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Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend and he had Bipolar Disorder. When he told me, I was quite concerned if he could engage strange behaviours that might hurt other people. What did I know back then, right? He said Noo, it's not that kind of sickness. He had been taking medication since the age of 5, and I knew him when he was 19. IMAGINE THAT! We could not even stand taking Panadol every now and then and he popped pills since he was too young to even know about it.
So guys, unfortunately it wasn't destined to be. It must be really tough for him to deal with it. After a few years that we parted ways, I met him back on Myspace and he told me how he burnt all my photos. I felt really really sorry inside. But I could never understand how he went through every ordeals and Survived. He's also problematic in his relationships. He was good looking, he was so kind and gentle but he was not emotionally steady because his mood swings. Yeah that word Mood Swings play a big part in the patients of Bipolar Disorder. But please, that term often used to describe those in Cancer zodiac so don't tell me all the Cancerians have Bipolar Disorder! So okay, maybe there's just a bit more characteristic to be diagnosed with the disorder. Sometimes, my vulnerability made me wonder, did I too have Bipolar Disorder?
I remember back in February, I had a chit chat with my bestie and we jokingly said, I guess if we all meet a psychiatrist, we all have a kind of mental disorder. ALL OF US. Because there's always something that makes us weird to other people. And we know it but we couldn't help. Sometimes it's too much fear over something everyone is brave about, sometimes we find something normal too everyone, as offensive, or we overthink stuff that are just a tiny matter not worth a thought by most people.
Guess what, a day after I met my bestie, I got my first "attack". Please read back post that I wrote sometime in March. I managed to actually cured myself with self therapy, but it happened again after two weeks. And I was cured again. And it happened again after 1 month. And this time it was just "fighting back". My body started to react in ways I couldn't understand. Even more than I have already described in that long post. My symptoms were now more severe than before. New symptoms were appearing like muscle ache, irregular heartbeat, gastritis, and the worst part was the feeling I was about to pass out. GARSH. Everything I told you in that post, it was just minor compared to the one I had in the last 2 weeks of May. One time, my upper body just went Numb, and I had to rush to the clinic cos I thought I could just faint anytime. The thing is, it was all okay when you reached the clinic. Again and again the doctors would say, "Everything is fine with you. I can't give you medication". I said, "DOC, NOOO. I don't think I can survive the night. I'm gonna faintttttt." She said, "NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FAINT." I remember that clinic visit during first Raya, when I was really sure this time, it was a BATTLE with my own mind. How CAN I win it??? Can I even win it?
So when I meet the specialist, the doctor told me I actually studied my own symptoms very well before I decided to meet him. "You already know what you have," he said. Yeah, I got Panic Attacks. Almost all the symptoms matched mine. But Panic is in the same category with Anxiety. But those are really normal words, right? Who would have guessed that these words turn out MASSIVE enough to even turns your body system upside down. WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN when you are getting Attacks like that? The doc said, what happened to me started long ago because of my nature of wanting things to be in order, wanting things to be perfect, can't simply accept criticism and someone who likes to analyze and made me overthink. All those are wearing me out after all the years. And what happened when the healers went to my house was just a Triggering factor that blown out all the things that I thought I have kept well within my control. So what actually happened with all the uncontrollable things that my body did to myself? Yeah, as you can guess it, it's some of the chemical in the brain. They are now imbalance. All the happy, positive and rationale hormones, are all messed up now. So my brain is giving WRONG SIGNALS to my body as if I have a different disease so thats why parts of my body reacted in the certain way that I couldn't handle. Therapies can help but it will take a long road and you will have to stand getting "attacks by attacks" while you are on your recovery.
I was the positive 256 you always knew. But since I started getting the attacks, my overworked brain just went haywire. At times, I couldn't even know what I was thinking, what I was feeling, it was all mixed up, "blendered" in one batter of cluttered brain. When it was happening, I felt struggling to get hold of the moment. Not to mention when suddenly my muscles started to ache everywhere (my arms, my shoulders, my neck, my back) and I could feel gases trapped in my stomach, and if I failed to control it much longer, I could start getting shortness of breath and the feeling of fainting, all at once. It was so so so so badddd and soo so soo awful. Please believe me. That time I said, I'd pay ANY PRICE to END THIS!!!!
So I've been taking medication to balance back the chemical in my brain. Do you believe they actually have this kind of medication? And then I learnt there are so many individuals who went through this phase in their lives too. And good news is, they are healed. The doc said, Yes you can heal but you want to make sure that you are healed forever. You don't want it to come back. Going to the 3rd weeks with the medication, I start to feel changes again. I do some tests to my mind like "trying to feed my mind with some fearful nonsense" just to see how it reacts now. But it does not react the same way anymore. There's just something in my brain is now changing. IT'S BLOCKING nonsense thoughts from getting in. Now it's even clearer to me how medication could help. All these chemicals balance can be achieved the natural ways too but it takes a lot of work and remember that you are currently A Patient, so you are busy with your sickness and might delay your natural recovery.
The doc said, there's nothing wrong with my nature but it's making me sick. I should try to be calmer, learn how to slow down (even in talking cos it only shows how my mind struggles cos I like to rush things) and there are a few challenges that I have to take this year to prove that I can conquer my fears. I don't know but 2020 is already very tough with Covid-19, but what if I could make it up by accomplishing all these challenges. I really don't know yet.
I actually wanted to write about this condition of mine much earlier but I was still not in the stable state to do that. Right now, I could write about it calmly cos you know I'm starting to be in control of myself again. Are you guys excited that you will see me again as the ever crazy 256? (It's not like you notice my absence right? Cos I've always been crazy you could not tell the difference. Hahahaha)
Guys, if ever that you experience things like I did, please calm down. Many out there are like us. There are effective treatments too so don't worry. Better yet, please always be in jovial and positive environment to minimize your risk of getting this. People like me are somewhat "cursed" because some of these stuff running in our blood so we are more exposed to it. But still, don't panic, don't worry. If the fragile-since-kid 256 can do it, I'm really sure you can do it much better. I have faith in you. Most importantly, have faith in YOURSELF.
Have faith in God. If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it. AMEN!!
2 comments:
Bipolar disorder is a mental illness marked by extreme shifts in mood. Symptoms can include an extremely elevated mood called mania. They can also include episodes of depression. Bipolar disorder is also known as bipolar disease or manic depression.
People with bipolar disorder may have trouble managing everyday life tasks at school or work, or maintaining relationships.
Zaman sekarang pun banyak orang mengalami penyakit mental yang mereka sendiri tidak sedar. Biasanya kita nampak di mana-mana media sosial fb, insta, tweeter dll ada yang komen 'mental koyak' atau 'sakit mental'sedangkan yang komen seperti itu pun kategori mengalami kecelaruan emosi ������
Sebenarnya hari2 pun kita bergelut sama perjuangan mencari kestabilan emosi reacting to things happening around us. Dan biasanya kita berjaya buat tu, hari demi hari, tahun demi tahun. Tapi manusia punya bebanan mental bukan makin kurang, ditambah dengan expectation masing2 dan uncertainties yang tidak boleh dijangka. Sometimes sampai juga masa it caught us offguard...imagine kena serang dari belakang, kau tidak bersedia dan kau betul2 tidak sangka - sedangkan kalau kau dibagi masa bersedia, kau buli handle. Tapi masa bukan selalu di pihak kita. What I experience ni cuma satu teori ja yg sia buli baca somewhere and bagi opionion, tapi sia tidak akan tau apa macam rasa dia sampailah jadi sendiri sama sia. So sekarang sia faham kenapa orang cakap It Hurts bila kena benda ni. Ada yang sampai menangis2 cuba untuk terangkan feeling dia. Sia nda la sampai nangis tapi sia akan sentiasa ingat itu suffering yang sia rasa, yg terpaksa sia duduk berjam2 pasang headphone tunggu tu simptom limpas. Sandiiiii. Minta semuaaa dijauhkan dari ni.
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