Hi my babyblog. I'm back for now. I gotta write this one down. So that when "I'm still here again" next time, I can read it and reminisce those moments.
This year is the first year that I'm totally off any medication that is related to my panic attack. I shall write this down for my future self to remember how is the first year "being independent". The Struggle Is Real. The more I read about the experiences of other people, they all have something in common but not everything is the same. I can see how each of them studying their own bodies and understand how the symptoms take a toll of them. And How they deal with it everytime. Some are much more terrible than what I have but still, during the "moment of agony" nothing bout that matters. Enduring each time is really a matter of "Will I still be here later?"
Why that question, u ask? Because it is just so terrible that all u think is "your last moment" on earth. Seriously. When your body starts to react to little pain and discomfort, as little as a small bruise or swelling that is purely physical, a world of Uncertainty just comes to your mind. Yeah your mind keeps playing all the tragedies u read of how someone suddenly Faint, and Go, and never comes back. Trust me the thought of the Uncertainties is one of the worst part of surviving the "attacks". But still, the worst part is when suddenly you don't hold the remote control to your body anymore. It just goes haywire for a bit, with your heart beating faster, with your mind gets foggy and sometimes you breathe faster, EVERYTHING, enuff for u to feel that it's really your last moments.
But wait, after all said and done, I'm still here typing this. Feeling good and all. But a few hours ago I had those agony briefly. Even how many times I had it, I'm still terrified everytime that happens. On my way home from work, I was unsure how I'm gonna be when I reach home. But what happened was, I entered the house and right away went to the kitchen and cooked, and then had my dinner. OH MAN. What happened?
Yes, let me say this. This is what usually happens. The agony does not last forever. Theoretically, the symptoms only last for 15 minutes and suddenly everything back to normal. But it could be longer for some people, and maybe shorter. The most important thing is The Distractions. The more distracted you are, the better. It could be gone before u know. But I had one terrible nite last month during my PMS, maybe the impact of sugar and other things too. Remember that any kind of anxiety has links with the guts. That day I had all the foods I like but yeah, just a bit more sugar than normal days. I usually allow that on Sunday, out of self rewarding after a long week at work. But I guess I ate variety of things out of normal and maybe it clashed with all the hormonal imbalances, I just got one of the worst symptoms in this whole year. That's how I know that when I first got it, and then recovered, it never really leaves my body. After that nite I know that it's part of how my body reacts to the external forces that I let in. The worst symptoms can still anytime unleash. The difference now is that now I am aware what is happening to me. Unlike when I first got it and with no proper consultation from the specialist.
So my dear self, here you are again. Remind me when that happens, it will LEAVE. You'll be okay, dear self. After many "attacks", I'm still here feeling healthy and good, and filled with positivity and gratefulness. Well, this is my cross to bear but sthing up there reminds me that yes this cross is heavy, but I can lift it because I'm given that strength. I have to say this again... Alleluia to the Lord above. Without him I'm nothing. And thank you cos I'm still here living my life. Amen.
