4 Days To Christmas And I'm Still My Biggest Obstacle

I just woke up a few minutes ago. It's 2.40 AM now. I took a nap hours ago because I was so tired. When I got up, I felt quite bad that I wasted my hours just like that. I could have used it to do a lot of stuff like updating my blog and do other urgent work that is needed by 9.30 AM this morning. Oh man, I'm pretty messed up. What's wrong with me?

My emotion is still so unstable, even how much I tried to deny it. This mind disruption isn't fake and isn't simple. I tried to hide it under my "art of positive thinking" and all of the other theories that I have learnt my whole life, but STILL...something is really messing up my mind. So this is it, right? I imagine a few years ago, when I was praying to God for my future and what I want to achieve in life...I thought I heard a little voice. Whether it came from my own mind, or maybe it came from God. I just didn't know. It said this..."256,I will give you the way to achieve your dreams. I will be by your side. I will help and support you.  Obstacles may come your way every now and then but you can manage it all. All the solutions are within you. The thing is, THE HARDEST of them all is the obstacles that come FROM YOU. YOU are your biggest OBSTACLE."

I must be kidding to be thinking that the biggest obstacle, is...What?? ME??. How can that be? Does that mean that my biggest obstacle is "that simple"? I mean, how hard can "ME" be? I could handle that, for sure!! The things that come from outside can be so cruel but still ME is my biggest obstacle? Oh come on. Of course I can handle it. Piece of cake!!

If so, then EXPLAIN to me why I can't even define what I'm going through now!! I could handle problems in my life. I could handle a lot of things in my life. But my mind is all messed up and I could not see where the root of the problem. All the disappointments, all the unmet expectations and other things that I could not name - are sucking up my energy. I become so helpless and powerless. Now it's 4 days to Christmas, and I'm still crawling in the dark. I felt like I'm losing myself, my direction - although again and again I have found it but how easily that I lost it back. What's wrong with me?

Maybe the voice is right. I AM MY BIGGEST OBSTACLE. Some people might recognize my strong points. Some people might like my appearance. Some people might like my hair or how I dress. I remember the event last weekend where I met many new people, some of them really looked up to me. They wanted to be around me and they wanted to mix up more with me maybe because I could be fun to be around with. Although I didn't attract everyone to do and feel the same, but some who felt that way, felt it for real. I remember one of this lady, who was a few years my senior, but a much more experienced and a successful busineswoman, said to me jokingly. "You seem to have a lot of attraction when these people keep gluing to you." I laughed although I was puzzled why she said that. It doesn't matter. What important is I know that people see something in me. People see some shining qualities in me. But ask me, at this moment, I COULD NOT SEE ANYTHING about me. I'm feeling so pity with myself instead. WHY?? WHY???? Can anybody explain to me??

I have to stop this because I need to do some work. It's 3.07 in the morning. I better get going. It's 4 days to Christmas and I'm still doing soul searching like I did all the years when I was still nowhere. Now that I have gotten good grab of my life, how easy to lose it back. NOW I KNOW. This is why I AM MY BIGGEST OBSTACLE. I am my own worst enemy. I can understand it. I close my the eyes of my heart to my own advantages. All I see are my weaknesses. No wonder. No wonder I am my biggest obstacle.

I don't believe I can't handle this. I WILL HANDLE THIS. I WILL.