what you expect it, and then I began asking myself if I was just too perfectionist, or was it all just greed? Sempat lagi sia self-reflect diri sia sendiri, cos everything that didn't go my way made me feel frustrated inside, like it was already incomplete before it was even done. But sia thankful yang sia still rational juga untuk fikir and adjust myself with the uncertainties and possibilities. 

If something doesn't go our way, it doesn't mean we should just bow to it and call it a failure. Why don't we make it a bit more exciting by anticipating better surprises to unfold. It made me think how I handle things in life. Walaupun I hate failure but I was never a stranger to it. Entah berapa kali mistakes yang sia bikin, yg lame, yg repeated, but still sia nda jera pun. Sia masih terus melangkah ke depan. Actually, when I thought I could not take No, I was underestimating myself ja selama ni.

Like this Penang vacation, banyak tempat yg sia mau pegi. Initially, bagi sia, kalau semua tu sia bikin, baru la trip sia successful. Tapi since it was a family trip, we have to adjust to masing2 punya plan juga. Ada yang more to exploring malls and shopping, which to me is a waste of time because malls are nothing new in Sabah pun. Bila pegi state yang top macam Penang ni, jan kita expect di setiap celah pun jauh lagi advance dari tempat kita. In fact, the first shopping mall yg kami pegi di Komtar, I was surprised tengok building yg begitu outdated, reminded me of dulu2 punya building time sia masih kecil. Not sure if it was done purposely since Penang has Unesco World Heritage sites kan, or maybe memang Komtar is among building yg getting old but never gets a makeover sebab it's partly offices of government departments di bahagian atas tu mall. But it was old bahh. Kalau check di google, Komtar sentiasa kena list antara shopping mall yg famous and must visit di Penang. Seriously sia rasa terkejut juga sebab macam sia balik pi zaman sia kecil2, round2 shop yang suasana macam tu. And then Prangin Mall was a bit better. And then Queensbay mall and Gurney Paragon Mall definitely Imago punya standard, which means bukanlah terlampau canggih sampai kita rasa kerdil. We have seen things like that in our beautiful land of Sabah.

One more thing yg sia upset is tempat2 makan yg kena cakap2, kena viral, kena suggest di google and social media, mostly Overrated bah. We went to Deen's Nasi Kandar, kedai tu walaupun baru buka masa tu tapi barisan sudah panjang. Itu tempat boleh dikatakan bukan di lokasi yang luas dan strategik. Tempat orang baris tu actually adalah jalanan motor, and selepas sempat berbaris di bawah panas, sampai ja tempat makanan tu, I dekat ndatau apa mau pilih sebab choice tidak banyak, sayur2 pun cuma ada satu dua, teda pun nasi briyani yang sepatutnya what Indian stalls are famous for, and I had to pick 3 lauk yg asal ada, untuk mau rasa ja camana masakan dorang. I'm not a fan of Indian eateries sebab makanan2 dorang jarang yg ngam di tekak sia. Signature dish macam curry pun usually rasa tidak mengena. So expected la nasi kandar ni won't impress me that much dengan nasi kuah banjir begitu but rasa statik ja. I prefer Malay and Indo foods yang more variety, ada masa merah, masak kicap, masak sambal, sayur macam2 jenis, ikan, daging, semua dengan macam2 variety masakan. That's my kind of foods. 

Ada satu tempat roti canai famous and recommended at Jalan Transfer, guess what, it was not even a proper outlet. Di tepi kaki lima ja dorg bikin. Orang yg makan pun asal2 kena taruh meja yg muat  di kaki lima tu. But orang berbaris juga gara2 viral dan selalu kena recommend. I stayed at a hotel nearby on the 3rd day and managed to walk there to buy the roti canai. Adeiiii. Sia tapau ja la sebab suasana di sana not inviting at all. Roti canai dia pun sembarang ja dorg bikin asalkan jadi. Teda sudah shape dia. Kalau di sini, order2 di restoren pun sikit2 kita complain liat la, keras la, at least shape dia nampak macam sedap, yg ni totally tidak peduli tu semua. Hahahaha.  So sempat tapau 4 roti kosong, 2 roti telur, 1 roti daging (roti yg kena simbah dengan daging curry yang cawir yang amat...Hahahaha). Kuah kari dia pun cawirrr la amat juga, macam kena simpan2 air untul refill ni. Uina, cewewet juga ka dat kemon? Hahahaha. Actually, even di Sabah pun kita buli jumpa juga makanan2 yang not up to our standard, tapi sia yakin tu tempat indalah kena viral, siap dikasi recommend sama tourists yang datang. Macamana la sia nda frust kan? Penang is famous for the foods bah urang bilang. Nda salah kalau sia expect high sama makanan dorg esp yang kena recommend. Ada sekali tu ja kami dapat visit ni street food hawkers di New Lane street food dekat Sunway hotel at Macalister road. Sana makanan dia ok, tapi semua Chinese lah. Dan kalau minta kuey teow, mesti mix sama pork and prawn ja. Chicken pula teda. Sia yang bukan pemakan pork ni ada limitation la, but still ok juga. At least buli makan walaupun not enuff untuk dapat pujian melambung dari sia lah. Hahahaha. Beli sana, beli sini, duduk makan di meja, pun lebih juga RM100 sebab drinks dorang mahal, like satu juice RM6 to RM7.50. Jangan expect anything cheap in Penang lah kan? Hahahha. One grab driver told us, tempat2 makan yang betul2 sedap, yang senyap2 dan bukan yg kena viral. So anggap seja u need to stay longer in Penang to find out mana yg betul2 ngam sama selera kau. Sepa2 yang claim that Penang has the best street foods may have better arguments to back up their claim la. Maybe they find the right spots and tested enuff foods everywhere. 5 hari tu sangatlah tiada untuk experience tu semua. Inikan lagi yg sehari dua? Atukoi.

Yang menarik pasal Penang ni, dia ada pulau dan tanah besar. They have bus ferry yang beroperasi macam ala-ala bas, means dia akan bawa kau seberang pi Penang mainland (Butterworth, Bukit Mertajam etc) ikut timing dia jalan, bukan tunggu penuh. Tambang pun baru RM1.20 tu pun time balik baru bayar. Means kalau kau pi mainland dan stay di situ, kau jimat lah RM1.20 tu. Hahahaha. Sampai di Butterworth, buli ambil KTM pegi destinasi macam2. Ke KL ka, ataupun pegi Perlis terus di Padang Besar yang dekat sama Thailand sudah. Kalau kamurang mau cuci mata and cari pengalaman, buli juga tapi jangan expect kamu buli shopping sakan di Padang Besar. Barang2 di sana mostly sama ja sama barang2 yang kita jumpa di sini. Baju2, beg2, except for dorang ada jual tshirt yg print Padang Besar and Thailand punya lah. Price pun macam lebih kurang sini ja. Sia betul2 ndatau apa mau beli sana sebab sia sendiri pun hari2 ni shopping mall di sini, dan memang kaki tegar Shopee. Almost teda benda yang menarik di situ untuk sia beli. Kami makan di satu kedai makan sana, dengan rasa makanan yang ala-kadar, bill dekat rm250. Kalau makan di KK, standard seafood sudah tu. But ya lah, orang cakap it's all experience. Sometimes selagi benda tu kau nda find out sendiri, kau akan sentiasa curious and anxious untuk tau. So begitu lahh realitinya.

One more thing, Penang definitely tapping on dorg punya status as tourism spot. Ala2 di luar negeri sudah when ada tukang ambil gambar yang akan snap gambar kau tanpa kau suruh, and dorg print sedia gambar tu dengan harapan kau akan pegi claim dan bayar. Dorg charge bukan murah tau, RM60, RM70 (RM70 at Penang Hill for 2 photos yg sudah kena edit background). Dorang sudah prepare equipments yg canggih, yang produce printouts dengan cepat dan berkualiti, and they store the pics di satu website and they give you the code untuk claim tu gambar later on. I wonder if Sabah akan mula bikin gini soon. Remember we have Mt Kinabalu, dorang teda kan? Hehehe. I still don't fail to appreciate our motherland even more selepas pigi tempat urg. Everytime sia upset with tempat yang sia lawat tu, sia akan terfikir, mesti dorang rasa awesome kalau pi tempat kami kan? Hahahaha. Sebab banyak benda yang memang awesome lagi tempat kita bah! Kompom!

Last but not least, tempat tinggal we booked online. At least sia tau and confident sudah mau book online selepas tengok reliability tu websites yang handle booking ni. Nda juga sia mau generalize but tempat2 yang kami pegi tu memang kebersihan tip top, security pun tip top, and walaupun orang sana fikir kami orang Indon, tapi they are used to outsiders dalam tempat dorang so dorg akan layan baik2 juga. One more thing, there's something about Penang yg buat sia rasa it's quite a safe place juga. One of the grab drivers pun cakap jangan takut jalan malam di sini sebab safe lagipun banyak tempat makan lebih rancak sebelah malam. One bitter fact about us Sabahans visiting Penang adalah ada yg tidak tau pun Sabahans are considered Malaysians. The first grab driver yg ambil kami dari airport pun sudah doubt yg we would be entitled to the free bus service Rapid CAT sebab "itu untuk orang local saja, yang ada Mykad". Sandi kan? Hahahaha. It's ok, we still get all the special price for Malaysians juga di mana2 kami pegi (from tambang to entrance fee) asalkan kasi tunjuk MyKad ja. Sia fikir minority ja kes orang2 seberang sana yg ndatau pasal status Sabah Sarawak as part of Malaysia bila kena viral di FB. Rupanya ramai lagiiii yang macam dorang cuma tidak diviral ja. Hahahaha.

So ok lah juga, camana pun, jauh perjalanan luas pandangan. Biasalah la tu kalau ada pro and cons. Tak kenal maka tak cinta kan? Next time will be better I'm sure. Lets travel more next year!

Dia & Kisah Lampau

Hayat manusia ni cuma sekali. Dia cuma sekali ja umur 1 tahun, sekali ja umur 18 tahun, dan kalau dia bertuah, dia merasa la umur 50 tahun. Tidak akan terjadi umur yang berlaku selama 2 tahun. Jadi kau suka atau nda, umur kau akan tetap bertambah setiap selagi kau masih ada.

Biasa lah dalam kehidupan ini, stage2 dalam kehidupan manusia. Looking for a partner is sesuatu yg common, though tidak wajib, but most likely it's just the next thing for every single person. Kalau kau jumpa someone you like at 18 years old, most probably the person only has his childhood and teenagehood story to tell. Depending on how adventurous the person is, how brave he was and stuff. But average person doesn't have that much of big stories to tell yet at 18 years old. But kalau kau ditakdirkan jumpa dat person di usia 20 ke 30 tahun kemudian, kau nda buli expect the same thing sama partner kau tu.

There's something crucial that you have to deal with. His past. His scars, both invisible or not. Of course it's easy to just mention his achievements, but what about his history? Adalah kawan sia sorang ni yg memang ada plan kawin sama lover dia. Both janda and duda. So kawan sia ni terjumpa satu album di rumah lelaki tu. Ada semua gambar2 lelaki tu sama bini lama, gf lama walaupun bukan semua. Terus kawan sia tanya dengan berang, kenapa ada album tu? Lelaki tu explain yg dia nda tau pun pasal album tu. Kawan sia nda pecaya. Dia lempar macam2 tuduhan, What if begitu, What if begini? So lelaki tu sudah abis fikir camana mau bikin dia pecaya. If you ask me, sia sendiri pun doubt juga if the guy was saying the truth, cos I was not there but dari apa yang sia tau, the guy was quite a womanizer juga dulu. My friend punya concern is dia takut tu lelaki diam2 masih ada hati sama ex dia. Manatau kasih dorang bertaut semula. So my friend came to me, Kalau kau la di tempat sia, apa akan kau buat?

I said, "Kak, memang ini lah yg kita kena hadap kalau masuk dalam hidup orang di usia matang. Dia sudah ada masa lampau. Kalau kita mau fikir apa yang sudah dia bikin, mesti kita sakit hati tanpa batas. Imagine, lelaki tu pernah kawin 3 kali. Tidak masuk lagi gf dan scandal yang tidak sempat kawin. But u told me once, "Yang lepas tu, lepaslah". Sebab dia pernah gaduh sama dat guy and lose contact sampai dekat 2 tahun despite the guy sudah pernah mention niat mau kawin. Dalam 2 tahun tu, banyaknya soalan yg tidak terjawab. Did you date anyone that time? Who is that woman? Dari mana kau kenal dia? Sejauh mana hubungan kamu? So selagi kawan sia tu berkeras mau cari jawapan kepada semua soalan dia, memang diri dia akan diselubungi kemarahan, kesangsian dan kesedihan.  Selepas dorang hook up semula, dia actually penat sudah mau tanya soalan2 lalu. Dia biarkan ja la, yang penting dorang happy dapat hook up balik. So I thought ok sudah dorang. Rupanya buli pula timbul balik kisah lampau.

Sepa la yang teda kisah silam kan? What about dia sendiri? Dia sendiri mengaku dengan sia dia banyak kisah silam yang memalukan. Rasanya kalau lelaki tu pun mau bongkar semua, adakah ada keamanan dalam hidup dorang? Ngam ka timing dia untuk hukum satu kesilapan yg urang bikin berpuluh tahun lalu? Well, it's cliche sebenarnya bila kita dengar yang jangan hukum seseorang berdasarkan kisah silam dorang BUT kalau kita cermin diri kita, bagus betul ka kita kan? Thats why dorang cakap, just because We sin differently, doesn't make you better than me. 

Guess what, you don't have a choice. Umur kita entah sampai bila jadi rationalnya tidak buka kisah lampau tu sebab diri kita yang hari ni, BUKAN orang yg sama macam yang dulu tu. And we simply don't have enough time to waste dengan benda2 yang sudah di belakang kita. Sibuk2 kita bercakap pasal cerita 20, 30 tahun lalu, jam tetap berdetik. Kau mau dia balik pi zaman silam untuk ubah sesuatu dalam life dia masa tu supaya hati kau senang? You know that's stupid to even have the idea. It's not do-able. Sibuk2 mengungkit kisah silam urang, sepa tau partner kau pun pun terang-terang nampak ketidaksempurnaan diri kau but still accept kau seadanya, bukannya pasal kau memang awesome secara semulajadi. Harap kau nda perasan la kan? LOLS. Sia ni senang ja tulis gini, sedangkan sia sendiri pun ada problem mau deal with kisah silam org. Mesti semua benda pun mau tau sebab ya la, kisah silam tu mungkin sudah di belakang. Tapi ada echo dia lagi. Mana la kita tau ada surprises2 dari masa silam yang tiba2 muncul dan menghantui. Garsh. Sudah2 lah tu. Tidak akan habis the blaming game kalau gini kan? Tengok ke depan dan cari lah kebahagiaan di setiap sudut hidup sebagai siapa diri kita hari ni. Jangan sia-siakan masa. Time is ticking, my friends. Lets find nothing but happiness. 

To My Front-Liners...

One stage in your life, you thought that you wanted to impress everyone, including the strangers you meet at the street. You wanted to answer every questions people ask you. You wanted to say something nice so that people would smile. During that, we actually tried so hard to just Be Likeable. We wanted everyone to love us or at least say something good about us. The down side is that, when we fail, we fall flat. Just one person against us, we feel like we lost the battle of being liked by everyone. That's once upon a time.

After we experienced so much rejection, hatred, misunderstanding, disapproval, and the likes, we sort of getting a grip of reality. So one day we wake up, WE DON'T CARE that much anymore. We just admit that We can never be liked by everybody.  We quit trying. Maybe we realize, the only people we care to please are those front-liners. I call the front-liners people are those WHO ALREADY decide to just believe in me. Not that I deserve it but they just found a comfortable point to just trust me that much that I can somehow deliver. Maybe they are just tired of looking everywhere else. So these people, I will answer them, I will listen to them, I will tell them, I will show them and I will do what they request. Of course time to time, I could just get new addition to my front-liners but if you need that much convincing, I may just let it go. I'm thru with the chapter where I will beg you to trust something in me. If you can't find the reasoning, you are free to move on. Find something else you don't need convincing. You are meant to be in someone else's front-liners. Not mine.

I remember I saw this very impressive IG selling stuff that I like. Then I took the number. I contacted that number with a very basic question like, Do you do this? How much are you charging? And I only received one reply and never again. At first, I thought the business owner was so inefficient. How could you market your products everyday, putting your number in public welcoming people to just text any question but then you just don't reply.  I didn't get it. Until one day when I was in the same situation. I received texts with very basic questions like they read nothing of what I already posted.  Like they just found your number and decided they wanted to give you a try and see how are you gonna impress them enough to make a purchase. Guess what. I ignored it. Maybe the person feels what I felt before when my message was ignored. Do you get it why I did that? Because I already get the sign that the person is not likely gonna be my front-liners. They need too much convincing. They don't do homework or extra reading. In other words, they are not likely gonna be "my people". If they are, they will go around and find information that is already available. They will even call me directly and cut all the intro. My people won't have to waste our time for all the intro. My people will make the effort because they think I deserve it. 

To my front-liners, you are who I should care to please and do my best. Because you are my believers and I am given the chance to prove my worth because of YOU. I will not care the majority who will just pass me by and I don't mind to be invisible to them. They don't have time to appreciate my potential, to value my skills, to care about what I feel, but they have time to do the same to someone else. Then they are that person's front-liners. So quit arguing. If you are not, you are not. I only care about the those who ARE.

To my front-liners, THANK YOU. 

"Kawan Yang Sempurna"

I consider myself a peace loving person to the people in my surrounding. Either they are my friends or I don't talk to them at all. I don't like enemies. I rather Not know you than make you my enemies. So biasanya, pergaduhan antara kawan2 ni sia jarang terlibat. Sia biasa jadi orang yg di tengah. Lets say two of my friends are having cold war, they both are in terms with me knowing that I'm in good terms with the friend they are having cold war with. So that's me. 

Recently, something happened. This friend did not go to my place anymore for 2 weeks. It never happened before. So I learnt from another friend, that she was actually offended by something I said. WHATTT? Of course I was shocked. So she was offended about a comment I made about her relationship with her lover. I told her, "Kak, bagus kamu kawin cepat lah." I said that because she has been going to the guy's house and this caused argument between her and her daughter. I knew they are planning to get married anyway. Why not wait until they are married before she begins going to the guy's house and cause suspicion? Or else, just get married already so she'll be staying with the guy legally. Wasn't my comment obviously the best solution? She was offended, according to this other friend thats why she refused to talk to me for 2 weeks. After that, it was fixed on its own because she has stuff to talk to me about work and it was already behind us the moment I learnt that she was once offended. Seriously I'm not used to this.

Wujudnya kawan2 yang Batu Api di kalangan kita. Kalau situasi yang terjadinya pergeseran macam tu, ada golongan yg bertepuk tangan. That other friend tried to api-apikan. Something yg sepatutnya secret, iaitu luahan hati kawan yg offended tu, dia simply pegi tell kawan kami yang satu lagi, and kawan tu tell me. The other day dia ada try untuk buka topic tu di whatsapp, but sia dapat rasa bad aura dari style dia tulis, so I did not entertain it. So dia pi bagitau kawan yang satu lagi before kawan tu akhirnya bagitau sia. You know what I said to that friend yang bagitau sia? "Next time u hear anything bad about me, keep it to yourself. I don't want to know."

Betul. Sia tidak berminat mau tau benda yang orang bawangkan pasal sia. Begini bah aturan dia. Kalau la ada kawan yang meluah rasa dengan kita, pasal si polan dan si polan, benda tu kau keep sorang ja cukup lah. Bukan benda baik pun. FAHAM? Selepas hal tu, baru sia sedar berapa banyak benda macam tu yg sia keep sendiri ja. Sia kan tempat kawan2 meluah, so sia biasa dengar macam2 cerita Terkecil hati, Tersalah cakap, Tersinggung, but remember this, ITU SEMUA PERKARA BIASA dalam kehidupan manusia. Kau tidak payah treat benda tu macam hal sensasi. So bila sia warning yang STOP TELLING ME STUFF yg negative, which then I told her this, "I heard so many bad stuff about you guys too, but did I ever tell you?" Kenapa mesti menyemai kebencian. Luahan hati is peristiwa singkat. Dia akan berlalu dengan masa. Treat them dengan hati yg ringan. Sebab apa sia cakap gitu?

Sebab banyak lagi benda yang best untuk kita share dengan kawan2. Kalau sia tersilap cakap, anggap sia beruntung kalau kamu faham niat sia bukan jahat. Mungkin sia salah pilih intonasi or perkataan, but Who is perfect among us, again? So kepada orang2 yang suka bikin kerja BATU API tu, actually kamu kawan yg toksik. Kamu boleh kasi gaduh satu komuniti, satu kampung and so on. Hidup kita ni sudah penuh dengan masalah, kita mau happy2 ja dengan kawan2 and family. Jangan buang masa kumpul kebencian. Kalau kau buli tukar tu kebencian pakai DUIT, sia pecaya juga lah. Tapi nda buli kan? What do you get? NUTHIN.

Bagus lagi kita cari duit buli pi melancong happy2. Kita semua manusia lemah. TIADA KAWAN YG SEMPURNA. Don't expect them to be. 

Rezeki Tidak Salah Alamat

Biasa sudah kita dengar orang cakap gitu kan?  Baru2 tu, sia jumpa balik sama satu customer veteran sia yg sorang ni. Lama sudah nda jumpa dia. So kami cerita2 la sikit. Entah camana buli keluar dari mulut dia benda ni. "Syukurlah sudah rezeki kau. Selama ni kau selalu kasi free, kasi biar orang bayar ansur2, Tuhan kira semua tu. Pasal tu la dia kasi kau rezeki yang banyak." Actually sia terkejut kejap bila dia cakap gitu. Sebab sia nda ingat pun bikin benda2 tu semua. Only sama customers yang veteran2 mcm dorang, memang sy lebih sikit sabar dari biasa. Sia punya kesabaran dari segi accommodate dorang. Trying to understand apa yg dorang mau dan maksudkan. I have to do it somehow sebab sia rasa bukan semua akan give customers that much attention. If sia nda bikin, mungkin dorang akan terkapai2 mencari di mana yg sudi. So sia selalu anggap benda tu challenge sebab they needed special attention. Tapi sia buat semua tu bukan sebab sia memang ada kesabaran tu. No. Sia buat atas dasar sia kena juga complete tu task. Ada beberapa kali sia try reject, dorang berkeras mau sia bikin. Sebab tempat lain definitely tidak larat mau layan dorang. Maybe ada a bit of perikemanusiaan juga di situ. But I am not really a patient person. It's so easy to get on my nerve. So sia bukan layak kena ingat sebagai the most considerate. I don't always give discount or free gifts. Only when situation yg sia ringan hati. Ataupun sia rasa sudah cukup mahal yang dorang kena bayar, sia sengaja kasi free or kasi ikut one item tanpa kira harga. I mean, my price is already mahal dari biasa, so at least dorang rasa ringan sikit kalau sia bikin gitu. Secara spontaneous ja ikut gerak hati. So sia nda begitu ingat sangat. Until la dat makcik cakap, then baru sia terfikir. Ada juga la kebaikan yg sia bikin kan? Memang kalangan customer yg veteran tu juga, sia bagi kelonggaran dorang bayar dulu apa yg ada. Ada juga yg pernah datang ambil ja tanpa bayar satu sen. Pun sia sabar juga. Entah la, rupanya ada kesabaran "simpanan". Tapi tu cerita lama. 

Is it pasal some kebaikan masa silam, yang memungkinkan kita dapat kesenangan di masa kini? Tapi pada masa yang sama, kita sentiasa bikin benda yang salah juga. Kadang2 kita berkira, mau orang bayar semua hutang, selagi orang nda bayar, selagi tu la kita bising dan mengaus. Cos life ni short, but susah kalau teda rules. Kau kena ikut aturan2 yang ditetapkan. Kau berhutang, kau kena bayar kan? So jangan dulu kita kira jahat orang kalau kita yg menyebabkan dorang jahat. Setakat ini, sia tidak juga mau rebut hak orang. Sia masih mau ikut rules. So, remind me, maybe I'm still in the right way. Biarlah sia masih si lurus bendul yg bikin panas. Anyway speaking of rezeki, actually sometimes kau kena "claim" rezeki tu, baru dia jadi kau punya. Kau nda buli just duduk ja sana and hairan why tidak kau dapat. Or camana pun, jangan lupa. You are nothing, and you are not even great on your own, if's it's not for the mercy of God. Ni sia percaya juga camana pun sia faham yg sia perlu berusaha untuk dapat something. But pernah kan kau usaha camana pun still nda dapat? Thats why it's easier to believe there's another element yg kau perlu. He has to will it before it become yours. 

Syukur apa yang ada dan teruslah melangkah ke depan. Nikmati kehidupan dan explore life dengan cara yang sebaik-baiknya. Hopefully more and more rezeki akan datang sama kita. Amen to that!

Blissfully BLESSED

Sia pernah bercakap pasal "one fine day" kan? Banyak kali idea pasal ni sia tulis di sini. Something yg kau impikan tapi susah mau dapat, but then sia percaya yang Akan tiba harinya yang kau akhirnya akan berpeluang untuk dapat. Tapi teda sepa tau bila. Jadi dalam pada menunggu hari tu, kau teruskan hidup dengan struggles kau. Pokoknya, adakah kau percaya yang One Fine Day tu wujud untuk kau? Teori sia adalah, BE PREPARED for it. Supaya bila dia datang, kau sudah ready untuk grab dia. Remember I wrote that?

Actually, a "one fine day" finally happened to me a few months ago. Sangat tidak disangka2. Tapi sia tidak melatah atau terlalu excited, sebab I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED. Sia manusia yg percaya kebesaran Tuhan dalam life sia. So bila dia buat benda ni, sia tidak buli cakap sia terkejut, sebab sia tau Dia memang hebat. Cuma he really got me cos I didn't expected it that time. Camana  pun, mungkin sebab sia sudah biasa dengan kesusahan struggles sia sehari2, sia berpijak di bumi yg nyata. Seolah2 doa2 yang bertahun2 tu God suddenly kasi sia pada hari tu. Sia kagum camana dia bikin jalan di tempat yg tiada jalan. Benda yang mustahil, dia kasi jadi ikut kemahuan Dia. Itu yg bikin sia kagum sebab bukan selalu kita nampak benda ni. Kau fikir kau si pendosa yang nda dipeduli. Si kerdil yg berdoa, tapi selalu dia kena kasi sikit2, dia wonder juga itu fluke atau memang satu rencana. God ada masa tengok sia ka dalam lautan manusia2 yang jauh lebih bagus dari sia?

Hari tu sia dapat jawapan. YES, God sebenarnya memang selalu perhatikan sia. I already know this tapi mana la tau yg sia perasan ja. So dalam blessing yg besar tu, God still challenge sia juga. Can you handle it? Sia pun berkakai juga masa tu. Rupanya bukan percuma setiap blessing God tu. Dia still kasi kita kerja juga. Kau lalai ja, maybe kau buli hilang tu blessing. I'm careful walaupun sia terbabas juga sekali sekala. So okay, that's the one fine day that finally happened.

Suddenly, I got another one. Like WOWWW. Betul bah ni?? Terus sia rewind beberapa tahun yg lalu, exactly about the same thing yg sangat memalukan sia, tapi sia hadap juga walaupun sia rasa orang keliling sia kasi ketawa sia. Tapi sia berfikiran positif ja dan kuatkan hati. Kerdilnya sia rasa masa tu. Malu dia tu sampai sekarang sia rasa. Tapi entah, kenapa masa tu sia buli terfikir, One day mungkin hari sia. Tapi entah bila. Entah kenapa sia pandai2 fikir yg benda yg berlaku masa tu "cuma selingan". Ada lagi climax yang sangat awesome menunggu sia. Tapi tahun demi tahun, teda juga. Sia nda juga give up, cuma sia terlupa sudah. Mungkin ada cara lain yg sia akan tebus tu semua. FINALLY, it happened. Sia nda habis fikir camana buli terjadi semua tu. Seolah-olah, I said to God, "God, I want that one." And u assumed memang kau nda akan dapat semua sebab God usually ada cara dia sendiri mau kasi kau. Tapi instead, "Nahh, I give you what you want. Take it" Then I went, BETUL BAH NIII??? Seriouslyyy???

So walaupun lately mood sia on and off  dengan kesihatan yg nda berapa ok, tapi kamu jan silap. Dalam hati sia melompat kegembiraan, dipenuhi dengan bunga2 yang warna warni dan ceria. Mungkin semua distraction ni bikin sia relax, dan jangan terlalu excited dengan semua tu. Ya, it helped! So dalam pada ni semua, I still want to say not even one time yg sia lupa BLESSINGS yang besar yang sia terima ni. Teda makna tu ucapan thank you sebab terlalu kecil untuk represent sia punya gratefulness ni. Satu ja sia harap. I hope I can be given kebijaksanaan yang setimpal untuk blessing ni semua. 

Thank you Lorddddd!!!

Isn't Our Time Running Out?

Sepedih-pedihnya satu kebenaran tu, dia tetap fakta. Same like hayat manusia. Life ni begitulah bestnya kan? Tapi rupanya sementara ja. Sometimes just the thought of it hurts enough. Sakitnya untuk terima yang each and everyone of us will never escape this. Pernah juga beberapa kali sia terfikir, Kenapa lah sia kena lahir di dunia ni? Now I have to experience quitting it. O man it hurts.

Biarpun masih optimis dengan hari2 yang mendatang, tapi kepedihan tu slowly kita telan. Saban tahun, umur meningkat, bukankah bermaksud kita MENGHAMPIRI masa tu? Every birthday celebration is just, Yeahh, you are a step closer to your ending!! Sakit kan? Sakit bila fikir terpaksa kau tinggalkan awesomeness of this life and the people that you love. Fuh, better don't go there.

My point now is, Get realistic. Stop acting like you don't know it. Evaluate dengan cara yang practical. Like this hoarding habit of mine. Berapa lama lagi sia mau simpan semua benda2 tu? Yang one day I might wanna use them but I have not used them for the past 8 years (for example). Should I allow things from dat 8 years ago to occupy more space in my life? Simpan habuk dan menyumbang kepada timbunan kesemakan dalam life sia yang obviously needs more space untuk benda2 baru. This used to be heartless but maybe not anymore. Tomorrow I will let go a lot of stuff from my hoard habits. They are losing their values. Shall I need them one day, I will have to take the risk and just believe that I know where to find. I can no longer rely untuk "one day" that has not come at least in 8 years ago (just putting a number to describe some of the stuff I've been keeping can be that old or even older). Worse is, I don't even remember I have them. I just know there is a clutter of old stuff at the backyard but I can't recall what are they. Terrible, isn't it?

Maybe sia terima kenyataan yang The rest of my life is what I have left. Sia sudah lalui zaman budak2, zaman remaja and sudah merasai tahun2 di zaman dewasa. My time shouldn't be that long compared to the random kids yang sia nampak berlarian di padang sekolah. I cannot think like them. Thats why sia ambil satu plastik hitam, stuff my baju2 yang sia suka tapi sia tidak pakai lagi. Ada yang sia masih muat tapi sia ndamau pakai lagi sebab banyak lagi baju sia yang baru dan belum dipakai. So sia paksa diri untuk isi tu plastik tanpa fikir panjang. You know why? Sebab sia realistik yang sia belum tentu ada another 50 years untuk pakai tu baju2 semua. Lagipun sia sentiasa beli baju baru. Kenapa begitu clingy dengan benda2 silam, right?

I just want to remind myself once again that, this is how it's done. Jangan terlalu fikir BILA, tapi stop ignoring the fact that we have done our Alpha, and the law says we must have our Omega. If you ask me how do I feel about it? Not necessarily bad. At least tidaklah sia terlalu berlengah. At least sia happy bila sia spend extra time at work. Remind myself again, this is what I love. I pick this and God gives it to me. And di umur-umuran sia sekarang ni, dengan banyak2 little studies or social experiments yang sia bikin, kita nampak macamana Things Change. Jangan pelik, jangan gelabah, dan JANGAN expect semua benda akan sama. Sama macam diri kamu sendiri. Kamu fikir kamu masih sentiasa cool macam dulu? No way. Tettt. Silap. What I mean is kamu cool dengan cara yang berbeza sekarang. Embrace it. Quit meracau kenapa semua keliling kamu tidak sama. Ada kamu say thanks sama benda2 awesome yg baru dalam life kamu? Itulah pampasan dia. 

Bah buli kah kita pandang ke depan ja mula dari sekarang? Ada juga sia terfikir mau quit this blog and maybe do something else masa sia free. Itupun sia sudah cukup bertahan o kan? Semua kawan2 bloggers yang lain sudah give up on blogging. Why am I still here? Hehe :PP  Well, I'm preparing myself to do something bigger in my life next. Mau push lebih and mau achieve lebih. Diri sia yang kerdil ni, sometimes sia terfikir juga, sia larat kah? I think I do :)

Note: Who knows one day sia akan tired jadi si 256, kan?

One Quiet Day

Yesterday was a torturing day for me. I supposed to be in the buffet lunch celebrating my dad's birthday, but the sickness suddenly got the better of me, I could not even think of going outside the house. I wanted to limit my communication, my activities, I just wanted to REST. My explanation was much needed for canceling my attendance in the last minute but I didn't even have the energy to do that. I just entered the Zombie mode. Heartless and Wordless. I expected that people could just understand.

The real struggle was I was not healthy. My head was spinning from last nite's sleep, my throat was sore, my voice box was aching, I could not even speak a word properly. My body was also aching everywhere. I could not walk for a longer distance. My legs were shaking. So I had to forget about going out for a meal fiesta. What I did the whole day was, BE QUIET. I spent time on youtube, watching videos but I did not react a bit. Behaving robotic for hours, suddenly I felt my life was really dull, and meaningless. My body getting too tensed like I held back too much inside for all the hours being quiet. Don't you remember I am anything but a quiet person? I just didn't want to drag anyone into the drama of my sickness. I know they have enuff problems on their own. Plus, my irritating nature, anything could piss me off so easily. So I tried to do others a favour too. I caged myself so "nobody gets hurt" because I could still hurt people with my ignorance. So the best is to just HEAL first. 

So kemarin sia sedar all over again yang KESIHATAN tu bukan milik mutlak kita. Sia sudah makan Vitamin C selama berbulan, untuk deal with sia punya weaknesses towards flu virus tapi sia still kena. Walaupun proses penyembuhan dia cepat. Seriously cepat. Sebab walaupun seharian sia "in agony" sebab dalam keadaan yang sangat lemah, cannot think properly and couldn't even speak and supermoody some more, sampaikan sia rasa mau sambung cuti lagi Monday sebab feeling sia tu masa memang terrible. Macam sia totally disconnected sama world sia. Teruk eh feeling dia. 

Kamu tau apa yang missing? LAUGHTER. Baru sia sedar time malam tu. Sebab sia memang suka ketawa jadi my whole system is used to laughter. The whole day sia teda ketawa until at nite then I realized what was missing. So dalam keadaan badan yang sakit2, sia tertidur juga sebelum jam 3 AM and woke at at 6 AM something. Guess what? 

Tiba2 badan sia cergas balik! Sia try to speak and I could hear my voice again biarpun inda 100% normal. WOWWW... Tiba2 sia bangun dan jalan keluar bilik sia tanpa that shaking. Teda pun sia makan ubat except for Woods ubat batuk (utk clear my throat) and of course my Flavettes. Tapi confirm sia sudah kuarantine diri sia satu hari, biarpun penuh dengan penyeksaan juga lah. Dan penuh dengan keinsafan juga. So hari ni, sia pi kerja dengan "gagahnya". Walaupun masih ada rasa macam lemah juga lah sekali sekala masa sia jalan tapi sia lawan ja. Dan dengan penuh kesedaran, sia terus wasap SIL sia, kasi explain dia kenapa sia nda attend tu lunch kemarin. If you read my last post, you know I had a misunderstanding with her. Bila sia sudah rasa sihat, sia berbesar hati mau lupakan semua tu. Tiba2 fikiran sia clear balik dan sia sedar dia pun bukan manusia yg sempurna, macam sia juga, tapi dia tetap the best SIL yang sia buli imagine. Pelik kan camana mind kita ni kasi twist2 benda gitu sampai kita pun terbawa2.

My point in this post is...sometimes we NEED that quiet time juga. Walaupun hari tu tidak normal dan kau struggling secara emosi, apa lagi ngam2 kau sakit, kau yakin ja, akhirnya kau akan nampak cahaya di hujung tunnel tu. Biarpun sia layan juga negatif dalam kepala sia tu, tapi part of me knows yang "sia cuma saja2" buat gitu. Sometimes kita mau kena rasa apa feeling dia time orang tu sakit, jadi next time kita nda terlalu senang menghakimi. Biar keinsafan tu datang dalam diri kita, sebab... KITA PUN PERNAH RASA JUGA. 

Kesembuhan dan...KEINSAFAN. So, dalam pada2 kita malas berdoa, kita sombong dan ego dengan kesenangan, tiba2  jatuh sakit, pun masih malas berdoa sebab layan sakit. Kali tinguk, esoknya kita sembuh juga. Terus kita fikir badan kita yang hero atau vitamin kita tu bagus. Sia tau juga bah jawapan dia apa. Sebab dalam pada2 sia berkurung, sia tau da manusia2 yang bertungkus lumus berdoa siang malam untuk kebaikan sia. Tuhan berbelas kasihan kepada dorang yg berdoa biarpun kita macam tidak layak kan? Apa pun syukur la buli sembuh dari sakit. Guys, hargailah kehidupan kita yg indah ni ok? 

I know balik2 sudah sia cakap ni. But promise me you won't forget that.

Dealing With Anger

Today should be a good day. It's 10.10 of 2019. I have all the reason to feel extra good today. Spent my time chitchatting, completing some works, felt good actually. Until something came up, when my SIL asked my help to babysit my lil nephew and because of her request, I made a lil changes to my schedule, just for her to forget everything and made me wait for half an hour. I was getting impatient because she got too busy with church activity lately and she put her own kids at number two. I mean, church activity is a good thing but remember that the activities will still go on without her. TRUST ME, I KNOW. WE KNOW. I don't think God will be happy with her leaving her kids unmanaged just for she can be one of those people reading the prayers, knowing that there are many other people who are there to do it. For for her kids, she is their only mother. 

I think my impatience grew after a while. But because my nephews are more important than what I feel, so I often forget my little grumbling the moment I saw my nephews. But then the fact that their mom left them behind so she could attend church activities at different districts, attending to fellow Christians who don't have access to modern facilities, while her kids are put somewhere where people could look after them. One thing I'm really sure of, I don't think God will be ever so mad if you put your little kids first and then only join activities when you are really free. 

All this time, I am never mad of my SIL. I always backed her up, I always understood her situation, I even looked up to her cos she's one capable lady and I'm so glad that she's my SIL. Only lately that she became too occupied with her other activities and those activities are not free. She's been spending a lot of money that she claimed she didn't have money to help a party for my youngest nephew. And she just went back from getting a color braces for her teeth which cost 3 times the money she needed to make my nephew's small party in his pre-school. So maybe these things build up little by little and it doesn't take any longer for me this time to just show to her that I'm mad. It's the first time! Which means she really crossed the line.

It's also the first time ever that I didn't open her whatsapp text, and she could see that I go online and ignore her text. That's how I deal with my anger. I avoid "feeding" it. If I read her text saying sorry along with all the excuses, it's not gonna help. Maybe she thought I got mad for the smallest reason, but imagine how I have skipped all the big reasons because to me, nobody likes it when I'm angry. I can be very bad with words and I can treat like I don't know you. I don't hear your words, I don't see you pass by, stuff like that. I have never said sorry to those people who crossed my limit because it took a while for them to cross them so only when they did something really angered me that they received that kind of treatment. 

You see how I write when I'm anger-oriented? You don't like how I sound, right? Anger is just a devil thing. They say, when you give in to anger, the devils are partying. Actually, it took me only like 10 minutes to rationalize and gain back my composure. I told myself how she could misunderstand my text that she understood wrongly. I should have been more straightforward with my words. I should this, I should that. Actually I was calm shortly after that. I thought, "I bet she must be praying hard right now, and God is working, that's why I became sensible. Someone is praying for this." Wow, awesome thought, right? 

The Angry you is not the real you. I know it. But my human ego, I must give her time to ponder upon her own acts and mistakes. We are not perfect but it doesn't mean we can't correct our ways. I want her to reflect while I'm doing this silent treatment. I'm so weak myself. When I'm forced to show my anger, usually it will take time to go back to normal. That's why I will avoid getting angry so easily. But I understand, I will need this experience for a better familyship, better tolerance, better understanding - cos they are here to strengthen bonds (if we survive it).

I'm calling upon my adult-self to take charge during this time. I'm so tired right now. I want to sleep and wake up with no more anger. Oh God, speed up my recovery from this stupid anger. Remind me of the wisdom you already given to me. Can I just wake up and have more empathy. Tell me my share of wrong and let me correct it. I just want to live tomorrow awesomely. Just let this pass. 

Are We Trying To Live Forever?

Banyak mitos2 yang kita dengar. Pantang larang yg kita elakkan selama ini and last2 bila kita find out benda tu actually not true pun. Makan tu tidak boleh mix dengan yg ini. Makan panadol tidak bagus, makan maggie tidak bagus, minum ais tidak bagus, Uii, banyak lahh. Ada2 seja pantang larang yang bersifat hearsay, dipassing secara membabi buta (just like org sudah passing berita nda sahih di social media) walaupun some of them adalah pantang larang turun temurun. But then when we read from some modern doctors, most of tu pantang larang adalah tidak perlu dan tidak betul pun. Still ada yang cakap, Ah, doctor apa tau? Nenek moyang kita amalkan semua ni dorang umur panjang pun.

Sia pun dulu terpengaruh dengan myth yg ubat-ubatan tu tidak baik. Jadi sia sanggup sengsara tunggu badan sia heal sendiri. Berlemah-lemah, berpeluh banyak sebab pantang sejuk untuk keluarkan peluh. Sandinya masa tu. Tapi masa tu sia jarang pening kepala so kalau setakat demam, buli la bikin self healing. And then bila sia start sudah pandai sakit kepala, sia tahan juga walaupun sengsaranya masa tu. Sebab sia pernah anti-ubat gara2 cakap2 orang. So sia adalah orang yg jarang sentuh ubat-ubatan masa tu. Until la sia nampak sendiri parents sia yg constantly pegi hospital, makan macam2 ubat untuk maintain kesihatan. They have been doing that since lebih 10 tahun lalu. Syukur, dorang punya kesihatan baik. Yang si pokemon satu ikur ni, berabis mau avoid ubat. Tapi still macam2 sakit sia dapat. Sudah lah selalu kena flu, sikit2 sarut suara, pas tu ada hati lagi mau berfikiran yang Medication is not for me. Mengelak ubat ni apa lah faedah dia kepada sia? Not even meng-improvekan kesihatan sia. Sama juga macam2 kejadian sama diri sia. Allergic la, apa la. Doii. Pernah sekali sia ingat, it was the nite of my birthday. Earlier that day kami ada buffet lunch di hotel. Malam tu we stayed at another hotel. Sia kena serang sakit kepala yang maha hebat. Ngam2 masa tu room tu macam bau smoke sikit, sia kan ada kepantangan sama asap sigup. Masa tu sandi betul situasi sia sampaikan sia rasa mau kena cabut nyawa sudah. Sia langsung tidak terfikir mau cari ubat. For me ubat is not an option. Which means sia kena sengsara la sampai dia baik sendiri. Masa tu sia turn tu shower and tadah kepala sia dengan harapan sakit tu akan hilang. I sat at the shower, pasrah menahan kesakitan. Sedangkan masa tu birthday sia. How far stupid would I willing to be?

Bila sia sudah endure macam2 benda gitu, akhirnya sia jadi macam orang lain juga, sia pandai sudah cari ubat bila sia sakit. Apa actually yang I'm trying to do? Am I trying to live forever? Yang kununnya ubat pun tidak layak utk masuk dalam sistem badan sia gara2 dia chemical dan akan ada side effects? Masalahnya, selepas meng-ignore ubat-ubatan tu semua, sihat ka sia? Jawapanya tidak. In fact sia lagi sandi dan sengsara. Hahahaha. Garsh, think again if you are like this.

Macam juga la something yg adventurous. Bila fikir balik, kenapa orang tu berani ah? Sia nda berani oh. Kalau sia yang bikin, inda tau apa akan jadi. Ok la, difahami juga kalau it's something dangerous. Sudah kau tau ia membahayakan diri kau, kenapa kau pi bikin kan? But benda2 kecil2 pun kita beralasan juga. Macam la diri kita ni nda buli dijentik langsung. Macam la kita ni akan cair bila kena matahari, or something like that. Macam pantang larang ni semua melimitkan perbuatan kita. Takut itu, takut ini. Akhirnya bukan pun hidup kita hebat. Sama juga biasa2 ja. What are we trying to do actually? Are we trying to live forever? If you say yes, you know you can never do that, right?

Kau takut tua, kau takut kulit berkedut, kau takut rambut putih and kau try to reverse all that. Jadi apa akan jadi kalau kau berjaya? Kau buli add umur kau lagi 50 tahun? Cos YOU DEFINITELY CAN'T LIVE FOREVER. You know that.

Bila sia terbaca kisah rumahtangga si Alif dan Bella, as usual la sia punya opinion is more to Bella better avoid Alif  lagipun dorang sudah bercerai. Teda guna jadi gila talak sama lelaki macam tu. Tapi tau la soal hati dan perasaan ni. Sometimes besar camana pun silap orang tu, kalau kau sudah sayang, kau akan cari jalan maafkan dia. Sia cuma imagine what kind of heartache si Bella will get herself into if dia setuju mau balik sama si Alif, cos looks like si Bella is not over Alif yet. Masih mau tarik perhatian dat guy yang memang womanizer. You can't own a man like him. He's not own-able, cos to him, he will never be the one-woman kind of guy. He will wander and look for a new thrill cos it's in his DNA. Then ramai yang maki si Bella sebab dia macam nda faham2 and nda serik. Sudah lah orang puas kesian sama dia, suddenly dia macam mangsakan diri dia. Terus sia imagine dia akan nangis teresak-esak lagi macam dulu. Jadi sampai bila la kan? BUT... suddenly sia FED-UP sama ni habit yang TERLAMPAU CAREFUL. Takut kena hurt, takut kena reject, takut itu, takut ini, uiii, nda abis2 ehh. Jadi kanapalah kalau si Bella hantam jaa kalau itu yg kasi happy dia? Paling2 pun dia sakit ati ja kalau kana tipu lagi. Paling2 pun nangis ja. Paling2 pun dia hilang berat sebab nda lalu makan. Tu ja pun kan. Kalau si Alif naik tangan, paling2 pun berbekas la badan la lebam sana sini, dia buli taruh ubat. SEBAB, kalau dia nda approach apa yg dia mau, kalau dia mau play safe dan pendam ja rasa hati dia, it's not like she can life FOREVER pun gara2 hati dia terjaga rapi dan nda pernah dilukai KAN? Hahahaha. I mean, apa ba yg kita cari ni sebenarnya? Itu elak, ini elak, are you sure mission kita is not trying to live forever ka? Bikin fed up kan semua DON'Ts dalam life kita ni? MACAM LA KITA LIVE AT LEAST ANOTHER 100 YEARS. Happy ka kita, sedih ka kita, still umur kita sampai mana juga kan? Kenapa la terlampau mau careful sangat? Macam la we get another shot at everything. MACAM LA KITA AKAN LIVE FOREVER bah. You get what I mean?

I mean, apa pun kau buat, how bad can it be? Paling2 pun kau akan MATI ja. Cos camana pun condition kita at this very moment, penghujung kita semua adalah SAMA. Iaitu kita tidak akan live forever. Jadi kalau sudah kunun kita sedar gini, will we do things differently ka kunun? Hahahahaha. Haishh...pandai2 la kita k. Susah mau sakap!!

LOLS :PP