DePreSSion: My Side Of Story – PART II

Continuation from Part I

It must be a little piece of heavenly pity to keep me alive. With the routine of locking myself in the room, doing a lot of things without having heart and mind involved, I felt like a walking corpse. Sometimes I just cried so pathetically. I FORGOT about the word “blessing” or “grace” or anything that are positive. I forgot what are my real treasure. When nothing was left, maybe I still have my parents to thank because I could be having so many wars inside my head, but I COULD NOT LOSE values that my parents taught me. Maybe it was the only thing that was still working in me. My Good Sense. It delayed my stupid plan another day, to another day, to another day, UNTIL I SAW THE LIGHT

Waiting the days for my graduation, I enrolled a course at an international college, doing a course totally different from university, and I gave it shot. Since it was funded by the government, I was just using the chance. I finally came out of my shell and MEET PEOPLE again. I was a little awkward at first. I found out that I was really outdated in many things but something happened. I GOT UP FROM SLEEP. In the course, I was AGAIN, the brightest student. From the first day, our lecturer really spared special kind of treatment for me, unlike how he treated others. Maybe it was my slightly better English, or my talkativeness that made him not want to mess so much with me. Or maybe it was my determination to learn. I used the course to brush up my brains. All the students there were among the Diploma and Degree holders, some of them took Accountancy to Business Study. I remember that I used the computer lab session to chat on IRC, just like some other friends, but he directly scolded them but just let me do my thing. I remember writing some wrong answers in the quizzes, but he simply put the correct mark, because if he didn’t, I had to do the correction and submit it back to him. I think that he didn’t want that to happen. He wanted to put my case to rest and let the rest do the correction. I even told my friends, Hey, I got this wrong but he still put correct!!! I had a full mark in every evaluation. I didn’t know why he did that, but just put it this way. I remember talking session with him and he said, "You are very qualified to get any job you want, especially teacher/lecturer. Use your skills and knowledge to help more students at school." After I had a session of heart to heart with my friends there, they shared their first impression about me. I remember one guy said that he was terrified on first day because "That girl is really smart." even during the ice-breaking session. *LOLS. I mean, after what happened to me, it helps when people say something good so you remember that you are NOT that unfortunate. 

God has taken something from me in a strange way, he sure has a strange way of giving it back to me too. Don’t agree? :) Surprisingly, the course helped me gain back my self-esteem. I was slowly becoming The Girl who I was once proud to be. I picked up the pieces from there, entertained less and less stupid thoughts and the next thing I know, I WANTED TO LIVE. The journey ahead of me was starting to look interesting again. Now the question is, how are you going to end your ordeal? A bad ending or a good ending like mine??

I did a lot of THINKING when I was alone. Let say, if that season never took place in my life, can I be in this position of writing this to all of you? Could I understand your pain? Could I even deserve to have my word? NO, right? I’ve been listening to people’s problems since schooldays. The pains of the people are increasing with age. I could not stay with the glory of my schooldays and expect to help people who are with increasing emotional troubles in their heart. There would be more cases of more mature things that people might share with me and of course, DEPRESSION itself. How could I even give view if I never been through it? If God pitied on me and cut my sorrow into half, would it be enough for me to understand the suffering? It was planned, since I was small, so that when I grew up I could face major setback and have a very challenging time with my senses.

WHAT CAUSES YOUR DEPRESSION?

There MUST BE a cause to your depression. Don’t come to me and tell me IT JUST HAPPENS. It could be that you feel upset, ashamed, rejected, lonely and insecure. Don’t hide behind “I’M HAPPY” cos when you are depressed, that means YOU ARE NOT HAPPY and something is bothering you. YOU MUST KNOW the cause of your depression to be able to tackle it from the root. I’m not a psychologist, but I just speak from a human to another human. Maybe you can understand my language better. Forget about all the terms. Go Soul-Searching and find out the things that are lacking in your life. There’s something TOXIC that is lurking there and will remain there until you do something. If you are in an environment that makes you feel like “a mouse”, FIX IT. If you can change to a new one, do it. Be The Lion. There’s NO need to give in to all the negative elements in your life that are sucking your energy away.

You want my suggestion?

A) Find a reliable person to talk. IT WORKS. You are never too strong or too smart of your own, no matter how much money you have. You need a person who can listen and share your burden.

B) FIND YOUR STRENGTHS. You will see the glass as half empty when it’s also half full. Choose to look at the handsome/pretty you instead of the short or the fat you. You need to collect all the elements that feed to your self esteem and build yourself back. Nothing can be a better back up than having your own pride. Remember that it’s all about your own perception, YOU ARE YOUR OWN WEAPON towards making your own life the way you want it to be.

C) HAVE FAITH. When you don’t have faith in A Greater Power, then the greatest power is YOU? That means you think that no one is going to help you when you are helpless. Faith is for you to have HOPE that there’s something more powerful than you are, and everything else on this earth. It’s so much easier to tackle things when you have faith. It doesn’t matter what religion, Believe that something up there is in control. You are never alone. Open your heart and you will see His help. TRUST ME.

D) CHANGE AIR. Do new things. Meet new people. You will find more possibilities in life and maybe get rid of the “bad energy” that will keep you stuck. You need to have strength for a big move and it will pay off well in the end. DO IT.

E) COUNT BLESSING. You forgot that you have people who love you. You forgot that you are good in a few things and you never tap on them. IT’S TIME to start acknowledging these elements of joy and lucky in your life. Remember all the compliments that you kept getting. You are WORTHY of so many other things than just to lock yourself up and feel miserable. Start it now. NOW!!

Depression is ALL ABOUT THE MIND and we are tested this way to make us stronger and to live life better in the future. The only thing you need to do is to Survive it. One day you’ll understand, God gives you such experience because He knows you can handle it, and you must live to be the living proof that Depression is not that scary. Now when you have survived it, an attempt to make you feel depressed again will be in vain. 

I am here, standing strong, smiling, and I’m a survivor of Depression. Hope you can say the same too, help your friends to get over theirs and give bad news to Depression. It will not take over us.

Surprisingly, I want to thank Depression for making me not only stronger, but smarter. Join The League, Guys! Good Luck!!! :)))