"Explain That Feeling..."

Feelings are complicated. And Strange too. Sometimes, you can only feel something and not able to put it into words. Or are feelings actually NOT meant to be described by words? I mean, if feelings are meant to be described by words, why not everything we feel can be explained in the best possible meaning using our best vocabulary?

This always happened. Even back in schooldays. There was this boy who I didn’t care so much about. I always knew he was one of my classmates. Not famous enough to be a favourite of any girl that time. But suddenly when someone came to us, telling us that the boy just moved to another school, I was shocked. I felt sad inside. “At least he should have said farewell to the rest,” I thought. I couldn’t explain why would I stop and felt heavy for someone I didn’t even care so much to know about.

I remember, back in college. My room was just beside my friend’s room. A friend whom I didn’t like that much. I knew that she was dating a new guy. Although I could name you many reasons why I didn’t like her as so much, but I felt so down when I saw that her room was dark. I knew that she must be spending time with the new boyfriend, but I didn’t care why she wasn’t there. I just wanted to see the light from her room so that I knew she was there. I just thought that it made me feel a little happier with the knowledge that she was there, doing something in her room. I couldn’t explain that feeling. Strange right?

Let’s say, you and your guyfriend. When you think that just because you guys are just friends, you can’t feel jealous when he’s going out with other girl, you might be wrong. It happens a lot. You can’t see the other person as more than a friend, but yet you still feel jealous when your friend is dating someone else. This becomes normal the longer you live. But when you learn that someone feels jealous, does that mean the person have feelings for you? Aha, that might be the popular belief. But I personally don’t think so. Sometimes we know the boundary of our friendship, and we are clear about it, but still we feel jealous when each of us starts dating. Or do you still believe that this awkward feeling tells you something that “you try to deny that you feel more” for the person? I don’t know. Maybe that’s also not accurate.

I talked to my big brother yesterday. We sensed that even both of us also experienced something like that. We felt a bit of awkward when we learn about each other’s encounter with different girl/guy. Like although we know that we love each other as brother and sister (and we mean it), but why do we feel that way? I remember when I pouted when my bro replied my sms late and he told me he was having a guys-nite-out with his friends. I disliked the feeling. And then when I saw my bro was joking with other girls, I pouted like a little girl. When I asked him about this lady friend of his, and he said he forgot, I pouted again as if I thought he purposely didn’t want to tell me. I still felt that way even though I was currently engaging myself in a courtship with another guy. It’s fair though. My bro also felt the same way. When I was making friends with some new guys, and talked about how sweet a guy was, and how cute he was, and what they did for me, I somehow sensed some uneasiness in him. He admitted it. I asked him, “Why is that? Can you explain that?” He said, “It’s normal.” I asked because want to find reasoning behind this. Then we found the answer. It could be the answer. I suggested, “Could it be because we feel like we are losing each other?” Then he said, “Yes~!! That’s the word. The feeling of losing.” My bro has a perfect happy family and still he feels like something is missing when he learns that I’m dating a new guy, and even though I always let him know that I love him. Strange right?

Maybe this is just about us being humans. As long as we have feelings, we will always have something happening in our heart although we can’t always explain why. Maybe something more is hiding beneath that, or maybe not. Wow…isn’t that complicated? But we have to accept the fact that feelings don’t always necessarily mean hate, love, angry jealous…to mention a few. I think there are empty spaces in between these feelings that we human don’t have the proper words for. So if you can’t explain why you are feeling a certain feeling, just accept it that it’s normal. Maybe it’s true that not everything is meant to be explained with words. It’s just meant to be the inhabitant of our heart. They come and they go. All we do is just let it happen, and if it’s going to do something to us, make sure it’s anything but a bad thing :)

Note: A note to Kennedy, 16th December 2009 – this was your offday. Remember that. It was a sweet offday to remember I hope. *Lols