Everyone wants to do the best they can. They want to be the best they can. They have talents and gifts to shine. You are not excluded. I am not excluded. With the mission of everyday’s life, we take things as what it is. We do things the way we do. We handle things the best way we know how.
I, as the person standing here today, I’m related to you in a way. Whether we are friends, siblings, cousins, ex-lovers and what not. Maybe you have a better word to describe our encounter. Part of me wants to do everything perfectly. I don’t just want to make myself happy, but also you. It’s just in us that we do want to please people because we appreciate their presence in our lives. With this kind of personality that I have, sometimes I do overdo things. Sometimes I think the unthinkable. Expect the unexpected. I know that I am just a human being with limitations but I also believe in the power that I have in order to achieve something. I am capable of achieving my dreams. That's what I always tell myself.
I know that some people suck at things they do. They fail to perform. They are all talks and no actions. They don’t walk the talk. They even betray people’s trust. Who wants to be like them? Neither you nor me. At one time, we thought we would never be there. What if one morning you realize that you are exactly walking on the track of the failure whose faults we could easily find. And guess what, you’re just one of them. Can you imagine the feeling?
Last night, I was having emotional struggle within me. People start to knock my senses that I am just another underachiever in my little missions. Suddenly I realize that I don’t even succeed as a good friend. I keep letting my friends down. They asked all the little favours and I never did comply. The saddest thing is, I did not know I have been doing the damage little by little, expecting that they would never notice it. This has been a pathetic denial from the beginning. I thought that I could change to better but I never so far did. Was it because of my incapability or maybe I have not tried enough. I don’t know if the answer matters for I have done the damage. I don’t know if I can undo it if I try hard enough. Or maybe, I should concentrate on the journey from this point and look ahead. I don’t even know if I have what it takes. Suddenly I feel like the smallest creature in the world. My abilities are limited.
I feel like I’m taking back all the words I said on people’s inefficiency. I don’t even deserve to give a piece of mind. I start to look at my own. My heart is in full state. Not even a tiny bit is taken but why I feel so heartless. People who are kind to me, what did I do to repay them. People did not ask much, but even in that, I am so deficient in passion to even do them justice. Did I ever have a heart, I wonder.
Looking back a little further backward, do my ex lovers deserve this kind of memento in my head. How sure I was that it wasn’t my fault. I know I have repeatedly admitted my fault, but I wonder if I really did mean it. If I failed my friends, maybe I failed my lovers too. I always looked at what they did and not what I did. They had been so kind and loving to me and maybe I thought I deserved the princess treatment till the very end. It was always me who needed understanding. It was always me who needed tolerance. It was always me who needed more attentions and it was always me who has situations for people to suit themselves in. After everything, I was always the one who give punishment when something bad happened. The blames were always not mine.
When it all started to come back to me, suddenly I saw myself as the Defendant. All accusations are on me. All fingers are pointing at my directions. Suddenly the faces of all the people who I have given my word to and fail to keep, appear. I feel so heavy cos those faces mean something to me. They have brought joy to my heart at least once. They have hopes for me. They have once poured affection and even sacrificed for me. What did I ever do to repay. I’m seriously curious.
Now again, here I am standing here today. Realizing HOW WEAK of a human being I am. I am not the best friend that you can find, now I realize how lucky I am to even have your friendship. I hate to say the word Sorry. It’s nothing compared to what I feel. To all the guys that I thought didn’t deserve a thought from me, I’m taking this change to twist things around and see that I was the one to blame. If I’d ever give enough, you might not do what you did. It wasn’t me alone that has situations for people to obey. People have theirs too. And I am not a princess to always give orders and take no excuses. I am just one heck of an imperfect human being. I have hurt your hearts. I have broken some promises. I have disobeyed you. I could even deserve stoning for my selfishness. I don’t know if I could turn this around to deserve you the same way again.
I take this chance to ask for forgiveness to all the hearts that I have hurt. You have no idea that I KNOW how much you guys have been through but I could have done better if I did something to make it worthwhile. To every warm thoughts and whispers that have my name on it, if I can share a bit of my blessing as a sign of thank you, I hope God would allow that. I almost shed a tear thinking back that some people did put serious hopes on me and I failed them. Especially when they have done their part and waited for me to do mine. I don’t even know if it’s sufficient to just present my imperfection to reason my incompetency. A little voice inside me said I was just giving excuses for not trying. All the years being alive, you people use your heart to show me my errors. From the bottom of my heart, I’m grateful that this moment happens in this lifetime. I could not leave this lifetime not knowing how much I did and did not do as a result of my imperfections.
What is left for you guys to know is I WANT TO CHANGE. I don’t care to be imperfect as long as I can be a good friend, a good lover, a daughter and even a good stranger to you. There is room for improvement and I am willing to buckle up because having another emotional war being a failure is so torturing. I can’t stand another one like this.
I do have one last request.
Please do not expect me to be perfect cos perfection doesn’t exist. Please accept me as a human being who is trying to make things better.
AMEN.
NOTE: No wonder why I feel so glad to be alive. The sight of you guys in my overview of life, makes the wondrous impression that is good to linger even just in the mind and you guys offer me more than that.
THANKS.
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