Who’s That Coward?

I dreamt that I climbed these tall steps of an overhead bridge (jejantas) and the bridge was made of steel/zink instead of brick. As I made my way up, I could hear the sound of my high heels, making me feel that the bridge was not made of something very strong. Anything could go wrong. As soon as I reached at the final step, I was stepping on the bridge, looking towards the other end and trying to anticipate how many steps that I should take. I was aware that once I decided to take the first step, I was going to be above the busy road where many vehicles were queuing and moving at a certain speed. I then imagine the sound of my high heels as I made my way towards the other end…I bet every step could feel like counting my own heart beat. I paused. I lifted my first feet to make the first step and then I paused. Something wasn’t right. “Can I do this?”

Then the voices in my mind started shouting, “No, DON’T.” The other one shouted, “Why, are you afraid of this? Just less than 20 steps before you are done. The time is catching up, remember?” Yeah, I didn’t have time to waste. I remembered I needed to attend a ceremony and it had already started while I was still contemplating whether or not I should walk or back off. The time issue would give me enough reason to just run. Something stopped me. Oh No.

My hand started to shiver when I forced another and another step. “Yes I can do this”, I said silently. But No, something still stopped me. The sound of the speeding vehicle were disturbing me. The sound of my high heels was not helping. “What should I do?”

I didn’t have that time to think. I could not waste another second playing "ping pong" this. “To hell with this.” I just turned my back and walked down the steps again. Yes, I backed off. I would use the other way where I had to walk about 150 meters to avoid using the bridge. How about that?

While I was walking, something was mocking at me. “Shame on you, 256! It was just a bridge and you could not even cross it. Where is you gawdamn courage? Is this the 256 I know?” Then something else was backing me up. “It’s okay 256. You refused to walk that bridge because you feel unsafe. The bridge was made of steel and it wasn’t strong so there could be holes or breakage anywhere along the journey that might cause you your safety.” Yeah, that second “voice” was better. It was a shame how I found out that I was not over my fear of height. So did I just miss a chance to prove that I should overcome my fear? Did I just lost another battle? Even if what I put in my was my own life? …DO you have an answer, people?

I still managed to arrive at the ceremony in one piece. I still got to follow the event without missing the important part. I was glad that I arrived safely. The feeling when I was up there was different. It realized that it was a wrong battle to win when my safety is on the line. It was wrong to question my courage when proving it could mean losing my life. Yeah, I could be saying all that to back up my action. I don’t even know if it matters. Or I could just give in to the fact that…”Yes, That Coward Is Me.”

I’m still thinking how to react now that I know - I might be strong in certain areas in my life, but I still have many little fears that I should confront. I’m still a coward inside. I’m sorry to myself that life has to show me this in the simplest thing like crossing the overhead bridge. (Note: I forgot to tell you that in front of me were a few people who were walking carelessly on that very same bridge. 256, You’re  coward. Face it.”

Note: I lied about this story, guys. The part where I lied was when I said “I dreamt”. It was actually a real experience. Gosh.

(*Lols)