You Can't Force Chemistry, Neither Can You Deny

Do you think it's impossible to feel attracted to someone who is already taken? In other word, it's forbidden attraction. But it's human nature to break rules. We just love the thrill of it. Or maybe, it's simpler than that. Chemistry is not something you can force to exist, the same way you can't deny when it does. But do you like the idea? I don't think it's cool cos it can lead to emotional disturbance. What if it gets far. What if you start to expect something more. Then it leads you to getting hurt trying to cope with it. Not cool, right? As I experiment daily encounters with people, I understand how attractions can happen. Some people just click right away. They understand each other and they enjoy each other's company. And that doesn't happen all the time. Just a number of them. Or maybe just one in many. So don't say chemistry is normal. What uncool is when people find each other when they are already taken and made them think why don't they meet sooner than that? But this is very normal and you don't necessarily have to take it seriously. Maybe these little attractions are just there to add spark to your life and make you understand life and appreciate your loved one even more! Whatever you do, lets just enjoy the chemistry that comes along but always know where you stand. Don't let the chemistry destroy the science of your commitment and responsibility. Jangan main api masa dia masi kecil, sebab kalau dia besar susah tu genggg. Hahahaha

Given Only When Not Asked

Ada perangai manusia yang sedikit pelik. When orang minta something daripada kita, sometimes kita reluctant mau bagi. In fact, awalnya kita ada keinginan mau kasi, terus hilang keinginan tu gara2 orang tu beriya-iya meminta daripada kita. Want some example? 

I still remember dulu I have this friend, he called me almost everyday. Maybe from there, terbuilt la closeness tu. That time I was still studying at the uni. So, he made the effort untuk pegi bagi sia a few gifts, left it at the guard house. So maybe he thought he should get something from me too. But since the gifts were not my requests, sia nda rasa sia hutang dia apa2. But I remember dia berabis kasi ingat sia birthday dia. He said I must give him something. I hated it when he kept asking. Sebab if I give him present untuk birthday dia, seolah-olah sia dengar arahan dia dan sia cuma ikut arahan. I hate that. Sebab sia nda pernah minta dia macam tu. Maybe sia ada request minta burn dia cd but dat time he was the one yg berabis offer mau kasi. So memang sia tidak pernah put dia in the position yg meluat sebab kena minta2. Hahaha.

Guess what, I didn't give him anything on his bday. Just wish ja. Sebab we were just friends and I didn't have any intention untuk over dari tu so sia position-kan diri sia sebagai kawan yang tidak patut rasa tertekan or terikat. So bday dia berlalu begitu ja but sia ada juga la wish dia. Looks like dia tidak juga merajuk. Dia masih kawan sama sia juga. Or maybe sia ja insensitive sebab sia ndatau yg mungkin dia kecil hati. So akhirnya time Christmas, masa tu dia langsung teda cakap apa2 pasal minta gift. Sia buli pula pegi kasi beli dia satu frame Christmas and made the effort untuk send sama dia. Masa tu mungkin dia rasa limpas sudah mood dia untuk harap apa2 dari sia, or maybe masa tu kami punya friendship sudah tidak begitu rancak macam bulan2 sebelumnya. So masa tu dia thank sia pun dengan cool ja tanpa rasa excited. Ya la sebab maybe dia sudah tangkap sia punya style yg tidak selesa kalau dia terlampau beriya-iya. Or maybe dia sudah tawar hati dengan friendship tu. Anything could be it. So is it familiar to you?

Kepelikan ni berlaku juga sehari-hari. Sedar nda sedar, di masa ada orang yg mau attention kita, kita paling reluctant. But at the same time, kita bagi attention kita sama yang tidak begitu menghargai. If you ask me, how does it feel like to give something to someone who doesn't ask? Actually it's not about the person who doesn't ask. It's about you who want to give. Kita berada di situasi yang kita mau memberi sama orang yg ditakdirnya tidak begitu menghargai  atau mengharapkan pemberian kita, sedangkan ada org yang akan sangat happy kalau dorang yg dapat, but sayangnya we don't feel like giving it to that person, apa lagi kalau kita tau yg org tu beriya-iya, dan sangat mengharap. Kita boleh batalkan niat tu untuk membagi. Peliklah manusia ni.

So, does it mean we should stop meminta-minta, sedangkan kita mau betul orang tu bagi kita something? So bila lah kita akan dapat kalau nda meminta? Hahahaha. Kalau mau tunggu org tu bagi kita sendiri, silap2 nda merasa la kita kan? Hehehe. So conclusion dia begini ja. Teda choice sudah! Biar la kita nda dapat apa yg kita mau daripada orang tu asalkan jangan dia tidak mau kasi kita gara2 meluat kena minta2. Hahaha. It means, biar ja la! Jangan la meminta dan cuba la dengan cara lain supaya orang tu terbuka hati mau bagi dengan ikhlas. Itu seja caranya supaya dua2 happy. Kalau orang tu nda juga bagi, anggap seja la bukan rezeki. Beginilah resminya kehidupan. Bila orang minta kita susah mau kasi, tapi bila kita kasi sama org yg nda meminta, org tu nda hargai. Mungkin kita kena hadap ja benda ni sampailah satu masa yg memberi dan menerima, suka sama suka. Fair right? Mungkin rare tapi itu still adalah yang terbaik! Ini lah antara kepelikan manusia yg  kita terpaksa hadap. Hehe

This Is Maturity

I've experienced quite a lot in all the years doing my job now. At one time, I thought I've conquered everything. I know what to answer, I know how to react, I know how to do my job efficiently on short notice. The worst experience with customer was partly my fault so I took the full blame. That was the last time I remember. Everything else between that was within my control. Until today.

This customer is just...*something*. She took the time to come and review the final work. She sat there for around half an hour looking at the review. She said many No to me before, Change this, Change that, she definitely knew what she wanted. Half an hour is long enough for her to say anything similar. But instead, she sat there nodding all the time. Nodding is a sign of approval. In fact she said her approval very clearly that there's no way I could have misunderstood it. Until everything was done today and she was showing protest with her loud voice. Ouch, Seriously? As it was happening, I saw it as "a new experience I have to see". That I have not seen enough. Someone so ridiculous and out of this world. People like her do exist. 

With that loud voice as if I did not know how to do my work, I wanted to just answer her back cos I could highlight her mistake and legally make her responsible for the result. BUT I DID NOT. In fact, the moment it was happening, I already know what I needed to do. Let her have her way and quickly let this pass. It doesn't matter if she was wrong. It doesn't even matter if I lose some money. NOTHING like that matters. I have in my mind a lot of good things, something like that just doesn't add up. My happy thoughts, my gratefulness, my blessings, my everything, wow, they are just way way greater than one silly customer. Sorry for calling her silly but she will have a hard time if she behaves that way. I right away pass her to someone else, she was reluctant but she could see my resistance of not wanting to continue the deal with her. Her bitter nature is good for experience and someone else needs to deal with her. She needs that experience herself to learn more about herself. Lets take the lesson and leave.

Wow, so this is what maturity feels like. Anything that doesn't vibe, anything that doesn't sync, doesn't suit, doesn't match, let it pass. They are on their own journey too and why should we stop each other? None of us are perfectly right. We don't need to prove that. Stop denying. Stop defying. Everything flows to its own course and direction. We should only focus on what's awesome in this life. Everything else, just let it go :))

"Hashtag Cinta Sampai Jannah"

Disember last year, ada ni satu new customer. She said they were gonna have a family day event. Then she kept saying it was her husband's request untuk bikin tu family day. Families all the way from Brunei pun akan fly untuk join tu event. Dorang plan buat di satu villa yg quite expensive juga la. Memang confirm besar-besaran. And cerita punya cerita, akhirnya dia buka mulut pasal husband dia. Husband dia has been sick for 4 years from a rare disease yang menyebabkan kelumpuhan. Masa dia cakap tu, dia sangat relax sedangkan sia pula tergamam, terkaku kejap, sebab condition husband dia tu seolah-olah terminal dan tidak boleh ubat lagi. Guess what, but he is very much normal half body up sebab dia boleh berfikir dan cakap macam biasa cuma sentiasa terbaring ja. In fact masa dia di depan sia tu, dia call lagi husband dia minta opinion tentang itu ini and the husband give decision on the budget and other things. Dalam hati sia masa tu macam2 persoalan. Perempuan yang di depan sia tu treat husband dia betul2 macam husband dia sihat. Kalau sia tidak tau cerita husband dia, sia fikir dia bercakap sama org yang perfectly sihat.

The way the wife cerita pasal condition husband dia tu,  walaupun dia nampak relax, tapi ada something yg dia pendam. Satu kesedihan yang sudah lama dia rasa sampai satu tahap dia sudah PASRAH. She did say the sentence, "Memang tidak boleh ubat sudah. Doktor sudah suruh balik rumah." Then dia ada kasi tunjuk gambar tu husband bergambar sama siblings dia. Very normal cuma dia duduk ja. It scared me thinking about the family day they gonna have. Seolah-olah it's to celebrate "Kepasrahan" yang ada perkara yang kita tidak boleh ubah lagi. Tapi they decide untuk terus menikmati hidup dan bukannya meraung meratap. They even decide untuk berhappy-happy bersama2.

So a few weeks after tu event, tu customer request sia di FB and sia accept. I still remember her. So dapat juga la nampak gambar2 family day tu. Memang meriah macam yang sia imagine. Dan nampak juga la husband tu punya Fb. Rupanya husband dia ni seorang yg berkerjaya dan selalu post sharing di Fb sebelum dia kena penyakit tu lagi dan terus sharing biarpun masa dia sudah sakit. Memang jenis familyman yg commited sama bini dan anak2. Kalau sia tengok gambar2 masa dia sihat, kehidupan ni betul2 tidak boleh dijangka. Boleh ja sia assume at least dia akan terus aktif dan sihat sampai tua. Rupanya tidak. Dia sudah bedridden selama 4 tahun. You know kan 4 tahun tu bukan kejap. That explains why no more tears di mata bini tu. Di hati dia sepa yang tau kan? I thought, "Betul2 strong ni perempuan".

Nda lama selepas dia add sia di Fb tu, dia wasap sia. Of course I still remember her. Wasap dia berbunyi macam ni. "Hi, masih ingat saya? Yang buat family day hari tu? Just mau bagitau kamu, husband saya baru ja pergi untuk selamanya." Terus sia terstuck kejap. OMG. I didn't know how to react.  Hanya 2 minggu selepas family event yg dia request, dia pergi dalam tidur. Sia terkejut dan sia pause kejap untuk fikir how to reply wasap dia properly. Dapat juga sia respond dengan cepat dan sampaikan takziah untuk dia. Gosh. You need to really use the right word kalau untuk benda macam ni. Tidak boleh sembarangan tulis but it has to sound natural so they know kita ikhlas. The way dia answer sia balik, dia terima kasih untuk kata2 tu, buat sia rasa "she really needs soothing words from the people around her". Biarpun kami tidak begitu kenal but maybe words dari strangers tu pun boleh help dia untuk cope with kesedihan. If you ask me, this woman jenis yg tidak overemotional. Kau tidak akan nampak luaran dia. Kau nampak dia tenang ja. Kamurang tau kalau kamu jumpa perempuan begini, dia bina kekuatan dari airmata tu. Kuat dia jenis yang luarbiasa. Kau tidak akan dapat tembus dia. Dia hanya akan luahkan bila dia tutup pintu dan teda sepa nampak. Dia ada 3 anak mau kasi besar. Does she have a better choice? To be strong is her only choice!

The reason why sia tulis ni sebab sia nampak dia pos di Fb just now. Biarpun dia selalu juga post2 pasal anak2 dia selepas dorang meneruskan kehidupan, but dia akan sekali sekala post yang emosi, dengan hashtag yang penuh kerinduan dan kasih sayang. It made me think, life ni sememangnya penuh uncertainties kan. Kita teda choice but untuk live life sebaik-baiknya setiap hari, and garsh this time I mean it even more! Jangan lagi delay. Jangan lagi stock2 tu kasih sayang simpan untuk hari esok, ini hari ini jam juga kau mesti kasi tunjuk tu sayang kau. Sebab hari esok betul2 kita tidak tau. Dan I'm sure cerita laki bini ni dulu sama macam orang lain masa dorang mula2 mencari pasangan hidup dulu. Mesti dorang expect untuk kawin someone yg love dorang seadanya, sanggup susah senang, dan kalau boleh sampai ke akhir hayat. 

Sebenarnya misi the husband sudah selesai. Di akhir hidup dia pun isteri dia setia di sisi dia. Bersabar dengan keadaan dia, terus jaga dia sampai ke hujungnya. Guess what, some of us masih lagi wondering kalau partner kita buli bikin semua tu, but at least for the husband, he got his answer. He found that woman. Sia rasa inilah yg semua lelaki mau. A wife yang akan setia dan sayang dorang sampai akhir hayat. Sia berani cakap yang bukan senang untuk jumpa perempuan yang boleh sayang kamu seikhlasnya. Until this time sia sendiri pun tidak boleh confirm yang sia ada capability untuk buat gitu. So, kamu hargailah wife kamu yang setia di sisi kamu dan jaga makan pakai kamu. Masa kamu sakit pun dia jagakan. Kamu buli jumpa 10 perempuan lain yg kamu suka selain bini kamu tapi belum tau ada satu yg buli sayang kamu macam bini kamu. Bukan kita tau kita sampai bila. Gunalah masa yang ada untuk sayang orang yg setia di sisi kamu cos orang ni la yg akan terus merindui dan menangisi kamu kalau kamu ditakdirkan pegi dulu. Oh gosh. Perit kan realiti hidup yg terpaksa berpisah. Tapi untuk yg Muslim, dorang percaya dorang akan bertemu semula di Jannah so tiadalah cinta suami isteri yg lebih sempurna melainkan cinta yang sampai ke Jannah, and for us Christians, the Eternal Life. Could we be one of them? We don't have the answer for that kan. Yang kita mampu cuma to live and to love with all we have. Our time is limited and is running out. No more delay, guys. 

"Cermin Cantik"

Ada satu cermin di office sia. Sia beli around 8 or 9 years ago and still around and looking new today. Sia nda sedar juga anything special with the mirror. Sia ingat sia beli dia sebab price dia berbaloi. About RM15 untuk mirror yang begitu besar. Frame kayu dan buli tahan berat juga. You can see half part of your body up.

So tu mirror sia taruh belakang my office chair. So sia ndalah selalu guna melainkan ada yang sia mau tinguk but boleh dikatakan jarang juga sia guna tu mirror. Buli ja sia guna cermin muka kecil yang sia simpan di beg.

So about this cermin. Sia nda sedar juga apa2 keistimewaan dia melainkan saiz dia ja. But when sia guna tu cermin, sia rasa memang sentiasa nampak ok, tapi sia fikir pasal lighting yang kasi effect tu. Sampai la satu masa, balik2 kawan2 sia cakap, "Kenapa muka sia nampak cantik di cermin ni ah?" or "Wah sia nampak kurus oh sini!" Awal2 tu sia rasa dorang joking2 ja, sampai la dorang balik2 datang untuk guna cermin tu ja. "Sia suka ni cermin sini sebab sini sia cantikkk" dorang bilang. Hahahahah. 

So maybe betul tu cermin bikin org nampak cantik. Sia nda juga perasan la sebab biasanya kalau mangut, sama juga mangut. Sama juga sia kena kasi betul rambut sia, sama juga sia nampak mata bengkak, semua kekurangan pun sama juga sia nampak. Tapi mungkinkah yang di luar daripada cermin tu adalah lebih teruk daripada itu? HAHAHAHAHAHAA

Camana hebat juga satu cermin tu sampai buli mengubah muka seseorang tu? Logik ka? Mungkin sia terbeli cermin yg nampak kurus, iaitu cermin yg sepatutnya pekedai beli letak di fitting room. Cermin macam ni akan banyak tolong kedai baju untuk kasi laris baju dorang sebab kau akan nampak nice guna baju tu. So, berbalik kepada my office mirror.

You know what. It made me think. Just like makeup. They said makeup made you fake. That good look is not yours. Although I'm not a makeup person, but I don't agree that people bash women who wear make-ups. You know that the person behind that makeup is still that woman's face. That beauty that is generated from the makeup is because the woman's face features allow it. You can't really fake everything bah. It's just another version of the woman's face but still of the woman's face. Bila sia tinguk muka Before and After a makeover, sia buli nampak beauty tu memang ada di muka sebelum makeup tu, then baru jadi secantik selepas makeup. Yes, I always find myself saying, "Because you are already pretty bah, that's why"

So to whoever yang obsess kepada certain cermin yang buat dorang suddenly nampak cantik, iaitu macam cermin di office sia, I feel the same way about that. That "Kamurang memang cantik pun bah." Apa sangat la yang ni cermin buli buat kan? Cos when dorang puji tu muka dorang di cermin, dan sia pi tengok muka dorang di cermin tu, masih juga muka dorang pun. Cuma mungkin cermin tu macam kasi illusion a bit slimmer, plus lighting sikit, but STILL, That's still your face bahhh. "You are already that pretty, that's why!" 

So bila dorang balik2 puji tu cermin sia, akhirnya sia kasi pindah tu cermin di area yang lebih luas untuk orang guna. Sia pun buli lebih selalu guna sebab tidak kena block oleh kerusi sia lagi. Sekarang bila sia tinguk tu cermin with the knowledge that urang cakap cermin sia tu Cermin Cantik (cermin yang kasi cantik...hehe) then sia pun bercermin dengan assumption yang Ah, ini mesti muka sia yang lebih cantik dari yg betul2. Hehe. Terfikir juga sia, kamu tau meh macamana muka kita di mata orang lain? Are you sure that you don't look like the image in the Cermin Cantik? Kalau ada 3 cermin, semua kasi slightly different image, macamana kau tau mana satu yg betul2 adalah rupa kau? Sebab bukan kau buli nampak rupa kau guna mata kau sendiri secara direct. Di gambar pun sebenarnya bergantung kepada angle, lighting, position, then itu la result yg dalam gambar. 

What if cermin2 lain yg kau cakap tidak berapa cantik tu adalah cermin yg bagi image yang tidak tepat? What if Cermin Cantik tu yang kasi image yg paling tepat? Nahhhhh kann. Now you are thinking. LOLS.

What I want to say is, don't let a mirror define what you feel about yourself. Kalau kau confused, kita kasi senang cerita, kau pecaya ja sama apa yang kau nampak di Cermin Cantik tu sebab tiadalah jadi cantik macam tu kalau muka kau sendiri betul2 berlawanan sama image tu kan? Sebab muka kau begitu la, kau nampak imej yg macam tu di Cermin Cantik. Kau percaya ja apa Cermin Cantik kasi tunjuk kau sebab That's still very much your face! No more denial that you are already that beautiful. Just thank your creator for that!

*giggles  :PP

Is 256 Losing Memory?

Hi all!

Thanks for checking out my blog everyday just to see if I post a new entry. Now you guys make me feel guilty for not writing. Hehe Recently, I get myself busy in Fb re-posting my older posts. I joined Fb in 2010 so I have like about 8 years accumulated memories to repost. Everyday I have like 13-14 memories posted on the same date from the previous years. That's quite a lot!

So what do I get so far? WHOA! My forgotten memories, of course!! Memories are treasure really, but before that, you MUST remember them! If you have a treasure box but you don't remember you have it, it would be useless, right? So I feel like I'm doing Treasure Hunt while I dig my older posts in Fb. Pictures, thoughts,  events, Oh Gosh, I forgot about them already! I kept saying, I forgot I have this! I forgot I posted this! 

Well, do you guys think that's normal? Hahaha. OR maybe I'm suffering from minor memory loss? No, seriously, I'm curious! In fact, earlier this year I did blog-scheming on this blog of mine, I actually forgotten so so many things. I got even so emotional when some memories hit me back. Darn, just what's wrong with me? Why it feels like I was gone to a different planet and just got back home to earth? Hahahaha

Then I remember I start consuming a pill for skin allergy for the past few months. One of the side effect is minor memory loss. But if I don't take the pill, I would have scars all over my skin because of the itchiness. The thing is, the itchiness keeps changing place. It will itch and disappear, but if I scratch too much it will leave scar. So is this the reason behind my memory loss? *thinking...thinkinggg

Okay, I'm giggling as I'm writing this. I mean, who doesn't forget things right? It could be that all of you are experiencing the same things (or could be worse than me...hehe). Lets just assume that we can only remember so much, so we have limited storage in our memory box. More and more new memories, we have to kick some  old ones go. So can we accept that explanation for now? Hehe

Anyway, I'm glad that I get the time to do this. I can't keep on saving old memories and never revisit them. They are meant to be revisited! and Reappreciated! And for all the people who have been there, and still here today, still appreciating my presence whether as Fb friend, or as just as a blogger, thank you so much. Especially those who are around since 2008 when I started this blog, and up to today, those you are friends with me in Fb and saw all my nonsense there and still bear with me, Oh gosh I owe you guys a thank you. Thank you, thank you and thank you. Treasure every moment, they are so so so priceless.  Last but not least, thank you Lord for this awesome life!

"A Pandora Box"

When people get to read your writing but you hide behind a pen name, people get curious. Even if there's really nothing much about it. Just to have a name to sign at the bottom.

What's in the mind of the likes of Doe Zantamata when they first pick the pen name. Do they intentionally create a game so people will find a way to solve a puzzle? I don't really know. But speaking of Doe Zantamata, I got really curious about this author too. You could see my post about her in the list of most popular posts in my blog. I bet many were like me, and their curiosity brought them to my blog. I especially love all her motivational poems. Her way of thinking just the same as mine,  I mean I don't find that always. This was years ago when she started to get attention because her quotes and poems were all over the Facebook, and everywhere. So that time was her peak. I bet she would feel really excited seeing people getting too curious to know about her if she intended it. Because it worked. She wrote amazing stuff to the point that people want to know who is she. And I bet, some disagree that she hides behind a pen name. Why hide, right? Are you ashamed or yourself or something? Ashamed of the way you look? Are you really that monstrously ugly? Yeah, you get that random assumptions from your readers. Only when the curiosity starts to fade, suddenly Doe Zantamata uploaded her picture on her social media accounts. When I was not curious anymore, then she revealed herself. The impact was not dramatic. In fact most of the readers are not even bothered anymore. It's like, "So, finally she puts her picture. Ok then." If only she did it a few years before when everyone was excited to know her, maybe she made an explosion by uploading her picture. Doe is one good looking lady. Now it made you wonder a bit why would she hide herself to begin with? Isn't that good look a waste when you hide it behind a pen name? Yeah, that's probably in the thoughts of most of her readers. My guess is that, Doe finally feels at ease to share her picture when people are less curious. Yeah, maybe. I understand the pressure.

My point is, people with pen names like us, we are easily the target of your overrated curiosity. I HATE THAT kind of CURIOSTY. This is me after 11 years using this 3-digit pen name. Cos I've come across people that would do anything to dig me up. Like wasting a few stupid years just to totally uncover my real identity. I'm not hiding but the pressure you guys give on me made me realize it's better to stay this way. Cos it's not like you will appreciate me as a real friend. READ THIS PROPERLY. People who are superexcited to dig about me are the people who don't see me as a person. You guys see me as a Pandora Box that you want to open and to see what's the inside. I am just an Object of your curiousity. I'm just an Object of your thrill-seeking adventure. You forgot that I'm just a normal person, who has feelings, who expects to be treated properly as a woman, and a friend. 

I AM NOT A PANDORA BOX.

Cos if you treat me like a Pandora Box, your adventure will end by the time you open the box. By the time you have no more mysteries to uncover. When all the contents of the box are out, the box has no value anymore. I myself wasn't aware of this until I came across a few encounters. Encounters that have no real values that only see me as a "mystery" - and...not a human. That's why a few times I changed my mind about just getting rid of this pen name and write just as my real self. But I will not have many things to write if I use my real identity because I usually write about people that I know and know me. It's like sharing people's secret to public because definitely people know who I'm writing about. Plus, I'm writing about my personal opinion on it, just like I do to my own life scenarios - and this pen name gives me the freedom to do it without really exposing anybody's identity. So this is NOT about giving you the thrill to Unbox me. I'm still with my little peaceful life and I am as human and as real as can be. I don't deserve to be treated like a Pandora Box, cos I AM NOT that. If I have to keep people being curious, I will rather let it be. I will release that burden off my shoulder now.

Maybe if we meet outside, and we decided to be friends, I will let you know too late that I'm 256 and great that you have been reading my blog. Maybe that way I know that I get the most sincere treatment from you. That's justice for myself. With this pen name, I can never give you the proper friendship too. Maybe we should really leave it to destiny if we were to meet by chance. Thank you, guys.

Just Because I'm A Woman?

Today I pissed a few people off. Cos there are certain things in life that you have to do in order to have your work done properly. Cos sometimes, people take advantage of my gender, that I'm a woman, so I have to always be considerate, I always have to pick the nice words, I have to always give way and I have to always understand. I can do all that, but I won't do it all the time. Cos I need to draw the line. It's so unfair when people think they deserve the good treatment from me just because I'm a woman, that, "Oh, it's the right way for a woman to behave". "I hate That.

I especially hate it when people take my smile and friendliness and use them against me to their advantage.  It's not that easy to draw the line. Cos I want my customers to know, "there's a line here" and they should not cross it. Sometimes I just have to hurt and piss them off just for them to realize that. Then what, now I have to feel guilty? (Am I in Chucky or Anabelle mode right now? I'm sounding so bad! LOLS)

Just like what happened today. The other day, I offered my customers to help them with their Fb page. Because they have just started and I felt that they needed some help. It didn't give justice to their company from what they displayed in the page especially when their services doesn't involve small money. It's considered a big business. Well, maybe because I'm a woman, I have that empathy to actually offer my help. This favour is not free for the usual customers. Again, maybe because I'm a woman I consider how long they have been my customers and I think that favour doesn't hurt, but to be fair, I have my terms and conditions. I said to them, this favour is one-off, means anything more than this, I will pose the normal charge. And guess what, maybe the didn't read that properly, or they took it for granted wishing that I could adjust my T & C, that I'd be lenient, I'd be kinder, I'd be considerate - all because, Ah, she's a woman, she should do and be all that! Darn, I hate it! And NO, that's not the way to go.

Stop using our gender to give justice to your action. Stop making us feel that we should behave in a certain way because we are a woman and a woman should put others above themselves because we have empathy and we are born to have soft heart and you can simply ask for our consideration whenever you want. This is the tough part about being a woman. That I have to defy all the common beliefs about What Women Should Be. No, there's no such thing. If I bow to that, I better stay at home and be a homemaker. Now I'm sounding like this, I must be a subject of evaluation, Oh 256, you are just bad like that. Cos do you have any idea if I can't speak? If I care to only be the most courteous person in front of you just to fulfill my attributes as a woman? It's impossible to get any job done properly. You know how many women out there are being bullied, are being mistreated, are being taken advantage of, Just because they care so much about how people think they should behave as a woman? They don't speak. They just accept when people give, and if people don't, they suffer alone. The mistakes that some of my friends do that keep landing them in the same trouble. Surprisingly, with this kind of firmness, it doesn't mean I am a harsh person. It doesn't mean I will always hurt you with my words. I'm not. I'm still filled with smiles and laughters. I still make you laugh. I'll still offer you help. But then please also accept that I'll be strict about work. Cos I can't adapt my play time rules at work. Oh, you think I should, just because I'm a woman, right?

So when I behave out of my way just to make some people understand, don't think I'm not aware of how you gonna perceive me. But if I care, I can't get my job done. If I think I can't make them understand, I'll just refuse any other future work from them. I will let them explore somewhere else and maybe find some other women who will let you bully them. OK 256, ENUFF with the ranting. LOLS.

Now you get it why being a woman is not easy? I hope you get an idea.

"Friends With Benefits"

Call it the slang for the urban people. Friends With Benefits according to the movie starred by Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis - is initially about two friends who mutually agree that adding sex to their friendship will not lead to complications since they are Just Friends. My chatfriends called it FB - F*ckBuddies. Garsh, stop teaching me bad words, you people. LOLS. How urban can we be to actually "normalize" this kind of companionship between two people? And in what sense that you think it's okay to apply it in your life after all the eastern and conservative values that our parents taught us when we were growing up?

Okay, yeah this subject is a taboo, it's not openly acceptable in our culture. IT'S NOT. But that doesn't mean people don't do it. As you guess it, I thought about this topic when yesterday, my female friend was telling me stuff about her other female friend, who is married, with 3 teenage daughters, and yeah, she's doing THAT. My friend said to me, 256, THIS IS SECRETTTTTTT. It's very sinful of me to tell another person about this, you are the first one to know!!! That other female is many years our senior but she definitely looking good for her age. Actually, she has been my customer a few times. Complete Islamic image from the outer. With very decent attires, hijab and the first time she spoke to me, Ah, she's considered well-mannered to me. I actually kinda like my first impression of her. When she came to my place, she brought me some extra snack for free. I mean, you know that adab bertandang when you give the host some food out of courtesy. Not many of my customers have it. So okay, I decided I like that lady.

I don't mean to break my word to my friend by blogging about this. As you know I will not include any detail, you won't know this lady since you don't even know me. LOLS. Even if you know me, you will still not know which is the lady. So the only reason why I write this is just to share about something that is happening in the society today, and give some thoughts about it.

The institution of marriage is losing its sacredness, and with the rising of extramarital activities without or with the knowledge of the spouse is just alarming. Do you agree with me that as the world getting older, we are slowly losing our core values. But wait, I don't think people get married just to purposely plan to cheat. I think they get married with the idea they gonna build a family and stick by each other till the end. But then we just never know what happens in the middle. We never know what kind of issue they face. And what kind of temptation. As for this lady, according to my friend, she loses interest in her husband and maybe he could not perform his manly duty, but he fulfills his other responsibility as the breadwinner of the family. She can still say she has a good husband but it's just bedroom issues that she can't tell just anyone. So when her husband worked in a different district and her daughters were staying at the hostel, she had all the freedom and time for herself. Maybe she gave in for the first temptation and then she just got stuck in it. The thing is, she has different guys for that purpose. It's not like she's in a relationship with them. It's a No Strings Attached kinda agreement. It could be with a single man, or with a married man, where it's known to them that she is a married woman. Of course, I didn't believe it at first. No way. I mean, she could do many other crimes but That? The questions like, Serious bah? When did she find time for that? Cos now her husband is transferred to town, he's around and she's no longer so free. But her activities are still going on because she often gives excuses that she wants to meet a friend that her husband knows (my friend is always the victim for this purpose) when actually she is meeting a guy somewhere. Everytime after she did "it", she told my friend about it, but not in a guilty manner. She told it just to have someone to listen and share that experience, the same way she would talk about the experience going to an amusement park, for example. Hehe. Of course my friend doesn't enjoy listening to her stories. Oi, kau masih ada laki bah!!! Tolong lah!

After a while, I asked my friend, What's in the mind of these guys who agree on becoming her Friend with Benefits ah? Don't they have a bit of conscience kah? She's married oh. Her husband is still alive and healthy oh. Of course it's a stupid question, you say. If a woman offers herself, ada buaya mau tolak bangkai ka? Masalahnya kau bukan buaya, kau manusia! Ya la whatever excuse you give about your the desire of the flesh. Ya la we are born to sin. Ya la we are no angels. But guys, don't you want to be "different"? Cos this lady did come across her former lover (before she got married) who actually refused to do it even how she tried to lure him. He said he loved his wife. Garshh, guys, you know it's possible to say No, right? Don't let that lady get in deeper mess. If she keeps meeting the wrong kind of guy, more will get dragged. More people will be wronged. I'm not trying to be a judge here but THINK lah! Try to have some principles, stay away from someone who is under the sacred vow of marriage bah!! PLEASE! 

Actually in my own experience, I did get "invitations" similar to that. There were times I made it clear that I had someone, and still it meant nothing to them. Sometimes they didn't even bother to ask. Maybe it didn't matter to them as long as I might like the idea. I remember the guy said, "You tidak rasa rugi ka you lawa2 untuk one guy saja? Enjoy2 la dulu" OMIGAWD. That means you guys have no rules kan? You guys want to just bulldoze another guy just to have your way. Senang cerita lah. Kau mau ka another guy bikin gitu sama your woman? Oh ya pula. Rules kamu lain. Biar saya buat orang, tapi awas kalau orang buat saya. Kamu tau ba kan dunia ni bulat? 

My point in this post is to state, Yes, the Friends with Benefits companionship does exist in our underrated society. I mean, what you want to do with your life and your body is totally up to you, I KNOW. If the singles-ready-to-mingle want to do it, maybe it's their way of experimenting, experiencing companionship before they are totally prepared for the real emotional attachment, but still that is already out of the conventional rules, guys. Lets not go to the religious law, we are no priests and nuns here but just think about what IS right. I know that love is just too hurtful while sex is still a need. But that game can't continue forever. I still think it's feels right to just have a bit of principle in anything that we do. Including this. ESPECIALLY THIS.

Or my point is just one. PLEASE DON'T CHEAT on your partner. I know the feeling to be cheated, it was horribly hurting. I know that we can't force love to stay. Even chemistry, attractions, happen with the person we find too late or even with the person we can't own. But that doesn't mean we must have our way cos we are not always right with our desire. I don't know cos... again, I'm not in the position to judge. I tell my friend, "We don't know what is actually going on with her marriage. Maybe we haven't done it not because we are good and righteous but because we have not yet been tempted". But logically, if it's so wrong, we sure try everything to avoid it since we are first not friendly with the idea. 

One thing I'm most afraid is when in the end you are the person who is the most hurt, the most used, the most victimized and the most played. You certainly don't want that to happen. Please think carefully before you go out of line. Life is short and it's getting shorter by year. Don't you want to start doing something right? Think about it.

Never Properly Love

Is there actually a right way to love? How should it feel like? Suddenly I realize that I don't think I ever love properly. I don't think I ever feel the kind of affection that reaches the maximum volume that should be felt by someone towards a special person. Or am I just hallucinating that it exists? Cos maybe everyone else is just like me. But no, maybe not. I don't think so. I have seen love so much greater than I could have ever given. Love that is totally unconditional. Totally forgiving and non-judgemental. Love that makes big sacrifices feel like just a small favour. Love that worth-fighting for, worth dying for. Garsh, does a human being capable of giving that kind of love? Seriously I want to know!! 

While talking to a friend just now, I realize that there's something about relationship and companionship that I like, but there's only so much that I can give. And it's not enough. I have a limit when it comes to love. The only way when I think I love too much is actually Not really so. It's just circumstances that put me in that situation where I thought I really give enough love. There's a longing to be loved deeply, to be appreciated, to be serenaded, to be pampered, and I have a way to return the favour but then when I reach my limit, I couldn't go further than that. Anything more than that starts making me feel so unsure, uneasy and unhappy. It's only when it reaches that far I come to realize that I suppose to love more than this, but I just don't. Don't I have the capability to love more than that? Again I ask, how does it feel to love that much? To love properly and completely? 

Once I reach my limit, I start to feel like I just drag my feet where they take me. I'm not totally into it, it's halfhearted, it's unwhole, and it starts to feel insincere. When it's insincere, it's becoming a burden. I'm pretty sure there are a few more levels that others have reached. Because they can reach there, they become a GENUINE LOVER. They just love to the length, width and depth of it. That's why their love is just so big. They'll fight for the one they one. They stick and they stay no matter what. They make it work at all cost. I'm SO SO AMAZED!! Lovers like you guys exist, don't you? 

Where is the justice in me? But look at me, do you know that I have a condition that I just CAN'T love properly? It's not like I don't want it. In fact, I don't even know I have this problem until I do a serious serious post mortem on my relationship behaviours from before. I know how I function but I don't totally understand why I just can't go that far. When you love someone with the same condition as mine, poor this person, right? Can you even spare some consideration towards this person. She wants and she tries. But she keeps coming to that limit. Will you ever accept this person's flaw?

So, if you love someone who is like this, you need to help her. Where she is not sufficient emotionally, you must provide and make her enough. When she falls short of your own expectation, you must lift her up and make do with whatever there is. Don't punish this human, it's not her will that she is just not that capable. Can you not play the ego game and give her space instead? Maybe this is too much of a request right. You must be super rare if you can accommodate this poor being. Who knows she'll learn from you and one day she'd be able to love properly, and completely. Who knows.