Guilt.

Do you ever have this one guilt that you just can’t let go? You have told the same stories to your friends, your colleagues, your mates, but it appears that you never really tell the person. The only person who is yet to know about it is him. The one you feel guilty at.

I won’t say that it’s all fated that he’s still around, and really available to hear anything I want to say. I made the effort, and located him, but never really said it. Only recently that I thought of seriously going to ask for his forgiveness.  I had the chance before but I did not take it. I thought that after all the damage, he has forgiven me anyway. And how we used to talk again like adults, he told me how I turned his world upside down when I left him but then what mattered was he was happy to see me again. I remember that when I appeared that time, it wasn’t for the most noble intention. I was just testing the water. When will I learn my lesson?

So after some bittersome trial that happened in my journey lately, I finally thought of him. Looks like I was never over this guilt yet. I still owe him that. I knew it somehow that I must come clean with these big guilts before I could really proceed with my life. The fact that I still have his gift, the gift that he thought was a token from his heart, I lost count how many times I asked people’s opinion if I should return it. Now, what am I waiting for?

He’s around and he’s waiting for me to say my first word. I should just say it to him just to clear it off my chest. This world is just not fair, right. Especially when you are the victim. Why doesn’t life make it easier for human beings and their helplessness. If it were so simple, I could simply pick not to hurt anyone.  So today, coincident or not, is his birthday. A perfect time for me to do a bit of recollection, and finally talk with my most sensible sense – I want to ask for forgiveness. Although I can defend myself why I do what I did, no, it’s not about that. I just thought that I could have done it better but I did not. I was too coward, too selfish and it was all about me, me me. I have come this far and it’s time for me to really mean it when I say I’m sorry.

Even in my prayer, I keep having the same thought of guilt. It’s time to really really let go of this guilt. I’m gonna ask for his forgiveness with every bit of sincerity that I have, and I know, with such a kind heart that he has, he will forgive me.  And from there, I hope to be free from this too.

God, have mercy us poor sinners. Guide us to do the right thing, to correct our mistakes and to fix our ways. In Jesus name, Amen.