The Praying and The Crying: My Rare Reflection Of Faith

I have longed to write an article that speaks my deepest mind about my religious faith, but I was afraid that this might cause uneasiness in my readers cos I understand that my knowledge in religion might be labeled as “too shallow” to know many things, hence resulting in all the questions and doubts, which I can say, come a little too late. Only now, after all the years. 

I found out that after dealing with so much logic in everything else, it started to affect the way I look at the rituals that are being performed by the church that I attended since a kid. At one point of my life, I started looking for “THE REAL THING” since humans are often shadowed by all the unnecessary things in life that drag them distanced from the things that really matter. I got a little “lost” when I looked at all the rituals that sometimes, are done merely for the sake of “routine” and all the spoken words are said simply because “I memorise them” or “it’s in the book” and do not come from the heart at all. Sometimes I wonder, if all these prayers are mattered by every words, what if I could show to people I could look like so intensely in prayer but my mind is wandering at other things that unrelated with the prayer at all? 

What is it that really matters in our religion? Is it how we can follow every disciplines that are being set by the Church, that we must go to church every week, we must go through all process of a devotee, attending Sunday school at the early age and received our First Holy Communion, and then going for another class season for the Sacrament of Chrism, and then get married at the church and then get our kids baptized and continue the process on our younger generations. So if we follow all those processes, can we be called a devout follower of our religion? Is that so? 

I got so distracted when I saw that the Church is sometimes overly decorated, and the fancy clothes that are used by the priests, and when my mind got a little lost in trying to find relativity in these superficial displays and the REAL FAITH inside the followers’ hearts. Maybe I was disturbed too from being “too reasonable” because I’ve been studying people, and I saw those who haven’t have much to show, have faith GREATER than mine. Yeah, without those same rituals and without knowing if they do undergo something that I did since kids, yet they can simply show HOW RIGHTEOUS is their way of life. 

I love my religion. It’s not a thing to be blamed. I wonder if the hands that speak using the word “religion” are really worthy of doing that, and my prejudice towards humans greed on materials can’t really exclude the conductors of the churches, cos they are humans too. And history has shown that these people, though only in minority, also involved in fraud and power abuse and internal politics that to me, is such a mockery to FAITH. Because suddenly religions become the platform of earning money, and power, and MISUSING faith in the true believers – by making them believe that if you give them money, it means you’re doing welfare in the name of GOD. I believe in the goodness of charity and welfare but I regret if people are using GOD for this. No, please do not do that. Speaking of Confession, I remember going to Confession and I was memorizing “my sins” to mention to the reverent Father. Suddenly it reminded me one of those days when I was outside the exam hall. But this time memorizing sins, Oh man. So when it was my turn, I was telling my sins, and I was using my fingers to count if I have said it all, and I was “Err…err” trying to remember what did I miss. Suddenly I felt like I was making a fool out of myself. THIS IS NO ORAL EXAMINATION. It felt so fake. Although I did not have any really serious mortal sins that I wanted to confess, but it was awkward to just say one sin or two sins as if I was “that righteous”, so I forcefully added more little stuff and mistakes just to make the confession session “longer” and less awkward. The Father then said to me, “This confession will not mean much if your repentance doesn’t come from the heart.” YES, I AGREE. How can we know for sure if the REPENTANCE comes from the heart or not? Lets say if I can say my sins so confidently, no delays, no err…err, and say all the convincing words, telling the Father that I regret my sins, CAN YOU SAY THAT IT’S FROM THE HEART? What if I confess to God that I’ve been cheating people’s money, and then I confess it, and I said the penance prayers, and “feels clean” – and the moment I come out of the church, I feel so free to “do it again” knowing that I can get clean again next confession? IS THAT SO? I remember one of the confession sessions that I went to, the Father was giving a talk before the session began. He said that you guys don’t go confess THE SAME SINS over and over again, which mean YOU NEVER CHANGE YOUR BAD WAYS. “You don’t come back and say you want to ask for forgiveness for committing adultery, and you say this sin in every confession that you go!!! If you don't plan to change, no need to go to confession!” You guys get my point??? What it is that REALLY MATTERS in our faith? Is it the rituals? Or what? To me, you can brag to people, Oh, I went to confession, but then you never plan to correct your old ways. What's the point?

Yesterday I attended the Good Friday mass, it was so touching. Suddenly I saw the church in a more original form of humbleness. No flowers, no fancy table cloths, no bling2 here and there, and even the choirs were singing with no music. I felt “more connected” to my faith. I found myself feeling so regret when I had all the doubts and suspicions on how the rituals were being performed, cos suddenly I could feel that whatever it is, THE FAITH of these people ARE REAL. I could hear the lady beside me let out soft cries when the session of the veneration of the Cross was carried out. I was almost shed tears too because I imagined how painful it was for Jesus to endure all the pain. And we all prayed in extra devotion because the mourning day made us remember even more, the event of crucifixion that was the most important for our religion. And it was actually a sad day because Jesus had to undergo embarrassment and pain until the last breath. I felt so thankful for the Good Friday mass. So so thankful. I could finally concentrate on THE REAL PURPOSE of the religion. 

Still, I need to have a conclusion so that I won’t keep and keep looking in doubt. We have fanatics in every religions in this world. We will have followers from respective religions that can speak as God, saying that if you follow their religion, you will go TO HEAVEN. Can I ask, can you become a follower of a religion, ONLY BY NAME, and still go to heaven? If you claim so, what about the criminals that are still at large, doing crimes and make the innocent people suffer, who claim they are the followers of your religion, SO THEY WILL GO TO HEAVEN TOO? Maybe you’re just lucky that you’re not the victim of theirs, so you can go preaching to people that “YEAH, ALL THE FOLLOWERS OF MY RELIGION WILL GO TO HEAVEN, AND IT’S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GO TO HEAVEN.” Suddenly I hear the criminals clapping their hands and toasting drinks. Kidding me? I have these kind of fanatics among those in the same religion too. They will preach the same thing. “If you don’t follow, you will not be saved.” I remember asking to them, “What about those kind people who are doing little kind deeds to people around them but from different religion, do you mean just because they don’t believe in what we believe, they will go to HELL too?” These people say, “OF COURSE!!!” 

We have seen people who are so good in “displaying faith” but they are not even close to being righteous in life. You can cry at the Cross, and feeling say and pray what’s necessary, and then you go back to your seat, your old mom asked you something, you shouted, WHAT???? If you can’t even speak nicely to your own mom; at the church, I could not expect that you become the “most obedient follower” when you are out there. I beg to differ, you ladies and gentleman. 

RELIGIONS are just MEDIUMS. The religions ARE NOT the God. And I believe God creates the idea of having a religion so that it’s easier for us to lead “a life as a good person” because we will have certain disciplines that our respective religions will teach us. We will do our best to follow the disciplines that are taught, ASSUMING that it will go in line with how we lead our lives. Then sadly to say, people are becoming too obsessed “to put a show”, that they use it as a mask. So that they can get away with some wrong things that they do in their daily lives. What matters is they win “the people’s eyes” cos the people won’t even know what’s inside their heart. Even if their faith is actually ZERO. Sorry to say to the Fanatics, I am a lover of peace, I am not prejudice at people by their religions. I am only prejudice to people once they start to show “how ruined” their manners are. If you have no kindness to people, you have no respect for others, you cheat people, you swindle people, you kill people, you frame people, you hurt people, you have no pity towards the other living things, you humiliate others as if you are the king and others are your slave, you don’t appreciate people’s kindness to you, you SCREWED big time. You get what I mean? 

IT’S HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE that matters. If your praying and crying for your religious faith don’t reflect the way you live, you can save me your preaching. I’m sorry if I have to sound a bit harsh, this is nothing Science. So if it’s too much for you to put a show of your devotion, it’s okay, as long as you touch people’s lives with your kindness. If you contribute to the good relationship and peace and wellbeing of people in your surrounding, people care less about what your religion is. They will speak silently, “this person will surely go to heaven.” It’s your righteous way of life that will MAKE A DIFFERENCE to yourself, to your life and everyone who knows you. If it has to be just 1 thing besides you and God, it’s your righteous way of life :) 

Have A Blessed Easter :) 

NOTE: I am still learning myself. I make mistakes everyday too. I hope I will find a clearer answer and understanding. Never Lose that Faith, cos even how foggy the road is, Faith will always let us see the way out...