I Try Not To Miss You

Actually I'm missing someone right now. If he happens to visit my blog again and read this, I want to say something to you. I feel that it's so unfair that whenever you think of me, you can visit my blog silently; in the dark and no one had to know. While I could not reach you even for a simple Hello. I realized there are many questions the last time that I didn't bother to seek for answers. I was so overtaken by my emotion that I believed the best thing was to let go because the tighter I held on to it, the more it hurt. I know you are still visiting my blog and whenever you do, you did it for hours. I know you are still looking for the post that was written for you. You see the Search box that I put at the side of my blog? Yeah, that is for you to use cos I know you will always go back in that time when we discussed some of my funniest posts. I remember we laughed so hard about the stories I put in those old posts. You sure remember them more than those newer posts where you are not anymore involved.

I indeed have forgotten you right after you left. I have really forgotten you. It never occurred to me I could revisit you like you happened only yesterday. Seriously. I didn't know some of the memories were still stored. I read them back and I remember WHY.  WHY it was you and not someone else. You were not just to fill a void. I realize that even more than the same plot could just happen again but looks like that amount of chemistry doesn't happen all the time.

Or maybe I can still choose to end this in a bitter note. Like you are just a man and what happened was still your fault. And you deserved all those aches and agony. Don't blame me cos I have endured being patient before I totally lost it. I wished I said a goodbye. But I just let myself leave. 

Still, I miss you right now.

Covid-19, A Blessing In Disguise?

Selepas melalui tempoh Movement Control Order selama 3 sesi dan 1 lagi sesi yg akan datang, ada lagikah benda2 baru yg belum terlintas di fikiran kamu? Definitely sudah puas kita cemas, mengeluh, takut, sedih dan sebagainya. Itu understandable. Dari feeling2 negative macam tu, sampai lah ke feeling2 positive mula ambil alih, sebab begitu la banyaknya masa kita mau fikir sampaikan entah seberapa kecil zarah pun mungkin sempat lalu di fikiran kita sepanjang kita berkurung di rumah ni.

Kalau sia fikir balik rutin sia sehari-hari, memang susah sia mau squeeze macam2 benda yg I could only wish I had the time to do. Like sia mau ada masa yg selesa untuk start balik gaya hidup sihat. Contohnya kenapa la sia pi taman hari2 dan hirup udara segar, tengok pemandangan, buli keluar peluh, buli learn new dance steps yang sia pernah bikin dulu but then I got really lazy and teda masa sudah. Sebab sia sampai rumah ja mesti sia penat sudah. Nahh. Dan macam2 lagi benda yg sia tangguh sebab, Sia percaya akan ada jua masa yang ngam untuk sia bikin benda tu semua. Tapi sampai bila kan? Ndakan ada season yg sesuai when sia rasa sia mau cuti dan bikin tu semua untuk satu tempoh yg singkat. Kalau sia terpaksa off pun mungkin pasal sakit ja. But cuti sebab sakit bukan fun bah. Sengsara. So BILA? Bila la kunun masa yg kau tunggu2 tu? Hahahaha

So akhirnyaaa, sepa sangka la ada makluk ni tiba2 muncul di tengah manusia dan menyerang, menyebabkan sakit dan even maut. Bukan calang2 penangan virus baru ni.  Sekali imbas macam buruk betul virus ni. Dengan muka dia berduri2 gitu, Yaiiii.. Gali la ba juga. Hahaha. Macam yang paling ngam untuk disamakan dengan si Covid-19 ni tidak lain tidak bukan adalah HUKUMAN kepada umat manusia yang sudah jauh terpesong. Kesimpulan tu yg lebih ngam dan ringkas kan? Covid-19 ni walaupun bukan wabak yang sangat merbahaya sebab kadar kematian yg tidaklah setinggi beberapa wabak lain sebelum ni, tapi keboleh-jangkitan dia adalah tinggi. So akhirnya wujud keperluan untuk WE STAY AT HOME sebab more interaction means more infection. Kamurang tinguk ba camana ni virus yg inda pun kita nampak, buat satu dunia terPAKSA duduk rumah. Jangan pi kerja, jangan pi traveling, jangan pi lepak makan, dan so on. Imagine bahh sampai kita boleh berfikir untuk keluar rumah sebab ada roadblock yg memungkinkan kita didenda or dipenjara. So, ini cuma sebahagian dari strategi si Covid ni ja. My point is, situasi ni kita nda mau, betul? So kita terpaksa ja buat semua ni.

Tapi bila check2 balik, si Covid ni macam ambil tu satu "tong" yang penuh dengan our Wishful thoughts yang kita harap kita ada tu masa untuk bikin macam2 benda dalam life kita. Tiba2 tu Covid kasi tuang tu tong pi atas kita, it says, "NAH, kau bikin ni benda semua. Sekarang kau ada masa sudah." Kamu sedar kah camana Covid ni bikin keraja dia? Kadang2 sia terfikir juga, si Covid ni macam "Kerja Tuhan" yang cukup terancang. Dia bikin satu dunia TAKE A BREAK dan bagi kita semua masa yang kita selalu complain tu. Pada masa yang sama, pencemaran alam terhenti sebab banyak kilang ditutup, aktiviti manusia pun terhenti, practically ni Mother Earth tiba2 buli bernafas selepas kesekian kalinya! Udara jadi clear, nampak gunung nun jauh di sana. Ketara abis "setan2" yg kasi kutur dia tu berkurung di rumah! LOLS. Hahahahaha, Ok kidding. Kita suma la bah tu :P

Walaupun bukan mudah untuk fikir macam ni bila fikir berapa banyak yg kehilangan nyawa. Ndakkan la hanya untuk mau bagi kesedaran tu sama kita, dorang2 ni jadi pertukaran kan? Nda, bukan gitu. Soal tu bukan kerja kita. Kebijaksaan Tuhan seja buli jawab tu. Kalau teda kes2 fatality, mungkin kita tidaklah secemas ini. Mungkin kita tidak akan terdesak. Kalau kita tidak terdesak, kita mungkin ada pilihan untuk pandang remeh. Tapi God buat supaya kita teda pilihan.

At this point, sia sudah nampak "kerja Dia" walaupun anggap la benda2 lain yg sia nda faham tu sebab sia memang teda kebolehan untuk menjangkau sampai ke sana. Guys, in fact, sia slowly nampak kenapa sia buli jatuh sakit hari tu. Sebab apa yg berlaku pada hari ni, semuanya ada connection. Kalau sia nda sakit, sia nda begitu begini. And guess what, kalau sia sentiasa sihat, sia akan LEKA dan take my health for granted. Tiba2 masa MCO ni, sebab sia ada a bit phobia sama sakit sia tu hari, sia jadi nda berapa obsess with foods. Bukan seperti normal. Sia teda selera makan yg happy-foods tu semua. Sia lebih pentingkan dalaman sia asalkan sia feel-good, dan makanan2 tu semua sia nda tamaha. And then tiba2 muncul tu iklan Virtual Run di wall sia, yang nda pernah2 ni. So sia tiba2 terfikir juga, EH!!! Buli ka sia join ni ah? Sebab I bought an equipment last year tapi sia teda pun guna. Kenapa sia beli tu benda pun sia not sure. Tapi sia terfikir untuk beli dan kasi jadi jeruk ja di pisuk2. Hahahaha. Dan akhirnya selepas semua ni berlaku, tiba2 sia mau join tu VR and leganya sia yg sudah pernah beli equipment tu. Jauh sia fikir, Imagine bahh God punya rencana, dia mula bukan kemarin. Berbulan2 yg lalu lagi sudah dia kasi ready sia. So dengan masa yg banyak, dengan selesanya sia pelan2 bikin Wishful thoughts sia yg kununnya sia mau gaya hidup sihat. Goshh!! Tapi sia kena mention juga lah, yang setakat ni, sia pun belum begitu sure juga tapi it's "frightening" yang it's becoming more and more clear.

I should tell you guys something. Less than a week ago, sia suddenly ada satu sickness baru yg suddenly my chest shivered, ada yg time malam ja, ada sehari tu almost the whole day. Mimang sandi feeling dia. Tapi sia buat ni routine Sembayang jam 3 Divine Mercy dalam keadaan sia yg begitu. Kau percaya kaa, entah macamana tiba2 sia terfikir satu spray pewangi yang pakai timer yg kena letak di luar bilik sia? Entahh dari mana datang tu fikiran yg itu pewangi auto-spray yg sebenarnya culprit kepada masalah kesihatan sia. GOSH, sia betul2 tidak terfikir langsung sebab benda tu ada di sana maybe dalam 2 bulan dan awal2 MCO tu sia ok ja. Begitulah Tuhan tanam idea dalam kepala sia yg ITU PEWANGI adalah punca. So subuh2 tu juga sia pi panjat and off tu benda. Akhirnya malam tu teda sudah pelik2 berlaku di chest sia. Alleluia!! Nda la kita tau berapa banyak chemical berbahaya di penyembur G*adez tu. Harga baru berapa tapi bisa dia buli mengancam nyawa! Without that experience, sia nda akan tau impact dia bah sama paru2 kita. Sia thank God sebab sia yang melalui tu. Bukan sepa2 dalam family sia. Ditakdirkan benda tu diletak di luar bilik sia, dan sia la yg terkena. Sia syukur betul2 sebab teruk2 pun masa tu, Tuhan sentiasa kasi sia penawar. Bikin sia sangat risau kalau la bukan sia yg kena, macamana sia mau faham apa yg dorg lalui? Again, rencana Tuhan. 

So sekarang kes macam menunjukkan pattern penurunan, dan sia buli nampak sudah lambaian ofis sia tu. Macam sayang juga la bila ingat free time yg banyak begini yg sudah sia bazirkan. Silap2 sia buli master satu skill baru bah kalau dari awal sia mula sudah belajar. Hehe. Dan yang baiknya untuk mereka2 yg berpeluang untuk kasi keluar survival strategy dorang sebab putus pendapatan. Dorang jadi kreatif, inovatif, berikhtiar dan berusaha untuk cari duit bikin COD, terima tempahan itu ini, teroka bidang baru, belajar skil baru, wahhh, sia betul2 inspired dengan dorang ni. Syabasss untuk dorang semua. Sia tidak bikin gitu sebab kerja sia masih buli bikin di rumah walaupun nda semua.

Last but not least! Masa bersama family. Kalau sia tinguk family brother sia, sejak kebelakangan tu, dua2 selalu merayau dengan urusan masing2. Masa MCO ni, dorang sentiasa ada di rumah. Sia percaya problem sama marriage dorang pun dorg sudah sort out sebab they have the time to communicate and spend more time with each other. We have time to relax, rest, berlengah-lengah, tidur lebih, dan teda lagi tu keluhan2 overwork sampai malam. Covid kasi kau lesen untuk Jangan Kerja, Berehatlah!! Hahahaha

Sia harap kamu nampak apa yang sia cuba sampaikan. Pandemik bukan satu perkara baik bah, I know. Tapi kita manusia ni pun bukannya baik sangat. Kena ada cara licik mau tangani kita nda bukannya dengan cara biasa2. Covid ni satu bala-tentera yang disuruh ba ni. Sebab kalau disuruh lembut2, teda sepa mau dengar. Jadi dengan sisa2 MCO yang masih ada ni, kita guna la tu masa dengan sebaiknya. Kamu patutnya nampak "mainan" dia di situ. Masa MCO ni kau akan rindu satu masa nanti. Dan sia percaya, bila MCO berakhir nanti kita bukan lagi individu yang berfikir dengan cara yg sama. Kita sudah kena brainwashed kaw-kaw sepanjang MCO ni dengan berita2 yg mengejutkan, ditambah lagi dengan berita2 yg palsu. Hahahaha.

So sia harap kita ringankan hati untuk lebih menghargai masa ni. Sia mau kita semua sihat, dijauhi dari jangkitan dan diberikan kesembuhan untuk setiap kesakitan. Sama2 la kita lalui ni dengan hati yg positif. Ada perkara baik yg menunggu kita di depan tu. I'M SURE. Have faith, guys.

About The Guys I Didn't Mention

If one day kamu kena tanya pasal some history of your life, particularly about the guys whom were special to you. Kamu rasa2, kamu ada problem remembering them? Kamu ingat semua or maybe adaka yg tercicir dari list? Hahahaha

So last nite when a friend asked me about the guys in my life, I only mentioned a few. In fact I forgot some name from the list. Only a few ones that I could not forget. But I must admit that among those that I have named, I did not mention a few others who left a mark in my life, who made me smile, and who worth mentioning too  but they were left out of the list because "they only dropped by". Maybe lasted for a few good months, few months but good tho they didn't last.

So to you guys, have you ever become in that list yang "tidak kena mention" sedangkan kalau kamu teropong dalam hati tu pompuan, actually kamu mungkin antara org yg paling dia ingat. Bila sia fikir2 about these guys who had talked to me, and talked about the possibility of being a match to each other tho most of them might just come out of the blue and not more serious than a fling, I said to myself yang, "buli tahan juga sia o kan" Hahahahaa. I mean, dalam pada kau tidak pernah mengaku yg kau mata keranjang, bagus kau akun seja lah. Hahahahahaha. Ok kidding. 

So it was fun actually bila mengimbau masa lampau yg tidak akan datang lagi. Luka yg ada pun sudah makin sembuh. Tapi kan guys, macam hayat kita ni belum tau berapa lama kan, sampai bila juga kita mau simpan sakit tu kan? Umur-umuran begini adalah umuran yg berpijak di alam nyata, no more teletubbies stuff for us. Apa yang sudah lepas tu tetap ada dalam buku teks sejarah hidup kita tapi apa wisdom yg kita kutip dari tu semua yg penting! Apa pun kesilapan kita, ketidaksempurnaan kita, kita cuma cuba untuk bahagia kan? Betul kan? So ndapalahh. Sia sendiri pun mungkin ada masuk dalam list yg "nda kena sebut" tu. Sia tetap rasa yang itu adalah bukti yg sia hidup dan sentiasa mencari bahagia juga. Walaupun bukan sentiasa betul caranya, tapi niat tu adalah sesimple tu ja. 

Anyway, since kita terlampau free masa2 MCO ni, maybe we have time for some memory recall and revising back some of history book. The history book of our lives :) I wish you guys health and happiness. Lets do our best to live the times in "custody" for the betterment of the whole nation. Have faith, peeps!

"The Lonely People"

During this Movement Control Order (MCO), we have to get stuck in the house. Most families are together, good for them. But there are also situations when they have to be apart because of the restriction. They can't just cross-district when they want. So for those who are stuck inside the house with their partner, at least you don't have to worry cos they are near you. But of course other issues might surface like more arguments about money, kids and other things. But at least, rest assured they both will do anything to fix their problems together. 

But now think about the singles, the divorcees, the single parents, the brokenhearteds, or those who are separated by distance, how are they gonna cope with being stuck at home with no one to talk (or argue) with? Lucky now that we have the internet. Still, not all have that someone to talk with to pass all the hours in a day.

Maybe we have experience coming across "the lonely people". When we once thought someone really loved and cared, when actually they were just Lonely. Maybe you are that lonely person who finds comfort in someone just for temporary relief. You just want to fill your time. You just want to share some laughter so that you are not lonely. And nothing more. Lets say, your lonely season is over, suddenly you are not available anymore. So, do you think this is fair to your victim of loneliness? Or maybe you want to taste your own medicine when one day you become that victim too?  

Anyway, before you do anything, please consider both sides. Not just you but also the victim of your loneliness. Lets not use loneliness as an excuse to waste someone's time and play with their feelings. They are humans too. I mean, our time is running out, right? Who wants to be lonely but please have some decency. You are responsible for it and don't drag an innocent creature just to dump them afterwards. Also, to all of you, also avoid from becoming the victim of these lonely people. When their presence is seasonal, it's not a good sign. The sincere ones will care about you without seasons. 

So everyone, alone doesn't mean lonely. Find stuff to enjoy instead of people. You might mistakenly send the wrong signal when actually you are just lonely. Don't and stop doing that. Enjoy life without hurting more hearts. Keep people's heart safe from your loneliness. And I do wish and hope all the lonely people will find what they sincerely want in their lives so they are no longer lonely for the rest of their lives, not just for a season ya? Behave everyone!

When You Find A Woman Like Her...

So I just watched Memories of the Alhambra about 2 days ago and apart from the review I made on Fb, I'd like to highlight something else. Yeah it was scripted and all, but still, you still could find something like that in real life. Something? What Something? I mean Someone.

Hyun Bin played Jin Woo in this drama. He was pretty messed up despite being a CEO of a big company. But his life was so tearing apart. First, he was being revengeful to his close friend and ended up killing him for real tho he didn't mean to because the fight happened inside a augmented reality game. Then he went thru a divorce procedure with his new wife when his ex wife was married to the friend that he mistakenly killed. Then the reality game started to drag him even further into the mess when the friend he killed in the game kept returning to kill him and he was the only one who could see him. So Jin Woo's life was all over the place. He lost control of his job as the CEO because he was busy protecting his life. People thought he went crazy. And the woman in the story, Hee Joo played by Park Shin Hye, the sister of the boy who invented the game that Jin Woo's company wanted to buy. Again, just when Hee Joo thought that Jin Woo was so kind for buying her run-down hotel for 10 billion won, she later found out that Jin Woo was tricking her because what Jin Woo wanted was not the old hotel but actually the ownership of her brother's game. Errr, are you with me? Hahahaha. Okay before this gets complicated, lets make this straight.

I mean, Jin Woo was a hopeless man in Hee Joo's eyes at that point. When Jin Woo fell from 6th floor at Hee Joo's rundown hotel, he had his leg permanently injured. I mean he was a man with a limp, and people thought he was crazy because he kept running away from something people couldn't see and telling things that didn't make sense, he basically had nothing at that point. Still, Hee Joo decided to stay back and look after him. She did not give up on him. In many occasions, Jin Woo kept finding her to be the only one who believed in him although she didn't have the reason to do that. In fact, it took a while before Hee Joo actually knew the story behind his messed up life. But unlike others, she believed in him.

Guys, let me tell you. Park Shin Hye as Hee Joo made me realize something. That sometimes, you have this one person in your life, that is always your cheerleader since the beginning. You don't necessarily think about this person but she's always there when you need her. Her character reminds me that girls do become Hee Joo to some lucky man. They just stick to that one man despite having many reasons to hate him. Women are like that. When they like you, they will find reason to forgive you and they don't easily give up on you. Just like Jin Woo, sometimes you don't feel like you can love this woman but when you see that repeatedly she forces herself to be there even when you are reluctant, garsh, How can you ignore this woman?

As a woman I am, even I myself feel so fluttered to see another woman does this to a man. So men out there, don't tell me that you don't have eyes to see. If you find this one woman, to gotta grab her and not let her go. I know some women with impressive endurance. Her man can do all kind of stupid stuff and she never leaves her side. I won't say she's right to do that. Sometimes she's just plain stupid but that's what love does to a woman.

Ah, the bigger question I ask myself was, "Can I ever be that woman to a guy?" Because watching Hee Joo how she got scolded and how Jin Woo asked her to leave him alone, she did not leave. She stayed and waited until he woke up. I said to myself, In reality, I must love that guy too damn much before I could go that far. What could a guy do to earn that much love? Ok stop there. Leave the complicated people aside.

Now, please, count yourself lucky and blessed when you find a woman like this in your life. She can be 100 times better than a woman that you love but doesn't love you as much as this one woman who can do all that things for you. Think about it.

Would You Do It Again?

Semalam habis tengok tu K drama Crash Landing on You. I did make some review di Fb about it. But I forgot to mention maybe one of the most awesome part of the drama. But I should give sikit sypnosis about the whole story.

Yoon Se-Ri ni pemilik business Se-Ri's Choice yang produce barangan berkaitan fashion and cosmetics. So latest product dorang ni sports attire yg orang guna untuk activity paragliding. Dia decided untuk bikin sendiri tu experiment. Nda sangka dia caught in tornado masa dan menyebabkan dia diterbangkan dan landing di hutan di North Korea. So di sana la dia jumpa si Captain Ri yang ketua Special Force yang sedang jaga tu kawasan. Banyak suka duka dan pengorbanan yg si Captain Ri bikin untuk si Se-Ri supaya dia dapat balik ke South Korea dengan selamat. Sebab pergeseran antara South and North Korea, dorang kena make sure yang si Se-Ri tidak kedapatan or else dorang pun akan susah. Macam2 dorg lalui, dari si Captain Ri terpaksa mengaku yg si Se Ri tu tunang dia, sampai dia kena tembak, sampai berapa kali Se Ri hampir kena bunuh, dan biarpun dia berjaya balik South Korea, ada musuh si Captain Ri yg sanggup menyelinap masuk ke South Korea hanya untuk bunuh or tangkap si Se Ri. So semua kesusahan bermula dengan paragaliding yg go wrong.

Masa si Se Ri critical di katil hospital, if you remember the scene yg dia ada mimpi. Dia mimpi yang dia go back to the time when dia masih lagi decide sama ada dia mau bikin sendiri or not itu experiement untuk dorang punya latest sports attire, but dalam mimpi tu, dia sudah tau apa kesusahan yg akan dia lalui. Guess what? She said this. Dia still akan buat benda tu biarpun 100 kali dia kena decide again. Sebab itu yg kasi jumpa dia sama si Captain Ri. Oh gosh. I just love how they emphasize that part. It makes the story so well thought and mengena di hati sia. 

Sebab sia biasa tanya sama diri sia, Kalau la sia buli ulang balik masa, sia akan pilih satu masa yg sia buli avoid satu keputusan yg silap. I always made it sound as if it was viable to me to even go back in time. Actually no, we don't have that option. We only can tell ourselves that same story of WHAT IF I had the chance to do it again? Would you do it? 

Kalau fikir pasal semua benda2 yang ended wrong in my life, sia pun rasa sia mau buat benda yg berbeza sebab bila sampai this point in my life, sia rasa bukan semua benda baik2 tu yg sia kutip. Sia masih berfikir the alternate realities IF we chose B instead of A, but kalau pun possible, one thing we have to let go is semua kebaikan yg sudah kita capai di depan mata kita sekarang ni sebab ni semua adalah result daripada semua keputusan yg sudah kita buat, biarpun ada yg tidak begitu ngam. Betul kan?

Kalau la buli pusing balik masa, mungkin kita mau jadi lebih baik. Mungkin kita bukan pun duduk di kerusi yg kita duduk sekarang. Tapi it's unfair sebab mereka2 yg ada dalam life kita sekarang, yg kita hargai dan sayangi, dorang adalah juga a result of our choices. Will we undo THEM all too?

Akhirnya kita balik kepada kenyataan yg kita cuma buli PANDANG KE DEPAN. Apa yang silap, tetap silap dan sudah dikasi limpas. Yang di depan yg akan dan belum berlaku, itulah yg buli kita corak dan ukir. Oh gosh. Anyway bersyukur lah. Semua alternate realities tu mungkin nampak indah dari sini, tapi kita belum tau Pakej yg datang sama2 dia. At least yg kita ada sekarang sudah kita deal sama semua kepahitan dan kesedihan yg datang sama2 dia. Dan semua cabaran2 tu kita berjaya tempuhi pun. The best is still Ini lah apa yg ada depan mata kita.

Anyway 2020 baru bulan 4 tapi sudah macam2 kejadian kan? Obviously kita nda tau pun rencana Tuhan. Masa2 gini baru kita sedar yg kita ni kerdil dan tidak berdaya. Anyway I hope all of you boleh melalui MCO ni dengan baik. Boleh mengeratkan lagi kekeluargaan dan persahabatan. Wish you all semua yg baik2 ja k.

Covid-19, I hope the fight against you will be over sooner than we think.