Blissfully BLESSED

Sia pernah bercakap pasal "one fine day" kan? Banyak kali idea pasal ni sia tulis di sini. Something yg kau impikan tapi susah mau dapat, but then sia percaya yang Akan tiba harinya yang kau akhirnya akan berpeluang untuk dapat. Tapi teda sepa tau bila. Jadi dalam pada menunggu hari tu, kau teruskan hidup dengan struggles kau. Pokoknya, adakah kau percaya yang One Fine Day tu wujud untuk kau? Teori sia adalah, BE PREPARED for it. Supaya bila dia datang, kau sudah ready untuk grab dia. Remember I wrote that?

Actually, a "one fine day" finally happened to me a few months ago. Sangat tidak disangka2. Tapi sia tidak melatah atau terlalu excited, sebab I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED. Sia manusia yg percaya kebesaran Tuhan dalam life sia. So bila dia buat benda ni, sia tidak buli cakap sia terkejut, sebab sia tau Dia memang hebat. Cuma he really got me cos I didn't expected it that time. Camana  pun, mungkin sebab sia sudah biasa dengan kesusahan struggles sia sehari2, sia berpijak di bumi yg nyata. Seolah2 doa2 yang bertahun2 tu God suddenly kasi sia pada hari tu. Sia kagum camana dia bikin jalan di tempat yg tiada jalan. Benda yang mustahil, dia kasi jadi ikut kemahuan Dia. Itu yg bikin sia kagum sebab bukan selalu kita nampak benda ni. Kau fikir kau si pendosa yang nda dipeduli. Si kerdil yg berdoa, tapi selalu dia kena kasi sikit2, dia wonder juga itu fluke atau memang satu rencana. God ada masa tengok sia ka dalam lautan manusia2 yang jauh lebih bagus dari sia?

Hari tu sia dapat jawapan. YES, God sebenarnya memang selalu perhatikan sia. I already know this tapi mana la tau yg sia perasan ja. So dalam blessing yg besar tu, God still challenge sia juga. Can you handle it? Sia pun berkakai juga masa tu. Rupanya bukan percuma setiap blessing God tu. Dia still kasi kita kerja juga. Kau lalai ja, maybe kau buli hilang tu blessing. I'm careful walaupun sia terbabas juga sekali sekala. So okay, that's the one fine day that finally happened.

Suddenly, I got another one. Like WOWWW. Betul bah ni?? Terus sia rewind beberapa tahun yg lalu, exactly about the same thing yg sangat memalukan sia, tapi sia hadap juga walaupun sia rasa orang keliling sia kasi ketawa sia. Tapi sia berfikiran positif ja dan kuatkan hati. Kerdilnya sia rasa masa tu. Malu dia tu sampai sekarang sia rasa. Tapi entah, kenapa masa tu sia buli terfikir, One day mungkin hari sia. Tapi entah bila. Entah kenapa sia pandai2 fikir yg benda yg berlaku masa tu "cuma selingan". Ada lagi climax yang sangat awesome menunggu sia. Tapi tahun demi tahun, teda juga. Sia nda juga give up, cuma sia terlupa sudah. Mungkin ada cara lain yg sia akan tebus tu semua. FINALLY, it happened. Sia nda habis fikir camana buli terjadi semua tu. Seolah-olah, I said to God, "God, I want that one." And u assumed memang kau nda akan dapat semua sebab God usually ada cara dia sendiri mau kasi kau. Tapi instead, "Nahh, I give you what you want. Take it" Then I went, BETUL BAH NIII??? Seriouslyyy???

So walaupun lately mood sia on and off  dengan kesihatan yg nda berapa ok, tapi kamu jan silap. Dalam hati sia melompat kegembiraan, dipenuhi dengan bunga2 yang warna warni dan ceria. Mungkin semua distraction ni bikin sia relax, dan jangan terlalu excited dengan semua tu. Ya, it helped! So dalam pada ni semua, I still want to say not even one time yg sia lupa BLESSINGS yang besar yang sia terima ni. Teda makna tu ucapan thank you sebab terlalu kecil untuk represent sia punya gratefulness ni. Satu ja sia harap. I hope I can be given kebijaksanaan yang setimpal untuk blessing ni semua. 

Thank you Lorddddd!!!

Isn't Our Time Running Out?

Sepedih-pedihnya satu kebenaran tu, dia tetap fakta. Same like hayat manusia. Life ni begitulah bestnya kan? Tapi rupanya sementara ja. Sometimes just the thought of it hurts enough. Sakitnya untuk terima yang each and everyone of us will never escape this. Pernah juga beberapa kali sia terfikir, Kenapa lah sia kena lahir di dunia ni? Now I have to experience quitting it. O man it hurts.

Biarpun masih optimis dengan hari2 yang mendatang, tapi kepedihan tu slowly kita telan. Saban tahun, umur meningkat, bukankah bermaksud kita MENGHAMPIRI masa tu? Every birthday celebration is just, Yeahh, you are a step closer to your ending!! Sakit kan? Sakit bila fikir terpaksa kau tinggalkan awesomeness of this life and the people that you love. Fuh, better don't go there.

My point now is, Get realistic. Stop acting like you don't know it. Evaluate dengan cara yang practical. Like this hoarding habit of mine. Berapa lama lagi sia mau simpan semua benda2 tu? Yang one day I might wanna use them but I have not used them for the past 8 years (for example). Should I allow things from dat 8 years ago to occupy more space in my life? Simpan habuk dan menyumbang kepada timbunan kesemakan dalam life sia yang obviously needs more space untuk benda2 baru. This used to be heartless but maybe not anymore. Tomorrow I will let go a lot of stuff from my hoard habits. They are losing their values. Shall I need them one day, I will have to take the risk and just believe that I know where to find. I can no longer rely untuk "one day" that has not come at least in 8 years ago (just putting a number to describe some of the stuff I've been keeping can be that old or even older). Worse is, I don't even remember I have them. I just know there is a clutter of old stuff at the backyard but I can't recall what are they. Terrible, isn't it?

Maybe sia terima kenyataan yang The rest of my life is what I have left. Sia sudah lalui zaman budak2, zaman remaja and sudah merasai tahun2 di zaman dewasa. My time shouldn't be that long compared to the random kids yang sia nampak berlarian di padang sekolah. I cannot think like them. Thats why sia ambil satu plastik hitam, stuff my baju2 yang sia suka tapi sia tidak pakai lagi. Ada yang sia masih muat tapi sia ndamau pakai lagi sebab banyak lagi baju sia yang baru dan belum dipakai. So sia paksa diri untuk isi tu plastik tanpa fikir panjang. You know why? Sebab sia realistik yang sia belum tentu ada another 50 years untuk pakai tu baju2 semua. Lagipun sia sentiasa beli baju baru. Kenapa begitu clingy dengan benda2 silam, right?

I just want to remind myself once again that, this is how it's done. Jangan terlalu fikir BILA, tapi stop ignoring the fact that we have done our Alpha, and the law says we must have our Omega. If you ask me how do I feel about it? Not necessarily bad. At least tidaklah sia terlalu berlengah. At least sia happy bila sia spend extra time at work. Remind myself again, this is what I love. I pick this and God gives it to me. And di umur-umuran sia sekarang ni, dengan banyak2 little studies or social experiments yang sia bikin, kita nampak macamana Things Change. Jangan pelik, jangan gelabah, dan JANGAN expect semua benda akan sama. Sama macam diri kamu sendiri. Kamu fikir kamu masih sentiasa cool macam dulu? No way. Tettt. Silap. What I mean is kamu cool dengan cara yang berbeza sekarang. Embrace it. Quit meracau kenapa semua keliling kamu tidak sama. Ada kamu say thanks sama benda2 awesome yg baru dalam life kamu? Itulah pampasan dia. 

Bah buli kah kita pandang ke depan ja mula dari sekarang? Ada juga sia terfikir mau quit this blog and maybe do something else masa sia free. Itupun sia sudah cukup bertahan o kan? Semua kawan2 bloggers yang lain sudah give up on blogging. Why am I still here? Hehe :PP  Well, I'm preparing myself to do something bigger in my life next. Mau push lebih and mau achieve lebih. Diri sia yang kerdil ni, sometimes sia terfikir juga, sia larat kah? I think I do :)

Note: Who knows one day sia akan tired jadi si 256, kan?

One Quiet Day

Yesterday was a torturing day for me. I supposed to be in the buffet lunch celebrating my dad's birthday, but the sickness suddenly got the better of me, I could not even think of going outside the house. I wanted to limit my communication, my activities, I just wanted to REST. My explanation was much needed for canceling my attendance in the last minute but I didn't even have the energy to do that. I just entered the Zombie mode. Heartless and Wordless. I expected that people could just understand.

The real struggle was I was not healthy. My head was spinning from last nite's sleep, my throat was sore, my voice box was aching, I could not even speak a word properly. My body was also aching everywhere. I could not walk for a longer distance. My legs were shaking. So I had to forget about going out for a meal fiesta. What I did the whole day was, BE QUIET. I spent time on youtube, watching videos but I did not react a bit. Behaving robotic for hours, suddenly I felt my life was really dull, and meaningless. My body getting too tensed like I held back too much inside for all the hours being quiet. Don't you remember I am anything but a quiet person? I just didn't want to drag anyone into the drama of my sickness. I know they have enuff problems on their own. Plus, my irritating nature, anything could piss me off so easily. So I tried to do others a favour too. I caged myself so "nobody gets hurt" because I could still hurt people with my ignorance. So the best is to just HEAL first. 

So kemarin sia sedar all over again yang KESIHATAN tu bukan milik mutlak kita. Sia sudah makan Vitamin C selama berbulan, untuk deal with sia punya weaknesses towards flu virus tapi sia still kena. Walaupun proses penyembuhan dia cepat. Seriously cepat. Sebab walaupun seharian sia "in agony" sebab dalam keadaan yang sangat lemah, cannot think properly and couldn't even speak and supermoody some more, sampaikan sia rasa mau sambung cuti lagi Monday sebab feeling sia tu masa memang terrible. Macam sia totally disconnected sama world sia. Teruk eh feeling dia. 

Kamu tau apa yang missing? LAUGHTER. Baru sia sedar time malam tu. Sebab sia memang suka ketawa jadi my whole system is used to laughter. The whole day sia teda ketawa until at nite then I realized what was missing. So dalam keadaan badan yang sakit2, sia tertidur juga sebelum jam 3 AM and woke at at 6 AM something. Guess what? 

Tiba2 badan sia cergas balik! Sia try to speak and I could hear my voice again biarpun inda 100% normal. WOWWW... Tiba2 sia bangun dan jalan keluar bilik sia tanpa that shaking. Teda pun sia makan ubat except for Woods ubat batuk (utk clear my throat) and of course my Flavettes. Tapi confirm sia sudah kuarantine diri sia satu hari, biarpun penuh dengan penyeksaan juga lah. Dan penuh dengan keinsafan juga. So hari ni, sia pi kerja dengan "gagahnya". Walaupun masih ada rasa macam lemah juga lah sekali sekala masa sia jalan tapi sia lawan ja. Dan dengan penuh kesedaran, sia terus wasap SIL sia, kasi explain dia kenapa sia nda attend tu lunch kemarin. If you read my last post, you know I had a misunderstanding with her. Bila sia sudah rasa sihat, sia berbesar hati mau lupakan semua tu. Tiba2 fikiran sia clear balik dan sia sedar dia pun bukan manusia yg sempurna, macam sia juga, tapi dia tetap the best SIL yang sia buli imagine. Pelik kan camana mind kita ni kasi twist2 benda gitu sampai kita pun terbawa2.

My point in this post is...sometimes we NEED that quiet time juga. Walaupun hari tu tidak normal dan kau struggling secara emosi, apa lagi ngam2 kau sakit, kau yakin ja, akhirnya kau akan nampak cahaya di hujung tunnel tu. Biarpun sia layan juga negatif dalam kepala sia tu, tapi part of me knows yang "sia cuma saja2" buat gitu. Sometimes kita mau kena rasa apa feeling dia time orang tu sakit, jadi next time kita nda terlalu senang menghakimi. Biar keinsafan tu datang dalam diri kita, sebab... KITA PUN PERNAH RASA JUGA. 

Kesembuhan dan...KEINSAFAN. So, dalam pada2 kita malas berdoa, kita sombong dan ego dengan kesenangan, tiba2  jatuh sakit, pun masih malas berdoa sebab layan sakit. Kali tinguk, esoknya kita sembuh juga. Terus kita fikir badan kita yang hero atau vitamin kita tu bagus. Sia tau juga bah jawapan dia apa. Sebab dalam pada2 sia berkurung, sia tau da manusia2 yang bertungkus lumus berdoa siang malam untuk kebaikan sia. Tuhan berbelas kasihan kepada dorang yg berdoa biarpun kita macam tidak layak kan? Apa pun syukur la buli sembuh dari sakit. Guys, hargailah kehidupan kita yg indah ni ok? 

I know balik2 sudah sia cakap ni. But promise me you won't forget that.

Dealing With Anger

Today should be a good day. It's 10.10 of 2019. I have all the reason to feel extra good today. Spent my time chitchatting, completing some works, felt good actually. Until something came up, when my SIL asked my help to babysit my lil nephew and because of her request, I made a lil changes to my schedule, just for her to forget everything and made me wait for half an hour. I was getting impatient because she got too busy with church activity lately and she put her own kids at number two. I mean, church activity is a good thing but remember that the activities will still go on without her. TRUST ME, I KNOW. WE KNOW. I don't think God will be happy with her leaving her kids unmanaged just for she can be one of those people reading the prayers, knowing that there are many other people who are there to do it. For for her kids, she is their only mother. 

I think my impatience grew after a while. But because my nephews are more important than what I feel, so I often forget my little grumbling the moment I saw my nephews. But then the fact that their mom left them behind so she could attend church activities at different districts, attending to fellow Christians who don't have access to modern facilities, while her kids are put somewhere where people could look after them. One thing I'm really sure of, I don't think God will be ever so mad if you put your little kids first and then only join activities when you are really free. 

All this time, I am never mad of my SIL. I always backed her up, I always understood her situation, I even looked up to her cos she's one capable lady and I'm so glad that she's my SIL. Only lately that she became too occupied with her other activities and those activities are not free. She's been spending a lot of money that she claimed she didn't have money to help a party for my youngest nephew. And she just went back from getting a color braces for her teeth which cost 3 times the money she needed to make my nephew's small party in his pre-school. So maybe these things build up little by little and it doesn't take any longer for me this time to just show to her that I'm mad. It's the first time! Which means she really crossed the line.

It's also the first time ever that I didn't open her whatsapp text, and she could see that I go online and ignore her text. That's how I deal with my anger. I avoid "feeding" it. If I read her text saying sorry along with all the excuses, it's not gonna help. Maybe she thought I got mad for the smallest reason, but imagine how I have skipped all the big reasons because to me, nobody likes it when I'm angry. I can be very bad with words and I can treat like I don't know you. I don't hear your words, I don't see you pass by, stuff like that. I have never said sorry to those people who crossed my limit because it took a while for them to cross them so only when they did something really angered me that they received that kind of treatment. 

You see how I write when I'm anger-oriented? You don't like how I sound, right? Anger is just a devil thing. They say, when you give in to anger, the devils are partying. Actually, it took me only like 10 minutes to rationalize and gain back my composure. I told myself how she could misunderstand my text that she understood wrongly. I should have been more straightforward with my words. I should this, I should that. Actually I was calm shortly after that. I thought, "I bet she must be praying hard right now, and God is working, that's why I became sensible. Someone is praying for this." Wow, awesome thought, right? 

The Angry you is not the real you. I know it. But my human ego, I must give her time to ponder upon her own acts and mistakes. We are not perfect but it doesn't mean we can't correct our ways. I want her to reflect while I'm doing this silent treatment. I'm so weak myself. When I'm forced to show my anger, usually it will take time to go back to normal. That's why I will avoid getting angry so easily. But I understand, I will need this experience for a better familyship, better tolerance, better understanding - cos they are here to strengthen bonds (if we survive it).

I'm calling upon my adult-self to take charge during this time. I'm so tired right now. I want to sleep and wake up with no more anger. Oh God, speed up my recovery from this stupid anger. Remind me of the wisdom you already given to me. Can I just wake up and have more empathy. Tell me my share of wrong and let me correct it. I just want to live tomorrow awesomely. Just let this pass.