The Good Old Things

Hey peeps. I’m trying to find an excuse to write something here in my blog today. You guys realize that I don’t blog everyday like usual, as of late. But I think you guys understand that sometimes I’m bothered by my unfinished works and sometimes I didn’t have the time to go online. So if you guys think that my attention is now distorted from this little humble blog of mine, you’re totally wrong.

Okay, just borak2 kosong la this time okay? Hehehehe. Well, immunity should go down as we grow older right? But it’s a bit different with me. When I was younger, I couldn’t beat any fever or cold. I couldn’t. Once I have the sign of getting a fever, I would definitely have to run the full cycle to recovery. The runny nose, the hours or a day of lying down on the bed, feeling so weak and my body would be engulfed with heat that slowed down the whole system. My eyes would be teary and red. Yeah, that was the old days. I couldn’t believe it myself that I actually stopped a fever before it even happened again. It happened a few times this year. When I got the sign, I just knew that my body is stronger to beat it. So what I did next? I actually went and enjoy a few glasses of ice drinks to tell my fever that “I’m not scared of you” anymore. Hahahahaahahahahahaha!

A few days ago, I got the sign of getting a fever. So, now that it was only the 4th day since the sign, I’m still totally energetic. Just that, at nite, the fever is coming up a little bit telling me that “Hellooo 256? My name is “the fever” and I’m in your body, ok? It’s not like I’m not here at all, okay??” (*Lols). Yeah, I still have to turn off the fan and let my body sweat a bit just to “tame the fever” and let it know that “Yeahh right…Like I don’t know you’re still there.” Hahahahahahaha. But…isn’t it great? I manage to get the fever inside the drawer as long as I need my energy to work. And when it’s time to rest, then only I realize that I actually have the fever. Hehehehehe.

Since that you get to see my old hair (actually this hair was not far behind me, just a few months back), then it reminds me of the hairstylist that got to colour my hair twice, and cut it once. While I was sitting in his saloon, he told me a lot of stories just so I didn’t get bored. He told me about Who He Was before. He told me he used to be “The bad young kid” who did a crime of stealing expensive stuff from the electric shop he worked with. I was shocked to hear it. He told me that he sold all the stuff at cheaper price and earned a LOT of money from it. From there, if he went shopping with a few hundreds, he considered that “moneyless”. So listening to his story…Who would have guessed, a guy who talked so softly, considered good-mannered and very funny – was Once a thief. He said the young mind thinks differently. Luckily he didn’t go to jail once the boss found out. He got fired and that’s all. He also told me how his beautiful ex-girlfriend actually left her for an internet guy, after him spending thousands on her, and after accepting her despite her bad background with guys before him. He also told me about how he was hired to be the emcee of a wedding at a renowned hotel, but he was only paid RM50 when even the new shirt that he wore cost him RM 80, and the worst thing was, he didn’t even get to gulp a drop of water, not to mention any foods. I listened every word he said. This man went through a lot, I thought. Now, there he was. Brushing colours on my hair. The past doesn’t spell your present, agree? I have friends who told me that they once took drug or they punched their friend half dead – or anything that you could not imagine people like them doing --- but in the present time, they are a somebody some people look up to. Luckily, I don’t have a good story to exchange with them. I never tried all the stuff that could make the headlines. But here we are, talking to each other, as if we both had never been friends to the bad stuff. He and I make no difference, regardless our past. What matters is, we are here, standing on the same ground, exchanging smiles and gestures, talking the same language. They are right. The past can’t hurt them that much. Tomorrow is another day and these people have proven to me exactly that. You can let your past from NOT interfering your future. Let them be good enough to be written in your autobiography first few chapters and nothing more. Again and again I told myself that, how come life is just really a puzzle after another.

I hope the puzzle that I’m going to solve next will be revolutionary.

The only bad news is – your can’t rely on your good past for your present victory. Fair enough, right? :)

In Your Wildest Imagination…

Our imagination is limitless. We can imagine doing anything or be anyone without harming our reality. We can become the richest person, the strongest superhuman, the most beautiful and seductive female or the most wanted criminal on this earth. With this ability that our mind has, we can do and be the unthinkables. The bad thing is, sometimes we are not in the position to make the good imagination becoming a reality, and the good thing is, we can imagine anything bad and dangerous and still be totally untouched by them. Imaginations only happen in the mind and for those who has the good imagining skill, imagination feels like almost real!

Some things are only meant to be imaginations and nothing more. It’s just entertaining “possibilities” that involves our desires, experience the thrill of the alternate lives and just to have a touch of “something else” beside our reality. To me, the ability to imagine is one very amazing gift. With it, we can explore this life without having to move our feet.

I am “quite” an imaginative person. What this makes me? When I read a storybook, it’s like watching a movie in my head. A good author can make me “produce” a totally extravagant big-budget movie in my head. So no wonder I feel every single emotion that the characters are feeling. This is how I decide if an author is good or not. One of the authors that can make me run wild on my imagination is Judith McNaught. I read quite many of her romance novels and believe it or not, I found myself crying and laughing so lively as if I were watching a very good movie. Other than thanking good authors like her, I think I should thank myself because I don’t think everyone have that imaginative skill that can make you create another world of wonderland in your mind. It’s great.

Ok, now on to a more thrilled section. WHAT IF…you can BE, or DO all you want in your wildest imagination? I mean, Now you don’t only have to imagine, but you can actually DO and BE what you always imagine about? And the best part is, you can LIVE YOUR WILDEST imagination and this won’t disturb your body or your reality at all. Remember when I wrote about “What if this universe doesn’t have rules?” Yeah, imagine all the things you want to do if this life doesn’t have rules. So now, you continue from there, and what if someone tells you that GO AHEAD and do it. No harm will happen to you. You body and real life won’t be affected at all! And you still get to experience that wildest imagination of yours! Those who watched the movie SURROGATES will understand what I’m talking about. SURROGATES are robots that are operated by normal people like you and I, doing what they want to do, be what they want to be, with them operating the robot from home. They control everything with their mind. It’s in fact, yourself inside the robot, but not using your body. Your body is lying at home, as your robot is doing everything according to what you desire. If you get shot or hit, you are still perfectly intact and unharmed! It’s just the robot and your wildest imagination at work. Okay, I haven’t seen the movie. I only watched The Making Of…but still I don’t plan to watch it. But I lurvee the idea that it brings. According to them, this is gonna take over this world in 10 years. This earth will be filled with Surrogates and not real humans. Ouch! I mean, not that far!!

This world is going to be A BIG MESS of imagination games if that happens. But if that is available as a limited option, I think it can be fun. We all know that we only have One Body and One Life. You can’t be a noble person and a bad person at once. Chances are, you can only imagine to be so. Imagine how many times we have to stop ourselves from doing what we want because we don’t want to ruin our good names and reputation. Sometimes you envy those who don’t care about all those. We envy those who don’t have so much to put in lines. I mean, they are so much in touch of life compared to you. You’ve been holding your breath forever!! Imagine you were this respected young leader in you community, you can’t just let yourself mix with the street guys and do their thing right? I mean, you might think it could be fun if you can join them and feel the way they are having fun, but your reality won’t allow you because your can’t risk everything just for the sake of “trying to take a break” from your uptight reality. In this case, the Surrogate technology can certainly help. It’s giving you the freedom that you never imagine having. So it’s almost like exactly living your imagination and still be who you are in reality. It’s totally another great power that gives merit to the human being entertaining their human desires – experiencing the alternate life that they choose to have without losing their reality.

Would I opt for a surrogate to run my life? No, BUT I want more than that, actually. Hehehehe. I want to live my daily life and at the same time, my surrogate is doing its own thing somewhere out there, totally using my own mind. Just that, my surrogate will do all the RISKY things that I won’t do. I want my surrogate to carry out duties that I won’t do because of my constraints on safety and others. But, I might want my surrogate to be A MAN. *giggles. Why? Because while it’s doing its job for me, it doesn’t to deal with people trying to take advantage of it just because it’s a female. And I want that my surrogate guy to get straight to business, get what it wants and doesn’t have to entertain double standards of “oh you’re a female, I don’t think you’re fit enough”. And if I can have another surrogate, I also want it to be female. Heheheheehehehe. What this female surrogate will do is to DO ALL THE FEMALE THINGS that I might want to try but I don’t have the heart to do it because it’s not my routines. I certainly want my female surrogate to be one hot lady, wears the sexiest things I would never wear in public. *Lols. I would also try having some nitelife with my friends, to go anywhere I feel like going, and meet all kinds of people, because I plan to make this surrogate as the unashamed version of me. I would just go on the stage and singing and dancing like some superstar, and would offer herself to do any kind of presentation without getting cold feet or overtaken by nervous, and she would go and approach anyone to get what I want – yeah… I’m going to totally use my surrogates to carry out my limitations. *giggles. But maybe I’m asking too much right? Hehehehe. Because I want me and my surrogates to operate at the same time, just at different place. Yeahh 256, STOP IT cos you’re asking too much!!! Hahahaahahahahahahahaha.

Imaginations are something really fun. But put it anywhere below reality, ok? Hehehehe. Keep the imagination juices flowing everyone! *Lols. Muahsss

“I Don’t Know What To Answer You”

You asked me,

How can I tell a person that I don’t love him anymore?

I went silent.

And then you asked me more,

How can I let someone know the truth without hurting him?

I went silent again.

How to make someone understand that though I think we are not good as lovers, I don’t want to lose his friendship?

Again, I spoke nothing.

How to let him know that I know I am guilty of this change of feelings, but I am totally helpless because now I’m in love with another person?

You guessed it. Nothing but silence.

There are thousands of questions in this world that need answers. If you ask how the Earth is formed, one man said that God made this world in 6 days, and the other one said that it all started with a massive explosion called The Big Bang. At least, they have an answer. At least, it’s going somewhere. But that’s different. Science is everything that you can prove and explain. But feelings are different. Our intangible human relations, how we feel towards each other, and how one day it’s here and one day it’s gone, and how you much guilty you feel but still you are helpless and just accept the consequences – No one can answer all that.

In real situation, if people ask me questions like that, I won’t be that quiet. It’s whether I talk or write long lines before you can even think of the next line. I’m just like that. I don’t want to make you wait. But if I really have to admit my capacity, I know that it’s best for me to just keep quiet. Cos actually I Don’t Know What To Answer You. I thought it was polite to say something to make you feel that you have a company. But the truth is that, Nobody can tell you what to do, what to feel and how to react. Nobody. That’s what I mean. I can speak to you the whole nite about how to not hurt a heart, but it’s pointless. Cos even if my answer is relevant, I WILL understand if you don’t get it.

You need TIME to get you there. You need that touch of reality with your own hands. You need to experience series of serious thinking, recollecting, reevaluating and many times of breaking your own heart, slapping your own face with wrong decisions – then you’ll be there. You will finally know how to answer your own questions.

Before this, I thought that it was crucial to hide from people the man that I was dating. I thought that I shouldn’t be open about it. I thought that people would misunderstand and create stories that are not true. I was afraid what my parents might think or make premature judgment about the guy. I was too stressed out because of all these. But then, if I turned to someone for help, I knew nobody could help me because it was my own feelings and self that were involved. I was not big enough to understand and see the way out. That’s in fact what happened to most of us. We need these unanswered questions – for us to discover them ourselves. I can assure you that the things I didn’t understand for many years, I finally understand now. Why? TIME makes the difference. So if you ask me, if I tell you something like this, now you understand. Cos I’ve been there.

These questions are here to make you a better decision maker. Without it, how can you live the rest of your life? So don’t worry if you have many questions to ask and still unanswered. You will eventually know how to answer them yourself. Just let time educate you how to do it :) So if I tell you, “I don’t know what to answer you”, that means I think it’s best that you discover the answers yourself.

So You Call That A ToyBoy?

Toyboy – means a younger guy who is going out with older woman. So apa macam? Any diskriminasi terlibat?

Benda ni bukan perkara baru dalam dunia hari ini. If you guys masih pikir yg Toyboy ni something yang “eeeuurrghhh”, maybe you guys haven’t seen the world yet. Sorry to say. But I hope this post will change your view on this.

Ada byk sebab WHY scenario ToyBoy ni wujud. But dipendekkan cerita, AGE is really just a number. I find out that people who are still talking endlessly about Age, is still far behind the time. Ada lelaki yang memang sukakan perempuan matang dari dorang. Ini perkara yang normal. You know why? Sebab kematangan adalah tarikan utama kepada sesiapa saja yang lebih tua dari kita. Since many years ago, I have quite a few guy friends who are so fond of older women. Tidak kisah lah perempuan tu tua satu tahun atau dua tahun, asalkan lebih tua. Dorang sudah set di kepala dorang yg dorang mau cari yang lebih tua! Masa tu sia fikir benda tu tidak normal. But ini cuma setakat perbezaan usia ja ba guys…buat apa la mau kecoh2? Kenapa la ba kalau dia lahir dulu ka, dia lahir kemudian kah, sama juga semuanya menuju ke “dunia sebelah” dengan timing yg tidak menentu. So cut the crap la. Hal2 umur dan usia ni betul2 tidak berbaloi untuk kita habiskan masa untuk berdebat. Small matter only ba tu!!

Older women ni usually ada stability, more developed in many things, and dorang ni jauh lagi matang dan tidak perlu di-babysit macam girlfriend2 yang lebih muda. So banyak lelaki yg sudah nampak “kelebihan” perempuan yg lebih matang dari dorang. Selain tu, older women also biasanya lebih bebas dan tau buat keputusan. Ini actually save the guys from a lot of hal2 remeh temeh. So, why you guys masih heran why some guys go for older women? Plus, they have a bit more experience. You can learn from them and you certainly can be as good as them sooner or later! Memang sesuai untuk lelaki2 yang mau maju dalam hidup dorang. So? Masih hairan lagi?

Untuk perempuan yg mencari pasangan di kalangan lelaki lagi muda…Whoaa… unthinkable meh? Younger men are energetic, adventurous – usually thrilling to be with and for the older women who appreciate this hype in younger guys – Of course la younger guys are very attractive! Yang lelaki lebih tua ni jadi satu “cliche” yang jadikan mereka “satu sasaran yang dijangka” so the ladies yang mau thrill sikit, mesti pok lelaki2 muda yang cukup matang dan menarik. So? Tidak jelas lagi?


My point is…scenario TOYBOY ni sesuatu yang sudah dijangka dalam peredaran zaman yg membawa seribu satu macam arus perubahan yang before this, adalah tidak diduga. Menjadikan scenario Toyboy ni macam –No Hal langsung! So I suggest that nobody should feel torn apart by this subject. If you are a guy dating an older woman, GO FOR IT! Same with the ladies, if you are dating a younger guy, so what?? Go complain if he’s not loyal, if he’s not honest, if he’s not romantic, but never about he’s being YOUNGER!! Gimme a break will ya?

Sia cakap ni semua sebab I was approached by quite a few Younger guys – despite knowing that 256 is slightly older than them, but they didn’t care? They might complain that 256 is way too talkative, 256 is way too fussy, 256 laughs too much, but they never complain about me being older because it’s really nothing bah! If people can find comfort talking to me, or they find me presentable – I think if their eyes think it’s good enough, I don’t think they will back out when they find out that I’m slightly older. Sebab orang sekarang sudah semakin “masak” dengan karenah manusia. Kau cari macam2 kriteria ikut senarai yg kau buat, but untuk cari yang kena semua, memang payah. Kau mau cari yg sayang kau, kau mau cari yg kiut, kau mau cari yg rajin dan macam2 lagi. Tiba2 kau jumpa semua tu, but dia lebih tua dari kau…so kau akan lepaskan dia? Kalau zaman dulu2 mungkin kau patah balik. Tapi pengalaman sudah mengajar kita yang mau jumpa semua kriteria kegemaran kita tu Bukan calang2 susahnya. Tiba2 kau jumpa orang tu, adakah kau akan lepaskan dia hanya kerana dia lagi tua?

Hanya kerana perempuan akan lebih cepat tua? Ini tidak berapa boleh pakai sebab sia tengok perempuan2 berumur zaman sekarang ni, semakin tua semakin lawa! Nda kisah la dorang buat plastik surgery ka, suntik kolagen ka – but what do you guys expect? Rupa paras is only COSMETIC ba (Cosmetic – Yang dinampak diluar sahaja). Kalau setakat mau dinampak berjalan sama perempuan lawa, u don’t need a younger girl for that. Sebab sometimes older women makes you feel more like a man and more confident! Seriously!

So kalau masih ada orang yang cintanya dihalang kerana faktor usia, I pity u guys. U sibuk2 mau cakap, Alaa…mana buli kau kawin tu lelaki muda…nanti dia cari lain tu. Haiyaaa…jangan mau jadi itu clairvoyant or tukang tilik ba. U ada masuk itu institusi tukang tilik ka geng? Kalau tiada, then jan susah2 buat ramalan. Sebab masa kau sibuk meramal, orang lain sudah sampai di bulan. Kau masih sibuk2 mau ramal kehancuran hubungan orang. Kalau sudah dasar buaya darat tumpul taring, kalau dia tua 10 tahun dari kau pun sama jua dia cari lain bah! So grow up sikit.

So if kamu sedang berada dalam hubungan ini, kenapa perlu risau? Hati kamu yg rasa keindahan itu. Hati kamu sudah suka dengan dia. Nobody KNOWS better than you guys! Dan setakat satu dua mulut mau cakap2 or mau ketawa2 – doiiiii… kecilnya perkara tu kalau dibandingkan dengan airmata darah dan kesakitan yang akan kamu alami sekiranya kamu pilih pasangan yg salah gara2 mau tutup mulut orang. Kamurang sedar ka? You guys see that?

Okay…suara hati kamu cakap… “Senang2 ja si 256 ni o cakap2 mcm tu. Cuba kalau dia rasa sendiri. Dia sanggup ka dengar mulut orang bila boyfriend dia lagi muda or dia tidak worry ka kalau dia tidak kena terima oleh ibu bapa lelaki tu?” Well…okay, biar sia jawab. Yes, ada satu kes, my bestfriend pernah dating sama lelaki 1 tahun lagi muda dari dia. Then ibu bapa lelaki tu tidak suka and dorang concerned pasal “anak”. Sampaikan ibu bapa tu cakap, pegi test kesuburan dulu baru la kawin. Masa tu, kawan sia kecil hati then break dengan lelaki tu. Actually, kalau sudah jumpa orang2 mcm ni, it’s not about the age ba tu. Kalau pun tu umur perempuan baru lepas SPM pun, kalau teda rezeki or tidak subur, sama juga teda anak. Biar la kawin sampai 10 tahun, sama juga ceritanya. Jadi kalau mau hancurkan satu ikatan kasih sayang pasal benda2 yang bukan di tangan kita, satu kebodohan yang tidak terdescribe oleh kepala otak sia. In simple words, sia cakap la benda ni betul2 ketinggalan zaman dan tiada kemajuan!!



Kau yg hidup dengan orang tu nanti. Buruk baik dia kau yang tanggung. Kenapa dalam hal mau decide dengan sepa kau akan hidup bersama; kau bawa satu kampung untuk tulung kau buat keputusan? Jadi if you ask me, if I would go out with a ToyBoy`, I would say, WHY NOT? Tapi criteria sia kena dipatuhi. Kalau tidak matang dan sangat kebudak-budakan, mulut laser dan teda adab, macamana sia mau keluar dengan org mcm ni? Dan mind you, biar la lelaki tu 10 tahun lagi tua dari sia pun, belum tentu ada criteria tu semua. So? Why kamu masih heran when people keep saying that Age is just a number? Cos memang betul pun!!

So kalau mau worry, worrylah atas perkara2 lain yg lebih penting daripada faktor umur ni. Belum tentu lagi yg lebih muda tu yg lebih kemudian jumpa kubur ba. Lucu betul la orang mau kasi besar2 hal macam ni. So...my point is simple ja...Don't let the age barrier stop you from pursuing the person that you think matches you the best. Age is really just a number :)

"Family Comes First"

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People often speak about the importance of FAMILY. People speak of it way too often that you start to get tired and sick of it. It’s almost overrated, you thought. FAMILY consists of your mom, dad and siblings. But not all families are in the right category to be “praised” or lifted to that height that it’s almost an invincible institution. In fact, there are terms dedicated to describe that breakdown of this institution that people can even come up with terms like “Broken family. So Family doesn’t always bring the “good thing” to someone’s mind. Some families DON’T work.

I am not here to preach about why or how a family can meet the criteria of a wrecked family, cos you see, you don’t perform a ceremony to announce people that, “Hey, this group of people and myself are officially a family!” Nope. Familyship isn’t like wedding. When two people got married and have children, they are FAMILY from day one. So, when you don’t actually have a legal formality to follow just to “be a family”- then do you agree with me that this is a bond that is UNBREAKABLE?

Straight to the point. I want to tell you guys something. Actually, Family Comes First – isn’t overrated at all. It’s actually the purest thing that holds the most naked truth about us being alive. Keep reading. I have a point here.

We saw how some people are putting their families above all else. You thought these people are overreacting. You thought that people should sometimes put their ambition first, or their romantic love, or their hobbies first. Anything but FAMILY. Why is that? Because they thought that chances for other things don’t come always. And why should you give too much priority to your family when they will ALWAYS AND STILL BE THERE after you are done pursuing other matters in your life? Yes, that thought is predictable. I once had that kind of thought too. But here I am, mending my ways and I want to spread this news to all of you.

Sometimes we got too obsessed with our lovers or certain friends that keep us excited – to the extent that we forget our family for a while. Maybe because you thought they will ALWAYS BE THERE. Imagine when you were alone and very lonely, hoping that at least one special person would ring or SMS you and make you smile again. You waited and waited like forever, to no avail. You felt so devastated. You felt like nobody wanted or loved you. Nobody is thinking about you. They might be very busy enjoying their own lives. You waited for the whole day and your phone never rings. Finally, your phone rang. You looked at the screen, it’s either your DAD or MOM. That little magic would tell you that when you get so obsessed with your relation with other people, they don’t actually care or think about you that much. In fact, they don’t even think you’re worthy of a single SMS or call – And when this thing happens again and again- it’s always your Mom and Dad who keep appearing on the phone screen. That time, you would realize that thought you are so fond of abandoning them from your priority, they never abandon you. My point is – FAMILY IS THE BEST COMPANION YOU HAVE in this life.

This is my most important point in this post. Please read. The most loss that you can ever be responsible for is when you choose NOT to be with your family, thinking that they will always be there for you. You are too busy pursuing your career, and when you are done and ready to go back to your root, you realize that your full happy family isn’t full anymore. You might have lost the BEST figures in your family along the way. Then you look at their pictures, you realize that “How come I have not spent so much time with them when they are still here?”

You guys know that since I was in secondary school, I lived away from home. I know what I’m talking about. I wasn’t a family person – even my friends thought so. I enjoyed being away from home actually. I thought I got my freedom. I was right. But I shouldn’t be too obsessed about it. It brought me only nothing much. But until last Christmas, finally I got to spend the Christmas nite eating together with my family. That time I realize that NO WONDER I never felt happy during my Christmas. I never realized that spending time together, eating and laughing, watching each other’s face – is actually the moments that make your heart smiling. That moment, I felt so silly to never spend all the Christmas experiencing that moment. It’s only with them that I get to experience the FULLNESS like never before. There’s nothing like family bond.

My readers… If you have a choice to be near your family, DO IT. Don’t opt to stay away from family just because you think you want to prove something or be a hero. NO. Unless it’s an obligation, then maybe you have to go with a heavy heart. This world is just temporary. Don’t miss your chance to “look” at your family, WHO ARE the people in it and HOW they look like. These people LOVE you regardless your looks, wealth and manners. And THEY DON’T LAST FOREVER. They are also like you. Their lives are only temporary. YOU MUST…YOU MUST…experience this FAMILY that God gave you.

It’s one of the greatest pleasures we can give ourselves. Trust me.

You Can Lose A Friend and get a replacement anytime. But You can never substitute your family for anyone ever. Family Should Come First.

NOTE: That’s why when I heard someone is always finding the excuse to work miles away from home, or pursue studies overseas when they can do it here – I always PITY them. Cos your family susah senang, sakit sihat, u langsung tidak tau. U tidak nampak bila dorang melompat kegirangan bila dapat satu kejayaan, or you tidak dapat ketawa dengar joke dorang yg paling funny. Teda orang pernah bagitau sia ni semua. But now sia bagitau u guys so you now know. Diorang ni la HARTA kita yg tidak boleh ditukar ganti.

Sleep-Smiling?

Yeah, we heard much of Sleep-Walking, what about Sleep-Smiling? Hahahahaahahahahaha. 2 nites ago,I was doing my work in the living room. And I wanted to stay up until morning, but my body was too tired. So I just settled on the couch thinking that I would continue my work right away if I woke up in the middle of the nite. But I didn’t, I just slept like a baby. Like I needed it in a million years. Heheheehehehe. I only woke up in the morning and continued my work a little bit before I went to my workplace. So…

Last nite, my sister told me. “How come you are smiling while you are sleeping?” Then I threw that curious look, “Ahh?? Smiling?” My sister said, “Yeah, heran sia tinguk kau tidur tapi senyum.” What do you guys think? Most would guess that I must have burst out laughing. I didn’t. It was creepy!!!!! Hahahahaahahahahaahahahahahahaha

I mean, knowing that I have a lot of burden in my head now, my heart is sometimes so heavy thinking about many things, I would NOT even dare to SMILE like that when I am fully awake!!! Let alone when I’m sleeping, for Pete’s sake!!! Hahahahaahahahahahahahaahahaha.

Since that my sister seemed like waiting for a funny answer, I just cut it short. “Senyum? Gila kaa mau senyum. Bangun2 pun susah mau senyum ni sekarang. Imaginasi kau ja tuu…” *saying it with a very very serious look. (Hahahaahahahahahaahahahahahahahaha).

Oh well, maybe I should ask her to take a snap of me sleep-smiling. *Grinzzzz…

*Lols!!!

That Strength...Do You Have It?

Today is a very tiring day for me. People get to rest on Sunday, but it’s different with me. Sometimes Sunday is the most stressful day because I have to finish things before Monday. Other than the piling work and a due date, my hormones are starting to mess up with my system. I got moody so easily. My body was weak and worn out. I almost didn’t have the energy to smile. I could just snap and unleash that monster in me. *Lols.

When I reached home, it wasn’t the end of my work. I brought home many works to be done and with that kind of physicality that I was in, I was skeptical to finish any of my work. My body just wanted to rest. I was so very tired. So so very tired. While I was preparing my dinner at the kitchen, my mind was rushing, scheming through things, trying to get my senses back. I couldn’t entertain my tiredness. If I decided to take a nap, I might say Bye bye to all the works that I brought home. I MUST make a decision so that I won’t be the last one to cry when I couldn’t comply the deadline. Then suddenly… I said this to myself. “I must fight this tiredness. This isn’t nothing. I have much more strength than this. I must finish my works!!” Then out of nowhere, I noticed that my body wasn’t that tired anymore. I felt like I was blessed with extra energy that made me forgot that I almost cried because I couldn’t stand this stress of being tired and having to finish some works. It was so unbearable. I told you I almost cried.

Then I made myself a big cup of Nescafe ice, telling myself that – I believe this coffee will give me the energy to stay up. Actually, I was right!! My tiredness was gone and I was all fired up to finish my work. And I finished quite a good deal of works before I go and write this post. I imagined how tired I was before that. I have just gone against the expression of my body and extended my capacity to the level that I wasn’t sure exists. Wow!! So this is how it works, right? Trust me, if I just listen to the raw request that my body wanted, I should be in bed, unbathed, napping all the way until morning. But because I have this desperation to fight that, I actually just did. Maybe the Nescafe helped me to gain my focus. But I think the real deal is – My determination to finish my works. So from now, I should know how it works. Even my pms hormones might not be strong enough to beat my determination.

I don’t know why I realise once again what they mean when they say We Are Powerful, because we are. If we want something, we sure can get it. The rest is up to you. You want it or not. If you can’t get something, that means, you DON’T want it that much.

Strength <--- I hope I have so much of this. What would a weak person like me do without it. :)

"Can Be Just Be Friends??!"

Last nite, I was having quite a weird conversation with a guyfriend. We were exchanging SMS in the middle of the stormy nite and the weather didn’t seem to affect him at all. While I was concerned about my work, and the strong wind that kept disturbing my attention, he was SMS-ing passionately. Want to know the story?

This guy was missing from my life for quite some times. The first time that we became friends, believe it or not, he actually “gave up” on me. He said I was too smart for a guy like him. So he practically eliminated me from his life – in a nice way. I didn’t understand why someone would throw away a friendship just because they could not be more than friends. My concept is very different. As for him, he only wants a “sure thing”. If the lady can be someone special in his life, then only he thinks it’s worth it. Other than that, even a friendship is not good enough. Actually it offended me in a way.

So after a while, he came back into the picture. And the last thing I expected to hear from him is him giving this another shot. He told me, “I think we should try it out.” I didn’t get it. He said, he wanted to be “more than friends” with me. “Let’s give it a try,” he said. Damn. You guys are very cunning. You can’t just come to your female friends and ask for something like that. It’s ridiculous.

A lot of things had happened since the last time we talked. But this man doesn’t care. He only cares if I give him a Yes or No to what he wants. And the worse part is that, he wanted my answer right away. He said he couldn’t wait. He said he doesn’t want to queue. I tried to tell him politely that I don’t want to lose my friend this way. I prefer that I have a lot of friends and nobody gets hurt. “All I want is your “Yes”. If you say No, I will be silent cos that’s embarrassing to ask you again and again.” Then I went…Emmmmmmmmmm… for a very very long time. I don’t know what these guys want. What’s with being “A Girlfriend” anyway? Why some guys make it sound like it’s a must to have one. I know, this is a silly question. But I hope the guys know what they need the girlfriend for. Is this an emotional need, a physical need or just something to show off? Suddenly I’m curious all over again.

After telling him politely that “I couldn’t”, he said, “A friend is not good enough for me. I want more from you.” Man, you guys are doing it again. You can’t simply demand anything that needs commitment from other people, can you? It’s unfair. I’m trying to keep my friends here, okay? Why can’t we all be just friends? Why do you guys have to dump me if we can’t me more than friends? Who is crueler here? Is it me? Or You? But I can’t make everybody happy. I’ll end up be the one who is crushed trying to keep my friends happy. There’s nothing wrong with friendship ba!!

“The last time I recall, you said I was too smart for a guy like you. And what happens now? Why all this sudden change? I thought you knew what you want?” I was trying to loosen up by making funny statement. He said, “I realize that Smart is Hot!”. Whatever it is, you guys can’t just wake up from your wildest dream and pop out a question like that. I think that something like this can ruin friendships. I’m under no obligation to comply to your needs. I’m just a freaking friend, remember?

“Don’t you have feelings for me, at all? Don’t you want to give me a chance? I’m begging you.” If you ask me something like that, do you mind to hear me saying NO? Why do you have to give me the chance to hurt you? Can we just be friends?

Even if I am in the position to consider, it’s not an overnite thing for me. Giving words means giving commitments. I don’t toy with something like that. If you want a part-time girlfriend, then please look around. I’m sure there are more girls available to “try out” to see if it works out. I don’t have time to “try out”. So I make myself clear, I want to keep my friends and it doesn’t have to end tragically by one side getting hurt. It doesn’t have to! Don’t spoil our friendship with this, please? Pleaseeee???

To the point.

Let Us Just Be Friends.

Coward!!!!

Sia mau tegur perangai segelintir lelaki ni yang betul2 tidak patut. I don’t know what kind of reputation that you guys inherit from your generation if this is all you can become.

You guys started everything, main ayat2 cinta, and then that’s all you’re good for! You don’t bear responsibility for whatever you have said. Fine, go ahead. But the most irritating thing is, you guys can be so selfish and so so COWARD because you force the girls for their attention but you decide that you can come to them whenever you want, but they CAN’T come to you when they want to. Like you are protecting your life, and privacy – all you want, but when you need the girls, you make them feel that it’s their responsibility to be there for you. That really really sucks.. Do you know that?

You want someone to listen to you, you want someone to talk to you – oh, you can come to them. But when they want you, Opps sorry…”You have to follow my time. See la if I’m free.” Paling buduh lagi, when he has all your numbers, and you have nothing but the office number. So that he can ask his secretary to give any kind of excuses why he is not there at the office.

If mau disoal-siasat…Macam2 la jawapan minta kesian. Keluar la macam2 excuse like his life and time are complicated that’s why he can’t be open that he has certain special female friends who can contact him in his private time. And the ladies will understand because he’s just another male friend and not anyone more special. But then in his time of needs, he tercari-cari dorang and demand macam2. Mau keluar together la, mau pick up la, mau send you home la, mau lunch la --- and everytime that happens, the ladies have to squeeze their schedule thinking that chances like this “don’t come always”, simply because these guys are like “Hot Cakes” – People are CRAVING for them!! Consider yourself lucky if they want to ask you out and spare hours just to spend time with you. Bullsh*T laa!!

And then pandai2 lagi complen…”Why your phone susah betul mau get through ni??” or “Why you always busy when I’m free oh? Bila la dapat keluar sama2 ni?” Or “I want you to make yourself free next month cos I’m free that time.” F*ck Of*lah!! Suka2 hati mau demand macam2. Gara2 macam ni punya kawan lelaki, orang lain boleh salah paham seolah-olah kau yg terhegeh-hegeh mau kawan dengan dia. Sebab bila kau cari dia, satu ofis pun boleh tau gara2 kau tidak dapat contact terus dengan dia. Silap2 orang sibuk2 cakap belakang yang kau ni tergila-gilakan kawan lelaki kau tu. Buduhhh punya kerja eh!!!! (*Pasik mulut si 256 sebab memaki (Hahahaahahahahahaahahahahahaha :PPPPPPPPPP . Uiii pasik itu jari2 bah!!)

Apa yang kawan2 dia tidak tau adalah macamana dia punya drama sandiwara semasa mau memikat the ladies. Main tangkap leleh punya bahasa ba. Kalau sia kena macam ni punya perangai ah….fine, I’ll be polite. Sia dengar saja masuk telinga kiri keluar telinga kanan, tapi the truth is, you guys deserve none other than my second class attention. I will not have time for you, and I couldn’t care less to know where you go, what you do, who you go out with – tu semua kau punya pasal!! I will still be polite if you guys call my phones but for me all the conversation will go with the wind once I press the button End Call. Luckily sia belum pernah jumpa sebegini gila punya lelaki, but kalau jumpa satu pun kira sia betul2 unfortunate. Dorang ni Coward a.k.a pengecut dan seolah-olah lontar batu sembunyi tangan. Kalau sia ada kawan macam ni, bikin jatuh air muka sia ja kalau sia play my part as a good female friend sedangkan dia punya perangai masih main teka teki sama kau. Nda pasal2 dia buat diri dia seolah-olah lelaki Terhangat di Pasaran. Yang lebih ridiculous ialah - bukan pun kau yg cari dia dulu. Dia yang terhegeh2 mau sorong2 diri dia mau kawan dengan kau. And in case you guys are curious, I’m not alone. Semua perempuan pun tidak akan suka macam ni. Bukan saja u guys susah mau dapat respect kawan2 perempuan you, they will think twice to consider you more than a friend, if you know what I mean.

Be brave, be bold – and be a man la ba! Apa kelas mau pikir sendiri punya diri saja. Even kenalan2 biasa pun tidak buat macam tu bah. They even make themselves available if you need them, inikan lagi kawan macam kau; yang actually bukan pun try mau jadi “just a friend” but more like a suitor sebab kalau sudah mau sangat dengan satu perempuan tu, kalau buli kamu sanggup terjun untuk buktikan kasih sayang kamu tu. Cakap bukan main berapi-api lagi. Haiyaa…masih ada kah ini punya creature dalam dunia ni? Itu pun, nasib baik dapat kawan perempuan yang sporting dan tidak ambil pusing bila you guys susun langkah mau memikat. Belum tentu lagi u guys tidak pegi canang satu daerah kalau u yang kena buat macam tu. Sudah cukup grateful ada orang yg bagi muka dengan sandiwara kamurang tu dan tidak kasi malu kamu dengan sebarkan cerita perilaku kamurang tu. Eiiii…macam2 ada bah kan!!!

Sudahhh!! Enuff!! If you are this type, shooo shoo!!! Main jauh2!

/me berabis ketawa sampai jatuh kerusi. Sepa pasik sia sia balas ahh…jagaaaa… Hahaahahahaahahahahaahahahahaha

The Wind Of Good Change or Bad Change?

Today is a pretty stressful day for me. So masa sia kerja, sia forced myself untuk tengok tv. Ngam2 ada this telemovie melayu called “Jalan Singkat Ke Neraka” if tidak silap. Dari tajuk pun already very tragic kan.

Sedar nda sedar, sia ikut movie ni dengan focus sekali sambil sia buat kerja. Movie ni membuatkan mata sia terbuka tentang satu perkara yang quite “menakutkan” diri sia sendiri. Sipnosis cerita tu macam ni.

Ada seorang perempuan, laki dia orang kaya yang sentiasa bz dengan kerja. Dia ada satu anak perempuan. Laki dia tidak suruh dia kerja sebab dia mampu tanggung hidup dorang. Perempuan tu rasa bosan berperap di rumah selama 8 tahun, then dia pujuk laki dia izinkan dia kerja di satu spa. Gara2 sayangkan bini, lelaki tu benarkan. Siapa sangka perempuan tu jumpa dengan customer lelaki ni yang akhirnya tackle dia. Dan dengan mudahnya dia beralih arah dengan lelaki baru tu, yang merupakan lelaki yang segak dan kaya. Lebih mudah untuk dia sebab laki dia selalu outstation. Hubungan sulit tu berlarutan, tambahan lagi laki perempuan ni memang jenis yang dingin so perempuan tu rasa lelaki baru tu ada semua perkara yang dia mahu. Dia selalu pulang malam dan tipu laki dia yg dia jumpa client, walaupun sebenarnya dia sudah berhenti kerja di spa tu. Lama2 dia kedapatan juga sebab workmate laki dia rakam gambar dia bermesra dengan kekasih dia.

Sia sebagai penonton rasa betul2 terjejas dengan scene macam tu. Dari seolah isteri yang taat, mudahnya jadi macam tu gara2 nampak peluang baru. I felt so disturbed watching something like that. Tapi emosi tu memang difahami. Dari jalan cerita, pembawaan watak, sia boleh paham kenapa perempuan tu BERUBAH. Walaupun dia hidup serba serbi cukup, tapi emosi dia terganggu. Laki dia tu seorang yang sangat membosankan. Citarasa dia teruk dan old-fashion. Tambahan lagi, dia jenis yang dingin di bilik tidur. So elemen tu semua dapat ditonjolkan dengan baik. Lelaki baru tu impress dia dengan ingat bday dia, say sweet words, dinner tempat yang best2 and even kasi hadiah mahal2. Perempuan tu rasa betul2 best dengan kekasih dia tu. Lelaki tu mengisi kekosongan hati dia.

Drama ni buat sia nampak sesuatu. Benda ni sebenarnya boleh berlaku pada perempuan2 di luar sana. Mungkin ini lah sebabnya bini2 orang pun sanggup ada kekasih baru. Bukan hati sengaja2 mau pok curang. Mungkin masa dia kawin laki dia tu, dia sangat gembira. Tapi selepas beberapa tahun, keseronokan itu hilang sebab “the same old things” everyday. Perhubungan ni tidak boleh statik ja. Mesti ada excitement and kejutan2 yang buat each other rasa sentiasa fun and enjoy. Wow…bukan senang rupanya, kan?. Kita pikir kalau kita sudah jumpa pasangan yang terbaik untuk kita kawin, kita punya masalah sudah berakhir. Rupanya, langit tidak selalu cerah. Mungkin husband kita tu tidak lagi seorang yang happening. Dia jadi sangat malas, membosankan dan tidak lively. So bila kau complain husband kau macam2, orang keliling kau tidak boleh salahkan kau. Masa kau kawin dia, dia tidak begitu. People CHANGE. Angin perubahan itu bukan sentiasa bawa benda2 yang bagus sahaja. Kalau perubahan yang baik, baguslah. Tapi kalau sebaliknya?

Begitu juga dengan perempuan. Masa kau kawin bini kau, dialah perempuan yg paling setia. Tapi kau tidak tau apa akan jadi 5-10 tahun akan datang. Mungkin dia akan berubah. Tidak kisahlah kenapa dia berubah. Mungkin juga dia berubah sebab dia tidak suka dengan perubahan pada diri kau. Dan gara2 perubahan, seorang isteri mithali pun sudah jadi macam perempuan jalanan yang ikut2 lelaki lain walaupun status diri tu seorang isteri dan ibu. Entah kenapa movie tu bagi sia a bad taste of reality. Sebab dari drama tu, sia tidak salahkan perempuan tu bila dia tertarik dengan lelaki baru tu. Kita manusia ni mahukan kebahagiaan. Apa yang dia boleh buat kalau kekasih dia tu yang boleh buat dia rasa kebahagiaan yang dia mau tu?

Sia mau kita masing2 fikir sekiranya kita berada dalam situasi tu suatu hari nanti. Sekiranya kita diuji dengan “PERUBAHAN” yang berlaku pada orang2 keliling kita, ataupun perubahan yang berlaku pada diri sendiri. Adakah perubahan itu adalah YANG TERBAIK?

It scares me a bit bila sia imagine berada di tempat perempuan itu. Iaitu sia torn between tanggungjawab dan kemahuan diri sia sendiri. Kalau sia memilih tanggungjawab sia, adakah ertinya sia kena tahan saja dengan hidup yang sungguh membosankan? Atau adakah sia akan mengejar keseronokan dan kesenangan hati sia, dan sanggup pertaruhkan maruah, prinsip dan tanggungjawab sia? Isn’t that scary, ladies?

Ending drama tu actually quite tragic. Kekasih baru dia tu sebenarnya ketua pengedar dadah, dan dia suruh perempuan tu taruh dadah berbahaya dalam makanan suami dan anak dia, dan akhirnya nda lama lepas tu, kedua-dua mati sebab affect dadah tu. Dan perempuan tu ditangkap atas tuduhan membunuh dan dihukum gantung. Ending dia tu sia tidak pentingkan sangat. A bit exaggerated. Sia cuma concentrate on the idea HOW perubahan tu boleh buat hidup kita HANCUR. Daripada ada segala-galanya, kepada hilang segala-galanya.

Guys…hati2 lah dengan sebarang perubahan yang kita akan adapt. Macamanapun kita terdesak untuk adapt satu perubahan, sia percaya kita ni lebih kuat daripada sebarang element di luar sana. They will never penetrate us unless we let them. So be careful with the wind of change. Make sure we examine if this wind of change akan bagi kita something valuable or akan ambil something valuable dari kita. Sama2 la kita face this challenge of letting this WIND OF CHANGE to change our life – the question is, for the better or for the worse? The answer is yours.