The Little Pillow Story

The Seesaw of Life

I will now start talking snapshot from Facebook because some of the things I share there are useful and should be in this blog but I just could not have time for everything so now Share is a bigger word! Now my interesting Fb activities will go to my blog! *giggles.

Why I Say I Have What They Say I Don’t - L.I.F.E

This is a post of Arguments. Arguments about trying to prove to those people who might say that “256 DOESN’T HAVE A LIFE.” *LOLS. eRKS! It’s not funny!! Ok, serious now! Heehehe.

Sometimes I try to compare with people. When I open Fb pages, I saw people are having fun. They have parties here and there, wearing nice hot clothes and makeover to make them presentable at the gathering they attended. I mean, the pics alone are enuff to show that they were having fun. I honestly say that I don’t have pics like that. I don’t wear fancy clothes with string and laces and daring makeover on my face; simply because I don’t do clubbing. I don’t have cool pictures posing with the nice green bottle of Carlsberg – because I don’t do alcohol. I don’t have pics of natural hangover on my face or any crazy poses that I might accidentally do while having fun. NO. I don’t do all that. So you know, these people could simply stone me to death with – 256, You have No Life. Erks..!!!

As a matter of fact, if this is what you guys call LIFE, I have many chances where people tried to BRING THAT LIFE to me by suggesting me to TRY that lifestyle that I never belong to. I mean, the door has been opened to me since schooldays. I have spent being away from home for so long, I’ve been to the town full of entertainments like KL, where I had freedom to do what I wanted. Until today when I am already in the working world, I have friends who keep inviting me to join them. I have customers who offer me afterwork activities that some of you might not resist if you were me. STILL, Here I am. Still “LIFELESS”. *LOLS.

My life isn’t as good as some people who have everything. My life is very moderate. Yes, I dedicate most of my time for work. You guys hear me saying things about work, from daytime to nitetime. I mean, garsh, 256’s life is made of nothing but works…And her neverending stupid theories about life, still unproven and overrated. Erks? (*LOLS) Hey! Don’t You Dare!~ Hahahahaha.

Look. I am not here denying anything. Maybe you guys are right about something when you say that I have no life. I’m sorry that you guys have to see it that way. I know my work is the main cause why my life is NULL. People’s general idea about those who have life is when they have fun. Why, how sure are you that I’m not having fun with my life? That’s the thing that made it so hard for me to agree because – My Work is MY PASSION. I have seen people who have no passions –they always complain about life being boring and all that. Gosh. Do you guys know that it’s VERY RARE that I complain about boredom? Do guys know that THIS PASSION that I have for my work – I would even do this job with or without income? But now I am getting payment for doing it? You understand what passion is? Passion is what makes you FIERY and excited to wake up in the morning and go to work. Passion is what makes you on the go that you are always restless. Passion is when you can fall many times but you care enough to get up and continue doing what you believe. YES, I HAVE THAT.

This passion that I have creates a wondrous world of possibilities for me. Matched with God-given gifts that allow me to use my passion to CREATE what I want. I am too busy enjoying THIS. It would be unfair for me to be doing what some of you been doing because I’m given ways to MAKE A LIFE and you have yours. I can’t have mine and have yours at the same time. It’s not fair. So as much as I want to stone myself with the stones carved with “You Have No Life”, I could not find a reason to do that because I AM HAPPY with this life I have. I don’t regret that I don’t accept invitations to be part of that lifestyle, NOT because I am NOT able to, but I CHOOSE NOT TO. I have chosen a lifestyle different from yours.

If you think I am less fun because I don’t go clubbing or meeting fun people everyday, meet me first and you’ll know. What I could be doing while they are busy partying is I READ and I ANALYZE people – and those who come to me for my unpaid partime work as a counselor or stress therapist – they helped me to BE IN YOUR LIFE, the kind of life that I could never be part of. I talked to many people that I thought I have been reborn for so many times because everytime they open their stories, I feel like walking in their shoes. My ability to listen and understand, with some compassion, curiosity and reliability, I thought I already learnt THOSE LIVES. Altho it’s nothing like the real thing, but seriously, I am realistic about my humanly capability to have 1 and only 1 life with this breath. Every path that we lead will have joys and tears and it doesn’t matter what life does to you, WHAT MATTERS IS YOU KNOW WHAT TO TAKE.

I AM NOT GREEDY so I take the maximum pleasure of being in this life that I am, doing what I like and to have the ability to give something back to others – you have no idea how delighted I am. Now you know how I see things, I don’t think you bother to stone me anymore. You know I am just stubborn. Every path we choose, we have a price to pay. I am paying slowly but it’s worth every penny.

I have seen people who are considered “BORING” to me since they have no passion to keep them excited, yet who am I to judge them. I’m sure God gives them something else that balances their lack of interest. I don’t believe that God is ever so cruel to some of us. Just that we are too humane to understand and see everything the way He does. We know what are our priorities and IT’S TIME to make THE LIFE that we want with all these “equipments” we have.

Colour life with good family bonds, friendship, relationship, crushes and life’s solved problems – I have all those too. I groom and do what I like with my hair too. I am also exploring possibilities with myself and doing new things that I consider in my zone. So how can you say I have no Life? Suddenly I hear a voice saying, “We never say that!!” I mean, OMG, you didn’t? Hahahahahaa. Our opinions about other people’s lives and how they do things with their lives – will not make our lives better and theirs worse. It’s just the state of mind. It’s better that we concentrate living our lives. Whatever we do, do the right thing. No rooms for regrets.

NOTE: To be fair, I will open myself to challenges. Your life isn’t bad at all, it looks like fun. I might pay “a visit” sooner or later, but do the same to my life, you’ll see that my life isn’t so bad after all. :)))

Too Drunk For An "I Love You"

Some say that guys speak the truth when they are drunk. Some other say that they speak nothing but nonsense hence not to be taken seriously. I mean, WHICH ONE is true? One thing for sure, they don’t freaking remember anything if they are heavily drunk. Well, they can be a little nasty by pretending to be drunk and say something they don’t have the courage to say in normal situation. Are the words from their mouth reliable? What if they speak the word that you want to hear all your life and it happens while they are drunk?

Guys who have been close to me should know one thing that I am not really a fan of “I Love You”. They have spoken this word to me for how many times, I could not count but a lot of guys like this word. To me I Love You has long lost its value. When a guy shows me that he’s the type who says it easily, it’s the sign that No way I’m gonna buy it. Anyway, don’t get me wrong. I do care if someone says it seriously. I do care if he means it or not. It’s just that he has to convince me in many little ways before that happens.

I remember this one guy who I care to mention. He had been special to me once. I bet he gonna remember it too because he didn’t believe among all the others, he could catch my attention. Our friendship was so special that he almost left his girl. It got too complicated that he was torn between his girl and how he wanted to take it a step further with me but I was not giving him the signal he wanted, to make sure he did the right thing if he decided to leave his girl. That time, seriously I didn’t know what to do. I was being stagnant, just following the flow. He never said that word I Love You to me because I’ve told him I don’t appreciate that word when it’s said without meaning it. So he often used any other words to tell me that I mean a lot to him and all the other things. Anyway, he said to me that one day he gonna say it in the way that I accept his sincerity. He had asked me once if I love him, of course I never answered back. During the mess happened when his girl found out about us, we were kind of drifting away for a while. His hands were tied. Until one night that he spent hours talking to me. I’ve been wondering what he was feeling that time when our situation was badly affected. He got me on the phone that nite, and it was the time when he sounded soo fragile and how he wanted to hear my voice so badly… I was kind of sad thinking that it was just the best we could do that time. He told me about his sadness. He told me he was so stressed out. And when it was my turn to speak, he went silent and as if he absorbed every word that came out. He sounded so touched when he said he missed EVERYTHING about me. As I was saying, I knew he felt so touch when he kept calling me, “Dearr… dearr…” So fragile. So expressive. Yes, it touched my heart to hear him that way. He was always a tough and egoistic one. So we talked until his phone died. Once we got back on, he told me straight, “Baby, the 3 words”… “Baby, I Love You” as if the conversation we just had reminded him back how he felt about me. He finally said it despite knowing that I didn’t like to hear a guy toy with the word. He made me feel that when he finally said it, he meant it. During the final part of the conversation, he told me he drank some beer. I understood that he was so stressed out that he needed some therapy and he didn’t sound drunk at all! He said it, “Can I tell everyone that I Love You? I can’t wait. I want them to know.” After knowing that he was kinda drunk, I said, “No. No need to say it again. If you really need to say it, say it when you get back your senses.” It was a very sweet nite to remember. I appreciate the feelings that I had that nite. He said, “I will announce that I Love You the first thing in the morning when I wake up.”

The next day came. We greeted as usual. But this time, he was NOT drunk anymore. He sounded shying away again with his words. He DID NOT do what he said the nite before. My deepest thought still wondering if he actually meant everything the night before. I never brought it up. I kept wondering and wondering. Although the answer won’t change anything. Why did he sound so innocent and pure when he was drunk? It was pitiful to learn if he has that much talent to fake things when he was drunk. And one more, actually, he was not totally drunk. He was sounding very normal and he said all the sensible things. I mean…DARN…what could alcohol do to guys. You know that I ask this question, I don’t expect an answer cos I were there and I knew better. I just want you guys to see things this way once it happens to you. Honestly, I really think he was conscious when he spoke all the words. Just that his senses were not working well. He did not think about problems and risks and sensitivities. He just spoke his heart out carelessly. He said what he felt but when he gained his senses back, he knew it our situation was tough. If he said words of love to me, it still wouldn’t promise or change anything. He finally realizes that it was selfish to speak all that when it could not change anything. Whatever problems that we have will still be there with or without all those words and to say them is only being Selfish.

So…Too bad if He Has To Be Drunk before he could sing the sweetest lullaby. If you ask me should you take it seriously if a guy says something serious while he’s drunk, if what he says do make sense, then he could be meaning it. Be Your Own Judge. We all know alcohol makes them drunk but we never know how it can affect them. Maybe to some, they become honest, and creative to some other. We just don’t know. But to be safe, trust your instinct better. One common thing to do is --- words are just words, and they are cheap. You still have to rely on their actions TO PROVE IT, and yes, of course, they couldn’t do much when they are drunk. So guys…being drunk can embarrass you so don’t do it too often. Someone else gonna remember what you say MORE than you do and they can use it against you if needed. Pssttt…then this is what you can use to save yourself… “Did I say anything funny? Sorry I was drunk. I don’t remember anything.” Erks…Hehehee. 

NOTE: Don’t Drink And Drive :)

The BIG Lesson From A LITTLE Break-In Story

We took things for granted. When we feel that we already have something, we thought that it would always be ours. This little story will teach us something. There’s a story about a household that was so careless in home security. They never care to lock the gate thinking that it was easier to enter without having to unlock first. Not only with that, because of the same reasons, they even let the gate opened so that they could simply enter without getting off from the car. Speaking of the house, even the house was lack of security. The people inside the house thought that security was not an issue since their house is intermediate house and not corner house. Not only that they sometimes let the main door grill unlocked, they even let the little window opened so they could grab the housekey that they left hanging by the window grill with the excuse that they didn’t have duplicate for the housekey if anyone was staying inside the house. It happened for many months, or maybe a year or so. Sometimes at nite, even the main door and the back door were not locked because any of them was too lazy to check. It’s often one of them who found out that any of the doors were not even locked. I mean, their security was considered ZERO. They totally rely on LUCK to not get any mishap from the carelessness. They occasionally noticed about the poor sense of security in one another and they did remind each other to keep the doors locked, but some of them just didn’t care much. They thought that since they were safe until that time, nothing was wrong in how they did things with the house. 

One morning, they found out that the grill of the maindoor was opened. One of the shoes was stolen from the rack. The most they could come up with was there was a thief who entered the house compound through the unlocked gate to look for something to steal. The house compound was stuffed with many things from piling newspapers to gardening and cleaning equipments. So they thought it was a minor break-in since only one pair of expensive sneakers was gone. Until they found out one of the bundle of keys that has the key to one of the cars that also has the house keys was also gone! It was when they started to feel alarmed that another person out there has the keys to one of the cars and even the house!! How could the thief has the keys when he didn’t even get to enter the house? Or did he actually enter the house and took nothing?

When they finally gathered all the evident, they found out something worse. That nite, 2 of them were sleeping at the living room on the different couches. Should anything happened that nite, they were the first to receive it. The modus operandi of the thief was summarized this way. He checked for all gates which was not locked and found the house with unhooked gate padlock. He might plan to look for something valuable at the house compound since he saw many stuff piling there. He then found out the little window was not even locked and he could see through it that someone was sleeping at the couch near the window. And what attracted him most was he actually saw that bunch of keys at the corner of the coffee table, near the window. So he took a stick from the sweeper and modified it to be a hook so he fished that key using that and he successfully did it without making a sound! He actually used the key right away to unlock the house grill and he successfully did it!! Then the question was, Why didn’t he open the door to enter the house?

They finally found out the most possible reason why. The thief tried all the keys but it was hard to open the door so he thought he got the wrong key. The thing is…the maindoor lock was a bit malfunctioned and took sometime to open even at normal situation so the first timer might not open it right away. So he stopped trying and maybe a sound made him leave the house, only taking the shoes and left his sandals there. He got the car keys but he did not dare to use it because he did not know to which car that key belongs to and if he tried his luck, the alarm could bust him so he took the keys with him when he left the house, thinking that he could get another chance to get in and take something from the car (or maybe take the car altogether!) or rob the house since he has the keys. It’s possible that he thought of coming back. Yes, that’s scary.

Imagine, what if he got in that nite? Don’t speak about materials. Lives could be in danger! He might bring some weapon to enter the house if he could open he door. That incident was a big lesson. The matter they took for granted has finally backfired them. Even how many times they were reminded to take matters seriously, but they could not do that since they found no reason to change. That incident that nite really slapped them with reality that sometimes we are just too ignorant that what we put in line are our own lives. So they were busy blaming each others about many things. From how the gate was unlocked, how the little window was also unlocked, why the keys were put at the corner of the coffee table near the window, why they put all the equipments outside the house that could be turned into weapons and all the other things. Until one of them who slept at the living room that nite told her experience that she got a weird sound in her ears – and the sound went on for so long until she finally got up. She did not realize that a thief paid a visit to the house on that same nite. In the midst of blaming each other, they finally realized One more thing. Yeah, they could blame each other for being careless…but they overlooked that this could be A WRITTEN fate that God let to happen to them so that they could open their eyes to their ignorance and carelessness. Without the incident, they won’t know how much their negligence could cost them. Another miraculous prove is that – despite being careless in security, they have been praying daily for God’s protection. And how could they know they are protected until they are so close to being in danger and then they were saved by little thing like the malfunctioned lock. Suddenly they felt so touched with the fact that God has been protecting them and that this break-in story could be minor but a big lesson for them. The sound that  one of them heard that night, could be a sound to alarm that something was happening. God works in mysterious ways. What would we be without our faith.

If you guys happen to experience break-ins and suffered from material loss – instead of making it worse by blaming one another, look at a bigger picture that – Thank God that you guys are safe. Look at it from the way how it has sided you that no one got hurt. Better yet, take the lesson to be more careful and never take things for granted. Being stupid once is enough. Wish everyone a safe life. :) Amen.

Among The Best Gifts For Me – My Mom

I have been reminding my friends about Mother’s Day (8th May 2011). The reason is because I remember, and I think everyone should remember too. We barely have quality times for our mom, so luckily they make a day like that so we have excuse to show more appreciation, just in case we are too shy to do that without proper reasons. Of course, it’s Our Mom, we are born with the reason to love her. She had us in her womb for 9 months, taking care of herself so we could be healthy when we first see this world. The pain of giving birth to us, YOU can never imagine. If you are a female, when you finally have your own child then you know it’s between life or death to bring another life into this world. In the other hand, if you are a male, Imagine that when you hear your wife screaming in pain while giving birth, you know she’s fighting for her life too. The miraculous thing about how God makes it so hard for humans to bear a child probably because He wants us to appreciate one another, especially the children – They can be of bad nature and traits, but they must have LOVE for their mom. Imagine that since day one, she has us above herself. She raised us up the best way possible and here we are.

It’s a lifetime lesson for someone like me to understand a lot of things. I was given a difficult nature to begin with. It must be tough to be a mom to me. I have not become a mom myself, so whatever that I think I have begun to understand is not even half of the whole thing until I become a mom one day. I always have something to object about my mom because I inherit much of my traits from my dad and so I become more sensitive and I always got annoyed by my mom’s way, especially when she always make it a joke when it comes to criticizing others, including her own children. My nature makes me see it as lack of sensitivity because from what I know, not all could take criticism with a light heart. Maybe I could name this as one of the reasons of me being perfectionist when my mom won’t easily praise us for the little achievements. I still remember when I was primary school, I got the third place in my semester examination and I remember my mom said, “So you are happy enough at no. 3?” I was so upset with her when she said that. I replied my mom, “You never get no.3 before so I am considered very good.” Then my mom said, “That was different. It doesn’t mean when I have only achieved no.7 that means you can be happy enough when you be at No. 3.” Of course I was so mad that time. I forgot that my mom was raised in hardship. Money was tough back then and my mom had to quit school very early because of financial and security reasons since she was the only girl in the family and she had to walk a jungle to go to school. She was right. I should never compare myself with my mom because I was raised in a much better environment. I should never grin to be at No.3.

The same thing goes with other things. When it comes to our appearances. My mom always complain about the hair, the shoes and others. She thinks it’s a big deal. Being a grownup now, I get tougher when it comes to criticism. My friends never criticize me that much and there were times when I thought my friends adore me more than my mom did to me because of the constant criticizing. It’s like, “Your hair is too short, it doesn’t suit your face. Your pants are too long, you are sweeping the floor with them. Your handbag is too big, don’t you feel heavy carrying stuff in that?” I mean, Gosh mom… just let me be! Yeah…that was so back then. If this is the reason of my perfectionism, then maybe I should thank my mom because my perfectionism gives me the edge. My customers like me because they know I have a high standard for my work and regardless what price they pay, they know they gonna be satisfied.

My mom has learned a great deal too dealing with children like us, especially me. I am always the toughest one to deal since she knows she could not use the bad language to speak to me or I might fire back. Even at times, my mom could not answer back, and I know she was just a weak human being like me. She learnt something new from every bitter encounter with her children. I know sometimes she got really stressed out too when things didn’t go her way and when her children were showing attitudes that she doesn’t like. Guess what, having children like us makes her a tougher woman. I must repeat this again that My Mom is the strongest woman I know. I still remember when she did not cry a tear in front of us upon losing her dad (our grandpa) on his funeral. I know that she thought we are not used to seeing my mom being overemotional and so she had to keep her cool – and the way I see it, she did that especially for me because I am always the weakest in the siblings. I could not show her weaknesses or else we could have nothing else to rely on and just get consumed with our sadness. Even on my grandma’s funeral a few years after, I cried harder that her.

Mom, thanks for walking me to school when I was a kid. I still remember that I was so small and I held my mom’s arm as we walked as her other hand was holding the umbrella. It was a cute sight. My mom has gone thru a lot being a young mom to raise us all, and marrying my dad, who was once an alcoholic, really taught her maturity before time. Now that we are all working, I am so delighted to see that my mom could have more freedom for herself that she could buy anything she wants and go anywhere she wants. I am so glad that aging only gives her more power over her life. My dad, who is also with a difficult nature, knows this too that he got himself the best wife God could ever reward him with. My mom always got compliments wherever she goes. She looks so much younger than her age, always presentable and even her friends/relatives ask me what’s her secret for “never age” for a long time. I told them this. My mom is really particular about her foods and she listens to what she hears are good for health and longevity. Unlike most of us, we couldn’t care less. We only care to enjoy and have fun. Now it’s pays off. She really looks good for her age. Even much better than years back. Being a Catholic in latter age, helps my mom to rational things and she is so much better in handling things now. Oh Mom, I am so proud of you! Muahsss.. *giggles.

Mom, I know I have done many things I am not proud of. But who knows, one day you will say a little story about me to your friends too, and end it with, I am proud to have a daughter like her. I mean, Okay, maybe not yet but I think I’m going there….Hahahaha. Thanks for being my mom. You are a Wonder Woman, if not more :)

I can't thank you enough :) God Bless You, Mom and Happy Mother’s Day 2011! Muahss

“Just Married”. Correction. Just “Forced To Get” Married.

Hi all. It’s been a while. I will write more about my absence in blogwriting, but lets go straight to the point of this story or I’ll be wasting more time writing nothing. Hehe. Here we go.

Another customer came with her story. Like always, it was unintended that I listen to another real life story by someone that has nothing to do with me for me to know about her private life. Who would have guessed, this girl - is facing a very big chapter in her life, and unlike what most of us imagine it would be that we gonna walk in with a big wide smile, and NOT with tears. This is her story.

In this era of “sinking virtues”, we don’t hear much of parents still taking lead of their children’s lives. We thought that those days where we have to follow orders from our old-fashioned parents, are long over. She proved me wrong. She explained that her life is turning upside down and she feels like a walking corpse. I asked why? She said, she is “forced” on an arranged marriage. It happened so fast that when the parents called her, they told her about a guy who came to their house, asking them for her hands in marriage, without her presence since she has been out of town for months. The dad said from the phone, “I give you 3 days to think about it.” So she thought she had 3 days. Nope, she did not have 3 days because the dad called her a day after asking for her decision and of course she said “No”. Guess what, the dad did not listen. He said, “This marriage will happen no matter what.” Suddenly her world crushed into pieces. 

I asked her, “Who is the guy?” She said she knows the guy since small. Always saw him around during gatherings but she did not has A SINGLE EMOTION defined for this guy. Never did it cross her mind that he is going to be the one she gonna marry. I could see that her eyes were teary as she talked. I asked, “So, are you going to proceed with the marriage?” She said, “I have no choice. I will let my parents do anything they want. I have no energy to argue anymore.” I could sense her hopefulness. I could sense that she has come to the end of her wits to finally be saying all those things. The most painful part of an arranged marriage is when she already has someone in her heart. Gosh.

As you would imagine my reaction, of course I snapped. “Then why don’t you tell your parents that you already have a boyfriend?” She said, “I have told them that I am seeing someone and guess what, they never ask further. THEY DON’T CARE.” I continued saying, “Ask your bf to do something! Don’t just accept this without a fight. Something can be done!” She answered, “It’s hard. My bf is only starting to build his life. He just bought a home and would be long before he could have the saving to afford a marriage. I don’t think telling my parents all that will make a difference. It would further complicate matters since they will have more reasons to smash me. I was like, “THIS IS CRAZY. If I were you, I won’t let this happen, ever. I will fight for my life. Not that I am suggesting you to go against your parents but you are a grown up, you should be able to do something and decide for your future. “ My answer did not amaze her at all. I knew she has been doing a lot of thinking and she has suffered her days counting to the day when that wedding will finally take place. She said she has done enough crying. The hardest part is to accept the fact and say farewell to the lover. The guy knows where he stands. Whatever he does will be in vain since he has time demand for his job and he is at a different location for now and won’t be able to do anything. It was just to hard to do anything in such a short time. What they do now is To Accept this as a written destiny. They have said words of farewell like “Maybe we are not meant to be as soulmates, but we can still be friends.” I could imagine how much tears they cried for the farewell after a 3 years relationship. They even blamed each other for taking it too long to inform to their parents about it. They should bring each other to meet each other’s parents during that long period or else, the parents think that they are not committed to anyone and they have no plans for future. 

After examining her situation…I have this advice to her. Since she has accepted this to be “what’s next” for her, then Stop Going against the flow since it’s still gonna happen anyway. I open my lil story about being “a rebellious child” and how I never let my parents decide for me. I told her, “Consider I have done everything that you should have done if you are as rebellious as me. Now I can tell you one thing that, Our parents only want the best for us. And they DO KNOW better than us, more than what we think. After going against my parents’ will for so many times, like in choosing career, I have to admit that if only I follow their advice, my life must be so much easier than now. So look at this from the good side. You have to be positive and give it a try. You have to give your best cos being sad won’t change anything better for you. She nodded in agreement. 

I have written many cases where people got married not for the most favourite reason. Whatever the reason is for you to get married, if you allow it to be the next thing for you, then why don’t just adapt to that and give your cooperation the best you can. It’s still a gamble of whether it’s going to work out or not. It’s how you manage it after the wedding that will determine half of the result probability. Now that you know the coin is still on the sky, you don’t know yet if it’s going to be the Head or the Tail. Don’t worry about the answer. Your job is to DO Your Best and leave the rest to God. Just give Him enough reasons why you deserve a good ending :)

The Curse Of Being Younger

Today is 7 April 2011. Am I still the same as who I was exactly one year ago? How do I know for sure? I’ve been thinking of this for quite a while. Despite the fact that I always admit that my childishness will always be a part of me, would I actually admit that I’m growing up with time? It’s hard NOT to grow up with time. It’s hard. 

If I were to face the same ordeal, would I handle it the same way just like one year ago? Maybe not. Maybe that’s how I know that I have matured. Though I might find the same situation as annoying as before, but I just react differently. I don’t snap easily and I am more reserve with my expressive responses. I hold my anger better than ever and I don’t simply speak words I would regret. This is a wisdom I don’t know I have until I deal with critical situations that need me to react spontaneously. This is a beauty. Another work of God.

I saw some younger people and put them in my little study case. I could see how I shake my head seeing how they handle things with their lives daily. How they speak all the wrong things that will backfire them. How they react emotionally and throwing tantrums all at the wrong place. Yeah. It should remind me of myself when I was as young as them. I should remember the time when someone picked up a fight with me, I would let people know how pissed and angry I was. I fought till the end that made sure I won’t skip a point in letting them now how Right I thought I was and how wrong I thought they were. It was so tiring to want to prove a point and that feels like a neverending struggle. In the end, you end up looking silly and even if you win, it might not be a fair game.

Being as rebellious as I am now, I don’t think being more matured takes that away. I just express myself in a slightly different way, though still rebelliously. I still make the unpopular decisions and I’m still not so much of a follower. Just that, there are stupidities that I won’t learn until I become older. There were things that I thought was smart, but appear to be not so smart.

I saw some talented people whom I know could get so far but they are lacking in simple things that simply slow them down in their own battle. They get discouraged so easily and get distracted by little games of feelings. I mean, whatta waste. They could not see potentials in them and even if they do, they don’t seem to think that it’s a big deal. In other words, their control for emotions is very weak. In some worse case scenario, some could even end up wasting all their good values over wrong judgment and greed just to prove a useless point over an ego. When I see them, I might not exactly be where they are now before, but it reminds me back in the days where I often wanted to win the wrong struggles just because of peer pressure while trying to deal with my own bad nature. I also remember how easily hurt I got when I received criticism or when I got teased over something. I wasn’t sure if I was good or not so I always depended on people’s opinion. I was still curious if they thought I looked good enough, or presented myself good enough – that I needed their approval before I could approve my own opinion about myself. Those were the days when I was crawling to even find myself. Yeah, I was younger and should I blame myself for not being smart enough? Maybe not.

Today, people could shower me with flattering and even criticism, be it over my attitudes, my looks or my work. They could go ahead and do it. Just that I can’t promise when I would snap the same way. I can’t promise I be as stupid as before. I can’t promise that your approval for my good values are taken so seriously. This is bcos being older gives me a wisdom that I don’t get from all the books I read. I finally see and accept who I am with all my goods and bads and this is without the presence of other people’s opinions.

For the younger people, I am sorry if you don’t have that abilities yet. I’m sorry if you still have to present your stupidest acts or speak all the embarrassing lines to defend yourself. I’m sorry if people could make you cry and lock yourself in the room just because someone throws you a comment that makes you feel like an ugly duckling. I’m sorry that you don’t know your potential as much as others could see. I’m sorry that you buy lies. I’m sorry that you often get caught in wrong infatuation and I’m sorry you can’t even judge it right if someone is sincere or just a sucker-up. Forgive yourself for being younger. It’s not time to be so smart yet. Your time will come.

Survive the ordeals and welcome to the world of maturity. :)

Between Keeping Promises And Pursuing Love

Scenario : You fell in love with this person, and shared love journey and found out that you wanted to commit with this person. You promise to give your lifelong commitment. Your parents have met and acknowledge the relationship between you two. A wedding is expected to happen after a year or so.

You go back to your place where you work, at a place far away from family and the lover. As you go by with your everyday life, you grow quite close to new friend who you find very attractive. The person is like the answer to everything that you want. You know you are taken, but you think it doesn’t harm to just be friendly and you thought it won’t hurt your relationship with your lover. Call this Forces of Nature, cos you never intend to cheat. You even told the person that you have a lover. You both believe you two gonna be just friends.

Day to day, you have stopped thinking about your lover. You are filled with the new person. When the new person reminded you about your lover, you get annoyed and disturbed. You want both of you to forget about the existence of the first lover. The next thing is you confess feelings for the person and the person sort of accepting it. You feel so good inside because it’s a boost to yourself to finally get the person as your lover. You are so madly in love. The new person gives you all the right reaction. The first lover out of the picture.

One day, it explodes when the first lover comes to your place from afar and claim your words. The person bursts in anger to know that you have another lover. The lover stays there to guard and watch your move because the lover decides that there’s no way you can go with second lover so peacefully. In desperation, you silently still meet your second lover. The second lover is so shocked to hear about the first lover. The 2nd lover thought you are no longer with the 1st lover because of your reluctance. The 2nd lover feels cheated but you beg the 2nd lover to stay and be patient as you will handle this matter. You are determined to break up with the first one and go with the 2nd.

So, this is why most of you pick no.2. right? A typical answer :)

The scenario above happened to a person I know. The person has picked No.1 lover. You might pick the same if given the situations that:

1. Your first lover is the type who fight for his/her rights. All the family matters will be brought to your attention so you know you are in deep sheit. You can’t just back up thinking that many people are affected.

But after knowing this, you might still persist to go through all that, because you don’t want to lose the 2nd lover. The first lover puts your life in misery that you hardly have space for the second lover since the interference. You keep telling your second lover to be patient for this because you need to settle things first and you don’t dare to push away the 1st lover without proper procedure because of the involvement of family. You need the 2nd lover to understand and wait for you.

Yeah…You will still stick with your decision to pursue you love…UNTIL…

You wake up one morning finding out that the 2nd lover has simultaneously closed all connections with you without even a goodbye. The 2nd lover picks the time to just walk away from you and let you just proceed with your old lover. The 2nd lover has determined to make the decision easier for you.

Now, you don’t have much choice but go with the 1st lover.

I have some advice to ANYONE who becomes the 2nd lover in a story similar to this. If you become the person who is torn between 2 lovers, IT’S TOUGH TO MAKE DECISIONS. That’s why I call upon all who become the 2nd lover.

1. Imagine yourself in the 1st lover place, I hope the pain won’t kill you. It must be darn painful.

2. Imagine the life after marriage. You won’t be accepted so easily into the family after what you did and the 1st lover may do anything to see you down. Can you live in peace?

3. Out of humanity who has a heart. Even if you say you don’t believe in karma, it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

So back out. You as the 2nd lover is the best person to save this situation.

Some things are decided by GOD. You can only do so much but the rest is not up to you. So do your part by not destroying as much as u don’t want to be destroyed. You made some damage but you can still fix things. A little sacrifice and tears, you will receive what you best deserve. So the best to be is DO NOT GET IN THIS MESS. Pull back if you think you are getting into one. You can pursue happiness without making some people cry. If so, no one gonna make you cry that way too. :)

Your New Identity Successfully Installed...

If you guys have been in chatrooms, you will understand this. Chatrooms (especially MIRC) has this power of creating “a whole new world” for the chatters. It’s where we are known by our nicknames and nothing else. You can just randomly picked any name for people to call you and then get active in the main window where everyone can see you chat, and then you create a history as you get well known to more chatters. IRC is where you can see politics, friendships, crushes, broken hearts and even sexual encounters and even rivalry. It is indeed another world. Seriously. Another world.

Some chatters even have a new life once they enter the chatroom. They fake their identity, they become the characters they are not and they speak the language they never speak, while the rest just play it honest..just be who they are as in real world. The capability of making chatrooms connect people from their fingers straight to their hearts – lead to many other outcomes that you can only guess. But when you want to know it for real, you have to experience it yourself. Some cyber encounters are only meant to stay in cyberworld and some really get to happen and be part of their realities. It’s interesting to be involved in another world of possibilities. People might say they don’t believe in IRC stuff, but for me who spend my time daily in the chatrooms, it’s a humiliation to say that I don’t actually believe a single thing about it. Oh come on. Save me some face here. *Lols.

After sometime, you have to leave the chatroom because you get busy with something new. Whether it’s studies, family and career, or you just purposely force yourself to leave because of some bitter experiences. After a while, for some reason, you feel like going back to that virtual world. Whether you gonna find the old friends back or not. But since you are using your nickname, they will only recognize you if you use the old nickname. Aha…read the topic. This is when some of you would appreciate this cyberworld freedom of being whoever you want when they choose to come back with A New Identity. Yes, A New Identity. It’s like a computer with an erased memory. You come back as a brand new person, a new nick and some other characters to further hide you from being recognized. I mean, if you ask me Why would people need a new identity?

Like the reasons I stated above, they just want to start a clean slate. Not wanting to open up old book, but they still want to be part of that community they was once in. They still want to join their favourite channels. So, they come back with a new nick and introduce themselves like they are newbies. From there, a new history is creating in progress. No more old stories that come in the picture. What you have to do is just fake some details , and maybe pictures too and create your new persona. With the power of assumptions, you can successfully install you New Identity. Viola!

This thing happens. If you come across some people who take this approach to restart their virtual life in the chatrooms – what should you do? Should you force them to tell who they are so you don’t have to act noob just to welcome a new person or will you just let them play their game how they want? I come across new personalities who have had history in the channels they join, and they want to start new. Being unknown and make new friends. They come across old friends too but they pretend not knowing them. For some reasons they know best, they have to do this for protect their personal interest. Are they wrong for having A New Identity? The answer is, No. Cyberworld is a world of freedom. Your mind and your fingers are the conductor of You. You are what you type. So knowing that you don’t have that choice in real life, why would you waste the chance that can benefit you? Whether it's a secret that you want to keep, a person that you want to get rid of – You surely can resort to A New Virtual Identity. Or you might just want to challenge yourself, not wanting to rely on your past, so you decide to Get Famous again with your new persona. Hahahaha. Interesting!

Well…Look…if I do come across people who want to start clean…of course I wonder what their old identitiy. What if they were one of those goodfriends that I thought I lost? What a waste that we have to start all over again just because the person decides to use new identity. I mean, can we just continue where we left? In the other hand, I DO understand why people come back with a New Identity, and they are under no obligation to tell everyone about their old identity that might bring prejudice for people who already know them. They would face the risk of people bringing out the old story and never let them be peace with a their comeback. I UNDERSTAND. I PERFECTLY UNDERSTAND :)

Want to know why I understand your situation? Because Twofivesix[256] is also My New Identity :) One day I will open this story but for now, if you ask me again…Yes I understand. And I will let you keep your secret.

We just want a peaceful life…doing good things and make ourselves as well as other people happy. Our identity shouldn’t get in the way. So go have a new one if it suits you. Trust me I understand :)