The Hormonal Dilemma

I’m feeling a bit okay now. Just now was disastrous. The whole day was almost disastrous actually. In fact, it all started from the nite before. The nite before, I slept in the middle of replying an sms. I was too sleepy to even press the letters and the next thing I knew, I had not typed a single letter and the person on the other line must be waiting for a reply for hours. I had not taking my bath. I woke up at 1.30 AM and walked to the kitchen and ate an orange and a cone ice-cream and went back to sleep. This early morning, my mom did it again, by ringing my phone so I could wake up. I overslept again.

This morning, I had to go to town to settle something important. I was feeling so discouraged because it took me a lot of energy to go around and run errands and I almost made that call, “Ops, I think I can’t send it today. Can I do it tomorrow?” Yes, another excuse to delay the job for another day. I can’t be doing it all the time, when will I ever learn? Luckily, I forced myself to settle the thing at once. Phew, at least, one job is finally done.

Even THE WHOLE day before was even disastrous. While attending the sunset mass, I slept during the sermon. It was a very weak day for me. I didn’t even have the energy to sing. Nobody likes that feeling, ya know. But it happens once in a while. I think that my body was too tired.

Back to today. I came to the office and I said that I wanted to finish something that has to do with this blog. I have this strange stubbornness that when I want something done, I expect it to be done. After spending and stealing time to do a nice work for this blog, imagine what I feel when I found out that blogspot doesn’t support the function that I need to make sure my movie can play. I felt so upset and so down because I wasted my time for something unworkable. The fact that only now that I have the idea to make a movie to put in my blog and it got stuck there, I was so upset. I felt so so upset. And maybe MAD too. Why the heck in this streamyx era, I still have to cope with bandwidth? I should be able to play my own flash movies in my blog, right? My goodness. I thought that things have gone much advanced than before. With all this limitation, it makes me sick. It pissed me off right to the bones!

Earlier than that, a friend dropped by and left a pack of Cottage Fries and 2 boxed Chrysanthemum drink on my table. I said, Thanks – that looks like a lot of junkfood to me. But after I got so upset with the blogspot, I just started eating everything on my table. I didn’t even remember finished eating the Cottage Fries. I only remember seeing the wrapping at the dustbin near me. That explains how upset I am when something I plan is not done accordingly.

Some parts of my body are also aching since a few days ago. I’m totally not 100% these few days. Not to mention that I have piling of stuff to do, my unorganized works, my unmade agreement, my messy workplace, my messy room, my unwashed clothes – it’s all putting even more burden to me. I’m thankful to my brother Jojon for being there for me, cheering me up a bit though he was also up to something else. It makes me even more upset because the whole unworkable thing with my blog is actually made for him.

You see all the conflicts that I’m having? Something like this happens to everyone, especially women, at least once a month. It’s the time when the hormone imbalance starts to mess up with your emotions and mind. It’s something to do with the PMS – Pre Menstrual Syndrome. When I am having all this craziness inside my mind, I’m rational enuff to think that this is mostly hormonal. You sense the difference? We almost have no control over it. The best thing I can do is TO KNOW what is happening with me, and do not over react. Suddenly the way I see things has changed. Suddenly all the bad elements of my life are coming to the surface. Suddenly all the negativity is taking control. You see, NOTHING has changed much in my life, but because of this hormonal thing, I tend to see life differently today. Suddenly my life looks much worse to me now. All this could be eating me up. I could spend my time crying on my bed just grieving over a bad day, or I could just force myself to sleep so that I won’t entertain my bad thoughts.

To me, I’m more like letting it take its toll on me. It’s something to do with the elements of my body so there’s nothing much I can do. It’s pity to think that when I’m already feeling so bad but at the same time I perfectly know that my hormones are unstable, not every women are in control of this. They might not care to know that the biological thingy is doing its thing especially when it’s near the menstrual cycle. They might over react, they might go out of control and do something stupid, say something bad, or just unleash their unexplained frustration without thinking that yes, they might regret it later.

What about me? I’m trying my best to be in control. This will pass. And will happen again next month around. Who says being a female is easy?

I bet that the next time I read this article, I would be laughing. Laughing at how I see things. It’s very much nothing but a hormonal dilemma. But wait, let me decide.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day :)

(Written on the nite of 22nd Feb 09)